Honestly, Psalm 51

“Be gracious to me, God, 

according to Your faithful love; 

according to Your abundant compassion, 

(Not my faithfulness or my compassion or my efforts, because the truth slays me as inadequate!) 

blot out my rebellion. 

(The truth in me is rebellion exposed.)

Wash away my guilt 

and cleanse me from my sin. 

(I see it, I hate it, and I need You to cleanse me from it because I cannot!)

For I am conscious of my rebellion, 

and my sin is always before me. 

(The more I pursue truth the more I am slain by my weakness and inadequacy to change myself)

Against You — You alone — I have sinned 

and done this evil in Your sight. 

(The worst part of sinning is to know that it is against You alone that I act, do, or think in such a way that hurts You) 

---- quick thought tangent----

Can we hurt God?  First we must define what we mean by "hurt" and if by "hurt" we mean to take God's love for granted by not reciprocating it, such as when a lover tells their love "I love you" only to be left hearing back "I do not love you" then yes, in that sense we can "hurt" God.  But if we mean "hurt" as in cause another the pain of offense in malice, the way a man might rob another man and stab him in the process, then even that--even if by "hurting God" we mean to offend Him with the pain of offense in malice, we are up against someone who is not helpless to defend Himself.  God is not a mere man to be robbed and unable to have His way.  However, neither is God a mere man that anyone could rob Him in the first place, so this definition of "hurt" is an illusion, a lie.  The only way to "hurt" God is to reject His love.  And it is a great mystery to know what the Father felt when He loved us and sent His Son to die in order for us to know that love.  The heart of God is a deep mystery that reveals more layers of that great love.  

----

So You are right when You pass sentence; 

You are blameless when You judge. 

(The truth does slay me, because I deserve every bad circumstance or happening when confronted by the truth.)

Indeed, I was guilty when I was born; 

I was sinful when my mother conceived me. 

(More so, sin in me came from birth because of humanity's origin at the fall.  I come from a fallen humanity, and that is the truth.  Which means from birth I knew only to reject God's love, and needed Him to rescue me with nothing on my part that could be done.  Sheer grace.) 

Surely You desire integrity in the inner self, 

and You teach me wisdom deep within. 

(This truth that slays is the truth that heals and frees me within.  I am nothing without God who gives me everything good, the integrity I long to possess--these changes I now want after the truth reveals how ugly my integrity really is, are changes He gives in His time, teaching me wisdom that reveals my utmost dependence on Him in this every way, and how much He loves me when they do happen at the right time.)

Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean; 

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 

(These are all actions done to me while I am the passive recipient, sheer grace.) 

Let me hear joy and gladness; 

let the bones You have crushed rejoice. 

(We sin, and it is God who crushes the inside of our consciences as a blessing to make us hate sin.  This crushed feeling then becomes a joy and a gladness because I want sin to be gone!  That desire for sin to be gone is a good thing and only God can give good things--so even the desire for good is a grace!) 

Turn Your face away from my sins 

and blot out all my guilt. 

(Again, the truth slays us with shame and guilt, a feeling no one really likes, but to have the wisdom of knowing God is to know that it is God who has blot our sins out by His blood.) 

God, create a clean heart for me 

and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

(The Creator alone can create, even a new heart and a renewed steadfastness of our spirit, sheer grace, since we are powerless to do any of those two things ourselves.) 

Do not banish me from Your presence 

or take Your Holy Spirit from me. 

(If we feel God to be far or that His spirit is not with us, it is again only God who will or will not make that happen.  We can only hope and pray and ask that He does not, but we have no control if He does or if He does not!  This is so glorious!  Because it bows me back on my knees to verse 1 of this psalm: 

"Be gracious to me, God, 

according to Your faithful love; 

according to Your abundant compassion"

When you know the faithful love of God, the abundant compassion, and the sheer powerful grace of God...this becomes an anchor for the certainty that the hope and prayer and asking of God to not leave me of His choice based on His attributes...and not based on me, is glorious!) 

Restore the joy of Your salvation to me, 

and give me a willing spirit.

(To not be will-less or willful, but willing.  It is God's wisdom to reveal to us what it means to be will-less and what it looks like to be willful, in order to know how to be willing.) 

Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways, 

and sinners will return to You. 

Save me from the guilt of bloodshed, 

God, the God of my salvation, 

and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness. 

(We must first be in the truth of all of this before we can do anything.  We must first be in Him, as John 15:5 says, remain in me and I will remain in you, for apart from me you can do nothing.  I teach the Youth kids at my church every Sunday and Friday, and I can only do that well when I realize I can do nothing unless God allows it.  Only then can I begin to speak and sing of His righteousness in honesty.  The same reaches every other "task" in my life, my schooling, my relationships with friends, parents, and teachers, they are all only going to go as far as God wills, and in that I rejoice knowing it is Him and not me because the truth that slays me is the truth that sets me free.  Meaning I might see a mess up or feel fear or anger or sadness about something, but God's ways are higher and I again just let the truth (all the above) wash me clean.  He is doing something and I am just in His will enjoying the life of being loved by Him.) 

Lord, open my lips, 

and my mouth will declare Your praise. 

(When you know this in the deepest anchored part of your heart...you will not be able to be silent.  We are commanded to love, but the command to love is impossible, love cannot be articulately created in our hearts by us, this command reveals the inadequacy of the law as it pertains to our command to love.  We love because God loves us.  That's it.  Not because we do this or act like this.  When you fear how to love others you are basically under the assumption that you are commanded to love by Law, and you will soon find how impossible that is the more you learn what real love from the heart is.  Love needs no command.  You need not command me to drink coffee or take a nap or eat something vegan.  I love those things, and because I love them I don't need to be commanded about them.*

*I heard this from J.D. Greear which helped me see the truth of scripture more clearly.  I love Godly people that make the truth so beautifully understood.  It makes sense!) 

You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it; 

You are not pleased with a burnt offering. 

(Again, these are all outward actions without inward intentions.  God doesn't want your doing stuff, He wants your heart.  He wants you to believe and know how deep His love is, and usually that means we are first exposed to our fierce resistance of His love in our lives.  Resistance when we don't trust Him in a circumstance that appears too difficult, resistance when we reject our worth and value in Him by trying to be valuable in something else, resistance to His power to resurrect and give us new life  when we are scared to die from humiliation or discomfort or uncontrolled areas.  We resist and resist and resist, but He loves us still!  He wants us to resist the bad things so that we will get the good things, that's love.). 

The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.

 God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart. 

(The only thing we have to offer God is a broken spirit.  The truth that slays us is the truth that breaks us inside and frees us to be the pleasing sacrifice to God.  If our goal is to please God then our every day is to be slain by the truth which means to live with a broken spirit...constantly.  Now that might sound depressing and bad because who wants to walk around with a crushed and broken heart?  The pain of such is known to have brought people to suicide, but this "broken heart" is not the same as a broken heart that broke because of an imperfect love.  Imperfect loves like beauty (being crushed when you get ugly and old), status (being crushed when you're no longer the head honcho or respected), relationships (being crushed when a friend or lover leaves you), marriages (being crushed by infidelity or the death of your spouse), children (being crushed when they self-destruct themselves or die), jobs (being crushed at getting fired or losing a promotion or not getting the one you wanted), money (being crushed when it runs out or when you need it for something), reputation (being crushed when you fail to succeed and are reputed as a mess up or when you are humiliated by your mistakes and loss of your once esteemed reputation), accomplishments (being crushed when someone else gets what you wanted or does better than you), these are all destined to break your heart too if you love them as much as you are meant to love God.  

But a crushed and broken spirit that happens because of how we reject and resist God's love is not the same.  This broken heart is beautiful because it loves and believes in God.  It proves, by action and disposition, the power of God's love as real and evident and lasting--which none of those other loves that crushed you before could ever be.  I am crushed and my heart is broken, but it is broken in the way I can honestly and actually offer it to God as a pleasing sacrifice to His love for me.  In this case, unlike the others, my broken heart is broken because I get what I desire, while disordered loves break my heart from not getting what I desire.)

In Your good pleasure, cause Zion to prosper; 

build the walls of Jerusalem. 

Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices, 

whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on Your altar.”

-Psalms 51:1-19

When God is the cause and reason and purpose and source and motivation and desire and willpower and director and captain and planter and grower and grace giver and lover and breaker and take away-er and everything....when He is pretty much God, that's when we start living life to the fullest!  We are created by God, for God, and exist to glorify God alone.  All other lives will be a lie.  But the truth that slays you will be the truth that sets you free to live. 

“Because they disregarded the righteousness from God and attempted to establish their own righteousness, they have not submitted themselves to God’s righteousness.”

Romans 10:3

Only one of us can be right in the truth.  I am wrong You are right, so lead me with my broken heart.  

“If you confess with your mouth, 

“Jesus is Lord,” 

and believe in your heart 

that God raised Him from the dead, 

you will be saved. 

One believes with the heart, resulting in righteousness, and one confesses with the mouth, resulting in salvation.

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

-Romans 10:9-10, 13

Call on Jesus today and you will be saved!  So simple.  That's it.  Two things: You call outwardly + believe inwardly. It is the believing part that most of us will have trouble with.  And that is my point of going through psalm 51.  The beauty of the truth that slays us, our unbelief and powerlessness, is the truth that frees us. It HAS TO BE GOD.  Haha so knowing what kind of person God is helps us believe, and experiencing those laws in our lives like serving and praying (all the spiritual disciplines) are not to be disordered in their functions.  Those things were never meant to save you, and they certainly will not since they are not what Romans 10 define as the two things that do (calling and believing) they were meant to help you know what kind of God you are calling upon to believe in your heart.  The reason I serve or pray or resist sins are not to be saved, but to be helped by God as the sinner in Mark 9:24 cried out: "I believe, but help my unbelief!"

Honestly, the hardest people to love will be the ones you can't seem to live without.  The hardest humans to love for me are my parents and brother and sister in law.  Think about why that makes sense, and then realize why it's so hard for you and I to love God.  And THEN, how glorious it is that God does not love us because of how we love Him (which is badly) but He loves us because He loves us.  Period.  

Because God is this kind of God.

“He said, “I will cause all My goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim the name Yahweh before you. 

I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.””

-Exodus 33:19

Honestly, 

Jmegrey 

Come to the Lord

“Come, everyone who is thirsty, 

come to the waters; 

and you without money, 

come, buy, and eat! 

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost! 

Why do you spend money on what is not food, and your wages on what does not satisfy? 

Listen carefully to Me, 

and eat what is good, 

and you will enjoy the choicest of foods. 

Pay attention and come to Me; 

listen, so that you will live. 

I will make an everlasting covenant with you, the promises assured to David. 

Since I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander for the peoples, so you will summon a nation you do not know, and nations who do not know you will run to you. 

For the Lord your God, even the Holy One of Israel, has glorified you.” 

Seek the Lord while He may be found; call to Him while He is near. 

Let the wicked one abandon his way 

and the sinful one his thoughts; 

let him return to the Lord, 

so He may have compassion on him, 

and to our God, 

for He will freely forgive. 

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.” 

This is the Lord’s declaration. 

“For as heaven is higher than earth, 

so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. 

For just as rain and snow fall from heaven and do not return there without saturating the earth and making it germinate and sprout, and providing seed to sow and food to eat, 

so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do.” 

You will indeed go out with joy 

and be peacefully guided; 

the mountains and the hills 

will break into singing before you, 

and all the trees of the field 

will clap their hands. 

Instead of the thornbush, 

a cypress will come up, 

and instead of the brier, 

a myrtle will come up; 

it will make a name for Yahweh 

as an everlasting sign 

that will not be destroyed.”

Isaiah 55:1-13

That's my jam. 

Jmegrey 

About Anger

This is a very very new and sensitive subject for me.  The subject of anger. 

I teach the youth kids at my dad's church every Friday and Sunday.  And this past Friday I was once again rescued by them.  I know it makes me sound humble and what not, and saying that only makes it sound more so, and I could continue ripping myself to shreds, but whatever.  I had the Youth write down some thoughts they had in response to a paper I gave them with questions on it, and one of them in particular wrote back with such vulnerable and brave honesty that it stirred in me all night.  I wanted to give love and hope to this student so much that I started crying because the burden to do so felt too much for me to handle.  I had to give it to God.  This is the product of that one student's honesty given to me, and I am thankful for each and every one of them that blesses me.  I learn something so profoundly impacting and life-giving by being with them, with my Youth students :) 

(Honestly, at times they are not so cute, but when they are...it's game over haha) 

I hope for myself and for you all to be washed in the truth of this area.  It is an area that has kept me in chains to my sinful habits, and it is still the area that I have the most trouble in understanding....but I have hope that God is doing something for us as we pursue truth together about it.

"This hope will not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

-Romans 5:5

Discussion questions*

How do you handle anger? 

I don't, anger is very confusing to me. 

How was anger expressed in your family when you were growing up? 

Growing up I would describe the expressions of anger as:

Bad

Prohibited 

Suppressed

Isolated 

Disappointment 

Scary

Unloved 

Condescending 

Hit

Yelling

Quieted 

Ignored

Festering 

Unvoiced

What words or phrases would you use to describe it? 

I was left feeling unloved and belittled when my parents got angry with me.  Jamie broke this, jamie wasted money on this, jamie doesn't listen, jamie doesn't care about others, jamie did it wrong and now look what happened, jamie can't finish what she started, jamie did this badly, jamie disappointed mom and dad, jamie doesn't love mom and dad (passive aggressive anger), jamie can't do it, jamie shouldn't do it. 

Recalling these emotions hurts a lot, but no wonder I'm confused about anger.  It hurt to have experienced anger in this way, but that does not mean this is the right way to express anger.  I can learn from this experience how to be angry under submission to God's will.  I cannot blame my parents or my teachers or my brother or my friends or anyone else for that matter, because I believe the word of God that everything has happened as God has ordained it for my good.  Meaning God allowed me to experience anger in this way for a reason that was for my good.  Which God revealed to me at the end of writing this. 

What happened when your parents were angry? 

I felt the above.  As for anger toward one another, I was never really exposed to my parents fighting.  Which, come to think of it is a bit odd since everyone is bound to have fights, but due to a lack of exposure to fighting I now understand a little bit of why I am so unsure about confrontation that may first appear as fighting.  Not that fighting is a good or bad thing, but that anger that may cause fighting is our responsible human emotion to submit to God to resolve.   It could mean fighting to resolve in order to bring God honor, not fighting for the sake of getting one's own way.  How strange it is to think like this....I always assumed fighting was bad, and I had learned to belittle it when I saw others doing it.  I need God for this.  I need the answers from God for this.  I need to learn how to be angry in a manner that glorifies God.  

(If my parents are reading this I hope you don't think I blame you or that you are to blame ...see how I am already so scared to confront the matter honestly!  I love my parents because God gave them to me to love, and I put my hope in that joy set before me.) 

How did you express anger toward a sibling? 

Your parents? 

Through rebellion at first, then when that wasn't enough I added isolation, then when that wasn't enough -added to it- self-resentment, reinforcing more resentment and bitterness towards them, and then eventually when none of that helped but only increased the pain I felt--not dissolving my anger (which at some point I just took in as pain)--I just began searching for ways to numb myself to it.  That was all I could do at the time, because that was all I knew.  I didn't know how to handle anger, because every time I tried it didn't work.  So the closest thing to handling the pain of anger was the pursuit of distractions and numbing techniques.  I became a master at distractions and numbing my self to pain.  ....but even that eventually wore out, every technique and distraction eventually faded and it was a mad dash for whatever else I could do to get my next fix.  Sometimes even crying became an addiction that wore off.  I needed something that lasted, but when I couldn't find it I settled for what I could find.  I expressed anger through temporary fixes.  

As you watched anger expressed in your home, what decisions did you make about it? 

I watched it and decided it was bad.  I had to avoid it at all costs because it was only painful.  Making my parents angry was the last thing on earth I wanted to do.  Subsequently, making people angry was the last thing I wanted.  I would do anything, even harm myself, if it meant saving myself from the pain of anger.  Which is ironic, I did whatever I could to preserve myself from the pain of anger, even if the means of preserving was actually what would end up killing me.

What happens to your body when you are around angry people? 

Physical discomfort, even the thought or slightest increase in possibility for anger to erupt causes me physical discomfort.  My body feels tense, my stomach feels bloated or pressurized, and my limbs feel very raw and sensitive.  My eyes hurt too.  They twitch or my mouth quivers.  My ears start to plug or ring.  Breathing becomes a chore when I'm around angry people.  I start to feel faint. Hence it is reasonable from such that I do not like anger.  I don't like feeling those things in my body! 

When you are angry now as an adult, how do you express it?

Through bad habits and with much confusion.  With resentment, weakness, and 

going to God for answers.  

All my life was and is being designed by God to bring me to a place where I went and go to God alone for the answers.  Hallelujah. Haha.  

We all have different experiences, but everyone's experience is a gift from God if you believe in Him.  You just need to seek out the truth. 

---

I don't know what your parents can do or should do to walk in this area in a way that brings honor to God, because I don't teach them on Sunday's and Fridays.  I was given the position of Youth teacher not adults teacher.  So what I say is for you students alone.  The rest is not our business until God makes it one.  

But let's consider what we do have.  And we have a heart that hurts.  We have an understanding of wanting things to be made better.  We have voices, we have some time, and we have each other.  This is where each of our individual gifts become so crucial.  Our testimonies become encouraging proofs that help each other become more brave or trusting.  Our forgiveness and our words with one another become a way for us to breathe again.  Our ideas, our failures, our successes, our strengths and our weaknesses, everything that makes up you are what will make up our wholeness in getting God.  

We need each other because we need help.  Some of you will continue going at it alone, trying to get God alone for reasons beyond my control, but some of you will open up your heart to the scary life of vulnerability and honesty in needing each other by taking risks of looking dumb or being wrong or failing because I have hope that this will happen.  I only have hope, not a guarantee, but hope.  And God says that hope will not disappoint us.

"This hope will not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

-Romans 5:5

Let's walk in honesty before a good God, with the hope in our hearts, for the joy set before us! 

Maybe that means telling your parents what you really think or how you really feel.  I know I can't do that well, so I don't expect anyone to do it either.  But maybe some of you can and I'll be encouraged by your step of faith whether you mess up and have to apologize or if things go smoothly and anger is dissolved.  The outcome of anger dissolved is only in God's timing, so it's not why we take action.  It will be your step of faith and humility that will grow for you and consequently for us.  

Or maybe it means asking someone else how they are feeling about the pressures of trying to make their parents proud, because we all know how heavy that can be.  We can help carry one another's loads, even if it bruises or breaks us along the way (when it feels like we failed or made a mistake at doing or trying something).  We can still live fearless and brave because we have hope.  And we have faith that whatever we do God first willed for us to do so.  And we trust in His sovereign all-knowing, all-controlling and all-perfect wisdom of the past, present and future. 

Today, students and friends, you are in God's perfect plan.  Go ahead.  Make a mistake, but do so only if your hope is anchored in the truth that sets us free.  Be honest with one another.  Forgiving one another. 

"Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices"

-Colossians 3:9

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

-Ephesians 4:32 

Jmegrey 

*Questions used for discussion originally found in the book "I Quit" by Geri Scazzero

Helpful Excerpt from the book:

"I had no idea anger could be used in a healthy way to assert oneself and to serve others. I also didn’t realize I had a responsibility before God to process my anger, to think about it and respond appropriately. When I finally quit the lie that good Christians don’t get angry, I walked through a door that changed my life. 

A word to those who have difficulty knowing when they’re angry: you will want to watch your body closely. It will often reveal to you what is going on before your brain catches up. You may find your heart pumping faster, your pulse rate going up, or your neck, stomach, shoulders, and back tightening. You may lose your appetite, become irritable, get tension headaches, or experience insomnia."

....haha I think I might be angry right now.  So God, reveal Your mysteries to me, please :)  

In hope and for joy-- because I already have the goal, 

Jmegrey

Why we hate grace

My thoughts last night as I lay emotionally overwhelmed. 

How to help the hurting

How to live each day with what I am given, and with my limitations as a human being

How to care for the wounded soul

How to hold a high schooler in value and worth

How to pursue a high schooler in love 

How to talk to a high schooler about addictions 

How to be healed of my own addictions while talking to high schoolers about theirs 

How to be wounded and still want to help them

How to love the high schoolers with my brokenness

How to pray and ask God for help 

How to be bold about the gospel 

How to declare the gospel as beautiful 

How to declare God to the high schoolers 

---

This is heavy, and this is hard to handle every time I think about it.  The more the youth group, which I work with at my church, opens up to me the more I feel responsible to help them, save them, love them, heal them, pursue them somehow because that's what Christ did for me. But something strange always happens...my intentions of good become rotten in my bones because I start to feel scared, overwhelmed and incapable of taking on such a huge load.  My mind begins to race at all the ways I could do what I think I needed to do to help them get God, and those ways are the things that become so heavy.  I am flattened by my humanness, by my limitations, my fears and my insecurities.  Until God constantly washes me again and again in the truth of Isaiah 55:11

“so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do.””

And when those words really sink in, I can breathe again!  I can breathe until I forget those words the very next moment when I start to think "I can do--" or " I can try that to help so and so by--" and "how about I try to help my self get better with more of this or less of that" and then fear threatens me with failure, and all over again I break apart at the heaviness and God reminds me that it is His word from His Mouth that will not return to Him empty, and will accomplish what He wants because He had sent "it"-- in other words, I can't stop God from being glorified or getting what He wanted done!  Yet that is what I am unknowingly implying when I begin to carry the heaviness of helping the high school students and myself.  God will have His way because it says right there!  He said there in Isaiah that His will never returns to Him empty, but always gets done.  Absolutely, no doubt about it, sealed and secure.  

(Assuming you are at the point of at least admitting that you want to believe God is good, that He loves you and is real.  If these 3 things are not yet established in some big or small way in your heart then the rest of this will not mean much to you.) 

So why am I worrying about helping the kids or helping myself?  If God wants this or that to happen then God will get what He wants done regardless of my involvement.  God always gets His way because He is God.  He is in control, He is in charge of anything considered created by His creating hands, and His ways are perfect and absolutely fail proof.  His methods or processes may seem hard to understand, but the moment you question that is the moment you think you know how God should do it.  You think your way is better than God's way.  Or, if you're like me, you think your responsible for helping God get His work done.  It's self-righteousness cloaked in false humility.  

I rest in that truth, that God will have His way no matter what.  I just need Him.  That's it.  If I do this or that or try helping the high schoolers with this idea or helping myself with that idea...then no matter what I do, God will have His way, so as long as I have God, I have what I want for the methods and processes I am going through.  

It's a bit strange to have the final goal or the final reward before having worked for it.  Actually it's extremely weird and questionable...because it doesn't make sense in a culture where you must always go through a process of some sort to get what you have.  You earn money, you develop good relationships, you work off your last 10 pounds, you climb the corporate ladder, you run to get the prize at the finish line, and you try to help people that you feel a desire to help.

But what happens when you have the final reward for every one of those efforts before you begin putting forth the effort?  Or even more astonishing to consider is what happens when someone else put forth all the effort for you?  

I heard a story the other day about a psychology professor who took a group of his students for a hike and gave each of them a load of 75 pounds worth of weights in a backpack to carry uphill.  A week or so prior to beginning the hike he had assigned each of them to read a book before going on the hike.  As a group of college students he was aware of the probability that some would complete the assignment while others would not.  As the day approached to go on the hike, each student picked up their 75 pound pack and with varying degrees of determination they began the ascent.  Struggling to stay together, they sweated and continued to follow the professor uphill.  Halfway up the trail the professor stopped everyone and asked the group how many of them had finished the assignment of reading the book.  Not knowing the reason for his inquiry other than to make note, about half the group raised their hands in confidence while the other half did not in honesty.  So the professor told everyone to drop their packs, and gave instructions for the students who had done the assignment to each pick up a pack of their fellow students who had not.  This meant that they now were to carry 150 pounds the rest of the way up while the students who did not complete their assignment carried nothing.  So who was more angry about this turn of events?  What the professor found was that the students carrying nothing were much more angry, indignant and upset at this because they were giving their burden to someone else and it was embarrassing and humiliating.  

Oh how we hate grace.  We say and talk and profess to believe that Jesus paid it all, but then we turn around...I turn around and start to pull my burdens off of His cross and take the load of carrying my cross because, I mean, the bible says we must take up our cross and follow Him, doesn't it?  So I'll handle my life and it's outcomes, all the crap in it, I'll deal with it on my own, thank you very much.  No one needs to be burdened by my needs or my desires or my problems.  No, no, no, that won't be necessary, I can carry my own pack up the mountain, because that's what Jesus did for me, so I hear everything He does is RIGHT, so I'll do that too.  I don't want to burden God.  I want Him and all the heavenly hosts to like me, to see me and say "wow, look at Jamie, she's doing her part, she is being faithful."  Because after all the bible says that at the end of time we want to hear God say, "well done, good and faithful one."  Right?  Right?!  Am I right??  I'm not wrong, right?   Am I right?  

Breathe.  

Take a knee.  And submit to God because He carried your pack up the mountain and it was so heavy that He died because of it.  

You and I killed Jesus with our pack of burdens, problems, and sins.  Is that offensive to you?  Or is it the most life saving love you have ever experienced?  Because not only did we kill Jesus, but He chose to carry our packs all the way up until death, and then He resurrected into New life.  This was the joy set before Him!  To show us the new life in Him.  So that we wouldn't have to carry our own packs on our own backs in this life.  That we have this new life in Him now that He carried our packs to the finish line and we just be thankful and run to Him with the love He first showed us.  

This means that every time I begin to think I need to or must try or have to help my self or my high schoolers in some way that causes me to feel the burden of it all, the fear of failure, and the worry of messing up, I stop.  I breathe in the air around me that is freedom and pack-less because I look at Jesus.  The fight is not about being right or wrong.  The fight is about living in freedom.  If the Son sets you free, you really are free, in (every) deed!  The fight is believing in Jesus.  

"Therefore, if the Son sets you free, 

you really will be free". -John 8:36

We soon find out how much we hate grace when that truth sets in.  I'm not free, stop taking away my anger!  Stop taking off my fears!  Stop taking away my worrying!  Stop it!  It's humiliating and embarrassing and it's offensive to our desire to be good and right.  Because the person who is left without a pack to carry is the person who watches someone else carry their packs until it kills Him.  

We are free.  We have reached ultimate perfection.  We have the reward of new life forever.  We have the deepest love.  We have the wisdom of God.  We have all the right answers in completion.  We have what all of us deep down fight to have for all our lives:  we have our way back to God.  

We have the reward before any efforts begin.  Which means from here on out no effort is required, and none can be done for something that is finished.  Instead, with deepest love in my heart and fullest freedom to breathe, and for the joy set before me in the face of Christ who gave life to me, it is now my honor to serve Him.  It is an honor to serve Him with whatever He so wills for me to do, whether that is with my high schoolers, my family of origin, my graduate school studies, my dating (or lack thereof), my exercising, my eating, my sleeping, my being hungry, my being in pain, my having a headache or my losing a job--whatever happens from here on out is just the process and method of God of which I cannot stop.  I only believe in Jesus for giving me what I wanted all along already.  I walk in His will because it is finished, I'm on my way to see God.  

Are you? 

If so, walk boldly in the truth today.  (Even if the truth leaves you weeping or drowning in despair on your knees.)  weeping comes in the night, but joy comes in the morning.  Let the truth set you free.  

What is your reward that you are running in this life for?  Are you running to be right and good, or are you running to Jesus who finished it and welcomes you into divine love forever?  Everyone is running toward something or someone thinking that is the reward, but Jesus is the only way to Life.  If you're running toward Jesus you are running toward grace, meaning you are running without a pack or any effort to get what He gives.  It helps us to indicate where we start to swerve the moment it gets heavy to be "right" or "good."  The only heaviness we should feel is our gratitude.   That is really heavy.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it."

-1 Corinthians 9:24

Jmegrey 

The Mystery of "I AM"

“Then Daniel responded with tact and discretion to Arioch, the commander of the king’s guard, who had gone out to execute the wise men of Babylon.

Then Daniel went to his house and told his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah about the matter, urging them to ask the God of heaven for mercy concerning this mystery, 

so Daniel and his friends would not be killed with the rest of Babylon’s wise men. 

(Daniel's action to seek God is not a righteous one!  It's a selfish one.  An action brought on by desperate preservation of one's life, in other words a great disaster.  Who do you think had the King of Babylon decide to decree such a disaster?  The same person who gave the King his dream in the first place...God!!!) 

The mystery was then revealed to Daniel in a vision at night, and Daniel praised the God of heaven and declared: 

May the name of God be praised forever and ever, for wisdom and power belong to Him. 

He changes the times and seasons; 

He removes kings and establishes kings. 

He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding. 

He reveals the deep and hidden things; 

He knows what is in the darkness, 

and light dwells with Him. 

I offer thanks and praise to You, 

God of my fathers, because You have given me wisdom and power. And now You have let me know what we asked of You, for You have let us know the king’s mystery."

Daniel 2:14, 17-23

What was God doing here?  Was God saving Daniel and his friends from being killed when God was the one who gave the King that dream in the first place knowing it would disturb him and make him issue everyone's death?  Clearly not.  If God wanted to save Daniel from death God would never have placed the dream in the King's mind.  So what was God doing? 

I think God had Daniel in His heart to know Him. So He placed the dream inside the King in order for disaster to force Daniel into calling upon Him for help, SO THAT God could walk Daniel through the experience of knowing Him as God.  Daniel praises God not for saving their lives, but for giving him the wisdom of experiencing God as being God.  The whole of every life will find its security and highest meaning of existence in this one thing:  that they know God and are loved by Him.  

God takes us through every detail of our day to speak this truth into our hearts.  He especially uses our discomforts and disasters to do this, because it is in those situations that we feeble humans will call for help in the last resort of our desperation.  However, as you accumulate such experiences the hope is to know God, so that whether in disaster or in peace we confidently praise God for being God.  It may take several disasters for someone to get this, but eventually once you do get it, that God is real, that God is good, and that YES God does love you, that's when heaven happens on earth.

Worry is distrust in God's sovereignty and love.  Worry spits on the cross that Jesus carried because it's saying "Jesus you died but that doesn't do much for me, I still need this or that!" Really?  You need more than Jesus?  You need money to pay rent? You need clothes to be warm?  You need food to feed your children?  You need energy and health to do fun or dutiful things?  Worry is doubting that God knows you need these things.  Worry is wanting to think God doesn't care about your needs and utmost wellbeing.  Worry is thinking that God doesn't love you, no matter what you believe about Jesus dying on a cross.  Worry is the wall between you and the grand epic life that God designed for you to have as His heir to His kingdom.  It's offensive how much we hate God, but hallelujah God loves us first and by His grace and mercy and love we are transformed and convinced day by day of how great His love really is.  But it starts with being honest.  If you worry you are thinking God is not good.  

"No, I worry but I trust God...it's just hard." 

Sigh.  It makes me shudder when I hear people say that.  It's so self-justifying.  Why can't we just be honest.   If you worry that means you don't trust God.  And it's hard because of many other reasons that reveal your weaknesses and insecurities.  So that's that.  Be honest. And to be honest I shudder most when I catch myself saying that. 

God said that the truth will set you free.  Believe that what God says will always come to pass.  What you say will not come to pass unless God said it first. 

I remember when I began to let go of worrying, it freaked me out.  It felt so weird and uncomfortable.  I wanted to worry.  I hated worrying and how it kept me up at times in the night when I needed rest, but more strange was how I missed the familiarity of it when I began to stop.  It felt ....offensive to not worry, weak and disabling, but most of all it felt uncomfortable because it meant that I was believing that God did love me.  It meant not knowing a lot.  Things became unpredictable and felt very unstable and insecure....my distraction (which was worrying) was now lifted and the truth was scary.  

Love is odd if you've never truly experienced it before.  It's so contrary to everything else you've ever known and experienced in so much  that you question and critique it the moment it starts to penetrate your defenses.  

If love freaks you out like it did for me, and like it continues to do for me, know that it is better to be freaked out by love than to be freaked out by death.  The truth is that both love and death are scary, but the feeling is not the truth, it's just what we think in a given moment (of experiencing the seeming threat of love or the seeming threat of death).  The truth is that one leads to Life and the other to Death.  

God is in the details of your honesty.  Don't be afraid to let the truth be exposed that leads to love.  It would be dumb of us to reject love because it "scared us." But many people do.  They hold on to fear and worry and doubt because that is easier than looking at the truth.  

Honestly, love scares me.  But I would rather remain scared for love than scared to die.  Haha.  

If I had to choose.  Which I do.  Oblivion is also a wall to block out the truth.  And then God will do something, reveal the hidden things that once scared you, and like Daniel you will praise God for being God.  You will know God and what it means to be loved by Him.  What it means to have no fear.  What it means to be the heir to everything as a royal son or daughter.  You will know your value and worth as such.  You will know your identity.  

That is what God speaks to each of His children in the details of every moment...right now.

He says, "I AM."

(Exodus 3:14)

I urge you, as Daniel did to his friends in the midst of disaster, to wake up and go to God for the answer to the mystery in your heart regarding I AM.

Jmegrey 

Honest people get the most love

The core fears I have are about circumstances.  

I have no control over my circumstances though!  

It's just like the rocks that hit my front windshield on the freeway that cost me $50 to replace through my insurance and time and inconvenience to my parents.  Yet above all those bothersome things about the circumstance stands my disdain for being a nuisance by accident.  I hate that I had no control over what had happened!  I didn't even see the rocks coming until they did.  I wasn't able to stop them.  I wasn't able.  

And not once did I stop to think about the able-ness of God to stop them, and why He may have not stopped them out of love for me.  

Because all I see is that rocks that cracked my window-- which had me waste time calling my insurance and repair technicians, time and money and inconveniences to others-- are all JUST BAD.  Why? Because I said so.  And I control what's bad and good in my life, not God.  Meanwhile I have no problem curtailing all the other areas in my life where I may have wasted time, money or been an inconvenience to my parents, and I either ignore those times or just bundle them all into a big fat self-disdaining drawer.  I'm either too good in my view or too bad.  However, I'm learning more to be both and to give both parts of myself in submission to God.  My good attributes as well as my bad ones.  Both need to be dependent on God--the good ones for continuing goodness, and the bad ones for healing and transformation.  The moment I am not in submission to Christ is the moment I fall into sin and all that sin reaps (greed, anger, bitterness, hatred, self-pity, lack of self-control, etc).

So, in this specific train of thought, my fear of circumstances are what drive my behaviors toward sin..trying to become able.  I often find that I naturally lean toward those abilities I have had success in, and steer clear of the ones I have not.  If I have had success in being beautiful or found intellectual then I will uphold those things most, while a lack of success in relationships, commitment or self control I will not attempt as much.  I am constantly trying to be able UNTIL I realize the truth that God is the only One who is able.  

Rather than submitting to the able-ness of God and accepting that He loves me through every self-perceived "bad" circumstance, I perceive good and bad based on my standard of able-ness: me.  

It's much easier to be hard on myself and hate myself than to look at God and think "wow, I'm so loved by You."

Or it's much easier to justify my anger and affirm my own feelings by my self and think, "it's not my fault, so don't get mad at me, I'm innocent."  All the while my soul cannot deny the feelings of defensive disdain at anyone who might try and make me feel guilty.  

When a whole dependency on God for one's able-ness is not accepted, then every effort one makes to become able breeds a lack of love for others--especially when they are unable to meet the standards you place on yourself-- and a lack of love for the self that is in Christ since you are really trying to be "able" apart from Him.  

So how can we live wholly dependent on God for our abilities, our able-ness?

Through humility as the truth of our weaknesses and sinful natures are unearthed beneath the layers of lies and phony cover ups we try to present to people.  

We live dependent on God when we live in the truth.  

The truth when speaking to people, the truth when speaking to God, and the truth when speaking to ourselves.

Recognize your human limits by the amount of love you have for others and for God and for your self that is in Christ.  The heart is deceitful above all things, but it is also where your treasure is.  There are lies and there are truths in there!  There are sins in there and there is the Holy Spirit in there.  

Knowing that I am good is harder to me than knowing that I am a sinner sometimes.  And at other times, knowing that I am a forgiven sinner is more difficult (especially when it requires forgiving an offensive person) than knowing that I am good or justified in my responses.  

Whatever happens today, be honest, and take time to submit your honesty as well as your phony cover ups to God.  Not to be right, but to be loved by God.  Sometimes knowing I was wrong brings me more love from God than doing what I knew to be right.  But other times doing what I felt God wanted me to do brings more love than falling into the temptation to sin.  So rather than trying hard to be right and trying hard to not be wrong, I must try and believe that God loves me, all of me.  

In every circumstance.  

"So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed." -John 8:36

What's more free than that?  Haha.  Freedom is liberty from punishment and enjoyment of life as one who is supremely loved unconditionally.  Then, and only then, can I be a vessel of love for others by God.  Only if I know with increasing certainty that both failure to be loving and success in being loving is indeed loving--not by my ability but because God is able.  I just run to the truth.  

"and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." -John 8:32

The truth is...

To be honest I think....

 

Honestly I feel like....

Jmegrey 

This is not a family!!

"You violate your integrity when what you believe is no longer what you live. You ignore values that you hold dearly." -Geri Scazzero ("I Quit!")

"be able to live honestly and authentically."

"the degree to which we live in truth is the degree to which we are free."

"This is not a family!"

 I wanted to shout.  I wanted to say the words the burned in my heart late at night or when I read all the books and heard the biblical theologies.  All this knowledge, knowledge, knowledge, but God kept using my tears to remind me that all the books and sermons and teachings, prayers, biblical passages and mentors in the world would not change me.  Not more serving, not more praying or reading the bible, not more fellowship, not more solitude or reflection, none of that would change me.  None of that would give me Jesus.  None of that would heal my heart.  Those were all tools given to me, but without the thing itself I was just doing, thinking, holding ideals, and tinkering uselessly if nothing was being built.  If my heart was not full of God.  

“God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!”

Psalms 139:17

I have these tears that come so quickly.  They rush out the moment truth sets in.  They offend my defenses and trample down my ignorance, because they speak the truth.  And the truth is painful.  The truth is miserable.  It's heavy and bad, it's the sin in me, the sin in the world around me, and it's the sin that dishonors the God I claim to believe is all I want or need.  It does not make sense!  

I present myself to God as utterly helpless.  Without Jesus I am hopeless.  

Only the grace of God could lift this curse from me. 

But where was I?  Oh yes.  My shouting.  "This is not a family!"  I am angry at the way we treat one another in this fake pretense to appear fine.  You and I are not fine.  We piss each other off and we hurt each other everyday, but we keep our mouths shut and pretend we are okay.  Is that love?  Or is that lying.  You might think, well sometimes lying is love, because if we really say what's on our mind it could be received badly.  We don't lie because we love, we lie because we are afraid of what the truth will reveal or change!  It might change a relationship, approval, respect, or it might reveal our true selfs to others, the ugly self that we hate and try to cover and hide from people because we fear that if they saw what we saw they'd disdain us the way we disdain ourselves when we see our true selves.  We fear fighting because it's uncomfortable and inconvenient, or God forbid it might require us to ask for forgiveness!  We are scared of being wrong.  

To be quiet is not love.  To lie by being quiet in order to keep the peace is not love.   The bible does not say that.  That is your own thinking, not God's.  Paul never lied to keep people happy or "keep the peace", he confronted Peter when he saw Peter not walking in the truth of the gospel.  If you're mad and you hold it in, you don't show what's really inside, you are lying.  I am lying.  

It takes effort and a lot of thinking to be able to tell the truth in love.  It does not take silence and self resolution, it's not a "me and God work this out" because your problem is not with God it's with another person.  The problem between you and God is only resolved in Jesus!  Now it's you and your fellow neighbor.  It's you and that person.  That person!  For every person you keep quiet about the truth... you are lying.  It took me 3 hours to say what I wanted to say when my friend made me angry.  I had to show her my anger because that was the truth, but I also had to do it in love, and it took me 3 hours to ask God desperately where love could be found in my anger.  How could I look at this person who just tried to devalue me and in return give her value?  Only by the power of God!  That's how.  We speak the truth in love because God said to, and in His Sovereignty He will decide when conflicts resolve or when we need some more problems to help us grow.  Because in His time He works out all things, every struggle and prolonged problem, for our good.  We submit to His law that says to forgive, to love, and to speak the truth in love....and if conflict or change ensues, and pain and hurt result, we use those bitter tears to be like children before God our Father.  We desperately need Him in every way. 

How many of us lie to the very people we claim to love? 

Speak the truth and do so in love.  But to remain quiet is not love, it is lying. 

How can we begin to practice speaking the truth in love? 

The same way we practice a new sport or mathematics or speaking a new language.  We just do it and mess up and keep doing it until it is perfected.  

The hardest people it will be to practice speaking the truth in love are those we claim to love most, our parents, our siblings, our best friends, our children, our spouses, but most of all our selves.  

It literally takes your whole life to love someone, it's not "keeping the peace" or pretenses, but love is the truth.  Can we tell that person the truth, what we are really thinking?  "This is not a family" this is pretense and I'm pissed off because I don't feel loved.  So tell me how this is love, explain it to me, show it to me, and then I can ask for forgiveness, but not until I get real love.  I must trust God for real love.  

“No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.”

John 15:13

Taste real love.  Speak the truth.  People will reject you, belittle you, disrespect you, hate you, and misunderstand you.  That's not because of them, but it is for our own practice to be humbled by the fact that we are learning to walk in love.  This is a difficult thing to do, and it's the reason I cry every night, but it is the ONLY way that the world will know we are God's own people.  Real love.  I want real love. 

I am confronted by how much I do not speak the truth of what I have in my heart because I'm scared that people will not like it.  Because they wouldn't!  I don't like it!  So why walk toward such a risky and terrible outcome?  The system might change, the relationship might go bad, things could change in a bad way!  Why speak the truth of who I am with those risks involves?  It's crazy.  Change is unpredictable.  

Also I have a record of being wrong, making speaking up even more undesirable.  

But, this is not a family, because this is not love.  And if this is not a family, and it is not love, then this--this whatever I'm doing: praying, learning, reading books, listening to sermons, worshipping, reading the bible, teaching, fellowship-ing, crying, journaling, blogging-- all of this is not God.  

God is love.  Love is only received in truth. 

This is not a family and that's the truth!  Love never fails, but this ...this is failing.  Let the messy practice begin.  For the joy set before me of true love.  I have no clue what will happen or when or how.  But all I know is that I must have love. 

I must have the real God.

Jmegrey