Quick update.

       November 25, one month before Christmas, is everyone's overly excited attempt at milking the holidays for all it's worth.  Red cup sleeves, cheerful slogans, the color RED and sometimes green, sparkles, lights, happy music, and the crazy hands of spenders reaching in front of the crazy eyes of sellers.  I was watching something online the other day, and a commercial about the keurig (coffee maker) came on.  I was in another world, it felt like.  I was watching this commercial feeling really sad and acutely aware of just how comfortable and easy I have it in life.  Strange how the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" rings so true in my life.  I have written before about the misery that creeps up on me when I begin to feel the meaninglessness of my life on days where nothing productive or beneficial gets done.  So most days.  I can distract myself with things like movies, drinks, lunch dates, dinner parties, books, and even writing...but the root of my happiness always seems to lie outside of myself.  Distractions just blind my mind to the ever deep and gnawing desire in me to work for something meaningful.  Work can be a distraction as well.  Anything that focuses on pleasing myself (and only myself, for the most part) is an effective distraction, however, I can find meaning in almost anything when I shift that focus from me to the people around me.  This, however, takes great and repetitive and mindful effort, and I'm quite lazy when it comes to jogging psychologically.  I'm trying out something new now.  I have decided to put myself in situations where control over selfishness is weakened, and selflessness takes on a stronger contingency.  For example, the factors that I take into consideration are the people around me, my environment, and money.  I must put myself with people who I don't know very well (so as not to disappoint them...using a bad habit in a beneficial way) and they should also be people who aim for the same kind of selflessness (so as to give an air of competition, another bad habit of mine strained for better purposes).  My environment should be somewhat difficult so as to increase my efforts for trying to remain comfortable (again, another bad habit of mine reused for an effortful pull towards work).  By comfortable I merely mean that I must need to NEED.  And that needing will only be met by God, because the environment will call for such a strength as I do not possess myself.  My environment should also constrain my control over how I use my time.  In other words there must be some sort of structured schedule that I am to follow, because if I am in control of my time I will likely let the time waste away doing something that is really nothing.  Money.  I must have used money to provide myself with the above...to fuel my natural inclination toward greediness that says I should get my money's worth.  haha.  So pretty much, I am manipulating my bad habits to form good things.  Is that not genius?  And no, I am not joining a cult.  haha.  I'm going to a third world country with a team and we will be serving that area.  I'll be with people I don't know, but who are volunteering to serve, in an environment that will be culturally, climatically, and provisionally difficult, and I'll be paying good money to fly there and also for room and board.  I need them, the people I will be "serving", to serve me by allowing me to serve them.  This is my idea on trial.


       Sorry, I'm so lazy right now I can't even edit this let alone write with some sort of fluidity.  It's a stream of my maddening consciousness.  This is probably why I am not a writer...yet.

cheers,
J

Do's and don'ts

Do your good deeds in secret.

(Matthew 6)

Don't worry.

(Philippians 4)

A Prayer

Lord,

You see me.  I ask for courage, for wisdom and for Your leading.  I am so forgetful, so worrisome, and weak.  I know You see me, and I know Your hand is upon me because every night You meet me in my biggest fears, my most awful regrets, and You wipe away every tear that falls.  I see now how far You've led me to get to this point, and it is evidence that You are molding me as clay in the potters hands.  But Lord, once again I ask for bigger faith, I ask for more strength, I ask for courage, and I confess the sins of today and ask for Your forgiveness.  Thank You for Your grace.  Thank You for speaking words of Life into me, and for lighting every dark thought in my mind.  You see me, and I ask for perseverance.  I know I'm asking for a lot, but I know You have a lot :)  Thank You Jesus for Your comfort, please comfort my friends who are hurting and reach them where they are.  You use our weaknesses to bring You glory, use my weaknesses for Your glory.  Help me to trust in You completely, with everything.  I am here now, and You see me.  You see me.  I am not afraid.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Really Real

       What do you really think.  If you woke up, stretched out your sleeping muscles and allowed the flow of energy to surge through you as you yawned to an early morning, would that suffice?  After you rubbed the tired from your eyes, sauntered to the bathroom and washed up with the sunlight trickling in and the birds singing conversationally outside the partially open window.  You'd make your soft steps over to the kitchen, turn on the coffee pot and grab a few freshly washed and cut fruits from the fridge as you sat down to read the bible with coffee in hand.  Isn't it lovely, you'd say to yourself.  Isn't loving God so glorious, you'd think as you finished the deliciously juicy grapes and pears. Then you'd pray, rinse your coffee mug out, and pull back your hair into a neat ponytail (or if you're me, a high knotted bun).  You'd quickly change into your gym clothes, lace up your sneakers, grab your iPod and put on something upbeat and inspiring as you ran through the park, winds cascading over your face.  An hour or so would fly by, and your heart would be racing, face glowing, and steps determined.  As you walked back into the house your phone would ring, a dear friend on the other line would be calling to get coffee and/or lunch and talk about Jesus.  You'd set up a time, say bye, and hop in the shower.  Now you're singing, because the acoustics in your bathroom are amazing, you feel like you've got a band behind you (or not, since you're naked).  As you got dressed and ready, clothes just right, make-up to a minimal amount but bright, and hair all full and shiny, you'd check the time.  10 minutes left to spare, so you'd wash up the dishes, make your bed, tidy the house (of course there wouldn't be much to clean since you always keep it in good order), and grab your purse and keys and head out the door to a productive day loving Jesus.  Type A? Maybe.  

       Reality check.  Most days you feel wretched when it's too early and you hardly got enough rest.  The bathroom is occupied, you don't own a coffee pot (but you do have instant coffee), and there's major construction work going on right outside your window) which is why you were hardly able to sleep.  The fruit you washed has browned around the edges, but you eat it anyway because the strainer you use to wash fruit is in the dirty dishes pile.  You down your coffee, get into the shower, and quickly do your best to look presentable as you rush out the door still hungry, but very late for work.  On your way to work you realize you forgot your purse, all you have are your keys.  Dilemma.  Do you turn around and risk your employer getting upset, or worse, disappointed in you? Or do you just go, without money, phone, or even your drivers license and hope that you don't get caught speeding, which of course you are because now you really don't want to be late.  Sirens.  Of course.  You make your eyes water hoping the cop will show some pity, but to no avail.  Now you're so late you may as well make up some crap and call in sick, which would be a lie, and lies make you feel terribly guilt-ridden.  You're a hot mess.  Let's just throw in that you're bloated from last nights dinner, and you've got a toothache, which of course brings to mind more money that you don't have needed on getting that checked.  Along with your speeding ticket.  Breathe.  Life gets difficult.  No doubt about that.  

       Real reality check.  The bed you felt so wretched waking up in is a luxury.  There are countless adults, children and people your age that have to sleep on dirty floor or beds that carry all kinds of diseases and bugs.  The fruit you ate is a kings breakfast to a number of families who don't even get to eat, but oftentimes have to watch the faces of their children shrink and become malnourished.  There are millions of people who don't have access to clean water, let alone a single shower with actual soap.  The car you sped to work, that's a rich mans way of transportation.  The ticket you got?  You're fortunate to have police around to keep things in semi-order, saying that the justice system in most other countries (including ours) is corrupted would be an understatement.  You sped, you got what you deserved so your cop is actually a good one.  Bloated?  Toothache?  Please.  People are literally suffering all around you, whether by diseases threatening their very lives or by the incriminating environments they are exposed to.  I did a one minute glance at the bbc world news website and found these articles.

Gang rape in Kenya 

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-24755318

92 bodies (mostly children) found of migrants trying to cross the Sahara

"They are basically economic migrants. They are in search of work. They are so impoverished that they have to make these hazardous journeys,"

Niger is one of the world's poorest countries and frequently suffers from drought and food crises.

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-24753100

(10 year old boy shoots neo nazi dad and is sentenced to 7-10 years of prison)

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-24767061

I mean, come on.  Is this for real?  It sure doesn't feel real, it's just a website, it's just the news, it's so far removed from where we live, it could be fake.  Or it could be real, as we all know it is.  Real as in there are real devastations going on in the world, but your toothache and browned fruits oddly and hauntingly take precedence and make you feel.....entitled to something better.  Something like perfection.  I mean, I just think it's ridiculous how so many of us live like we deserve better.  It's making me nauseous.  I just don't want my life to get wasted on living for myself, because that seems so small and insignificant.  I want to be grateful for everything, and in turn share what God gives me with others.  I want to see a need and fill it instead of allowing the little things in my life upset me.  Ain't nobody got time for dat! 

We all have our convictions, this is just one that's been on my mind lately....and the more I read what Christ did and taught the louder mine gets. 

-j

A Good Tree

this is Katie

       Ever since I've moved to Nashville, I've found that there have been so many little lessons I've learned that have changed me in a big way.  Katie is one of those people that I have met who have really helped me continue walking the road less traveled (a rare attribute among friends).  Hearing me out on the little things, and offering her pearls of insight where I may have been blind-sighted.  I remember being in jr. high and praying to God that he would send me at least one friend whom I could lean on in times of need and struggle, if you know me you know that I went through a horrible experience in the seventh grade.  An experience of rejection, embarrassment, harassment, bullying, and even threatening phone calls from the gangster kids. haha.  The gangster kids who were actually just other korean kids like me, lived in frilly homes and watched Saved by the Bell like me.  It all sounds ridiculous now, but at the time it was all about your reputation, outside of your comfortable home.  School was a world of its own.  Today, those experiences have led me to some of the best people with whom I am daily encouraged by and filled with trust in to protect me.  Not only has Christ answered my prayer, but I have multiple friends who I know I need in order to continue walking on the road toward Heaven.  Their words, their affirmations of love are all guiding lights that help me take each step.  Katie is definitely a fellow light that does not stay hidden under a box, but she shines forth and her light sheds on the path I'm on.

       Every week or so, I text and ask Katie if she wants to get coffee with me.  I plan 7am coffee dates with her at the Starbucks between both our houses.  We do 7am, because Katie has work at 9am and her evenings are spent with nourishing her relationship with her husband and her ministry.  She's a leader at the church we attend, and I first met her when I showed up at one of her home group meetings, which her and her husband hold every other wednesday at their home.  They are amazing.  However, the most incredible part of all of this is the way my relationship with Katie has bloomed.  I never expected to become so close with her, but God knew I needed her.  I guess what I'm trying to say in this post is simply that I am thankful that God knew and blessed me with something I had no idea would be so crucial for me.  The people we surround ourselves with are a huge influence over the people we become through the decisions we make.  You may think that the person you spend so much time with isn't going to affect who you are, especially if that person is a bad influence, or does things you find less than appealing, but sooner or later it'll creep up on you like a dandelion's seed floating up in the air and gently finding a spot on your shoulder.  You don't feel it, you may not even see it, but it's there.  You've got something that wasn't there on you now, and although this metaphor is lame, since one can argue that a mere brush off the shoulder would do the trick, it's as subtle as a dandelion, but as deadly as shrapnel embedded in the flesh.  The point being, it's not obvious, it's gradual and oftentimes unsuspecting.

       However, the same goes for when you surround yourself with people who illuminate the things you strive to work towards.  Things like patience, love, thankfulness, and all those pretty words.  We become susceptible to good things when we surround ourselves with good people, because good trees produce good fruit, and bad trees produce bad fruit.  Katie is a good tree, and her friendship has produced such a beautiful fruit in my life.  I need more good trees in my life, trees that let the light shine on me, provide shade when I am weary and good fruit for when I am hungry.  So how do you find good trees in life?  The answer is simple.  Become sought after.  Become a good tree, hang out with the good trees long enough for you to become one.  Sometimes it will take a lot of effort on your part to stay and spend time with someone who produces good fruit, or maybe those good trees will just come to you out of their goodness, either way, find a good tree and plant yourself near them until you see the fruit of your own tree begin bearing, then the good trees start flocking to you.

       Okay, I have to add and clarify that Jesus is the goodest tree of them all (yes, goodest- haha) and He is who we attain to be like.  Our fruit represents His glory, and we flourish when we give Him everything we are with what we produce.

-J

When it feels like death

It just occurred to me that the moment I begin to let go of control and to trust in God, I had previously described it as feeling like death or that I was going to die, and I realize it's not just a feeling.  Surrender is a death.  

Philippians 1:21

21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

It feels like death, because it is death.  A spiritual death.  But I believe in Jesus whom Death could not hold down.  Perhaps dying is just another step, like tithing and giving food to the hungry, that we do because Christ did it.  His death was literal, but so was His resurrection.  Be it spiritual or physical death, If what you feel in the moment of surrender resonates a kind of death, then I'd say you were on the right track.  

The War is Now

I'm reading "Anything" by Jennie Allen and she writes:

"It should not surprise us if life is hard, especially if we love Jesus.  We are at war-- not in heaven.  And yet it always does surprise us."

I keep finding myself at the front of the battle, seeing the opposition, and cowering back into fear, forgetting that I fight on the side of the Almoghty God.  I keep thinking God is more like a magical genie, or someone to smooth out all the rocky parts in my path so I can clearly step into the place He is leading me, but what if I'm going about this all wrong?  What if it isn't always so black and white, but it's a weed-whacking process to get to where God tells me to go?  Why do I think everything must fall into place for it to be from God?  That sounds so reversed to Matthew 7:14 

"14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Only a few find it.  That seems to mean that obedience to God is something we do with great effort and sacrifice.  It's not just some open door, (although it might be for you) I'm not going to say my convictions have to be your convictions in terms of how God is leading us, since we each have our purposes and unique functions, but I feel compelled that my idea of Gods "voice" has been wrong for quite some time.  And I'm still not quite sure, but I'm certain that the difficulty I feel inside of me when I face the opposition (to my obedience to Christ at a precise moment, usually in the night) is there because this is War, and so long as I am on this earth I can only choose one of two sides.  If I'm not on the side of Light then I am on the side of darkness.  

I can't keep expecting God to make my life easy, but I do.  I expect him to give me a writing career, an amazing husband, 4 kids, the ability to cook, and the motivation to exercise.  Ha.  It's crazy to write that and see how self-glorifying that is.  That's probably why God has not given me those things up until this point; perhaps His love is in showing me that the only thing that matters is that I learn to give Him all the glory first, and with that as the fulcrum I could glean the most pleasure from any blessing He could give me.  

But this is war, and wars are never easy. 

However...

Genesis 50:20 reminds me that

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive."

-J