Prayer about sin.

I hate sin.

Like I really hate it.  

It destroys everything in it's path, and yet disguises itself as pleasure.

Mercy.

Father, please help me.  Please have more mercy on me, and help me see the destructiveness of my ways.  Help me to hate my sin so much that I would turn away from it.  Help me to have authority over my thoughts, and of all that is given to me;  help me to choose to obey.  I don't even want my free will, I want Your will, because my will to choose is weak.  I want to be controlled by You, found in You, identified by your pleasure and delight, and with You, near You, and to be all Yours.  I am still so confused as to how I can feel and see healing in certain areas of my life, and yet fall into similar sins by choice?!  Help me to choose You!  Help me to be brave to face the pain and the terror that I try to smother the moment they begin to taunt me.  Help me keep my eyes on Jesus, his atoning blood on the cross, and grace for the next 5 seconds of faith and belief in You.  Remind me that You are God.  That You love me.  That You are for me.  Help me to be humble so that I can have more grace in my life.  Help me to discern my thoughts well.  Help me to find refuge in you, both in times of peace and in times of unrest.  I don't want to be made of tears and shame or ungratefulness (which is unfeeling and unseeing), but I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit and Life.  I want to see as You see!   Fill me again. And again.  And again. Everyday.  Lord, I am so weak, so rebellious, so prone to turn back to my sin, and so fearful of the darkness, but reveal Your power to me.  Reveal Your promises, Your love, and Your ways to me.  Make me like You, make me holy.  I keep getting distracted by things that are temporary.  Help me see Lord!  Open my blind eyes to the truth!  Silence the confusion in my head, forgive me Father!  Forgive me, for I have sinned against You.  I have sinned and I have been disobedient....doubtful, scared, and bent on self indulgence. Forgive me please, and wash my sins away by the blood of the Lamb. 

I pray all this in Jesus name,

Amen.  

Pass or fail.

Well I've only attended 2 out of my 5 courses and already I'm fried.  I'm a fried egg; poached; cracked and cooked.  

Needless to say, it's overwhelming and too exciting to be back in school, though I have nothing to complain about since there are some elderly folks who haven't been in a classroom for over 35 years! 

My first day was a hot mess.  My second day was better, only because I stopped worrying and freaking out and replaced every uncontrollable situation with laughter.  I feel like such an oddball, floating around disguised as a grad student when really I'm still just me--a weakling.  What do I know?  Well, let me tell you, haha, I know a lot according to my thoughts!  I was judging everyone left and right, "oh he's too emotional", "she's too conservative", "that sounds egotistical", "he doesn't know what's important", "she talks too much", "he dresses way too formal", and the list goes on.  Being critical of others keeps me from genuinely befriending them, and not immersing in the body of Christ is a simple idiocy on my part since I only deprive myself of views of God.  In other words, I get less of God.  My means of self preservation is a deceptive lie that I am praying God will expediently expose thoroughly in my life and produce change.  Selfishness is indeed comforting and protective as a feeling (psychologically), but the results are anything but.  It's a "sense" and nothing more.  Fellowship with other believers, regardless of their strengths and weaknesses, is the real protection and comfort (actuality).  

And though I know I have yet to understand.

All this goes to show that I ended up with a near sobbing breakdown as I realized the workload ahead of me if I wanted perfection (which I did, and which I know is impossible yet still think is possible).  I was thinking about the grade.  I wanted to be the best in my class.  I wanted everyone to think I was smart and insightful, something special and different, but I got a wake up call.  I am going to have to work and study my butt off if I even want to decently pass the class!  But more than that it can't be about the grade...I mean I want to pass, don't get me wrong, but the whole point I'm in theology school is to know God more.  So pass or fail the classes, if I get to know God more then that will be success and grace sufficient for me that I know I could never earn or deserve.  I want to know, but more than that I want to understand.  The only way I'll get through this is by grace to walk and think with freedom mentality.  Free to pass, free to fail. 

I prayed to God recently and repetitively that He would give me a humble heart, and humility to walk in more grace.

To pray for humility is really dangerous...I'm now tangibly realizing.  I mean, the opportunities for true humbleness and humility are very close to home and specific, especially to my preservation of self.  So much so that it is impossible, I think, to even take hold of such an opportunity unless God gives you the grace to do so.  If you think you've seized humility by your own will power then that probably wasn't very humbling.  If you think: "oh man I did that and I obeyed, that was humble of me" you have now contradicted yourself.  I think humility is something we cannot see in ourselves, ever.  (C. S. Lewis wrote that, I think).  It is a gift from God that we can see evidenced in others. 

I'm really tired, and out of it haha.  This will likely be my last post for a while.  I need time to get back into the groove of being a student, and staying diligent with my studies.  If I post, it'll be short and sweet ;)  (yea right).  

Goodnight!

Jmegrey

My one Pearl

Father,

I've lost my way and what lies ahead looks scary and daunting.  Please lead and guide me back toward You. 

"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law."(Psalm 119:18 ESV)

My problem at hand is that I still face anxiety and panic that, if swallowed, leads to temptation to sin.  The temptation is strong when my anxiety is high.  I feel alone and unable to control anything.  I start to fear a rising and culminating lack of control which feeds the fear of an unleash of chaos in my life...or even just the unknown is frightening enough.

The temptation to find a means of FEELING IN CONTROL kicks in.

The anxiety comes, sometimes with panic, always with confusion, and when at it's peak there is much fear. Fear of the unknown.  That is the point when by grace I stop and step back to turn my eyes toward Jesus again, trusting Him by faith to transform my fear into faith.  

To transform me and take away the anxiety, panic and confusion.  There is a slight catch to this "stopping and seeing", and that is the time it will take to do so.  Sometimes it takes only a few seconds, and by an overflow of grace from God you can realize all this inwardly even while among other people, but other times it takes hours to days to months to years in patiently waiting for The Lord to transform you IN HIS TIME.  These longer periods are always scary because they require more faith and a relentless trust whilst standing in the middle of a war of flying arrows and slashing swords.  You feel naked.  These longer periods I believe are an even greater outpouring of God's grace as the transformation and revelations that result run deeper into your heart and memory.  

Whether in a few seconds or in 8 years, God will win.  Both time frames will release power in your life, transforming you into a who God made you to be: perfect.  All by grace.

Your battlefield may take on a different physical appearance than mine, but spiritually we share the same ground with the same Savior who fights for the both of us.  Who fights for all who wait, and by faith trust in Him as you wait.  Waiting is difficult, but don't try to distract yourself while waiting.  Give your frustrations and fears to the indwelling Holy Spirit and ask Him to release you from the present unwanted feelings.  Ask Him to show you how to do so, and ask for understanding in the meantime to sustain you til the time of transformation happens.  Transformation can happen, as it is seen not only in the bible (Paul is transformed, lepers are transformed, the bleeding woman is transformed, and even Mark had to undergo transformation before being reunited with the apostle Paul) but also today, namely in my own life.  I have been transformed in ways I never thought would happen (isn't that how we always feel haha).  But I have tasted a small bite of this transforming power, and it is enough to have me craving for more!  

There are no words I could say that would make this revelation true for you, but this gift of God (transformation) must be had as a first hand experience as you profess to believe in Jesus.

I want to encourage you to see not with your physical eyes, since that will separate you in your mind from all who are actually with you, and look with your spiritual eyes at the war where God is your defender and shield, and where all the saints together are standing in faith through relentless trust with you.  By spiritual eyes I mean simply by reading the Word and having faith in the truth of it's meanings.  Consider it's meaning.  Weigh it with your situation, and pray for grace to have more faith!

Unveil the truth more.

I see now that, by my actions and attitude, I seem to think it's unnecessary to abide in Christ every single day of every single minute.  Clearly the past few weeks have overpowered my rebellion and fears, and brought about rivers of living water like I have never felt before, but I was wrong to think that after two weeks I would start whistling my way through those narrow gates.  What is it in me that is overwhelmed by such a strong urge to "sustain myself" by myself in times when I most need to rely completely on Christ? 

***It's when the memory of an old idol (or several old idols) begins projecting themselves into my mind.  Mind you that when they appear they always try to show their luster more than their ghastly bite.  They elude to peace of mind rather than shame.  My automatic thought is that they are a threat to me, and in that seemingly good thought which begins making me feel afraid I have weakened the power of the cross.  That thought is the same instant that I have turned my eyes away from Jesus.****

And by grace I see again, even more penetrating this time, that I am so weak, but that He is so powerful.  By grace I revert my eyes back to Christ.  Standing there, seeing only myself and the anxiety, I can resist temptation by faith and pray that God will open up my spiritual eyes to glory.  But even if He doesn't, I'll still pray against all that tries to swallow me, and think about the goodness of God.  For in His being I can at least take a hold of hope, the hope that I am His beloved child.  F

All this is built up more by prayer from others as well.

And in Him I find complete rest (even from anxiety).

I have noticed, however, that this daily looking at Jesus will take practice, perhaps it will take until the day I physically die, but for the one who knows the treasure found in Christ will give all one has to pursue it.  

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it. 

(Matthew 13:45-46 ESV)

Jmegrey

Drawing out purpose from the heart

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. (Proverbs 20:5 ESV)

Drawing out my purpose from the well of my heart.

Takes time.

Where to begin?  The process of drawing out water takes prior preparation.  You need a bucket, something to pour the water into, and a plan for the water after it's been drawn.

My bucket is prayer, scripture, and writing.  The bowl for the water is my mind.  The plan is to wash away what is false and water what is true.  

I've had a fever the past two days, and it threw me for a loop spiritually, mentally, and physically!  Let me start by saying...I saw this coming.  The more I began to do (actively) the more I took pride in what I was doing, and pride comes before a downfall.  I don't know exactly where I started to let pride inflate, but the sense of "everything is a grace" had turned into a distant whisper rather than the resounding ringing revelation in my heart.  I made faithless choices in the midst of losing control and I let myself trick myself into being stressed out ...and for what?  All for my image.  To stay as one calm and collected, when really I was fighting to remain "on the wall" as Nehemiah had been.  I had a task, but I let myself down from the wall and away from the task for a brief moment.

I have a few things in mind that I desperately need for God to help me with, and it appears that I become easily distracted.  I had allotted myself some time to just wait and listen to God concerning a giant idol in my life, but with school starting, church events happening, and social gatherings, I lost my footing.  

I'm a fragile person.  

I need to set what is important as my first priority, and all other things must be sacrificed.  

So, once again I will stop myself from being in social functions, and focus on drawing out the purpose in my heart.  I'm already a pretty non-social person, but really being intentional about drawing out truth by prayer, scripture and writing takes specific efforts and specific sacrifices.

Maybe it's different for each person.  Maybe we are sure in different ways.

I just want to be sure that "what" I do is fueled by a very confident "why" I do. 

PS:  I've been thinking about what it means to have "fellowship" and be in a gospel centered community.  The term "fellowship" can be flipped and flopped around to mean anything from getting together over a meal to going bowling; pretty much any social gathering.  Being an introvert, I find it exhausting and stressful to be out with a bunch of people for longer than a couple hours.  I prefer one on one coffee talks, reading by the fire, or watching a movie (which requires silence).  So fellowship has been quite an anomaly for me, but I know it is for my good so I think it's important to figure out more specifically what is biblically beneficial and what is just "for fun".  However, the thought has also occurred to me that perhaps I find fellowship in most cases to be draining because I am trying to protect my image.  Maybe being around people for so long drains me because I am constantly trying to appear put together and "cool"?  Though I find that unlikely, to be honest.  Since I don't think anyone perceives me as that anyway, so maybe I'm just not sure enough yet.  What I mean is, perhaps the weight I give to words and conversations are heavier than others' and so that differing measure clashes with the readiness to speak and listen.  Although I still speak and listen if placed in the situation, mostly so as to avoid an awkward silence or offending the other person, but I find in me a strong preference to be in a place of peaceful quietness.  I have only one friend who shares this decadence with me, and it might sound weird but I thoroughly enjoy just sitting outside or inside with this friend...just sitting and thinking and sharing only what we draw out from the deepest waters of our hearts.  Mostly silent.  I love talking, but I don't like talking all the time.  Does that make sense?  Or maybe I've got my thoughts all wrong and twisted, maybe there's something deeper going on.  Whatever it is, I'm going to take time to draw it out, and hopefully I'll resurface with a refreshing take on fellowship, especially for all my introverted peers out there ;)

I find it important to really grasp what Jesus wanted for us to be like as His disciples.  To love one another is not an external action, but an internal one.  I know that actions of genuine feelings of love are a by product, but real love for another is written in 1 Corinthians 13-

"Love is patient and kind; 

love does not envy or boast; 

it is not arrogant or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; 

it is not irritable or resentful; 

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 

Love bears all things, 

believes all things, 

hopes all things, 

endures all things."

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)

It doesn't say "love hangs out", but real love will eventually free me of insisting on my own way or getting irritable as well.  Although I never "ought" to feel obligated (which I do most of the time I go to social gatherings), I should feel honored to love others the way God loves me.  Perhaps then I will enter into the kind of fellowship Christ designed for His church.  

By grace, Lord help me love others. 

Jmegrey

(Repost) by Paul Tripp

Though the power of sin has been broken, the presence of sin remains. So it’s vital that we remember the deceitfulness of sin. We tend to want to believe that we hold an accurate and reliable view of ourselves. But on this side of glorification that’s not always true, precisely because sin lives in a costume. While counseling pastors, I’ve often been struck with the reality that the man sitting in front of me lacked accurate knowledge of himself. And you can’t grieve what you don’t see, you can’t confess what you haven’t grieved, and you can’t repent of what you haven’t confessed.

Evil doesn’t always look evil, and sin often looks so good—this is part of what makes it so bad. In order for sin to do its evil work, it must present itself as something that is anything but evil. Life in a fallen world is like attending the ultimate masquerade party. An impatient moment of yelling wears the costume of zeal for truth. Lust masquerades as a love for beauty. Gossip lives in the costume of concern and prayer. Craving for power and control wears the mask of biblical leadership. Fear of man gets dressed up as being a peacemaker or having a servant heart. Pride in always being right masquerades as a love for biblical wisdom.

You’ll never understand sin’s sleight of hand until you acknowledge that a significant part of the DNA of sin is deception. As sinners we’re all very committed and gifted self-swindlers. No one is more influential in your life than you are, because you talk to yourself more than anyone else does. What you say to yourself is profoundly important. Your words either aid God’s work of conviction and confession or they assist sin’s system of deception. So it’s important to humbly admit that we’re all too skilled at looking at our own wrong and seeing good. We’re all much better at seeing the sin, weakness, and failure of others than we are our own. We’re all very good at being intolerant in others the very things that we willingly tolerate in ourselves. The bottom line is that sin causes us to not hear or see ourselves with accuracy. And we not only tend to be blind, but, to compound matters, we also tend to be blind to our blindness.

What does all of this mean? Even as you do the work of the ministry, it’s important to remember that accurate self-assessment is the product of grace. Only in the mirror of God’s Word and with the sight-giving help of the Holy Spirit are we able to see ourselves accurately. In those painful moments of accurate self-sight, we may not feel as if we are being loved, but that’s exactly what is happening. God, who loves us enough to sacrifice his Son for our redemption, works so that we’d see ourselves clearly, so that we’d not buy into the delusion of our own righteousness. He gives us a humble sense of personal need so we’ll seek the resources of grace that can only be found in him.

In this way, your painful moments of sight, conviction, grief, and confession are both the saddest and most joyous of moments. It’s sad that we yet need to confess what we must confess. At the same time, accurately seeing and fully acknowledging our sin is a cause for celebration. Only Jesus can open blind eyes. Whenever a sinner accurately assesses his sin, the angels in heaven rejoice, and so should we, even when that sinner is us.

-Taken from Paul Tripp's "Dangerous Calling" series.

Speculators be crampin' my style.

With change comes unfamiliarity, but with transformation comes faith. 

I pray for help to keep my eyes on Jesus when the fear and anxiety of speculation from others comes into my mind.  

Whether or not it is actually there, it's the fear and anxiety I pray to squelch.  

A fear of disappointing.  

A fear of failing.

A fear of tainting my reputation (further)

A fear of looking dumb.

The more my appetite for Jesus alone grows, the more I begin to almost see and taste the speculation of others that I fear.  It's there at almost every corner I make.  Their eyes on me, whether real or imagined, are doing a hell of a job to place me back into fear of man.  Their eyes still matter, especially the eyes of those I love most or who love me most.  Love is an invaluable treasure, so it makes sense to me why that makes it scary to place myself in a hypothetical situation where I disappoint those eyes.  However, it's also a fear of just looking dumb on my part.  In general.  I have this deep ingrained desire to be liked and loved, admired and viewed as beautiful and intelligent.  The desires I have are often all about me, meaning they have little to nothing to do with glorifying God.  Even speculation of others makes me scared that I will be a bad representation of Jesus, as if Jesus needed defending.  -__-  if I'm to believe He is God then there's no chance that my life will ever take even an ounce of His glory away.  That sugar coated concern is all about me.  I want to look good even in representing Jesus, but to be honest...I can't even do that well!  I need Jesus, because I need Jesus...not because I need to live a life more representative of Him...that is secondary to the primary need...which is my utter incapability to do anything good apart from Him. The moment it is about me is the same moment I fail.  

Although not as much, speculation still scares me.  

What are they thinking about me?  What are they noticing?  Are they skeptical?  And then I even think that some are probably just watching and waiting to see me fail, the more epic my fall the greater their amusement....and that kills me.  Kills me.  Well, let it kill me then, so that I might be resurrected with Him.  I don't like this me anyway.  The me that is so scared of speculation and concerned with my self so much.  Even now I am getting sick of hearing all this about me.  

Jesus is Lord.  Even those words feel so awkward and almost embarrassing to say, and that is something I wonder about.  Perhaps it is a mixture of wanting to be more emphatically precise in the message that Jesus is Lord with the hunched shoulders of knowing that He is not a popular figure to be given that much attention and devotion.  At least not in this culture where balance and quelling our immediate appetites are so strong.  

Jesus to me means understanding that I can be free from all fears, including that of speculation.  Which in itself is such an odd...confession.  I think about my faith and what Is currently potentially holding me back from further knowing God and walking out my faith in my life and the answer is simply: speculation.  (Though I'm certain many more will rear their ugly heads down the line, but what use to dwell on what is not even there yet?  I think about what I need to think about now.)

Perhaps because I have failed so many times in life, my logic tells me I will probably fail again.  My spirit even tells me I will never be perfect until I am sinless...in other words until I am with God in heaven.

The two may first appear to be giving me the same message, however one is completely devoid of hope, while the latter is in an ocean of deep and wide beautiful hope.

So knowing I will fail becomes just fine, in fact, not just fine but freeing...and then elating because the more I fail the more He gets involved in my life.  And that is my goal at the end, to have Him.  

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

-Matthew 5:6

Be satisfied.  

I like looking at the different words and meanings of one word, as well as their antonyms:

Satisfied -

adjective: content

appeased

certain

compensated

contented

convinced

filled

fulfilled

gratified

happy

paid

positive

quenched

requited

sated

satiated

supplied

verb: please, content

amuse

animate

appease

assuage

befriend

brighten up

captivate

capture

cheer

cloy

comfort

conciliate

delight

do the trick

elate

enliven

entertain

enthrall

exhilarate

fascinate

fill

fill the bill

Antonyms (opposite words of "satisfied", and what you leave behind when you hunger and thirst for Jesus:

anger

disappoint

discontent

dissatisfy

upset

dissuade

fail

frustrate

I don't know the Hebrew or Greek word used in the bible for that word, but "satisfied" could only go in so many directions.  One cannot really dilute a word like "satsified".  It's like diluting a word like "everything".  Everything can never mean much outside of...EVERYTHING. 

I want to encourage all believers to understand who Jesus is, and that in Him there is no fear, only freedom from all that encumbers us from joy in life.  It takes desire and faith on your part, but MOST of all it takes grace from God.  The bible gives us the way to such grace too!  

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but GIVES GRACE to the HUMBLE.” 

-James 4:6 ESV

Speculation may scare me (I mean I can't be more expressive about the kind of thoughts that compound to make this such a giant, but one more fear is that I may one day fall away from my faith and all this will have been my biggest folly, I will look like such a fool!  I think what if I fall away?  What if something entices me more than God's love---which feels impossible right now, but I tend to think of every angle.  But the more I thirst for God the more I see speculation, from others and even myself, of my ability to keep running...)

Which I just read last night is impossible <--- another word like "satisfied" and "everything".  Impossible.  

Hebrews states the impossibility of one who is saved to ever fall away and be saved again, in other words it's a situation that would never happen.  Therefore once you are saved, you are always saved.

For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. 

-Hebrews 6:4-6 ESV

It is Impossible to fall away.

Speculation--it might even make me stumble a few times, but it is nothing that Jesus cannot use for my good.  To teach me humility, to give more grace.  

I'm still learning, and I'm probably making mistakes in what I say, but if nothing makes sense and I can only say one thing it would be to thirst and hunger for Him, so much so that nothing <----another one--stands in your way...not even speculation.  ;)

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be SATISFIED."

-Matthew 5:6

You can't be satisfied while being dissatisfied.

What do you think?

-jmegrey 

My critics (in my head, haha) might argue that satisfaction can come in another way.  And to that I say "it can!"  So go be satisfied by something else temporarily, but only Jesus satisfies eternally.  

Adventures of a Weakling!

I love this verse.  I love that in my weakness God's power is made perfect.  Why?  I mean, I am quite obsessed and intoxicated by this truth, because I am so weak!  I am so unbelievably weak!  I don't even know how to put into words just how weak I am, but the sheer fact that Christ said His power is made perfect in weakness makes this verse intoxicating.  That's how weak I am.  Haha.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

-2 Corinthians 12:9

As I go about my day I notice all the little microscopic areas of my life that I forget about God, and in those moments I am taking life as a solo act, an individual...therefore I only have my resources to pull from, which, when bad things happen, are mostly anger, selfishness, greed, jealousy, fear, and the like; all SIN.  

It is in those moments that I realize I am forgetting that the Holy Spirit dwells in me;  that He was and is right there in the space I stand in as I was doling out anger or frustration.  I forget in either of two ways: intentionally or unintentionally.

Regardless He is there--not just with me, but inside of me as my heart begins beating with whatever intentions and motives that often undermine God's authority and love for me.

When I am reminded by the Holy Spirit that He is there, I am simultaneously reminded of His power and His perfection for this very situation.  I am reminded that I am free to relax and let God's power perfect me.  I am free to continue forward in His righteousness through a sheer act of faith, unable to see, yet believing that God is God even (and especially) in this situation.  And that one step of obedience through faith....that-- that step moves mountains.  

For me, personally, as I get to know God more and become more confident in who He is, through obedience, I have noticed a very sensitive area for me--  It is the fear of disappointing others.  And it also has to do with understanding just how weak I am.  The more I see my glorious weakness as Christ's perfection, the more I also see the very high possibility for disappointing others in the cases that I forget God is there-- which is pretty often.

However, that's another reason I love this verse!  I know that I become  blunderingly weak in moments where I see myself as a disappointment to others or myself.  I mean, weak as a 3 year old arm wrestling with an NFL linebacker.  Weak as putty.  And recognizing that helps me stay more aware that it is simultaneously in those moments that God's power is amplified should I choose to relax in those moments, and let Him perfect His power.  That's my biggest stage for Him at the moment.  When I become fearful of disappointing others or myself then I know it's showtime, the grand entrance, the climax, the miraculous, the adventure in believing in God!

He's with me now,

Jmegrey

PS: it usually looks like a big acquisition  for a little tiny person.  

(For lack of a photographer/drawer, here's my "weak" rendition.)

(By Sharon Im- lasso on moon) 

Thanks! 

In the Dark (a poem)

There I was,
all alone
in the Dark.

Dark covered me,
I thought I saw,
but I couldn't see.

For years the Dark

 imprisoned me,
Every pursuit was empty.

In the Dark I'd lay dying,
All was vanity,
but I kept on living.

Dark smiled at me,
Smiling back, fearfully,
until by grace I disagreed.

Again, the Dark fed me,
an avalanche of lies!

Numbing, instant, temporarily.

There I was,
all alone
in the Dark.

God in omniscience 

Steadfast in love

Let me in darkness

His purpose above.

By grace I was found,
To see His sovereignty,

Glorious splendor of true Majesty!

Blind eyes He opened,

Light unveiled my heart

To look with bright gaze 

into the dark.

There I was

He was there,

Light of dawn.

I stepped into Thee.

-Jmegrey

--

But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day. The way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know over what they stumble. 

(Proverbs 4:18-19 ESV)

3 steps to WISDOM. (Fear of The Lord)

-Proverbs 2-

for you lazy blog readers: it's simply READ.  SEEK.  PERSIST. 

1.  Read the Words of God to know what He says 

verse 1. My son, if you receive my words

    and treasure my commands,

2.  Seek to understand by listening (meaning stop talking and just listen).  Then incline your heart (desire) to want to want to want to know the many parts that don't make sense, especially in regards to your life in alignment! 

Verse 2-Turning your ear to wisdom,

    inclining your heart to understanding;

3.  Persist in step two but with the vigor of one crying out in the streets!  Search her out (I find desperation in the search is very helpful...so if you're desperate that's a good thing!)

 Look as when you look and seek the things you usually treasure (money, beauty, success, etc!  We do crazy things to get what we want, and this verse is asking us to use that same determination when we "look for" understanding and intelligence.

Verse 3 and 4- Yes, if you call for intelligence,

    and to understanding raise your voice;

  If you seek her like silver,

    and like hidden treasures search her out,

4.  Voila!

Verse 5-  Then will you understand the fear of the Lord;

    the knowledge of God you will find;

What? That's crazy....crazy true! 

And the chapter goes on...

For the Lord gives wisdom,

    from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;

7 He has success in store for the upright,

    is the shield of those who walk honestly,

8 Guarding the paths of justice,

    protecting the way of his faithful ones,

9 Then you will understand what is right and just,

    what is fair, every good path;

10 For wisdom will enter your heart,

    knowledge will be at home in your soul,

11 Discretion will watch over you,

    understanding will guard you;

12 [c]Saving you from the way of the wicked,

    from those whose speech is perverse.

13 From those who have left the straight paths

    to walk in the ways of darkness,

14 Who delight in doing evil

    and celebrate perversity;

15 Whose ways are crooked,

    whose paths are devious;

16 [d]Saving you from a stranger,

    from a foreign woman with her smooth words,

17 One who forsakes the companion of her youth

    and forgets the covenant of her God;

18 For her path sinks down to death,

    and her footsteps lead to the shades.[e]

19 None who enter there come back,

    or gain the paths of life.

20 Thus you may walk in the way of the good,

    and keep to the paths of the just.

21 [f]For the upright will dwell in the land,

    people of integrity will remain in it;

22 But the wicked will be cut off from the land,

    the faithless will be rooted out of it.

----

My theology as of now, however, does not view this as a guarantee, but a GRACE.  God doesn't have to give us anything, let alone wisdom or understanding.  He can do what He wants, He's God (something I discovered after step 3), and this chapter sings a glorious splendor of His majesty all gushing forth and brightly reigning! 

Jmegrey. 

My faith and confidence in The Lord skyrocketed when I looked at these verses and felt the real grit and glory of them.   I pray it does the same for you as you search for wisdom and understanding, and not your own (which if you're honest you know has way too many pot holes), but there is an understanding that reaches to God.  I am certain.  And I love that I can say that: "I am certain."

I just imagined that if I had a creative photographer to bring these words to picture-life it would be pretty cool.  

(Note to self)

There is a vast God to behold.

The Sweetness in Sorrows!

He turns rivers into a desert, springs of water into thirsty ground,

He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. (Psalm 107:33, 35 ESV)

The Lord both gives and takes away.  He is God, He can and will do what He wants.  (Which is good news to us who believe and know Him). 

If you call that unjust, you could only ever believe that you, yourself are god.  I hope for your sake, that such a statement means you have an eternity ready for you as well.  

---

This sweet time with God, the past 4 days, has really been just that...so sweet!

The Sweetness in Sorrows.

I know life will get hard again, things will happen, hormones might drop kick me, people might say hurtful things, money might be lost, my car might break down, a car might cut me off, someone might flip me the bird, a friend could tragically pass away, I could get diagnosed with an impairing ailment, a bird could poop on my face, my parents could reject me, my peers could abandon or discourage me, things could just get so out of control, ...

so many "justified" reasons for me to react in such a way that contradicts my view of the one absolutely only God.  The God who is God, regardless of what I think.  The God who sent His child to bleed and be killed for someone like me!  I think about this.  Then in moments when I am disappointed, ungrateful or angry at God, I recall that many sacrifices had to be made, including this bad situation, but more so including the death of Jesus, in order for me to have eternity with God.  Such sacrifices then become sweet sorrows.  I have what I want most, and that is all that matters, really.  Yes, I would like this or that situation to change in my current and temporary life on earth, but all that falls not only secondary to what I already have, but it is becoming astoundingly more vivid that grace and steadfast love wrap around everything in my life, whether I perceive them as "good" or "bad".  Before I only saw things the way I saw them, but now I see them differently. 

It's like  I see as one who puts on prescription lenses for the first time, the clarity and the precision!  

When I first got glasses as a kid in first grade, I still remember (and my mom loves to reenact it) the entire car ride home I kept exclaiming "The leaves!  The trees have leaves!"  At the time it was funny, because before having glasses I was walking around thinking everything was meant to be blurry.  But afterwards I saw the beautiful trees and the leaves that give them life and color.  And now, almost 20 something years later, I could easily take "the leaves" for granted, until I remember again that I once only saw blurs.  The leaves show themselves to me all over again.  It's not that they were no longer there, but it was that over time I had chosen not to remember them.  When I do remember I allow myself the joy of their beauty all over again.  

Having been through some really painful and confusing times in life, as I'm sure we can all attest to, The Lord first opened my eyes to His grace when He found me and revealed Himself to me.  It was in that moment, that I saw grace, as I had seen "the leaves!".  Now, as the days and months and years go by I can begin forgetting all that I once first saw as my saving grace and salvation, but I open the bible and there it is!  The entire book from Genesis to Revelations remind me that I have all that I want, and if I ever begin to forget I can only say that God, in His mercy, uses every "good" and "bad" situation in my life to bring me back.  Back to the sweetness.  

Faith is the Christian lens, the Bible is the prescription.  

What "good" or "bad" situation in your life is this sweet reminder, dear friend? 

--

Sidenote:  

When it is particularly difficult for me to see "the leaves" of God's grace and mercy and love in a "bad" situation, I choose to run to Him in desperate prayer.  I choose, because He gives me a choice.  

In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer. 

(Psalm 109:4 ESV)

God's love is steadfast especially when yours is not.

But they soon forgot his works; they did not wait for his counsel. But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and (they) put God to the test in the desert;

Then they despised the pleasant land, having no faith in his promise.

but they mixed with the nations and learned to do as they did. They served their idols, which became a snare to them.

Thus they became unclean by their acts, and played the whore in their deeds.

For their sake he remembered his covenant, and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love. (Psalm 106:13-14, 24, 35-36, 39, 45 ESV)

Whoa. 

I mean, whoooaaa---.

God remembered His covenant.  Well what "covenant"?

That should be the first question in order to share with me the "whoa".

Otherwise it's just a smack over the head, and you walk away;

In one ear, out the other;

It will just pass right over! 

Did it? 

Did you understand those verses?  I mean did it make sense to you?  Maybe read it again to double check. 

The first reference is talking about how they (God's people) forgot about God.  Understandable, we are forgetful beings.  Though that does not justify their forgetfulness.  Then they got inpatient with God's timing, and decided not to wait for His counsel.  They let their cravings take over, and cravings that are not directed toward God are wanton by nature.  (I'm talking to Christians who believe that God is God, and believe the bible when it says that all glory belongs to Him).  And in their depravity, and throughout the 40 years of going around in the wilderness, they topped it all off by assuming they were in a position to test God.  And all this was AFTER they saw 10 plagues, a pillar of guiding fire by night, and the freaking ocean split and swallow the Egyptians!  Sighhhhhh.  

Then it says: "they despised the pleasant land, having no faith in his promise"

God's people started thinking "that place God speaks of (Canaan) is probably not even that great."  How I've had that same reaction so many times myself as a means of protecting my ego or my emotions.  Rather than facing my depravity and failings, and holding fast to God as good, I have oftentimes blamed God for bad circumstances and with that foolish mentality I contaminated, for myself, God's good and perfect will (which of course never changes on His end).

They went farther by conforming to the people around them, looking to other people, things, and ideas to satisfy them!  They acted like whores.  

Having once claiming to "love God" they turned their backs on Him when they didn't get what they wanted, when they wanted, and how they wanted.  That's not love!  I would never marry someone who said they would love me only if and when I did what they wanted, how they wanted and when they wanted.  I'd say that sounds more like a slave than a loving relationship.  Yet I have turned my back on God many times to chase after other things to satisfy me, all whilst saying "yea God, I love you, but"  ...I would love sin.  God and sin cannot be in the same heart.  

Yet.  Yet God kept from wiping all those insignificant and disobedient people out because of His mercy.  He remembered His covenant, and in His steadfast love for His people, for you and me, He showed us mercy even when we did all that.

We are here because of His steadfast love for us.  

His covenant from the very beginning, which was man's redemption (aka to be able to be with God) to "crush the head of the serpent(sin)", fulfilled by Jesus's death and resurrection is what amplifies God's love for you and me.  He loved His people back then, and He loves His people today.  

Just like the Israelites I have made heinous mistakes and presumptions about what God should and shouldn't be or therefore do.  I have gotten angry with Him, I have blamed Him, and I have turned to other "gods" to replace what I lacked in Him.  Yet throughout all this, I have found that only in my deepest darkest hours, my most pathetic and humiliating weaknesses has God proved His steadfast love for me strongest.  It's by His grace that I have experienced any pain if that led me to correct my view of God.  Otherwise I would have left my faith behind.  But God was relentless in His love for me!  He wouldn't let me go!

Take heart, when bad things happen it could just be that in God's great mercy and steadfast love He is essentially calling you to Him.  Because it is in those moments that you have the grace to make a choice whether to have faith in God or not.  Believe in God!

If I had never suffered I would never have questioned my theology, or view of God.  The joy of suffering is sharing in God's completeness.

James 1:2-4 says

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

God promised to make a way for us to Him, to perfection and completeness.  Think again when you start to crave wanton things in your depravity, and remember the steadfast love of God who, by grace, is letting you go through whatever ensnares you so that you see how it leads to nothing, in order for you to come to the decision to repent and turn back to Him.  

Let your steadfast love come to me, O Lord, your salvation according to your promise; then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me, for I trust in your word.

This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. 

(Psalm 119:41-42, 50 ESV)

Whoa.  I see His steadfast love for me!

J.

X men and hope.

X-men

What a great movie.  Action and emotional impact set aside (my two favorite elements for a good film), there was one part in the film that grabbed my utmost attention.  It had everything to do with the things I had been learning as I have been getting knee deep in the bible.  

It was when professed Xavier told himself something along the lines of "experiencing your pain and enduring your pain is necessary and the only way to ignite the reality of the existence of hope.  Hope was the last human condition when all other things failed, that could save them."  

And I watched that scene as a tear fell down my cheek.  You don't look very hard for hope unless you get desperately in need of it.  

Nothing has been more painful and yet more hopeful and life changing than facing the sin in me and ripping it off, piece by piece.  Things I held dear, like beauty, reputation, comfort, respect and control had all become idols in me that bred all kinds of side effects like anger, greed, selfishness, self criticism and pride if and when they were jeopardized.  Seeing my sin was painful because they were things I initially desired, before they became sin once I had begun desiring them MORE than God.  My identity was in some of those things.  So when it was threatened or as it naturally faded or collapsed, I would too.  That's when I realized I wanted to put my identity in something that would never collapse, never fade, so that I, too would never collapse or fade.  I would be free to not have to be or prove myself in anything in this life of roughly 60 more years, because my hope was in Christ who imputed His perfect righteousness on me.  What is higher than eternal perfection?  I was free to not be offended.  Free to help others rather than straining to get mine first.  Free to forgive since I was also more forgiven by God.  Free to give love to someone who mistreated me!  That's powerful stuff!  Like to genuinely love someone who disses you is impossible if you don't first realize how genuinely loved you are by a God who you dissed and disrespected for so long.  It's gotta make sense first before anything else.  It's starting to make more sense to me, and I know better now than to think I had much to do with such a grace.  Understanding is a grace from God.  He gives grace to the humble.  

I see grace everywhere, in everything now.  It's all over me, and I'm loving it!  So much so I'm like....scared to even give the slightest hint of thinking "well maybe that was coincidence or just me", because I don't even want to entertain a single notion that might veil my eyes again from all this glorious grace!  Who cares why I have it, I'm just grateful it's there, and I'd like to keep it forever.  

Hope.

Hope changes a person's will.  

They say "where there's a will, there's a way."

So the question begs, "where does one get the will to find the way?"  And the answer is in first searching for believable hope.  The kind of hope you find at the end of everything, there's always one last glimmer of something that you pretty much have to go all in for.  It's in the movie, and it's in real life...it's in the bible! 

"they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits’ end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress."(Psalm 107:27-28 ESV)

When you reach "rock bottom" or the "end of yourself" that's where you'll most vividly see that after all the more mediocre things have been exhausted, there at the end is your "one last hope".  And that is where you will begin to pick up the will to find the way.  The way to life that is bursting at the seams with unfading, unceasing, permanent eternity.  What could possibly offer more hope than that? 

Hope.

What do you have hope in?  

My hope is in Jesus, because everything else has an expiration date. 

I mean that's why I am doing this...entering this relationship with an invisible God, and to be honest...it's way more joy than frustration, and that was very unexpected.

Run to God or wear a necklace made of poop.

I don't think I've ever written a "series", but I'm going to start one today's. It's going to be a bundle of consecutive entries on psalms.

These 3 verses were so understandable and compelling as I sought for something to "teach" me in the psalms.

Truly God is good ...to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

 (Psalm 73:1-3 ESV)

Have I been envious of people before?  Definitely.  Those beautiful people.  Those accomplished people.  Those funny people.  Those gifted people.  Those rich people.  Those fashionable people.  Those witty people.  Those intellectual people.  Those national geographic photographer people.  Those able to speak well people.  Those naturally skinny people.  Those with the cutest kids people.  Those married to hot husbands people.  Those with best selling books people.  Those with cool Instagrams people.  Those with beautiful friends people.  Those with extraordinaire meaningful careers people.  And I could think of a few hundred more.  They may not all be wicked or be what I would at first glance call wicked, but in terms of God's definition: all who are not perfectly righteous are wicked.  By even human definition righteousness does not mean partly good and partly bad.  That by definition is neutrality or mediocrity.  It contains a false sense of righteousness within their definitions, along with a very real sense of wickedness or sinfulness.  If you're not righteous you're wicked.  There's no "middle" ground.  In fact the person who might be half righteous and half wicked is by definition only wicked, for to be righteous means there is no trace of any wickedness.  By definition you cannot be righteous and wicked.  A wicked person does not have some righteousness, and a righteous person does not have some wickedness.  It's not "balanced".  How can it be?  How can we be wicked but sometimes righteous?  Or perfect but sometimes imperfect?  We cannot, they go against one another.  They lose their definition when you try to mix them.  At which point you're beginning to make up your own rules  and definitions to fit your preferences and lifestyle rather than follow the ones laid out by God.  Doing this is common, but it also never leads to a satiating result.  It is temporary at best, because we are temporary at best.  We cannot escape our mortality.  All humans have an end; all human beings eventually die.  But God is not temporary,  He is eternal.  Therefore His rules and definitions are not temporary, and what He says will remain true forever.  

"but the word of the Lord remains forever.” And this word is the good news that was preached to you."

-1 Peter 1:25

Our words are products of mortality, the are thought of and spoken by us who are made of what will eventually die.  What will not die is our soul and our spirit.  And even if we argue that what we say or think might be eternal because we have a eternal substance within us (our soul/spirit) then two things should be considered.  First, that if we are forever being on the inside then that means there is certainly life after death.  Secondly, does it suffice you to take a chance and dismiss what could be eternity spent with God or eternity in hell?  I don't say this to scare anyone, but I say this because I think about this.  I would rather bank on eternity with God and avoiding eternity in hell (which would suck!) then take a chance at some other completely unknowable eternity.  I just think that's pretty sane.  

(And there's much to be considered in approaching such clear truths, but for the sake of having a solid foundation I just want to get the fundamentals down first as best as I can...every stone and mortar (bonding material) exquisitely smoothed and set as I begin to build this pyramid representing my relationship with God.  I need to first start with what's foundational before I can get to what is next.  But it does help to keep in mind that I am building a relationship that has the purpose of finishing at the end of my life, but that as I build it does grow stronger and more exquisite.  It's not just an ambiguous mess of cement and broken pieces that I glue or patch up here and there.)

So...

Understanding this helps one understand why it was our sin that separated us from God who is righteous.  He, by definition, cannot be with or have any association with wickedness or imperfection...again because of the definition of righteousness.  

Which is why if we see our sin, and how it is all over us like microscopically imbedded cancer cells that spread and grow, even in the hidden parts us, we realize our unrighteousness and impossible state of escaping this.  This sin in us was with us since birth because we as humans inherited it from Adam.  It was imputed on us because of Adam.  Likewise when we realize our situation, we see the state we are in: headed toward the place separated from God--which is by definition: hell.  We are all born sinners, headed for hell because of what was imputed on us by one man who broke the world.  The glorious good news of the bible is that in the same manner we are "born again" into Christ Jesus who took all of our sin and imputed His perfection on us.

We get righteousness because of one man: Jesus.  We had wickedness imputed on us because of one man: Adam, but by God's love for the world He sent His Son to be the perfect righteousness able to give that to us.  The only One who was able because He was God and did not have that wickedness imputed on him as all other people born as creations had.  He chose to make himself like one of us!  Because that was the only way we could have imputed righteousness.  And for what reason?  His reason to impute righteousness on us through one "man" was for us!  He just wanted us!  He could've wiped us out and started again or just never started another, but He wanted us!  He wants you.  He wants me.  And we now have a choice.  We can remain in wickedness or we can believe in Jesus and take on righteousness.  This righteousness has nothing to do with us or what we do.  It is imputed.  Just like our wickedness had nothing to do with what we had done, but it was imputed on us AT BIRTH.  just as righteousness is imputed on us through a second birth.  The first was by man, the second is by the Holy Spirit.  what we have is choice.  A free will.  We choose to remain in our state, our first birthright as sinners full of wickedness (by definition) or we can choose to go through a second birth by the Holy Spirit to receive a new state of perfection!  I mean...wow.  This is like so cool.  I have a loss for words at the understanding of this.  The simplicity, but for so long this truth was blurred and made ambiguous to me.  I had never really thought it could make sense, until I was convicted that the answers I had were not good enough for me.  I wanted the truth, and I wanted it understandable.  I wanted to know badly enough to face whatever it took, and it took facing my sin, seeing it there in me like a necklace of poop I had been wearing.  It was gross, embarrassing, and made me feel disgusting.  But before I just ignored it or didn't care to look at what was causing such a stench in my life, blaming others, blaming circumstances, blaming anything but my seemingly innocent self, when all that blaming did nothing I was at the end of my rope.  So now, using the same metaphor that I don't feel so esteemed about, haha, but oh well, now I've looked and seen the necklace of poop.  I see it: my sins.  So now what.  Seeing it doesn't accomplish making it go away.  Seeing it is only the first step you have to take to be able to understand what the stench was.  Then you have to ask how it got there, what it means, why it remains there, how to get it off for good, and who can help you get it off.  Can you be helped?  What is "being helped" mean in terms of the actions you take and the actions the "helper" takes.  

I'm so drawn into finding out more! 

I know it's confusing, and it's daunting to tread on unknown terrain, but it's also really fun! 

Already there are thoughts and questions and ideas crowding at me all at once- "why after this new birth do we still sin then?!", "what about when we feel alone?", "other people have already discovered everything you've discovered and probably ever will discover.", "you're just going to fail.", "is this God talking to me while the devil or myself is also talking to me?", "will I be able to differentiate the two, and if so do the two represent one being of the physical body and the other of the spirit?", " this is so interesting!", "surely I won't remain constantly this interested, which will suck.", "I wonder about physical discomforts and spiritual discomforts...", "physical comforts and spiritual comforts...", "this is soooo interesting!!", "I should go to the gym soon, I need to raise my physical heart rate to match my spiritual raised heart rate! Haha", "ok I'm feeling the feeling slipping away, and I knew this was a reality."

Among other thoughts, those are the ones at present that made it from mind to thumbs on my iPhone.  Yes I write most of my entries via iPhone. :)

Anyway, I will write without much inhibition for now since this is for me, and hopefully when I write as part of an offering to God as well as an acceptance of His grace, I will edit and rewrite my entries with better coherency and specificity for others who read it.

Going back to psalms...

He has pity on the weak and the needy, and saves the lives of the needy. (Psalm 72:13 ESV)

What brings myself to realizing just how weak and needy I have always been, and have continued to become?  The task of taking time to face what I hated looking at, the sin in me, the real desires I had, and what I believed those desires held in store for me (and my soul).

It took a deep understanding on my part, which meant making the effort to ask questions until I found equitable answers.  "That's just the way it is" never lasted very long as a satisfying notion.  Not for someone like me who expected more from living.

But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. (Psalm 73:16-17 ESV)

A wearisome task.

It does seem wearisome at first, even for a while.  Maybe for 20 years.  Maybe for 20 hours.  But God is the one who gives us sufficient grace to understand.  He is, after all, the only eternal Being who has the capability of giving us eternal answers, so run to God.  

Run to God.  

Addendum:

I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.

But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:22-24, 28 ESV)

David took the words right out of my mouth!  Or I should say, I took the words unintentionally and unknowingly right out of his mouth.  ;)

So weird. (Grace)

I recently watched the Passion of the Christ (for the umpteenth time) at my church and I remember first thinking "why is it that God glorifies Jesus because He died for us", but my question was more like "why was His dying so significant and special", because I started thinking about how almost all his disciples (except John) willingly accepted death for the sake of the gospel.  So then I thought "well, they died for the gospel, so what's so special that Jesus gave His  life when the disciples, and many missionaries today, die as well for The Gospel?"  

I thought, and thought, and had to keep asking different questions for the answer to whatever it was that didn't quite make sense.

Why was Jesus's dying so special?  The thing that was really bothering me was the fact that sometimes when I thought about Jesus and "His sacrifice" I didn't get that overwhelming sense of WOW, knees drop, tears flow, and I am amazed.  I mean, sometimes I do, but not always, and I understand now that all the times it did hit me was a grace from God because I had never actually taken the time to consider why the death of Jesus was so different than the death of martyrs.  

I asked "what was so special about Jesus's death?"

Here is what I realized that made it all ...so WEIRD!!

1.  Jesus was the only one who could even make the sacrifice of dying to take away sin because, unlike man, He was also God; sinless.  A sinner cannot pay the debt of sin since they are in debt themselves, only One who does not have debt can pay off a debt.  The debt was sin.  Man separated himself from God the day he partook in direct disobedience by eating the apple of the forbidden tree.  Mankind was made sinner through one man.  Mankind was redeemed through one man as well.  So first off, Jesus was different than his disciples dying or missionaries today giving their lives, because Jesus was also God and therefore sinless.

Again, and more...

I thought "why was Jesus's death so special compared to the same kind of deaths his disciples experienced",  I wondered was the death that Jesus died (a great suffering indeed, strong enough for anyone to feel indebted) the main reason why I should be grateful and amazed?  I was certainly grateful, but it was somehow less understood than I wanted, and I was certainly amazed that Jesus who lived 2000 some years prior to my existence died for me, wretched sinner that I am.  However, the death itself was less glorified at times, and that made me wonder for the first time, why that was?  And I had to ask questions as any investigator does, and I had to start somewhere.  The first thing that came to mind was "how come the sacrifice in giving up His life was so viewed as awesome, when all His disciples gave their lives as well (and how we are called to give ours)?  Possible theories included the idea that He was maybe the first one to make that kind of a sacrifice?   This his example led the way.  But even that, true as it is, was not enough understanding, I wanted to know more.  So I had to ask, who was Jesus that He was "special" and it was like a Simpson moment where I was smacked by the Holy Spirit's hand "Doh!" Jesus was not just a man nor was He just God.  He was God BEFORE he was a man. 

That's so weird.

That is so weird.

You know what made it all the more weird?!  While I was watching the movie (which I know is not entirely accurate, but the main message is given) I was pointedly convicted by the fact that this entire time there were two groups in the movie: The Jews, who handed Jesus over to Be killed, but more distinctly the Romans, otherwise known as "Gentiles" (which also includes myself) that were Doing the actual infliction of suffering and murder.  This made a difference for me because of two things.  

Before I write the two things I want to point out a thought that occurred, but that could be useless or even wrong, but nonetheless still led me to a closer revelation of the magnitude of Jesus's death.  The thought was that when I considered the deaths of the disciples I invariably had to remember that the disciples indeed had sin in them.  This meant that each one of them, and every missionary today that gets killed for the gospel, honorable as their deaths were and are, are not killed without having sin in them (of which Christ paid for).  More specifically, let's say for example Peter was being ridiculed and whipped by a Roman guard before being crucified upside down for the gospel.  It's very possible that Peter was not so much loving his persecutor as He was relying on God to help him persevere during his sufferings and/or even give him justice (or even more specifically wanting his persecutor to be punished or having any sort of non-perfect/ unloving thoughts toward his persecutors or the Romans/Gentiles in general).  I point this out because it made a huge difference for me.  Just thinking (and watching on the movie) about the part where Jesus was being spit at, ridiculed, falsely accused, misjudged, and belittled and mocked, just that in itself...made me think about times when I've been wrongly accused.  I've never been spit at (which I think is intensely more humiliating, condescending and the physical culmination of all the other things), but I have definitely been misjudged and wrongly accused, and that was enough to make my insides burn until it felt like I had incinerated my very beating heart, being that I'm introverted and self righteous so I am very good at not showing my attitude of negativity.  I recalled this one time when my dad had found a crack in the wall of the kitchen above the counter where there was a telephone.  He saw it and immediately he asked me if I had done it, but his expression, the fact that he asked me first, and his tone thickly felt implicative that he wasn't really asking me, he was wanting a confession.  I was so angry, so hurt, and at the time did not feel very much love towards him because I did not do it (granted looking back I was probably overreacting--a natural part of being a teenager) however, the point is that to have love for someone, genuine love, a love that persists even DURING a moment like that...that is crazy.  And that's what Jesus did.  He proved it by going all the way and finishing His death on the cross, even as they were casting lots for His garments after having rammed nails into his hands and feet!  I mean, THAT IS SO WEIRD TO ME.  

Jesus was dying for the very people who were killing Him.  Not just the Jews who were explicitly delighting in His death, which is sickening, but for the Romans who were most likely completely unaware that Jesus's death had very much to do with Jesus's love for them as well!  And more than that Jesus was well aware that they were unaware!!  I don't know about you, but having the understanding of another's awareness or lack thereof makes an excruciating difference.  When I was younger and my parents would correct me, if I didn't feel loved by them, then I most certainly was not about to give them the pleasure of seeing me change lest they thought they were the ones who helped me, because that would give them the satisfaction of being right.  No way Jose, even if I knew they were right, I did whatever I had to to keep them unaware of how I felt inside.  Because it is hard to do something, even if it is good for myself, if the person who is punishing or rebuking me is not someone I trust or look up to.  Now let's look at it from Christ's point of view as much as possible.  Not only was Jesus being unjustly rebuked and incorrectly accused, whereas I was justly rebuked and correctly accused and still got upset!  He was dying for people who were completely unaware of the immeasurable magnitude of which included their lives as well, and He knew it, every time He looked into their faces or among the crowds and into the eyes of His executioner as they whipped Him, placed a crown of thorns on Him, and pounded rusty nails into His flesh, he saw them and knew they thought they were just killing some insane nut job claiming to be the "King of the Jews".  I mean, to love them in that moment....THAT IS SO WEIRD.  And that makes a HUGE difference, for me at least, between the death of Jesus and the death the disciples experienced.  Of course there was Stephen who prayed for the people stoning him, so maybe Stephen was also sincerely loving in that moment, I don't know, because he was just a human as well, empowered by God to speak and endure, but Jesus was not just a human, He was God.  He didn't have to die for any reason!  Stephen had to die because he preached the gospel and by his death he fulfilled the will of God.  Jesus died to be the gospel, the beginning of the will of God.  Stephen was motivated and compelled by the grace of what Jesus had done for him.  Jesus was motivated and compelled by God's love for the very people spitting on His Son's face!  THAT IS SO WEIRD. 

Ok so somewhere within that thought I distinguished the main two differences between the death Jesus died with all other martyrs.  

1.  Jesus was God and had it perfect from the beginning; He was perfect, sinless!  (This also why He was our only hope to being redeemed, if we had any hope at all, He was it!  I used to feel like "yea, then of course He had to die, just like it's obligatory for my parents to feed and raise me I felt like it was God's obligation to die for me, obligation has to have a why, a reason that it is obligatory though.  My parents are obligated because God commands them to be.  However, nobody can command God to do anything, cuz He's God!  What God did had nothing to do with obligation and everything to do with love, pure unadulterated love that finished paying our tragic debt off in willingness, in GRACE.  Nothing and no one else was sinless so if He didn't die we would all never get to be with God who is perfect and cannot dwell with any sin!) 

2.  Jesus's death was out of ferocious love for you and me WHILE we were sinners, and DURING the times we sin. As seen and proven from the moment He was taken captive to Each nail pounded into the soft parts of his hands and feet.  He couldn't have felt anger or hatred towards His accusers or executioners because that would mean He was not sinless, but moreso even if He could have been justified in having anger (though not hatred since that would nullify love, meaning He wouldn't have died) the fact that He went all the way to His death means He loved exceedingly more!  

As I was praying last night with some of my brothers and sisters at church, I kept thinking about all this, and all I could say in response was "THAT IS SO WEIRD!"  So, so weird.  I've never thought something was so weird while simultaneously crying because of it's weirdness so perhaps I'm using the wrong word, but that's all I could think of at the moment.  Weird because it makes no sense to me if I view God as a human only, but WEIRDEST when I acknowledge that Jesus is God who willingly went through all that out of Zero obligation and 100% Love.  So weird that I am drawn to tears and gratefulness.  To me that is so weird.  So different.  But the very fact I find so weird is the same fact I find so hopeful and true. It is weird when I try to understand it, but it is life altering when I believe it.

Oh my sweet Lord,

How I spat in Your face,

So ignorant was I 

Of Your love and grace! 

You chose to die,

Even during my wrong 

Bled on the cross

A perfect love song! 

Sinner I came, 

But as saint I will leave,

All because of Your love

I live a life that You weave! 

Jmegrey

G

The Meaning of Life (Purpose, Hope, the answer to everything)

My life is something I think about almost constantly. 

What am I doing with my life?

What should I be doing for a better life?

What is the meaning of my life?

Why does my life produce inevitable failures?

Where is my life going? 

My, my, my, my, my life.

To be told: "that's life" was not enough for me, those words did nothing to adequately quell my anxieties. 

What started out as a simple conviction, perhaps even a defense mechanism from within me- to look at Jesus, something I had to remind myself of over and over without fully comprehending the conviction itself-sort of took my bumbling feet in the following direction. 

Donald miller was interviewed on relevant q and a where he was asked to explain his reason for a recent blog post regarding his views for leaving his local church.

While I don't agree with everything he said, that's also not the point of this post.

 He was asked about "storyline", his project to help people develop their "story" in life, and said it was modeled after the Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl's logotherapy.  Frankl, a holocaust survivor, contended with Sigmund Freud's pleasure principle: 

"The instinctual seeking of pleasure and avoiding of pain in order to satisfy biological and psychological needs." (Wiki: pleasure principle-psychology)

Anyway, Miller said his project, "storyline", constructively resembled Frankl's rebuttal, logotherapy, to Freud's pleasure principle by basically saying that it was meaning, not pleasure, that drove the human's basic needs, and that pleasure-seeking was more like a last resort for where meaning could not be found.  Thus, "Storyline" was a construct built on the 3 statutes for finding meaning in life:

The three different ways:

(1) by creating a work or doing a deed (Miller's translation:  having a project to do that involves other people being affected if you don't do it --gets you out of bed)

(2) by experiencing something or encountering someone (Miller: healthy relationships)

(3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" and that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances".  (Miller: a redemptive perspective on trials in life) 

I see the biblical pattern, but it's slightly different...

1.  "Good works"-Ephesians 2:10 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

2.  "Fellowship"- 1 John 1:7

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

3.  "Humility/repentance producing life"- 

James 4:6

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

Acts 3:19

Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

This one is where things get a bit more descriptive, or for me the word is complicated.  To repent has two parts, just like faith.  

Faith is made up of belief and action (James 2:17-  So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.)

Humbleness (not proud or arrogant) is the position of a repentant person (one who sees the error of their ways and is filled with remorse and a desire to change-  that's the best definition I could sum up for now from what I've read in the bible, the dictionary, and my own experiences).  

So for those like myself who have a hard time multitasking, it helps to say that sequentially we repent of sin (our humility), God gives us grace by forgiving us through Jesus who paid for all our sins and is the only way to God (John 14:6-  Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.), meanwhile the Holy Spirit helps us change by the renewal of our minds (Ephesians 4:21-24; emphasis on verse 23- and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds), and thus we have: Life's PURPOSE. (Going back to the testing and approving of God's good and perfect will, emphasis on "God's" and "perfect".)

The "testing and approving" part are what I am kind of beginning to see as understanding, or more specifically understanding God via the only holy text we are given, the Holy Bible.  If I understand that God is God (which sounds like belief) then I can see, nein! Taste! God's good grace!  And my faith increases, and I cry: "I believe!" 

However, it seems it is not sequential, for as I cry "I believe", I cry "help my unbelief!"  

Here is where I see a narrow sliver, but which is still knotted in several areas-where it is no longer I but Christ who makes me to believe, I stop looking at myself and start looking at Jesus as though He were my contact lenses, and it's as though my mind and the physical body logically tell me I am a sinner by ongoing physical and mental evidence, but there is this very slim glint of light that when peered through is not me, myself, but accessible nonetheless to peer through--the lens for which I see through the eyes of my spirit, the life in Christ imputed (by sheer availability) on me--making me take on the righteousness of Jesus, not by any works but by the availability freely given me when I see it.

It's there one moment and then it's not.  This sliver of glorious hope.  But it is there.  And faith, given by hearing the word of Christ (having the Word of God in you constantly resounding like a bell), seems to turn these glimpses into longer visions.  But even if they remain glimpses more often than they do visions, they are enough to see and taste the goodness and mercy of God and what He has available to us who look at His righteousness rather than our own!  The hope of eternity in Christ Jesus.

So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. (Romans 9:16 ESV)

You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?  (I used to have this faulty theology)

What shall we say, then? That Gentiles who did not pursue righteousness (their own) have attained it (God's righteousness), that is, a righteousness that is (available) by faith; -Romans 9:19-21, 30 ESV-- (parentheses are by me and could be wrong so please read with prayer and your own seeking of God in scripture.)

but that Israel who pursued a law that would lead to righteousness did not succeed in reaching that law (attaining righteousness). Why? Because they did not pursue it by faith, but as if it were based on works. They have stumbled over the stumbling stone (ignoring truth), as it is written, “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense; and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.” (Romans 9:31-33 ESV)

For, being ignorant of the righteousness of God, and seeking to establish their own, they did not submit to God’s righteousness. For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes. (Romans 10:3-4 ESV)

***this was confusing until I read the YLT98 translation: 

Brethren, the pleasure indeed of my heart, and my supplication that [is] to God for Israel, is--for salvation; for I bear them testimony that they have a zeal of God, but not according to knowledge, for not knowing the righteousness of God, and their own righteousness seeking to establish, to the righteousness of God they did not submit. (Romans 10:1-3 YLT98)

So Paul is saying that the reason the Israelites had such a hard time believing in God/attaining righteousness was because they were trying to establish their own righteousness rather than acknowledging the impossibility of this, albeit given the law, which was given to show the righteousness of God, His perfection--which is impossible to attain as any man who has tried to keep the law of God can attest to, but made possible only in Christ, the "stumbling stone" and "rock of offense" to the Jews.  It means righteousness can be attained only when we believe in faith that Christ died for our sins, making a way for us through Himself as in literally we are given the option of denying ourselves (spiritually killing our identity to take on the identity of perfection through Christ. We cannot then be perfect if we are not born again into Christ, and seeing as He sees, doing as He wills, and understanding that we are no longer ourselves responsible for righteousness!  We are better than ourselves in the world!  We are perfect in Christ, the perfect lamb of God.  

Oh man.  I am getting a little dizzy.

Let me try to wrap this up.

There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift. (Ephesians 4:4-7 ESV)

Your call, your purpose, the meaning of life is grasping desperately onto the belief that Jesus is Lord because when you do you get clothed in God, you get perfection, and the gospel, like a beautiful bell, rings true again and again resounding what God said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9: But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” 

And Paul writes to us:

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.

-1 Corinthians 11:1

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**sidenote- Sigmund Freud later revised his pleasure principle with "Beyond the pleasure principle".  Where first pleasure-seeking was the ultimate basic need, Freud's continuing studies showed man's innate drive(s) to destructive behavior, penned as the "death drive".  Of course there is an extensive amount of research to understanding this Freudian conclusion, but to those that have a basic understanding of sin and holiness it is the biblical representation of our need for Jesus.  We have a "basic need" in life, according to Frankl that's "meaning" and according to Freud that's "pleasure--opposed by our natural inclination toward destruction".  However, the bible addresses all 3 of those things--meaning, pleasure, and death-- resulting in our sole salvation. Pun intended.  

The answer is and always will be: JESUS.