Transparency reveals our poop.

I read an article by an intern at a magazine that I dreamt of writing for who wrote something very similar to what my cousin who is a young lawyer also told me.  He wrote something along the lines of this: that upon being hired he had always imagined that at that point he would know what he was doing, would be ready and prepared to do his job decently well.  He wrote that it surprised him how much he still didn't know, but more surprising was the amount of responsibility and trust he was given to do something even though he himself felt very incapable of being entrusted with what was given to him.  My cousin used to say, at the beginning of her career as a lawyer, that most of the time she felt ill equipped to really do much, but that she sort of just went with it and maybe did things she had no clue about.  The intern said he didn't feel qualified, and my cousin said she wasn't sure what she was doing most of the time.  Both of them had reached a place, whether by an outside perceived qualification, networking, money, education, or mere chance to perform a task for which they felt unqualified for.  Yet they were there and they did what they were told to do, they performed, they tried, and both of them probably got better as time passed.  The interesting thing is that they had no clue, most of the time, what they needed to do in their given positions.  They winged it.  That's what we do to help us survive, and in the workplace that is a great way to grow.  Messing up helps us see and improve our weaknesses.  

However, this sort of transparency is not always sought, we would rather keep that information within ourselves, hide it, keep it under all the smiles and laughter and fun Instagram posts.  We can hide it extremely well from others, but we cannot so easily hide it from ourselves.  We try to though, because we want to believe that we are not all those inadequate and ugly things-- things like greedy, vain, selfish, lustful, jealous, angry, out of control, lonely, scared crapless, or whatever else.  So we try to distract our self awareness with all kinds of things.  We pick our poison: drinking, dating, sex, food, exercise, working, gambling, movies, and so on.  We get good at finding ways to not have to see what's really inside of us, but if you're human then you know that whatever the distraction, it can never fully help us ignore what's gnawing inside of us.  We want to fake it and hope that, like the intern and my cousin, that things will eventually just get better.  That we will catch on soon enough, and that it'll get easier, we just have to keep at it.  But the thing about that intern and my cousin is that they were transparent about their thoughts, they knew that they really had no idea what they were doing, and I think that's why they do what they do so well.  They are aware, and in order to be better you have to be aware of the truth, no matter how embarrassing or shameful your transparent self may be. 

For me, the most effective way to get me to start comprehending who God is starts with my transparency.  I heard a few pastors and leaders who began their messages by being transparent, and it really encouraged me to do the same.  It was a reminder to myself that I can see goodness, Gods goodness, only when I see what is bad in me to place it side by side.  If I cannot see myself then I cannot fully see how good God is.  In the same way we can't really see a flashlight when it's turned on in full daylight, but when you take it into the darkest room there it is the brightest it can be.  The same goes for grace.  I still forget grace all the time.  There more days when I numb myself to the debt Jesus paid for me.  It's easier for me to ignore recognizing grace because I naturally forget; so it feels easier to sin.  And because sin feels good I just let myself forget everything until I do what I want to do.  I just want to sin all the time, I want to forget grace and I want to let my desires and my feelings just dictate all of my decisions because that takes no work at all in the present moment.  It's only afterwards, the consequences and repercussions that have me crying out to God to save me.  It feels wretched!  But when I cry out it feels like I'm being sincere, when I just look at my tears it feels genuine and emotionally powerful, God must hear me now in this state if wretchedness and brokenness.  So does that mean God does not see what was really inside of me, just because I refused to see it myself?  If I do not see my heart, does that mean I can hide it from Almighty God as well?  Will He hopefully just see these tears, my trembling, my desperation and empathize with me?  Or if God truly sees all things, does he also see my fear of punishment and consequences?  Does he see my inward foreknowledge that I probably intend to sin again knowing that I can probably ask Him for forgiveness again afterwards?  Does He see that it's all about me?  Does He see that the moment I chose to cry out was because it came convenient for me?  Does He see    that I am almost testing Him or bartering with him because in my heart I want Him to prove that He is real by giving me what I want?  Does God see all of that... and the obvious answer is yes.  

You know, when someone asks me something, to this day I still fight the urge to just pretend like I know the answer just so that my reputation or my credibility in their eyes does not go down.  Sometimes it works, and I can walk away in a sweat just thankful that they didn't ask for verification or further details regarding the matter that I had no clue about.  Sometimes I do that at work too, so long as it is not a life threatening lie, just a little one, I lie to save face.  I also lie when it's convenient for me.  When I have a friend who wants to see me for lunch but I don't want to spend money or go out then I'll make something up on the spot: "oh shoot, I would love to but I have plans" (which I suppose is not really a lie if my plans are to have no plans), but the point is I'll say whatever I need to say so that I can get what I want or avoid what I don't want.  This example in itself illustrates two very stark points.  One is that if I want something I will do whatever it takes, even lie, to get it.  The other point is that I will choose sin, which in this case is lying or my selfish ambition, and can do so totally unaware that it is really sin.  I can make myself look good even while sinning, at least for a time.  In other words, if I don't want to see myself for what I'm doing (especially sinning) it's easy to justify my sins with more lies.  The less I see myself, then the less I see who God is, and that makes it easier to continue sinning.  This is just another helpful reason for how to see God more, to begin by seeing yourself clearly.

I don't know what everyone struggles with, their sins, bad habits, dark secrets, or what not, but what I do know is that we all fall short in varying areas, but in similar degrees.  We are drowning in doubt or worry, sadness or apathy, loneliness or fear, in dark rooms within our hearts that we don't want anyone to see, and that we ourselves try to keep shut and out of.  

I was told by my doctor that every human carries within themselves about 2-3 lbs of poop in their body at all times.  It's just sitting there until you eat more or do something to cause pressure in there to push it out.  This sounds a lot like sin.  We have sin within us all the time, and the more we ignore it and keep adding to it the more the pressure rises and it will start to show it's ugly head.  We can't just ignore it, because it will manifest whether through depression, addictions, and eventually death.  It will not sit quietly behind closed doors because it is not satisfied until it completely destroys a person.  The 1 Peter 5:8 says the devils roams around like a lion seeking to devour.  Have you ever been devoured by a lion?  If you're still alive then no you haven't.  Have you seen or heard about a lion devouring another animal?  If so, did that animal walk away from the incident bruised and scarred?  No, if it was devoured then it was eaten up, killed, dead, a bloody mess with no more life in it.  That means that the devil who uses sin will use it to devour us.  To kill us, rip us apart, and leave a bloody, lifeless mess.  That is sin's desire.  Do you know that?  Do I know that? Do I believe that?  Because that's what the bible says, and if I claim to love God and believe in Him then I have to know these truths to be true as well.  If sin is the poop within us then grace is like the toilet that flushes it away, and it's gone.  

(I just love an effective metaphor.)

Have I lost you here yet? Haha.  The bottom line is that in order for us to see God more clearly we have to see ourselves clearly.  If everyone stripped naked and their bodies somehow became transparent we would all see that everyone has poop inside of them, literally.  There is no exception, and the same goes with sin.  We all have it, just because others can't see it or we try not to look at it, it's there.  So take great heart in the fact that IF it is there (and it is) then God definitely sees it, and He loves you no matter how great your sin, but that isn't the most amazing part.  The most amazing part is really seeing Gods grace in all of your nasty poop sin.  That God loves you so much that gave up his son to become like one of us (poop carrying sinners) but yet who never sinned himself but made himself go through everything in order to help us have a way to overcome sin through Himself.  He ultimately went through life as a human, basically just loving people and teaching them  to have great love, Gods love.  Then he died because God saw our sin from the start, and knew we would sin again, but his love was so all consuming that he have up the only one precious and powerful one enough to atone for all our sins if we believed in Him, He gave us Jesus.

Jesus is amazing. 

Jesus helps us see God's  true life altering grace.  

Jesus changes the game.  

Jesus is God who died for you and me, so that this sin we hate looking at would no longer have relevance but only exist to remind us how much God loves us!  

We have sin in us, but we don't have to give it anything!  

We just need to remind ourselves that we are forgiven, and with that unbelievable good news, we can rest in Him.  

Have grace so that we can have peace.

I don't know about you but I have a hard time resting in God.  

I would love some peace in my ever turbulent mind.

This truth is the only substantial peace I have ever ever ever found to really bring genuine peace in my heart and in my mind.  Peace to laugh and smile.  

Look at Jesus, rest in remembering what He did, and then you can go and be the best you can be because you are a child of God, God of love and all power to keep you. 

It's the gospel over and over.  The same message about the same God who never changes.  

Hallelujah.

To Him I am always His precious girl, and He would die for me, He did die for me.

He would die for you.

He did die for you.

Grace to cut distractions

All of a sudden I get this pressure in my chest that feels so tight, it's only overwhelming.  I have to find somewhere to pace before it disappears, because it's God's grace speaking to me.  I have to hear that I'm forgiven, that I'm loved, that I'm not a hopeless rebel.  These moments are gifts that are given unexpectedly, and I am rarely ever prepared for them.  Pacing helps me understand and to digest this beautiful grace, wear it, massage it into my brain, swim through it.  I need the grace to dwell in grace. 

I'm told that I am very task-oriented, an INTJ according to the Briggs Meyers personality test.  Sometimes I'll have strong impulses to do something that is, well, recklessly impulsive.  Today I was driving to meet my cousin for lunch, and while driving down the road I realized that I should put my laptop in my trunk in case anyone felt tempted to break in and steal it from my car.  The moment I decided that I needed to do that I wanted to wait for the first red signal light so that I could quickly shift into park, dash out of my car, pop open the trunk and get it done.  It was such a strong impulse, and I contemplated doing it until I reminded myself that it would be ok to wait, to park my car and safely take good time to put my laptop in the trunk rather than get out in the middle of the road (granted there were not a lot of cars on the road).  I notice I get caught up with the tasks at hand that it kind of overtakes everything else.  This can be a good and terrible inclination, but mostly terrible.  Tasks are important, but they are usually there to serve another greater purpose.  Tasks are things needed to get done in order to build toward something bigger than the tasks themselves.  I suppose some folks find that to be an automatic understanding, but for those like myself it's a conscious effort to redirect my focus on the entire mural not just the segment right in front of me.  However, the segment in front of me needs to get done, but it needs to get done with the real goal in mind.  That way whatever circumstances may arise as I build what's in front of me I can adapt to changes that will still work toward the ultimate purpose and not focus so much on just getting the task done. 

This has been an important reminder to myself in my seeking.  As I seek God through reading my bible, spending time with others, writing, praising, and praying I am easily distracted when one of those "tasks" is not completed as expected.  Or I get distracted by the other tasks in life that also try to pull me from the task set before me.  There are so many things I can do, should do, want to do, need to do, but there is only one thing I must do and that is to seek God with all my heart.  

Distractions will always be there.  Then I am suddenly met with God's grace, out of nowhere it just hits me.  It's an impact that shakes all distractions loose, and I am at eye level with the only thing that matters: God.  All the joys in the world, all the blessings, all the good friends, the moments of celebration, all exist through, for and to God.  Without my hope in Him everything will just slip into non existence.    I find it difficult to delight in something that doesn't serve a lasting purpose.  When I delight in the laughter with friends knowing that God has decided to bless me with it I can take ultimate satisfaction in knowing He is delighting in me when I delight in Him, more than just the laughter it is the closeness to Him that carries my enjoyment past the brief minutes and into eternity.  Does that sound really sci fi?!  It does, but it's not fiction! It's more real than a fleeting feeling.  However, even in this I get distracted, and focus on having moments of laughter.  I get so caught up in my idea of how things should be that I often miss the real joy to be tasted.  I can be too much of a controller of my circumstances, which of course is ridiculous.  No one can control their circumstances all the time, but despite knowing that I naturally still try.  So it is in those cracks where grace, like sunrise, overtakes all the rebellion in me and I am given another opportunity to get back on track.  I know when I'm off track because I feel like I am being pulled in a thousand different directions.  Then grace, as always, is the blade that cuts me free.

J

Pieces of the heart are painful gifts that mean the most

I am currently on the book of EZRA.  Which is a man's name.
Ezra.  Funny how so many of us Christians claim to love God and put Him first yet we have so  little information (or even the desire) to really investigate who these people in the bible were.  We want the easy God, the one who just gives us the security of heaven or gifts or healing or loving companionship, yet God repeatedly asks us to seek Him with all of our hearts.  Following God must be about God, and not one's self.  Seeking is a serious endeavor.  To seek out a person's character you would want to exhaust every possible way of knowing them: spending time with them, reading about them, asking others about them, observing them, etc.  So who is Ezra?  Do you know?

From my brief research I found that Ezra was a scribe during Israel's captivity in Babylon.
However, the most outstanding description of Ezra is found in Ezra 7:10 (which is always interesting to read someone write about themselves, but nonetheless).

"For Ezra had prepared his heart to seek the Law of the Lord, and to do it, and to teach statutes and ordinances in Israel." -Ezra 7:10

Ezra was a someone who prepared.  He prepared his heart.  He prepared his heart to seek.

I didn't even know seeking required prior preparation in the heart.  I just thought it was a decision, but according to Ezra, it was a process that had a beginning, a middle, and an end goal.  I suppose I find myself most in the beginning stage of seeking God, always with the idea, cradling it, polishing it, saying it, but then leaving it behind when I walk out the front door.  The middle is the most difficult part of seeking God.  It is the consistency that makes the bulk of seeking.

Lately I've been trying to get to morning prayer at my church at 5 or 6am.  The first week I did ok, I got up and I went, disheveled and messy-haired with my blanket wrapped around me.  The following week I missed one morning because I slept in, and that made it just a cinch easier to skip the following morning as well.  I had heard my alarm go off, but the heaviness of sleep was holding me hostage to my bed, and my body was trapping my spirit inside like a prison.  I was very aware that I should get up because this was something I could fight and win, but I chose not to.  It wasn't that I felt condemned afterwards, or even guilty, but I felt defeated as if I had given up on a fight without having fully attempted to resist it.  Perhaps it is because I know I can resist it, and that knowledge will lead to more responsibility, which would lead to a fear of being incapable of more things to work on maintaining.  However, this is what I would consider the "middle" portion of seeking God.  It's consistency, determination, and all out war cries against everything that will try to hold you back from seeking.  For me, the praying is not so much the reason I wake up at 5am to drive to my church, but it is the intentional commitment I am making to seek God.  I could very well pray at home, or even pray at a later time in the day at church, I can always come before God in prayer, but to make up my mind that I want to seek Him by committing to Him my early mornings (something very precious to me- aka: sleep) is what I know to be a genuine and earnest sacrifice as my offering to God.  He doesn't need anything from me, but I need Him.  And just as Able recognized that God was only interested in the heart rather than mere shows of affection (as his brother Cain did), so I must offer what is most dear to my heart to God.  These kinds of "real gifts" are difficult to give, because they peel away from myself, my "me", and it feels like a loss.  When I give things of mine away to people I usually give what I do not want anymore or something that I don't need, however to give something that I know I want and need, that is a genuine heart sacrifice.  God only wants those very things that we want so badly to keep because the more of ourselves we give to Him the more of Him we get in return.

It may seem insignificant, but waking up early consistently is one of the most genuine ways I can say "I am seeking You" to God, especially when it kills my eyelids and breathing becomes a traitor.

GET UP.

My morning cup of biblical joe.

So in 2 chronicles, King Josiah is smoothly obeying God, but then he hears about the King of Egypt going to war at Carchemish and decides to join in the fighting.  He gets a message from Neco the king of Egypt: 

But he sent envoys to him, saying, “What have we to do with each other, king of Judah? I am not coming against you this day, but against the house with which I am at war. And God has commanded me to hurry. Cease opposing God, who is with me, lest he destroy you.” (2 Chronicles 35:21 ESV)

So either Josiah didn't believe king Neco about God being with him (which begs the question, did he even try to find out?) or Josiah just directly disobeyed because he wanted to keep winning and making himself a great name after all that God had already blessed him with.  Both are pointing directly at pride along with a lack of seeking God.  It never mentions King Josiah seeking God's counsel or even praying.  He just makes up his mind to go, even disguising himself (maybe he thought if he did that he could hide his pride) to fight the king of Egypt and then he gets shot and dies.  So what was all that about?

In contrast, his grandfather, King Manasseh (3 chapters earlier) had done evil during his reign.  He had worshipped idols, built asherah poles to the gods of sex, he defiled Gods temple, he worshipped stars, he killed his kids as sacrifices, and pretty much every cruel and wicked act that could be done, he did.  He did all that for 55 years.  He started when he was 12, so that may have had something to do with it, but nonetheless, there were countless advisors and prophets that he probably chose to ignore before making himself into the monster he became.  He was captured by the King of Babylon who placed bronze shackles on him and a hook in his nose and shipped him to Babylon where he desperately (and finally) realized that things were pretty terrible without God.  Sin can be fun, but once crap hits the fan that's usually when you look for God.  Not always, but more often than not a bad situation will help bring your heart on your knees.  King Manasseh, in his distress, sought the favor of God and it says he "humbled himself GREATLY before the God of his fathers" (2 chron. 33:12).  Which means all this time he did in fact know about God.  

But this is the most ...cockeyed part, haha.  It says:

He prayed to him, and God was moved by his entreaty and heard his plea and brought him again to Jerusalem into his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the Lord was God. (2 Chronicles 33:13 ESV)

This guy!  As in King Manasseh, if that wasn't obvious (I would be a real chump if I was referring to the Almighty God of the universe as "this guy") goes about roughly the first 60 of his life living defiantly then at the last moment cried out to God with what the bible described as "great humbleness", and God LISTENS.  Amazing.  God was MOVED by this man's entreaty all because he greatly humbled himself.  Now that makes you really consider the true act of humbling as well as the way humility communicates to God.  It's also a great way to test your own heart.  If God listens then you definitely had this so called "great humbleness", if God did not listen then you probably only think you're being humble or maybe you even have a little humility, but greater humility will MOVE God when you speak to Him.  Of course there are other things to consider when praying and communicating to God, but the lesson here is that great Humbleness can move God's heart.  

In the end King Manasseh changed everything around after God heard his plea and restored him to Jerusalem.  He no longer lived in his old ways, but lived as one who knew that The Lord was God.  Then it says he rested with his fathers and was buried in his palace.

So between the two kings who was "better"? 

One who lived a life of obedience with the last act of disobedience or one who lived a life of rebellion and wickedness yet humbled himself in his last days? 

The point is that neither are ideal lives.  The best way to live better is to begin humble, continue in humility, and remain humble til the end.  This will be living in constant communication and ever increasing affection for The Lord, the Almighty God of the universe.  To know that in the darkest moments God is perhaps gracing you be reminded of your need to be humbled for your sake, and that in your highest moments God is gracing you with good things to enjoy with thankfulness, not pride.  After all He is God of the universe who alone can and will be praised.  Whatever else you begin to praise will only collapse by nature.

J

Seek The Lord with humility

 ...he sought his God and worked wholeheartedly. And so he prospered. 

(2 Chronicles 31:21 NIV)

who sets their heart on seeking God—the Lord, the God of their ancestors—even if they are not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary.” And the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people. 

(2 Chronicles 30:19, 20 NIV)

A repeating phrase that I have been seeing is that seeking God with all your heart will pretty much solve all your problems.  However, there is always a warning closely following that many will become proud of their accomplishments or recognition which will bring them wrath or bondage and eventually death.  In other words, although the answer is simple (seek God with all your heart) the risk of having a prideful heart is extremely high.  When there is a high risk of anything potentially dangerous, it's wise to make preparations that will help you avoid the risk.  In this case that is understanding humility.  Each time a king was lifted in pride the only adequate defense that helped him was the act of humbling himself.  

"But Hezekiah did not repay according to the favor shown him, for his heart was lifted up; therefore wrath was looming over him and over Judah and Jerusalem. Then Hezekiah humbled himself for the pride of his heart, he and the inhabitants of Jerusalem, so that the wrath of the LORD did not come upon them in the days of Hezekiah."

 (II Chronicles 32:25, 26 NKJV)

This is just one example of many throughout the Old Testament where a king became proud of his accomplishments and started forgetting that all of it was a gift from God.  

The best way to be prepared to fight pride is to know and practice humility.  Humility as defined by the dictionary:

1.  to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase. 

2.  to destroy the independence, power, or will of. 

3. to make meek: to humble one's heart.

Perhaps you had a different view of what it meant to humble your heart?  I certainly did.  To destroy my independence?  To destroy my will of something?  That's incredibly ...humiliating, debasing, and the only weapon that will help you, ironically, prosper and fight against your pride.  

Sometimes the thoughts I hear in my head sound a lot like the King of Assyria who threatened king Hezekiah:

“Thus says Sennacherib king of Assyria: ‘In what do you trust, that you remain under siege in Jerusalem (my Jerusalem being in the Word and in consistent feelingless prayer)? Does not Hezekiah (my faith) persuade you to give yourselves over to die by famine and by thirst (by being deprived of success in a career and/or reputation), saying, “The LORD our God will deliver us from the hand of the king of Assyria”? Has not the same Hezekiah taken away His high places and His altars, and commanded Judah and Jerusalem, saying, “You shall worship before one altar and burn incense on it”? Do you not know what I and my fathers have done to all the peoples of other lands? Were the gods of the nations of those lands in any way able to deliver their lands out of my hand (look at all those other miserable people who missed out on life)? Who was there among all the gods of those nations that my fathers utterly destroyed that could deliver his people from my hand, that your God should be able to deliver you from my hand? Now therefore, do not let Hezekiah (my hope and faith in God) deceive you or persuade you like this, and do not believe him; for no god of any nation or kingdom was able to deliver his people from my hand or the hand of my fathers. How much less will your God deliver you from my hand?’ ” (II Chronicles 32:10-15 NKJV)

And then...

"Then the LORD sent an angel who cut down every mighty man of valor, leader, and captain in the camp of the king of Assyria. So he returned shamefaced to his own land. And when he had gone into the temple of his god, some of his own offspring struck him down with the sword there."

(II Chronicles 32:21 NKJV)

So there was that.

Pride is loud and really obnoxious and persuading at lying, but only one God can actually turn your dire circumstances around regardless of how small your odds are.  Again, this comes down to believing that God is indeed God, and if so nothing loud or even persuasive can withstand Him.  I have tons of issues and problems in my life that I hear loudly all the time, telling me they'll crush me, telling me that God cannot save me, but I have to humble my heart, let go of my will and my independence to do anything and recognize that God is the only one who can save me.  I might look pathetic in the eyes of my oppressors or even my own eyes, but I think it's times like these that pride is most puffed up, and sharp humility is my only hope.  

It's entirely about seeking God with all my heart, and daily practicing humility as reinforcers for when things get difficult.  Be prepared to humble yourself if you expect to see the hand of God work in your life.

J

Asking God irreverent questions, reverently.

A few questions:

How does God want me to live exactly? 

What does being happy really mean?

If You are God and a You are good, why doesn't it always feel that way? 

Why does it feel like I'm pouting? 

Why don't You generate passion in me?

If You have the power to change hearts why aren't You changing mine?

Why do I feel petty for my questions? 

Where is God when I ask for Him?

Why does it sometimes feel like God has given up on me?

How come I am still so hopeful?

Are these even the right questions?

Why does it feel like no amount of evidence will ever be enough? 

(Most of these questions I know the "Christian" answer, or even the plain answer, but I still ask it because it tells me a lot about myself.)

Questions, questions, it's all relevant to ask the most bizarre and irreverent questions because at the end of every question mark is a God who knows everything before you say it.  He sees everything, knows everything, and therefore wants you to approach Him with that in mind.  A pure honesty about your brokenness, your confusion, your disappointments, desires, and definitely your questions.  

Questions help us realize all of the former feelings.  Questions also appeal to God rather than just blame Him.  Questions call for communication, unless you're asking rhetorical questions, which will get you nowhere.  You have to earnestly seek an answer.  If you don't want to hear God you won't.  Then again if you ask a question or several questions be prepared for His answer and not what You want to hear.  

It's funny how simple Gods answers can be sometimes....funny in a not really that funny kind of way.  For example, I asked God why I don't have a career in writing yet, and He said it's because I haven't written anything yet.  Which is annoyingly true.  I also asked God why I keep going back to sin, and he said because it's a spiritual warfare and sin will always be advocating fresh and creative ways to seduce me.  In other words both the answers he gave me require an active attitude and action on my part to get what I want.  If I want a writing career I have to write and meet other writers and research.  If I want to resist sin I have to keep my spiritual guard up daily through prayer, community and bible reading.  Of course all this I knew already, so my questions really served to reveal my laziness and complaint against a genie, not a God.  

However, if I never asked these and other questions I might begin to think that I was justified in my feelings of discontent toward God.  I might think I had been robbed or ignored.  When in fact God was stirring the discontent in me in order to bring me to a place of communication with Him.  He desires to talk to His children all the time, and we need Him to talk to us in order to be content.  I need His wisdom, His love, and His forgiveness that comes by grace.  Yet so often I let the torrent of my negative feelings just swallow me up.  I don't even attempt to reach out to God, and that gives God no way of helping me.  I sort of just expect things to happen, like I expect to be an author without ever having written a book.  It's very dumb.

So I wondered, why do I do that?

(Another question- to God and myself)

Perhaps I do that out of fear.  I give up before I can be defeated.  That way at least I can save some of my dignity.  Ha!  What an elusive lie that is.  So then it's about pride.  It's about the "what about me?!" mentality.  I want things in life to reveal a successful, beautiful, and perfect me, and apparently even though I know that is impossible I still try to have it.  Again, very dumb.  I am not dumb, but the lies that hold me like strings of a web are dumb.  The enemy waits to devour and suck the life out of me, I can see that.  Anyone who sees sin in their life can see that.  Porn addiction, greed, lust, gambling, drugs, sex, apathy, etc are all strings making up the web of lies.  So my next question: why do I try so hard to protect my ego or image?  The answer to that is so simple it's terrifying.  

Well ok, there are two possible answers.

1.  The first is that I want glory for myself.  I want admiration, recognition, and for people to see me and love or respect me, or both.  In essence, rather than having my life point to Gods glory I want it to point to my glory.  Satan wanted this right before he fell from heaven and became satan.  I mean, glory may sound really awesome but becoming like satan sounds like the worst possible outcome ever, and makes self-glory look like vomit.

2.  The second possibility for why I try so hard to protect my ego, via sin, is that my ego has become my master.  I could be the slave to my ego, and thus it controls me and I give it what it wants because of my bondage.  If my ego says to give myself the best then I give myself best regardless of who it hurts along the way.  Most of the time this looks like a service to myself, which is why I don't usually look at it as my master but as my friend.  This master pretends to be my friend who will preserve me, give me rations, and protect me from the unknown.  Life is not great but it is familiar.  Something about knowing your outcome gives you a false sense that you are therefore in control, when in actuality you are just a slave who knows their meager routine.  It is not control but it is being controlled, and if my ego controls me then at the end of life it will be my ego that I look to for what happens next.  Clearly my ego cannot be the god of the universe, but it can certainly pose as the god of me, and if I am my own god then I'm pretty I know enough that I have no power after I die.  So I would be serving my ego, who in the end will die with my body...

I ask these questions with the truest desire to know the truth.  Although some questions can easily be answered through scripture I still ask them out loud to know that I sought God in the asking as well as the reading of scripture.  You can ask those seemingly irreverent questions, even if with an inevitable (though misguided) twinge of anger to God in a reverent way by checking your heart's desire.  Are you asking because you desperately want to know?  Or, with dead ears, are you just throwing angry words at God to satisfy your ego? 

It's these realizations and thought processes that I need to do all the time in order to see the lie beneath the desire.  What I want most of all is to matter.  Not just in this life, but if there is eternity, which I believe there must be, then I find it only reasonable that eternity must be more important to live for than 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100 years (of course there is no guarantee for how long we will live, again showing how powerless we really are--but also how each day is a gift and not a right from God).  It's in my attitude. Lies war against the truth as darkness tries to pervade the light.  

What may feel frustrating to me may actually serve to bring about my genuine joy, and that is why I still have hope in God.

J

PS: thank you to those who read this and feel encouraged, stirred or hopeful.  I want to share the contents of my heart with you, and everyone who sees that makes all this so much more functional.  

You can check out my photo posts on Instagram as well: jmegrey.

Be Quiet and Listen

Ever felt really exhausted after talking with someone, well, more like they did all the talking and you maybe got in a few discarded thoughts here and there (or so they felt discarded)?  I mean, I realized that talking with talkative people is exhausting, yet when I get the chance to spill everything onto someone else I almost feel that my words should have changed their lives or at least brought in some sharper understanding of what I know to be true to me.  I always expect a good response, maybe even a shade of admiration, but most of the time I don't get that.  I don't always get the impression that they just want me to shut up already, but I do sense that my words fall ineffectively onto the ground a lot of the times and it's as if they thank me for everything and I sort of begin scooping up my words off the floor like a man who drops his suitcase papers and gathers them up for the next meeting.  Well, now I am starting to think that perhaps I am just as exhausting to listen to as I am exhausted by listening to others.  So the question is why?  I mean, I feel as though I have some valuable revelations to share that could benefit others as they have benefitted me, but then I wonder if my goal with talking is to benefit them or to share what I know.  What I mean is this, upon closer inspection of my actions do I say what I say because I love them or do I say what I say because I want love from them?

Sometimes we need room to be an adult, not a child.  Making the decision to listen came through learning what is important for having a meaningful life: my relationships with others.  I tend to generalize things and make them black and white, but a lot of the times life is about having an effect not just getting something done.  If the choices I make are "right" in the sense that they follow some kind of structure rather than the goal for the structure, then what I do no longer has a goal, it just has a time frame, and things that only take up time are meaningless.  My decisions must be made out of the highest possible understanding in attaining my goal, and not because it is just right or even just more right than an alternative.  Of course this is assuming you have already reached an understanding for having a goal in mind at all.  My goal being: having a genuine relationship with an invisible God.  As I hear and process God's word I see things that become more important like relationships and self-awareness.  There are endless areas of my life that could be better, not meaning that there are endless areas of my life that are wrong or terrible, but only that they could be better.  I could overwhelm myself to the point of giving up and curling up behind the pillows of apathy for a nice long nap, but eventually I will wake up again and things will be just as I left them.  (Yet I always have this strange idea that they will have magically shifted by my good fortune, and that my friend is a deceptive lie to keep you from ever really doing anything.)  Life is not easy, but it can be very good.

Be quiet and listen.  I''m not telling you to be quiet and listen to me, haha, although ....nevermind.
I'm telling myself that I need to be quiet and listen to others when they speak to me.  More than that, I want to work my ears up to a point where I intentionally go to others just to listen, not just listen when spoken to.  I want to be able to convey love.  When God's word says to love others, then my goal in having a more genuine relationship with God requires that I take steps to genuinely applying His words to my life.  To convey love to others must be genuine in the same way that my pursuit of God is genuine.  Sometimes I can get preoccupied with the task and forget about the goal, loving others become a task where I look to what appears like loving others and do that rather than having that heart to put tons of effort into being intentional and conscious of the way my words and actions have an effect on others in hopes of them feeling loved by me.  I can spend hours with a person sharing all the revelations I have gotten with the initial intention of wanting to help them, but if loving them is required first to have any effect on their ingestion of my words than before anything else I must seek to make them feel loved.  From my past years of experience, and from examining what is effective on me, I think for a time I will just be quiet and listen.  This will probably even benefit my understanding of others more as well.

I'm working on loving others now, one crinkle at a time.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13 1-3

According to this, I can't do anything if I don't get this love thing down first.

First thing's first:

Love is patient, love is kind.

Being quiet and listening (for me) is an act of extreme patience.  As for kindness it will be holding my opinions in and just buying them coffee, and then making an effort to pray that God helps me to genuinely love them even if the feelings are not automatically there (which is the case more often than not).

Oh, reminding myself to do this everyday via sticky note is also pretty crucial.  I'm so forgetful.

-J

Idols

Sometimes I feel like I'm the person in the back of the room that the speaker has nothing to say to because I'm so far away.  I start to think, "what's the point of me even being here, I can't hear anything."  Rather than finding my way to the front, I begin to think of exit routes as well as where I should go.  I look outside and the sun looks welcoming, people are laughing, and I'm stuck in a room.  I begin to blame my circumstances and compare my situation to those outside who I can only make external judgments about, yet I assume that my assumptions about their internal state of happiness are quite accurate.  Anything must be better than what I have.

It is strange that people will make these assumptions based on a photograph or public acclaim (Facebook, instagram, magazines, etc).  For everyone this idea of "glory" is different.  Some may revel in beauty as the ultimate gain for happiness, wanting to lose weight or have clear skin.  For others it's all about having more money, more money, more money. For another it's the academic achievement, intellectual acknowledgment on some grand platform.  For me it's all the above, I just want all of it.  I want the most of everything in all forms, shapes, and sizes, and if I say I didn't want them then I shouldn't ever feel sorry for myself when I see that others have it.  I never used to think that I wanted lots of money or admiration, though I always wanted to be beautiful, but tracing the paths of the many idols in my head I have been able to make such shameful discoveries in my heart.  It's not that I have to be rich or win the Nobel prize, but it is that I esteem those things as one's reason for happiness.  This goes contrary to what I say I believe in.  Of course accolades, achievements and abundance are to be enjoyed and can offer definite moments of pleasure, even euphoria, but they cannot carry anyone's soul through to an everlasting contentment since in time those things will dull and fade into the past.  (This could be an opportunity to ask oneself if they believe they possess a soul.  If so, who can hold the soul but God?)

So then, I find that this deep longing in me is not for what I am truly searching for.  I have to trace everything back to what's in my heart, and then bring them out into the light for validation.  When I hold out the idols of money, beauty, and intellect (for others it could their children, a particular possession, or even another person) I can see that they have no ability to hold my soul.  I run my fingers along their smooth surfaces.  I admire the way they shine, and for a moment they make me feel like I count for something just by having them in my hands as if I can count on them to keep me whole.  Then I consider dropping one onto the floor, I realize that it will probably crack or shatter, and that I actually hold more power than the idol, and if that is the case then it would be foolish to rely so much on something less powerful than myself.  Perhaps from far away they appear to be more than what they are when I actually hold them, and this is why I find it of utmost importance to bring them into the light where I can fully examine them.  I think it's scary to realize that what you wanted is not what will satisfy you, and this understanding may leave you disappointed.  (Or you could be encouraged, especially if the idol is something you have yet to obtain in life, but the essence of this revelation should lie in the fact that it is better to be scared of the truth than embalmed in a lie.)

So as one who looks outside and considers the heart in myself, I realize I don't truly know the hearts of those who carry smiles with money or beauty or intellectual acclaim, but if they have those things it is just as if they were holding the objects, and at any moment they could drop them and that would be it.  I examine my own heart, the only heart for which I truly can examine, and I realize that this is the only reliable evidence I can focus on to make more accurate inferences.  I recognize that no idol can bring me wholeness, none can hold my soul, my inner self that will never fade.

I make my mind up and start walking toward the front of the room.  I get closer to the speaker, and I listen more intently on what he is saying.  All along I had wanted to hear something, anything but I hadn't put it in my mind to do something to hear better.  Oftentimes I feel like that with God.  All I want is for God to say something to me in my deepest darkest hour of desperation or hopelessness.  I start to blame God for His silence, not really considering that perhaps I am in the back of the room and need to do something to get closer.  If there is a way I must have the will to go.

If I know this certainty in me, stronger than uncertainty, that I have a soul then I know only God can hold my soul.  The soul can be sensed when you realize that the things that fade are only blessings from One that never fades.  The soul searches for things that do not fade.  If everything has a beginning then there could only be One who was there before all things to orchestrate the beginning.

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." - Genesis 1:1

Alternatively, I could ignore all that and think whatever I like so that I won't have to believe that God is God, but all that would leave me with are my idols.

Ffor the record, blessings as blessings are meant to be enjoyed thoroughly.  As many Christians have said: enjoy the gifts, but love the Giver.  God doesn't want you to be miserable, in fact if the bible is correct than God intends all things to be for your good.  He sees the danger in having too much candy and the benefits of going to the dentist even if you don't.

J

J