8 months later

Feb 15,2019

It’s been a long while since my last post—and my posts have become more and more sporadic due to the weight of responsibilities I seem to accumulate as I morph into an “adult.”

To clear a few details that are worth mentioning: I no longer struggle with bulimia, and that will always be probably one of the most amazing miracles of my life and my testimony to many other struggling women out there (though I still don’t really know how, but I know my story will at least offer hope in the dismal and dark world of an eating disorder).  

Secondly, I don’t have postpartum anymore (according to the title of my last post) I didn’t even know I had it or thought I had it at one point but it sounds like I did.  But I honestly don’t really remember it being that bad, but I guess it was. Ha!  Goes to show that time is a healer of many things! 

Thirdly, meadow is turning 8 months in 3 days!  8 months just flew by like that! 

Lastly, I’m still on the same journey of growing deeper in relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father and there have definitely been some new discoveries in the last 8 months. 

So I’ll begin now. 

Meadow is thriving.  There’s been a few mishaps (she fell off a very high bed and landed head first on a dirty hardwood floor up in big bear which totally undid me for a good 3 hours, she also drank a lot of bath water, and she currently has a nasty rash on her vagina area for a month now).  But other than that she is well, and although things are not perfect (like...how do you get a baby to eat solids? What do I make? What’s good for her? What if she hates it?  Do I make many dishes so she can choose? Haha) I’m learning a lot.  A lot of my learning is more and more a letting go of control.  Resting in God’s watchful gaze upon my life.  

Marriage. 

Where to begin? 

Haha it’s almost year 2 of being married.  

I’ve known Ben almost 3 years now. 

That’s not a long time, haha. 

But the way we relate to one another has made me closer to him than almost anyone else (maybe my mom is first since she can read all my moods).  But marriage is exactly what I was taught it would be: not about me, but about drawing closer to Christ—many times that’s through serving the other person and denying yourself.  

Ben is a very good husband, I must say. 

He is my best friend and head of our house who takes care of all of us.  We all have a part and Ben does his part with much gentleness and self-control.  He serves me in many ways (doing the dishes at times, cleaning the floors, taking care of our taxes and bills, working, doing ministry with me, giving me amazing back massages at night before bed, and making me laugh harder than ever!  But the best part about our marriage is our shared goal of wanting to grow closer to Christ.  That’s it.  We both just want to get closer to God and make that our daily aim.  When one of us veers off course the other is usually good about bringing that person back.  And I am blessed for it. 

Now I’m just a stay at home mom, mother of an almost 8 month old, and wife to a full time student and full time job husband.  Our life is busy to say the least.  We both have our hands full, but it is good.  I love living a life of knowing God more because every day and every event has a purpose in reaching our goal. 

I’m now learning to continue to be still enough to find my center in the goal of pursuing Christ first...so that all my other thoughts can fall under the authority of that FIRST.  I worry when I’m tired or in pain, so it’s in those moments that I need to be anchored most.  How?  Right now I’m just practicing the discipline of 15 min of letting God do the talking and leading my heart in His ways.  

Postpartum week 4

7/12/18

They all say “it gets better” and I see other parents thriving (or so it seems from photos) and I just think...”what’s wrong with me?”  I lose sight of the PROCESS and the way God works in all of us individually.  Not everyone has an easy birth or a colicky baby or cancer or owns a condo—we all have a story to share about who God is and what He has done in our lives.  We are all witnesses. 

What’s my story?  It seems my story is one of learning to form a Christ-centered, Christ-exalting, Christ-honoring marriage.  My story is about the powerfully painful process of my expectations being shattered when I had my first child.  My story is about how God healed me from bulimia.  My story is about how I still struggle with wanting to be thin.  My story is about how my relationship with my family has gotten so good!  My story is about how much I have loved leading the high school youth students at my church.  My story is about many failed relationships before I met my soul-mate and best friend, Ben.  My story is about heart ache from many confusing nights about my faith to many tears of joy through my seminary years of walking exclusively with the Lord.  

And now here I am raising my first child, and they say “it gets better.”  There might come a day when I wear cute clothes again and work out and hang out with my girlfriends over oat milk lattes and have my baby in the stroller who’s wearing a cute outfit and a big bow head wrap.  But right now that is just not the picture in my very real life, and it may never be the picture.  Right now it’s sleep deprivation, it’s gaining weight, it’s feeling fat and consequently ugly and fighting to hold on to my confidence as a daughter of the King and not in my physical appearance, it’s cleaning and sterilizing bottles, it’s sore sore sore nipples, it’s lots of crying from my baby, it’s back aching, it’s tiredness and helplessness, but it’s also deeply pressing into my Savior for help and courage to continue walking in His will.  

“My eager expectation and hope is that I will not be ashamed about anything, but that now as always, with all boldness, Christ will be highly honored in my body, whether by life or by death. 

For me, living is Christ and dying is gain.

For it has been given to you on Christ’s behalf not only to believe in Him, 

but also to suffer for Him,”

Philippians 1:20-21, 29 

My story isn’t over, and everyday the words written about my life are being carefully penned by my Heavenly Father.  He is writing my life into His good, pleasing and perfect will. 

Grace-living

I made of list of things I should or could be doing.

BUT....I'm bored with all that.  I do but I don't want to do any of it.  Is it about what I want or is there something You want?  Sometimes grace gives me too much freedom that I don't know how to live in it.  

How do I live in Your grace today? 

“You who are trying to be justified by the law are alienated from Christ; 

you have fallen from grace.”

Galatians 5:4 

So don't try to be justified by the law.  Stop trying to be okay (aiming for some degree of perfection) as a means of feeling like you're okay.  Being perfect does not work because there is no way any of us can do what true perfection demands.  So stop!  Just stop. 

Before you turn around and start picking up your nonsense again...take heed of what a life lived in grace means ...like today, right now.

To live in grace we must first step away from our tendency to make ourselves feel okay.  This means we may have to sit with that terrible feeling of boredom or anxiety or restlessness until it passes through our system or God tells us to calmly do something.  But we must not try to run from it, because it is a part of our suffering on earth to feel how bad things could have been in order to rejoice in how good things truly are thanks to Jesus!  This life will show us bad things for a reason, and instead of fearing those feelings we must learn to sit in them with God as we are being trained to live in His grace. 

So you feel bored? Anxious? Overwhelmed? Confused? 

Don't try to do something to feel okay. 

Don't fall from grace. 

(Galatians 5:4)

To live in grace often means to feel why we need Him so much.  We are useless, void, empty, and pathetic without Him.  We are nothing without Christ.  When we feel those terrible feelings come over us, let them lead you into His grace.  

Be taken in by your good Father for an epic embrace.

“For you were called to be free, brothers; 

only don’t use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, 

but serve one another through love. 

For the entire law is fulfilled in one statement: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Galatians 5:13-14 

What matters is faith working through love...

Evidence of a life lived in grace is a life lived in loving others. 

Today.

Right now.

Are you living in grace? 

Jmegrey 

We are parfum le Saint-Esprit!

If you need a do-over today, take time to confess your sins to God, ask Him for forgiveness, and start over because you can!

We are like, as they say in French, "parfum"
Very, very precious and expensive parfum.

Chanel smells expensive, Dior smells rich, bath and body works smells fun, but there is a scent that gives off more than just a scent.

There is a fragrance that, when smelled, produces the ability to fill you with life!
Not the feeling that life is good, but the reality of it!  A scent that gives you full confidence that God is real, God is good and God loves you!  A parfum that has power to change a person's heart!  Would you want this powerfully life-giving parfum?

God has given this to each of us, which is the Holy Spirit.  We've been given the parfum of God and it is our job to bring people the aroma of life!  Not the feeling of it, but the reality!

How do we spread this scent?
We simply go where God will put us on display for someone and we seize that opportunity let the Holy Spirit ooze from our hearts like a strong aroma!  All we do is recognize that God is putting us on display!  You're being displayed because God is about to pump out the scent of life to save someone through you!  Not of you, but of the Holy Spirit in you.  All you do is whatever the Holy Spirit says in that very moment.  He doesn't give the whole plan, He gives moment by moment directions.

Some people love walking into a coffee shop because the room smells like coffee!  How much more would children of God love walking into a room that smelled like God!
Let us become a people who, every word and expression that comes from us, fills the lost or stumbling up with life!

I sometimes store away my expensive perfume to save it because it runs out the more I use it, but this parfum WORKS DIFFERENTLY.
This parfum, if not used, will run out!
But the more you use it the more of it you will have!

“But thanks be to God, who
always puts us on display in Christ and
through us spreads the aroma of
the knowledge of Him in every place.

For to God we are
the fragrance of Christ among
those who are being saved and
among those who are perishing.

To some we are an aroma of death leading to death, but to others, an aroma of life leading to life.
And who is competent for this?
For we are not like the many who market God’s message for profit. On the contrary, we speak with sincerity in Christ, as from God and before God.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭2:14-17‬ ‭

Who is competent to be an aroma of life?
Do you feel able to do this?
I don't!
All I know is that Jesus died for my sins, so all my incompetence is swallowed up by His blood!
I'm only competent to be a life-giving parfum if I am in Christ!  Forgiven, empowered, and filled by His Spirit to go where He will put me on display to seek and save all those who are lost.
Though our outer man is dying (our flesh is weak) our inner man is being renewed day by day with the parfum of life!  Our renewing others is in turn a renewal for ourselves as well!

“We have this kind of confidence toward God through Christ.
It is not that we are competent in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our competence is from God.
He has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit.
For the letter kills, but the Spirit produces life.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3:4-6

Don't forget you are very precious and expensive parfum with a purpose today!  To spread the aroma of life to everyone and anyone God puts you on display for!

Love you guys.
Jmegrey

Give shame?

2 Thess. 3:14-15

If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person 

and do not associate with him, so that 

he will be put to shame.

Do not regard him as an enemy, 

but warn him as a brother.

When I first read this passage I immediately recoiled thinking "is that Christ-like?!  Is that loving?!  To intentionally make someone feel ashamed?"  It felt wrong, but here it was in the authoritative Word of God.  So I had to re-think deeper about its meaning. 

Shame: noun- the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.  

This definition reveals two facts about shame:

1. That is is a feeling (rising from something dishonorable, improper) 
2. It can arise by yourself- feeling ashamed for doing what you know is wrong- or arise by others who show you that what you did was wrong.

So when we look back at the passage Paul is telling the church family to be observant about what is truly right and wrong.  Our culture tells us it's shameful to be weak, dependent, poor, or unpopular, so we feel ashamed when we are too fat, too poor, or too weak, but God's Word says it's shameful to disobey God's good and perfect law.  

We can only adhere to one truth, and that is the one we will daily live by. 

We need to make sure we are walking right before God on God's terms not our own, but we are also called to help each other do the same.  If your legs feel fine but your eye is bleeding would you neglect your eyes just because your legs feel fine?  No way!  You want your entire body, soul, and mind to be well and healthy.  To neglect one part when it is sick is to let that part go on dying.  Paul is simply reminding us that in the same way, as members of one body (the church is Jesus's body) we should have that kind of mentality toward one another.  

If shame is a feeling of wrong then it would be accurate for someone who is doing wrong to feel wrong.  However, our definition of "wrong" must not be our own, governed by our feelings, but God's definition governed by His Word.  It would also be a sin of passivity to let wrong be cultivated as something right.  Paul is telling us to be discerning not so that we start judging everyone's wrong, but so that we bring people into what is right and good.  At the same time it opens ourselves to receive correction from others as well.  

Verse 15 says don't treat this person as an enemy (the one who is doing wrong by God's Word) but if you let someone know that what they are doing is wrong do so with the intention of helping them in the process to get back on track.  Not to "quit" on them. 

On the opposite end, if someone is repentant about a wrong they did to you, it would be a sin to continue treating them with unforgiveness just because we still feel offended.  

All christians are called to endure suffering.  We are all still sinners, but if we continue to judge each others' sins without forgiveness then we are saying Jesus died for no reason.  Everyday we are being forgiven for the sins we still commit and for as long as we live we will survive God's perfectly just judgment only by having a repentant heart, therefore in the same way everyday we must forgive others as well for that is why Jesus died.  

For you. 

For me.

For the church body (made up of wicked sinners) 

We are all one in the same.  

If you find yourself doing what Paul writes here, 

not associating with someone in the church so that they feel ashamed, be very weary that you do so out of sincere love for that person and not because they annoy you.  Otherwise you will be breaking the command of God just as much if not more than that person.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  One right makes everyone right, that right-ness comes from Jesus.  Examine where your heart needs forgiveness before you examine someone else's so that when we do make someone feel ashamed it will be out of love for that person. 

Love you guys.  

Jmegrey

When you need faith to refuel your certainty

Renew my mind 

Sometimes it feels like you just can't help the way you feel. 

Am I right or am I right? 

Notice I didn't say "sometimes you just can't help the way you feel."

I said: "sometimes it FEELS like you just can't help the way you feel."

Maybe because the feeling is so strong and the opposition so unsatisfying.  If I feel annoyed then feeling happy or grateful looks like moldy fruit that I don't want to bite into.  (Haha) Or to put it another way: saying I see blue when I see red looks like I'm falling into a vapid lie.  It looks wrong.  I just want what's right. 

So how do we change what's inside of us?  

If the Bible says "rejoice always" (Philippians 4:4) meaning ALWAYS or "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18) as in ALL circumstances, but we find ourselves in the "exceptions."  

The margins of what we think are the exceptions to what God says in His Word, because if it's not an exception in our minds then we're defying God, making Him out to be wrong or incapable.  Thinking we are in an exception eases our conscious minds from having to feel as if we are against God.  Because we want to stay feeling "Christian" under the safe umbrella of getting heaven. 

Does that sound reasonably true?  

It does to me.  

So, annoying doesn't feel happy, angry doesn't feel grateful, and bored doesn't feel full of wonder.  Let me add that hurt doesn't feel loved, rejection doesn't feel accepted, poor doesn't feel rich, etc. 

Some days (let's be real, some weeks or even months) I feel so strongly that what's inside could never change to what the Bible tells me I should be.  I wake up moody, annoyed, bored or unsatisfied and I try to try "spending time with God" and it's like the last 5 pounds you try to lose that just won't budge.  Have I driven the point home about the issue here?  

When what we think and consequently feel is contrary to what God says--this is a problem if we are to think reasonably. 

I feel like I can't change. I feel like I can't be happy because how could I be happy when I don't get what I want?  

Isn't that a good question? Haha

Ask your bad attitude next time:

"How can I be happy when I don't get what I want?"

It'll feel like a very good question. 

How can I see red and say I see blue?  How can I let go of my desire to be beautiful, healthy, secure, and awesome in life when losing those things feels so much like ruin?  I know it's better when I do, I know I don't know what's really good compared to God, but what do I do when what I know and what I feel seem so irreconcilably against each other? 

Sometimes it feels like if God's truth is blue and my perception is red the battle goes something like: 

I say I see blue (but I really see red.)

I say I see blue! (But I really see red.)

I SEE BLUE! BLUE! BLUE! (Red.)

Sigh. 

Sometimes this repetitive focusing method works for a while and I see blue continually by continually focusing on blue (blue being the truth about God), but sooner or later I can't help that I end up seeing some red in a single moment of forgetting to focus on seeing blue.  Red is the ugly things I see in my life: things like lack of success, lack of the beauty I want, lack of value, lack of health, lack of getting what I want the way I want it and when I want it, lack! Lack! Lack!  Of course in my mind these reds are all justified reasons for feeling red feelings like annoyed, dissatisfied, bored and/or angry.  

If I see red then I feel red.  

If I see lack then I feel lack.

But the word of God says something different. 

The Bible essentially says that when we see red it's not really red, and when we don't see red, it could actually be red.  In other words there is more to life than meets the eye.

Nerdy interjection: 

Philosophers love to discuss the insanity of "true colors" because you can't feel or touch a color.  They ask questions about what makes something "real"?  Is it real if we can see it? Touch it? Taste it? Smell it? Hear it? What happens when you cant do any of those things like with the number 2?  Is the number real?  Of course it's real in the sense that it can be true.  There can be two of something, but the reality of there being two has nothing to do with our perceptual abilities to make it real.  It's true because other things around it make it true by relation.  Two is real when we are talking about two chairs, two hours, two plus two or visualizing the symbol for the numerical value "2."  So back to colors, if we see red does that mean it's real?  How we define reality is precisely what governs our lives. 

I REPEAT: 

How we define reality is precisely 

what governs our lives.

How do you define reality? 

Are you governed by your eyes?

Are you governed by your feelings?

Or are you governed by the Word of God? 

Learning to live in the light of truth, to go with my example: living to see blue, means picking up a different set of skills than the ones you were naturally born with. 

For starters:

a life in Christ is 

a life in faith. 

Naturally we live by sight but super-naturally we switch to what is superior to nature: that which is spiritual.  Faith is spiritual because it is given to us by the Spirit of God. 

So while sight is natural, faithfulness is spiritual.  

3 things to know about faith:

1. Faith is a kind of steadiness that supports what we know from God--sight does little to support what we know from God, especially if it has to do with what's in our future.  (Logically speaking we cannot see our future.)  Faith is like the fuel to our need for assurance.  Therefore we must learn to get our spiritual fuel from a spiritual source, we can't get our car gas from our kitchen faucet, likewise we can't get our spiritual assurance from our natural senses.  You can't get apples from a plastic tree or clean water from a dirty pipe.  We know we need fuel, but where we go to get it will make all the difference.  Therefore, we must learn and practice fueling our need with faith.  When you feel like you've run out of fuel...consider where you get your refill. 

2. Faithful living is having a new set of expectations.

Faithful living requires us to examine what we expected that resulted in our feeling.  Do our expectations match the expectations God told us to have or do they come from expecting something on our own terms and in our timing?  Faithfulness is a gradual transforming of our expectations. This means learning to habitually and routinely act according to what God says we should expect IN HIS TIMING.  An expectation is an outcome, but if our outcome comes from God then so will the timing of it.  But if our outcome comes from us then so will the timing of it.  To be faithful in our expectations (which is to live by and in faith) simply means to let go of our control of time.  Timing on the expected outcome must be allocated to uncertainty on our part if it is to be certain on God's.  In order to get God's outcome we must get His timing too.  

3. Faithfulness is having a feeling too.

Faithfulness fuels our feeling of certainty about what we don't see in the natural.  Living by faith and in faith means holding a degree of invisibility with vigor.  WITH VIGOR.  It's about getting excited about the unknown.  Like a kid who's mom or dad says they have a super good surprise for them.  The anticipation and excitement in what they don't see but in what they are told.  The words "I have a super awesome surprise for you!" can fill a child with so much joy in what they don't see.  

Learning to stoke the feelings of faith require hearing our Father tell us He has a super good surprise for us everyday.  This means hearing the word of God and His promises each day.  

But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

-Hebrews 10:39-11:1

Recap if you already forgot everything above: 

When what you feel, think or see doesn't match what you know to be true from God's Word then the problem is just that: you're not matching.  

For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you don't do what you want. (Gal. 5:17)

To match the pieces resulting in a whole life in Christ, you have to pair faith (what God says) with your life.  

Aside from a life paired with faith you cannot expect a whole life in Christ...just as half a circle plus half a triangle makes neither a whole circle nor a whole triangle.  

Faith is how we abide in Christ, but faith is not simply saying you believe.  It's steadiness in what to expect resulting in feeling more and more certain that it will be as God says.  All we do is what we can to hear, remember, and pray for grace in His timing of all things. 

It's when we live in the funky half and half that we begin to not bear that good fruit.

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." 

-John 15:5

Jmegrey.

Our part and God's part = child and parent

Hello family,

I want to take a moment to pause and remember that God is unchanging, but we are not.  We change, so if you've lost your way it's not God who needs to change (He is unchangeable) its you because you are changeable.

With God we are children, but sometimes when things don't go our way we forget who our Father is and we reverse the roles.  We make ourselves the boss and God our child, telling God what to do and how to do it.  But of course this never works because God is unchanging.  He cannot ever stop being God, but we can stop being His children.

We do our part as the child and God does His as the Parent, but what is our part?  Thank God our part is not about being perfect!  Christ took care of that for us.

When Israel was told how to walk before God, God was saying that this is the way- the unchanging way- to walk before Me.  The unchanging part was not about Israel's place before God as His people, but about the way to be.  Israel was graciously shown the way to be God's people, but they were responsible for responding to it.  They could choose or choose not to listen.  They chose not to.

“A man of God came to Eli and said to him, “This is what the Lord says: ‘Didn’t I reveal Myself to your ancestral house when it was in Egypt and belonged to Pharaoh’s palace?
Out of all the tribes of Israel, I selected your house to be priests, to offer sacrifices on My altar, to burn incense, and to wear an ephod in My presence.
I also gave your house all the Israelite fire offerings.
Why, then, do all of you despise My sacrifices and offerings that I require at the place of worship?
You have honored your sons more than Me, by making yourselves fat with the best part of all of the offerings of My people Israel.’”
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭2:27-29‬ ‭

Basically God is saying, I told you who I was.  I'm God Almighty!  And is that how you respond to God?  By stealing my food and ignoring my presence?  If that's how you "honor me" then NO LONGER will I be your God.  God does not change the way He is.
You either treat God as God or you don't.  If He's not treated like He's your Father then He won't be.  Eli's sons disregarded God again and again without repentance so God disregarded them without mercy.  Repentance is a request for mercy, but you can't take hold of something you never reached for.  

1. "Then I will raise up a faithful priest for Myself.

2. He will do whatever is in My heart and mind.

3. I will establish a lasting dynasty for him,

4. and he will walk before My anointed one for all time.”
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭2:35‬ ‭

Notice that this faithful priest is not a robot.
God is going to raise someone up, raising a child means teaching them what's right from wrong through a long process of falling and getting back up, mourning losses and celebrating victories.  God is saying He is going to enter into a Father-child relationship with one who will end up doing His will not by force but by learning and being taught.  Unlike the rebellious sons of Eli, this person would respond to God as their good Father which would produce repentance and growing obedience.  Any child who really trusts their parents will listen but the one who distrusts their parents will simply ignore them and do whatever they think is right in their own eyes--that's what Eli's sons did.  God was looking for a true son not a fake child.

--->We do as we are taught.  (Who is teaching you?  Choose your teachers wisely. <---

THEN! God said, after this person has been raised and trained by God, God will establish his ways because if you do things God's way then you'll get God's promised results.  God knows what we need and He knows how to get it.  So if He teaches us then He will prove Himself worthy of His own methods through our obedience.

Love you guys.
Jmegrey