A short story: Sasha's Locket

Sasha never got to know her parents.  They were taken from her when she was 8 years old in a plane crash, and from there she kept a photo of them in a necklace that she wore.  The photos had long since faded, but she mindfully reassured herself that they were still intact.  She would put her fingers up to the locket, too afraid to open it, afraid her mental reassurance would get shattered at the sight of how faded the photos were.  But deep, deep down, she knew their faces were no longer there.  The photos were just as good as blank pieces of paper.  But she didn't want to feel silly about it, so she kept her mind focused on the way the necklace was so familiar to her fingers.  She wanted to think the photos were fine, everything was going to be fine.  

When Sasha turned 12 she met a boy.  At the time she was living with an aunt who was always watching television and bought enough microwaveable meals to last a good while.  As Sasha came home, she went to the fridge and pulled out a small cardboard box with a picture that read "fettuccine Alfredo."  As she put it in the microwave she couldn't help but walk to the sofa where her aunt sat watching a commercial about dog biscuits.  

"Aunt Rachel, I think I like a boy at school." She said surprisingly without hesitance. 

Aunt Rachel's eyes stayed on the screen as the commercial was showing the dog biscuits in different flavors.  

"Oh, that's nice.  Should I get a dog?"

Aunt Rachel would never get a dog.  Aunt Rachel hated anything that required attention, and Sasha was well aware that the doom of a dog in the house would be bad.  It would pee everywhere, it would rip up the pillows, and it would shed its coat marking everything with a distinct scent.  Sasha remembered her dad saying those very words, when her mom brought home a new dog when she was only 3.  It was given to a neighbor 3 months later.  A dog would not do.  

"I think I'm allergic to dogs," Sasha lied.  

"Okay, I guess I won't be able to get a dog then."  Aunt Rachel made a gesture that looked like something Sasha's friend at school would make when someone was using the pencil sharpener and they'd say, "Well I guess I'm not sharpening my pencil then."

Sasha walked back into the kitchen.  She had forgotten about the fettuccini and when she opened the microwave the sauce had thickened and a thin layer of crusty yellowness had dried on top.  She grabbed a metal fork from the utensil drawer and broke through the crusty layer as she mixed it all up.

She finished her dinner and threw the wilting cardboard tray in the trash.  Then she washed her fork and made her way to her room.  Once inside she looked at her plain white dresser and for a minute she put her fingers up to her necklace.

"I met a boy at school today." She half whispered and half spoke in her mind.  She waited, she wanted to know what they thought, but there was no reply.  Sasha didn't have her parents anymore.  

When Sasha turned 17 she moved out of her Aunt Rachel's place.  She got accepted to a small college 4 hours away and had managed to save up enough to make it far enough for the first year.  She had worked at Pizza Palace and the tips added up, even though she now hated the smell of cardboard and pepperonis.  The boy Sasha liked in junior high ended up liking another girl 3 years after their progressing friendship, and he had let Sasha know.  She was Sasha's bully, Victoria.    

 

"How are you going to make it out there?"  Aunt Rachel said on the day Sasha stood at the doorway with her bags all packed in her car.  She wanted to give her aunt a hug because she was surprised to see that her aunt could actually stand.  

"I'll manage."  Sasha said with a dash of sarcasm. 

"Well, be careful and make sure you ....." Aunt Rachel's voice faded in the distance as Sasha watched her aunt's lips move and her eyes totally void of the goodbye twinkle she was searching for.  

Sasha never got to hear her Aunt say goodbye.  On the drive to her new school she periodically twirled the locket the way she always did.  It was familiar and habitual.  She didn't know what it was about her aunt, but she felt something was missing.  She couldn't quite put her finger on it, and that's when her fingers would naturally reach up to her necklace. 

"I'm going to college." She half spoke the words in her mind and at the space between her and the windshield.  Her fingers were wrapped around the locket, and instead of waiting for the response she once sought as a child, she let the words echo in her mind.  "I'm going to college."  Then she turned on the radio.

To be continued...

Prayer and a Word About Failing

Father Abba God,

Here I am.  

I stand before Your presence just as I am, a little full, a little constipated, and very overwhelmed at the vast confusions I face in my mind and in my life.  

What is going on?  

What am I to be doing to do Your will?  How do I love the way You want me to love from a pure heart when I am so double minded and always tainting my love with my thoughts.  

I desire to change.  

I desire to grow.  

How are You growing me in my circumstances?  

Are You training me for something later or are You weaning me off of something to get closer to the real You?  

Sigh.  

My eyes are tired and my body is sore.  

I feel defeated and slumped over at the heaviness of everything.  

The mountain seems too high and the ocean's waves are too tumultuous, but if You call me out I will go.  

Where are You so that I can follow Your voice?  I

 cannot-will not- move from here if I do not hear Your voice directing me.  

Lord, I repent of the ways in which I let my old desires reign in my life.  

My old masters and idols, my wavering doubts and my laziness, I repent Lord.  Jesus You are my Lord.  

You call the shots in my life, and I want to do what You tell me to do.  

I want to go where You tell me to go.  

I want to speak what You tell me to speak.  

Your words are here, right in my iPhone bible app, and I forget how accessible You are.  

Lead my time in the Word, and please guide my thoughts along a coherent line of understanding rather than heaps of too much information that I take and do not live out.  

Teach me today what Your will for me is.  What should I do today?  

How should I act?  

Where should I go?  

How can I use the gifts You've given me to bless someone else today?  

Please be near to my mind, speaking words of life and kicking out the words of death and lies that bombard me.  

Speak gently and tenderly so I know that it is You and not my self criticizing self getting in the way.  

Here I am Lord.  

Do to me what You will have me do, and give me the courage to do it, the awareness to enjoy doing it, and the grace to help me back up if I fail to do it.  Above all, pour Your rich and famous love in me so that my love for others is an overflow from that source.  

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen. 

Renewal of the Spirit:

"Therefore, 

since Christ suffered 

in the flesh, 

equip yourselves also 

with the same resolve — 

(because the one who suffered in the flesh has finished with sin) — *sin is powerless now and you are not bound to death because of it any longer, so there is nothing to fear, but to live freely.  I am free to do whatever I want, and I want to live for God even if I screw up every single day, I am free to screw up!  So I can live unto God as a failing servant, and He will never fire me or get rid of me for it. :). I am free to fail, which is good news for me because I happen to fail a lot! Haha.* 

in order to 

live the remaining time in the flesh, 

no longer for human desires, 

but for God’s will." 

1 Peter 4:1-2 

I can live FOR God's will, even if I am not DOING God's will successfully.  There is a difference.  Being For something and doing something is like when I am FOR a team, I cheer, I support, and I love that team, especially if that team represent my life--but I am not the team that is actually playing.  I am for them.  If I am doing what the team is supposed to be doing, I would not be free to mess up, and every fumble would be detrimental to the team- to my life.  However, if I am for the team, I might skip a day of showing up to their game, or I might miss a goal to cheer for, and that's okay.  I do what I can, when I can, and as best as I can because the team has my sincere love-my worth is in the team, and I get to enjoy the benefits of seeing my team succeed through every game.  Jesus is the team I am cheering for, and He never loses a game.  His victory is my victory, and my failings have nothing to do with His victory.   THAT is good news.  

We are all rooting for the same team!  So how could we NOT love one another if we all see our team scoring?  Being for God's will is to be fighting sin.  When we love one another, and maintain the intensity of that care and empowerment and intimacy with one another, we are rooting for our team and the opponents are being boo-ed (sin).  Loving others is how we "boo" sin.  If sin is around you, boo it and watch Jesus kill it for you! 

"Above all, 

maintain an intense love for 

each other, 

since love covers a multitude of sins." 

1 Peter 4:8

Friends and family, you and I are free to fail as a supporter of Jesus.  We are free to be FOR what Jesus does in our lives, not what we do.  He wins every time.  Be about that.  

-Jmegrey 

What is freedom?

John Piper said, in one of his podcast sermons, that the definition of freedom is 

The desire

The ability

And the opportunity 

To do what will make you happy in a 1000 years 

To desire and be able and have the opportunity to do what will make you happy

In a 1000 years.

Sounds lofty. 

In other words, freedom is doing what will make you happy for longer than a lifetime.  It is doing what will bring you to arrival at the highest, deepest, widest, lengthiest place of incredible joy. 

Freedom will leave you with no regrets--Forever. 

It's not freedom if you don't want to do it (no desire)

It's not freedom if you can't do it (no ability)

And it's not freedom if 

you have no occasion to do 

what you desire and are even able to do (no opportunity).

All three must be present. 

I want to do it, I can do it and I am doing it!  <---is that you?  Have you 

reached your final destination of "freedom?" (And Jesus has not returned yet so if you think you've reached your final destination, it can't be Jesus because He hasn't returned yet.). The freedom believers have is a freedom based on faith not feeling.  Feelings serve their purpose too, and it is my aim to redirect the redeemed purpose and function of our feelings.  Feelings get such a bad rep in both the secular and the Christian spheres.  Yet...how could something so prevalent and invading and powerful ...be tossed aside?  Are feelings sin?  No.  It does not say anywhere in scripture that if you feel you are sinning.  

We made that up because feeling is scary.  But in Christ we need not even fear our feelings!  So what are they?   

---------------

I feel unworthy or hesitant about the confidence I should have in Christ because of how real it feels that I am 

Failing

Lazy

Lonely

Behind

Dependent 

Messing up

Afraid 

These feelings taint my freedom, and rather make me feel trapped or stuck.

These beliefs in my heart 

are there in the midst of 

the chaos of my mind (when I desire- I do not do)

and my actions (when I can do- I do not desire)

and my planning.  (When I desire and can do- I do not have an opportunity)

Where is the Holy Spirit when I'm feeling these things?  

What is God doing with these things?  

What would it mean to not have one of these feelings anymore?  

How might God be sanctifying me through these feelings?  

How might God be using these feelings in me for good?

What must I be doing to cooperate with the Spirit?  

What is the truth?  

And how can I begin to believe it more? 

How can I begin to feel what I believe more? 

Or are the two always in opposition  

"For the message of the cross 

is foolishness 

to those who are perishing, 

-----why?

but it is God’s power 

to us who are being saved."

-----how?

For it is written: 

I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, 

and I will set aside the understanding of the experts. 

Where is the philosopher? 

Where is the scholar? 

Where is the debater of this age? 

Hasn’t God made the world’s wisdom foolish? 

For since, 

in God’s wisdom, 

the world did not know God through wisdom, 

God was pleased to save 

those who believe 

through the foolishness 

of the message preached. 

* We are saved THROUGH THE FOOLISHNESS of the message.  Meaning if we feel that it is foolish, that's exactly where we should be!  God made it to feel very foolish.  If it does not FEEL foolish, I might be concerned for what message you heard and believe in your heart?  It is not foolishness to believers, but it has a feeling of foolishness to it.  For others it probably doesn't feel like anything because they don't believe the message, it does not touch upon their feelings.  They are so far removed from the message that it IS FOOLISHNESS to them.  Literally, the message is foolish to them because it has nothing to do with them.  They don't need it- it's trash to them.  It means nothing to them.  And nothingness carries no feelings. 

For the Jews ask for signs 

and the Greeks seek wisdom, 

but 

we preach Christ crucified, 

a stumbling block to the Jews 

and foolishness to the Gentiles. 

Yet to those who are called, 

both Jews and Greeks, 

Christ is God’s power 

and God’s wisdom, 

because God’s foolishness 

is wiser than human wisdom, 

and God’s weakness 

is stronger than human strength. 

-1 Corinthians 1:18-25 HCSB

Brothers, consider your calling: 

*...think about what you're doing.

Where are you going today?

What are you working towards?

What are you trying to accomplish?

What is motivating you?

What are your genuine desires?

What are you actually able to do?

What opportunities are before you right now?

Where are you thinking you are supposed to be?

What do you think you should be doing?

What are you actually doing?*

Not many are wise from a human perspective, 

---so some are wise from a human perspective, and those that we think are wise we may try to copy.  Do you want to be like them, have their life, and then you'll be happy?  Maybe, but such thinking is futile because you are NOT THEM.  You are you, and that is the only starting place you can be.  

If you're not considered wise in the eyes of most people, that's because NOT MANY are!  Meaning God made it so that not many would be considered wise in human eyes- why? Because God was pleased to save those who would believe THROUGH FOOLISHNESS, to safeguard people from the delusion of thinking or feeling that they knew something that helped themselves be better!  It was to show them the way THROUGH FOOLISHNESS.  We know nothing.  If you're not of this grouping then discontinue reading.  If you have it all together and need nothing more than this will only waste your time.  

Believing and feeling are two very different things. 

You can feel you know nothing and still believe (faith), 

Or you can feel you know something and  believe (knowledge). 

-----

not many powerful, 

(Are you weak?  So am I)

not many of noble birth. 

(Are you not a somebody? Neither am I)

*God has made it this way for MANY of us, and instead of fighting to change what God has made (Ecc. 7:13) what can we consider to be the purpose behind why many of us find that we are weak, nobodies, and dumbfounded?  

Is considering another reason even an option for us in a world that highly classifies strong, smart, renown people as ....right and good?  

The best.  The goal.  Achieved.  Accomplished.  Winners-- we see these values and they look right and good, they feel right and good as goals.  However, they do not satiate our lives.  We move on, often with frustration or an gnawing need, to the next chasing after of useless goals because it feels so good and right to chase.  It feels hopeful.  

We chase and chase and chase and chase, trying to take off our sense of weakness, sense of being a nobody, and sense of confusion.  

God has said that He MADE IT this way!

Can we accept what God has made?  

If not, can we make straight what God has made crooked? 

"Consider the work of God, for who can straighten out what He has made crooked."

-Ecc. 7:13

The Spirit prays and intercedes for me here and gently says "stop trying to change what God has made, it will ABSOLUTELY NEVER happen- it cannot change, it will not change, and chasing after this hope is going to waste a lot of your life."  

And when I am relentlessly given this revelation of my weakness, being a nobody, and left utterly dumbfounded, I am left asking why.  Why God?  (At this point it's hard to call God my loving Father, because it feels so cruel to be blocked from what appears to be so good and right.)

Why do You show me this?  

Why have You made it this way--this difficult to cope with way? 

What are doing that is for me? 

Where is love in this crippling state of mind?

Why have you crippled me?! 

Why can't I be strong?!

Why can't I be a somebody?!

Why can't I be validated of my worth by others who know me?! 

Why can't I feel put together and accomplished?

...why must I be so needy? 

In this pocket of reality and heightened awareness all I can do to stop chasing is ask why.  In a slumped kind of way.  Too tired to even get angry.  Just stopped by God.  God has made it this way, and I know enough at this point that if He has made it this way there is no fighting God. 

Instead, 

God has chosen what is foolish in the world 

to shame the wise, 

and 

God has chosen what is weak in the world 

to shame the strong. 

God has chosen what is insignificant 

and despised in the world — 

what is viewed as nothing — 

to bring to nothing 

what is viewed as something, 

so that no one can boast in His presence.

*not even the ones we view as wise in our eyes--another reason we shouldn't waste our time comparing or desiring to have someone else's life. 

But it is from Him 

that you are in Christ Jesus, 

who became God-given wisdom 

for us — our righteousness, sanctification, 

and redemption, 

in order that, 

as it is written: 

The one who boasts 

must boast in the Lord. 

-1 Corinthians 1:26-31 HCSB

If the only way to freedom is by boasting in the Lord, then for someone who feels so weak, useless and dumbfounded as a person, this is very good news to me. 

To know that it's not up to me, lest I find grounds for being confident (boasting) in what I did, but all must up to God.  

I do not desire

I am not able

And I have no opportunity to do what will make me happy for a 1000 years. 

God desires,

God is able, and God took the opportunity to do what will make me happy for a 1000 years:  he died for me.  

I'm free because of God first using His freedom to set me free. 

Feelings are free too then.  God uses my feelings to be empowered by His freedom.  His wisdom.  His strength.  His royalty.  His love.  

We are free to feel when our feelings are directed at God.  He gave us these feelings so He will take responsibility for them, and use them for our joy.  

What is God telling you today through your feelings? 

For me it was to redirect the source of power that enables me to walk in freedom.  Running low on freedom usually produces heaps of bad feelings in me that are there to help me redirect my steps back toward God, not to condemn me.  I wander off unintentionally, because I'm needy of God's directing me again and again.  And that's the way it is made to be. 

Allow yourself to feel what is real in you, and let the feelings gently expose your needs.  Feelings do not define you, if they did we would all be making false implications about God's identity, if we professed to be in Christ.  

Your feelings don't define you, they expose you.  Allow your feelings to prove to you that you need God, and grow in deeper desire for Him, because you need Him.  

Jmegrey.

God will respond, He responds to me.

I will respond to the sky, 

and it will respond to the earth. 

The earth will respond to the grain, 

the new wine, and the oil, 

and they will respond to Jamie. 

I go to God because He first comes to me.  Whenever I start to doubt that God is there or that He is good or that He loves me, I run to the barren part of me and meet with Him in the eye of the storm.  I don't want to ever be okay with feeling any of those three things, ever.  I want always to know more deeply the height and depth, length and width of God's love for me. 

"Call your brothers: My People 

and your sisters: Compassion."

This is am almost word for word story about the way in which God speaks to me, filling me with hope and richness of love that overflows, as written from over 2000 years ago in the life of a man named Hosea.  Our God is unchanging and Jesus fulfilled our role of dying because of our disobedience--and gave us His obedience so that despite what we see going on in our lives we always have the right to be loved by God, always.  And it is in this assurance of this right to be loved that I can walk into any dark valley within the most wicked parts of my heart and find hope.  I do not fear the darkness, because even darkness is light to my God who loves me.  But I walk into darkness in order to expose it, because a part of me is still fearful of what I will find, but God goes before me and with me every time.  He leads me in a way that I cannot refuse Him.  But at the end of each difficulty, at the settling down of atrocious emotional pain, at the finish of some horrible physical strain, the proof is there.  He is made strong in my weakness.  This means that the next time I become scared or feel the overwhelming ambiguity of my circumstances, I anchor my actions in faith that God has always proven Himself to be for me.  I cannot break His promise to me even if I tried, and He promises to take me all the way.  So then, why would I try to break His word to me?  Rather I let as many guards of myself down as I can so that I become as weak as I know how and go to Him just as I am, naked and without any power or any clue as to what will happen.  Because in the deep and honest depth of my heart, that is the only thing I can do.  

And His love proves more and more loyal to me over the years.  But I never stop needing to become weaker because I never stop needing Him to be my strength and my refuge.  I thank God that He makes me weak so that I can be strong, and through His process I am always reassured of how deep and wide His love for me truly is.  There has yet to be something more enticing than God's love for me.  I live for pleasure and find it most exceedingly in Him.  This is the story of my life in light of what Jesus did for me:

Therefore, 

this is what I will do: 

I will block her way with thorns; 

I will enclose her with a wall, 

so that she cannot find her paths. 

She will pursue her lovers 

but not catch them; 

she will seek them 

but not find them. 

Then she will think, 

“I will go back to my former husband, 

for then it was better for me than now.” 

She does not recognize 

that it is I who gave her 

the grain, the new wine, and the oil. 

I lavished silver and gold on her, 

which they used for Baal. 

Therefore, 

I will take back My grain in its time 

and My new wine in its season; 

I will take away My wool and linen, 

which were to cover her nakedness. 

Now 

I will expose her shame 

in the sight of her lovers, 

and no one will rescue her 

from My hands.

I will put an end to all her celebrations: 

her feasts, New Moons, and Sabbaths — 

all her festivals. 

I will devastate her vines and fig trees. 

She thinks that these are her wages 

that her lovers have given her. 

I will turn them into a thicket, 

and the wild animals will eat them. 

And I will punish her for the days of the Baals when she burned incense to them, 

put on her rings and jewelry, 

and went after her lovers, but forgot Me. 

This is the Lord’s declaration. 

Therefore, 

I am going to persuade her, 

lead her to the wilderness, 

and speak tenderly to her. 

-Hosea 2:1, 6-14 

...

God responds in love for me, as I am a recipient of his grace and do nothing to usher his response but stand exposed and naked before Him.  That is all I do. 

There (in the wilderness and exposed shame and nakedness) 

I will give her vineyards back to her 

and make the Valley of Achor 

into a gateway of hope. 

There she will respond 

as she did in the days of her youth, 

as in the day she came out of the land of Egypt. 

In that day — this is the Lord’s declaration — 

you, Jamie, will call Me, “My husband,” 

and no longer call Me, “My Baal.” 

For I will remove the names of the Baals 

from her mouth; 

they will no longer be remembered 

by their names. 

On that day I will make a covenant for them 

with the wild animals, 

the birds of the sky, 

and the creatures that crawl on the ground. 

I will shatter bow, sword, and weapons of war 

in the land 

and will enable the people to rest securely. 

I will take you to be My wife forever. 

I will take you to be My wife in righteousness, justice, love, and compassion. 

I will take you to be My wife in faithfulness, 

and you will know Yahweh. 

On that day I will respond — 

this is the Lord’s declaration. 

I will respond to the sky, 

and it will respond to the earth. 

The earth will respond to the grain, 

the new wine, and the oil, 

and they will respond to Jamie. 

I will sow her in the land for Myself, 

and I will have compassion on No Compassion; 

I will say to Not My People: You are My people, and he will say, “You are My God.” 

Hosea 2:15-23 

♥️ But all this does not just happen without a significant process that God takes me through time and time again--for me to get to that place, in Christ, where I am free indeed, I must always first be brought to the barren place.  The place where I most clearly see my need for Jesus, and this shows me I am loved time and time again.  To be exposed and ashamed is to be reminded that He was exposed and ashamed for me to no longer be.  So when I am there again and again I meet with Him in His life, death, and resurrection.   I go to the barrenness time and time again because it is here that I regain my life.  Nothing I do is Him outside of this meeting with Him in the barrenness.  Below is a more descriptive parallel of our lives in Hosea's book.

---

When we try acting as judges and priests of our lives and in the lives of others regarding sin and holiness we do a disservice, no we completely wreck the meaning of the cross!  When we acts as priests we are rejected by God, because we are changing honor into disgrace!  Yet we love to act as priests because we feed off sin.  We love watching others sin so that we can feel good about ourselves!  And then we go and act like we are giving our sacrifice to God as a tribute because it feels good and eases our guilty consciences, but it is our guilty conscience that leads us to discernment, for how would we know our wrong unless we felt it in our minds?  We are wrong and that leaves less room for our arrogance.

For this reason the land mourns, 

and everyone who lives in it languishes, 

along with the wild animals and the birds of the sky; even the fish of the sea disappear. 

But let no one dispute; let no one argue, 

for My case is against you priests. 

You will stumble by day; the prophet will also stumble with you by night. 

And I will destroy your mother. 

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, 

I will reject you from serving as My priest. 

Since you have forgotten the law of your God, 

I will also forget your sons. 

The more they multiplied, 

the more they sinned against Me. 

I will change their honor into disgrace. 

They feed on the sin of My people; 

they have an appetite for their transgressions.

They will eat but not be satisfied; 

they will be promiscuous but not multiply. 

For they have abandoned their devotion to the Lord. 

Promiscuity, wine, and new wine take away one’s understanding. 

My people consult their wooden idols, 

and their divining rods inform them. 

For a spirit of promiscuity leads them astray; they act promiscuously 

in disobedience to their God. 

They sacrifice on the mountaintops, 

and they burn offerings on the hills, 

and under oaks, poplars, and terebinths, because their shade is pleasant. 

And so your daughters act promiscuously 

and your daughters-in-law commit adultery. 

I will not punish your daughters when they act promiscuously or your daughters-in-law when they commit adultery, 

for the men themselves go off with prostitutes and make sacrifices with cult prostitutes. 

People without discernment are doomed.

 

(Hosea 4:3-8, 10-14 HCSB)

---

Who are we outside of Jesus?

For Israel is as obstinate as a stubborn cow. 

Can the Lord now shepherd them like a lamb in an open meadow? 

Ephraim is attached to idols; leave him alone! 

When their drinking is over, 

they turn to promiscuity. 

Israel’s leaders fervently love disgrace. 

A wind with its wings will carry them off, and they will be ashamed of their sacrifices. 

-Hosea 4:16-19 

---

How do we treat our God??

Their actions do not allow them to return to their God, 

for a spirit of promiscuity is among them, 

and they do not know the Lord. 

Israel’s arrogance testifies against them. 

Both Israel and Ephraim stumble because of their wickedness; even Judah will stumble with them. 

They go with their flocks and herds to seek the Lord but do not find Him; 

He has withdrawn from them.

Ephraim will become a desolation 

on the day of punishment; 

I announce what is certain 

among the tribes of Israel. 

The princes of Judah are like those who move boundary markers; 

I will pour out My fury on them like water. 

Ephraim is oppressed, crushed in judgment, 

for he is determined to follow what is worthless. 

So I am like rot to Ephraim 

and like decay to the house of Judah. 

-Hosea 5:4-6, 9-12

--

Your love is loyal Lord, and you do what is necessary to save us from our destructive sins!  You see the outcome down the road when we ignore it, and you care for us by doing what is needed to lead us back to life!  You are the only life, and when we seek You we are in Life and not death. 

For I am like a lion to Ephraim 

and like a young lion to the house of Judah. 

Yes, I will tear them to pieces and depart. 

I will carry them off, 

and no one can rescue them. 

I will depart 

and return to My place 

until they recognize their guilt 

and seek My face; 

they will search for Me in their distress. 

-Hosea 5:14-15 

---

What does repentance look like?

Come, let us return to the Lord. 

For He has torn us, 

and He will heal us; 

He has wounded us, 

and He will bind up our wounds. 

He will revive us after two days, 

and on the third day He will raise us up 

so we can live in His presence. 

Let us strive to know the Lord. 

His appearance is as sure as the dawn. 

He will come to us like the rain, 

like the spring showers that water the land.

-Hosea 6:1-3

---

Our sin problem is deeper than we think, we are in a one way loyalty: He is being loyal and we are not.  He is forever loyal, and we are not.  We need Jesus because through Jesus we are given His loyalty not in becoming loyal ourselves but having natural loyalty imputed to us!  Effortless loyalty!  When we try to be loyal that is not our loyalty!  Our loyalty is from Christ, and we are recipients of it by grace!

What am I going to do with you, Ephraim? 

What am I going to do with you, Judah? 

Your loyalty is like the morning mist 

and like the early dew that vanishes.

For I desire loyalty 

and not sacrifice, 

the knowledge of God 

rather than burnt offerings. 

But they, like Adam, 

have violated the covenant; 

there they have betrayed Me. 

-Hosea 6:4, 6-7 

---

The Lord sees all, even when you see Him punishing others for their sin, you are next!  So don't be arrogant about your life, if you are living it is all by grace.  

I have seen something horrible in the house of Israel: Ephraim’s promiscuity is there; 

Israel is defiled. 

A harvest is also appointed for you, Judah. 

When I return My people from captivity, 

-Hosea 6:10-11

---

God, He heals in the midst of seeing our sin against Him...He sits in the sin with us and heals us, and we are there sinning and being healed by Him!  

when I heal Israel, 

the sins of Ephraim 

and the crimes of Samaria 

will be exposed. 

For they practice fraud; 

a thief breaks in; a raiding party pillages outside. 

But they never consider 

that I remember all their evil. 

Now their sins are all around them; 

they are right in front of My face. 

-Hosea 7:1-2 

---

Our hearts burn for the taste of sin!  And we do not even notice!  We ignore God because we are arrogant!  When really we are all silly and senseless! 

They please the king with their evil, 

the princes with their lies. 

All of them commit adultery; 

they are like an oven 

heated by a baker 

who stops stirring the fire 

from the kneading of the dough 

until it is leavened.

For they — their hearts like an oven — 

draw him into their oven. 

Their anger smolders all night; 

in the morning it blazes like a flaming fire.

Foreigners consume his strength, 

but he does not notice. 

Even his hair is streaked with gray, 

but he does not notice. 

Israel’s arrogance testifies against them, 

yet they do not return to Yahweh their God, 

and for all this, 

they do not seek Him. 

So Ephraim has 

become like a silly, senseless dove; 

they call to Egypt, and they go to Assyria. 

-Hosea 7:3-4, 6, 9-11

---

The Lord catches us in our silly senselessness!

As they are going, 

I will spread My net over them; 

I will bring them down like birds of the sky. 

I will discipline them in accordance 

with the news that reaches their assembly. 

-Hosea 7:12

---

How do we treat You God?

Woe to them, for they fled from Me; 

destruction to them, 

for they rebelled against Me! 

Though I want to redeem them, 

they speak lies against Me. 

They do not cry to Me 

from their hearts; rather, 

they wail on their beds. 

They slash themselves 

for grain and new wine; 

they turn away from Me. 

I trained and strengthened their arms, 

but they plot evil against Me. 

They turn, 

but not to what is above; 

they are like a faulty bow. 

Their leaders will fall by the sword 

because of the cursing of their tongue. 

They will be ridiculed for this in the land of Egypt. 

-Hosea 7:13-16 

---

We have no sacrifice to offer except our own bodies, everything else is an altar for sinning more!  We think we can offer something to appease God, but that is our arrogance!  We do not give anything to God!  We could never earn our forgiveness!  We give our bodies as a living sacrifice not because we should, because that is our arrogant way of thinking, but we give our bodies over for life, because Christ gave His body over to death so that we could give ours for life!  We are called to life!  To live because Jesus died our death!  We are called to be loved by God!  We cannot even love God!  We can only be loved by God.  Everything else is not God.

Israel has rejected what is good; 

an enemy will pursue him. 

They have installed kings, 

but not through Me. 

They have appointed leaders, 

but without My approval. 

They make their silver and gold 

into idols for themselves 

for their own destruction. 

Your calf-idol is rejected, Samaria. 

My anger burns against them. 

How long will they be incapable of innocence? 

For this thing is from Israel — 

a craftsman made it, 

and it is not God. 

The calf of Samaria will be smashed to bits!

For they have gone up to Assyria 

like a wild donkey going off on its own. 

Ephraim has paid for love.

When Ephraim multiplied his altars for sin, 

they became his altars for sinning. 

Though I were to write out for him ten thousand points of My instruction, 

they would be regarded as something strange. 

Though they offer sacrificial gifts and eat the flesh, the Lord does not accept them. 

Now He will remember their guilt 

and punish their sins; 

they will return to Egypt. 

Israel has forgotten his Maker and built palaces; Judah has also multiplied fortified cities. 

I will send fire on their cities, 

and it will consume their citadels. 

-Hosea 8:3-6, 9, 11-14 

---

I'm too tired to finish the rest of the book, but now seems sufficient to end this post. 

I'll end with the reminder that God uses what we want most to respond to us.  For Israel it was wine and oil and grain because food is necessary and represented comfort, provision, and ultimately life.  Now those same wants, comfort, provision, and things that make us feel like we are and can continue living...those same wants will be what God uses to speak to us.  He must, because those are not real life, and He will expose them for what they are to give us real life.

I will respond to the sky, 

and it will respond to the earth. 

The earth will respond to the grain, 

the new wine, and the oil, 

and they will respond to Jamie. 

Jmegrey 

Worries, fears, anxieties, oh my!

"For everything 

was created 

by Him, 

in heaven and on earth, 

the visible 

and the invisible, 

whether thrones or dominions 

or rulers or authorities — 

all things 

have been created 

through Him and 

for Him. 

He is 

before all things, 

and 

by Him 

all things 

hold together."

-Colossians 1:16-17

I love breaking down the words in the bible to get down to the real depth of what the words are saying:

Everything = By Him + through Him + for Him

I mean that equation right there has so much in it I could write a thousand pages on what that truth reveals!  But I won't.  Or at least not now.

The point being...I am just me.  Jamie.  This morning I made plans and created a mental to do list, and the moment I sat down to begin my time of talking with God in prayer, I looked on my phone instead, drank my coffee and ate fruit, and then opened Instagram, my email, (all of which were NOT on my mental to do list) haha, and LO and behold time was just zooming by! 

I wanted to have my list moving in action, but there I was.  Not doing it. 

Before I move on to better and meaningful things let me backtrack a few days and show you how God has been molding my spirit and mending my heart.

About a week ago I was driving along the freeway when a small rock cracked against my front windshield.  This is not he first time my car window has been hit by a rock.  Normally I'd be too scared to do anything at first, I'd feel the pressures of needing to get it fixed, the cost of repair and the ways my friends and family might view me as so unfortunate--which would make me need to gain back whatever dignity I lost from that.  However, I saw it and I went through a whole new set of mental processing.  Namely, I saw opportunities of growth in my character and in my trust in God and my relationship with others.  I was still disappointed, but I wasn't fighting back my pride.  

Three days later I was going to school, arrived 15 minutes before class was going to start, couldn't find parking for 20 minutes, and ended up having to park on the opposite end of campus.  It would take me an additional 10 minutes to walk to class.  By the time I parked I was already 10 minutes late.  I calculated that I would now be 20 minutes late, and initially felt how unfair it was since I got to campus 15 minutes early!  I sat in my parked car feeling what I always feel when I'm running late: Late.  Feeling late is feeling like you're not on time.  It's a feeling I really don't like because it makes me feel pressured and rushed and frantic.  Haha.  So as I sat there in my lateness I decided to open an email and read it.  After that I steadily got out of my car, gathered my things, and smoothed the front of my clothes down.  If I was going to be late, I was going to enjoy it.  I was wearing really uncomfortable shoes, which made that just a little more difficult, but that only meant I had to walk much slower.  So I did.  It took me 15 minutes to walk to class.  I was very late, and it wasn't like I loved it, but I didn't hate it either.  I knew there was a reason for why I couldn't find parking and why I ended up wearing the shoes that I did that day, and I rested in that space of meaning.  A little boxer's corner in the ring.  

Yesterday I was driving and thinking about how all these seemingly small events have revealed such huge changes in me...and then CRACK!  A huge rock on the freeway hit the other side of my front windshield and made a crack twice as big as the first one! 

I seriously stared at the fragment of chipped glass, and then smiled.  I think I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, which, if you're driving by yourself and you get that double feeling, it almost always ends up in laughter.  Laughter always wins against tears, because it's just so ridiculous--to let your sadness meet your laughter and not find that irony more funny than sad is rare.   

Life keeps happening.  

I keep getting thrown fumbles.

I fall, I fail, and I consider Colossians 1:16-17.

Everything finds its place before God. 

Every event, every failure, every joy, and every day is before God who has said that this, whatever it is that you are living through, is BY God for some purpose since it went THROUGH God's hands and is ultimately FOR God to make Him more real and true to us.  

He wants us as we are.

He paid for that desire with the blood that spilled from His Son's hands, feet and side.  

We can come before God as ourselves: failures, frauds, phonies, and fearful. 

Let the everyday things show you His every involvement in your life.  

Yes there are worries and concerns about the future, and those will never get resolved in the present. 

Let me say it again:  THOSE WILL NEVER GET RESOLVED IN THE PRESENT. 

Why?  Because the future is not about our problems being fixed.  The future is about the way we find out God's actions from the past.  We live in the present, with hope for the future, encouraged by God's faithfulness in our pasts. 

 

Worry/anxiety is usually just a defense against boredom or fear.  Boredom and fear are usually a defense against our belief that God is really there, and loves us.  So let's be real.  Instead of worrying, fearing, or getting bored, I encourage you to come to God just as you are...just there at the core of it all: a defenseless child.  With the sobering recognition that there really is nothing you can do to control the outcome of the future.  

So what is God doing right now for you?

Have you sat in the boxer's corner?  We need that.  He sees when we are getting beat up or running low on energy.  And He's got a gameplan, but you have to sit down and take a moment to gather your senses back.  To refuel and restore lost energies.  Rehydrate.  Then again...maybe the match is done.  And you lost, but the real victory, the victory that's better than winning a match is coming home and celebrating anyway because that's what love is.  It's not about winning or losing, it's about you, just as you are. 

God is all about that greater victory. 

You + Him.

Everything else is a means of getting there. 

"For everything was created by Him, in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities — all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together."

He's there.

Our present situations are 

BY HIM, THROUGH HIM, and FOR HIM.

If God is FOR US, then yea.  Whatever is for Him, is also FOR us, His beloveds. 

Let His love permeate your worries, fears, and anxieties.  Today is for you, because today is by, through and for Him.

Jmegrey

Go to Him. 

Especially when your mental to-do list gets botched up.  Haha. (I'm still going to attempt to do it, but it's a little different this time, and I hope you experience that shifted curve in your life today too)  

5am with God. The real me.

"For He chose us in Him, 

before the foundation of the world, 

to be holy and blameless in His sight. 

In love 

He predestined us 

to be adopted 

through Jesus Christ 

for Himself, 

according to His favor and will, 

to the praise of His glorious grace 

that He favored us with in the Beloved. 

We have redemption 

in Him 

through His blood, 

the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches 

of His grace 

that He lavished on us 

with all wisdom 

and understanding. 

He made known to us the mystery 

of His will, 

according to His good pleasure 

that He planned in Him 

for the administration 

of the days of fulfillment — 

to bring everything together 

in the Messiah, 

both things in heaven 

and things on earth 

in Him. 

We have also received an inheritance 

in Him, 

predestined 

according to the purpose 

of the One 

who works out everything 

in agreement with the decision of His will, so that we 

who had already put our hope 

in the Messiah 

might bring praise to His glory. 

When you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation, 

and when you believed 

in Him, 

you were also sealed 

with the promised Holy Spirit. 

He is 

the down payment 

of our inheritance, 

for the redemption of the possession, 

to the praise of His glory. 

(Ephesians 1:4-14 HCSB)

I approached God's throne this morning, but I approached Him just as I was.  Just as I am.  I am sitting on the same armchair I sit in almost every morning with a cup of coffee, a plate of fruit, and my blanket.  When I pray I usually keep my eyes open, and I think.  My thoughts speak to God, and I ask him things quietly.  So when I approached His throne, with my thoughts as the words I was presenting to Him, I was also crunching and twirling my hair.  I literally transported my armchair and me sitting in it with Him there on His throne chair.  I sat there, crunching my hair, and told Him what I was thinking.  I'm sure He knows since He knows all my thoughts and words before I do.  But I told Him anyway, because He wanted to hear me say it, hear me believe that He knew.

I felt a little ...hesitant about transporting my couch and my tired eyes before His throne.  For a while I contemplated getting up, maybe getting on my knees and pushing out the most energy I could to be super grateful and extremely reverent, but I was stopped in my thoughts.  Here I was, coming just as I was, and suddenly I wanted to come as I wasn't?  I suppose who I really am is just awful, lazy, tired, overwhelmed, self-distraught, narcissistic, and really quite dumbfounded.  But there I was.  Or here I am, because even now I know I am before Him.  

I sat there in my comfy armchair, 

biting my hair, 

staring off in another direction 

but completely aware 

that I was with my Abba Father, 

the God of the universe 

and all things before the World existed.  

I was with...the Creator...

and all I could do to come as I was was crunch my hair and stare in some funky direction on my couch.  

I mean, what COULD I do?  

I was before the Maker of earth and the Milky Way.  You know, that delicious Caramel and nougat chocolate bar?  I was before that God, the real good God.

Let's keep it past tense for the sake of retelling my experience, and I'll gradually bring it up to the present moment. (Which even now is becoming a past moment haha).  -_-

I didn't know what to do.  What to say.  But I wanted to come as I was, because all that metaphorically kneeling or being reverent and grateful felt forced.  I know that Jesus died for me, and I take it for granted.  I really only feel the depth of His death in my sin, because in my sin I feel the depth of my separation and badness, and who likes to feel that?  It is feeling His resurrection that I have trouble with.  That I am given the future of my own body after I die by looking at His.  What is that future and just HOW good is it?

Who am I before God? 

I feel tired.  I feel like I can't sleep very well because of so many thoughts that are scattered in my head.  Thoughts of how I should improve, how I could improve, how I am improving, and how thinking I am improving might not be improving at all.  Haha.  Yes, like that.

I feel God is quiet sometimes.  A lot of the times I feel like He is quiet, and many of the students I teach on Sundays have revealed to me that they too feel His quiet demeanor toward them.  What's wrong with being quiet? For me quietness feels like waiting.  As if God is waiting for me to come around or waiting for me to obey Him, or waiting for me to get the point and do better next time.  Quietness equates to a feeling of inadequacy in myself.  I'm wanting to hear from Him, but I don't want to hear Him say something I can't do.  I want to be able to meet His requests and desires for me, to meet His perfect will, but since I can't perhaps I prefer to think He's actually not speaking to me.  That way the confusion I feel can override all other feelings.  At least when I'm confused I can feel justified in my lack of action.  But now when I approach His throne just as I am I can't be confused or even sorry.  I can just sit on my chair and crunch my hair and stare sideways...and He's right there.   

So now I can say that I feel rested.  Even though I'm not sleeping, I feel rested.  I feel the thoughts in my head disappear so I'm wordless, and it's taking me time to let His acceptance of me in this state really wrap around me.  This is who I am.  Right here.  With my sins from last night and the days, months and years past all before Him (because He can see into my entire life) this is me, and this is God with me.  

When I'm attempting some kind of value in this life (whether by career, money, family, ministry, beauty, or credentials), I cannot be appealing to God because God does not see me in those things.  He sees me just as I am. 

All of those other achievements and things are more to enjoy myself with as wonderful gifts from God to use to glorify Him more for more love!  I do like to feel pretty, feel ambitious and passionate about stuff, feel surrounded by family, and feel stimulated by school...I love all of these other things.  And those are indeed nice things, and if used for His glory they become great things!  But they are not me, as I am.  I just need time alone with God, as I truly am, apart from all of that, to sit with Him as myself, the naked soul in me.  Jamie.  The one made by God. 

I am not good at much, I mean, literally I am at the most clearest picture just a girl sitting in an armchair with messy hair crunching it between my fingers because it's a habit of mine to do so, and wanting to be with God.  

Sometimes, I admit, I want to get rid of my sin more than I want to be with God, and the two desires fight for my central attention.  

Sometimes I want to be more loving more than I want to be with God, and that shifts things ever so slightly away from who I really am as well.

Sometimes I want God to be bigger or more wonderful than He is, as if I'm looking at Him through a microscope rather than through a telescope, and it never works out when I do that...I end up staring at nothing more than anything.  

So, at best, it is good to be sitting here.  It reminds me of who I really am.  I am God's daughter, I inherit the universe and more, and all I do is sit there on a couch in the throne room crunching my hair.  I feel heretical for saying that, but what could I do?  What does God want from me that He does not already have in full? Nothing.  He just wants me.

He just wants you.  

And in return we enter into love so deep we dance in it, cry in it, sing in it, sleep in it, work in it, relate in it, write in it, study in it, breathe in it, exist in it. 

He is profoundly so in love with who He made you to be, just as you are.  Failures and successes become words like blue and green.  They bear no significance in the throne room, aside from being the colors that make us beautiful in His eyes. 

I present myself to You, Abba God.  

Here I am.

Jmegrey

"They trust in their wealth 

and boast of their abundant riches. 

Yet these cannot redeem a person 

or pay his ransom to God — 

since the price of redeeming him 

is too costly, 

one should 

forever 

stop 

trying —"

Psalms 49:6-8 😏

Prayer

Father, 

Please make me more loving.

Make me more care-full.

Make me gentle when I speak, 

While still being my goofy self. 

 

Oy vey.

Jmegrey. 

When people judge

Stop judging me!

When I feel judged by someone, regardless of whether or not they are actually making judgments about me, I feel like I am losing a sense of my rightness.  My thoughts become less right, my actions become less right, and my motives become less right, and the farther I am from being right the closer I am to being wrong.  That is the part where being upset comes in after feeling judged. 

When someone thinks something about me, says something about me or I get the impression that they think something about me that's in any way negative-

I get upset.  

(Whether or not I show that I am upset is a whole other matter.  Upset is anything to disturb mentally or emotionally; or physically.)

Why?  Because they're saying or thinking wrong about me and I want to be right.  

I don't like being wrong!  Of course I hardly ever show this to the people who upset me, haha.  I'm as cool as a cucumber on the outside.  My upset self usually shows itself in the form of reciprocating judgment. 

So theoretically, if I connect the dots in one way:  by getting upset I'm essentially telling myself that who they think I am is who I actually think I am.  They are my validation.  

Otherwise, if I trusted and believed they were wrong and knew with reliable confidence that I was right about who I am, then I would be free to love them in their wrong as Christ loved me in my wrong.  This would mean spiritual maturity for me, in the same way an adult might show greater patience to a child they loved because they understand the child's ways to be less developed than their own, and therefore can extend greater grace toward the child, even allowing for the child to snarl and bite at them without losing love for them.  

But as it stands, I don't really believe and trust that I am right first and foremost, and therefore who others view or judge me as becomes serious to me, and I get upset about it.  

I need Jesus to make it so much more clear to me that I am who He says I am, and as that assurance solidifies then naturally my love for others (especially others that judge me) will be met by my love.  

But the trouble seems to be that I have a hard time really confidently believing that Jesus loves me.  That His love and acceptance is really all I need.  That I am fully and wholly and completely right in Jesus alone.  I know in my head that Jesus loves me, but in some deeper more secretive part of my heart (and my bodily reactions) I see another system working. 

Here's what I can examine of me:

When part of me feels like it's coming under suspicion from another person (especially a person close to me), 

I get the overwhelming sensation 

that I might be wrong.  

And being wrong just isn't right.  

Literally being wrong isn't being right.  Haha.

And it makes sense,

as a created being meant for God,

that I want to be right, 

we need to be right, 

because God is right.  

And we were made for God. 

Ultimately that's what I find it comes down to.  

You might think, 

"I don't need to be right, I just think it's annoying when people judge me.  I don't think people should judge me wrongly."

And I might ask,

"Well why is it annoying?  And why do you think it's wrong for people to misjudge you?"

To which some of you might feel tempted to quickly respond:

"Just because.  I don't know.  I just know that's what it is and not all that other complicated stuff."

If you have that sort of response, then nothing I say or nothing the bible says will change your mind.  You've made up your mind with a "just because" or with an "I don't care" resolution.  If you will base your reasoning on "just because" feelings and "I don't care" sighs, then no amount of information will be helpful to you.  You are better off consulting magic tricks and living vicariously through movies and daydreaming.  For you, change might be wanted the way one wants a new dress or a certain food craving, but not necessary.  It is not a matter of life and death for you.  

But for those who see change--being wrong into being right--as a matter of life and death, much as the bible says it is, then change becomes necessary in the same way working to pay next month's rent is.  It's a non-negotiable thing.  Change must happen, because without it we might be forfeiting life with God.  And the more wrong we see in ourselves, the more desperate we are to be made right.  We become desperate for God. 

So I understand more of why this walk is scary.  

I hate to be wrong because I was created to be right (meaning to be with God who cannot be with wrong), but in order to become right (be with God) I must first be wrong (becoming that which is unable to be with God!). Right there!  That.  Is.  Risky.  Why must we first be wrong?  Why must we become what we were not made to be?  

Because when sin entered humanity through Adam, everyone's forefather, we all inherited his sin and took on the sickness of being wrong.  We became separated from God, and our lives lost the ultimate meaning to them: God's fellowship.  

So God had a plan from the very beginning to bring humanity back to Himself in a way that most glorified Himself: Jesus's life, death, and resurrection.   Jesus showed us the way:

1.  Life (being physically born represents us) 

2.  Death (He died for us and gave us the promise of life to come)

3.  Resurrection!  (Proof of His promise to us!) 

This implies that the way to be right

 is to first be wrong;

To die. 

Because you cannot resurrect from the dead without first being dead. 

We must walk to our deaths, stare death in the face, and die, with faith and hope in the promise of new life.  

That's what it is.  That's why I still hate feeling judged by others.  That's why I want more validation in other things like a career, relationships, money, beauty, intellect, and affirmation of those things by people.   Because the one way to being right is the way that sacrifices all of my wrongs.  And everything outside of Jesus is wrong.  

You can't have your cake and eat it too 

...at least not all at once.  

But you have to give up your cake (your life), and trust that God will use it to bring it back to you, in the most delicious way!  

Otherwise we hold on to our cake and hardly eat it because after that it's gone.  Then we are left without our lives.  We lose our lives by trying to save them in this life.  

Matthew 16:25- "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it."

So then we must trust in God's will to give us this life.  Trust that when what we want is not what we are getting means that God is teaching us the right way.  

Ugh.  Just saying the words is hard to accept.  How can what I want be so wrong but feel so right?  It's terrible, the human condition of being wrong, then feeling right, and choosing wrong.  But thank You God, that through Jesus, I am being changed! 

"But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!"
-1 Corinthians 15:57

So then this impossibility becomes a possibility.  This dying becomes more and more of a doable thing.  Death becomes less and less daunting.  Hope becomes more and more apparent.  Jesus is more and more believed in, and this is from the Spirit's help to us.  

"We all, 

with unveiled faces, 

are looking 

as in a mirror 

at the glory of the Lord 

and are being transformed 

into the same image 

from glory to glory; 

this is from the Lord 

who is the Spirit"

-2 Corinthians 3:18

I need the Spirit to show me Jesus more and more.  To look at Him, as if looking in a mirror!  To see His face as my own!  To see His beauty as my own!  The life He lived becomes my own life.  When I see Him, looking at Him as a reflection of myself, I will also see His suffering as my own.  His death as my own.  And His resurrection as what is mine to come.  

Then when I am judged by another, in my secret heart where the real genuine belief is, I can understand that it is not a sudden mistake on Jesus's part having defined me incorrectly (which is what most of us really do and believe...because we frantically question our rightness or we somehow try to find a way to justify ourselves) but instead, when I am judged I can look in the face of my Lord, as in a mirror, and know who I really am.  I am His.  Being transformed into His likeness.  

So whatever anyone else says, 

I will be sent to look at Jesus.  

The more I look at myself when I feel judged, the more my sickness of being wrong discourages me and sends me into a panic.  For every one look at my sickness, I must take 5 looks at His glory. 

For me, this is what makes sense.  

I dislike feeling judged, but I recognize this as a deep deficiency in my confidence of being right.  And nothing I do or turn to will change that, only Jesus.

Look at Jesus.

Looking back at you.

Reflecting Himself onto you.

Yes, sometimes it's too amazing to comprehend.  That I look like Jesus?!  (I'm sure many would disagree!  Myself would be the first to say it) but that is the message of the gospel:

Jesus died to give you His life. 

Believe in Jesus. 

Especially when the judgements poke at you, let them be a reminder to look at Jesus.  You're true reflection.  

Jmegrey