Praise to quell pain

Some days I wake up with so much negative energy in me.  My mind is blurry and I feel a tension inside that I don't even understand.  I get anxious and I immediately try to quell the sensation on my own (even if that looks like "prayer").  Then, by God's grace, I am led to His Word where He reminds me of this very truth.  He speaks truth into me, that I was made to worship, so what must be done to transform the negative energy in me into rejoicing?  It is to look at my sweet Jesus from all the right angles.  

“When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded, I was stupid and didn’t understand; 

I was an unthinking animal toward You. 

Yet I am always with You; 

You hold my right hand. 

You guide me with Your counsel, 

and afterward You will take me up in glory. 

Who do I have in heaven but You? 

And I desire nothing on earth but You. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

my portion forever.”

Psalms 73:21-26

Yes this is so true.  

When something in my innermost being feels wounded it compels me to be more susceptible to fall into sin.  I instinctively reject pain of that sort, the pain of which feels destructive to the real me inside.  The pain that is not usually visible to the physical eye.  Wounds in the innermost trickle outward by default because who we are on the inside is more real than what people see on the outside.  

So the psalmist preaches that we are like brute animals when this happens.  We feel our innermost wounds and naturally recoil in fear causing us to numb the sensation, run away, or distract ourselves by any mean possible.  

Being embittered makes us stupid, haha.  Why?  I think it makes sense.  We were created to be thankful and to be full of praise toward God, so when we become embittered (because of our brokenness) we are trying to operate incorrectly.  It's like pouring coffee into a DVD player--the DVD player doesn't read coffee on its device.  What you get is an incorrect pairing of substance and device.  So it is with us when we fall from gratefulness and thanksgiving.  We were made to worship, so when our hearts are hindered from praise because of innermost wounds we will be pairing our souls with what makes us stupid.  It sounds mean, but the truth here is that we are incapable of making ourselves "right."

We have a broken nature for which God sent us a Savior, His Son.  So now we can say with the Psalmist:

Yet I am always with You; 

You hold my right hand. 

You guide me with Your counsel, 

and afterward You will take me up in glory.

How is this possible?  Though we be brute, stupid and unthinking toward our Heavenly Father, yet He is always with us?  Despite us.

That He guides our stupidity and even our embittered moments inside towards that which leads us to be taken up in glory? 

That is amazing. 

And once the words have made their way past our defenses and self-pride--once they have nestled in the soft brokenness of our hearts where our true life is--we can see Him more clearly.  

Who do I have in heaven but You? 

And I desire nothing on earth but You. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

my portion forever.

The psalmist reveals the sweet God and Man, Jesus. 

The cross where forgiveness and "right"-ness are found for us, freely.  Despite ourselves.  We see here where our God is, seated at the right hand of the Father, who He is, the sacrificial lamb and our High Priest forever, and what He has done to make us "right." 

Do we see?  Only from the gutter can we bring about what our wounded hearts need: praise. 

I hope you look at Jesus today and that your heart overflows with praise! 

Jmegrey

 

How to get courage

*Courage*

What is it?  

When you have the right words in you and none of the wrong ones stick. 

Who has it? 

The one who will not tolerate disgrace or defiance of the living God.  ("Zeal for Your house has consumed me.") Courage brews in the impassioned person.  Someone who has a solid allegiance.  (Choose this day whom you will serve.)

How do you get it?

A. How did David get it?

It was built up from his time in the fields as a shepherd boy.  He may not have been called to battle like his cool older brothers, but he did do what he was told to do diligently and with all his heart.  If his dad said go deliver cheese, he did it.  If an animal tried to attack his sheep he fought it.  He carried his responsibility well.  He was trained in the invisible moments where no one saw him, but God.  No one knew of him, but that didn't deter him from doing what he was doing with all his heart.  Courage came from God who saw David's heart when nobody else did.  

B. How did David NOT get it? 

He didn't get it by looking at his abilities or by hearing the naysayers who doubted him. 

Let's do what we do well, wherever God has us in this time, let's give it all we have because God is always aware.  And He never puts us somewhere for no reason.  

But today, we are in His plan. 

Perhaps we will arrive at a moment where we rush toward the giant rather than cower away from it, because we will have the courage in us from all the days before that.  God is conditioning us at all times to have hearts full of courage, allegiance, and passion for His name. 

When we come to that place in prayer of admitting that we can't because we are scared, it is here that we are standing in the truth.  We can't, but we must know this for real so that when we do we attribute all the glory to God.  

--

The story in 1 Samuel 17 is a good reminder about what courage is and what it is not.  Courage is not a burst of adrenaline because you are so courageous, of which you pat yourself on the back afterwards, courage is rage against anyone that defies the name of God even if no one knows your name.  

“Then a champion named Goliath, from Gath, came out from the Philistine camp. He was nine feet, nine inches tall

He stood and shouted to the Israelite battle formations: “Why do you come out to line up in battle formation? ” He asked them, “Am I not a Philistine and are you not servants of Saul? Choose one of your men and have him come down against me. If he wins in a fight against me and kills me, we will be your servants. But if I win against him and kill him, then you will be our servants and serve us.” Then the Philistine said, “I defy the ranks of Israel today. Send me a man so we can fight each other! ” When Saul and all Israel heard these words from the Philistine, they lost their courage and were terrified.

but David kept going back and forth from Saul to tend his father’s flock in Bethlehem. Every morning and evening for 40 days the Philistine came forward and took his stand. One day Jesse had told his son David: “Take this half-bushel of roasted grain along with these 10 loaves of bread for your brothers and hurry to their camp. Also take these 10 portions of cheese to the field commander. Check on the welfare of your brothers and bring a confirmation from them. They are with Saul and all the men of Israel in the Valley of Elah fighting with the Philistines.”

When all the Israelite men saw Goliath, they retreated from him terrified. Previously, an Israelite man had declared: “Do you see this man who keeps coming out? He comes to defy Israel. The king will make the man who kills him very rich and will give him his daughter. The king will also make the household of that man’s father exempt from paying taxes in Israel.” 

David spoke to the men who were standing with him: “What will be done for the man who kills that Philistine and removes this disgrace from Israel? Just who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God? ”

But Saul replied, “You can’t go fight this Philistine. You’re just a youth, and he’s been a warrior since he was young.”

Then David said, “The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” Saul said to David, “Go, and may the Lord be with you.”

David said to the Philistine: “You come against me with a dagger, spear, and sword, but I come against you in the name of Yahweh of Hosts, the God of Israel’s armies — you have defied Him.

When the Philistine started forward to attack him, David ran quickly to the battle line to meet the Philistine.

When Saul had seen David going out to confront the Philistine, he asked Abner the commander of the army, “Whose son is this youth, Abner? ” “My king, as surely as you live, I don’t know,” Abner replied.

Saul said to him, “Whose son are you, young man? ” “The son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem,” David answered.”

1 Samuel 17:4, 8-11, 15-19, 24-26, 33, 37, 45, 48, 55, 58

--

Stand where you are today and know God,

Jmegrey 

Whatever it takes

Thinking out loud I found a few nuggets in my heart.  A few artifacts entrenched in me like clues to an unfinished mystery. 

Knowledge: wrong/unattainable 

Place: wanting

Reality:  already, but not yet

Feeling: hate to see it

Want to be fixed, able to wait, remain in His love, obey, live. 

Reality: struggle, sin, banking on grace, confused, harsh inside, weak and weary. 

How: ???

Only a change of heart.

No control. 

Trust 

Obedience 

Striking and healing 

Not a zap, but a chiseling 

How long Lord? 

Sometimes when I start to pray and really search for what's going on in my heart I end up sobbing uncontrollably--which I never really expect or enjoy at the moment--but I want the truth.  If I start crying it doesn't mean it's the truth, it just means I'm crying because I feel sad, and what's beneath that is not the truth either, which is my desire.  I find that I'm sad because I want something I don't have, and beneath that desire is a very needy and desperate me.  

Beneath that?  

I don't really know, maybe the hand of God is there holding all of me there.  

So that when I pray through the unexpected tears and through the sadness and through the revealed desire and through the poor and needy me, I land in His palm--which was there all along. 

I thought I just wanted to have a good life.  To know that God is taking care of me so that even my lazy choices or bad ones are being redeemed because Lord knows most of my mistakes are my fault.  My disobedience.  My fear.  My pride.  My laziness.  My sheer stupidity.  My apathy.  My mind.  I know these about myself a little better than when I was younger, which made me pray and need God a lot more.  So I thought that's what I want.  A God who will "work all (my bad choices)/things for my good (life)."

But that's not what I want.  I mean it is, I want all my bad choices to eventually take me to a place that's awesome....like being lazy suddenly lands me in a top career or eating donuts everyday reaps me a rockin' body.  Just like that I want all my sins to bring me perfect righteousness.  But it doesn't work like that--like a zap.  

That's not the way God spoke things into being. 

It's more like a process, a sequence of events, one meant to be prior and one meant to be after.  Little chisels in time. 

Even thinking about it like that makes me cringe.  I want it to be the way I want it to be--a zap.  Like *puuk* and my heart is changed! 

And then I even feel amazed and awed by this miraculous *puuk*!  Until some time passes and I'm back to wanting and crying and landing in the palm of His hand through the praying. 

This isn't necessarily a bad or wrong thing, but I'm talking about what I want.  I don't just want a *puuk* today.  But I don't want chiseling either.  Today I want to know what I want!  (Part of what makes me crazy)

When I'm in His hands, when I have the Father's attention and He listens to me...I'm dumbfounded and no words come to me about what I want.  So I start saying a bunch of stuff that sound pretty good...I want faith to move mountains, I want discernment and wisdom like You gave Solomon, I want courage and boldness, I want to be sinless...but then I don't feel like any of these hits the nail on the head.  

I don't know what I want.  

I thought I did, and then I landed in the hand of the One who owns everything, and I found myself feeling strange.  The want fading fast. 

If I could have anything I wanted what do I want?  First, nothing comes to mind...like I want nothing.  Suddenly when the choice is anything I want ...I want none of it.  It reminds of when I was younger and I'd have a crush on a boy and then he would tell me liked me and I no longer liked him.  So perhaps more than him I just wanted because of the want in me.  

But in this case, I sway because the moment I doubt that I REALLY have everything at my disposal I start wanting a lot of things!  (The list starts piling in my head "Well, I want ...." X10000000. 

Wanting comes from lacking, so take lacking away and out goes wanting with it.  But find lack and you find want. 

How do you get rid of lacking?  

By landing in the palm of the one who lacks nothing and hear Him say that everything He has is now yours too.  

So then no more lacking, no more wanting...where does that leave me? 

I have no idea.  

Is it perfection? 

Is it a taste of glory?

Is it peace? 

All of the above? 

Not really.  It's the chisel.

I don't see the complete sculpture, but I see the chisel and the form being worked on.  I don't have to understand.  But I have to watch.  And it feels both good and bad.  Good because it's cool.  Bad because I have no idea. 

What if I knew what God was doing?  What if I had all of His foreknowledge and saw what He saw?  That doesn't really sound good for some reason.  Sounds like it's too much.  

Yet not knowing is not so great either. 

I'm never fully sure.  

But you know what?  In life I want to know for sure!  I lack foreknowledge until I reconnect intimately with God, then I don't really need it.

If I don't need it then what do I do? 

“Brothers, each person should remain with God in whatever situation he was called.”

1 Corinthians 7:24

There you have it.  

Remain right where I am.  

Always with God. 

Through sin and in saving grace. 

Always with God. 

Remain with God,

In whatever situation. 

Especially with people...because they seem to effect me the most.  

“Although I am a free man and not anyone’s slave, I have made myself a slave to everyone, in order to win more people.”

1 Corinthians 9:19

“To those who are without that law, 

like one without the law — not being without God’s law but within Christ’s law — to win those without the law. 

To the weak I became weak, 

in order to win the weak. 

I have become all things to all people, 

so that I may by every possible means save some. 

Now I do all this because of the gospel, 

so I may become a partner in its benefits. 

Don’t you know that the runners in a stadium all race, but only one receives the prize? 

Run in such a way to win the prize. 

Now everyone who competes exercises self-control in everything. 

However, they do it to receive a crown that will fade away, but we a crown that will never fade away. 

Therefore I do not run like one who runs aimlessly or box like one beating the air. Instead, I discipline my body and bring it under strict control, 

so that after preaching to others, 

I myself will not be disqualified.”

1 Corinthians 9:21-27

My brain feels fried...

main takeaway:  stay with God.  

Do whatever it takes to stay with God today.  

Whatever it takes, 

and whatever I can do today, 

I'm staying with God, 

Because what I thought I wanted I don't want anymore when I'm with God because I have it already.  

The moment I find myself far from God is the moment I find myself lacking everything leading to wanting and crying. 

On your very worst day He calls you Beloved because of the pain Christ bore for us to have the Father too.  When you're with people today, love them the way Christ has loved you. 

Whatever it takes, remain in Christ. 

Jmegrey. 

Dear younger me

Dear younger me,

I want to tell you a few things that I've come to see through the years...because Time reveals everything.  Time will reveal that a sweater you once loved eventually becomes out of style and ugly to the same eyes that once saw it as awesome.  Time reveals that milk tastes good when you first buy it, but after some Time it gets rotten and disgusting.  Time will also do great things like heal cuts and bruises.  Time will reveal that some painful wounds in one moment will eventually get better and you might even forget it ever happened--though in that moment you will feel the fury of it.  

So Time does such things.  Time is what reveals our choices too.  If at one time you put a quarter in your piggy bank, and you do this everyday for a year then by the last day you will have $91.25--it may not be much but it's just what happens in Time. 

So younger self I don't think there's much I can say to change you but I'm going to write it anyway, because it might be interesting.  I know, younger self, that you are stubborn and you won't listen, but I still want to say a few things because its the truth.  I'm living proof, haha.  I'm from the Time of greater revealing...so I'll tell you what's been revealed on my side of Time.  

So, here on my side of Time you will eventually find out that you know a lot less than what you once thought was so right or felt so sure about.  That mistakes are inevitable, and not what you should be scared about.  There are plenty of things to be scared about, but mistakes are not really in the top 10 list.  They're more like vitamins, because in time mistakes turn into blessings for your well being.  Lots of mistakes can lead to lots of growth in time.  So don't fret the coming mistakes, they will happen and if you try and fight it you'll be in battle all your life--on the losing side...constantly fighting.  Accept it.  I have, and it's not so bad.  It's not so bad.  

But I should also say this disclaimer--you will never really stop worrying about mistakes--but it's good to be reminded that you're gonna be just fine when that fear creeps up.  Some days the reminder will help, but other days you'll forget and all hell will break lose in your mind and heart...but you'll be fine.  I mean I don't know if you'll be fine, but if you end up fine it will be a miracle from God, a grace that you can add to your jar of "proofs" that God is looking out for you.  

Also, younger self, I would say that it would do you a great service in Time if you invested in solitude to know yourself well.  To think about what bothers you and why.  To question the things you don't understand and wrestle the confusion NOT to have an answer but to get more and more accustomed to realizing that you don't know a lot.  In Time this is to help you avoid delusion and keep your pride from gorging on lies that puff up your ego.  A big ego is also like a drug--a hallucination drug that makes you see all kinds of things that are not actually there.  This is a very powerful trick that will be extremely painful to stop.  Weaning yourself off of your ego will probably be one of the greatest pains of your life.  But don't worry, after some Time the pain will subside and in its place will be something real.  Whatever you think now, no matter what, being real is always better than being not real.  It's kind of like imagining food, and then imagine a toy version of that food made out of plastic.  One is real food and one looks like food but it's actually plastic.   Your ability to tell the difference is not very good younger self, because your eyes are broken.  But in Time, you'll be able to see more clearly.  

Younger self, I would also say...life is going to hurt you a lot.  There's nothing I could do or say to prevent you from this awful and inevitable truth, because a long Time ago, at the beginning of all Time in fact, a serpent lied to the first couple and they messed up.  (Which reminds me, choose your friends wisely younger self!  They will influence your most important choices.  Find friends who you think will still matter to you when the looks fade and their money is gone, and all they have is whatever is left when those are gone: ...a friend who you would die for).  

As I was saying, the first human couple made a mistake, but this wasn't just any mistake--this was THE mistake.  The mistake that broke us.  By broke I mean like broken from what we were made to be.  So from that Time on we were never the same, but broken--all of us, because they were first and everyone after them were a result of the Time they had.  Just as we have our Time on earth that will lead to results for the people after us, their Time lead to results for everyone after them.  It might not sound good or fair to you, but that's just what happen with Time.  You'll see.  As you use your Time, you'll see.  I know you're so sorry, and it's okay...because I forgive you. 

Then God stepped into Time and Jesus came.  

When Jesus came He broke Himself to be like one of us and opened a way for us to be new...through Him. He was like a door for us.  Anyone who went through Him was new again, but being new meant being different than everyone else who didn't go through Him.  We looked completely different, because He changed us.  However, this change was not without Time, but in Time the transformation was showing more and more.  The end result was shown though.  Jesus showed us what the end result would be, which was a resurrection of our bodies after death, but in Time we were getting there, but not there yet.  Time would make us more and more different than the people in the world who didn't go through the door--through Jesus. 

“If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. 

However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, 

the world hates you.”

John 15:19

Younger self, the world is going to hate you as you start changing in Time, and the more that Time passes and you continue to be transformed, the more it will hate you.  This is going to hurt.  Some days it will hurt a lot.  This is just what's going to happen.  What will also hurt is when you start hating the change because you will want to be liked by the world again.  Being liked by the world feels sooooo good.  It's like a drug.  

But younger self, when you hate the pain and you want to feel good, that's where we can begin to transcend Time and meet.  You and me.  

The desire for pain to go away never stops--not even in Time.  Because even though we are broken we still represent something that once was.  We were once naked and it didn't embarrass us.  This was because being naked revealed our perfection, and we were perfect. 

This is not perfect the way you think of perfect where you get everything your way, but this was the perfection of how we worked before we got broken.  Like a piano that plays every key in tune.  You can still bang the keys and make a cacophony, but the piano is perfect.  It works perfectly for what it was made to do.  This perfection is about purpose.  

We were once perfect in that we were fully capable of our purpose.  We were once living.  

"then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." 

-Gen. 2:7

This life was not the life that meant you had a heartbeat.  That is life in one sense, a biological sense, but it's incomplete. 

This was life that included everything like when you hear people say "this is the life!" Or "I'm the life of the party!" Or "live a little!"  

This was also "life" that people mention when they say "life after death."

Yea, it's all of that when it says "life."

We lost that "life."

But it means that when we broke and lost that, we will always want it back.  We will always want that back because it's what we were made for. 

So, younger self, I still want it just as much as you do.  That doesn't change over time.  That may seem sad, but it's just what happened.  No amount of time will change that, no matter what you do with your Time.  But one day, Time will no longer really exist as we know it--the thing that runs out--but it will never run out.  Is that still called Time?  Who knows.  But the bible calls it eternity.  And when eternity is upon us we will see with unbroken eyes and hear with unbroken ears, and love with unbroken hearts.  And that is just what it means to be in Jesus, you get what He has--all of it.  You get Life: the breath of God on your face.  

Love, 

Older you. 

Jmegrey