It’s one of those moments where you start to freak out a
little bit on the inside. It
starts with a thought, a simple thought, like hanging out with friends. I love having great talks with friends
over a cup of coffee or a plate of nutritious food; this thought makes me smile,
relationships are pivotal. Then
that simple thought starts to bubble, like when dough rises in the oven, but
this time you’ve added way too much of the stuff that makes it
rise…(yeast? Baking soda?), and it
turns into a beast of thing that’s out of your control over flowing your brain’s
pan size, oozing over the edges and forming weird tumor like extensions
(although those are always the tasty parts of such catastrophes, but that does
nothing for the point of this metaphor so ignore that). “Hanging out with friends” sprouts
these unsightly extensions of how it will cost money, and money requires a
certain amount of income, and that income comes from a job you find more or
less meaningful or enjoyable (because life must have meaning!), that job may
require more schooling which means more income for tuition, more coffee to
study and stay awake, and that income must also support rent, utilities, gas,
food, and movie nights, and a gym membership (Because I have this hope that I’ll
start working out regularly…someday).
I begin to automatically try
to calm myself down by saying that if worse comes to worst I always have my
parents to fall back on to ask for help, because someone with my size of pride
could never beg for money at the freeway entrances…not to mention I hate being
tan and that would be a lot of sun exposure. But then that becomes another little gremlin when I think
about how old I am to come crawling back to my folks for money, or worse just
the thought of asking them for help because I want them to be proud of me and
not see the ugly side of me and my struggles; in essence I want to be viewed as
successful and shiny in their eyes, their perfect little daughter visiting them
with nice gifts and big hugs, and anything less would be pathetic. All in a matter of seconds
I’ve got a beast and a gremlin on my coat tails, they don’t really exist, but
I’m panicking because I’m trying to be a step ahead of everything in my life,
and I find that I don’t have everything I need in case these creatures do end
up chasing me one day …I’m freaking out over things that are actually quite
fine in their present states (ie: income, relationships, jobs, hanging out, and
family) but I’m creating my own monsters and then telling them to begin chewing
the sane parts of my brain.
Why? Why do I create my own
monsters, and then tell them to attack me? Of course I don’t intentionally do so, but when I begin to
worry about things that aren’t even worrisome that’s what I’m doing. Do I sound like a freaky
perfectionist? Yes. I apologize, but I’m relieved that I
can catch myself right before the fog reaches a cliff. I walk just a few steps to the edge,
but I haven’t fallen. There have
been moments where I had stopped right at the edge, and I remember those
moments as well. They are stark
reminders of who I am now, and who I was a week, a month, a year, a decade
ago. I’m standing there, looking
down at what I almost did, how I almost ran myself off the edge and into misery….and
of my own doing!
As I stand there, still
sweating from the frantic running in the fog, I look at my feet…they’re not
touching the ground. I don’t see the
ground, in my mad rush and halt I hadn’t realized that I had collapsed onto the
ground, and I see my knees. My
knees? But I don’t feel the
ground. I’m aware of my body now,
and it’s resting, I’m shaking, but they turn into small trembles that
eventually smooth out. I’m being
carried. Then I look up to see the
most beautiful face looking right at me and sort of doing this jolly Santa-like
chuckle, then turns kindly serious with a smile and says: “well that was quite
the run you had”. He sets me back
down on my feet, but my legs feel wobbly, so I clutch onto Him for
balance. And here it, here it
begins…I feel it, I want to stop it, but I know there’s no point, as I clutch
onto Jesus I am overtaken by a rush of uncontrollable sobs. The kind that heaves your entire body
almost up and off the floor, and I feel relieved and ridiculous all at once,
grateful and unworthy, overwhelmed and at peace. Then he says something to calm me down, He tells me how
while I was running he thought we were just taking a jog, and how He was
excited to jump the cliff with me because below the cliff was water to be
walked on! Then when I collapsed
He picked me up, silly me, weak and fragile me, untrusting me. Now I see why He was chuckling when I
came to in his arms. I must have
looked like a crazy! He tells me
that He knows that about me, He knows everything about me because He’s always
with me even in the fog, and especially at the cliff’s edge. He is always there waiting for me to
take the leap instead of collapsing, so that He can show me how amazing it is
to walk on water, to run on water!
I know I can run on water, I
know that I can do anything, and that nothing will ever be an issue to get
worried about with Jesus since He’s, you know, God, haha, but I’m still wary of
it all. Perhaps I could find some
wisdom and reasoning from the truth for being illogically wary, but I’m tired
from the running. Right now all I
want is to stay with Jesus, taking breathes of fresh air, being in this moment
of immense gratefulness to be apart of His family. Jesus loves me, this I know….and the rest will have to be
more running.
JmeGrey
6.5 days later…
I’m moved in.
Everything went well, I was a mess for no reason. I worry myself too much.
Today is Sunday.
The past week has held some illuminating nights. One noteworthy evening would be
Friday when I got to see Vinyl Thief play again, but this time instead of at an
underground basement (for the East Nashville Underground) I saw them at good ol
soulshine pizza parlor. Don’t let
the name fool you. The joint is
gigantic with a two story interior and platform style balcony/patio it boasts a
stage with room for about an audience of two to three hundred (and that’s just
the balcony). Also comes
with a full bar on both levels.
Vinyl Thief was a blast. The lead singer Greyson strongly exudes
a fresh scent of boyish fun and manly confidence that can’t be denied him. His voice is strong and melodic and
carries well with any ear. They
sound similar to the Cold War Kids, but with a bit more “oomph” and a non stop
urge to get up and start dancing!
They have a couple more shows coming up, but you can find out for
yourself on vinylthief.com. Or you
know, there’s always google, youtube, facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. I’m sure one day we’ll have an outlet
for something close to actually seeing a band without having to move..oh wait,
that’s called television. #wallE
Me with Vinyl Thief
Me with Vinyl Thief
It’s not that I think television is bad, it’s that I think
it’s boring.
Something that isn’t boring? Rock Island! There
are tons of nature spots on the outskirts of Nashville that need me to explore
them. Among such treasures are
Rock Island (think waterfalls, hiking up mountains to get to waterfalls, and
lakes with caves), Cummin Falls (think gigantic waterworld), Minister’s
Treehouse (the trend is to think big here, and this one doesn’t exaggerate
because it’s a huge treehouse, but moreso a treehotel), and pretty much
anything in Chattanooga. Haha.
I’ll bring the details as they come…
Jme Grey
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