Apartment Hunting....wait, what?

THIS IS EXTREMELY UNEDITED so pardon the tangents and parts that don't make sense or leave you going: "wait, what?"

I'm not even going to re-read anything I write, I've got a waterfall of thoughts and they will just fall.

Cheap and Shady or Expensive and Safe?....or...........cheap, safe, but financially risky?

       Finding an apartment is strange.  It's literally ridiculous.  First you just want a safe and semi-nice place to be able to move all your stuff into and eat, sleep, poop and watch netflix in, seems simple enough.  You sort of picture this great hardwood studio, with a bathroom that doesn't look like someone missed the toilet, and the location is close to where you hang out (for me that would be near my church in Hilsboro Village and Green Hills because of Trader Joes, obviously) Then you have to consider finding a good roommate or mates.  Then you begin the process, and for some reason the stress levels rise, because we will allow that to happen whenever things don't get presented to us on a nice and neat platter. -_- Then when the mates are found you both (or all, however many people band together) stress over finding a place to eat, sleep, poop and watch netflix in as the time snips awfully close to your move out date.  After many failed attempts, blocked calls, and unanswered emails inquiring about these so-called "deals" on shady craigslist, you start to get desperate.  Now you just want anything, and you want it as soon as possible.  Or if you're like me, you begin to think that perhaps Nashville is booting you out, and God is calling you elsewhere.  I kept my mind open to the possibility of moving back west.  Of course a part of me thinks, well, going back will allow me to not pay rent for a while which would be nice, but eventually I'd move out and would have to pay rent, would have to find a job or apply to grad school, would have to search for mates, and the whole thing would follow me like a snickering cloud spewing rain and hail on my face, making my mascara run, my hair matted to my forehead, and I would just stand there....once again, finding that I need Jesus, that I cannot do anything on my own, because I'm weak, confused, easily distracted, and I write run on sentences.

       Going back home wouldn't be bad, it would just be comfortable, slightly boring, and way too familiar.  Those are all pretty much the same thing.  I hate and love how I hustle to pay for rent, gas, food, and copious amounts of vegan food and coffee.  (I'm not vegan, I just like to order vegan dishes because they taste good....try the curry dish at the Stone Fox...amaaaazing.)  Also, a huge factor in whether I move back west or stay in Nashville is my walk with the Lord.  Well, let me rephrase that to how it should be said: the ONLY factor is my walk with the Lord.  I have prayed to the best of my meek and feeble ability, to ask God what He wants me to do, we've had these blunt exchanges like:

me:  "Okay Lord, what do you want me to do?  Should I stay in Nashville or do you want me to go back?"

me audibly saying what I think God is saying (so it doesn't appear like I'm having strange unanswered conversations with the silent air in my room):  "It doesn't matter whether you stay or go, so long as you follow me."

me:  "Right.  Well, let me rephrase my question then.  Will I follow you better going back or staying here?"

audible me/maybe God: "You will follow Me best if you follow Me now."

me:  "-_-"
me:  "..."
me:  "but I'm so imperfect!!"
me:  "(sigh)"

Where are those tears when you want them?!  I hardly cry when I need the release, but if I'm trying to say something important or I'm wearing too much mascara then those ducts become a water slide and I can't get a word out.  I'm just a clown.

       Nashville is a great place to live.  There are so many cute coffee shops (with brunch!  Although I don't know why I put that bc I'm really not that excited about brunch, but I know a lot of folks are so it seemed appropriate to mention....but I had brunch at a place in East Nashville called : 308, and it was noteworthy), museums, parks, hiking and biking trails, cafes and restaurants, bars, churches, and other neat little gems like Jeni's ice cream or the Cheekwood Botanical gardens that hold various arrangements throughout the year including a light exhibit (the garden is lit up with lights in the shape of flowers and other artistic designs, it's pretty phenomenal...from what I hear, I haven't been yet.)

       Geez, am I breathing?  I promise I don't usually talk this much, I usually muse on the inside, constantly, incessantly...but I'm pretty tame from an external perspective.

       About the safe, cheap but financially risky business, (slides across the floor with ray bans, white dress shirt and underwear...... ugh -_-) it's really not that risky.  I'm just doing everything I can to stress myself out, because that seems to be a habit of mine.  I would be the one signing a year lease, while the other girls would likely only stay 6 months.  So, in a worst case scenario I could end up paying 600-1200/month for the remaining 6 months, .  It's not death, but it's risky biiiiiiiznaaaaas. haha. Yea.  I need to stop being ridiculous.  I have Jesus.  He's loaded.

------Thoughts on Dating (if you're reading this and we went on a date or two, this is not about you.  This is about me.  Wait, what?)

       Christian guys are difficult to find, it's like meeting a foreigner who speaks English without an accent (in the eyes of a very close-minded American)...they exist, but either they spent a lot of time studying in the states, or it just comes naturally to them, but they are not common.  There are a ton of "christian" guys here in Nashville, but saying you're christian and actually being one become very clear after a month or so, and I'm not the best example of a good christian, but I strive toward that...until I die.  And that's what I mean by a Christian guy.  Someone who is clearly broken, as all mankind is, but who strives toward allowing Jesus to heal him in every way.  That and someone who will want to talk about Jesus a lot....I love talking about Jesus, and I don't get to as often as I would like/need (because I'm scared or the atmosphere or people won't want to).  I'm not weird about it, although saying I'm not weird about it automatically makes me sound weird about it...so I'm gonna stop.

       I have noticed that in my past dating life, I'm more shallow and less focused, which always leads to a break up.  I'm always drawn by the handsome tall guy who makes witty remarks and can hold deep philosophical conversations.  I put their love for Christ in the closet to be "safe", when really that is the most important and determining factor for whether or not I will commit, and if they will commit to me, because my life is a constant race toward Jesus and bringing him all the glory of my life's efforts.  I'm non-committal.  I'm afraid of nothing, really.  Yet my non-committal personality is strong, and I despise that.  I know I will never meet the perfect person, and I am slowly coming to terms with my brokenness, and the brokenness of mankind.  I struggle with vanity, pride, greed, and selfishness (among other things).  So I know I will get annoyed with whoever I end up marrying, but as one pastor put it: It boils down to the fact that you will fight with whoever you marry, so are you willing to fight with this person for the rest of your life?

On my shallowness...

        I should get a tattoo that says:
"well, he's going to get fat and wrinkly (and so are you), but does he walk with Jesus?"

I told the Lord, when I first came to Nashville, that I would wait for a man after God's heart even if that meant waiting til I was 45 (cringe),  and it's not always easy, and things appear bleak, but if I follow the thread of my logic then it makes perfect sense.  If I married someone who wasn't in love with Jesus that would be hell on earth for me.  So my options are : rushing into hell on earth in my 20s or prayer and patience possibly into my 40s?  Of course ideally I'd still have the ability to bear children when I marry, come on, but we are talking extremes here.  My thoughts get hot or cold.  I leave the lukewarm stuff out with Obvious Oliver.

hmm, I wonder if I should be writing down and exposing this portion of my thoughts here.  I mean, I'd like to speak to all the ladies (or guys) out there who feel the same way and hopefully offer encouragement and hope, but I don't want any guys thinking this is my ad for a Christian man.

Time for work.

JmeGrey

Nightly thoughts.

      This month (June) has been hectic.  Or I'm just being dramatic.  I handled it, am handling it.  So maybe it was just the downhill part of the roller coaster (since that metaphor is usually used to define the ups and downs of life)....or was it the chugging upward part?  I'm not sure.
     
      Nashville is heating up so well that I almost cannot recall the bitter cold nights of rubbing my meager legs together underneath my blankets to generate some heat...and feeling sorely disappointed in the theory of friction.  The beginning stages of summer are pleasantly soothing for those past memories of feeling just so cold, but I know that soon enough the ratio of hot to cold will overcompensate and I will start pining for crisp cold air.  Oh, woe is me!  hehe.

       I have been learning at a steady constant rate who I am and how contrary my mind and heart can be.  One moment I feel swept and intoxicated by enthusiasm and joy, and the next moment I am emptied and feeling hopeless.  Such highs and lows are mostly due to my actions and reactions to circumstances, while other times they just ebb and flow regardless of events.  I may think that a life of comfort and smooth sailing would be ideal, but would that cost me compassion?  Joy?  Humbleness? Would I still be someone with an ounce of integrity if I never needed it?  I don't know, but it sure makes sense that without those moments of desperation and even pain, I would have no reason to love the people who would have comforted me, and very little motivation to be the best me.  So here I am, in a moment of quiet desperation, but I know after evaluating things, that this is a part of what makes me need love and have love.  Times of joy wait just around the corner.



       On a lighter note, my new favorite summer cup is an almond milk latte. :)  I would recommend getting one at The Frothy Monkey (but if you like it slightly sweet then ask them to add a little vanilla and or banana to the drink).  Cafe Coco also has a delicious almond milk latte, but they don't accept credit cards for purchases under $10.

       I'm now serving at two restaurants.  I never thought I'd actually be a server, it seemed like such an impossibility, because of my lack of experience.  I'm enjoying it thoroughly.  It is stressful at times, and makes me get frazzled when I cannot deliver perfection...so I'm frazzled at every moment, but it works well for me.  I can make my own schedule (after having made enough for rent), and I get to interact with a myriad of diverse minds.  I was surprised to find that I am actually very intrigued by my coworkers.  I used to think everyone annoyed me in some way or another, but turns out I like people a lot.  I don't know why or how or where I had fostered such an incorrect view of myself, but serving has shown me that my heart loves people.  So that was nice.  Although, it does scare me how much love people desire once you begin to give it to them.  Perhaps we all have unending amounts of love to share, but it doesn't always feel that way.  I try not to rely too much on my feelings, truth has a way of being the opposite of them.

        Here's the photo I put on my resume.  I don't know if it gives off an unfriendly vibe, but when I saw it I thought it depicted my personality spot on.  I'm smiling, if you can't tell, and the empty look in my eyes just means I'm thinking about something that I maybe want to share with you, but likely will not unless you say something first that's oddly unexpected and semi-vulnerable.  Or maybe I'll just share what I have to say if you wait long enough for it.

JmeGrey

I cried.

       My grandfather is on his deathbed as I type this.  My mom is with him (as he is her dad) in Canada, and it was strange, but it didn't really truly hit me, the sadness, until a few minutes passed by and I was slowly processing the reality that I will not be able to hug him, talk to him, or see him again while I live on this earth.  That made me sad.  I like hugging people.  I love my family, so naturally I'm hugging them left and right, out of nowhere, sneak attack hugs, big strong bear hugs, quick parting side hugs, and my favorite: the thankful back hug.  I wish I could have given my grandpa one more sweet hug, a soft one since he's probably very fragile, and because it would be sweeter and more memorable.  I won't be able to hug him, but I got to tell him that I loved him over the phone, and I take great relief in knowing that I will see him again in perfect joy.

        It puts life, my life, back into a more defined perspective.  We always hear the phrase: "life is short", but when someone close to you passes away, it's weird to think that they will be gone, but it's even more weird to also realize that one day you will be gone too.  We all come to an end eventually, and this is life, and that is what makes it so short.  However, death is only the way to eternal life.  We, as loved sons and daughters of our Father, shed this body and are lifted into His eternal kingdom.  That sounds like a sci-fi story, but it's true.  I mean, I'm not too sure about all the exact details, but the important thing is that death is nothing to fear because it's not the end.  Death should actually be a joyful experience for God's children; it is our goodbye on earth and our hello to the One who loves us most.  That's not to say we should desire an early death, since we are all called to run a race with all our hearts in order to bring God glory and somehow show our love and thankfulness for making a way for us to be with Him after death.  Death will happen to me, to you, to them, but it is not the end.

       I cried, no actually I sobbed, but it was weird.  Weird because I didn't feel heart-sad, but it was more of an obligatory cry mixed with sincere sadness, but not the kind of weeping sadness that I feel when I tell the Lord how sorry I am.  That kind of sadness makes me break down into rivers of tears, but this was brief sobs of goodbye...for now, for a while, wish-I-could-have-given-you-one-last-hug kind of cry.  Then I cried some more for my mom who I know must be more sad than me.  I wish I could be with my mom to hold her hand as she says goodbye to her dad, and to hug her tightly when it's over, and hug her to let love surround and comfort her, but I can't...so that's why I sobbed a little more.  I promise I'm not a big sob blob, but I thought I'd share it honestly on here because it seems to help me feel better about it all.  Not that I feel bad about it, but it happened, the sobbing, and in case there's someone reading this that sobbed too, I'm right there with ya.  ;)

JmeGrey

Desperate people like you, like me.

So I'm pretty active on instagram, which is amazing because I'm the most inadequate social media user.  My facebook is dead (it resurrects every once in a while when I feel desperately uninformed or curious about people's updates in life/past), and I've never had a twitter account, and I'm not even on Pinterest (sadly).  But Instagram is my jam.  I take a lot of photos.  Mostly with people, of people, myself, friends, strangers, family, or a lot of partial -grams: feet (hipsters do this alot so I stopped), my mouth, an eyeball, knee caps, etc.  However, most of my photos are with my friends, coworkers, and myself....Ok lets be honest, mostly of myself, because I'm around me all the time.  However, what you see is not always what it may appear to be, I may look like I'm doing great because I'm smiling with friends in a photo with just the right lighting and a great setting, but that is just a photo.  I want to be blunt, because what you may be feeling, is what I may be feeling as well.  Whether that is sad, confused, lonely, in apathetic turmoil, or empty.  Maybe all of the above and then some.  Basically, my revelation was to remind myself and hopefully others, that we all need Jesus.  If I can easily post a photo that is saturated with the impression that my life is good and that everything is going well when it's not, then I should certainly realize that others can too...and with that understanding, remind myself to stop comparing or being envious or feeling sorry for myself, because nothing will be sufficient for me or anyone apart from the only eternal person which is Christ.  Jobs will fade, people will disappoint you, new places will become old places, and money will just be an unending pursuit of things that break down and also fade, but having a relationship with your Creator and Father who loves you, and with that love doing things that matter in life; will build the eternal part of you, your soul.  To set your eyes on what God desires, will change you, shift your perspective and move you toward an unshakeable joy.  It's always difficult in the beginning, and I'm not saying that it will one day be easy, but I do believe that it does get easier, and the more we strive for what's right and good and true, the more we exercise our identity being in Christ, the less we will be slaves to our sin and bad habits.  I believe God knows we will fail.

''All of us have sinned and fallen short of

God's glory. But God treats us much better than we

deserve, and because of Christ Jesus, he freely accepts

us and sets us free from our sins" -Romans 3:23-24)

That beautiful grace catches us, wraps us up and gives us strength and hope to try again, until we see change happen.

I was looking through instagram, at people's photos, smiling faces, happy places, good food, and group shots, but suddenly it occurred to me that most likely than not, these were the faces of desperate people.  People like me who need Jesus more and more.  

I would much rather not say anything because it's uncomfortable and it makes me feel like some hypocritical christian or "religious" person, and because I'm lazy and would rather not think about what's right (because doing what's wrong feeeeels better at first), but thankfully blogging about it isn't as scary bc I get to hide behind a keyboard, (even though I'm sure people I actually see on a weekly basis have access to this blog...which is good, but doesn't feel good haha) I have to write it.  I have a blog, and what I have to say must be from my heart otherwise it's just useless banter.  I'm not really one to just talk for the sake of talking....which can be a good or bad thing, but that's a whole other topic haha. 

I'm writing this from a house that I am nannying at (but the kids are tucked away in bed and sleeping), and it just occurred to me that maybe there's a nanny cam here, so I better not fart or pick my nose, or eat too much of their food.  ....dang it.

-JmeGrey

this and that on Relationships

We are "girls" and "boys".

Relationships take precedence over the majority of things in our lives.  We boil most things down to the connections we make with others, we dress to impress others, we go out to parties or new cities to meet others, we make money in large to do all the above, so from what I gather it seems important to speculate on the structure of relationships.  The health and hazards of relationships depend on how we harness our part of the response to another person.  Failing to evaluate something so important as this seems idiotic to me, and I try not to be an idiot in life, whenever possible.

Types of Relationships:

1.  Friendships
2.  Acquaintances
3.  Lovers
4.  Estranged

       I say "girls" and "boys" not to indicate age but mindset.  We are born with a desire to please ourselves and try our best to get what we want when we want and how we want it.  As we get older not much changes in terms of our mindset, but only in the price range of what we want or the magnitude of how much of something or someone we desire.  Of course, these are my observations and therefore shouldn't be read as factual, but I just want to shed some exposure on how a "girl's" mind thinks since I'm a girl and I am, at best, decently accountable to the thoughts that I process.

       Friendships.

Friendships to me are a lot like marriage without the sex.  That's a very generalized comparison, but my point is that friendships (whether with a girl or boy) are built on trust, time, and vulnerability.  When those three things are present and constantly exchanged, a strong bond is formed that mirrors the unity of marriage and love.

When I tell my friend something I expect them not to share it with others, and so when they do they weaken the trust and thus weaken the friendship.  This is usually remedied with a most sincere apology which is usually paired with tears.

When I or a friend gets busy with life and no longer takes the effort to meet up then time is taken away from our friendship and it weakens the relationship.  This is usually remedied with ...yes, time spent together again, re-igniting the friendship by being in each others' company paired with conversations and laughter.

When someone tells me something that makes their image less clean or nice (ie: that they had or have suicidal thoughts, an eating disorder, depression, etc) thus rendering their present selves vulnerable to me, I am compelled to love them and this strengthens our friendship.

       Acquaintances.

This is the most awkward and un-ideal relationship to have.  It's blurry and undefined, and for someone who is as get-to-the-point as I am, I have a hard time interacting with acquaintances because it's like talking to an uninterested 16 year old.  Responses tend to be short and superficial, in other words they are most likely lying about how they are doing, what they are doing, and even about how good it is to see you.  However, acquaintances, if not prolonged in this state for too long, are precursors to friendship.  So it's likely that your friendships were at one point these terrible acquaintances, and time, effort, and mutual respect led the two of you toward that beautiful thing called friendship.  So, acquaintances are like hurdles, they just get in the way of friendship, but with some effort they can be passed over.

       Lovers.

Ah.  Love.  I should say "Lovers", because most "lovers" today are not lovers in the truest sense, but are more like two selfish people trying to avoid feeling lonely by burdening someone with the task of making them happy; an impossible task to keep up.  Lovers, as intended by the Creator, share this:


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
(1 Cor. 13)

And my other favorite:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"
(Ephesians 5:25)

I suppose since I'm not married the only thing I am sure of are the above as well as the fact that I am called to be someone's helper, so the best I can do now is to seek God with all my heart so that when I do get married I will be better equipped to provide the kind of help he will need in this life.

       Estranged.

This is sad, bad, and should never be the case.  The power of words is this:  

"I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me." 

or

"I forgive you."

 It is never worth it to harbor anger toward someone, even if they deserve it, because it leaves tears on your own heart.

-Jme-Grey

I haven't written here for a very long time. Sorry multitudes. (haha)

      The rain is crying heavily outside my window, veiled by my thin curtain (which could also be used as a luxurious scarf) and hideous plastic blinds.  A nice juxtaposition of pretty and cheap, which is mostly bad, but in times like these priorities are food, friends, and fun times.  Interior decorations may take a stand later down the road when I have a family of my own and Jones's to keep up with...but I am hoping that will never be the case.  Perhaps hideous blinds should ground me as a reminder to be content with the important things; to reiterate: friends, food, and having fun!  Although the right decor, and searching for it, can be quite a fantastic endeavor to share with someone who has a spectacular eye for what looks good.  Am I right or am I right?

      I just heard the squawk of a very angry eagle or hawk through those same crying windows, who have now settled to a soft sobbing.  Weather is a good metaphor for our emotions, hot and sunny one day, then cold and rainy the next without so much of a gradual transition.  I get caught off guard by my "feelings" these days, I put "feelings" in parenthesis because they're so ambiguous and often misleading for what's really going on inside.  They do an H-E-double hockey sticks of a job covering or smothering the deep gnawing truths we are so afraid to confront.  Fear is a terrible feeling when it is ambiguous, like being in a dark room only to discover that it's actually a dark place, much wider than you had anticipated with sounds and objects that have no definite shape or origin that your mind can comprehend.  Confusion mixed with fear is a deadly combination, and yet I find myself naturally wanting to find a corner rather than a light to expose what is confusing me.  I have to muster the boldness and intentionality to find light which I know will take away most of the confusion and thus weakening the fear.  I am weak and much more fragile than I like to admit, but I love a God who knows these attributes about me, and that is immensely comforting.  Like a lover who knows you don't always feel beautiful and thus continues to daily remind you with affection and words of adoration without a trace of sounding tedious or repetitive.  God daily reminds me that He knows I am fragile and prone to be gripped by my confusing fear, and therefore assures me that He loves me when I find traces of light and also, and perhaps more so, when I crawl into a corner to hide.  It is His love that compels me and catalyzes my intentions to continue to find light, because He is in the light.

       Nashville is getting warmer and sweatier.  I have about a month and a half left on my current lease, and it will be time to move.  I have, for so long, wandered around, searching for a place to call home, but after 20 or so years, I think I'm finally discovering that home is nowhere to be found, but rather a state of gratefulness combined with usefulness in efforts that reach beyond my selfish wants.  To volunteer and help the countless people who have lost so much or who are hurting so much, and to be thankful for each day that I can see and speak to friends who shower love and laughter with me.  This is beginning to sound like a cheesy hallmark card or philanthropic speech, but it's about my heart. To face the truth that no matter where I am, or what I have, be it much or little, there is a reason for my life, and that reason always reaches farther than what I think of in my feeble mind.  I am hands and feet and eyes and ears and voice that are instruments for greater things than just myself; I am meant for others to know and experience love and joy.  This is important.  This makes me happy more than anything else I can think of, so the question is why I am so short sighted when it comes to this truth.  Again, I am fragile, and fear projects my greed that says I need to take care of myself or no one else will, but I can't even do that, I've tried taking care of myself and it never pans out as well as when I put my trust in God to take care of me as I do what He asks of me ...for others.  Thank God for grace and new mercy every morning.  So I strive to practice generosity, regardless of my circumstances.  Light is in me, even when it's not around me.

       I would like to visit Alabama and the other surrounding states soon.  Perhaps as a side trip, to get to know the South more.  It's so interesting to see the contrasts and similarities between the West and the South.  People and places help me see more clearly, just how desperate we are for Jesus, though most would not recognize it as that, I see it and hear it the more I see and hear people.

       I feel like this post is so heavy, emotionally, and that just seems unfair to my readers.  Like they expected some light hearted feel-good or humorous entry, and got whammed with this.  So i'll say what I thought the other day at the park.  I was reading while leaning semi-cozily against a pillar of the Parthenon, when after several hours I had neglected to tune into my body and it hit me like a volleyball spiked at my face that I had to pee.  Now, if you know me at all or have spent more than 3 consecutive hours with me and are decently observational, you'll see that I have a propensity for using the restroom.  I don't know if it's OCD or if I just have a really small bladder, but I was making my way from the Parthenon back to my car, in order to drive to the nearest clean bathroom (ie: chipotle or panera), because the port-a-potty's at the park are gross, as most are) when it hit me that if I were born a boy I would not have as much of a problem finding places to pee.  However, instead of wishing I were a boy, I realized I should first wish that I did not have this OCD or small bladder to begin with.  haha.  Ok.  You still got gypped, but my humiliation should count for something because being vulnerable is priceless in this day and age.  :)

-Jme Grey

Nashville's Gay Community and an unrelated note on feelings

       I met my first tranny the other night.  I didn't realize it at first until I commented on how nice "her" dress was, and "she" replied with a much raspier than expected musky tone, which startled me, and my eyes usually give all my emotions away. For example:  O__o (questionable), -_- (unamused),  =__= (tired), *__* (bloodshot), #_# (dead).

       I work with an eclectic mix of beautiful people, and I am so drawn to each of them in a different way, and I want to know more about them, bond with them, share my alienness with them, and just be their friend.

       I'm very interested in learning more as to who my coworkers are, not just who they portray themselves to be.  I don't mean to be some observer analyzing and evaluating, but I mean that I have grown up quite sheltered and it often puts strains on the love I want to so freely share with others.  I want to be delicate with my words and actions, while at the same time stand my ground as what I know is biblically true and pleasing to my Lord.  I pray that when I cannot say the right words, that my love will speak for itself.

---

      I try to not be controlled by my feelings since they often betray truth, so this means I have to restrain my anger when something or someone upsets me, but it also means that I have to know that something is not right even when I don't FEEL it as wrong.