Most difficult time of my life

Outreach in preh vihear province:

Duration: 7 days

Some thoughts:

First bucket shower...awkward.

A bucket shower is literally filling up a bucket (that is actually a large plastic bin often also used as a trash bin) and using a smaller bucket to scoop out the water and pour over yourself.  Is the water clean? Probably not.  But it's better than keeping the mixture of dirt and sweat on yourself and getting some sort of rash.

No toilet paper, no hose, such a mystery, kind of don't want to know.  I mean how do you...? Yea, I probably want to remain ignorant in this area due to my sensitivity toward bad hygiene.  It's not that they are dirty to a degree that's unlivable, but it's that I'm not used to the way they do things here.

Yea, brown water bucket showers and no toilet paper........then there's the food: lots of oily rice with salty msg soy sauce or sugary chili paste with meat that's not been refrigerated. 

But my faith grows.  I can not help but press into God when everything both physical and mental begins to sink it's teeth into my life.  There is hardly a place of relief here, but instead relief comes in moments, or more like minutes or seconds.  I'll have a minute where I feel a cool breeze or a few seconds when I don't see Mosquitos, or I'll get to enjoy a banana for a minute.  All of these are moments that I truly thank God for. 

---

And my little melt down before God:

Through all the mundane and all that's uncomfortable (bugs, sharing a squatty potty with no hose or toilet paper?!, hot weather, questionable food) I ask You God, what is the purpose for all of this?  What are You trying to teach me?  Team unity?  Fellowship? 

Day one (Monday, preh vihear)

Man I am so self centered.  I made sure that I had the best seats in the van (because I was concerned about getting motion sickness), the best mangos, a full egg and a quarter (when some people only had half), and I keep my snacks to myself (my almonds, my turkey jerky, my gum.  I share here and there, but not as much as I keep for myself.  I also take showers first, and wash my hands in the bucket when I shouldn't (mostly clean hands, but still).  I am so selfish.  I keep hearing "outdo one another in honor", but the application is difficult for a selfish soul like mine.  I have yet to let go of my self preservation control issues.  Oh that God would heal me of my greed, and that my faith would grow higher and stronger in moments when I am afraid that if I don't get me mine first then I will regret it or be miserable.  

Wednesday (preh vihear)

Yesterday was a good taste of real team unity.

Today was good in that God spoke to me through peace.

I had a good talk with two of my teammates.

Sarah told me about how she could see herself living in preh vihear! (Unbelievable!  Especially because we both suffer the same things together, but what she said really shows that it's from God and not herself)

So piep asked me to speak truth into her life, to keep her boldly and honestly accountable.

I got bit 13 times on my back alone.  Then 9 on my left arm, 2 on my left hand, 5 on my right arm, 5 on my left leg, 7 on my right leg and 1 on my right foot.  Do the math.  Gah.  Heat that causes excessive sweating and mosquito bites that cause excessive itching.  If those two things were subtracted I would say this is one of my favorite places (Cambodia). Well, also there is the worms in food issue, sanitation issue and dirt clogging everything issue, and poor plumbing issue, but this is the daily grind for most of Southeast Asia.  Live and learn, and love.  So yea, maybe not my favorite place, in fact I mostly dislike it here (if I'm honest my body hates it here), but I am oddly joyful albeit, so therefore it is one of my favorite places. (I'm talking about Battambang and not so much preh vihear, preh vihear was just all around difficult)

Thursday night (preh vihear)

Showered with 2000 Mosquitos or so it definitely looked like.  My body is fatigued and I have a big bug bite on my cheek that has swelled.  It's hot.  I'm sweaty and I have to shower twice and change clothes multiple times during the day.  I find it difficult to just be dirty, yet showering multiple times is also difficult because we have to conserve water for everyone else, and the water itself is not too clean, and I get attacked by legions of bugs whilst trying to get "clean". Then the more I change clothes the more hand washing laundry I will have to do which is tiresome to the fifth exponent.  

---

Lord,

Thank You for blessing me albeit my circumstances and attitude.  Thank You for every good thing, but please clarify what You want from me.  Am I believing in a genie god?  Is my heart still bargaining for marriage and children or am I willing to obey You whatever You ask of me?  This is so difficult.  The Mosquitos, the sweating, the heat, the dirtiness, the food, the bathrooms, the beds, the people.  Lord, where are You now?  I don't feel You near me right now, and I'm so scared.  I'm scared because I feel like I may be doing all of this for something unreal.  I don't want to be doing this without You always with me, teaching me, and loving me.  I loathe it here.  I don't like it at all.  It's not even just the discomfort, but the lack of production, the lack of motivation in me to serve.  I am so dry and lost here.  I feel like most of what I do is still selfish.  I just don't want to come back here.  Maybe You want me to stay in Burma?  I do love my English class students (won nah, liep, geeah, som-nang, ree, maraka, rothana) but it's so boring.  I feel like it's meaningless.  I am learning how to always make use of my time, and to taste the life outside my blessed life, but Father what do You want me to do?  Please speak to me loud and clear and I pray the itching ceases and that no more Mosquitos bite me, please.  Protect me Lord. 

I like the fruit.

I like the people.

I like encouraging others through prayer. 

I like that I push into You as my source of strength and comfort 

I like that I can see for myself how people live and what they suffer, and how they worship you in their settings.

So please.  Please hear my plea and answer me about why I am here and if I am to come back?  

---

Then I heard God saying:

Pray for those who suffer these very same things all the while also struggling with insecurities, broken families, abuse, depression, loneliness and fear.

---

I remember thinking, not verbally saying "I can't get too close to the village children (not even touch them) because I might get lice or some other disease."  What a terrible thought!  Why and how can I be so in love with God yet think such things?

After I bathed two kids, I threw their dirty village-worn clothes in the laundry pile, but their dad put them back on, I felt terrible for assuming they had other clean clothes to change into. 

I also made a comment about how something was "only 25 cents", but to a khemi person I maybe sounded offensive.  I need to be more careful. But I noticed that in my hesitance I heard a thought that also said I shouldn't have said that so that he doesn't know that I have enough money lest he use me for that!  What a terrible thought, again!  I am so greedy, and the only cure for greed is to give more. 

Friday

So hot I am overwhelmed and faint.  Weak.  So faint.  Overwhelmed by the heat and the excessive sweating.  My stomach is hurting from bad indigestion and I'm so bloated, and feel sick in my stomach.  I need more of You Jesus. 

Tonight went from the worst to kind of really great.  I got to pray during Friday night bible study, then enjoyed some boiled eggs at the night market with the other missionaries. I spoke to the khemi people a bit, as hard as it was since I kept thinking about the fruit I had just ate that had ants on it, but hunger threw caution to the wind.  Why.  Anyway, they say that when we come back in April for a month it will be the intense hot season (in the hundreds).  And...scary as that sounds, especially when the "cool weather" now is already giving me heat illness and dehydration and constant sticky neck, back and hair ....I will carry His name, for Jesus, I always have to remind myself that he stepped down from perfect heaven to come and meet with wretched and cruel and imperfect man.  What He did was for the sake of eternity, because He loved us, He wanted to be with us forever.  So I am reminded that whatever discomfort I may feel (and might I repeat: I FEEL IT AND IT IS PAINFUL TO THE POINT OF DESPERATE CRIES FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT) this is not about me, my life is not mine anymore.  I have to see the eternity in my obedience.  Why is the question.  I always ask why.  Why am I here in preh vihear when I hate it so much?  Why do I have to be with these people who are all so much younger and different than me?  Why do I have to hand-wash my clothes in scorching heat?  Why do I get bit by the Mosquitos the most?  Why did You create Mosquitos?! God?! Why?! Why is it so smoldering hot here?! How do people live like this?  It's so terrible...and I begin to cry.  Why did You bring me here God?  Why couldn't I serve You or learn the things You taught me here back in California? Or Nashville?  Why here?  After I am done venting to my Maker and Father I calm down a bit.  He gently lifts my chin and says "I am."  And it all gets cleared that why is a good question, but where is the one that makes all the pain and suffering worth it.  Where are You God?  And He speaks.  To me.  He speaks to me, and I don't know why but for some reason I hear Him much more clearly in Cambodia than in California or Nashville.  He was barely a murmur in California, then a soft whisper in Nashville, and now I hear Him speak as one who is face to face with me.  That is the answer to all my "whys".  Where He is is where I have to be to live.  

So I'm itchy, sunburnt and getting a disgusting tan (all who know me know I embrace my ghostly paleness), eating food that will eventually give me worms if I'm not careful, sharing a toilet with no flush or toilet paper with 10 other people, sleeping on a wooden slat on dirty unwashed bed sheets, sweating excessively through 3 shirts a day and scarring from all the scratching, and having to hand wash my laundry in what appears to be questionable water....and those are just a few of the external difficulties.  I am just venting to you now, maybe I'm looking for pity or admiration, but regardless I know I'm still so selfish all about my self preservation, lacking in love, compassion, generosity, and just a heart for those who don't know that Jesus loves them.   I have so much pride, shame, guilt, and apathy always lingering in every corner, waiting to tie me up and if I'm not close to Jesus I let the lies of the enemy slowly but meticulously entangle me in all my past.  How I used to be is no longer who I am in Jesus.  Thank God that I belong to the One who is over all, and whose mere name holds power over any enemy.  

And now, today is Sunday.  Thank God I'm back in Battambang, which once felt so difficult but now is luxury compared to preh vihear! Haha. God sees me, loves me and I'm learning to see more and more of Him through every hardship and every blessing. 

J

Exposed damages

I am struggling today, and it feels like I've been struggling this entire week, but I haven't been.  Struggling today feels like more than it really is.  Today I struggled at some point during the day, more than usual, because now as I lay down to go to sleep I have a sense of unrest and lack of peace.  I usually feel grateful and relaxed when I have been walking forth in obedience throughout the day, but right now I can't find my peace.  I want to remember this moment as a way of evidence for what disobedience and sin often and inevitably leads to.  A lack of peace is most felt, but there is also a dreadful hopelessness, I hear my thoughts putting my past joys down as fleeting and increasing my doubts of who God is and whether or not He is real, or the legitimacy of who I am in Him is weakened.  I know these are lies, but the feeling that they are true is so powerfully felt.  I know they are lies because God says His love for me does not change, even when He is angry with me for my disobedience.  His anger is like that of a father who had to watch his kid touch a burning stove top despite his firm warning to stay away, the father is angry because his child's disobedience led to harm that could have landed him in serious danger.  God has only good intentions for me, but my faith still falters at the sight of a terrible storm!  I begin to think I must take control in order to preserve myself, but all the while God keeps saying...I'm God, don't fear what you see but fear what you know. 

(The next day) 

So today I decided to just stare at Him, rather than go with the currents of my emotions or what I felt like would be best, I'm just sitting here staring at Him, and His peace rests on me like an oasis in the desert.  Joy is raining like a feathery drizzle, and I'm just so reminded that He is God and I am not.  He will have all the glory regardless of my responses, and I will only benefit to obey Him, and vice versa, that any disobedience will only lead to my own demise.  Sigh.  My foolish heart is so grateful to be in the hands of a patient Father right now.

I want to see God do crazy miraculous spectacular things in my life.  I want to see things in my life that are damaged be fixed, to see things in my life that are bad become good, the weaknesses be strengths. But I can't see any of that if I stand in God's way with my desire to control my life as I see fit.  It's like asking a plumber to fix a leaking pipe.  We have our hand over the area of damage, and we know, we so for sure know without a doubt that if we take our hand off the area that the area will be exposed and maybe even start to leak out!  So we keep our hand over the damage, and we wonder if this plumber will really be able to fix the damage, but first we have to remove our hand for him to even be able to begin the process of fixing.  That's how I see myself before God as I pray for all the broken areas of my life.  I have my hand as a very poor and even difficult/tiring temporary fixture over my problems, and God is saying "Now let go so I can get to work on that", but I'm so scared that if I let go the damage will be more than I can bear.  What if poop starts coming out of the pipe?! Or dead cockroaches?! What if I let go and the entire thing just collapses and ends up being more broken than before?!  Then it would have been better to have kept my hand there, I start to think.  So maybe I should just hold my hand of temporary and tiring control over this leak...but for how long?  Do I not believe God is God?  That He can fix it even if the entire thing collapses? The God I have come to know through the bible would not abandon me, but He promises to heal and make all things new.  The God I know is someone who loves me so fiercely that to even question Him on this now feels foolish.  So I lift my hand as I tremble and cry from the loss of my temporary control, and cry even more as I see the mess spill out, the damage is more than I even thought!  But I let go, and He can now begin to fix it, but as He does I think He let's the mess get a lot more messier intentionally (because He cares more about our relationship of trust being built than this one problem getting fixed) in order to show me just how powerful he really is so that the next time I have a burst pipe or a hurricane comes and tears down my entire house, I'll remember that He is bigger and more powerful.  The bigger the mess the bigger my faith in Him becomes when I let my hand go, because if He can be trusted with such a giant mess, then I can grow in the confidence that He can be trusted with everything.  However, that still doesn't make seeing the mess (especially when the mess gets even more disgusting and terrible) easy...it's still the visible things that are more easily felt than the knowledge of what is yet to be seen.  So I am in a sea of my emotions that shout: "this looks bad! Put your hand back!  Look it's getting worse!  Hurry up before it's too late!  Stop this mess!  Look at it!  You're going to regret this!"  And man this is when the crying gets so out of control because I have to fight everything in me that tells me not to trust God because of what I see (the mess getting worse!).  But I hold on to truth rather than what I see, because I made the choice to believe that God is real.  If God is real then He is good because He made a way for us to be with Him by giving us His only Son to die as the ultimate sacrifice that would pay for everyone's debt.  If He is real then He loves me because He has yet to fail me in my meager as well as monumental moments of relentless trust in Him.  

As time goes by, I see more and more that I never want to go back to being the one whose hand is over anything.  I am such a terrible fixer.  Haha. 

J

Ps: I'm writing this from my room, my bedroom (I sleep on the bottom bunk with 6 other roommates), and I look behind me and there's a baby bird that looks like a vulture, bald and kind of handicapped with tufts of hair in odd places, calling out to its mother from the floor of my bedroom!  How it got there I have no clue.  It's the size of a deformed ping pong ball.  But when and how did it get to be behind my chair on the ground is concerning me.  Naturally I checked my hair in case it had a sibling that fell too, but nope...just one random bird.  In my bedroom.  It must have come in through the vent? Because there is no other opening....haha just so bizarre.  But this little bald creature is me, I am completely helpless on the floor haha, so vulnerable and bald.  But His hands carry me safely to where I need to be.

Hurdles

I have to examine my heart over and over before I speak a word to someone whether it be advice, encouragement or a confrontational rebuke.  I make all sorts of excuses for why I should be quiet, but I am learning to fine tune the way I speak to people, so that I make an effort (against my natural desire and comfort) to convey a message carried by love rather than to show that I'm right or that they are wrong. To speak or not to speak is all about my heart.

After a really heart raw conversation with one of my very good friends here I realized that I've not sacrificed anything worthy of being called a sacrifice yet.  My one thing, as difficult as it was (to me it felt like one of the biggest sacrifices I have ever made), was actually quite minuscule in light of what God really wants from me (which is everything). I walk forward still, excited for how I can grow closer to see Him better.  Although I found my sacrifice so novice next to the real risks my friend took in trusting God, she really opened my eyes to just how good God is.  He usually asks for more when He is planning to give even more to us!  The bigger the sacrifice and level of trust and faith that our obedience requires the more He is leading us to deeper levels of His richness.  To know God's nature and character, an actual glimpse of how good He is...even just a glimpse is all it takes to throw whatever this world has into the trash!  (The world may throw a hot body at you, God is way more meaningfully epic than our vanity and the admiration of others, it may throw millions of dollars at us, chump change to the joy and confidence people think will only come with more money or more stuff or more ways to be lazy, the world may throw fame or recognition at us for something we do, and that too will last for only a brief time until the next person comes along and we are yesterday's has-been.  My point is God actually has something to offer us, and that is Himself.  To know God.  God who speaks and things just must come into existence, I mean, if you love an adventure it is so much more fun when you Know God through a relationship.  He does things in your life that people die trying to attain, like giving you a reason to do what you love to do.  He is so good.  I am so loved, and if God calls me to stay in Cambodia for the next few years of my life I will.  If He calls me back to California or Nashville or maybe to morocco I will go just to obey, even if another part of me would be terrified, I have tasted and seen who God is, and how He loves me that I can't help but want to know and see Him more!  

One step at a time means one issue, one obstacle at a time.  Yea I have multiple hurdles to jump on this track, but the reality of it is that the one right in front of me is the one I need to focus on in order to even get to all the other ones, and thank God for that!  When I start to feel overwhelmed at how many hurdles I'll need to jump I begin to feel as if I have to have enough power in my legs to jump all of them in one giant super leap!  While this is possible, because God can do that, He's God, but most of the time it's usually one thing at a time, and it's never a hurdle that we are incapable of jumping(1 Corinthians 10:13).  God gives us everything we need (the amount of energy, the resources, the strength, etc) to get over each specific hurdle (whether it be an amount of money He is asking you to give, a phone call to make, a relationship to end, or advice to heed from someone we don't respect, whatever it is, it will be difficult (so, so difficult it oftentimes may look and feel impossible) but we will have all that we need to do it in Christ.  God just desires our obedience in both the big things and the little things.  Our obedience is more important than our issues.  

So what's the one hurdle right now that is in front of you?  Think about it.  Stop looking at all the hurdles and focus on the one thing in your heart that has been bobbing it's ugly head in your mind lately.  You usually  think about it first when you start to pray because it is in the way.  And recognize that this is one hurdle, one hop of obedience, one response to one obstacle.  Then, and only after you've passed this one, then you can more clearly see the next hurdle.  One at a time.

Can I just add that obedience doesn't always feel like this great euphoric victory?  Sometimes our hurdles come in sets, we have one major issue that needs to be dealt with by taking leaps over a series of steps before we have completely left the major issue in the dust behind us.  (Issues like forgiveness, addiction, pride, insecurity, greed, and anger)  So don't think that just because you fought and won today that you're supposed feel great, don't rely on your feelings to dictate your progress.  It is about finishing strong, not starting or continuing strong.  The only thing that will matter is whether or not you obeyed until the very end.  Nobody cares about the athlete who was ahead of everyone at the second or third lap, but the one who finishes has every reason to celebrate and cry tears of joy as they place the gold medal around their neck.  So run to win, or don't run at all.  How you finish will be the only thing that matters.  And thankfully we are assured that in Christ we will win, it is written.  

When relapse happens

This week was really different than the past other weeks.  It was more difficult to be thankful, not because God wasn't being good or pouring joy and blessings into my life, but because I chose to grab on to my sense of entitlement.  I chose to get irritated with the people who kept wanting to talk to me about things I didn't care about, and I chose to let the humidity and discomfort of sweating make me feel as if I was a victim of harsh conditions rather than a servant of undeserved grace. Suddenly I got off my knees, and turned away from Jesus and instead started digging around in the trash for all those things I had thrown away just days ago.  I was finding crumpled up pieces of my greed, shreds of my sense of entitlement, peelings of my selfishness, and rags of my pride; it didn't happen all of a sudden, in fact I was surprised when I looked around me and saw how my perspective had changed.  I hadn't even really noticed when I had turned from Gods face to my rubbish.  It was only until I felt so trapped and overwhelmed by circumstances and people that I realized my gaze had shifted.  I had to repent.  I made a choice to follow Jesus a few days ago, not just to follow but to deny everything I have and do whatever He says.  I gave up my rights (we don't have any to begin with, only the illusion of it).  We each have no right to any good thing, but God in his goodness and love for us blesses us with every good thing.  That is something that is so important to recognize if you choose to have a relationship with God.  He is God, you are not.  The sooner this reaches your heart from your head (in other words the sooner you apply this rather than just say it) the sooner the real work of transformation can begin.  

A daily surrender will only be possible and make sense if you know who God is.  The cost may look too high (I used to think giving my everything would be impossible, and that that was just a way to "shoot for the moon only to land on a star", but God says nothing is impossible with Him, and the moon is not only reachable, it's a light that woos our hearts everyday.  God desires us to know Him, He desires to speak to you!  Once again, the cost will only look like nothing if you know and believe that He is God, He is good, and He loves you. 

I have to be reminded of who I really am everyday, beginning with the moment I get up to go pee, and carrying on to the midday when relapse usually crouches at every corner, onto the night when I take in a deep breath of gratitude for Gods grace in it all.

I am a daughter of God.  There is no higher privelage than that.  I lack nothing.  Come what may, be it sweaty days and humid nights with swarms of mosquitos and cockroaches and spiders, dust clogging up my pores, come whatever!  God is good.  Gods plan is perfect, and He tells me everyday (when I listen) that He so deeply has affections for me!  

Another day of letting go of even more,

J

Joy-full

       Could I serve a God I wasn't completely surrendered to? Could I serve a God I withheld things from, and not just anything but the deepest things in my heart?  I wondered this tonight as I prayed and kept getting reminded of the one thing in my heart God kept asking me to give Him since arriving in Cambodia.  I kept finding ways to avoid it, to justify holding on to it, even reasons that appeared godly! I wrestled with this, and it came down to the question of "could I live my life holding on to this (and other things) and still follow God who asked me to give Him my whole heart?"  Not only if that was possible, because it probably isn't, but also would I even want to serve a God that was whatever I made Him out to be...a fake God, my make-believe God who was ok with me not giving Him everything not because I thought it was impossible (because let's just face it, it's possible you just don't want to go through the pain of detachment or the fear of change and unknown outcomes), but it wouldn't be the God of the bible that clearly commands those who love Him to give 

up everything on a daily basis.

 (Luke 9:23)

  I thought about how I could still appear to be good, I could still look like a "good Christian" to other people so as to remain a part of this community, but deep down, I would know that I wasn't sure because I had resigned to holding back from fully knowing Him.  It would be something like getting married to someone over the internet, never actually meeting this person, never getting to embrace him, never getting to stare into his face and tell him how much I loved him, never getting to have a lord of the rings marathon with, or never getting to cry and be held by him.  It would be so dissatisfying!  I would hate that!  I'd rather not marry because it would be so futile.  Because there would be no real intimacy.  Likewise, when I fought to wonder if letting the one thing that was in my heart go, I had to really weigh what was happening.  I could keep it, and at first that felt safe.  It was mine, a subtle sniff of entitlement.  I could think this was "my best effort" so that should be enough, but that was a lie because it didn't take much effort to just ignore what He wanted and carry on with my life the way I saw fit.  Then I wondered if I would be ok serving a God I only barely knew (because intimacy with Him requires us to give Him everything, especially the thing we hold so strongly in our hearts, because God who needs nothing from us only desires our hearts-- and this is so individual for each person.  Some hold on to a relationship, some hold on to food, maybe you hold on to a job, or in your heart it might even be a cheap pair of earrings, maybe it's a child, a house, it could be money, your ministry, your right to be angry.  God knows what it is, and He wants us to let go of that because He loves us.  From the beginning He has been saying He is better, that everything else will fade away in time.). So the question was answered: He is better!  To follow God without real intimacy turned out to be completely futile and utterly dissatisfying, better to not follow Him at all then because you'd get the same result.  

Then I was reminded that everything belongs to God anyway!  That He gives and takes away, but just as He had manna fall from the sky to feed the Israelites in the desert, He will not abandon me to be destroyed, because I believe He is good and that He loves me.  These truths are essential to trusting Him, to giving up everything to Him, but it must start by faith.  It is a choice, and if you want to really know who God is, how good He is and how He so loves you, then ask Him to show you (if you aren't already aware) what is in your heart that He wants.  If it's easy to give up right away, that probably wasn't it. Haha.  I wrestled with mine for weeks here in Cambodia, the decision kept swinging from one end to the other.  I'd ask myself "God, are You sure

THIS is what You want?  No, right?  It's so trivial!  Surely You don't really want this, ...right?"  And other days, usually during worship or prayer, I would feel so convicted and think "well even if this wasn't what You were asking for, clearly I keep seeing it pop up in my heart, so why would I take even the slightest chance at missing out on what You want to show me by holding this thing, this trivial and meaningless thing, back from You?!"  I would be shown how I really had nothing to lose, because everything belonged to God anyway.  But God in his goodness and love wanted me to choose Him through this, because as difficult as it was to even think about letting this one thing go I knew it would drive me right into His arms.  

(And it's embarrassing because it is really such a small thing!)

Gods arms.  God who just speaks and things get created!  Show me someone else who says "tree!" And poof! A tree.  God who says that His footstool is the earth!  Those are some massive feet.  There is so much confidence and comfort when You're in arms of that kind of power. 

I could go on, but I won't because it would just be repeating myself in different ways to make my point even more clear.  

So my hope is that you, by faith, give Him everything in order to know Him intimately.  That whether you end up having much or little, pain or sadness, that despite all of that you would have a deep resounding confidence and joy to the point where come what may, you'd see how good God is,who so ferociously loves you, and everything else just fades away in comparison.  This JOY is amazing.  I'm in Cambodia, it's sticky and there are bugs everywhere in my food and eating my ankles, but man, I have some seriously precious Joy.

Joyfully,

J

Later the next day...

So I gave it up, my heart wrenching at the thought of losing this thing but with the wisdom to know that He is better...and all I heard God say was, ok, and now for the next thing I want...

Because it's never just one thing, if it was that simple there'd be tons of perfect people walking the earth today.  It's waking up and saying, ok God today I give you more.  Then the next day, ok God I give You even more, and the next day more, and everyday after that until there is significantly less of yourself and significantly more of Jesus; all the while never expecting praise or even the slightest acknowledgment for "your efforts" or "your offering" or "your obedience".  It wouldn't make sense to be praised for giving up something that never belonged to you in the first place in exchange for something better that you don't even deserve.  All the praise and acknowledgment goes to the God who shows us so much grace, and along the way you see that what you gave up pales drastically in comparison to what you gain in such lavish grace.  

All because of His love and for His glory.

God are You real?

And the burning question behind most of my fears is: God, are You real?

Let the storm come so that every foundation not built upon You,

our Rock, 

be torn down.

May the sand castles crumble! 

Let the storm be more evidence that You are real,

 and that everything else is just a castle made of sand.  

As I choose to give up all my castles, everything that I think makes my worth or that is good in my life, 

as I abandon those things and run to cling to the One Rock, 

show me in the storm that they were always just worthless sand.  

Though the storm may frighten me, though I may feel alone, 

though I may think "surely I'll die in this turbulence!", 

remind me that You see me, 

that You love me, 

and that You are my shield, 

my Joy, 

that I am Yours, 

and You are God, 

and You are good.

-J

Trembling

The farthest distance I see in myself lies between my head and my heart. What I know in my mind, and what I really want or love in my heart do not align in some major areas.  The fact of the matter is I get overwhelmed by truth, because I am afraid of change.  Change is unknown and carries with it a lot of "what ifs". Change.  We all want it in some areas, but definitely not in others, and when we give our everything to God we also give up those areas we don't want change in...like good skin, our health, our boyfriend or girlfriend, our friends, our family's respect, people's respect, our comforts.  We think "well since these areas are pretty good, my control over them should be kept and not given up to God, because what if He changes those things that I don't want change in?!  And we freak out, or in my case become overwhelmed by truth.  Truth being, God has a better plan, better ways, better thoughts.

  Isaiah 55:8,9--

“Indeed, my plans are not like your plans,

and my deeds are not like your deeds,

for just as the sky is higher than the earth,

so my deeds are superior to your deeds

and my plans superior to your plans."

But still.  I like my plans, and so how do I know that Gods plans will be better or superior to my own (at least for the things I don't want changed)?  That only comes when you get to know God, and just how good He is. We all want to change for the better, but if you're like me you like to see the blueprint first and get clear concise directions on where and when to do something.  We expect things.  Our expectations are a huge obstacle to change, because Gods ways are higher so therefore if what we expected happened then that statement would not be true.  You must not have expectations, because you'll set yourself up for more fear when they don't happen,...and they won't.  I can guarantee that your expectations of how it will look will not come to pass.  God is holy, which means that He is set apart from all.  Likewise what we fear, He sees as nothing.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

 when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."  -Isaiah 43:2

Notice He does not say you will not pass through waters or rivers or that we won't walk through fire.  He says "WHEN", meaning we will experience our circumstances being terrible and in the eyes of the world we will have every right to be overwhelmed, cranky, to be felt sorry for, but God says His ways are higher.  He wants to carry us through our worst circumstances so that when we come out of them our faith will grow and we will see Him more clearly.  

So it comes back to that one thing.  Or maybe (most likely) it's several things, but for the sake of simplicity I want to bring to center stage that deep rooted possession in our hearts that is buried underneath all our spiritual knowledge, and underneath all the other bigger and more obvious sins...because God sees the heart.  He sees what we try to keep, even if to others it looks ok to keep, we know we are possessive over it.  That is what God wants, and if we believe His ways are higher, believe that He loves me and loves you, believe that He is God, then we will take what we want or have so badly (whether it's our ministry, an addiction, a relationship, a job, even our hold on our health, it could be anything we feel possessive over--like we have to micromanage it) and with tremendous amounts of trembling and fear and doubt and the freaking heebie-jeebies, we make the choice to let what we know surpass what we feel and let God do heart surgery on us. 

 Even writing this I feel scared, I'm on the verge of tears as I write because I know how intense it is.  We see the knife coming down, the physician is about to cut our chest open and that's freaking intense, but if he doesn't take out what is blocking us from life, we'll never get well.  We know post surgery is also going to hurt a lot, and that's scary too.  So it's in this moment where we just make the choice.  Choose to be still and let God cut out that one thing, the one thing in our hearts that we so badly want to be kept left alone, unchanged, because we think we have it under control, that is exactly why God wants that one thing, because we shouldn't have anything under our control. 

God will be glorified regardless of what I choose.  So choose to let God have His higher way in your life, but if not, I don't know what will happen, but it says that 

Jesus prayed...

"Father, bring glory to your name.”

Then a voice spoke from heaven, saying, 

“I have already brought glory to my name, and I will do so again.”

-John 12:28

And God also says:

"For my sake alone I will act,

for how can I allow my name to be defiled?

I will not share my glory with anyone else!"

-Isaiah 48:11

So if I think I can hold on to my one thing, that I have this under control, I am trying to hold back from giving God all the glory, and His glory will not be defiled nor shared, so to me that looks like I'll get a pretty bad awakening if I think I can withhold anything from God.  That's just how I see truth as it is written in the bible.

So the truth, I'll say it again and again, is that when I choose to run from the knife of Gods heart surgery, I'm essentially saying that I love my one thing more than I love God.  How then can God have an intimate relationship with me?  

I want to know God, and it's scary to be still as He cuts me open to remove my one thing, my identity, but I ask God now to help me choose what I know over what I feel.

Obedience is not emotional (so whether you're crying or not doesn't matter), obedience is intentional.

God is not a feeling, He's real.

If I didn't get my point pinned down, then I failed in writing this, haha and I will be humbled.  God will be glorified still. 

Trembling,

-J