Thundering thoughts

       So I asked God today, while laying down on my bed feeling deflated from the night before,  and even from the morning...I asked Him "what would You like me to do?  What should I do?"  A question I find myself asking Him quite often, in my times of weakness and when I'm feeling like I have nothing in my control.  I asked him audibly, because I needed to say the words out loud to hear them so that I knew that I asked Him.  Last night was overwhelming, to say the least.  I had to shut everything down so that I wouldn't feel anything, because we were short staffed at the restaurant I serve at, and people were pulling me from 8 different directions, asking questions for which I did not have answers for, and getting impatient with me.  I was overwhelmed, so I turned myself off and turned into a white blank page.  

Thunder just cracked so loud by my window my chest thumped.  Perhaps it's Gods way of telling me He hears me, that He is in control and almighty and full of authority.  That my meagerness is lifted and filled with strength when I just let everything go and trust in Him.  Or maybe it's just really loud, scary thunder.

       I don't know for certain (I never do), but what if we don't have to do any ONE thing.  What if we could do what we wanted to so long as we did it for the glory of God.  For example, what if I could just move to Russia and ...wait, no...that's not what I want to do...what if I could do some missionary program where I learn how to help people...and then go from country to country doing that.  To me, that seems too easy...I feel like I need to learn how to give God glory in every circumstance and place that I find myself in first.  The hardest circumstance being here, in the United States; at work, where I try to make money to pay for rent and food...all while being a representation of Jesus...although I don't really speak much about the gospel to my coworkers...because what if I get fired?  Then I won't be able to pay for rent.  So i suppose it boils down to trust again.  Trusting and believing that The Lord provides in miraculous ways when we obey Him.  And in regards to up and leaving to a third world or foreign country, I feel like I'm being lazy.  It's my way out from not being able to be successful in my present circumstances...I wouldn't be losing anything if I left.  Now, if I had built up a career through my sweat and blood that was successful, then to leave would feel like more of a sacrifice.  However presently I only feel like I was running from the lesson God was trying to show me in order to grow, that being finding my joy and rest in Him alone and not in measuring my failures and accomplishments.  Right now, I'm not there yet.  I still feel the oscillating swing of what I do and don't do, to what God does despite myself altogether.  

       These are just some thoughts in the thunder of my mind, and literally outside my window. 

J

Jump

I love a small amount of goat cheese in my salads, such a small pungent kick!

       Ok, so there's that moment right before you do what you know you shouldn't, the moment where you are aware that what you are about to do is wrong, it goes against what you believe to be good, but you want to do it anyway.  That moment can last anywhere from half a second to 2 hours to days even, but most of the time it's about 10 minutes or less.  You think about it for 10 minutes, the choice before you, even though in that moment it feels nothing like a choice, but more like a must.  Moreover, these 10 minutes didn't just creep up out of nowhere, they were tugged at by previous thoughts you had entertained, a sort of premeditation on what you knew you shouldn't do...until the moment is upon you and now you are right at the cliff of trusting in God to bring about those eagle's wings.  You want so badly to jump, to let go of the strong "need" for sin and just jump off and let Him catch you and take you to the next mountain, but another part of you is so scared you nearly have a heart attack.  You think that if you jump He won't catch you, you begin to bring human logic into the picture, thinking that if you jump you would splat yourself dead over some sharp rocks, and you exclude the Almighty God altogether.  You don't recall that God went against gravity and split the ocean in half, or that He went against mathematics and passed out more than 5000 loaves of bread from a basket of 5 loaves, or that he ...you know...went against death and resurrected after being dead for 3 days. No, that doesn't come to mind when I'm at that moment of standing at the edge of the cliff of trust.  All I seem to recall is the fear in me, that if I jump nothing will save me, but the strange thing is that if i stay on this cliff I'll definitely die.  If I don't die of old age, I'll surely die of something else, but death will eventually come, and I will have never tasted the adventure of flying and exploring the other mountains.  All because I didn't jump. 

       Jumping can look like different decisions for different people.  Jumping can be as extreme as selling your house, packing up and just relocating you and your family to some foreign third world country, where you live in huts and poop in dirt holes.  But for most of us, jumping looks more like writing that check for 10% of your paycheck and giving that to the church, or saying yes (or no) to the person who asked you to marry them, or turning your car around from entering that place where you know you'll regret going later, or maybe it's not eating something, maybe it's eating something, it could be anything, because sin takes on multiple forms.  We each face sin on a daily basis, but there's that moment, the 10 minutes of inching toward the cliff's end, of letting go of fear or worry or doubt or even logic itself, to jump screaming/trembling/crying into what you don't fully understand; the deep power of Jesus's love.

J.

Perhaps there's Hope.

Ughh, so here's one of those moments again where I hear, read, see, (or touch?) something from someone and automatically hold it up like two photos being compared for clarity.  One photo is not my life, the other is, and usually always dulls when placed beside this super uber clear one with exceptional lighting, vibrancy, and someone laughing with all their beautiful white teeth showing.  Mine looks more like eyes half closed next to something blurry with a huge peach fuzz interfering from the right hand corner (because people still put their finger over the flash, and it's annoying when you're using film)  You're annoying!  sorry, I'm just annoyed in general at how badly this entry is going to make me look, which is why the masochist in me is excited to write it.

      Well, here I am, writing about the little things in life, and somehow finding the archaic underlying bones of meaning behind them.  I am not famous, one of my best friends still spells my name wrong to this day on every birthday card, but I have found the diamond in the rough.  That is, that this isn't the world of Jamie, not even if I'm Jamie....well, especially if I'm Jamie.  I can't compare my life to the life of another, as natural of a habit as that is, my gifts and talents must be sowed accordingly.  If I'm an orchard I can't be mass producing weapons of warfare in the battle for God's kingdom.  I can, however, provide seasonal fruits and nuts and even beautiful scenery for the hungry and depraved soldier.  Or perhaps I'm not even an orchard, maybe I'm more like a dilapidated bridge in the middle of nowhere, but those who cross over, with me doing little more than remaining there and intact, find that they are closer to walking toward the right direction then when they were on the other side.  Maybe, despite my awkward location, and the appearance of futility, I am in fact a significant marker for the beginning of the soul in search for God.  Although it may feel like I've been abandoned, neglected, and forgotten, perhaps my job is very important as I am there to direct and then later be torn apart and used to build a really cool log cabin-style church for those that truly love The Lord.  Perhaps.  There is more than what my eyes see, what my feelings tell me, and even what others think of me.  This is hope.  This is trust.  This is my conviction.

2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

His timing.  Not mine.

John 3:30

"He must become greater; I must become less."

       

Just a Dollar

Just a dollar

       So sometimes when I do the laundry for the family I work for, I find money in the pockets of their pants, that have been through the washer and dryer, thus easily mistaken for as  discarded (clearly the delusion of a greedy person).  I am always tempted to keep the money, but I never do (thankfully).  I find it so strange that I almost feel like it's ok to keep that money.  Even if it's just a dollar, I know that taking that would be the same as stealing.  As their hired help, they trust me, and taking money from them would be the same as stealing.  Still, I'll find 20 dollar bills, 10 dollar bills, fives and ones, and the thought will cross my mind...."should I pocket this? they won't even notice or probably care"...but then I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me I'll feel guilty and like a terrible person, and no money is worth carrying around guilt or taking on the coat of a thief.  No money.   

       Because it always starts with "just a dollar".

On Forgetting and Remembering

On Forgetting and Remembering

       I forget so easily it sometimes catches me by surprise, to be so naturally inclined of forgetting something as important as my identity in Christ, the power of Christ, and even (sadly) Christ Himself.  When my fears start creeping up around me like shadows in the darkness of my boredom, anxiety, stress, hunger, or over-exhaustion from the day, I succumb to their goal of trying to make me cower.  When in reality, shadows are nothing but "a dark figure or image cast on the surface by a body of intercepting light" (taken from the dictionary app).  In other words, we cast our own shadows when we try to intercept the Light.  I create the images of fear, and then I make them more real to me than the light that can expose them for the mere reflections that they are.  I keep realizing that humility is not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less.  To humbly get on my knees before God, getting out of the way of myself, and allowing His light to shine through.  It often begins to bear down on me when I start getting close to people, and they begin to open up to me, I naturally react to such a beautiful gift as something I did to earn, I was kind enough to earn their respect, or I was understanding enough to confide in, or I was wise enough to be consulted, and then when I start thinking like that I begin to think I am responsible for seeing their brokeness be healed, and the burden of such a task is too much for me.  And fear kicks in.  That's when I'm reminded that I did nothing for this person to open up to me, it wasn't that I was kind, or understanding, or wise in anything, but Christ flowing through me, used my weaknessess, which also happen to be my lack of all of those things, to show that He can use EVEN someone like me to be an instrument of delivering healing, joy, and a change from dark to light.  Christ in me directs my interactions, and likewise, Christ in me will carry them through to completion, and I just trust in Him.  The load is lifted and I am merely there as He works in me, through me, and there is no pressure to be anything but trusting.  

J

The Tarrymore

The Tarrymore

...is more than meets the eye.  My apartment building is situated across an eccentric private university of the arts, so naturally a handful of my neighbors will be colorful minds and cheerful eyes.  Having recently moved into the Tarrymore, we have discovered a few things.  To begin, rust in the sink is not that bad, one cockroach sighting does not mean an infestation, window cracks can add character, and living above a band will mean nights of floorboard concerts.  It's not that the glass is half full, but really, it's got great charm, the Tarrymore, that is.  Although, according to my folks who came to visit last month, it's "rundown" -_- spoiled californians and their perfect cookie cutter houses.  I find living here to be a breath of fresh air!  So much so that I will begin to write a few short stories on what happens at The Tarrymore.  This is only a brief introduction to the building, which overall is set in a place known as "the village" by all the locals.  

Let me introduce a few of my neighbors:

The gentlemen of Apt #35- our first encounters.  It started with a mouse we had found scurrying about in our living room, one of us had a broom in hand, I was the lookout standing on the sofa arm, and our other roommate was standing by the open door as we had all hoped the mouse would see that it was clearly not welcome and exit through the appropriate fashion.  As this was going on a few shirtless boys came running down the stairs and saw the scene of three girls looking pretty crazy.  They seemed to be in a rush, said hello, and the next week we found a note posted to our door inviting us to dine with them over a choice of eggplant parmesan, indian curry, or harvest antipasta.  We chose curry, and it was delicious.  They were delightful.  They gave us a warm welcome and some bonus insights to who the rest of our fellow tenants were.  

Crazy Sandy-  is an old lady who lives on the first floor.  She has two dogs and one very silent daughter.  She appears to have gone through multiple surgeries, perhaps a beauty queen a few decades ago, she had once shown up to another tenants door wearing nothing but tattered lingerie and a camera asking to have her photo taken.  She also talks toward you, but not to you directly, and does so with long drawn out stares.  She has a silver gray bob.  

Dungeons and Dragons- are the boys right next door to us.  One has a long pony tail and gold-rimmed glasses, a kind fella, but also not very sociable.  You can usually hear them watching a sci-fi movie or some sort of alien documentary, or at least that's what it sounds like through the door.

Sad man- is the musician across the hall, who has a rickety sultry voice and plays the guitar while he sings and weeps about a girl who broke his heart.  I can tell he's weeping because he loses pitch once in a while (yes I've actually stood outside his door for a few minutes to hear him out of curiosity), chokes up, and then resumes in perfect key.  I've never actually seen Sad man, but I figure he's probably in his late 20s to mid 30s and drinks a lot of beer.

We have about 5 or so more neighbors, but I have not met or heard anything of them yet.  

Let the Tarrymore stories ensue...

Joy is my middle name

Lord, help me to trust in You,

to find peace and joy in obeying You.

Please take all of my fears of relationships, money, and addictions away from me, off of me.

Please allow me into Your Presence to know You deeply.

Take delight in me. 

---

       There are these moments that I really need to know, to feel and to experience that God is with me and for me.  Moments where my confusion and fears start to make me sink into them like Peter in the storm when he stepped out of the boat.  I need Jesus to grab a hold of me and pull me back up, because I feel like I am at a moment's notice about to go under, and that is terrifying to me.  The thought of losing sight of Christ and being swallowed up by the storm is beyond scary.  In those moments, in these moments, which are often paired with trembling, I quickly cry out for God to take a hold of me in an extra obvious and almost tangible way so that I know with little to no doubt that I will be ok; that the waters will not separate me from Him.

Philippians 1:10 

       "so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ." (preceded by how our love must abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight)

All things come through Jesus.

When the confusion in my head beings to produce fear, I seek out to have more knowledge and depth of insight, through Jesus, in order to be able to discern what is best...and then do that.

       Paul wrote in verse 12 (of Philippians 1) that his situation (being imprisoned) had happened to serve the advancement of the gospel.  He saw the light where most would be blinded by thick darkness.  He had full confidence that nothing could tear him away from God and the work being done in and through him, especially in his dire circumstances.

I want that confidence.  To know that nothing can or will tear me away from Jesus.

Phil 1:19

     

      "for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

The reason for prayer is so that our prayers and the Spirit of Jesus will use whatever happens to us to deliver us from darkness and into light.  We need prayer and we need the help given by the Spirit of Jesus to take us from situations that appear dire or devastating into glory, which is our being rescued from darkness.

---

I can kind of understand Paul when he says that he is torn between the desire to depart (essentially to die) to be wholly united with Jesus with the knowledge that he also feels called to stay (alive) on behalf of the church to bear fruit necessary in aiding others toward Christ.  He knew he could and would be used to bring an overflow of joy in Christ Jesus to the body.  This proposition intimidates me, that I could and will be used in a similar way to bring joy to the body in Christ Jesus.  That I am to be used by God to bear fruit for the body, it scares me.  It scares me because it is so meaningful and powerful.  To be used by GOd, but not only that but to be the person who God delivers JOY through.  Joy is not an easy thing to come by in this life.  Every day I hear both believers and non-believers talk about their struggles in life that are fettered with feelings of despair, depression, apathy, loneliness, hopelessness and sadness. Deep and intense degrees of these things.  I also know the depth of such dark places because I have been in them myself before.  I know how scary and painful it is.  So to have my eyes opened to all of that and then be commissioned to deliver joy...JOY is so overwhelming, and also frightening.  It is walking into a deep, dark cave carrying a backpack of provisions and map of the way out.  Walking with a flashlight and seeing the dozens, then hundreds, thousands, a countless number of people hidden and huddled in the deepest parts of the cave who have been starving there.  It's a fear in me of seeing just how many people there are who I can and will be helping, then a trembling of telling them the good news without becoming overwhelmed by the enormous deliverance Christ brings to them through one meager, trembling me.  Not that I am doing much or anything at all, but that through my trembling obedience I am ruthlessly trusting in God to hold me together both mentally and spiritually and even physically as He uses me to bring hope and joy into such an intense darkness.  Power like that is life-altering, it's not something that can happen without a full surrender of self to His leading.

---

Philippians 1:22

   

       "...I do not know!"  

Paul was confused too!  In verse 20 he says "...Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.", emphasizing that it mattered not what his circumstances were, whether he was going to be killed or gearing up to speak to a big group of people in need of the gospel, Paul knew he only needed to know that whatever happened Christ needed to be exalted through his actions and reactions.

Even as I write these things down, I tremble, because there could be an ounce of self-glorification in me, a part of me that desires to have this read with the intention of being liked or seen as wise, thus robbing some of the glory to whom all glory belongs.  I hope that whatever I write and everything that is read is done so with all credit and glory going to God, who I pray uses me to deliver JOY and progress in the body of faith.  No that I, myself, am doing anything, but that the Spirit of Jesus Christ in me is working through me.  That being said, verse 28 of Philippians 1 says:

       "without being frightened in any way (ANY WAY!) by those who oppose you (which to me means those in darkness since I am seeking to walk in the light, as well as the darkness itself)."

       I mentioned earlier of my fears and how scared I can get, but this passage clearly states that we are not to be frightened in any way by the darkness that often tries to swallow us.  Because (Philippians 1:29) "...it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but AlSO to suffer for Him."  That to me sheds insightful light on my fears, especially those fears that make me suffer because I feel like Christ is about to be too far from me because of darkness, often my own sin, but also the suffering of being isolated from those in the world (most felt with friends and family).  Paul seems to be saying that when we believe in Christ we also suffer for Him both because of persecution but also because of the agony of being separated from Him when   our sin entangles us.  In the latter case it is in those moments that we must suffer as we fight to push back the darkness of our past and present fears and simply cry out to God to save us; to take a hold of our hands and keep us from going under.

I read somewhere that suffering with a purpose is a privilege.  Suffering in and of itself is terrible, but suffering for Christ is the process of redemption, and in that comes joy.

So take heart, if you're like me and find yourself in moments of isolation or the feeling of an impending separation from Jesus because of your sin, and cry out to Him who hears us (1 John 5:15- And if we know that he listens to our requests, we can be sure that we have what we ask him for.)

j

Lights

  

some of my homegroup sisters

    I have made the decision to follow Christ, to recognize that I am easily swayed and blinded by the darkness, and that fear of darkness is futile when I surrender to Christ.  There is nothing that can overcome God, no worry, no lack of money, no person, no job, no anxiety, all of my fears bow down before God, therefore to live in fear of anything but God would be futile.  I do not serve my identity, but live to identify myself in Christ, giving up the things that give glory to myself (often for only a temporary moment) in order to give all the glory to God who is eternal and forever.  All honor and glory is His, and His alone....and He loves me.

       Being able to talk transparently with a group of people who strive after Christ is such an amazing thing.  I just got back from my home group meeting, and I don't know if it's a southern thing or a Nashville thing, but the community I have found in this group has been so good.  Almost everyone speaks up, and shares something that can speak into me, both encouraging me and challenging me to become more intimate with God.  I love how people are timid when it comes to being vulnerable, but they still do it anyway, and it makes the group just so much more real and close.  I see the different ways in which God has spoken into their lives, and the way He speaks to me, and it's always so fascinating to see how He convicts us of similar things so that when we come together to discuss our lives we all have a word from God to help each other find more of Jesus to make us whole again.  One person may offer encouragement, another rebuke, and still another passion to urge us further into that sweet Love.  I see people who are just like me, whether it's the part of me that's timid, self-deprecating, confident, or so utterly broken.  The way God moves in a room full of His children discussing Himself is soul-nourishing.  Even though in the end it will just be me and God when all is said and done in this life, it is a blessing to have brothers and sisters to help carry my burdens and walk with me, because after all I am only one person with only so much insight and resources, but when I am with friends who share their insights and resources it only enriches my life.  I want to walk in the light, and sometimes when my light is but an ember, it's nice to have fellow lights around to help keep me going in the right direction.

We read Galatians 5 and 6 tonight.  We talked about how we need to have right hearts, and be good to one another, loving each other with humility, while having pride in who we are in Christ.  I mean, this can all sound like Sunday school banter that goes in one ear and out the other, we've heard it all before, to be good, to be gentle, to forgive, but what does that look like in your life?  In my life that looks like speaking up and confronting a fellow Christian and friend who is doing something you know is wrong, even if that means that friend will be angry with you or not want to talk to you anymore.  It also looks like having an attitude of gratitude (that rhymes! haha...) in order that more joy would be experienced on a daily basis..  It looks like praying for the Spirit to help me have self-control when it comes to my bad habits/addictions and strong inclinations toward comfort and things that aren't good for me.  All in all it still boils down to realizing who God is and living with proof that He is God by not letting anything come before giving Him all the glory.  Seeing that nothing else matters, that nothing else will last, and that nothing and no one can come before God, but in realizing this also having full confidence in the fact that He loves you.  It is amazing, to be loved by God who holds the universe in His hands; who longs to hold you.  He longs to hold me.

J

The Rag Collector

       I came to a very clear understanding about 15 minutes ago, as I lay in my bed trying to find peace in my mind, my mind that was racing with thoughts of fear, fears of never making something of myself, fears of never marrying, fears of staying chained to my bad habits, fears of losing my parents and what that would do to me, fears of having to make a life for myself.  To me that life looked like living in a house, having a hard working husband, having kids, having some sort of list of accomplishments, and having a strong ministry.  All of which I do not have at the moment, and it kept scaring me.  I kept wondering, and trying to talk to God as I lay somewhat uncomfortably on my twin sized bed.  I spoke into the air, hoping God was listening, and then I spoke as if He were, told Him exactly how I felt.  As I trembled there, God showed me a mirror.  He showed me the girl I had been, and what I saw clearly did not match up with what I thought was the reflection of myself.  I saw a girl who was more concerned about being admired by people she didn't even need to be admired by.  I saw a girl trying to display godliness while stealing the true glory from God in living the way she did.  I saw the meaninglessness of all the worries and anxieties that I had once saw as real and out to ruin me.  I saw a girl who clung to comfort and who put herself above everyone, including God, while at the same time professing to be a servant to God and to others.  

       I saw that if what I believed was true then I was living all wrong.  I was putting value to rags, and then when those rags came back to me it was no wonder I was disappointed in them.  I would trade one rag in for another by emphasizing the need for a husband (not that husbands are rags, but the thought that having one would complete a person is) for emphasizing the need to be independent and make a name for myself in order to be my own provider.  I was trying to find a provider for myself, someone to take care of me, to love me, to make me whole, and if it wasn't a husband then it was going to be me.  It did not even occur to me that neither a man nor myself could ever provide for me (I had said that before, but my words were futile when I saw the girl in the mirror).  I had professed a million times over that God would be my only provider, but all along I was ignoring Him and seeking provision from all sorts of rags.  I was a rag collector.  I said that I would trust in Him, but when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who held on to her fears of money and her physical appearance, both of which were deteriorating in her hands, like the rags they were, and while I said I trusted Him, I was clearly untrusting of HIm to take care of both of those needs.  I saw how stubborn I was, and it shook me, and I was shaking almost uncontrollably at the stark contrast between who I thought I was and who I really was when God showed me the mirror.  

       I would rather see myself for who I really am, which is to know that this life is so desolate and difficult and dark without God.  That only God can push back the darkness and protect me from the fears that rise up around me like dark shadows.  But that is exactly what they are, mere shadows that begin to pale when the Light shines on them.  There is nothing that can win against God.  

       Most importantly was that there is no fear in me that can not be obliterated by total surrender of myself to God.  That every breath I take, every thought I capture and entertain, every goal and dream I aspire after must be for the glory of God, He must be lifted higher and I must only bow to Him and no other thing, because everything else is a rag.

1 Peter 5

 Submit to God, Resist the Devil

verse5:  Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders.  Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

verse6:  Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,

verse7:  casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

verse8:  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion (or a growing shadow), seeking whom he may devour.

verse9:  Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.  

verse10:  But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

verse11:  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.

Seeping, seeping, sleepy

       My thoughts have been getting pretty contemplative as of late, and usually when I begin to get intensely pensive it turns into apathy or despair for the ultimate bleakness of my troubles (meaning that I just realize how trivial my woes are and how pathetic I am for making such a big deal out of them, which brings an onslaught of self-loathing, very unhealthy, I'm aware...and working on it).  However, this time it's not like that, and I'm not really sure what my thoughts are, but they're meditative.  They are neither apathetic nor self-loathing, which is so strange beyond strange (if you only knew what usually went on in my flamboogled mind), and I feel strengthened by their long lingering.  (interjection:  I'm not too knowledgeable regarding the synapses of the brain that trigger or inhibit certain patterns of thought resulting in hormonal responses, so i'm aware, and honestly slightly overwhelmed and frightened by this unknown aspect, that what I may be experiencing could just be, you know, chemical stuff that I have little control over.  For the most part, I can only be very self-persuaded by the evidence in and of  myself, that what is happening is a result of growth and a deeper thankfulness for grace in my life.)

       That got awfully dilapidated in coherence, but the point is I'm becoming confident!  I don't mean confident in the sense of my appearance, (which is a whole other topic to be splayed, but not here, not now) but in the sense of my identity.  We are born with dreams big and small that are fostered or fettered by fears as we experience failures and and the obstacles to grasping our dreams.  There comes a point, which appears to arriving earlier and earlier as the generations pass, in which you decide whether or not to pursue your dream or to throw in the towel and just do whatever.  Or if you're like me, you abandon your dreams for a few years only to sort of poke your head back around them like an awkward person arriving solo to a big party, not knowing where to start or who to talk to first, you just head straight to the food and sort of linger.  No I've never done that...I just assume that's what that would look like.  Shoot, where was I going with this? Oh, right, identity.  Well, while most people throw in the towel of doing something they love because it just seems unattainable (usually turning to drugs, sex, alcohol, or something to distract them and keep them hooked), a small handful of ambitious little beggars find gold at the end of being refined by the fires of doubt, struggle, pain, and countless slaps in the face.  They channel their energy.  When something bad happens they clip it with mental shears, and the trimming looks bare, but in due time all that clipping pays off because the real stuff has room to bloom.  

This always happens when I write, I unconsciously turn into a motivational speaker for myself.  Anyway, I'm getting tired.   I'll have to continue this tomorrow. 

J.

Him and me.

He keeps holding me, even though i'm easily frightened by the unfamiliar and familiar people and places.  His expectations of me never lower, because He holds me to the standard for which I was made, which He knows best because it was His hands that made me, His breath that breathed life into me.  His grace and love never leave me, though I cower and stumble blindly in the darkness He lovingly washes my wounds and lifts me back on my feet.  All day I want to be in awe of Him, because He is so amazing to love me the way He does, the greatest love, the sweetest love, my heart can almost not take it.