Morning joe (30 min to write!)

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.

even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! 

(Psalm 139:6, 12, 23-24 ESV)

Deep down we all know that God is perfect, and if we walk in His light we walk in perfection, but the problem is that we fail and stumble so many times that instead of recognizing our constant need for His help again and again and again (because we are so incapable and weak) we turn around and dismiss Him as an impossibility, or unfair, unjust, cruel or just plain not worth it.    So as many walk away from God, wandering as the god of their own lives, most still have the audacity to blame God for their bad circumstances, and we all eventually have them.  Yet when good things happen it's all them, and has nothing to do with God because they know they walked away.  Such a twisted mind we all have.  Blaming God is never a smart thing unless we are perfectly walking in His ways, and you might think: "well that's impossible to be perfect and that's why I blame God!" But you don't understand perfection then.  It is not self reliant perfection, that is not walking in His ways, but perfection as His creatures is total reliance on Him.  And this is where our ego says: "no thanks."  But God is so patient and so loving and so gracious and good that despite our twisted egos, He welcomes us back when we get over ourselves and run back to Him, desperate and so sorry for having ever walked away.  

I've tasted what it is to walk with God, and Paul put it best:

"For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,"

-Romans 7:22 

It's the delight that flows from inside, nothing external causes it, and therefore nothing external is involved in producing it, it is simply a joy that is birthed forth from within.  Unlike joys derivative of outside friendships, or romantic relationships, good food, money, achievements, new traveling sights, etc.  All of which having their origin from outside can also be snatched away and gone the moment the root from which it came goes.  (For example I can have joy in getting a new job as a top paid journalist, but that joy is cut off the moment I don't have that job anymore or the moment the job becomes mundane, albeit it may remain a fond memory or just a steady income, but it is no longer a living active joy within me.  The root from which it came is withered and so along with it is the joy it once fed me.  You can replace the word job with anything like a husband, career, beauty, wealth, fame, or whatever it is you desire right now)

The law of God on the other hand is from within because it is not skin and veins, but spiritual.  It is the calm of my thoughts, the understanding of confusion, and the confidence of belonging to God.  It is rooted from within me, because He takes his presence and makes a home within my heart.  Then to walk in His ways is to be fed by the joy that cannot be withered unless it is possible for God to die?  Absurd.  Then He would not be God.  That is why His joy is deep within my innermost being, and my delight is to be fed by walking with Him.  Yes I fall, I stumble, I embarrassingly and shamefully slip in all kinds of unlovely ways, but I admit it.  I am a mess, and I need His help constantly.  He doesn't seem to mind, and it would be strange if ever He decided He had had enough of my weakness and stupidity.  For it was for this very reason that He gave up His life for me, to make a home in my heart, and to have me utterly fall into His arms to be carried into eternal heaven with Him.  So now, in fact I do see that even my walking is quite foolish, for what He says is abide in Him.  Abide....sounds more like combine myself to Him, step into His being.  If that is the case, and John 15 confirms it is, then He wants not only that I continue asking for His help but to take it much further by letting Him take on every step of this life on earth for me.  To let His thoughts guide my decisions, let His strength endure and ward off the attacks, and let His ways become my ways.  Those with their egos may think: "well, then you are no longer yourself, but Jesus does all the living for you!  That's like being dead."  And to that I say, yes and yes.  When I walked apart from Him I was already dying, life was too uncontrollable, too unpredictable and too imperfect for me to stake my hopes in anything that wouldn't eventually wither.  It was a rat race of chasing after the next alluring joy, all the while I knew in the back of my head that eventually I would die, whether from old age or from an accident.  So to use the words interchangeably we are all in some sense dead or dying.  People are literally dying to live or living to die.  The difference is that death in my identity is life in His identity, which as we established is perfect.  While death apart from Him, be it old age or an accident, is a timer ready to ring and close the casket.  Then what?  A mystery?  Maybe they hope something like hell won't be there for them?  Maybe it's gonna be ok.  Maybe we just shouldn't think about it.  It's too scary or it's too unknowable.  And their solution is to ignore it, as if that makes it all ok.  And that is what I find to be much more horrific.  To let the ego decide your fate is pretty much fooling yourself into thinking you have the power to shape what happens to you after you die.  Do you have that power?  Do you have the power to even not die?  You don't.  And that's because we are created, and there is only One Creator.  He has the power to give life and to take it away.  And the more we view that as unfair or unjust, the farther away we go from the life and love He gives to His creatures.  But it starts with recognizing your true state of being. How much power do you have?  How much can you control?  How much do you know?  And when you find the reality of your place, you see the life God gave to us.  A good life.  A life walking in His ways, abiding in Him, letting Him make all our decisions, and being constantly fed on the eternal source of joy that He feeds us.  We die in one respect, in the respect that we are no longer relying on ourselves, but we take on a new life.  It is now His thoughts we think, His actions we do, and His presence we rest in.  

All His ways are written in the bible, and if we take the time to read and meet with Him, we can begin to abide in Him.  Slow and steady or all at once, the pace is not important.  It is the truthfulness on your part, to know when you are progressing or digressing, and to make the necessary adjustments when your ego might try and sneak out through the back exit.  Catch that rat and tie it up!  I would say kill it, but I don't know if we can kill the ego.  Perhaps we cannot, but definitely God can.  So ask God to kill your ego. Haha.  

Set your mind, place your brain in perfect hands rather than your clumsy ones.

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,

 but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 

For to set the mind on the flesh is death, 

but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 

For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. (Romans 8:5-7 ESV)

God's law is perfect, so let Him make your decisions today, and walk in Him, and taste everlasting peace and joy! 

PS: when your ego rages to be self reliant then remind yourself of the power you actually posses when it comes to your very own life!  Can your ego control your heartbeat or your breathing without you dying from either of them stopping?  Nope, in that you see clearly that God is the one who provides every breath and who can take it away as well, and again can resurrect life back into you.  He is in control, not you.  Your ego is inflated with nothing but hot air, so deflate it and be filled with real life and real love, real peace and real joy.  

Jmegrey

PPS: now it won't always feel that way, in fact there will be many nights when you feel bored out of your mind and so lonely as I have come to find, but be patient and in those moments when your ego tries to regain control, before anything else approach your Heavenly Father in humility and ask Him to remind you of reality.  What appears to be painful is in fact only a feeling, but the reality is much more than a feeling, the reality of being Reliant on God means that whatever happens He will not fail.  

And surely, in all my experience, He never has. (While I, on the other hand, have failed and fallen more times than I want to recall)

"And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." -Romans 8:27 

 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! 

My frailty and God's faithfulness

Everything about obedience is being dependent on God.

In some crazy twisted way I manage to argue with my obedience at times when resisting temptation to sin (especially if it is a familiar sin that I have triumphed before) as if it represented my autonomy (a new disparaging known sin, parading before me as a graver sin than the one I am trying to resist, the one I have resisted several times before), so then it is not what is sin in that moment, but which is the worse sin?  How sick is that?  I remember CS Lewis documented this in his book, Screwtape letters. For a moment, without much investigation (since it's often assumed that when I am being sinful I am being sinful) but the devil is trickier than that!  Indeed, when I start to become more aware of my sin, the tactics to sin also change, as if I've discovered one of their positions and likewise they abandon that and regroup in other areas.  It's a tricky thing to be on guard at all times, and to not think that one victory or discovery of the enemy's lies means the complete scourging.  

The more I find is definitely good, the more light shed upon the darkness the wider my territory of God's presence in my life, however, it is here now that the darknesses become less and less obvious.  Or that I become dangerously close to being content with the space I've gained in Christ, whether by laziness or just the mere want of rest from all the fighting.   But when God promised His people all the promised land, did He not command the Israelites to follow through with His Ban (Deut 7) for the sake of His people?  It was required for their sakes and their protection, for the sanctity of their position as God's people.  If they didn't follow the ban (which they didn't) then they became susceptible to the religions of the surrounding people groups, they disobeyed God (a reason in itself to be denied God's protection), and they failed to gain the blessing in full...not only that but what followed suit was beyond morbid as depicted in the book of Judges.  

"A little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough."

Gal. 5:9

In other words, a little sin will turn everything moldy!  A little poop in your bowl of cereal makes the entire bowl disgusting! 

If then I am told to persevere and put off the old self completely (Ephesians 4:22-24) doesn't that mean even the crevices and every remaining strand that was of my former self?  I mean, God has clearly stated the ban on our former selves by saying we are to be new creations.  Not partially, but completely.  

It's here that their tricky traces are found less in the acts themselves, but in the rivulets of motivations, doubts, and confusion.  A strong Spirit-led discernment is absolutely crucial.  In fact a Spirit led discernment is the only one with the power to save us from falling for the lies (John 16:15).  Without a Spirit led discernment we are just empty clay jars--breakable and unmendable, but with the Spirit of God we are empowered clay jars carrying the power of God!  We are still breakable, but His power can fix that in a snap!  So then, our obedience to do what He says puts us in vulnerable situations, many times in places where we do break into pieces, in order that He display His power in putting us back together.  

So how do we strengthen our discernment?  We don't.  It is the Spirit of God that discerns for us, and therefore it is our sole responsibility to rely utterly on Him.  How, you might ask do we rely on the Holy Spirit for such a crucial need?  Indeed, the more I walk this walk the more I see a complete surrender to God is again the only way.  There is no such partiality to becoming Christian.  For nothing we do is of ourselves, since we are all created bodies not immune to sickness and death.  How then do we access the Spirit? 

All power and authority has been given to Jesus (Matt. 28:18/ Luke 10:19), who we "put on" by the Holy Spirit enabling us, we as our ordinary selves are the downplayed earthen vessels which yet hold the power of the Spirit (2 Cor. 4:7), to overcome the enemy. 

It is regaling upon the gospel daily, looking to our Savior Jesus who was sent by the Father to defeat our unmendablness by filling us with His Spirit, that eternal Life of immunity. 

And I'm again at bowing down to God with utmost reasonable acknowledgment that obedience to Him is not autonomy, but complete surrender.  If I love Him I will obey Him.  If I obey Him, I am not making an autonomous decision, but I am making the choice to trust that if I break He will put me back together, and that if I fail He will produce perfection out of my failure, and I obey in order to receive that immunity, that Forever invincibility, that power, that of Himself in me.  

There is no autonomy in obedience friends.  Perhaps I am quite dull to even consider this, but for me this truth gives me reason and firm ground to obey in the face of difficulty.  Especially when I see sin, and the choice to resist is weak, I then must remember this truth.  

I cannot resist sin on my own, I will fail too many times.  I must remember that my obedience is connected to my belief in Jesus.  

When "Just obey" is not convincing enough, then ask the Holy Spirit to remind you why obedience is power, and He will give you the motivation and the freedom to walk in obedience in any situation, especially ones where you will probably shatter, JUST SO God can mightily put you back together, because He is God and He is kind of genius at making things new.  

Don't get me wrong, this is something I need to remind myself of every single time I face temptation from the littlest things (like getting angry at someone on the freeway) to the bigger beastly things that are entrenched within me to destroy me (like anxiety).  I forget so easily, and it's amazingly humbling to know that God is patient and His mercies are new every morning.  But most of all that obedience means Life in me, not merely serving God as his subject.  This is the relationship with a personal God who is inviting us to partake of Himself, for Himself, to be of Him!  Obedience is personal in that we are given this great blessing to Know God!  Then it is also beholding an infinite being with finite eyes!  Where do I stand then?  Only at the foot of the cross, gahh.  It is here, then, that I eat obedience and it is sweeter than the honey comb.

“Tribulation (entering the arena of potential shattering) brings about perseverance (obedience); and perseverance, proven character (power); and proven character, hope (Jesus); and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts THROUGH the Holy Spirit who was given to us” 

(Romans 5:3–5).

And this is an earlier battle for my personal example:

I just want to be right!  

I see the stubbornness of my mind: Convinced until I'm not.

Unconvinced until convinced.

The mind is not easily shook of it's decisions, and when it is it's more of a tremble or tremor, and then a bashing before a flop....landing upside down.

I want to convince everyone else of where they are wrong (and where I am right).  In my head I hear a rebuttal or play the devils advocate quite naturally, and I even play it well regardless of if that is really my stance in the topic. 

And then to know that I'm powerless. I, apart from God, know nothing of value. (This always hits me at some point)

I cannot change or transform a mind, not even my own!

I can however recognize when I am overwhelmed, lazy or anxious in regards to knowing God more.  If things feel or are in fact way too complex...to still go at it, in faith, believing that God is at work in the result, I am at work in the belief. 

That is the scary thing, until it's not. 

Haha

Let me explain.  When talking to someone who says they believe in the prosperity gospel and they back up their claims with feelings of "God's affirmation", tears, and even several outside confirmations by others who know nothing of their circumstance, all of these are quite ....charismatic in essence.  However God is known as a father who knows His son or a wife knows her husband or a shepherd knows his sheep (though this example is a bit archaic for us non-shepherds) the point being, as J I Packer helps clarify is that God is not merely an "essence" or a "feeling", but He is as knowable as the extent to which you know your friend, spouse, parent or teacher.  

God seems to be way out of our caliber, yet meets us on some personal level-- kind of like ...an epiphany.  Or as my theology school says, a theophany!  Haha. 

“Tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:3–5).

--

Question: what is personal about God? 

Because if God is not personal it makes no sense for Him to send His only Son to become a man, suffer, die and then rise again.  

And then....several hours later I wrote what is up there.  Because after all, on the meekest level it is usually always about sin.  To put it off completely, or to put it off partially.  (I hardly ever have the desire to not put it off at all).  

Oh that God would draw nearer to me, as I rationally draw near to Him. Not for sanity, though He does provide the best of that, but for Life. To be ok to break, and to be excited for Him to do His powerful work of putting me back together in a new fashion.  

That is the sweetest freedom for a frail mind as I have.  

Jmegrey

Hello Holy Spirit,

Circle up P. Anonymous.

You're anxious, I am too.

You're disappointed in yourself, me too.

You're mentally exhausted, I'm worse!

With school, with work, with ministry, with relationships, with boredom, with meaning, with physical edginess, with the unknowable future, with the regrettable past, with all of it! 

Yes, with fear and doubt, anger and apathy, worry and exhaustion.  All of it, comes piling in me, compressing my soul, but what do we have to combat what is there...destroying us?

Perhaps we are so overwhelmed we cannot even formulate a sentence, and can do little aside from close our eyes, take a deep breath, and groan inwardly, perhaps tears will drip down and take with it some of our angst.  Let it be.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."(Romans 8:26 ESV)

And what if we are so heavy laden in the thickness of our suffering?  The body becomes cumbersome with all it's desires, the mind is restless with overlapping thoughts and unanswered questions, the soul is but a weak and frail anchor hanging by a seamstress's loose thread. 

Yes!  Indeed we are afraid that our souls be detached from ourselves, and we be labeled the careless seamstress, but the very thing we fear is that which we should rejoice in for the soul longs to be rid of the body for a home in the heavenly body! 

"For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling,"

(2 Corinthians 5:2 ESV)

So groan and cry, kick and scream, look straight into the face of that despicable liar.  

Let the words of truth clothe you in righteousness, and don't be so cruel to our loving Savior as to ignore the sacrifice He made.  He died to give us Himself, his perfection, the blessed Spirit of God that invites us to be as He is.

"But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires."

 (Romans 13:14 ESV)

Yes, it is frustrating, and we feel ill equipped at first.  We are forgetful of the power indwelling us!  This is not some psychological maneuver, though some will refuse to believe otherwise, let them remain in their own turmoil, why join them when we know for certain of the freedom we have in Christ Jesus?  

Why do I sound like a 16th century rhetorician?  Haha.  I don't know, that's just how the words formulate in my mind.  

But beloved ones,

"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." 

(Hebrews 12:7, 11-13 ESV)

Stop thinking about the guilt from what you did, and instead use that to recognize the love of Him who bore all of it.  Yes you sin, and we know that sin's only path is destruction and death, a downward spiral...but then do we try to control sin?  Do you see what you are attempting to do when you don't consult and call upon the Spirit to forgive and transform you?  And how many times before the Spirit in us is fed up?  Because if you're like me, sin bites me in the ass everyday.  (I never use cuss words haha but it was what I was thinking).

"If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 

(1 John 1:6, 8-10 ESV)

So we are never without sin, and we are never without His presence in us to forgive and transform us.

It is endless grace, simultaneously sinner and justified.  

How so?!  How is it that we are justified but still sinning?  Only by His Holy Spirit! 

Who is that? Haha well, that's a start.  He is alive and dwells in every believer.  I talk to Him, walk with Him, and He is why I can approach the throne of God as perfectly holy.  He is the blessing, he is the helper, he is the counselor for decisions, He is perfect.  And then the most magnificent truth is that He is with me wherever I am in whatever I do, inviting me back into perfection.  Right now.  What?!

I know. 

This was a perfectionist anonymous circling, but instead of getting rid of wanting perfection, we are invited to supersede our desire for it, past the frills and thrills of fake perfection, the lopsided perfection, in favor of the real thing, have it fully! 

Desire perfection for it is attainable. 

"You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect."(Matthew 5:48 ESV)

I love the truth! 

Let me again emphasize that there is nothing we cannot face and overcome with the Holy Spirit.  It is NOT an instance of mind over matter, if you ignore the issue it will only rise again when it comes back to mind!  No, call on the Holy Spirit who has the power to heal you!  He is real. 

Hello Holy Spirit.

Jmegrey. 

I just love His presence

I just love to be in the presence of Jesus.

I love Him.

He makes my heart laugh!

His goodness is like the first bite of a delicious meal;

Like a pause during celebrating,

Safety,

Epic adventure,

An honor ceremony,

Indescribable joy.

And more than that, 

Jmegrey. 

I come home to the Sun.

I read Psalm 19 wondering what it meant to have a "tent" set in me, thinking the analogy very ambiguous and confusing.  Here are my thoughts on the matter through biblical research mixed in with my personal understanding (the only understand I understand best haha): I was no longer just a dot (earth) revolving around the GINORMOUS Sun, as relying on the sustaining source of my (the earth's) ability to exist, but that I was now the tent in which the Sun had a place to exude outward.  Life was now in me, rather than far and exclusive.  The revelation of God revealed in Nature is so amazing to think about (Psalm 19:1-6).  Then the revelation of God in the Law is powerful enough to change one's perspective in that God makes those who are unclean clean because He's God, and He alone has the power to forgive sins.  God Almighty, like the Sun mighty in that all revolves around it, has now come to rest in the tent set in me.  

I was enthralled by such a closeness.  

I come home to the Sun.

We are close, as close as two people dwelling in a tent.

That's pretty irreplaceable.  

I come home to Him....every day.

The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
 which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.

The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!

Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

**side note: "Tent" was also "tabernacle" in other versions of the bible, and the Tabernacle in Israel was placed in the very center of the people.  Only those elected and ordained by God could come into the most Holy of Holies where the presence of God was.  (The farthest circle included foreigners/anyone that was not an Israelite, which includes most of us, the next circle closer in proximity to the Tent in the center were the tribes of Israel, then the circle encamped closer were the Levites who served the in the courts around the temple (and no other person could enter), then the only ones able to go inside were the priests, but at the very center, the room inside the temple called the Holy of Holies was allowed only for the High Priest.)  It was very exclusive and regulatory.  If anyone else crossed their boundary lines they would be put to death.  It was a powerful a sacred place, because it was the place where God Himself dwelt.  It was the center as well as the Protector, the Provider, the Healer, and the place where the people went to ask for forgiveness of their sins.  So for the Psalmist to declare that God has set in us a tent for the Sun, the Sun alluding to His presence which is everywhere, is amazing.  It's relation not regulation now.  

God has set a tent in you, and not far away.

After this, I started singing: "may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You!" over and over.  O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."  Thank you, I love You.  I can do anything now that I know the One I love and who loves me is the One I come home to every day.

For someone with intimacy issues, this brought me so much clarity.  I am so individualistic and self reliant.  I try to do everything on my own, and I don't want to need anyone's help, because I am the only person who loves me enough to do what's right, but that's a lie proven with time and experience.  I am broken and full of sin, and I need intimacy with someone who can forgive sin and help me make my decisions.  But I have to know that person loves me first before I can trust them with these decisions.  God is persistent in showing me that He loves me even though everyday I storm out on Him, mad or disappointed, or even those moments I think that I'm hiding away so as to not bother Him, He see me, finds me, and continues to beckon me back home.  

Jmegrey.

What do I know? (In theology school)

The main point:  knowledge is not measured by how much we know, but but how much we love. 

 (Which Is loving God, which is loving others which is loving God) 

-broken record or explicitly on repeat?

 For how could one measure one's love for God if not for the command to love OTHERS?  It kind of reminds me of faith and works...the two go hand in hand. 

Faith without works is dead, works without faith...that's just masochistic.  Haha.  

Some quick summaries directly applied to me: 

Learn for the very sake of loving. 

Right learning is loving God.

Having knowledge puffs up, but having love builds up.

Learning as a means of loving.

Love is the goal for why I learn theology.

What does what I know translate into loving God and others more, and am I doing that? 

How clearly I see myself in light of the gospel (and the law), and in contrast how my mind is abased more quickly than the drop of a pin.  The time it takes for the pin to drop is the time it takes for what I know to become foolishness, when it is without love.  Both love for others and love for God, a two in one concept for equilibrium. 

I was so moved by this morning's routine wake up devotional (which for me is either listening to a gospel podcast, prayer (the most rare I must admit), listening to music and worshipping along, or quiet meditation and conversing with God--side note for those who might want to know a good podcast: I usually listen to john piper, Matt chandler, tullian tchividjian, Robert Morris or Tim Keller--all of whom are not perfect in their theology but help to illuminate scripture and life in light of the centrality of Jesus, which of course is key).  

Anyway, this morning it was a podcast from John piper to the new and upcoming students of BCS (Bethlehem college and seminary), which I thought well directed toward my situation as well, being a fresh rookie in theology school.  

John's theme for the talk was: 

THINKING EXISTS FOR THE SAKE OF LOVING.

A tool all students MUST wield in their respective academic fields, but also something we all do everyday when it comes to knowing God.  So it's not just a student thing, but it's a human thing.  If you have a mind, you are thinking! 

Right when I heard that I was floored, it was like a light switch went on and I found myself standing off the path, and could find my way back on the path.  

"Thinking with right reason is a God ordained means of loving others."

-the literal thesis 

He gives three biblical examples, but after you hear the 3, you can hopefully see the pattern in all of the bible.  Such as was the case for me, it was a truth reinforced and delineated in class I had about the Old Testament this morning regrading Deuteronomy and the meaning explicitly given for the Torah/the Law.  

Here are his 3 examples (and then I will give a few more)

1.  Now concerning food offered to idols: we know that “all of us possess knowledge.” This “knowledge” puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God. 

(1 Corinthians 8:1-3 ESV)

Therefore, as to the eating of food offered to idols, we know that “an idol has no real existence,” and that “there is no God but one.” (Jesus's simplicity in this is amazing, because the Jews are asking what should and shouldn't be done in regards to food and idols, but Jesus is saying use what you KNOW, that idols don't exist!  The food is just food, and the people are who you should be concerned about, love them and do whatever means loving them.  Genius. 

(1 Corinthians 8:4 ESV)

The odd statement:

"If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God."

It does NOT say "If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone knows (as he ought to know), he's known by God!"

But instead of saying "knows as he ought to know" Paul says "if anyone loves God!"

Translation: right knowing is loving God.  

Piper begins to unfold this verse by saying Paul is not saying no one can know anything (clearly we would not be able to do anything - may as well shut down all the schools) 

So it is not knowing that is impossible, but it is that knowing is a product of loving God, and when it is not, it is nothing. 10 times Paul says "do you not know?!" Which must mean "you should know!"  So knowing is necessary, but knowing can be defected...or prostituted! 

Ok really though, I can't do a very good job of reiterating what Piper said as he said it, so scrap the plan. I'll give you what I got from it personally, but I recommend you listening to the podcast for the full talk.  

So theology is similar to philosophy. It's a lot of thinking, a lot of attempts at understanding (knowing) and needless to say I'm sure if you've been following my past entries you can see what a hot mess I've become under the stress or overwhelming aspects in being here.  (Especially my last post, which is gloriously answered in this post--the question of "what in the world are You doing God?")

God is teaching me to love.

Would be the short answer, but what does that or how does that begin?  Who does what first?  Does God say and then I do?  Or does my doing reflect God's command?  In other words, do I read scripture or does scripture read me? 

Let me unpack this golden nugget.

I can ace every test, I can know every professor's point of view, read every book and know every text, every argument, every historical context, every theologian and their contribution to theology, and even every bible verse by memory!  I can even have feelings of joy from this, feelings of being loved, feelings of clarity (which are scary facades to the real thing)  because if I do not love, I am as Paul writes: a resounding gong.  A clang.  A crashing cymbal.  An imbecile.  I am without any true knowledge.  

First let me say what that does NOT mean, it does not mean I can never know anything.  There is knowing to be had, specifically for believers who have the Holy Spirit, our "Counselor" and let's not forget the Holy Spirit is our ONLY accessibility to God.  (More on the Holy Spirit later)

What it does imply is that there is a kind of knowing that leads to emptiness and there is a kind of knowing that leads to being known by God. 

So how do we differentiate the between the two?

Clearly no one intentionally desires to know in order to become empty, yet so many who come to "know" God initially fall prey to this result, especially students of theology ...where knowledge is directly measured and quantified with a grade!  

And reciprocally no one begins loving others without coming to this position of being known by God, or in other words, having a genuine relationship with God.  (Links well to the scripture a lot of Christians talk about regarding judgment day when Jesus says to the so called believers "depart from Me, I NEVER KNEW YOU." -Matthew 7:22-23). Wow.  Okay this is just too much for me right now haha.  

So God is giving us a fool proof doctrine!

  If you know a lot but have not love, then you know nothing.  If you "love" (I put that in quotations since most people do not objectively substantiate the definition of love by God's standards, but they think love is a feeling or a sequence or combination of acts, when clearly love is in and of itself DEFINED in 1 Corinthians 13)...continuing: if you "love" a lot yet are not known by God (in a personal relationship) you are not loving, and therefore you, again, are a resounding gong.  Empty.

My head is spinning at this.  I mean, this is monumental.  This is also nothing new! Haha.  It's words illuminated by the Holy Spirit for me personally, and I hope for you as well.

Therefore we can gather that you cannot ever think that you know something after learning until you apply that knowing to loving God (which as I said is evidenced by loving others--stated in the greatest commandment), and likewise you cannot say that you love God or others because of what you do (oh I'm nice or kind or patient), but rather because of WHO YOU KNOW.  You can certainly support your evidence of love by 1 Corinthians 13, however you can not originate it whereby giving those acts of real love the power of a primary source.  

You Love because you Know, and you Know because you Love.  

Does that make sense?

Well for me it made a little sense, which I am happy to take!  I am still learning to love, or I should say, learning in order that I can love.  But loving others and learning have always been mutually exclusive for me.  What does what I know about Athanasius have anything to do with calling up a friend and treating her to lunch to talk about her life and struggles?  What does knowing the definition of Torah or Septuagint have anything to do with how much love I have for others?  

And yes, they ALL have something to do with loving others, and it is the glory of kings to search these things out.  We were given a mind by God for God.  Use it.  Think. 

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God (there is no knowledge apart from that which belongs to God), but the things that are revealed (what God reveals to us through His Word) belong to us and to our children (that's us) forever, that we may do all the words of this law.(Jesus who fulfilled the Law for us now stands as our Savior and our inspiration to love!  Instead of the Law acting as our oppressor because we see how sinful and weak we are when it comes to fulfilling the law, now the Law beautifully shouts the grace and love of God who initiated our freedom from the Law ...out of Love!  -John 3:16). 

(Deuteronomy 29:29 ESV)

So the reminder here, to myself, and to you beloved friends, is learn in order that you can love (God and others)! 

Therein lies the greatest commandment of God.  

Jesus says: I desire mercy not sacrifice.  This ties in with the context of rituals sustained by the Law, but that had been broken when Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice. We have been shown mercy when we look at ourselves in light of the entire gospel (the entire bible)!  If you cannot see the mercy behind the bible, or if you only know it but it does not burst in you the passionate desire to love others and God, then what you know is a resounding gong!  

So then the question is, what are you going to do about this?  What do you do when faced with such an incongruent dilemma?  Does it suffice for you to let your eternity hang on the balance of an incongruity?  Or will you use the mind God gave you and work your salvation out with much fear and trembling!   Okay, haha I'm getting all preachy now, but I hope I made a point, big or small.  The bible makes so much sense man.  It's so freaking genius.

What will theology school teach me in order to better equip me for loving others (and God)?  

That is the question I need to keep at the forefront of every class and assignment. 

Man, I know I'll have to remind myself of this on several occasions, perhaps everyday, and by God's grace I will run the course set before me, even if...or I should say: especially when I stumble off every now and again.  

In case you didn't catch the point: 

Live today loving others 

and loving God, 

and wield your mind in doing so!  

That my friends is how we take captive our thoughts.  

When it gets hard to love, that is when you have lost sight of God (solution: look at God, who is He?)

When it gets hard knowing God, look at your life in community.  The love shown in fellowship is key in constructing a more clear view of God.  

Peace to your trembling minds, I know what you're going through, and there is hope.

Jmegrey

God what are You doing?

What is it when all the learning about God becomes a task?  When doing "Christian" stuff becomes lifeless?  What is it when the revelations stop and you're staring at a bunch of tasks or obligations?

What are You teaching me now? 

Gosh,  I'm still so autonomous, there is so much in me that wants to be free from trying, but yet letting my self sufficiency go feels like walking off the plank into the alligator's mouth.  Does death have any power?  No.  But I'm a blindfolded Wendy who is afraid.  I don't want fear, I want freedom.  

I have these moments where I begin to think of future failure rather than future grace, and when I do that fear sets in rather than freedom.  

Future failure looks more real.

Future grace is completely a blind trust thing.

God help me to walk in Your grace, and not abuse it.  Help me be weak so that I see how strong You are.  Help me have faith to look past the fear.  

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

- (Philippians 4:7, 12 ESV)

Help me see You more clearly in the horizon of eternity, and at the same time right inside of me.

For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”

Wow.  Thank You for Your mercy right now.  

The goal of Theology school

It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. (Proverbs 25:2 ESV)

Searching out God, and inevitably myself in the process has been stimulating, to say the least.  I hop on a universe-sized spectrum of "stressed" to "overjoyed", with all kinds of in between "stuff" haha.  For someone who is so black and white, and task oriented, it's a lot of grey and infinitive or cyclic concepts to discover.  On the one hand, I shrink and shrink as a weaker and weaker cherrio in the world, while on the other hand I take in wider glimpses of the enormity of God that I could never have seen as a self-perceived "stronger" chip. Thus, I am weak, but Christ in me grows stronger.

So, I suppose this blog will now take on a more definitive direction, that being the experience I go through as a theology student.  I feel awkward saying a "seminary student", since most would automatically picture a pastor (which I do not currently have a desire to be), but my goals, or goal I should say, is to finish or not finish with a more genuine and intimate love for God and others.

(Very generic sounding, I know, haha that's because I pulled it off of the university's motto ...but it's true.)

Having said that....haha I'll just start with my feebleness as one week has officially gone by.

Some words (let's label these "yikes" words) to describe the train wreck in my head:

Anxious

Nervous

Stressed

Frail

Fragile

Worried

Fearful

Afraid

Angry

Doubtful

Confused

Bewildered

Awkward

Rushed 

Socially inept 

Tired

Uncontrollable

Timid

Shaky

Frazzled

Overwhelmed

Scared

Painful

Emotional 

Deflated

Cry.

And the list could go on, but those are the ones that immediately resurfaced by memory. 

My ravenous desire to be the best or at least "noticed" gives birth to the "yikes" and makes doing the assignments and readings stressful instead of stimulating and awesome.

On the other hand other words (let's label these "yes" words) have illuminated my heart in the deepest wells and darkest tunnels, and those could be described as:

Joy

Peace

Love

Gratefulness

Wider glimpses of grace (past, present and future)

Understanding

Security

Confidence

Strength

Trust 

Hope

Laughter

Relationships

Health

Logic

Dreamlike

Euphoric 

Excited 

Bursting at the seams with goodness

Passion

Integrity

Character 

Honor

Honesty

And many more.

In a nutshell I am both stressed and joyful.  The scale slides more toward one end in certain situations (or for certain assignments and their due dates), but overall I am extremely awed by the fact that I am here...in theology school.  I never imagined being here, but that's not surprising. 

As the opening proverb stated: 

It is HIS GLORY TO CONCEAL things, and ours to search them out.

Poignantly put.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love theology school so far, absolutely love it.  

Sometimes it feels like a dream, and that I'm floating on a cloud ...until I'm not. 

As I've begun classes, I am still trying to "get back into the swing of things", or any swing at all.  I have never wanted to do so well academically as I find I do now.  That, however, subsequently gives a wider opening to "yikes" words, and the only thing that counteracts them are "yes" words....or I should say yikes and yes FEELINGS, since they can not come alive just by saying or thinking them.   Each has a fuel, and at first I thought one was Spirit fueled, while the other was Flesh-fueled, but if it weren't for the yikes words...the yes words would never exist. So now I'm leaning more toward the idea that both flow under the authority of God, like I'm just sitting in the car, and God is pumping my gas for me.  Which is frightening in the sense that I have no control over which petroleum He's using for my Aston Martin (did I even spell that right--by the way I don't drive that car..it's a metaphor haha), but comforting if I know He's God and I'm His daughter, and that He will also be the driver. 

Albeit...

I find I have no time. 

You might wonder how I'm writing this now, but I'll explain later.

I have little time to sleep or eat with all that I see set before me to be done.  I am ruled by the ever all conclusive check mark.  I'm the girl who makes a list for everything and checks them each off to satiate the day as being "done".  So being given the syllabus for each class, knowing the reports and books to be written and read with chronological due dates....to me they look like a check list, and I have to finish all of them before I can "stop".  

As you can see this makes time management very crummy, a social life even crummier, and the opening for "yes" words crummiest! 

Another thing that's really conflicted me was the step back from involvement at my church.  I had to miss praise team practice and didn't go to the church baptism for all the new members either (although that one should be left out, because I had no desire to go).  I left Thursday night bible study early to finish a paper, and all the while I keep wondering how much is too much and how much will be detrimental to my spirit.  I know I need community, family, and spiritual guidance, but I am getting more "yikes" than "yes" from this particular conflict.  I still haven't figured much out on this regard, but the sermon today was about ever increasing grace for one another, and in a sense I sort of hoped I would be shown more grace during this time of my studies.  However, I think about how my goal is in direct relationship to this dilemma.  I am here to love God and others more.  Therefore I don't want to engage solely in my studies that teach me to love others while I myself live in utter seclusion from those I'm being taught to love.  Though maybe I should learn first then love, or is a simultaneous process what God wants?  Or is there not a distinction between the two?  So yea, I have a lot of questions about that...because I am really slow at reading and slower at comprehending, which make my studies very time consuming.  However, I won't discredit God in the least by saying it is impossible to invest in both physically as well as spiritually.  I only hope and pray I will obey The Lord in whatever He tells me regarding my time.

Lastly, I want to say that the last assignment I read (3 articles) about an hour ago, were on this very agenda.  The articles were about the temptations within the atmosphere of any academic endeavor, but specifically in a theological one.  All in all the goal remains, to love God and others more, but the process is the part that gets muddled by all kinds of distractions. 

The articles talk about the importance of prayer and understanding that learning is a Spirit fueled process not something we do on our own for our own gain.  Ultimately my goal is to love God and others, and that goal is so easily obscured by pride, lack of communication, and disunity from the body.  Or in my case by my shaky "unrest" of and in self. 

There's a lot going on in my head, so this post is really messy, but in short...the more I love God genuinely the more that gets translated or transferred to all other areas of my life.  I notice I have the urge to "give advice" or "teach" others, but in reality when I see myself more transparently, I need to be taught, and not before I teach others but in order to teach others.  I think it's a natural by product, and something that automatically (and might I say: most effectively), happens when I realize that I need to be taught.  In other words, when my focus is saying "God, what are you teaching me now?" It most usually happens that in that others catch the same lesson I learn, though not of my direct intention.   Does that make sense?  I mean, I could be wrong, but I mostly mean "walk the talk".  Or have personal head to heart connections.  This does not so much go for professors who are given the specific authority by the position of "teacher", this is more for the layman with no current sheep and no current position--but who can still find the beauty of being able to encourage others with as little of your pride or ego getting in the way as possible.  It's more of a training prior to teaching....? Maybe, perhaps. 

If it doesn't make sense to me, I don't expect it to make much sense to the person I'm trying to make it make sense to.  And if it, at the moment, does not deeply speak to me, I don't expect it to deeply speak to the person I'm speaking to.  Having been on the receiving end of this idea--I believe this to be true.  I don't care who you are, how persuasive you speak, or even how much fruit you have to show for it...unless you are telling me what you are still learning at the moment, I will outwardly nod my head, but inwardly be humming to my own tune.  For who has fully grasped anything that is not still yet to be fully complete?  Does anyone have complete faith (meaning they never doubt)?  Does anyone have complete love (meaning they never get angry or impatient or selfish, etc)?  Does anyone have a complete understanding of how God speaks to them?  All I now is that the times I was genuinely changed or learned something from head to heart, were mostly, if not all, from those who demonstrated this type of humility.  

And since no one can ever truly identify themselves as humble (a contradiction in itself) all I can do is understand my own need for more of God and His grace for me. 

(Amidst all of this I know I am fighting the lie that I know a lot.  An oddly strange and difficult battle...being that it is a lie, it's embarrassing when I'm wrong about myself. Haha)--(also, I still have a very strong sense of independence, although slightly weakened by God's grace, I want to be more weak and in need of community in order that I may attach myself completely to the Body of Christ!)

That being said, I apologize for the smattering format of this post.  I made time to write it, because it is a part of my intentional learning.  To recognize and implement the truth that I need the Spirit as well as the Word for a complete step towards the goal. 

(And humility when I look back and see all the areas where I was so maddeningly wrong!) 

All this to say, I must admit that I wish I had someone to share all of these things with in person.  But it's not everyday you meet someone who will be so vulnerable as this to make such conversations possible and at the same time constructive.  I want only to share this if I too can learn in return, otherwise something feels amiss.  I am stopping myself from this, haha, by refusing to believe most can teach me....but God has been gracious to me.  So, so gracious, and little by little I'm becoming less ignorant.  

Peace and love my friends.  

Your hippy theology student,

Jmegrey