Think. Listen. Sift. Praise.

“For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him? 

In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 

Now we have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who comes from God, so that 

we may understand what has been freely given to us by God.”

1 Corinthians 2:11-12

The thoughts in my head come from two different places.  One of the Spirit of God and the other of deception.  I always have two contending ways of thinking.  At times we may wonder "is this God or is this me?"  However, I think the more accurate way to put it is "is this God or is this deception?"

Paul writes to the people in Corinth who struggle with all kinds of bad habits and lusts of their bodily desires for sex, wealth, beauty and status (much like we still do today) and reminds them that it is in our thoughts that God's spirit speaks to us.  And the Spirit of God speaks not to condemn (Romans 8:1), but to make us understand what has been freely given to us, which is forgiveness of sins and Christ's righteousness that allows us to have communion with God whenever and forever! 

This means that when the thoughts of failure, loss of value, or worry about the future begin to infiltrate our gospel infused minds, we have the Spirit of God to roar above the deception and speak a better word to us.  Listen to His voice.  The truth is that we came from a life of deadness and fear of being unloved or unimportant, but all our efforts to find that were dead ends until Christ appeared and showed us the way to life.  So it's no wonder that we all fall easily into the lies of what we once walked in--they used to be true!  I mean true in the sense that we knew no other way but to chase after dead ends!  So our thoughts are trained to want value and love from certain dead ends, but the gospel is our new training of hearing the Spirit of God that now resides in us.  I cannot deny my past way of thinking, and perhaps I will not forget it either, so might as well use it to my advantage to make the voice of God's Spirit even more pronounced since they speak in such stark opposition. 

“And some of you used to be like this. 

But you were washed, 

you were sanctified, 

you were justified 

in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ 

and by the Spirit of our God.

God raised up the Lord 

and will also raise us up by His power.

But anyone joined to the Lord 

is one spirit with Him.”

1 Corinthians 6:11, 14, 17

Whether my thoughts attack my weakness against sin, or my weakness to do something great for God, the Spirit always speaks what is in exact opposition to what deception says.

A thought from deception that comes in my moment of weakness against sin says I am covered in filthy sin and not in God's will because of my sin. 

The Spirit of God reminds me that:

“We have redemption in Him through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, 

according to the riches of His grace 

that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. 

He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure that He planned in Him”

Ephesians 1:7-9

If I hear deception say I am a bad and hopeless cause, the Spirit speaks that I am righteous and secured in His love for every good and perfect gift including eternal life with the Father. 

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, 

nor angels nor rulers, 

nor things present nor things to come, 

nor powers, nor height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

-James 1:17

If deception says I am doomed to fail some task or project that I want to do out of my passion for God, then the Spirit speaks that God works all things out for my good and whatever His will sends forth to do does not ever come back to Him incomplete, but accomplishes that which God purposed.

"So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it."

-Isaiah 55:11

All in all there is a better word when the Spirit of God speaks.  It is always good news when God speaks.  That's one sure way of knowing it is God's voice and not deception.  After you hear God's voice you are assured of His promises, security and His unchanging love for you. 

And in this time of being trained to hear His voice I am reminded that I am being transformed from glory to glory.  The thoughts in my head are being transformed as well as the behaviors of my body.  Everything is, in due time, being made into an instrument of praise.  

If the way you think about God does not make you praise Him then those thoughts are not from God!  

"I tell you,” he replied, 

“if they keep quiet, 

the stones will cry out.”

-Luke 19:40

What thoughts have you in a posture of praise to God for being so awesome?

Think.  Listen. Sift.  Praise.

Jmegrey

The will of God today

“Lord, You will establish peace for us, 

for You have also done all our work for us.”

Isaiah 26:12

As my second year in theology school begins, I feel the habitual jitters that try to make me feel all of my old anxieties, the anxieties that choke me of my joy in learning about God.  However this time around I feel a sense of tremendous stability and readiness for what God may do.  To continue being surprised at what actually happens, but to remain in the posture of my bent knee to the King who is having His way and will being done each minute in every day.  No matter if I get a speeding ticket, if my parents say something hurtful, if my friends reject me, if my stomach is in physical pain, if I have a headache, if class is boring, or if I don't feel loved in that moment, the one thing that remains is His will being done.  

I am dropping my expectations, because His will is being done and I have no control over what is truly good.  But I know God is good.  So my expectation is that God is good, so no matter what may appear to be will turn out for my good. 

With this I walk continually in peace and then moments of being surprised by joy!  I'm sure I'll also experience sadness at some point, but I don't need to go searching for reasons to be sad haha.  For now, this peace is a blessing that I don't want to overlook because this is so awesome.  This is contentment. 

Hmm.  I wonder what will happen today.  I don't know, but all I expect is that whatever happens, God is God, He is good, and He loves me. 

It's amazing to know that I really have no fear.  He does my work for me.  

“Lord, You will establish peace for us, 

for You have also done all our work for us.”

Isaiah 26:12

Today is walking in His doing and my established peace because He done did it all! 

No anxiety. 

No worries.

No fears.

No doubts.

All love.

All joy.

All surprises.

All peace.

At least that's what it is now.  Funny how I almost want to throw it all away and think it's too good to be true.  Why?  Because such goodness is not what anyone or anything else gives me.  This is only a goodness from God alone.

I love to sing in these seasons.  

It's weird, but I noticed I loved to sing in theses seasons, whereas in my seasons of "waiting" for God to rescue me I tend to write way more.  I write a lot when I'm confronted by my brokenness, but I sing more when I'm clothed in His perfection.  I sleep more too.  I don't know man. It is what it is.

Every season leads to other seasons and without my moments of broken confrontation I would not be in this season of pure contentment and joy.  I'm more willing in these seasons to do whatever God puts in my day.  

“Lord, You will establish peace for us, 

for You have also done all our work for us.”

Isaiah 26:12

It is God's will when I am broken and weeping, and it is His will when I am singing and getting things done, because I walk in His will.  

I hope you fall in love with the will of God today.

Jmegrey

The Holy Spirit Experiment Process

"That by testing you may discern what is the will of God." -Romans 12:2b 

-science experiments 

-the bad parts are what direct you to get it right. 

-the bad parts are what inform you as to where things got stuck and went wrong. 

-the more specific you know the position and details of the mistake the more accurately it can be diagnosed for correction.

The goal of our testing is to be in the will of God. As we get to Him we discover mishaps and "stuck" parts that we use to help direct us rather than discourage us.

The mess ups are what direct you.  

You live not in fear of messing up but in rejoicing that you are in the process of getting God more closely, and like a science experiment you use the areas of failure to help you know how to get it right.  Failure no longer marks you, but they direct you.  Labeling yourself as a failure just means you don't believe Jesus finished in giving you the number one reward that makes you anything but a failure.  So then if you believe in Jesus you fail in life not because you are a failure but because you are being taught how to live in your new gift of life from Jesus.  You cannot be a failure and believe in Jesus.  You can only be one or the other.  To believe in Jesus means you fail and learn.  To not believe in Jesus means every fail means you're a failure.  

So I'm writing this to believers in Jesus who find themselves failing at times.  

If you never mess up you will never know where you need help when you find yourself "stuck" in anger, depression, loneliness, or addictive behaviors.  

If you never mess up you will remain in sin.

But if you mess up and end up in sin, allow God to closely examine your heart to show you where one failure branched off from the other until you get to the source of the problem, not just that one part that you disliked. 

If the same failure keeps happening you should take that as a sign to go further into your heart.

Once one part of the experiment goes wrong it affects the entire process after that.  

So stop right when you reach that point.  As soon as you notice something off.  Whether that is the behavior, (this is where it most easy to stop because it's the most obvious mess up)

the coping mechanism, 

the feeling on feelings, 

the feelings beneath feelings, 

the perception or meaning you held of things, 

the expectations you had, 

or the truth who you are and what you were made to desire.  

And backtrack until you understand where the root of the problem came from.

Usually the most obvious problem is our behavior.  

Then by our behavior we can discover our coping mechanisms.  

Then we can figure out our feelings that led to that.  

Then the feelings under those feelings that led to incorrect feelings by our thoughts which led to incorrect coping mechanisms which led to incorrect behaviors. 

Are you following this?  Slow down and understand until you do. 

That's not the end.  

Sin runs deeper than our feelings.  

Underneath those incorrect feelings are perceptions (how you perceive things), meanings (what certain words or things mean to you, how you take them in), and core beliefs.  

But before these are corrected you must go back even further to what led to these being incorrect. 

Expectations.  

What did you expect from this particular moment in your life?  

Once you are aware of the incorrect expectation you will find that further back you will see the truth of who you are (by what you expected) and what you are made to desire (and the incongruent expectation). 

So from that point of the truth of who you are and what you are made to desire (God), you can begin the journey with the Holy Spirit to shape you from that point of desire and truth to lead to what you will expect when you know the truth of who you are and how God is shaping you to desire Him through every situation.  

Or put another way, God is shaping you to desire Him through every mess up. 

From correct expectations you will be led to correct meanings of things, correct perceiving of situations and correct core beliefs that you are expecting to be shaped by this or that to grow your desire for God.  

These corrected perceptions, meanings and core beliefs will produce correct feelings.  

For example you may find that a hardship in your life now produces a feeling of hope because you perceive that you are being shaped to desire God through this.  

Then those feelings will produce other feelings like being sad or angry in the godly way that stems from hope because you hate the sin that goes against God.  

Those feelings will produce motivation sufficient to produce ways that you begin to cope when something happens to you, because you will cope to regain hope not to regain "feeling better" from the feeling of hurt, or to regain "control" from the feeling of being out of control. 

You learn to cope in ways that stem from those corrected feelings that came from the deeper feeling of hope. (I've learned to cope through more conversations with people who I see God in, or with prayer, or reading God's word, or writing, sometimes resting, or praising, many times crying, etc...all of which bring me closer to hope).  

These correct coping mechanisms lead to behaviors (or your will power) to do what you think will please God.  

When you're coping because you have hope then that coping mechanism will lead to a behavior after you've found hope through coping.  

When you're coping incorrectly (addictions) because of an incorrect feeling for example, 

You feel bored because under that you feel lonely and under that you perceive that you are alone because you look around and no one is with you, and you take that to mean you are alone, and then under that core belief you find that you expected life to look like there would be someone there for it to be right, and under that expectation you discover the truth that you don't believe God is actually with you or that his being with you is your greatest desire.  

This is the truth of who you are, and this is where you are asked to believe that Jesus died for this person who rejects God as their only desire.  

And this is seeing the truth and believing that you were made to desire God (even if you don't right now, but the whole reason Jesus died was to redeem this part of you.  To bring you to God means to bring you to a place where you can say with all your heart, mind and strength "I love the Lord."  He becomes your greatest desire. 

The truth will set you free.  But not everyone wants the truth.  They don't want their ugliness to be exposed like that.  So they don't submit to God in every mistake as a blessing from Him.  They don't want to be corrected.  

Proverbs 12:15 says,

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, 

but a wise man listens to advice."

Fools just want to be right.

Wise people listen to advice because it is in being corrected that we are on our way to be right!  Being wise is being right!  

Fools want to be right but more than being right they just want to get their way.  In fact, they don't really care about being right, they just care about getting their way even if their way is getting hell.  A person who desires hell will from there have hellhound expectations, hell bound perceptions, meanings, core beliefs of things, hell bound feelings, hell bound feelings from those feelings, hell bound coping mechanisms, and ultimately hell bound behaviors.  Because at the root of all those things they desire Hell (which is any other desire than God.)

Getting God is not just about your behaviors.

It's much deeper than that.  

At the root of getting God is desiring God.

Jmegrey

On the Son's back

I can't let the real thoughts come out because they're so bad and they threaten me with their knives.  They hurt my pride and my heart as if inside of me is a caged child, utterly helpless and in need of security.  

I've lost a great love or some wonderful thing because I feel the depth of just how much I've lost.  The loss.  The sense of being unable to get what I lost.  

I discover the place around me, stretching eternally far from my reach, He stood there.  Standing over me on the cliff's edge I see the One who made me, my creator and Father, my parent.  But I'm here and He is way up there. 

I want to be with Him, to be with Him who formed me. 

But I'm down in this pit and being here means I'm not with Him.

There is much I want from Him.

I want intimacy and His love.

I want to tell Him what's in my heart and on my mind.

I want to share life with Him.

I want to be whole in Him.

Peaks and valleys are what cover this pit, but in the grandest picture this is a deep dark pit.  The highest peak is still in the pit.

How could it be that I long for Him?  I seem to forget the reasons.  I doubt life could be anymore up there than it is down here. 

Yet I long for Him still. 

I desire what only He can give me but the pain of seeing Him up on the cliff is miserable. 

So I foolishly look down and search for ways to figure it out.  I look for distractions.  I look for ways to amuse myself because looking up only reminds me of what I don't have.  Yet I see another, a Son who comes down from the Father's side and with one swift motion carries me up the cliff as rocks hit his face, his hands bleed, but He continues with me on his back. 

I hit him with my fists, "why can't you climb faster?"  Forgetting that I was once doomed to be forever in that dark pit, I find I must be more than just what I saw, I find that I am that darkness.  It's not just where I was but it is who I am.  I cry.

But moments later I complain to the Son, "why are You moving so roughly, I'm uncomfortable!"  As he simply keeps going I try to make it a little harder for Him so that He hears what I said.  I shove my foot against the wall to halt Him.

He keeps going.

I yell at the top of my lungs, "listen to me!  I'm uncomfortable!" And with that I claw at his back like a rabid animal.  I see blood seep through His shirt and it startles me.  I think to myself "oh no, did I do that?" And I say "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."  And without a reply He continues upward, sweat pouring down His face. 

At some point I start to feel my stomach rumble and find myself demanding Him to stop and feed me.  "Why didn't You bring some food for me?"  And He just keeps climbing up with strained muscles.  I try to push myself off of Him and manage to unwrap myself from Him and immediately I scream as I start falling, but He turns around for the first time and catches me just in time to break my fall with His back.  His face is beautiful.  It takes my breath away for that moment where I'm falling and He is turned around to rescue me.  My weight crushes His ribs and I hear one them break.  I cry, "I don't know why I did that, I'm so sorry!" And He puts me back on His back and I wrap my arms around His waist trying to be careful about His broken rib.  

We begin the ascent again.  This time I manage to stay still and quiet for quite some time. 

I start to drift away to sleep, and when I wake up I find my back in pain from the way I am being carried.  The pain is bearable but on top of that I feel dirty from the debris that have accumulated on the Son's back.  I cringe at the scent and open my mouth, "You reek of B.O." Adding, "could you try and shift me because I'm uncomfortable and my back is suffering!"  But He keeps steadily climbing upwards.  I kick His side to try and get His attention, "hello? Did you not hear me?  My back!"  But no response, just the upward motion.  

I can't take it anymore and I fidget with so much angst until I find the place where I know His rib is broken and for one second I hesitate about what I'm about to do, but my back hurts and so I shove my fingers towards the spot where it's broken.  His body violently reacts and He lets out a cry of pain, the sound is more unbearable to me than my back pain and I yell "stop it!  Be quiet!  Shut up!"  He stops and keeps going.  I'm confused as to what just happened.  But I don't want to figure it out, so I try to sleep. 

We keep going up.  For some reason I catch myself looking down at the pitiful blackness which is now farther below me than ever before, and a sense of ease comes over me.  I think to myself, "I used to be there, but now I'm here."  I look at the One who's back I am on, and it's strange to understand who He is and what He's doing.  Then I look up and there He is, my Creator with bright light in His eyes filling me with the fullness of every delight I find most oddly to be most me.  When His eyes meet mine there is no other to be known.  He is mine and I am His, and every fiber in my body, everything inside of me yearns for Him.  Then it suddenly occurs to me that I am being carried up out of the pit and it is then that the One carrying me is almost as beautiful as the One I am going to.  And when I see the beauty of Him that is carrying me I am stuck in both self loathing and inexplicable joy.  

I'm getting closer to the Father by the Son's work, and His Spirit is directing every movement.  I am but a child.  

“But He was pierced because of our transgressions, crushed because of our iniquities; punishment for our peace was on Him, and we are healed by His wounds. 

We all went astray like sheep; 

we all have turned to our own way; 

and the Lord has punished Him 

for the iniquity of us all. 

He was oppressed and afflicted, 

yet He did not open His mouth. Like a lamb led to the slaughter and like a sheep silent before her shearers, 

He did not open His mouth.”

Isaiah 53:5-7

Jmegrey 

My Life then (my daily reminder)

“For me, living is Christ and dying is gain." 

(After this Paul then talks about what his life means if he doesn't depart from the physical body.)

"Now if I live on in the flesh, 

this means fruitful work for me;"

(Not just work but FRUITFUL work meaning Christ is using Paul for God's purposes without Paul's will in mind.  Paul is like a puppet for God if he keeps on living.  He is just a slave if he keeps on living because he is just doing fruitful work for God's plan to be done.)

"and I don’t know which one I should choose.

I am pressured by both.

I have the desire to depart 

and be with Christ — 

which is far better — 

but to remain in the flesh 

is more necessary for you."

(Paul's tension between departing people because he desires to see God versus staying on as a laborer desiring to help others see God show that loving is loving people.  Just as faith apart from works is dead, loving God without earnestly and genuinely loving people is also dead.  You cannot claim to love God if you do not find in yourself a love for others in the body of Christ.  We know that we live God when we find that we love others.  The depth of how much we love God will be most measured by the depth of how much we love our brothers and sisters.)

"Since I am persuaded of this, 

I know that I will remain 

and continue with all of you 

for your progress and joy in the faith, 

so that, 

because of me, 

your confidence may grow 

in Christ Jesus 

when I come to you again.”

Philippians 1:21-26

Our life now is all about others.  In being all about others as Paul wrote, this shows our inward hearts that love God. 

If we live daily to place confidence in others that God is beautiful, if by our words, our actions and our schedule people see us and think that God is beautiful then we can be assured that we love God.  

When I think about this truth it reminds me that every word I speak is meant to be spoken so that the person I am speaking to hears my words and sees the face of Christ shining before them. 

It also conversely means that when I speak or meet with someone and they do not feel loved or see the beauty of Christ it is an area where God is changing in me.  He is working in me to see Him more clearly, and those are precious moments because they mean I can know better how to see God. 

Everyday is God. 

Eveyrday is my funeral and His resurrection.

If I live it is for others to see what I see. 

When I die it will be for me to see what I claimed to see in fullest clarity. 

"because of me, 

your confidence may grow 

in Christ Jesus"

I hope my life will cause others to have confidence in the beauty of Christ,

Jmegrey 

My burial

People who go to the funeral of someone they once loved cry bitterly.

I think I cry almost every day because I see how I am to attend my own funeral for my Self. 

Recently a situation arose where I found myself battling to believe that God was for me.  That I could do this thing or task--and not only do it--but do it genuinely with joy overflowing in my heart.  I was placed in a schedule that conflicted with me and the reasons of conflict were not so black and white until I brought my feelings and thoughts to God as honestly as I could.  

*when I don't go to God for answers/help I go to whatever else will help me cope: sleeping, food, watching movies, Instagram, busyness, exercising, lying to myself, day dreaming, hanging out with friends superficially, isolation, anger, resentment, bitterness, crying, apathy, reading, writing, and whatever else that works for the moment.  But in the end only God, being eternal, can give me lasting help.  

I turn to God as I am.

Why do I feel...

"trapped" -the need to please forces me to do what I don't want to 

(ungodly coping temptation arises)

"Dread, even if mild"- not getting to rest at home but being forced to be somewhere I don't want to be

(sinful coping temptation arises from lack of satisfaction)

"Fear"- of failing to commit because I don't like it 

(unhealthy coping temptation arises from feelings of inadequacy)

"Stuck"- in this commitment when I don't want it (coping temptation arises from frustration of lack of joy)

"Distaste"- for days when it might be boring and I don't like it 

(Negative thinking leads to coping temptation to avoid bad feelings from negativity) 

"Annoyed"- that I can't say what I want to say (self-loathing leading to numbing coping temptation to not be around me in my head) 

"Scared"- I'll be doing it in vain or be seen for who I really am 

(coping temptation to avoid seeing myself) 

"Stressed"- about not being able myself to do it and if I can't handle every other responsibility (coping temptation arises from lack of self worth and wanting to run from it because I want worth and if I can't have it now I don't want to feel anything, especially worthlessness) 

"Anxious"- that I will fall into temptation more easily because of the unpredictable

(coping temptation arising from fear of the cycle and habit)

"Tense"- about what will happen that I cannot predict or prepare for 

(coping temptation)

"Boredom"- my feeling which will lead to temptation 

"Time loss"- my time loss leading to anxiety and temptation

I don't know why I'm down or in a haze.

I don't know why I can't just stop coping the way I do that is not faith-in-God.  

My failure to have faith weighs in me like an avalanche I am buried beneath.

I am pressed down but not destroyed, crushed but not despairing.  Yet I am deeply perplexed.

I feel I don't know what to do.

My body feels strange and I feel neither hunger nor satiated.

I feel crippled and weak.

I feel scared and unsure.

What is this Lord?  

Where is Your love and voice?

What's going on, I want to know.

Is it for me to know now?

And if not, how do I rest in this feeling of unrest?

The seed that dies will bear fruit, Jamie.

Burial.

What happens when someone dies?

They don't wear clothes anymore except the ones someone else dresses them in for the funeral.

They don't talk anymore.

They don't go to sleep and wake up anymore.

They don't hear music anymore.

They don't give hugs to mom anymore.

They don't drive cars anymore.

They don't take naps anymore.

They don't meet with friends over coffee anymore.

They don't read or write anymore.

They don't think about what they need to do next anymore.

They don't cry anymore.

They don't dance or sing anymore.

They don't feel pain anymore.

They don't interact with other living people anymore. 

They don't check Instagram anymore.

They don't eat food anymore.

They don't take photos anymore.

They don't wash, cut, and eat fruit anymore.

They don't make sunny side up eggs anymore.

They don't poop or pee anymore.

They don't get old anymore. 

They don't worry about money anymore.

They don't worry about being beautiful to people anymore.

They don't have soft moments of thinking about eternity anymore.

They don't study or work anymore 

They don't think about the reality of dying anymore.

They don't experience mortality anymore.

They don't go to church anymore.

They don't read the bible anymore.

They don't pray the way they did anymore.

They don't breathe anymore.

They don't relax at home on the couch anymore. 

They don't aspire to travel anymore. 

They don't have ideas anymore. 

They don't make plans for the future anymore.

They are gone forever from their life here. 

They are only faintly remembered until they fade completely. 

If I died I would stop.  Many of the things dead people don't do anymore are things I like to varying degrees.  But dead people don't have any of those things anymore, whether those are good things or bad things. 

If I died I would become a don't instead of a do.

So many "they don't" and only two "they are"?

At a glance it looks like quite a steep loss.

All the losses and only two things at the tail end, and those two things at first glance look awful.

But the word of the God I say I believe in says,

"I assure you: 

Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground 

and dies, 

it remains by itself. 

But if it dies, 

it produces a large crop."

-John 12:24

The choices are to pick between a life of having all the "they don't" of dead people, or pick a life of much smaller scale in what "they are" for the hope of what God says is more than meets the eye. 

Biblically, this is also to live a life that remains alone (even if it doesn't look that way because of all the things you'll seemingly have as a non-dead person) or live a life of death and donts that produces a large outcome from two "are". 

What does this say about dying to the flesh, but living in the Spirit of God?  Clearly to die in the biblical sense does not mean to overdose on pills or jump off a 50 story building.  That is death in one blip of a sense.  It happens and it's done in the physical context.  But death in the biblical sense is eternal.  It never stops happening daily because the death of this kind is what brings in the life of another.  

“and with every unrighteous deception 

among those who are perishing. 

They perish because they did not accept 

the love of the truth (that only if one does will one bear anything of value and worth.)

in order to be saved.”

2 Thessalonians 2:10

The truth must be loved, not just believed or known.  The truth must be loved.  It must be of worth and nobility to embrace a life of don't.

Perhaps it must feel and be valuable to only be faintly remembered and then gone from the life once lived.  Who feels like they love being forgotten?  Nobody does, nobody that has some kind of value feels that way.  Because to have value is to be valuable and to be valued is to be unforgettable.  

One kind of person that might think they are this way is the suicidal person.  They think they value death for a good reason. 

But the difference is the heart of one who values death but lives and the one who values death and chooses to kill themselves for that value.

The reason behind why they value death are literally lifetimes apart.  The Christian values death but continues to live because to live is to value the valuable things about death (which is the loss of their self).  But the suicidal person values death not for the gain of Christ or for the loss of self but instead desires to take their lives or to die because they don't value Christ, and as such they don't have any value at all.  For apart from Christ they only have themselves which is only darkness and hell.  They value death because it means they can rid themselves of their problems, their bad feelings, their darkness, their life on earth that feels like hell, and they have only themselves in their heart apart from Christ. 

I fall into this delusion at times thinking it's okay. To feel as though "death would be easier" or that I wish for death to happen now because all of the things in life are too hard for me.  I'm not as severe to ever have been suicidal but the thought is as the seed of such and therefore must be dealt with seriously and right away.  I could end up becoming someone who then entertains thoughts of suicide, and I do not take that lightly.  I have friends who are at that point, and from there it is a battle of another caliber that I do not wish to enter, albeit praying for them to have victory over it.  

So I consider that those poisonous seedling thoughts can be coated in false holiness when I think thoughts like "I would rather just die and go to heaven where I can be with Jesus."  As if Jesus never died to make residence in my heart is a reality.  As if I am not already with Jesus now.  These are lies I must be confronted with when they creep in. 

Because if Jesus is true and His words are true then his spirit dwells in me.  The reality of Him that I want is in me, rather than someone I await to be my reality when I die and go to heaven.  The physical death would only change the view of Him I see the way glasses change the vision of how one sees another person in front of them, it does not change the person in front of them. 

"And if the Spirit of Him 

who raised Jesus from the dead 

lives in you, 

then He who raised Christ from the dead 

will also bring your mortal bodies to life 

through His Spirit 

who lives in you."

-Romans 8:11

So then what does the suicidal person or person who values death in this way really want, since it is not Jesus?

The desire for self in the heart that seeks to kill and destroy them.  

But the Christian who values death, and because of this value of death chooses more so to live passionately, values having Christ, since this ongoing death is also the ongoing and ever increasing attainment of life in Christ.  The proof of valuing Christ is in valuing death through how one lives.  To place value on all the things about death--the life of don't, to value the "they don't hug their mother, they don't eat eggs, they don't have ideas, they don't make plans, they don't see their kids graduate, etc--in view of having a life of what they are: "they are gone forever, only vaguely and temporarily remembered until truly gone forever from the minds of men" because such a death means to them that they love the truth: Christ laid down His life to give us eternal life.  It is valuing or loving the truth, and the proof is in valuing a life of "don't" passionately.  

They love the whole truth, the details in the truth, and the smallest strokes of the truth because it leads them ever more to the final truth: that God loves them and wants to be with them forever. 

So, what do you value?  Death for the sake of preserving your self, or death for the sake of living to gain Christ more?  

I see more clearly that perhaps the situation that invaded my schedule was meant to reveal my heart.  It showed me how every feeling of tension, stress, and fear all stemmed from a big part of my self at the center of it all.  What I wanted, what I could do, what I felt, rather than me celebrating that I am dead and alive in Christ.  I am still learning to see Christ as beautiful and the process is arduous the more I don't see how wretched I am.  My self keeps getting in the way and trying to lie by claiming that one day I will be better on my own if I have this or do that, but the Word of God tells me the truth that I am only darkness through and through, and that Jesus is the proof of this truth in that it took his death to give me light and life.  

So as I daily wake up, eat, walk, talk, write or sleep, I do so knowing I will struggle in the pain of seeing my darkness yet I will rejoice when the proof of His light meets me at the end of that struggle.  This means, it's okay if people see me for who I really am.  It will hurt, but I pray for endurance to be met with the love God reveals through that. 

Lately, I've been learning about the value of having a preference and knowing you have a voice to speak up about what you honestly prefer or like.  I see now that this is true, I do have preferences and since they are truly in me I should reveal them, but the purpose to show my preferences is not to prove I am right as a person, rather the immense value in showing my preferences to others is to know more experientially that I am wrong, wicked and that my self is what causes dissension and disunity with others.  It is of great value to know that I leak more and more because such experiences lead me to experience God's grace and love more and more.  I am to be honest not because it makes me right but because it makes me wrong and being wrong makes me see Christ more.  So I continue to walk in honesty, showing my preferences and my values more openly with others in hopes that my heart will see God in each one that reveals me as wrong. 

"What a struggle it is to die!", says my Self.

"What a joy it is to know and be loved by God!", says His Spirit in me.  

Jmegrey

I Want

“Then the One seated on the throne said, 

“Look! I am making everything new.” 

He also said, 

“Write, because these words are faithful and true.”

---I WANT NEW EVERYTHING.

There are so many things I wish were made new.  I wish my bed was new in case, over the years, bugs or anything crusty has accumulated in the crevices beyond my reach to clean it.  I wish my car was new because I love the scent of new cars and clean leather seats (that don't have crumbs or drink spills on them).  I wish my organs inside could be brand new because over the years I wasn't always so kind to what I put into my body.  I wish my eyes were brand new....I wish my skin was brand new!  Haha the point is, things that are new are more highly valued and beautiful because they are not dirty or old.  Is it no surprise that humans love and crave newness of many things?  We love new produce, new groceries, new houses, new cities, new jobs, and whatever else would make our lives feel better and brighter.  Here in revelations Jesus proclaims that He is going to make all things new.  This is the truth.  And this truth makes all suffering in the now to be temporary and necessary to reveal and expose those who truly have the hope of Christ in their hearts.  People who believe in Jesus and His words will believe that soon all things will be made new, no matter how bad, old, or dirty things may look right now, Jesus's words are true and He will soon make all things new.  Which means whatever we have now is also a gift from God to shape our hearts into the person who will fully embrace when Jesus brings us into His newness!  The less I have now the more my heart rejoices in what I will have in Christ.  Subsequently the more I have or the more clean I think I am the more I will forget that there is a vibrant and life sustaining hope in Jesus.  So then, I am learning to rejoice genuinely in when I lack and to rejoice in when I have plenty, because to have much in this life means to have much only to give much more.  To have little in this life is to know how much I have in Christ more clearly.  Either way I get to see the beauty of Jesus in all things, and my desire for things to be made new grows rapidly because I want the highest of the highest.  I want everything new.---

I did not see a sanctuary (church) in it, 

because the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb are its sanctuary. 

The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, because God’s glory illuminates it, and its lamp is the Lamb.”

Revelation 21:5, 22-23

---I WANT TO SEE GOD WITH MY OWN EYES.

In heaven there will be no church or bibles.  John writes that he saw no sanctuary to worship God because God is right there and we won't need to meet in a building to remember Him because we will see Him face to face!  We won't need a reminder for how good and awesome He is because we will no longer be blinded by the curse of sin.  We will see God and the proof of His Kingship and glory will be so evident that John writes we won't even need electricity or light switches or even the sun and moon!  God's glory is so rich and awesome that it lights up the place.  It's like when you go into a dark place and then you turn on a flashlight, in that moment you know you have light because of the flashlight, but in heaven you won't need a flashlight to know what you have because there will be no darkness to make a flashlight necessary to see light.  When you are where God is, no darkness exists.  Only light.  However, right now we need lights and flashlights such as the word of God, prayer, community and serving others because we live in darkness.  But in heaven, we will be in the light of God where no darkness exists.  So church and bibles and such will no longer be necessary.  We will have what we always wanted more of on earth, but in its fullest form--we will have our God before our very own eyes.---

“Night will no longer exist, and people will not need lamplight or sunlight, because the Lord God will give them light. 

And they will reign forever and ever.”

Revelation 22:5

---I WANT TO REIGN FOREVER.

John repeats this truth about the light that will overpower everything making artificial or created light unnecessary.  It's pretty captivating to think about, to think that one day we will see light and the source will be neither from electricity or the sun, but from the face of God as He looks at us.  We will daily bask in His light as we reign as children of such a great Father of lights.---

“Then he said to me, 

“These words are faithful and true. 

And the Lord, 

the God of the spirits of the prophets, 

has sent His angel to show His slaves what must quickly take place.” 

“Look, I am coming quickly! 

The one who keeps the prophetic words of this book is blessed.””

Revelation 22:6-7

---I WANT IT ALL, I WANT EVERYTHING, I WANT REAL HOPE FOR THIS TO BE UNSHAKEABLE IN ME.

This is the truth by which we are to confront ourselves with.  The truth that God's light is really much more awesome and bright than we can see now.  The truth that one day we will be like God in that we will govern and rule in heaven in a manner that understands how to rule without dissension or injustice.  We are more like lab rats on earth right now in the process of learning how to be people who can govern as such, how to live with one another sharing the kind of intimacy the Father has with the Son, we are learning to have that with one another here on earth.  Which is why the more we experience walking into deeper intimacy with one another the closer we are being transformed.  It says here that the God of the spirits of the prophets, which is the same as the God of our spirits when we speak or act, meaning it is our spirits that God is moving through not our outward actions.  The spirit is the unseen part of every human being, and that is where God speaks to us, where we find real hope.  When we speak to God we use our actions to confront us not speak truth into our hearts.  It's like how we use a thermometer to show us how high our temperature is, but it will not change it, it will only let us know.  Actions only let you know, it is the inner unseen spirit that will be an agent of change.  You may do the same action but only the one done in the spirit that speaks with God will be blessed and validated, the same exact action!  You have to think about this.  It is not what we do that validates us as God's children, but it is who we are on the inside when confronted by our actions.  It is asking ourselves what we truly want and what we really have our hopes set on getting.---

““Look! I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me to repay each person according to what he has done.”

Revelation 22:12

---I WANT THE REWARD THAT EACH OF MY ACTIONS AIMS TO CLAIM.

Jesus is saying that what we do matters.  This again reminds me of the truth that a person can be inwardly of God and do good actions or be inwardly not of God and still do seemingly good actions, HOWEVER, a person canNOT be inwardly of God and not do good actions, but one can be inwardly not of God and not do good actions.  Do you catch the truth in there?  It does not matter what we do in one sense, but it matters in another.  Our actions do not tell us we are God's workers, but our spirits corresponding to God cannot help but do good things so that two people could be living identical lives on the outside serving God through serving others but only one of them will be taken to God if only one of them has the spirit of God.  This makes examining our inner spirits an utmost priority before any serving gets done, otherwise you serve and work in vain.  For those who serve and work in correspondence to the God of their spirit they are the ones who's work will be rewarded by Jesus when the time comes.  I often have to stop myself and ask, "do I delight in doing this work?  Do I delight in seeing this person, going to this place, participating in this event or being around these people?  Do I delight in it in my inner being?  Or do I secretly find it boring, lame, or tedious?"  In other words, will my "good actions" actually be the kind that will be rewarded?  All of this God can answer us by the posture of our inner being, our feelings, values, preferences and goals that we honestly bring before God from our hidden heart.---

““Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they may have the right to the tree of life and may enter the city by the gates. Outside are the dogs, the sorcerers, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices lying.”

Revelation 22:14-15

---I WANT THE ONE RIGHT TO WALK INTO HEAVEN.

When I catch my inner being in mental rebellion against God that is causing external actions of disobedience then this verse is what I need to be reminded of in order to reorient myself to the prize of humbling before God to change me.  Those who wash their robes, meaning they put on the robe that Christ gives them freely by grace, will obtain the right to Life as they enter heaven by the front gate. In other words, those who recognize that they must rid themselves of their robes (their self) and put on Christ so that all our effort and trying and working hard here is blotted out (or washed off) so that our only right into Heaven's gates is our forgiveness badge, will be granted entrance into the kingdom of God.  No amount of good deeds, serving, bible understanding or blessings on earth will get you into heaven, but only the stripped down robe that has the seal of a forgiven sinner will enter rightly.  Which brings us back to the previous section in that you will know you are His on earth because of your spirit, and if you have His spirit you will not be able to help but follow His commands even though they don't bring you anything in the end aside from what forgiveness alone brings you.  And this again follows up with the very first section that all things will be made new once I am with God.  I get in with only the badge of forgiveness, but that actual badge I receive on earth is what naturally compels me to want to inwardly obey God, all because of the authentic badge.  So if you follow this string of logic, it is the badge given to us by Christ that is responsible for our will to do anything for God, and it is the badge that we wear to get into heaven.  It's all that badge man.  There are fake badges and real badges, and the truth here helps us to distinguish between the two.---

“Both the Spirit and the bride say, “Come! ” Anyone who hears should say, “Come! ” And the one who is thirsty should come. Whoever desires should take the living water as a gift.”

Revelation 22:17

---I WANT THE GIFT THAT GOD GIVES.

Notice how the living water, which represent life and blessings and joy and everything that God has is a gift.  When I get a gift from someone just for the heck of it, not for my birthday or Christmas but just on a random day someone thinks of me and buys me a really nice gift, the first thing I think is "wow, you thought of me?  You love me?  Thank you so much!"  I am filled with surprised gratitude.  The gratitude comes surprisingly but authentically as all genuine gratitude is.  It surprises me because it is not of me, but it comes as a natural response to what first came from the gift giver.  My gratitude is only the latter extension of the gift giver's intention.  So it surprises me because it is placed in me apart from me having anything to do with its being there.  That is a GIFT.  When we have accepted the gift of life from God it is the same process of being surprised by everything that happens as a result of that gift.  Our gratitude is also a gift, our serving that stems from that gift of gratitude then is also a gift, and anything else that might stem from serving with gratitude (such as our character change, successes, new friendships, more money, security, stability, good memories, etc) are all a part of that ONE gift given by God.  That is what it means to take the living water as a gift.  Oftentimes I forget this, and I have to ask God to search my heart and tell me what I am dishonestly believing to be mine and then to be stripped of that lie so that I can see all good things as a gift again.  Otherwise I am not surprised that I have food to eat, friends that love me, or money that ends up in my hands.  And if I'm not surprised then they are NOT taken by me as gifts from God, even if I may know in my head that they are.  It is the inward surprise that always reminds me where I am wrong.---

“He who testifies about these things says, 

“Yes, I am coming quickly.” 

Amen! Come, Lord Jesus!”

Revelation 22:20

---I WANT JESUS TO COME QUICKLY.

This honestly frightens me at times because I don't always know if I really really really truly in my inmost being want Jesus to come quickly.  Do I want to get married first?  Have kids? Be a grandmother?  Publish a book?  Reach the age of 80?  Experience all that life has for me to experience first? These questions are more soberly faced with realities of what I do not yet have.  So they must be asked in confrontation to other statements like, if you were to fall madly in love with a really handsome and awesome man of God would you still want Jesus to end that romance and come quickly?  If you had two beautiful newborn babies and held them in your arms in the delivery room, at that moment would you want it all to end before you could see them grow up for Jesus to come?  If I had worked 7 years on a book that I poured out sweat and blood to finish would I want for Jesus to come before I could see that it was published and all that I would reap from its being published (money, feeling achieved, being seen as an author, being admired, being asked to come speak somewhere, all that self-glory!).  These are realities that scare me about this part in revelations.  It's easy to fool ourselves into thinking we want Jesus to come quickly in light of what we don't have now, but do we want Jesus to come quickly in spite of what we do want now?  This is where God is working to shape us, to be as Paul was when he stated that he had found the secret to sheer contentment:

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."

-Philippians 4:12

Paul lived as someone who had no needs.  Because every need was met for him.  So whether he was suffering on earth or resting, he was content inwardly and no praise was his because nothing was a job to be done by him since he was doing it from a heart of contentment.  No one commends someone for doing something that was done passively, and yet this is the position Paul takes as a worker of Christ.  He works not to meet a need but as one who is content no matter his circumstances.  His actions are not dependent upon his circumstances, they are just actions that he does or does not do in order to grasp at a heart that always sees God as the prize.  God is prized when He is in want and God is prized when he has plenty.  

I hope and pray that I, too, would walk in this way before God, fully content and naturally reminded that today and everyday it is my honor to know God, to serve God, to rest in God, to have much or little before God, and to do all things in Him as passive things when I set my eyes on Him as my prize.  To take criticism and suffering as a way to honor God better, to take pain from others as a way to honor God better, and to take each moment as an opportunity to honor God more deeply.  Every day is my opportunity to honor God because He is my full reward.  However, right now God is not my heart's only reward.  I want God and good feelings.  I want God and physical beauty.  I want God and accomplishments.  I want God and good relationships.  But all those things must fall into their respective places under God, and only then can we enjoy every blessing God gives us.  

I pray that God would change my heart to treasure having Him above all things first.  

I want a lot of things, and it is important to ask God in my hidden heart to show me what I want the most.  

Jmegrey 

What honor looks like

David vs. Michal

“David was dancing with all his might before the Lord wearing a linen ephod.”

2 Samuel 6:14

---Pretty much David was dancing in public like a raver on Molly in his underwear, but without the rave or the drugs.  Just David being so pumped and honored about God to the point that he can't help but express his joy through a victory dance that makes him forget the fact that such quick and pulsating movements will cause his clothes to fall off.   Forgetting certain facts about ones actions is equivalent to not caring.  David did not care about his image or how people were looking at him or thinking things about his actions, because all David knew in that moment was how good it was to have God's presence with him when the ark of the covenant came rolling in.  People were most likely staring at him just like we all would be staring with cameras and helicopters if president Obama starting rave dancing in his underwear at 2pm in the middle of time square.---

“When David returned home to bless his household, Saul’s daughter Michal came out to meet him. 

“How the king of Israel honored himself today! ” she said. 

“He exposed himself today in the sight of the slave girls of his subjects like a vulgar person would expose himself.” 

Michal was embarrassed because David was her husband and this made her look bad.  Her husband was acting like a fool and it would mean she would look like a fool's wife.  But notice carefully how she says her words to self justify her hidden intentions.  She says that he exposed himself indecently in front of the slave girls like a crude person which isn't exactly a lie so much as it is a half truth.  It's true, he did expose himself, but God and everyone who saw him dancing knew that his intentions were all about praising God and nothing to do with wanting the admiration or ogling eyes from a bunch of slave girls.  David could have done a million other things to get the attention of women- he's the king after all- but dancing like a madman in his underwear in the middle of the streets was highly not one of them.  It's clear that what bothered Michal was not jealousy that slave girls might be lusting after David or that David's reputation was on the line, but in fact it was the exact opposite- she was bothered that they wouldn't be lusting after him because he looked so ridiculous.  In other words, she wouldn't be envied by everyone for being the wife of the King, instead she felt embarrassed that because of his humiliating act for God she would get nothing.  She desired to be put together and envied by people, and David was ruining that.  David just wanted to give God glory so none of that mattered to him.  Whether his reputation or hers would be ruined did not matter, all that mattered was the heart in him that wanted to praise God.  His goal was one.  His heart was after God, not anyone else's, not even his own or Michal's.---

David replied to Michal, “I was dancing before the Lord who chose me over your father and his whole family to appoint me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel. I will celebrate before the Lord, and I will humble myself even more and humiliate myself. I will be honored by the slave girls you spoke about.” 

---Unlike Saul, Michal's father, who was always concerned about what others thought of him and his reputation and image--David was not.  David danced so wildly that his clothes started falling off--it's just like a girl dancing until drool and sweat cover her face and armpits.  It's not sexy, it's real.  David's worship to God was real.  Saul was fake even though he may have succeeded in appearing put together and "holy" in front of everyone around him, that only proved more that he cared about what others thought of him than about what God meant to him.  Even if Saul's heart was truly in love with God (though we know it was not) there would be no evidence to prove it because he continually tried hard to maintain esteem and approval from the eyes of others.  Saul wanted to appear looking good and admired by people, but David humbled himself to the point of humiliating himself in front of everyone.  David's humiliation was proof of his not caring about the approval from others- that's usually what happens when one is humiliated.---

And Saul’s daughter Michal had no child to the day of her death.”

2 Samuel 6:20-23

---God is God and He controls everything ultimately.  Meaning, God closed up the one honor that Michal could have at that time, which was the honor that came with bearing children (especially to be an heir to the throne), and her self-absorption and self-admiration and self-honor would die when she did.  On the other hand, David would eventually give birth to a son who would carry on the line that led to Jesus, the Son of God, the King forever in the line of David!  That's the highest honor....to be honored as being an ancestor to God not only at one time on earth, but into eternity.  When we give our lives to praise God and honor Him, we not only do what our existence was meant for but we gain the approval of God forever!  We enter into the real holy place and sit as a member of the family of God, a seat of highest honor forever.---

Who do you really seek to honor today?  

If you're like Michal giving into half truths to try and justify your self-absorption, then repent and ask God to change your heart and to help you let go of wanting the glory from others.  

I would say to be like David, but one cannot will oneself to dance without fear of losing approval of men as David did because when it happens it happens freely and you sort of forget what you look like.  When it happens it feels like an honor not humiliation, until someone points out that it looked humiliating.  Does what you do today for the glory of God feel like an honor that to others looks humiliating?  Trust me, even though you won't know it's embarrassing, someone else will.  And that's when we hear their words and praise God for allowing us to have a moment of pure worship to God.  Welcome those words because they are proof that you see God as worthy of all honor.

Jmegrey 

On being single

Am I scared to be single forever?    Sometimes.  But I'm also scared of settling for a guy I don't really love or that doesn't really love me.  

I fear I might regret this post at some point when this confidence in me wears off or what not, but at the moment I feel like this is what I want to share with you, my mysterious readers (and mom, hi mom.) 

So as I'm nearing the time of turning 29 I am asked by a lot of people whether or not I want to get married, I'm guessing because I look so "content" with my singleness, or I don't know, maybe they prefer me to look distraught and despairing about it?, or maybe they are merely just curious to see if I am a normal person with desires for romantic love (or if I have the gift of celibacy?), I don't know what they're thinking, and I'm probably missing the mark by a wide margin, so I just want to share what I'm thinking honestly since that's all I can know so far as I'm concerned (after all this is the subject of my singleness haha)...and hopefully this may help anyone else in similar shoes, or in the least it will help you understand mine haha.  

So to be honest (and that is the last time I will say that since it should hopefully be established by now) I do want to say "I do," to get married.  Lets clear the air about that.  Haha.  I do want to get married.  I have a deep desire to get married, I'm as human and as woman as the next one haha.  

But I want to marry a guy that loves Jesus.  And God has been teaching me that.  How to see a guy that loves Jesus, because there are a lot of posers out there.  And becoming an expert at spotting posers is just as crucial as becoming an expert at knowing what a poser I was...err, I mean, am.  I hope that makes sense to you.  

But to be a bit...structured and frank about it I'll just be candid by the mixture of my stance on marriage.  I'm not perfect at spotting this, no way, but through this season of examining my own heart I have narrowed in on what I'm looking for when I say "I want a man that loves Jesus."  

By knowing more specifically these characteristics as I endeavor to have them myself, I become better at spotting the fakes from the reals.  So I'm certainly a far ways from perfectly loving Jesus, but the point is that the process is healthy and very instructive for the areas of dating (among many other areas that I usually write about).  

I'm going to regret this post, but that's okay.  Regrets are a part of messing up, and I'm not scared to mess up.  At least I want to believe that. 

When I say I want a man that loves Jesus I more specifically mean that the way he loves people and the way he works hard and the way he has a deep joy as well as a deep sorrow for all the things God gives him are all expressions of that love, not tasks.  I want to find someone who wants to live everyday in profound beauty and awe of God, even though that may not always be the case, I want him to want that so badly.  I want to marry someone who fears separation from God more than losing money or reputation.  I want to marry someone who is tall.  Because I'm attracted to tall guys.  This might need some redeeming, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it.  And since we are at that point I'll throw in that I still very much want a hot guy that everyone will see and envy me for.  I want my friends to think I'm so blessed and awesome because look at the guy that wants to willingly marry and spend the rest of his life with her!  Haha.  But I'll admit that other than the being tall thing, sometimes I find myself honestly not caring so much about the looks and the envy and admiration from others.  Sometimes.  

I want to marry someone who is wise, and not so smart that it makes him an ass.  I want someone who has some naiveté towards certain things because that's cute and attractive, and real.  No one knows everything so I basically want an honest guy who wants to know everything but is ready to admit with childlike sincerity when he does not.  However, I also want someone who will call me out lovingly when I'm being an ass and who will want me to call him out lovingly--even if it's painful at first.  Because there's no fear in love.  I want someone who knows how to communicate with people well.  Someone who isn't so socially awkward to the point that people avoid him.  If you're socially awkward in a cute way then that's different, but if people don't like being around you then there is something to be said in that area.  I mean all of these things find their completion more fully in the one real genuineness of a man that loves Jesus.  Because being socially awkward usually has deeper issues rooted in fear and what not that get dealt with when you enter into the gospel of God's love.  At least that has been my experience.  

I know, some of you might be thinking "okay Jamie so you basically want to marry Jesus."  Haha.  Yea! Pretty much!  I mean what does it mean to remain in Him but to have Him (Jesus) altogether?  I want a man who really has Jesus in his heart.  So there's that.  

Now I'm pretty sure that the man that has Jesus will also want to be with someone who shares his heart...so it'll be a nice and snug fit, right?  Hence why the best gift I could give whoever I end up marrying is my devotion to Jesus.  I mean if his heart is a triangle and mine is a square then we will clash in terms of becoming one flesh.  You might like to be creative and think that triangle and square can make some new alien shape, and that's great for you, but we are not talking about you.  We are talking about me.  If my heart is Jesus I want his heart to be Jesus too.  That's it.  No Jesus + Ego, Jesus + Buddha, Jesus + gym, Jesus + football, Jesus + money.  No.  Just all Jesus at the center of it all, and all those other "loves" can fall only In submission to Jesus, except no Buddha.  

So the more I shape my heart to be where Jesus shines more brightly the more I will be ready when he comes along with Jesus in his heart.  If I don't date you, like you, or hang out with you it's not personal.  It's spiritual.  You can take your case up in your spirit with God.  (I've learned to also be the reciprocal of this truth as well when unrequited love happens to me)  But I'm still broken and there are a lot of character flaws that God is helping me work through and each one makes me feel more and more whole.  And when the time is right God, in His Sovereignty, will have me stop being single.  No one can stop Him.  I am learning to trust God more and more in this area, especially when I see cute babies and engagement photos in a barn where the girl looks beautiful and her man looks beautiful and the overwhelming beauty of it all just captures my awe....because I love beauty.  In fact beauty is one of the great struggles for redemption in my life, so I can see why I'm still single haha. 

In conclusion of this whole thing, whatever it is, the question is not whether or not I want to get married or even if I will ever get married, but it is the question of what is Your will God?  

Not my will, but Yours be done.  

So some folks have been trying to set me up or have me go on blind dates or meet their son which is fine and I don't mind it, and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't.  But if and when I do or don't, I will have my reasons (of which I seek to know for better clarity), and I will make mistakes along the way, but I trust God and have to remember He is in control.  Not to mention that my options at present seem pretty undesirable (as a pastor's daughter the pool of men is drawn mostly from missionaries!!! Ahh!  I have to trust God.). Haha there's nothing wrong with being a missionary's son for me--especially since I'm a missionary's daughter--unless you live somewhere yucky and you make no money and you don't shower regularly.  So maybe God is changing that in me, but it will be His timing and my submission to His will.  Honestly, at this point if you were like this hot Australian missionary ANYWHERE and you loved Jesus I would follow you to the slums of India.  Hahaha.  Probably. 

All I know is that the truth is the truth and the truth will lead me into freedom and life.  And so far that's the truth as far as I know it.  So whether you make money or not, whether you're tall or short (though I really hope that one doesn't change) or whether you are the kind of man I mentioned above or not, it makes no difference because God will have His way.  All I am is how much of Him is in me.  And I want someone who loves Jesus as much as I do.   I'm pretty sure I'm single for a reason haha.  The more I love Jesus the more I begin to want other things more rightly.  And this goes for my food choices, sleeping hours, time spent exercising, time spent studying or meeting people, friend choices, job choices, attitude choices and so on....everything.  

So all my single ladies and men, just love Jesus. If that means figuring out what love really is then start searching God's word about love.  Start understanding what God says love is.  Seek understanding and wisdom in all things under submission to God leading you.  Be confronted.  Cry.  Get angry and settle it with God.  Feel your fears and ask God to show you how to fear rightly.  And that is something only you can know is real or not.  Perfect love casts out fear.  

When love for others and God overtakes you and starts to surprise you and not be a task, then call me.  If I say no, then I say no.  God is having His way.  Rest in that.  (And I totally do not get asked out ...like hardly ever haha probably cuz I'm at home reading most of the time.) 

Haha and then I feel like...gosh with standards like that I'll never get a call.  But not what I will, but God's will be done.  :) 

That's how I feel about being single.

Who knows what will have changed in me a year from now.  Maybe I'll blog about it. 

PS:  about being tall, I don't mean to offend you if you're short because I know plenty of guys who only like tall girls or rail thin girls or whatever, and I'm not any of those things either.  So please don't take offense, and if you do I'm sorry.  I'm being honest.  God will change me if He so wills.  And anyway, the girl for you will just not be me if I never change.  That's the worst that could happen.  Haha.  Which will be good for you.  

Jmegrey 

How many sins do you have?

To be a sinner is to have an infinite amount of sins, meaning sins that take you into eternal condemnation (Hell forever).  

To be saved is to have an infinite cover over those sins, and only an infinite righteousness could cover an infinite sinfulness.  

In other words, you have an infinite amount of sins, and God alone can give you an infinite amount of righteousness to cover them, so do not fear the amount of sin that you find is really in you (because it's infinite!!).  Rather, when you see your sins under the lens of the gospel you will gloriously find the amount of righteousness covering you as well!  

I'm not proud to be a sinner, I'm proud to be covered in the blood of Him who saved me. 

Jmegrey 

Get love, get God, get God, get love.

So I'm reading this book by Geri Scazzero and I realize that God led me to this book (since everything is His doing and my receiving in joy) and I realized that my sadness is one of the greatest gifts I have to offer to others for the glory of God. 

She writes,

"Experiencing my own sadness has enabled me to be more compassionate toward the sadness of others. I am now convinced this is one of the greatest gifts I have to offer. Think about it. How can you enter into the pain of others if you have not entered into your own? How can you offer the comfort of Jesus Christ if you have not experienced it yourself?"

So true!  I have noticed a profound difference in the way I feel the pain of others because of having gone through my pain!  I also know how the comfort that Christ gave me was the source of healing I needed that I now offer to others who are in pain.  But first, before I offer Jesus to be their comfort I have to be in their pain and bring the gift of my genuine sadness (something I was given by God to offer as a pleasing sacrifice to Him!). God has gifted you and I in very unique ways to bring Jesus to others.  

Walk in your gifts and you will be a light to the world that points most authentically to Jesus, the lover of your soul. 

Maybe your gift is anger or maybe your gift is fear.  These are all good things that turned bad because of sin.  However, when you are reckoned with by God and restored by His blood, these things begin to be your weapons for righteousness.  The attributes you once hated become what you now love!  Haha.  

Seek God not to take away your gifts but to walk in them for good.  How can you be angry in a righteous way that brings honor to God?  How can you fear with the fear that leads to wisdom that honors God? 

I definitely think I have the gift of sadness haha...in more biblical terms this is probably referred to as the gift of compassion or mercy. 

The cool thing about knowing your gifts is not only helping people see Jesus more beautifully with them, but you also begin to see others who have the same gifts...and some that might think they do but do not.  I don't mean that in a condescending or judgmental way, but if someone is trying to be something they are not for God's kingdom then it is more loving to direct them toward their own actual gifts for the purpose that is one.  

I am just like my dad in that I thrive off of studying God's Word for hours and hours and hours, especially for those moments when logic and reason click in my head--like a joy-drug.  But I'm also just like my mom in that I love doing all of that in the comfort of my own home where I am free to take sporadic naps, eat what I want, and relax in my pajamas.  Haha.  

That just cracks me up.  But on the more serious side, I can begin to see the areas where I am also like my parents in the ways that are still sinfully broken and need grace.  I don't need to name those because you probably know them already.  I'm as bad as you think I am and worse than that.  

The point is, do you see how it all works itself out in God's perfect plan?  

Loving one another is the surest way to litmus test your life in Christ.  Consequently it is the answer to God's will being done in everything no matter what, because love is not something we can do on command.  How you love others is to show you (not them) how you love God, and this reveals why Jesus had to die to save us.  The law containing the command to love was impossible for us, until Jesus took it away and showed us the way to get God....which is the way to get love to be able to love others.  And it's not what you do for others but how you feel towards them that gives you assurance of real love blossoming in your heart.  Love is impossible for humans to have for one another by sheer will power, because God is love and nobody controls God.  God controls us.  That will either frighten you or be the most glorious thing to believe!  Real love is real...everyone loves love! I'm just trying to point out real love.  If you love God then you will not be able to help yourself loving others.  Haha. Everyone becomes incredibly valuable and needed in the perfect way God created us to be. We can enjoy real love only when we receive real love first.  Do you have love?

Get love, get God, get God, get love.  

Jmegrey