Prayer about sin.

I hate sin.

Like I really hate it.  

It destroys everything in it's path, and yet disguises itself as pleasure.

Mercy.

Father, please help me.  Please have more mercy on me, and help me see the destructiveness of my ways.  Help me to hate my sin so much that I would turn away from it.  Help me to have authority over my thoughts, and of all that is given to me;  help me to choose to obey.  I don't even want my free will, I want Your will, because my will to choose is weak.  I want to be controlled by You, found in You, identified by your pleasure and delight, and with You, near You, and to be all Yours.  I am still so confused as to how I can feel and see healing in certain areas of my life, and yet fall into similar sins by choice?!  Help me to choose You!  Help me to be brave to face the pain and the terror that I try to smother the moment they begin to taunt me.  Help me keep my eyes on Jesus, his atoning blood on the cross, and grace for the next 5 seconds of faith and belief in You.  Remind me that You are God.  That You love me.  That You are for me.  Help me to be humble so that I can have more grace in my life.  Help me to discern my thoughts well.  Help me to find refuge in you, both in times of peace and in times of unrest.  I don't want to be made of tears and shame or ungratefulness (which is unfeeling and unseeing), but I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit and Life.  I want to see as You see!   Fill me again. And again.  And again. Everyday.  Lord, I am so weak, so rebellious, so prone to turn back to my sin, and so fearful of the darkness, but reveal Your power to me.  Reveal Your promises, Your love, and Your ways to me.  Make me like You, make me holy.  I keep getting distracted by things that are temporary.  Help me see Lord!  Open my blind eyes to the truth!  Silence the confusion in my head, forgive me Father!  Forgive me, for I have sinned against You.  I have sinned and I have been disobedient....doubtful, scared, and bent on self indulgence. Forgive me please, and wash my sins away by the blood of the Lamb. 

I pray all this in Jesus name,

Amen.  

Pass or fail.

Well I've only attended 2 out of my 5 courses and already I'm fried.  I'm a fried egg; poached; cracked and cooked.  

Needless to say, it's overwhelming and too exciting to be back in school, though I have nothing to complain about since there are some elderly folks who haven't been in a classroom for over 35 years! 

My first day was a hot mess.  My second day was better, only because I stopped worrying and freaking out and replaced every uncontrollable situation with laughter.  I feel like such an oddball, floating around disguised as a grad student when really I'm still just me--a weakling.  What do I know?  Well, let me tell you, haha, I know a lot according to my thoughts!  I was judging everyone left and right, "oh he's too emotional", "she's too conservative", "that sounds egotistical", "he doesn't know what's important", "she talks too much", "he dresses way too formal", and the list goes on.  Being critical of others keeps me from genuinely befriending them, and not immersing in the body of Christ is a simple idiocy on my part since I only deprive myself of views of God.  In other words, I get less of God.  My means of self preservation is a deceptive lie that I am praying God will expediently expose thoroughly in my life and produce change.  Selfishness is indeed comforting and protective as a feeling (psychologically), but the results are anything but.  It's a "sense" and nothing more.  Fellowship with other believers, regardless of their strengths and weaknesses, is the real protection and comfort (actuality).  

And though I know I have yet to understand.

All this goes to show that I ended up with a near sobbing breakdown as I realized the workload ahead of me if I wanted perfection (which I did, and which I know is impossible yet still think is possible).  I was thinking about the grade.  I wanted to be the best in my class.  I wanted everyone to think I was smart and insightful, something special and different, but I got a wake up call.  I am going to have to work and study my butt off if I even want to decently pass the class!  But more than that it can't be about the grade...I mean I want to pass, don't get me wrong, but the whole point I'm in theology school is to know God more.  So pass or fail the classes, if I get to know God more then that will be success and grace sufficient for me that I know I could never earn or deserve.  I want to know, but more than that I want to understand.  The only way I'll get through this is by grace to walk and think with freedom mentality.  Free to pass, free to fail. 

I prayed to God recently and repetitively that He would give me a humble heart, and humility to walk in more grace.

To pray for humility is really dangerous...I'm now tangibly realizing.  I mean, the opportunities for true humbleness and humility are very close to home and specific, especially to my preservation of self.  So much so that it is impossible, I think, to even take hold of such an opportunity unless God gives you the grace to do so.  If you think you've seized humility by your own will power then that probably wasn't very humbling.  If you think: "oh man I did that and I obeyed, that was humble of me" you have now contradicted yourself.  I think humility is something we cannot see in ourselves, ever.  (C. S. Lewis wrote that, I think).  It is a gift from God that we can see evidenced in others. 

I'm really tired, and out of it haha.  This will likely be my last post for a while.  I need time to get back into the groove of being a student, and staying diligent with my studies.  If I post, it'll be short and sweet ;)  (yea right).  

Goodnight!

Jmegrey

My one Pearl

Father,

I've lost my way and what lies ahead looks scary and daunting.  Please lead and guide me back toward You. 

"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law."(Psalm 119:18 ESV)

My problem at hand is that I still face anxiety and panic that, if swallowed, leads to temptation to sin.  The temptation is strong when my anxiety is high.  I feel alone and unable to control anything.  I start to fear a rising and culminating lack of control which feeds the fear of an unleash of chaos in my life...or even just the unknown is frightening enough.

The temptation to find a means of FEELING IN CONTROL kicks in.

The anxiety comes, sometimes with panic, always with confusion, and when at it's peak there is much fear. Fear of the unknown.  That is the point when by grace I stop and step back to turn my eyes toward Jesus again, trusting Him by faith to transform my fear into faith.  

To transform me and take away the anxiety, panic and confusion.  There is a slight catch to this "stopping and seeing", and that is the time it will take to do so.  Sometimes it takes only a few seconds, and by an overflow of grace from God you can realize all this inwardly even while among other people, but other times it takes hours to days to months to years in patiently waiting for The Lord to transform you IN HIS TIME.  These longer periods are always scary because they require more faith and a relentless trust whilst standing in the middle of a war of flying arrows and slashing swords.  You feel naked.  These longer periods I believe are an even greater outpouring of God's grace as the transformation and revelations that result run deeper into your heart and memory.  

Whether in a few seconds or in 8 years, God will win.  Both time frames will release power in your life, transforming you into a who God made you to be: perfect.  All by grace.

Your battlefield may take on a different physical appearance than mine, but spiritually we share the same ground with the same Savior who fights for the both of us.  Who fights for all who wait, and by faith trust in Him as you wait.  Waiting is difficult, but don't try to distract yourself while waiting.  Give your frustrations and fears to the indwelling Holy Spirit and ask Him to release you from the present unwanted feelings.  Ask Him to show you how to do so, and ask for understanding in the meantime to sustain you til the time of transformation happens.  Transformation can happen, as it is seen not only in the bible (Paul is transformed, lepers are transformed, the bleeding woman is transformed, and even Mark had to undergo transformation before being reunited with the apostle Paul) but also today, namely in my own life.  I have been transformed in ways I never thought would happen (isn't that how we always feel haha).  But I have tasted a small bite of this transforming power, and it is enough to have me craving for more!  

There are no words I could say that would make this revelation true for you, but this gift of God (transformation) must be had as a first hand experience as you profess to believe in Jesus.

I want to encourage you to see not with your physical eyes, since that will separate you in your mind from all who are actually with you, and look with your spiritual eyes at the war where God is your defender and shield, and where all the saints together are standing in faith through relentless trust with you.  By spiritual eyes I mean simply by reading the Word and having faith in the truth of it's meanings.  Consider it's meaning.  Weigh it with your situation, and pray for grace to have more faith!

Unveil the truth more.

I see now that, by my actions and attitude, I seem to think it's unnecessary to abide in Christ every single day of every single minute.  Clearly the past few weeks have overpowered my rebellion and fears, and brought about rivers of living water like I have never felt before, but I was wrong to think that after two weeks I would start whistling my way through those narrow gates.  What is it in me that is overwhelmed by such a strong urge to "sustain myself" by myself in times when I most need to rely completely on Christ? 

***It's when the memory of an old idol (or several old idols) begins projecting themselves into my mind.  Mind you that when they appear they always try to show their luster more than their ghastly bite.  They elude to peace of mind rather than shame.  My automatic thought is that they are a threat to me, and in that seemingly good thought which begins making me feel afraid I have weakened the power of the cross.  That thought is the same instant that I have turned my eyes away from Jesus.****

And by grace I see again, even more penetrating this time, that I am so weak, but that He is so powerful.  By grace I revert my eyes back to Christ.  Standing there, seeing only myself and the anxiety, I can resist temptation by faith and pray that God will open up my spiritual eyes to glory.  But even if He doesn't, I'll still pray against all that tries to swallow me, and think about the goodness of God.  For in His being I can at least take a hold of hope, the hope that I am His beloved child.  F

All this is built up more by prayer from others as well.

And in Him I find complete rest (even from anxiety).

I have noticed, however, that this daily looking at Jesus will take practice, perhaps it will take until the day I physically die, but for the one who knows the treasure found in Christ will give all one has to pursue it.  

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it. 

(Matthew 13:45-46 ESV)

Jmegrey

Drawing out purpose from the heart

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. (Proverbs 20:5 ESV)

Drawing out my purpose from the well of my heart.

Takes time.

Where to begin?  The process of drawing out water takes prior preparation.  You need a bucket, something to pour the water into, and a plan for the water after it's been drawn.

My bucket is prayer, scripture, and writing.  The bowl for the water is my mind.  The plan is to wash away what is false and water what is true.  

I've had a fever the past two days, and it threw me for a loop spiritually, mentally, and physically!  Let me start by saying...I saw this coming.  The more I began to do (actively) the more I took pride in what I was doing, and pride comes before a downfall.  I don't know exactly where I started to let pride inflate, but the sense of "everything is a grace" had turned into a distant whisper rather than the resounding ringing revelation in my heart.  I made faithless choices in the midst of losing control and I let myself trick myself into being stressed out ...and for what?  All for my image.  To stay as one calm and collected, when really I was fighting to remain "on the wall" as Nehemiah had been.  I had a task, but I let myself down from the wall and away from the task for a brief moment.

I have a few things in mind that I desperately need for God to help me with, and it appears that I become easily distracted.  I had allotted myself some time to just wait and listen to God concerning a giant idol in my life, but with school starting, church events happening, and social gatherings, I lost my footing.  

I'm a fragile person.  

I need to set what is important as my first priority, and all other things must be sacrificed.  

So, once again I will stop myself from being in social functions, and focus on drawing out the purpose in my heart.  I'm already a pretty non-social person, but really being intentional about drawing out truth by prayer, scripture and writing takes specific efforts and specific sacrifices.

Maybe it's different for each person.  Maybe we are sure in different ways.

I just want to be sure that "what" I do is fueled by a very confident "why" I do. 

PS:  I've been thinking about what it means to have "fellowship" and be in a gospel centered community.  The term "fellowship" can be flipped and flopped around to mean anything from getting together over a meal to going bowling; pretty much any social gathering.  Being an introvert, I find it exhausting and stressful to be out with a bunch of people for longer than a couple hours.  I prefer one on one coffee talks, reading by the fire, or watching a movie (which requires silence).  So fellowship has been quite an anomaly for me, but I know it is for my good so I think it's important to figure out more specifically what is biblically beneficial and what is just "for fun".  However, the thought has also occurred to me that perhaps I find fellowship in most cases to be draining because I am trying to protect my image.  Maybe being around people for so long drains me because I am constantly trying to appear put together and "cool"?  Though I find that unlikely, to be honest.  Since I don't think anyone perceives me as that anyway, so maybe I'm just not sure enough yet.  What I mean is, perhaps the weight I give to words and conversations are heavier than others' and so that differing measure clashes with the readiness to speak and listen.  Although I still speak and listen if placed in the situation, mostly so as to avoid an awkward silence or offending the other person, but I find in me a strong preference to be in a place of peaceful quietness.  I have only one friend who shares this decadence with me, and it might sound weird but I thoroughly enjoy just sitting outside or inside with this friend...just sitting and thinking and sharing only what we draw out from the deepest waters of our hearts.  Mostly silent.  I love talking, but I don't like talking all the time.  Does that make sense?  Or maybe I've got my thoughts all wrong and twisted, maybe there's something deeper going on.  Whatever it is, I'm going to take time to draw it out, and hopefully I'll resurface with a refreshing take on fellowship, especially for all my introverted peers out there ;)

I find it important to really grasp what Jesus wanted for us to be like as His disciples.  To love one another is not an external action, but an internal one.  I know that actions of genuine feelings of love are a by product, but real love for another is written in 1 Corinthians 13-

"Love is patient and kind; 

love does not envy or boast; 

it is not arrogant or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; 

it is not irritable or resentful; 

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 

Love bears all things, 

believes all things, 

hopes all things, 

endures all things."

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)

It doesn't say "love hangs out", but real love will eventually free me of insisting on my own way or getting irritable as well.  Although I never "ought" to feel obligated (which I do most of the time I go to social gatherings), I should feel honored to love others the way God loves me.  Perhaps then I will enter into the kind of fellowship Christ designed for His church.  

By grace, Lord help me love others. 

Jmegrey

(Repost) by Paul Tripp

Though the power of sin has been broken, the presence of sin remains. So it’s vital that we remember the deceitfulness of sin. We tend to want to believe that we hold an accurate and reliable view of ourselves. But on this side of glorification that’s not always true, precisely because sin lives in a costume. While counseling pastors, I’ve often been struck with the reality that the man sitting in front of me lacked accurate knowledge of himself. And you can’t grieve what you don’t see, you can’t confess what you haven’t grieved, and you can’t repent of what you haven’t confessed.

Evil doesn’t always look evil, and sin often looks so good—this is part of what makes it so bad. In order for sin to do its evil work, it must present itself as something that is anything but evil. Life in a fallen world is like attending the ultimate masquerade party. An impatient moment of yelling wears the costume of zeal for truth. Lust masquerades as a love for beauty. Gossip lives in the costume of concern and prayer. Craving for power and control wears the mask of biblical leadership. Fear of man gets dressed up as being a peacemaker or having a servant heart. Pride in always being right masquerades as a love for biblical wisdom.

You’ll never understand sin’s sleight of hand until you acknowledge that a significant part of the DNA of sin is deception. As sinners we’re all very committed and gifted self-swindlers. No one is more influential in your life than you are, because you talk to yourself more than anyone else does. What you say to yourself is profoundly important. Your words either aid God’s work of conviction and confession or they assist sin’s system of deception. So it’s important to humbly admit that we’re all too skilled at looking at our own wrong and seeing good. We’re all much better at seeing the sin, weakness, and failure of others than we are our own. We’re all very good at being intolerant in others the very things that we willingly tolerate in ourselves. The bottom line is that sin causes us to not hear or see ourselves with accuracy. And we not only tend to be blind, but, to compound matters, we also tend to be blind to our blindness.

What does all of this mean? Even as you do the work of the ministry, it’s important to remember that accurate self-assessment is the product of grace. Only in the mirror of God’s Word and with the sight-giving help of the Holy Spirit are we able to see ourselves accurately. In those painful moments of accurate self-sight, we may not feel as if we are being loved, but that’s exactly what is happening. God, who loves us enough to sacrifice his Son for our redemption, works so that we’d see ourselves clearly, so that we’d not buy into the delusion of our own righteousness. He gives us a humble sense of personal need so we’ll seek the resources of grace that can only be found in him.

In this way, your painful moments of sight, conviction, grief, and confession are both the saddest and most joyous of moments. It’s sad that we yet need to confess what we must confess. At the same time, accurately seeing and fully acknowledging our sin is a cause for celebration. Only Jesus can open blind eyes. Whenever a sinner accurately assesses his sin, the angels in heaven rejoice, and so should we, even when that sinner is us.

-Taken from Paul Tripp's "Dangerous Calling" series.

Speculators be crampin' my style.

With change comes unfamiliarity, but with transformation comes faith. 

I pray for help to keep my eyes on Jesus when the fear and anxiety of speculation from others comes into my mind.  

Whether or not it is actually there, it's the fear and anxiety I pray to squelch.  

A fear of disappointing.  

A fear of failing.

A fear of tainting my reputation (further)

A fear of looking dumb.

The more my appetite for Jesus alone grows, the more I begin to almost see and taste the speculation of others that I fear.  It's there at almost every corner I make.  Their eyes on me, whether real or imagined, are doing a hell of a job to place me back into fear of man.  Their eyes still matter, especially the eyes of those I love most or who love me most.  Love is an invaluable treasure, so it makes sense to me why that makes it scary to place myself in a hypothetical situation where I disappoint those eyes.  However, it's also a fear of just looking dumb on my part.  In general.  I have this deep ingrained desire to be liked and loved, admired and viewed as beautiful and intelligent.  The desires I have are often all about me, meaning they have little to nothing to do with glorifying God.  Even speculation of others makes me scared that I will be a bad representation of Jesus, as if Jesus needed defending.  -__-  if I'm to believe He is God then there's no chance that my life will ever take even an ounce of His glory away.  That sugar coated concern is all about me.  I want to look good even in representing Jesus, but to be honest...I can't even do that well!  I need Jesus, because I need Jesus...not because I need to live a life more representative of Him...that is secondary to the primary need...which is my utter incapability to do anything good apart from Him. The moment it is about me is the same moment I fail.  

Although not as much, speculation still scares me.  

What are they thinking about me?  What are they noticing?  Are they skeptical?  And then I even think that some are probably just watching and waiting to see me fail, the more epic my fall the greater their amusement....and that kills me.  Kills me.  Well, let it kill me then, so that I might be resurrected with Him.  I don't like this me anyway.  The me that is so scared of speculation and concerned with my self so much.  Even now I am getting sick of hearing all this about me.  

Jesus is Lord.  Even those words feel so awkward and almost embarrassing to say, and that is something I wonder about.  Perhaps it is a mixture of wanting to be more emphatically precise in the message that Jesus is Lord with the hunched shoulders of knowing that He is not a popular figure to be given that much attention and devotion.  At least not in this culture where balance and quelling our immediate appetites are so strong.  

Jesus to me means understanding that I can be free from all fears, including that of speculation.  Which in itself is such an odd...confession.  I think about my faith and what Is currently potentially holding me back from further knowing God and walking out my faith in my life and the answer is simply: speculation.  (Though I'm certain many more will rear their ugly heads down the line, but what use to dwell on what is not even there yet?  I think about what I need to think about now.)

Perhaps because I have failed so many times in life, my logic tells me I will probably fail again.  My spirit even tells me I will never be perfect until I am sinless...in other words until I am with God in heaven.

The two may first appear to be giving me the same message, however one is completely devoid of hope, while the latter is in an ocean of deep and wide beautiful hope.

So knowing I will fail becomes just fine, in fact, not just fine but freeing...and then elating because the more I fail the more He gets involved in my life.  And that is my goal at the end, to have Him.  

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

-Matthew 5:6

Be satisfied.  

I like looking at the different words and meanings of one word, as well as their antonyms:

Satisfied -

adjective: content

appeased

certain

compensated

contented

convinced

filled

fulfilled

gratified

happy

paid

positive

quenched

requited

sated

satiated

supplied

verb: please, content

amuse

animate

appease

assuage

befriend

brighten up

captivate

capture

cheer

cloy

comfort

conciliate

delight

do the trick

elate

enliven

entertain

enthrall

exhilarate

fascinate

fill

fill the bill

Antonyms (opposite words of "satisfied", and what you leave behind when you hunger and thirst for Jesus:

anger

disappoint

discontent

dissatisfy

upset

dissuade

fail

frustrate

I don't know the Hebrew or Greek word used in the bible for that word, but "satisfied" could only go in so many directions.  One cannot really dilute a word like "satsified".  It's like diluting a word like "everything".  Everything can never mean much outside of...EVERYTHING. 

I want to encourage all believers to understand who Jesus is, and that in Him there is no fear, only freedom from all that encumbers us from joy in life.  It takes desire and faith on your part, but MOST of all it takes grace from God.  The bible gives us the way to such grace too!  

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but GIVES GRACE to the HUMBLE.” 

-James 4:6 ESV

Speculation may scare me (I mean I can't be more expressive about the kind of thoughts that compound to make this such a giant, but one more fear is that I may one day fall away from my faith and all this will have been my biggest folly, I will look like such a fool!  I think what if I fall away?  What if something entices me more than God's love---which feels impossible right now, but I tend to think of every angle.  But the more I thirst for God the more I see speculation, from others and even myself, of my ability to keep running...)

Which I just read last night is impossible <--- another word like "satisfied" and "everything".  Impossible.  

Hebrews states the impossibility of one who is saved to ever fall away and be saved again, in other words it's a situation that would never happen.  Therefore once you are saved, you are always saved.

For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. 

-Hebrews 6:4-6 ESV

It is Impossible to fall away.

Speculation--it might even make me stumble a few times, but it is nothing that Jesus cannot use for my good.  To teach me humility, to give more grace.  

I'm still learning, and I'm probably making mistakes in what I say, but if nothing makes sense and I can only say one thing it would be to thirst and hunger for Him, so much so that nothing <----another one--stands in your way...not even speculation.  ;)

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be SATISFIED."

-Matthew 5:6

You can't be satisfied while being dissatisfied.

What do you think?

-jmegrey 

My critics (in my head, haha) might argue that satisfaction can come in another way.  And to that I say "it can!"  So go be satisfied by something else temporarily, but only Jesus satisfies eternally.  

Adventures of a Weakling!

I love this verse.  I love that in my weakness God's power is made perfect.  Why?  I mean, I am quite obsessed and intoxicated by this truth, because I am so weak!  I am so unbelievably weak!  I don't even know how to put into words just how weak I am, but the sheer fact that Christ said His power is made perfect in weakness makes this verse intoxicating.  That's how weak I am.  Haha.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

-2 Corinthians 12:9

As I go about my day I notice all the little microscopic areas of my life that I forget about God, and in those moments I am taking life as a solo act, an individual...therefore I only have my resources to pull from, which, when bad things happen, are mostly anger, selfishness, greed, jealousy, fear, and the like; all SIN.  

It is in those moments that I realize I am forgetting that the Holy Spirit dwells in me;  that He was and is right there in the space I stand in as I was doling out anger or frustration.  I forget in either of two ways: intentionally or unintentionally.

Regardless He is there--not just with me, but inside of me as my heart begins beating with whatever intentions and motives that often undermine God's authority and love for me.

When I am reminded by the Holy Spirit that He is there, I am simultaneously reminded of His power and His perfection for this very situation.  I am reminded that I am free to relax and let God's power perfect me.  I am free to continue forward in His righteousness through a sheer act of faith, unable to see, yet believing that God is God even (and especially) in this situation.  And that one step of obedience through faith....that-- that step moves mountains.  

For me, personally, as I get to know God more and become more confident in who He is, through obedience, I have noticed a very sensitive area for me--  It is the fear of disappointing others.  And it also has to do with understanding just how weak I am.  The more I see my glorious weakness as Christ's perfection, the more I also see the very high possibility for disappointing others in the cases that I forget God is there-- which is pretty often.

However, that's another reason I love this verse!  I know that I become  blunderingly weak in moments where I see myself as a disappointment to others or myself.  I mean, weak as a 3 year old arm wrestling with an NFL linebacker.  Weak as putty.  And recognizing that helps me stay more aware that it is simultaneously in those moments that God's power is amplified should I choose to relax in those moments, and let Him perfect His power.  That's my biggest stage for Him at the moment.  When I become fearful of disappointing others or myself then I know it's showtime, the grand entrance, the climax, the miraculous, the adventure in believing in God!

He's with me now,

Jmegrey

PS: it usually looks like a big acquisition  for a little tiny person.  

(For lack of a photographer/drawer, here's my "weak" rendition.)

(By Sharon Im- lasso on moon) 

Thanks!