Being busy with work and social outings allows me to not
have to face myself inwardly. I
try to busy my self mentally and physically from the moment I wake so that by
the end of the day I am worn and ready to shut it all down. Now I’m sitting in my room, on my day
off, and I begin to shake with a beaming consternation. My thoughts turn inward, and I’m faced
with the question of meaning, efforts, future desires. All of which stem from a part of me
that wants full control of everything in my life, and possibly the lives of
others. Not that I want to become some sort of dictator, but that I want for
people to be good, I want for myself to be good, and I want the community in
which I live in to be good. The
problem with that is myself. I am
not good, at least not all the time, or even most of the time. And by “good” I do not mean one who
keeps their hands to themselves and quietly smiles at the passing people, but I
mean good as in always learning and teaching and doing things, exemplifying,
radiating, serving and helping. Being tangibly good in ways that often call for no words.
I am none of that which I desire to be, and it brings in a
flood of apathy and dismay, which is why I try to stay so busy. However, it is not hopeless for
change. I often feel that I am
grasping at change with slippery fingers, but if I could just let go and let
Christ reign over me then I’d find rest.
I can’t tell you exactly how I feel
in this moment, because my feelings betray my true identity.
My name is Selah, and I was born
on July 18, 2178 with the A protein.
Most of my writing spouts begin like that….and pretty much end like that
as well. Haha.
Writing a meaningful story with great characters that
overcome even greater conflicts, not to mention coming up with such intricate
conflicts, takes a lot of work. I want
to so badly be a great writer, but I’m so lazy. …………………….all I want to do is
eat, sleep, poop, and maybe see friends, maybe. Granted that’s just how I feel at this very moment.
So since this is a blog about
living in Nashville, let me tell you what happened to me on Monday night at
M.L. Rose (overpriced pizza place, where fries with your 9 dollar burger are
extra, on 8th), I was sitting in a booth talking to a new friend of
mine, when from the corner of my eye I see the waitress come to the table and I
felt something hit my butt. I
figured the waitress dropped a pen or a menu, so I look over at her and she
doesn’t seem apologetic, so I look down, and lo and behold I see this monster
size fly about the size of my hand.
One word: Cicada. It was a
nasty cicada, and I did some research so apparently they’re not supposed to
come out til about every 7-14 years, but according to one site that tracks such
invastions, Nashville may get some cicada stragglers invading this year (since
the last invasion was only a few years ago, maybe 2 or 3)! Just my luck. Let me just say that I have an intense distaste for
all insects, but this one takes the cake!
It was huge! Granted my
research tells me they are totally benign to humans, they look like overfed
mutant poop flies, that if squashed would leak and ooze about a coke can size
of blood and guts.
Disgusting.
So my parents are rolling into town
(literally driving here) and we are swapping cars so I’m in need of a great
hand held vacuum to clean up the last 5 years of accumulated trash and debris
that have managed to find their way into nearly every crevice and corner of my
exhausted sedan. So I’ve made a
few rounds at finding the best price for the highest quality hand held.
My conversation with the Sears associate went something like
this:
“Hi I was wondering if you guys carried the Black and Decker
18 volt power vacuum, a hand held cordless vacuum?”
“No.”
“oh.”
“you said the Black and Decker what?”
“18 volt power vacuum.”
“Hold on.”
“ok.”
(noise that sounded awfully like a lot of rustling and
nothingness)
“No.”
“Ok, thanks anyway.”
(he hangs up abruptly)
I also called target on White Bridge Pike and was asked “Are
you still on hold?” about 4 or 5 times, which I thought was a strange question
to ask the person you had on hold and was un-holding.
They have the vacuum, after 40 minutes of being on hold and
intermittently being asked if I was on hold. So I’m off to pay the extra 7-8 bucks for the same vacuum I
could order off Amazon for cheaper, but I need it now. Also it always concerns me that I may
get some invalid or missing parts when ordering online, so when it comes to
electronics I find it’s best to get them somewhere I can easily return them to
in such cases.
Ok, it was more like 15 minutes, but it felt like 40. Also, I just returned from Target and bought the thing, but I got a discount because my mother (good ol mother of wisdom) told me that they probably had a price adjustment policy that would match any competitor's price, and they sure did! Awesome. This is one of those rare moments that I'm actually glad for the existence of big corporations, all for a measly 7 bucks, I'm so pathetic. Yes, when money is scant I become pathetic, which brings me to my next inward struggle of trust. Ruthless trust would make me more of a beautiful person, yet I'm fretful to let go of any control, even to give a little slack. He still loves me, and always will, and that's why I will not stop trying to become un-pathetic...for Him.
Jme Grey.
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