Adventuretime

This morning, after a whirlwind weekend of social events one after the other, all I wanted to do was stop.  I don't like being so busy that I can't take a moment to soak in the people and places I've seen and talked with.  (That and I usually don't like anticipating busyness) I felt tired and a bit heady...like I couldn't figure out what I wanted, and maybe that was a good thing.  If I didn't know then I might do what I thought was best, rather than having a desire and doing what I wanted to get it.  (That will only make sense if you've read my previous posts and know that I tend to be quite relentlessly selfish by nature). Anyway, it's been a really heartfelt thanksgiving because I truly went to each dinner with the sincere sense that I missed the people I spoke with.  More than a social thing it was a people thing, lots of laughing, deep conversations, delicious turkey, and of course good photos for my insta-editing hobby ;)

Now I'm here, and asking God: what's going on in my life now and with/during this past weekend with You?  

There were several moments I had dialogued with God at the different places I went to, and sometimes I realized afterward that there were moments (hours long) that I didn't think about or talk to Him at all.  For me, that's unpleasant because all the things I enjoy are much more enjoyable when they are rich in meaning and part of a piece of God's promises happening in my life.  Being aware of His goodness is like receiving letters from friends in faraway places. 

So I asked the Lord, how are we?  Cuz it's been pretty chill and cozy lately...I feel like I'm in the sweatpants and movie nights at home stage with God--so comfortable and free to be at ease.  It's sweet.  Yet when I asked the Lord this morning where we were in our relationship I felt Him say that it's been the sweatpants and movie nights thing, but "how about we go on an adventure?"  I was a little taken aback, I mean, that sounds really great to me, but I wasn't sure what He meant.  It didn't feel like "lets go on a trial or a lesson or a period of suffering in order to mature" but it literally was an adventure...like hiking in Peru or crashing someone's festive wedding reception.  It was all about having thrills and a good time. 

Three things stood out to me about the adventure God wanted to take me on.

1.  A risk or risks would be taken

2.  Good company

3.  And a surprise 

That was pretty much it.  I heard it, I agreed and the rest, as usual, is God's doing and my living it.  

A risk sounds a bit scary, but if it didn't involve a risk it wouldn't quite be an adventure.  

We shall see where God takes me.  :) 

I am absolutely loving the weather.  This is adventure inducing weather indeed! 

Oh and I'm almost done with my first semester at theology school.  I have a few projects and papers to finish this week, then final exams, but I need to take it one day at a time.  Sipping Joe and writing in between.

Perhaps God is preparing tons of adventures and looking for people to participate in them?  If so, just remember the three things: 

1.  Risk

2.  Good company

3.  Surprise

Maybe it's happening right now,

Jmegrey

In the desert

Psalm 139

Lord, you know all of me, and you made my inward parts.  You know what worries me and you know the offenses in me.  Please reveal them to me in a way that I will repent and turn from them.  Please be gentle with me.  I know I still fear the lack of control over pleasures, but lead me into understanding more deeply that Your love is great and given to me everyday.  Give me a thankful perspective. 

---

God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. 

(Psalms 63:1 HCSB)

The desert scares me.  Being without water and feeling physically faint sounds horrifyingly helpless and near death.  

I asked God in prayer to give me a thankful perspective.  I wanted to understand more in order that through understanding I would be convinced of letting go of more of my desire to be prepared, in control, and self-preserving.  I knew that God wanted me to trust in Him, but so much was unsure that I just wasn't convinced enough, didn't understand enough, to let go of what I knew was stifling my spirit.  I am definitely in the desert, but I kept my eyes shut tight in order to protect myself from knowing this.  I think I wanted to believe that I shouldn't be in the desert, I should be by the streams of living water, "I should be the tree in psalm 1!" I wanted to be peacefully resting in a valley with bright blue skies and tall blades of grass.  

Not in the desert.

This just can't be right.

And because I thought it couldn't be right I kept trying to imagine it away, closed my eyes, plugged up my ears, and even made prayers to God that He was good to have placed me where I was.  But the truth prevailed and no matter how hard and creative I got at pretending I was somewhere else, I was here: in the desert.

And the Lord, gently answered my prayer this morning.  Because opening my eyes I saw that was parched and thirsty and I needed him so badly.  Or goodly? Hehe. 

I mean I felt the dryness.  I felt the lostness.  I didn't just feel, but I saw, I knew, and I understood that this was the desert, and the more I realized it the more I sought the Lord for help, and the more I understood that this meant I was pretty powerless to change the situation.  Here, in the desert, I'm forced to be dependent on God.  To wait for Him because that is all I can do to get out.   There is no other way, because before my eyes I see only dry desert in every direction.  I might catch a glimpse of one of those false watery facades in the distance, but I've chased enough down to know at this point that it's useless, because there's nothing there.  All I can do is look around, see where I am, and understand...I need God to rescue me.

God may have placed me here for this very purpose, perhaps somewhere along the way in my life I had grown quite comfortable with the world.  I was not at odds with their ideals and their pleasures, although I may have been against some of their morals or methods, it was still not so distinctly and exceedingly differing.  I was matriculating, again, and in that God used His Father-card on me and placed me in the desert to understand where I had gone wrong. 

I rarely learn the first time around, and pretty much never learn when someone just tells me...I learn best when I make a mistake and get cut really bad from it, so bad that I never forget how terrible it was to be there in the end, and how I never want to be there again.  But even when I experience that, I know that I still need help because some ends just come with different skins.   Really, there are two ultimate ends in life: misery and joy.  Then there are two ends after death: Heaven and hell.

But seeing as we can't make much to change the ends after death, I'll touch only on the ones mentioned during our time of living, since ultimately misery leads to hell and joy leads to heaven.  

We've all been at both ends.  I've had my share of misery and I've had plenty of joy in life.  

The strange and elusive part is how I somehow always think that joy should lead to joy ends and that misery will lead to misery ends (excluding death).  However, the fact that has become repetitively apparent to me (and to probably everyone) is that in order to reach joy you have walk through misery.  And when you walk past joy you then have misery.  

This truth is made famous by sayings like : "good things come in small packages" or "no pain no gain" and a million more that you probably can think of.  

The point of all this is that God brought me to the desert, and instead of opening my eyes to His leading I had tried so hard to deny it.  Because I associated it with badness.  I didn't just trust Him as I should have, because I trusted my instincts more.  And perhaps that is what I had been doing for a while which had God leading me here to be corrected.  

So I prayed for understanding, and although I had my idea of what understanding would be like, I got it in a way I didn't expect.  I thought it would just click in my head, over a cup of coffee, while I had christian music playing in the background.  But no, this understanding is acceptance of my situation, and my position.  I am in the desert, and there's nothing I can do about it except turn fully to God for His help.  What else can I do?  Who can help me but God?  Can money help me? Can beauty save me? Can other people who are also lost help me?  Can even my bank of knowledge give me ideas?  The only response that makes sense in all that I have, see and understand is God alone can save me. 

Hands open in a parched land within me, I seek God.  

Here I am Lord, I see where I am, I understand.  Now what? 

PS: please be gentle. 

Jmegrey

Prayer

I get so distracted, Lord my mind loses hold of You and I don't even check to see when it happened.

Nothing is as sweet to my eyes and my ears and my mouth as Your voice speaking to me, but still I find myself time and time again back in the garbage digging around for things I threw away.  Why did I end up here but for my own carelessness in seeking You every day.  I don't want to lose the treasure of knowing You intimately.  

My heart gets cold and dead, and I start to feel the pain of distance from You.  I want to be near You, and in Your complete words that fill my mouth and spirit with sweetness.  I can forget how You spoke to me, because Your words brought life and joy, peace and courage to my crushed spirit.  You fed me daily with Your truth of who You are, and what You do with those that are soon to be with You in eternity.  How You watch their every thought, protect their kingdom hearts, and know a trial before it touches them.  You know when I rise and when I go out, You see when I move and hear what I say before the words leave my lips.  God, You are always present, always watching, and Your presence is there even if I don't always sense or remember it is You. 

The days are evil because they do much to help me forget.  I forget the instant I feel alone, or the instant physical pain discomforts me, but I forget most when I harbor sin inside of me, cherishing it for the temporary consolation and companionship it brings.  Lord, You know these things already, and You know my thoughts deep within that go against Your power and Your Name.  So I pray for ever more grace and compassion to be shown to me, and I confess, I admit Lord, that I am unwilling to give You all of me, I admit that I am afraid You might harm me, I admit that I have doubts that linger in the crevices of my mind that You see me, and I admit that I don't always want to do what is right because I don't trust that You know better than I do.  Lord, my heart is black and my mind guards it.  Jesus only You can save me from myself.

“He is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them” 

(Hebrews 7:25).

Christ You live always to intercede on behalf of those who call on You.  I cannot tear down the guards in my mind, nor can make what is dark in my heart to be light, only You can do all this, and I pray that You do this for me today....and every time in after when I forget. 

even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to You. For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalms 139:12-13 HCSB)

You know me because You made all of me.  Every thought, word, desire and gift to make something for Your kingdom, but when I use those means for other ends I am the one who suffers.  Remind me that You are good and that Your love is great, because I it is, and I know this is true, but I forget because of the weakness in me. 

Weakness that brings me to my knees and also drives away my inclination toward exalting myself.  I am nothing without You.  I shrivel apart from You.  Nothing I do on my own amounts to anything lasting because You alone are forever, and by Your grace You've shown me well that fleeting pleasures end up in the garbage, but eternal treasures and knowing You are worth everything I have.  My entire life is but a small price to pay for the glory of riches that You give me, and when You speak I am firmly reminded of this epic reality.

Lord, my prayer is this: that You would speak to me, and open my mind to hear Your words.

Peel off my expectations, sweep away my doubts, swaddle  my weaknesses in Your arms, and when I close my eyes from the sin in me, I pray You kill all of it with Your mighty hand so that when I open my eyes I will see desolation of what You have slaughtered for me.  It is always another sweet reminder of how You are my refuge and the One who goes before me, You are mighty to save, it is You who makes the darkness light, and only You.  

Again, I pray, Father speak so that I listen.  Bring back Your promises into my mind and write them upon my heart.   May I never be far from Your words that powerfully protect me.  Every thing will end at some point, but Your words are forever. 

Do I get to have Your words and be filled by them so that I do not fade as well? 

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Life was in Him, and that life was the light of men. 

(John 1:1, 4 HCSB)

You gave Your life to give me light, and I thank You....I thank You with words in prayer now, because that's what I have right now, but when the time comes and I am given (by You) an opportunity to thank You in some other form (serving, giving money, singing, whatever it may be) I pray that You subtly remind me of how I can give You thanks with what I am given.  All of me is Yours and that's what makes my life light up.  

Speak Lord, search my heart, know my way, and if there is any part of me that is not in You, take it down. 

:)

In Jesus' name I pray, 

Amen.

Jmegrey

Fear

I used to be so afraid of my fears.

Fear of my self preservation,

Fear of my future, 

Fear of losing things or never attaining goals,

Fear of screwing up,

Fear of offending,

Fear of failing,

Fear of becoming ugly (does that mean I think I'm pretty, maybe),

Fear of rejection,

Fear of abandonment, 

Fear of missing out or losing out,

Fear of dying,

Fear of disappointing,

Fear of being poor,

Fear of never even trying,

Fear of living a meaningless life,

So many fears...,

You can see why I just wanted to get rid of fear, 

But now that's not what I want, nor what I believe that God wants.

I don't want to live my life fearlessly....

I want to live my life fearing God. 

Fear is a human capacity that every human being has, and how we use that fear is something we can choose to glorify God.  Not to be changed or to avoid worrying, albeit those are highly probable blessed outcomes, but to choose to turn my fear from everything and to fear God alone is best when it is solely to know how much God loves me. 

I love when I fear God, because it is in those moments that I feel His love most powerfully present and so profoundly real.  

Jmegrey

Heaven hearts and body parts

And answering they said to Him, "Where, Lord?" And He said to them, "Where the body is, there also the vultures will be gathered." 

(Luke 17:37 NASB)

It feels like a knife sinking into my heart draining all the blood from within until a small thinning puddle is left making me weak and unable to stand.  Depleting the body of its habitual pleasures is a violent kind of obedience.  It's not self control or discipline, but it's dying.  The process of "bleeding out" is the scary part.  Spiritually bleeding out until you are emptied of all your previous desires, previous goals, previous worries, and previous concerns for the future.  Giving your body over to the vultures, because in the end that's the only place the body will be.  In the mouths of vultures, your body will rot and decay.  Yet for now, while the body lives it feels right to think it will continue living forever, but everyone knows that time ages us, our bodies age, wrinkle, crinkle, sag and start smelling like death.  The scent of old age is a reminder that death comes to us all even if we manage to stay alive until our heads turn grey and our eyelids droop.  Jesus told his disciples to always be mindful of this reality, and to let it bring hope and joy rather than apathy and anxiety.  Hope because there is a new life that overflows with joy after we have spent our time here investing in eternity, storing up our treasures in Heaven by the means of money and resources given to us on earth.  We are all stewards sowing into the kingdom that God has graciously prepared for His people.  God sees the heart, and "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Luke 12:34 NASB)

What does that mean?  Where you treasure is there your heart will be also.  It means where your mind wanders to, where your money is spent, where your goals lie, all of those things help us see where our treasure is.  Are we treasuring eternity or the decaying body?  Are you treasuring the hope and joy God gives you today?  I know for myself fear tries to put me in a chokehold and feed me worry after worry until I can't help but vomit despair.  I easily forget that there is hope and joy beyond the life that is leading to the vultures.  I don't mean to sound morbid, but I'm speaking about our sense of invincibility and how it deludes us into thinking we have to "live it up", "yolo", and so forth as an excuse to get what we want now before it's too late. 

It's already too late, because those pleasures and desires cripple our hearts.  They make us believe a lie that having this or experiencing that is what will carry us in life, but when have you ever felt like getting what you wanted made you rest in contentment?  Rather, didn't it and doesn't it stress you out always trying to get what you want?  Always thinking "if only I had this or her/him, that, THEN I wouldn't feel this way."  We worry ourselves to death because of the things we don't yet have, and that is how it is already too late the moment our treasures are for the things in this life.  Too late, they vanish quickly.  Too late, they will never satisfy you to rest.  Too late, they will not stay with you on your deathbed.  These will all be left in the mouths of vultures, and Jesus is telling those who will listen to Hear Him.  Listen to His words and let the truth of His words bring life and light to your eyes!  Hope and joy are what He plants in the core of our hearts as we begin to treasure real treasure.  

But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. (Luke 12:31-33 NIV)

That is what worry does to me.  

Fear is the knife, and worry is the blood leaving my heart.

Lifeless.  Let fear stab you, because all of us were made to fear, it is a human capacity meant for our protection.  We fear a bear in the woods rather than amuse it, because it has the power to kill us.  Then we fear people, rent, or unemployment because they have the power to make us poor or homeless or hurt if we don't act accordingly.  Yet how many of us fear God?  

"But I’ll tell you whom to fear. Fear God, who has the power to kill you and then throw you into hell. Yes, he’s the one to fear."

 (Luke 12:5 NLT)

God is not a fluffy genie who will just hand out lollipops and flowers when we die.  God is a just God who created the universe under His authority and rule.  He is the king, and we are His subjects by definition.  Our King came to earth and died for us so that we would turn from our sin and acknowledge Him, because He so loved us and wanted us to be with Him forever.  However God and sin cannot coexist in eternity.  Our sin makes us unable to be in His presence, but when Christ died He took all our sins (past, present and future) upon Himself and clothed us in His perfection.  We were given the choice to not just depart from our old self, like a divorce, but to completely die to it and live in a kind of waiting position in Christ on this earth.  We live in Christ, only ...I repeat ONLY after we have died to our old self.  Now that doesn't mean we become floating spirits residing in a human body of Christ, rather it's the other way around.  Although we die and live in Christ, He is the one that dwells in our bodies and what it means to be "in Him" is our eternal heart (as mentioned above: our time, our goals, how we spend our money) are all in Him.  Inwardly, we place our core in Him who is in us, while outwardly our bodies inevitably continue in time and space reaching old age and eventually death.  The part about dying is our hearts.  It's a difficult thing to give up our hearts, as I'm sure most of us can attest to the fear of rejection when dating or pursuing some kind of human relationship (even as friends).  And so when Christ tells us to Give Him our whole hearts, we naturally recoil in self preservation and fear.  God is patient and kind.  He knows you better than anyone else.  He is not like your earthly father, your boss, your friend, or your lover, but He is your maker and the one who died for you.  

It will not do to just make a decision about believing in Jesus, and then working our way into being "good" followers--which is like divorce or separation (luke 16:18), but it will mean dying in our hearts and getting the heart that beats eternally for eternal treasures, essentially we receive heavenly hearts. 

Everything.

Every thing changes.

For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 

(Luke 12:23 NIV)

In other words, all the things we want and worry about to be comfortable and survive and thrive are things that really have no value when compared to the treasures of God. 

Of course after a good night's rest I'm brand new, and it feels silly to have feared and worried in the night, but I know from the past that it should not be taken in how I feel in the morning.  Out of sight and out of mind does not mean out of commission.  A mere separation from my fears is not the solution.  Dying in my heart (where all that fear is based) is the only and beautiful way to be in Christ--have an utterly new heavenly heart. 

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. 

(Luke 8:15 NIV)

Hear what Jesus says, give Him your broken heart for a heart that beats unending, and albeit maintaining the body which your new heart must reside in for the time being, be reminded that faith is not what we see with our bodily senses, but know in your heavenly hearts where your treasure is.  

Persevere in the body, be present in Christ. 

Jmegrey

God says and it happens.

What can go wrong when you submit to the fact that God is really God and that nothing happens without His knowing?

Nothing.

Instead, you should say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

 (James 4:15 HCSB)

Rather than worrying today, rest assured that good or bad, God's will is working itself out as it always has since the beginning of creation.  Whatever happens happens under His allowing it to happen, and we can trust that His will is indeed good and perfect because He is God, not to mention He gave up His only Son out of a fierce love for us!  If He gave up His Son for us, then whatever else happens to us today or tomorrow or whenever will be weak against what God will do to keep us in His perfect will. 

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. 

(Romans 12:2 HCSB)

Remain in this truth and be like a tree firmly planted by the stream of this truth.

The season change and God may allow some dry times to hit, but He is the river of Life that you stay yourself to that will never leave you.  It is eternally life-giving.

Endure the fruitless days, and put your trust in His power, His love for you, His grace to forgive your sins, and His power to bring all things under His will for His glory and for your hope. 

Therefore, brothers, be patient until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth and is patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains. You also must be patient. Strengthen your hearts, because the Lord’s coming is near. (James 5:7-8 HCSB)

Strengthen your hearts by the truth.

I pray you find rest in the good and the bad that happens to you, God is deeper than what appears on the surface. 

All things are subject to Christ Jesus, and in Him we remain like a tree, firmly planted. 

He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself. 

(Philippians 3:21 HCSB)

The now is not the forever. 

But the forever is forever.

But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

 (James 1:4 HCSB)

And lastly, since I'm studying the book of luke:

By your endurance gain your lives. (Luke 21:19 HCSB)

God speaks, and the truth of His words shall never pass away...even when all things are destined to die out, His words will remain true.  

Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away. 

(Matthew 24:35 HCSB)

Endure and gain your lives.  God says it!

Jmegrey

Bad days

I'm afraid of a bad day, but I was struck by the fact that without any bad days I won't know what a good day is, really.  I'll just have a bunch of whatever days, nothing to rejoice over because there were no risks involved.  No real victories if there isn't a battle.  

Thinking about it made me feel silly that I was so afraid of a bad day.  Instead bad days are what make good days great days.  Perhaps even a spectacular day.  I love spectacular days, but I can only remember them as a child, and that's just not okay.  I'm not talking about a good day like a promotion or winning an award or anything like that.  I mean spectacular in that it's so good you are lost and contentment just overflows.  I remember...

I was maybe 9 or 10, in the living room on the floor and fully engulfed in the adventures of the boxcar children.  While I was reading I could hear plinking and plunking of pots and pans that were good because they were the sound of "mother is here".  I would be reading and the smell of slightly browned chocolate chip cookies would create music in the atmosphere.  But my favorite was when I had been lying on my back with the book held above my head, so enamored by the story that when I finally finished my arms would sort of reconnect with my body and I would laugh realizing I was straining the entire time, and they'd fall like frozen jelly to the floor.  I would laugh so hard, utterly in a bubble of bliss.  

The most spectacular thing about that time was the fact that I had everything I wanted, and so I was freaking elated at frozen jelly arms!

But life chokes us with false securities, false threats, false desires that claim to fulfill us.  More money, a better body, a relationship, a specific accomplishment, etc!  All that makes it impossible to be content with jelly arms.  You know?  How can you take joy in the fact that what you have is enough when you focus on what you should have instead?  Sure we need money to pay rent and feed ourselves, we need to cultivate our relationships well, and accomplishments are nice, but none of those things will happen by worrying.  In fact all of those things will bring in bad days as well as good, but right now there is something of true value that will last forever.  It's sweeter than honey, and it's more desirable than whatever you view as precious as gold.  It is the Word of the Lord.  

God is good and in Him there are the most spectacular days.  

So don't be afraid to have a bad day. It'll pass, and the when the good day rolls around you'll have reason to savor every moment.  Every good day will turn into a great day, every blessing will be a surprise gift from God.  A surprise to you, but definitely intentional from God. 

Let the bad days come, and let them go, because they will leave regardless of what you do.  They'll come regardless too.  And that's the way it is and in the meantime find strength as you run to the Lord in every rough season, in every bad day. 

Don't be afraid.

It's scary to let things go because they might go bad, but if you hold on to that false security you not only miss out on the great days, but you bog yourself down with worry and fear.  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

No rush, just let the Word of the Lord take residence in you, and meditate on His spectacular love for you.

I pray you be transformed today by the power of the Holy Spirit.  

It's not your job to control the universe, but you can run to Him who does.  Ask Him what's up with this?  And let the bad days come and let them go.  Let the good days get spectacular. 

Jmegrey. 

Time debunked.

My subtle attempt at passing time peacefully and without fear of being unproductive has been nothing short of hilarious and wise.  

As a student the work is never ending, and there is always something that needs to be done (I have three reports of substantial length to begin, readings unending, and spiritual applications to ponder on), but what I find I need most is to be still.  I spent a good amount of time studying, and now I feel like I need to contemplate on my spirit.  Where is this taking me today?  What am I learning that I can slowly but honestly apply right now?  Is everything mostly in the future or are some learned things applicable to the now?  It must be!  Otherwise what am I doing but chasing potential?  No, I am not running this time, but I'm relating.  I'm resting in His presence.  I'm taking time to find the sureness of my complete self already in the relationship I have with God.  Tomorrow and later on I can contemplate my relationship with others, but today I'll take time to be swept by the Divine.  In my mind He utilizes the direction of my thoughts with scripture and reflection, and reminders.  Through my eyes He shows me the color changing sky and the pale moonlight glow.  My nose takes in the scent of oak trees and green leaves.  I hear the voices of people kicking a soccer ball, having pleasant conversations, and laughter...and a train somewhere in the distance.

All is well, right here in the faculties of my spirit with the Lord, albeit my stomach hurts a bit, but the body has never been on friendly terms with my spirit! Haha they seem constantly at odds, and I've gradually learned the value in their differences as well as the value in their respective pleasures.  The pleasures of the spirit and the pleasures of the body differ vastly within my senses, but one springs from eternity while the other is temporary.  That alone makes the spirit's pleasures far more, exceedingly, worthy of my aims.  The pleasures of the body, quick and familiar as they comfortably are, leave their trace of death upon me like the burnt scent that sticks to your hair and clothes after a BBQ.  (Only much worse) 

So the sighing and the sitting and staring all let loose on this 5:23pm evening, 30 minutes before my next class. 

And it's okay.  I'm not doing homework or reading or studying or texting or feeling anxious.

I am listening, smelling, tasting, seeing, and feeling the textures of God's presence here, right now without a future goal in mind.  Time is of the Lord, and therefore time with the Lord is a goal completed in itself.  

Where would I be without You Lord?  Always chasing and trying, but with You I am still, and all is as it should be...You rule over everything.

How loving others is freeing

Just write.

Sometimes I forget, scratch that, everyday I forget (unless I am continually reminded) that I am complete.  

My thoughts are really a torrent.

I love when it rains because I can hear the water fall on my window and on the pavement below.  

Rain reminds me that God is real.

My heart races at the idea of not having everything I want or need.  I suddenly become anxious, and all I want is to make that feeling in my head and in my heart go away.

...

The Christian lives on two planes (horizontal and vertical axis)

Vertical = with God

Horizontal = with people 

When we think sin has to do with our vertical status (our relationship with God) then we start Spiritual naval gazing-- how am I doing with God?  What am I doing?  Is God mad at me? Is God disappointed in me? Does God really love me?

All this is not looking out for anyone but myself.  This is a life of self-securing.  I can't be obsessed with me and serve you (let alone God for that matter!). It's a clever trick of the devil to use our piety as a distraction from our freedom in Christ.  That has been the case for me, at least. 

 In the Old Testament God said that when His people repented He would heal them, because He already knew they'd screw up.  He sent the storms and trials to break them off from their self-securing delusions--which only lead to that cycle of shame, guilt and deflation.

"If I close the sky so there is no rain, or if I command the grasshopper to consume the land, or if I send pestilence on My people, and My people who are called by My name humble themselves, pray and seek My face, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land."(2 Chronicles 7:13-14 HCSB)

God wanted them to be free, but self security and chasing other things enslaved them.

God's people kept falling away, kept sinning, but God knew and had a plan set in motion from even before Israel was chosen.  God knew they would be terrible sinners.  Just like God knows I am a terrible sinner incapable of "doing right" consistently...so far be it from me that that should be what His love hinges on! 

He sent His Son to take away our sin despite human actions, in order to give us eternal life by believing in Him.  Then with our sin atoned for we are graciously given directives in how to live freely horizontally.  The saved person is saved because they believe in Jesus, and now the gift that comes with salvation is not only for life after death but life on earth.  The kingdom of God on earth.

For example a generous person that gives has more freedom than a greedy person that is constantly trying to get! 

Mark 9:1 - And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.  

Matthew 12:28 - But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you.

Matthew 6:10 - Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as [it is] in heaven.

Luke 17:21 - Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

Luke 11:20 - But if I with the finger of God cast out devils, no doubt the kingdom of God is come upon you.

Christ brought the Kingdom on earth, first through His incarnation that then led to the gift of the Holy Spirit for all who believed.  The Holy Spirit is the kingdom in me because I have access to God the Father at all times.  A kingdom is not just a plot of land or a castle with other houses around it.  A kingdom is wherever a king lives.  If the King lives in us, albeit spirit-form, then the kingdom is within us.  Better to be in spirit than in the physical because the spirit is eternal whereas the physical is temporary.  

Therefore, in regards to all the exhortations made about serving others- these are not instructions for the vertical life, but for the freedom in horizontal living (life on earth with others).

Freedom is light, slavery is a heavy burden.

Light life is not trying to get, because you already have everything which is the kingdom of God who owns everything.  Getting rather than giving makes it strenuous to love anyone else.  Good works are there for us to do to help set us free from the getting-ness!  It has, I would say, nothing to do with piety!  Forget about being pious, because you're incapable of that!  But piety is IMPARTED passively to us when we partake in Christ, in other words when we follow his directives for walking in the freedom He gave us.  

We are trying to get God to serve us by "doing right".  In other words we have a transaction based mindset.  My piety for God's love and forgiveness.  When we live "good spiritually" banking on our piety--we feel good and therefore something inside us feels like we now have earned or deserved God's love, in that way God's love depends on us not on His grace!  That's heresy! 

Is it up to me to do right and stay on God's good side?? If so I'm in trouble because my "goodness" never lasts for very long, and it's a cycle of shame, guilt and deflation.  I literally feel deflated over and over again...until the truth of the gospel is once again made clear.  I do not do good works to enter into God's family on my abilities, but I do good works because I already belong to Him.  There is a monumental difference!!

The moment that difference is blurred is the moment I am blinded by morality/legality and spiritual "naval gazing".  I look at myself, my position, my status as a Christian, my feelings, my sin and struggles, my, my, me.  I become a slave to sin disguised as piety. 

Rather...

Keep the difference always before you!  Vertically you are good and complete, having all you need because Christ is in you and you are heirs to the kingdom.  However, horizontally you need help and guidance to live among other sinners who are just like you.  They need God.  

Good works that flow from faith are not part of the transaction with God-- but is for the freedom to love others. 

Christ has set me free, so I can freely live!  And He graciously shows me how:  By loving others.

"Fruit of faith Therin be showing

That thou art to others loving,

To thy neighbor thou wilt do

As God in love hath done to you."

-Luther

Much thanks to pastor Tullian who helped delineate these things for me through his series on the book of Romans.