Refueling love

There are days in my ministry when I feel devoid of that love that once overflowed from me to others.  I mean it sometimes feels like an "on and off" switch.  When it's "off" I feel on edge and extremely stressed out because I am scraping for something to hold on to while internally I'm decomposing--all the while trying to hold it together on the outside.  Perhaps it has a lot to do with my image but even when I am convinced that no one actually cares about my image, I'm still left dry heaving something that I so badly want to be turned into rivers of living water.  Those are the days when I am flat out broke.  I have nothing in me to give, which then makes ministry extremely stressful.  I'm like running on fumes and if you've ever been at the "empty" light on your car's gas tank you know the feeling I'm talking about.  A feeling of impending disaster.  

In other words, when there is no love of God in me I am less able to love others well.  So how does this happen.  And how can we "refuel" our souls with more love from God? 

I found great advice from John, the beloved apostle of Jesus, about this very dilemma. 

You see, we all have our idea of what love is or feels like, and that may be true or it may be false.  Some think love is doing lots of sacrificial things or spending time or touching/hugging affectionately or giving gifts, or any of the five languages of love.  However, languages of love cannot be love itself.  It is a means of speaking love, but it is not actually love.   That's why it's called a language of love.  

With that in mind, you could have all the dialects of love down, but you don't have the actual substance with which it will be lavished upon the person you "speak" love to.  Because having a straw doesn't mean there will be something to drink.  It is only the means of recieving a drink, but the straw is never the drink itself.  

So you know HOW to love, but you cannot love without Love itself. 

When God feels distant what do we do when we have a bunch of "straws" or "dialects" for love?  Don't lose hope, because John has a word to bring you (and me) back to Life. 

“Little children, 

we must not love with word or speech,

 but with truth and action. 

--there are countless ways that God exhorts us to love others (serving, forgiving, being patient, giving money, showing mercy, showing hospitality, confessing sins with, not holding a grudge, carrying each others' burdens, encouraging, being kind, not envying or boasting, not giving up, etc). All of these are practical ways of loving because they involve our time, money, energy and sometimes are paired with our words.  But they are PRACTICES of the truth that we want so badly to believe in more regardless of whether we actually do or not.  The reality may be that you're "faking it to make it" but only you know if at the root of that is a desire to eventually "make it" to the place where it becomes real rather than faking it to please others or cover and hide your own guilt and shame by piling on a bunch of outer layers of "love."  This is something we ask the Holy Spirit for help in discerning.  

But nevertheless, that is love in action 

but it is not love itself. 

When we love by God's practices we are availing ourselves to be His vessels for His love, but the practice is not always the actual thing.  It is a form of shaping our desires into that which desires God to love through us.  So the more we practice these ways of loving in truth and action, the more shaped we are being for when God pours His real love into us.  

God will invest where it counts most.  The one who is able to love well will be able to receive much love. (See parable of the talents for how God always gives more to the one who has more.)

This is how we will know we belong to the truth and will convince our conscience in His presence, 

even if our conscience condemns us, that 

God is greater than our conscience, 

and He knows all things. 

--when I attempt to love others while harboring a secret sin or remembering the sins of my past my conscience is constantly feeding me condemnation.  Here, John says that the way to overcome those condemning thoughts against us is to practice the ways of loving others, even when real love is not felt or comfortable to give.  When we do this it says this is how we will convince our conscience, even if it condemns us, that God is greater than whatever negative or self-pitying/self-righteous thoughts might be trying to shame us.  God knows all of who we are and He has given His Son to die for our sins so that what we see before us (our sins) no longer has power to condemn us.  Therefore, when we are in the practice of loving the people God sends our way or puts in our hearts we grow into the truth of our own real forgiveness from all our sins.  We experience the power of His love when our conscience condemns us yet we still love in truth and action.  

"Dear friends, 

if our conscience doesn’t condemn us,

we have confidence before God”

1 John 3:18-21

So love is connected with our conscience in one way but not in another.  It is connected to our ability to refuel on God's love but not in feeling loved.  Love is not a feeling, but an outpouring substance from a person.  The more we practice loving in times of depletion the more we will be refueled with God's real love because He gives to those who will give to others.  

His love is not for building up a selfish person to feel loved but His love is for building up His body, His bride.  We were made to love and be loved, but one without the other is incomplete. 

It sounds (and experientially it will feel) impossible to love others when you feel devoid of love Himself, but John says that the way to refuel is to move against the thoughts by loving in action and in truth (meaning you are intentionally thoughtful about your actions to love despite what your thoughts are saying to you.)  

Then when you have held on to the greatness of God over your thoughts, you will gain confidence in Him...which is the beginning of a new outpouring of His potent love.  One who loves with confidence is dangerously effective. 

Loving is fun once you've had a taste for the real thing. 

Jmegrey 

He knows when I sit down

“Lord, You have searched me 

and known me. 

You know when I sit down 

and when I stand up; 

You understand my thoughts from far away. 

You observe my travels and my rest; 

You are aware of all my ways. 

Before a word is on my tongue, 

You know all about it, Lord.

See if there is any offensive way in me; 

lead me in the everlasting way.”

Psalms 139:1-4, 24

I'm sitting in my armchair, just sitting down and trying to gather my thoughts away from my body that just wants to turn "busy."  I'm sitting.

It's funny how simple David puts it:  "You know when I sit down."

God knows that I'm sitting in my chair.  So what does that mean?  Why is David so enamored and awed by this simple piece of truth that God knows when He sits down or stands up?  How many of my friends know that I'm sitting down now?  Perhaps the ones that read this blog, but let's say I didn't write it or post it...would anyone know when I was sitting at home in my chair by myself?  Clearly the answer is no.  But God knows.  He knows when I sit down.  This implies that He sees me.  

I think David was able to seek after God's heart because of this profound belief that God knew when he sat down or stood up.  It was the mundane moments that opened his heart to the true God.  The God that is ever-present and seeing you when you least expect that He is around.  We all want God to appear when things are going badly, but David knew that God was there when things were just him sitting or standing up.  The face of God and His loving eyes were always upon David, and that made David seek God to see Him back and to love Him back.  Being seen means we no longer live for ourselves.  

When I'm with a friend I'm always aware that whatever I do or say will be heard by my friend.  Therefore I hardly ever do anything or say anything that would directly cause hurt because I'm aware that my friend is there.  I do, however, say what I would want my friend to hear.  

David saw God as a friend who was always there, and that made his words and actions aware as well.  Even when he slept with Bathsheeba and killed her husband by placing him at the front of the war, David knew God was there and that's why it tore him up inside.  David knew that he had hurt God with his actions, because God was there when he did it.  

“Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, Lord.

See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way.”

Psalms 139:1-4, 24

I'm sitting down.  And you might be sitting too (if you're reading this) or you may be standing up.  God sees us when we sit and when we stand.  He has searched us and known us meaning He has searched the complex thoughts in our minds down to its root in our hearts.  What He sees is far more than just us sitting or standing.  He sees the connection our actions make to our hearts because He has searched and known us.  

God sees me now--In my chair, partly asleep, partly in pain from cramps, partly annoyed at the blemishes on my face, partly hungry, partly stressed over my studies, partly curious, partly confused, partly anxious, partly overwhelmed, and partly aware of Him seeing me.  

My prayer is for Him who knows me and has searched me to lead me in the way to everlasting life. To lead me into choices that will bring me more life than stress.  To lead me to more thoughts that will bring me more peace than anxiety.  To lead me to people who will build me up rather than tear me down.  To lead me to opportunities for growing rather than staying stuck.  To lead me in every moment whether I am sitting or standing or speaking.  

Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, because You have searched me and known me.  

You know. You see. 

So please lead me. 

Jmegrey 

Heavy, heavy Uncertainty

Nothing. Ex nihilo.

"Out of nothing" 

Once again I have nothing.  No words that satisfy....I have words but none that satisfy.  So I have something, but what is having "something" if it does not satisfy...nothing.  Nothing is worthless and meaningless and empty.  Does having "something" then mean simply a substance that can merely exist without any meaning?  If so then something sounds worse than nothing!  Something sounds terrible because at least nothing is empty by nature, but something that exists yet does not satisfy, that's just useless and pitiful...foul and hellish. 

God am I doing something useless? 

But if You're sovereign and You make all things work for good then even my useless "somethings" are Your meaningful satisfactions...right?  What satisfies You will satisfy me the more I get involved in this relationship. 

Yet I doubt without more information.  I doubt by the uselessness that I see.  I doubt by my weaknesses.  I doubt when I have nothing and then something, but none of it satisfies.

Where is the satisfaction. 

Heaven?

Jesus?

Talk to me Father! 

Why is it so hard?

Why am I so far from what I know is true and life?  Why can't You zap my heart and make it new.  My corruption is before me everyday.  I cannot bear it in me Father! 

Weak and exhausted.  I become sleepy, because unconsciousness offers a nothing or a temporarily satisfying something.  

Heavy, heavy are the first words to match my feelings. 

I cannot think the thoughts.

Heavy, heavy.

I want to forget. 

Uncertainty and inadequacy seep into me making my space dirty and polluted. 

God You saw me before I went to You. 

You had my feet head in Your direction.

You saw me where I was most lost in the nothing and most discontent in the "something". 

You saw me there when I did not see You.

God You took the direction of my feet from the day I was born and have been leading me on every path to get closer to You.  Conscious of where I end up, You lead me to each new and old place.  

I am good enough because of Your Son...even when I don't feel that way. 

When life is a blur and my hope is marred, You place my feet where they will lead me to You.  

God You see the direction before me and bring me closer to You through the turns. 

I'm standing in a pause, searching for You as if I could see You, but I do not.  Yet, You see me.  

I'm most myself when I'm brought to the place of uncertainty.  That is where I find faith, hope, and love.   

I'm on the edge of terror, and when I'm uncertain I am both most alive in Him and most aware of hell.  

Father,

Hallowed, honored be Your name.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give US this day, OUR daily bread,

And forgive us OUR debts, as we forgive OUR debtors.

Lead US not into temptation, but deliver US from evil, for Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory and honor forever and ever. 

Amen. 

Headache from the terror,

Passion from the Savior.

Jmegrey 

Losing control

“So I commended enjoyment 

because there is nothing better for man under the sun than to eat, drink, and enjoy himself, for this will accompany him in his labor during the days of his life 

that God gives him under the sun.”

Ecclesiastes 8:15

I've been feeling flat out exhausted and mentally unstable this past week.  My emotions have been like waves rising and crashing down on me.  I am left feeling out of control.  Nothing I hold on to stays and nothing that I search for is found.  I feel like I'm in over my head and close to drowning.

Drowning.  I can't say that I remember drowning as a kid because I have always known how to swim for as long as I can remember.  However, I remember the first time I went snowboarding and going down the mountain on my heels all the way because I was so unfamiliar with the way to stay balanced and my desired momentum.  I was getting used to it.  But after I got the hang of "carving" I started going faster and faster.  I remember a time when I was going so fast my heart was pounding because it felt like I was losing control more and more, my speed was at a pace that I would not be able to notice where the snow could be rock hard ice, and then I did.  I went over some ice and my board hit a rock solid patch which sent me falling face forward at a very alarming speed and my board unhitched from the rock and slammed into the back of my head.  I was traumatized by the accident.  Up until then I had been boarding for years without any sort of accident, but this one incident forever scarred my snowboarding experience.  I had lost control and because of it I paid the consequence of not so much pain, but untimeliness.  Losing control of the situation via speed was a barter I made and one that was met with a bash to the back of my head.  I could have died, or so I thought.  I could lose control in the future, I remember thinking that.  There could come another board to head incident, but maybe next time I wouldn't be able to simply rub my head and get back up.  

Maybe next time I could die.  

So I stopped boarding. 

It sounds silly, especially if you love snowboarding, because they all consider the risks within the learning process to be worth the development of the skill because it probably reaps a greater reward of enjoyment.  For me, that was not the case.  My fear of getting bashed in the head one last time was enough to leave the enjoyment of the wind rushing through my hair behind me.  I'll be in the cabin reading, thank you. 

Drowning is a scary thing because it is when we lose control of our perceived ability to "save ourselves" from death.   Snowboarding with incredible speed is similar to drowning except it is an intentional barter of losing some control for the sake of the adrenaline rush that you get in return.  Both scenarios take away a sense of control, albeit one is unintentional while the other is intentional.  The unintentional loss of control is like something that happens TO US not because of us.  The intentional loss of control is for us to gain something worth bartering for--a brief loss of control for a weighty degree of enjoyment. 

Which one is worse?  Losing control that feels unintentional or the kind that feels intentional?  It's harder to live with the former! Because no one wants to have bad things happen to them unintentionally, but yet we all live that way toward God.  When God says that the pressure is off and death is no longer a threat, that we are free to live and take risks and gain the enjoyment that comes with that--we instead live out of the more fearful place.  We live as if each day COULD be unintentional, neglecting that God has His will at work on earth as it is in Heaven, and His will is all intentional.  

We choose to think we are drowning rather than snowboarding. 

Haha.  Because giving God the intentionality for our loss of control feels heinous.  It don't feel right!  When we are "losing grips on our lives" or losing control in an area of our life or there is some unknown outcome at hand, we draw from conclusions in our innermost hearts that this COULD happen rather than that HIS WILL is happening intentionally.  

I hope to somehow gain deeper clarity in this area so that I can live more and more in the enjoyment of losing control rather than the fear of it. 

“For those who live according to the flesh think about the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, about the things of the Spirit.”

Romans 8:5

We are all dying in one sense, and those who have been raised to life in Christ are now living in Spirit until He comes to give us life eternal.  Which one are you living for....the flesh or the spirit, because one will bring fear and the other freedom. 

Jmegrey

Resolve: my will and God's will

I want a resolve Father!

“Lord, my heart is not proud; 

my eyes are not haughty. 

I do not get involved with things too great 

or too difficult for me. 

Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself 

like a little weaned child with its mother; 

I am like a little child. 

Israel, put your hope in the Lord, 

both now and forever.”

Psalms 131:1-3

This is one of those moments where I read a verse and it is the exact opposite of where I truly am.  I am not the calmed and quieted child who puts hope in God.  I am stuck in the confusion of trying to understand something but getting nowhere.  

My heart is probably proud because it insists on being able to understand and grasp what is making me....uncomfortable.  My inadequacy.  My troubled mind.   This begins to build the arrogance in me, because I will not back down not even for the sake of peace.  

My eyes feel haughty, seeing yet not perceiving.  I feel frustrated. 

This is too great for me.

This is too difficult for me.

But reading this is authoritative.  It is the Word of God speaking on my behalf as a prescription for my troubled heart.  It pierces my heart as the Word so often does.  This is true and whatever I may be holding on to in thought must submit to this truth. 

And so I pray, God, for mercy.  

I wanted...demanded resolve in my mind, but You remind me to rest in the mystery of who You are and who I am.  I am a child in the arms of an able Father who will bring all things to be according to Your will.  Help me rest in You and put my hope in You.  

“Or do you think that I cannot call on My Father, and He will provide Me at once with more than 12 legions of angels? 

How, then, would the Scriptures be fulfilled 

that say it must happen this way? ”

Matthew 26:53-54

Jesus could have had His resolve and been relieved of the pain he was about to endure, but He chose to willingly suffer rather than have resolve because He wanted it to happen if that was the way God, in Scripture, wanted it to happen.  He could choose relief from pain (pain resolved) or suffering in pain (pain unresolved), and He chose the way unresolved...because more than His resolve He put His final resolve in the Father's will.  

This is a difficult thing for me if I try to reason my way through it, but if by faith I take it up I can rest. 

Even in this I am a child called to rest and to quiet and calm myself.

The Father is good, and I am his. 

I may not know how He will be doing things or when, but I can choose to put all my hope in that His will is being done.

“God is not a man who lies, 

or a son of man who changes His mind. 

Does He speak and not act, 

or promise and not fulfill?”

Numbers 23:19

The mystery of God is revealed in Jesus, that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 

I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

These are the moments when my world shakes me up.  I have what I believe, both in knowledge and in experience, and then I have the area where I am still being perfected through the process.  The vulnerable space where my heart is facing what the Spirit is changing:  my desires.  I am forfeiting self-glory for the glory of God to be made much of.  I can only do this if I am made more whole in Him than I would be if I got everything I wanted.  It's strange to think that everything I ever wanted was actually not good, because what I want by nature is death.  At the end of myself is me, but I am more me when I am less myself!  That is strange....how come I assent to this ridiculous idea?  Because the Word has revealed that I am a sinner and that Jesus has made a way for me to be saved.  I understand that I am broken, and because I see my brokenness and need for wholeness I see hope in Jesus.  

If Jesus is right about one thing, He must be right about all things because He is either the Son of God or He is not.  

The problem is my will. 

My natural love for human glory makes it impossible for me to know God.  I must stop seeking the love of human praise.  I need to be changed in my will.  To will the Father's will, willingly! 

Take it out Lord!  Take out my heart that loves human praise!  Change me God. 

I am the problem and the error, 

You are way and the truth to real life: the blessed life, the good life.  

The Lord's Prayer is a daily prayer, one which must be Prayed each and every day!

Abba Father, I need You to take care of me. 

My resolve is two sides of one coin: on one side it is me who is a baby on the other side it is God who is my Father.  What do I know??  Only that God is my Father, and I am just a child.  

I pray a deep will work to go on in my heart, so that I would be changed and my will would be transformed to Your will! 

Jmegrey 

To the coffee shop! (Here: Part 2)

Alright, so now that I'm here...the question is back to remind me: 

"What is Your will Father?"

Because I forget, and because He knew and knows that about me He sent me a gift to remember.  This gift is alive! 

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, 

whom the Father will send in my name, 

he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you."

-John 14:26

It is the gift of the King's Spirit!  A kind of radio sequence that dials only to the heart of my King.  So I have direct access into His heart, and therefore I can know His desire and His will depending on what His Spirit speaks to me.  

Tuning in.....turns into praying. 

This gift does not come with tangible dials or buttons, because it is a person.  This gift is accessed through relationship.  The more time I spend with His Spirit the more I am able to know what my King is speaking to me.  

So why wouldn't I be spending every waking moment with His Spirit?!  In the car, while I'm eating, at home, at school, the Spirit is within me and so it makes it even more convenient than if I were trying to have a relationship with another physical being.  Which is why Jesus said:

"Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you."

-John 16:7

If Jesus stayed then we would be trying to have a relationship with ONE person and only one of us could do so at a time.  He would have to drive with us, eat with us, or we would have to go with Him then wait for him to use the bathroom or take a nap or so forth.  But the Spirit is best because we have Him with us without all the limitations and inconveniences of a physical body.  We have Him in us, which is much more close than with us.  He knows our hearts and all the thoughts and fears and goals we might usually try to hide away from others in case they judge us or take advantage of us.  But we have the Spirit in us, reminding us of our citizenship back home and our call to know the King's heart as we carry out our lives according to what our King wills.  For we are His and under His protection sent to do what He wills.  

We are sojourners in this world.  

We are citizens of Heaven. 

Prayer is the place of tapping back into our reality of the truth.  When this world begins to use our bodily senses against us, what we see, hear, smell, touch, or taste, we have the Spirit of God within us that is not affected by the physical threats, and can therefore supersede their tactics.  Prayer is calling upon our King to guide us and help us sort through what our bodies feel and see from what our hearts know and believe.  

And I can attest most certainly that the body will see and feel a violently convincing contrast to what the Spirit reveals in prayer.  

Without prayer we are like unarmed soldiers walking into open fire from the enemy.  Prayer acts as a shield because it brings to mind the truth.  The shield is not against what our bodies see and feel but against what those things cause us to think and believe.  The shield protects our identity.  Without prayer we slip into the chaos of lies because the voice of truth is not being accessed by us.  All it takes is a moment of truth from the King, by His gift of the Spirit given when we were sent back into the Old Place through the door (that is, Jesus) from whom we received our citizenship the first time we walked through Him.  Jesus made a way, and we have access to the door at any time because we are citizens, but we have been called by our King to do what His will is now.  There is no threat of our new citizenship and the more we boldly do the will of our King the more we acknowledge our true citizenship.  If we are afraid and desire to go back before His will is done, we are not being true citizens, because it reveals our hearts being in a place that is not safe.  

The Spirit searches the heart, which for citizens is in the hands of the King in our permanent home, and therefore the King knows our hearts and can reveal what we need to hear from His Spirit.  The King speaks into our hearts, and the Spirit relays that message to us who have Him in us.  Our hearts have something like double locations.  One in us as the access point and home of the Spirit and the other location is with God in heaven where it will remain forever.  

This may sound confusing but it is like when you visit a friend for coffee.  You sit in the coffee shop and that is the place (location #1) where you can hold your conversation to know what's been going on with your friend, but the other location is in your head (location #2) at any given place you are at.  Because you carry with you the knowledge of what you know of your friend wherever you are.  And that knowledge or the relationship you have with your friend that you carry with you wherever you are can increase or decrease based on the times spent in the coffee shop. 

Likewise our access with the King by His Spirit in prayer is like the coffee shop, where we talk and discuss new things or more things in this space, but what gets discussed is then added to our relationship with the King that is permanent and growing deeper in Heaven where His heart is....and *drumroll* ....where OUR heart is. 

Is this confusing?  

Haha. I'm just trying to clarify the "double location" so that it's not as if we have two divided hearts.  It is one heart but not contained by any physical thing. 

I suppose if I refer things as the physical heart being the "coffee shop" but the contents of the heart are then transferred to where the heart will eventually end up permanently: in heaven with God.  

So back to the initial question:  

You're here now, and what was it that you were sent back to do? 

"What is Your will Father?"

To the coffee shop! 

Jmegrey

The door to Narnia (Here: Part 1)

Stepping in through the door that leads to Narnia is an epic experience...at least it sure would feel that way if I imagined it.  

Imagine finding a door in your closet, behind all your coats and cardigans hanging there, reaching to find your way to something you've been told is there: a door to Narnia.  

Narnia is a place unlike the world you currently live in.  Narnia is ruled by Aslan the great Lion who loves and protects his inhabitants as a just and merciful King.  He's the type of ruler who would, at any given moment, for any one of his inhabitants both big and small, lay down his own life to save theirs.  Does your president lay his life down to save yours?  Does your president even know your name?  In Narnia the King knows his inhabitants by name.  

Narnia is ruled by goodness, and since goodness reigns there is freedom to do all kinds of things like go for long horse rides through the woods and befriend whoever you come across and join new friends for dinner or build great halls for dancing and celebrating.  There is no threat of anything getting stolen or people closing their hearts to you in hospitality when you need it.  So much freedom allows for so much adventure.  The inhabitants live as if there were nothing to fear in life, because in Narnia there is no fear under the King who knows all that goes on and is ready and willing to save you.  

So in case you were vaguely imagining any other kind of Narnia less than that I wanted to set your perceptions straight.  Imagine that is the door to Narnia at the back of your closet.  

If that were true, would you venture to walk through that door?

What would you find?  

Who would you be?  

How would being a citizen of Narnia affect you and the person you are?  Since who we are at present in this world is deeply impacted by our limitations and fears, what would change in Narnia?  

Would you be the same person in Narnia as you are in the world you live in?  

The door to Narnia is an observation worth pondering if it indeed does exist.  If it's just fantasy and not real then it's not worth thinking about.  

We want the truth because the truth in our minds will shape our lives as people who either step into Narnia or those that walk right by it.  

What is the truth?  

Is there a door to somewhere unlike the world we live in now? 

Is there a door?  How can we be sure...or assured that there is?  If God said there is would you believe Him? 

“So Jesus said again, 

“I assure you: I am the door of the sheep.

I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved and will come in and go out and find pasture.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

“I am the good shepherd. I know My own sheep, and they know Me,

My sheep hear My voice, I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish — ever! No one will snatch them out of My hand.”

John 10:7, 9, 11, 14, 27-28

--in this New Place behind the door there is no escaping the safety of the King.  No one is ever too far from His watchful and protective presence.  The inhabitants, or we the sheep, who enter through the door will find a new kind of life.  A life that can be examined by the way we begin to live.  No longer carrying our past lives full of mistakes and failures which were due to our fears in the world we lived in, but a new kind of life that shows itself in the way we treat one another and the way we drink in the reality of our new home through the door we walked into.  If we find our lives unchanged in the new place, bringing with us the life we had into the life we are given through the door it would be rather strange to think that we have truly made it our home.  We would be more like foreigners who do not belong.  We may find it strange to notice all the differences, and it may take us some time to truly make the new place our home, but in our hearts we would desire the New Place more than the world we left behind.  We begin to plant and produce things useful to our new neighbors as they had done for us when we first arrived. That is the difference between a citizen and a sojourner.   A sojourner thinks that this New Place is temporary and not their real home so they will probably take from it as much as they can to bring back to their real home without investing in the kind of lifestyle a citizen would.  

“Therefore, leaving the elementary message about the Messiah, let us go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, faith in God,...

For ground that has drunk the rain that has often fallen on it and that produces vegetation useful to those it is cultivated for receives a blessing from God. 

But if it produces thorns and thistles, it is worthless and about to be cursed, and will be burned at the end.

For God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you showed for His name when you served the saints — and you continue to serve them.”

Hebrews 6:1, 7-8, 10

--Which one is home and which one is temporary?  The citizen adds to the life cultivated by the King of the New Place, but a sojourner stands at a distance without fully immersing into the life and culture of the New Place because it is not home.  The sojourner may partake in some things or enjoy aspects of the New Place but in the end they eventually stop and discontinue their work with the other citizens.  They do not continue when they no longer desire to stay.  Those sojourners go back to the world they came from because that is their home, they are citizens of the Old Place.  

If we become citizens of the New Place then we find that we are now sojourners in the Old Place.  And we may go back temporarily for reasons only known to the King.  But citizens of the New Place know that the King only commands what is good because His nature is goodness.  So if going back as a sojourner to the Old Place, but as a citizen of the New Place, is asked of us then it is good and right for us to carry out whatever the King of the New Place asks of us.  For our citizenship is made more permanent by our relationship to the King of our Home.  The citizens of the New Place can go wherever the King calls us to because for us the King is able to reach us wherever we are and for any reason and for our protection.  The King has promised us our citizenship no matter where we are, we are His people. 

“Because God wanted to show His unchangeable purpose even more clearly to the heirs of the promise, 

He guaranteed it with an oath, 

so that through two unchangeable things, 

in which it is impossible for God to lie, 

we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to seize the hope set before us. 

We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain. Jesus has entered there on our behalf as a forerunner, because He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.”

Hebrews 6:17-20

--I find myself looking for the door again at times, forgetting that I've been through the door and made into a citizen so that the search for the door is no longer necessary.  I am what I was looking for already, sent back now to the Old Place for the mandate and commands given to me by my good King.  I am sojourner now in the Old Place, yet still fully safeguarded in my identity as an heir elsewhere.  So, when the time is right to be brought back home for good I will be ready and eager to see the King and present to Him what He had sent me to do.  

Your will be done, my King who is also my Father.  If home is where the heart is then my home is in Heaven with You though my body may be here.  Hold my heart safe and secure with You while I carry out what Your will is down here. 

"For where your treasure is, 

there will your heart be also."

-Luke 12:34

Jmegrey