Online dating

Online dating reveals a lot about the state of most men in their 20s and 30s who are still single.  (Of course the opposite is true for women, but we won't get into that right now).  There are several different factors to consider when speculating a man who has resigned himself to a profile and a few (often) outdated or poorly angled photos (or both).  Obviously I have ventured into the realm of online dating, admittedly, but taboos aside, I'd like to expand on some of the discoveries I've made from this blog's perspective.  First off, I have only dabbled in the free online sites, and while I knew what I was getting into, I didn't know that I had slightly set some preconceived notions about the kind of men I would be encountering.  Needless to say, most of my expectations were fairly low, and highly motivated by boredom and my insatiable desire to be admired.  Now, there were some perks to the parameters of being a mere "profile", and that was the freedom to soften or deepen the wrinkles of my personality.  Let's not even get into the kind of person who would lie about themselves, since that in itself is futile if one desires anything substantial to come from online dating.  So, I created a profile.  I tried not to blast the whole "God" thing and kept it vaguely mysterious.  I will admit, I relied most on my more "attractive" photos to catalyze the messages I received rather than the words I used to describe myself since I myself found myself looking first then reading, hopefully the photos I chose were not too deceptive of me, but regardless I got enough introductions that led to interesting conversations as well as eventually to the deletion of my profile after one week.  I noticed a few things namely that most of the guys on the site were actually still very much human as the rest of the tangible world.  I kept imagining the dungeons and dragons gamer or the lazy couch potato, or a man-whore looking for some easy local booty, but most of the guys I came across seemed pretty normal, and only slightly awkward.  Well, that's a lie, there are more gaming/lazy/man-whores than there are not, but it's fairly easy to tell.  Anyway, we're all pretty awkward as far as first encounters go, so I tried not to judge too harshly, and in fact, I made an effort to be even more awkward in reply so as to invite a more welcoming atmosphere to be ok with being weird.  I am pretty weird after all, I shouldn't try to hide that since it's quite obvious in person.

Now, that I'm done blabbing about the initial process, let me begin with the connections I made.  I was able to have a few conversations that actually led to a very gradual welcome into the subject of God.  Most of the conversations I had began with the fluffy stuff, which I suppose is always going to be inevitable, but I've learned to be more patient regarding small talk.  First off I made it so that I preferred to be matched with another male who's profile displayed "Christianity" as their religion, this was to at least be somewhat intentional.  So I got connected to some decent christian men, who I later discovered were less than eager to share the details of their faith.  I got a consistent impression that most of the christian men were ready to completely discard that part of their profile quite easily for the right potential, there's an option to put that you're not that serious about being Christian which a lot of people chose to include  (what does that even mean??  Are they afraid people will think they are bible thumpers or the like?  That's so sad).  This was expected, but it was still disappointing.  However, my boredom and vanity kept me trudging through, and I ended up have a few decent conversations with men who found me and had listed "Agnosticism" as their view of religion.  It was very surprising when I also found out that many of these agnostic men had once been more or less Christian at some point in their lives (think church goer, mission trips, and retreats).  Initially, most of the back and forth chatting was about work, educational background, and how unsuccessful online dating had been for them due to the lack of responsiveness or distance.  I won't even get into the fact that most of the guys on there who messaged me considered Asian women to be the holy grail of potential mates, and I did my best to weed out the ones that were possibly overly infected with Asian fever.  But eventually I was able to plow through some fluff and incite them to ask me more about myself, which made it much easier to bring up the matters closest to my heart like God and the importance of knowing Him to be real or not.  Surprisingly I discovered that there were still traces of a desire to know and question who God was more than there were in the actual "christian" men I talked with.  This is a very general postulation, but I got the gnawing feeling that the "christian" men on the site identified with God less than the non christians.  It was strange, but for some reason when I got anywhere close to talking about God it was the non christian men who showed more of a genuine appeal, whereas the christian men sort of approached the subject almost a bit ashamed, always trying to dilute their faith.  Perhaps they were afraid that women would be turned off or not attracted, but still they had it listed on their profile very passively.  So I had more to talk about with the non christians when it came to the subject of God.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, between the ages of 20-30, these agnostic men had found it difficult to maintain their beliefs.  Though from the information I gathered it appeared like they no longer found being Christian useful to their lifestyles, yet when we spoke more I could easily sense their brokenness and longing for real love.  I mean, that is at the core of everyone's desire, to know and have love, yet for these men it was no longer sufficient to pursue that love from an invisible God.  Can you blame them?  I certainly don't, but I do question their efforts for being intentional about actually giving God a chance, and maybe they didn't because they were just born and raised into it.  Being intentional is crucial to every person's progression toward truth, and in my opinion, toward cultivating a genuine relationship with an invisible God.  Perhaps like so many others they just lapsed into apathy after a good long run with legalistic lifestyles, when cause no longer produced the desired effect (mission trips or going to church did not bring them happiness) they just gave up, having never really experienced the transforming encounter of God's grace.  I mean, their decisions could have been the result of a plethora of different circumstances and feelings, but the most intriguing discovery I made was that when they were slightly guided into the topic of God through a raw honest perspective, meaning with a tone of speculation and confusion, they almost always seemed to get strangely more interested.  It was as if I were showing them real doors that led to the real God, rather than ideals that led them to hopelessness.  It was nice, and made for good conversation.

This led me to think that perhaps many of the men who grow up christian often fall away from the faith because they never meet God intimately for themselves, whereas the men who merely wear the label Christian continue to do so with even more apathy about God than the latter.  Obviously I am making some pretty broad speculations that could and probably are wrong for a lot of the guys I came across, but it was unique to have deeper conversations about faith with the non christians than the christians.

For both cases it seems they were never activated by the Holy Spirit, and therefore when their efforts at being "good" ceased to produce the desired result, they turned to what appealed to their more realistic sense of the world, calling it reason, science, logic, etc.  I got a little excited when I realized that they still questioned the existence of God, because questioning is better than settling to just ignore something that you're not really sure of.  Most people want to remain in a form of equilibrium of comfort, whether or not that sacrifices a degree of certainty within themselves, or perhaps they just don't want to do what it would take to know the truth because they sense that the truth will not be easy to listen to, again it's all about having what's easier I suppose.  It is alarmingly easy to allow yourself to be ok with not being ok so long as there are temporary gratifications to help you not think too much.

 It was interesting that online dating became an avenue for being able to talk about God.  However, at the end of it all I was exhausted, and my brain hurt (you can just imagine the kind of questions people will ask who expect to have the definition of God handed to them on a platter).  I closed my profile down.  I don't think online dating is bad, because I know several people who have met their spouses through it, and maybe I'll give it another go later on, but right now I don't find it very sufficient.  To me, it lacks a tinge of bravery and intentionality that I highly value in a man who is firmly established in his identity in Christ.  I suppose this also speaks volumes of my personal state of mind, since I dabbled in it I have to use the same measure on myself as I do on others.  I am ploughing through each day with just a little more bravery and a little more intention than before.

J

Just come back.

I forget about who God is many times when I look around me and there is trouble.  It isn't until I am so distraught by circumstances and so overwhelmed by my worries and fears that find I only have hope in One.  (This usually begins with boredom or some kind of idea rooted in my selfish ambitions of wanting recognition and admiration- it never appears dangerous at first, always a gradual turning) Yet there He was even before I saw trouble, He was there in the midst of it, from the moment I looked away He was there calling me back through His Word, and thankfully remains there in my acknowledgment of His presence.  However, I am the one who turns around and frantically starts trying to build my life with my own means, using whatever I find, and making low quality shelters that only sometimes appear stable from the outside.  What is more important, the outward appearance or the actual condition of what is there.  If something is broken, no matter how "put together" it may look, it is broken and no longer useful til it is fixed.  I may look at the clock and think, "what a well crafted, impeccable clock", but if the clock is stopped or is displaying an incorrect time, then it no longer serves the purpose for which it was crafted, beautiful as it may be.  It takes on the form of "decoration", but loses its purpose.  This is exactly how I see myself when I turn from God to other things.  I begin to lose the very thing for which I was created (namely to glorify my Maker), and I revel in the admiration of others.  I become a decoration, whether beautiful or unique, I am just an inanimate object no longer serving my purpose.  Soon enough my soul begins to turn within me, and I become dissatisfied with things.  Why is admiration from others not enough?  Didn't I want that?  And didn't I receive it?  As with all inanimate objects, in time they become dusty and neglected, because the admiration they receive comes from fickle human beings who, themselves, were also made to enjoy objects as blessings but never as an eternal treasure.  Perhaps they merely lose interest, is that abnormal?  Not in slightest.  Yet I crave it, the interest of others upon me.  I crave their attention and their respect, their admiration and even their passion!  I want it, and as I do I turn from pointing to God to pointing to myself.  I become so proud when I do receive such notice, as if in those moments I am invincible.  I am a well crafted clock with a few excited eyes on me...as I tick backwards and ignore the fact that I am broken.  I focus all my attention on their attention, and it is easy to feel good because outwardly all appears to be going well.  Then, a few eyes turn away, and I begin to look inward at the meaninglessness of my function.  I serve a purpose that is less than what I was made for.  I feel within me the backward ticking, and I somehow long to be made right again.  To display time correctly as is my purpose.  But in that moment I realize that if I turn from them to God I will possibly lose that feeling of their admiration.  All at once I desire to have both; my glory and to be fixed.  So then I find that I am a broken clock, ticking backwards, wanting to be fixed.  All I want is to be fixed, and I will do or say or feel whatever necessary to get what I want.  Inwardly I know I am broken, and a part of me longs to be more than a decoration, especially as admiration from others fades.  So I turn to my maker and ask Him to fix me, and when I don't get what I want I beg and I plead and sometimes He fixes me.  Out of sheer love He makes me as who I should be again, a clock that works, and things go smoothly.  I become satisfied again.  

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me." (Hosea 13:6 NIV)

Sometimes getting what we want from God makes us proud and forgetful.  Better to be starved and near to Him who feeds us than to be full and far from Him who can feed us when we get hungry again (and we always get hungry again).  Of course He will not starve His children in His presence, but it is when we leave His presence that we cut ourselves off from supply.  What is real bread then?  It is the Word of God.  

Without it I am only temporarily satisfied.

Then I forget.  I forget how fleeting the love of others is, and how dissatisfying it is to serve a lower purpose.  I forget about God, and I focus on myself.  Look at me, I work and I'm impeccable, it feels so satisfying.  I shimmer and shine, until I don't.  Then what?  When all my heart is set on what will fade then when it fades (and it always does), then I fade along with it like a vulnerable vegetable trying to keep fresh as the weeks go by.  

I went from being a clock to a vegetable, but stay with me.  The point is, I am not very self-sustainable.  I either break down (as a clock often does in time-pun intended) or I begin to wither with the consequences of age.  On my own, I can become nothing more than a decoration.  I need something, I sense the deep truth in that, I definitely need something.  

I search and the only solution is found in God, because He supersedes time and mortality.  He creates more than just decorates.  When all that He makes is around Him, giving Him all glory, it is heavenly.  There is celebrating and singing, joy and peace, because the Maker can make things beautiful but He can also make things work.  He can fix and heal, and He loves when what He creates is shining around Him.  Doesn't it make sense to worship God?  To love Him and to live to be in His presence, serving Him?  

So I hear His voice in my pride, in my selfish ambitions that lead to dissatisfaction.  When all is as I want it to be, I forget God, but He has His ways, His gracious and merciful ways, that remind me once again that I am His and I was made to give Him glory.  Oftentimes His ways feel cruel, as if He is withholding good things from me, and I think if He would only give me what I need then all will be well, I will be happy.  I forget that when I am satisfied in just working again (as a clock or being fresh again as a vegetable, haha), I easily forget who I am and who God is.  My joy is rooted in my self, being looked at and admired rather than being in God.  Who can save me from myself, the self that eventually will fade away, break and die?

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this dying body?"  (Romans 7:24)

Only Jesus, who made a way back to God for me, and all that is required is to decide and go back.  

 There is no other lasting, superseding joy than that which comes from a lasting and superseding God.  

Come back to Him, He is waiting.  Just come back.

"But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always." (Hosea 12:6 NIV)

There is no fine print. 

Only the begging question: when will I finally get it?

And the reality that it is a decision. 

"Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision! For the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision." (Joel 3:14 NIV)

Sitting in joy

I didn't read the Word of God, which is Jeaus in the breath, all this week.  It was like having a guest in my house who I kept passing by, ignoring, and just nodding politely as I went about eating my meals, going on Instagram, and cleaning here and there.  How would I feel if I was invited over to a friend's house only to be completely neglected?  I would be pretty sad and eager to speak. 

I noticed that when I was most confused and feeling dejected I was not doing what I needed to do.  I became like Martha, madly trying to "get things done" rather than just sit at the feet of Jesus (His Word/the bible) and listen.  

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42 ESV)

In a world where independence and effort rule our outcomes in surviving, it is a difficult shift when we lay down our busyness just to listen to God (especially when things look like they need to get done).  Usually, if you're like me, this only happens after you realize how overwhelming and aggravating control becomes, or the reality of the lack of it.  Perhaps it is because we have those moments of serenity and smooth sailing, we made good money, we met a great person and fell in love, we got a good job, etc, but then what?  Can we continue self stimulating our elatation?  No, because most of our physiology is out of our hands, we have no control over the capillaries or the nerves or even our very breath (think when you're sleeping).  So when we sit at the feet of Jesus, whether we are tired or full of satisfaction from a good thing, we can surpass feelings that will fade and hold on to the joy that He is the reason for why we can rejoice forever!  The good things, they're great, but Gods good promise is forever!  

So when things get out of control, or when things are very much in good order, sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to Him.  Rejoice always, again I'll say rejoice! 

J

Swamp monsters, emerge!

I'm so distracted.
I feel like a swamp monster covered in viscous muck, trying to emerge from the filth only to realize that if I emerge I will uncover how dirty I am.
Is there some place I can wash?
Does that place cost money?
Do I have money?
Surely there's a free place, even if I just jump into the ocean.
But people at the beach will stare at me with disdain.
They'll think I'm crazy, in the bad hobo way.
What if I see someone I know?
(...I slink back down in the filth convinced that staying here is probably better than leaving)
Then it occurs to me that being a swamp monster is disgusting.
So much so that it is better to be humiliated for a time of cleansing than to remain filthy.

I was overwhelmed by life decisions today.  The BIG ones:
1.  My Career
2.  A Husband
3.  Owning a House
4.  Graduate School (a fear of Student loans)
5.  Money

All of which I don't have at the moment, thus making me feel overwhelmed, feelings that lead to more feelings that lead to the filthy swamp.  Ok so here's the bottom line:  I am not perfect, and I know that having all of the above is not going to make me content, however, as a servant of God and Daughter who has the capacity to delight God, I am convinced that I need to work hard for my own good.  I need to work towards doing what delights God, whether through a job, school, or in a relationship.  Emphasis on "TO WORK TOWARDS" which in no way can be replaced by strong feelings or desires to "TO WORK TOWARDS".  It is an action not an emotion.  I can want it all day long, I can think of how to get it, how to make God happy, how to do anything, but if I don't actually take any steps (ie: attending a class, showing up to meetings, getting a temporary entry level job, going to the gym, etc) then I'll end up overwhelmed and apathetic.  Emerging from the swamp is humiliating and oftentimes a tough start.  (The swamp being a state of ennui)  All your feelings want is to slink back and let the mud cake over everything because the more you don't move the harder it becomes.  However, we all make a choice, and for me I don't want to stay in the swamp.  I mean, the metaphor is a bit dramatic and an exaggeration (or maybe it isn't), but perhaps you feel the same way about your circumstances right now.  You just feel overwhelmed by what other people have in life at their young age!  Or you feel jaded by the routine of work.  Whatever it is, I know that everyday was meant for us to rejoice!  To rejoice always, and again, rejoice.

Well, since I'm not really rejoicing at the moment, I am finding my way back to thankfulness while at the same time facing the reality of my lack of discipline.

Bottom line #2:  What do I do now?

...
it feels a like I don't know, but if I set feelings in a bag and fling them in the trash and watch as the garbage man takes them away, far, far away, I can focus more on reality.  I'm sure I'll grow new feelings right away, in fact, I'm feeling them again already, so I'll learn to utilize them when necessary and ignore them when I have to.  It's a gory battle, spirit and flesh, and all the more reason for why I need God who is all-powerful to help me with that powerfulness because I'm pretty weak.

Bottom line #3:  Does it make sense to have 3 bottom lines? No.

God knows that I am desperate and that I recognize my intense need of His help.  He knows I get easily distracted and caught up in comparing my life with others.  He knows I fear failing, dying, disappointing, or just getting it wrong.  He sees the struggle in my mind, and every thought that is a lie in me.  He knows how it frustrates me when I can't seem to hear Him say what I want Him to say, and He probably thinks that's funny.  It is funny, but only in retrospect.  In the moment it's not funny, it's just heavy like raining mud clumps and wind that blows in every direction at once.  He knows how I feel, and how pitiful feelings are blinders to hope.  He knows all of this because He's God, and God knows everything, He sees everything.

This isn't the first time I've FELT: (note: these are fickle feelings)
so inadequate
so confused
so hopeless
so ungifted
so weak
so lazy
so unambitious
so unimaginative
so worthless
so dumb
so disappointing
so unlovable
so incompetent
so beastly

~Looking at all the above feelings I see a trend.  I see one word that sums it all up: 

 Self-condemnation 

Romans 8:1- "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (ESV)

So I know those are lies, but something else I realize is that I have taken myself out of being in Christ Jesus.  Why would I do that?  Or how does that happen?

It's very simple, but hard to swallow.  

I did it because I felt like it, and it happened because I did what I felt like doing. 

So it's a matter of stepping back into Christ, doing what is right rather than what I feel like.

Yuck, that doesn't sound fun or easy at all.  In fact it sounds difficult and very tedious and probably extremely uncomfortable (which is why I frequently find myself outside of Christ)....just like the swamp monster who thought of what could and probably would happen if it emerged out and into the public.  In the same way, I recognize that I need to do this even if it's hard for me.  I need to be diligent and be okay with meager beginnings and practice consistency even when (or especially when) I don't feel like it.  And all the more I am struck by that deep and wide revelation of how I need Jesus to help me through it all.

On closer examination, I am really hurting, and I need healing.

"if my people (like me), who are called by my name, will humble themselves (be ok with being seen as swampy) and pray and seek my face (diligently) and turn from their wicked ways (by killing those fickle feelings that are lies rather than God's words), then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land (our hearts)." -2 Chronicles 7:14

He will heal my hurting, but there is a condition.  

It says "IF":

If I humble myself

if I pray

if I seek His face

if I turn from my wicked ways

then God will hear me, He will forgive me and He will heal me.

Easier said than done, right?  Especially the last one, "turn from my wicked ways".  

But thankfully God isn't saying to do all of those on our own either.  When we do the first step and humble ourselves we can take a knee.  When we take a knee to pray that's where we talk to God and bring our requests to Him, meaning we can also request His help in getting to the third and fourth step.  We literally ask Him to help us seek Him and to turn from our habitual and instinctive wicked ways.  If He helps us then we can do all things, again, since that is the definition of God as All-Powerful.  There is nothing He cannot overcome, not even our incompetence.  He uses the weak to display His strength.  It's all a matter of taking action and emerging to face humility.  Then to pray.

Then we seek Him, despite our circumstances or where we are at in life.  Seeking Him means doing whatever we have to in order to see and know Him more.  Obeying Him, and being consistent.  He says to be a good steward of your money, to give to the poor, to consider others better than yourself, to love one another, and to work as if working for the Lord in anything you do.  

The healing happens therein the obedience.  But obedience is intentional not emotional.  We can only proceed to emerge from the swamp if we are ready to humble ourselves.  Once we do that we can pray and enlist His help to carry on in seeking Him.  We search for Him in the Word and practice obedience, and then when we feel like it's too hard, we have to remember the goal is healing.  We have to remember where we emerged from, and how in just a little while longer our intentional obedience will lead to turning from our old ways (that led to the swamp), and He promises that if we do so, He will hear us, forgive us, and heal us.

I may be getting redundant here, but it's a good reminder to continually refresh in my mind.  

Keep your eyes on Jesus when you step out onto the water, if you fall His grace will catch you, but press on and get up.  Remember the goal, and cast aside those feelings!

Oh and don't forget to pray and ask God for His help right now and continuously, because we cannot do this on our own.  We all need Jesus.

-J

Love vs Boredom

I'll reveal to you something very vulnerable and embarrassing, but all at once very familiar and normal.  Yesterday I was so bored and lazy.  Two very terrible feelings to let loose, and I suggest when they begin to creep up then shove them back down and do something, anything to prevent those beasts from mauling your day (as they did mine, leaving me feeling quite ...well, mauled).

For example, know when boredom is most likely to strike (not having plans, not having anything particularly interesting to do), and be prepared to meet Lazy, Boredom's best friend.  So then, if you know what will lead to boredom, make prior arrangements to at least have a few (more than one or two) chances of escaping it's terror on your day.  If you're like me, and you have found most things have easily lost their wonder (sadly, though the wonder always returns sporadically), then do something nice for someone you love.  Something that has a nice "wow" factor.  Go way, way out of your way to give love to someone, and remember that this is oddly a gift to yourself as well.  You want to escape being mauled by boredom, and the best way to counteract boredom is to do something highly productive.  A sure way of producing a good result is in giving love to someone.  Of course you can love yourself by going shopping or sleeping in or doing something/anything for yourself, but you run the risk of disappointment, I'm speaking from personal results.  It's always a gamble when I do something for myself, but it's almost always guaranteed that you'll get something really amazing when you go way out to give someone love that's completely for them (in other words you don't expect anything in return or do something where you know you will get something in return).  It must be a pure genuine love-gift.  Still don't know what to do?  Then the old golden adage says to think of something that would really move you to a deep appreciation if someone else did that for you, and maybe do that (considering the circumstance and appropriate parameters).  At a glance it looks strangely unrewarding or disadvantageous, but that is the beauty of unlocking it's power.  All your feelings may go against it, but all the knowledge and truth in the world will tell you otherwise.

Kill boredom with love.

Love seems to be the root that brings up sweet aromas of progression.

--

If you'd rather be bored and lazy, by all means...it's an easy slippery downward digression.

However, if you find a way to remain neither progressive or digressive, let's call it stagnant or placid, undisturbed, then if that's also more preferable to you than progressive, by all means, stay as you were.

Although, let me add that resting and relaxing is very good too, and can be progressive.  It's all about each individual's own personal understanding of his or her place on the grid.

Point being: progress, and in doing so always rejoice!  God desires us to rejoice always.  Living lives of upwardness help us to rejoice.  It makes sense, but your feelings will betray you.

Regardless of what you do, His grace is there to catch you.  Jesus loves you.

When to pray

I am looking at my life as a progressive and digressing set of good and bad decisions.  

Every moment I make choices: I decide to shower or wear a hat, to have cereal or a green smoothie, to get up early or sleep in til the very last minute, to take the trash out or keep adding to it, to check my email and Instagram or take a moment to talk to God in prayer, to call a friend or text them or not contact them all, and so on.  

Some decisions are very black and white in terms of good or bad, but most decisions look less defined, however at the root of every decision there is an end.  In other words all of our decisions (call a friend or not, take a walk or watch glee) will eventually lead to the path we expect them to even if we hoped they wouldn't.  I mean it makes sense.  Our choices lead us to our chosen destinations.  This fact was overwhelming to me at first, so an easier and practical way I have found  to implement good decisions is to look at what I do right now as a good or bad decision.  I may not always be clear between the two (like if I should blow dry my hair or air dry it), or worse, I may see a bad decision and take it, but with prayer and a renewed desire to make good decisions that will lead to my desires destination rather than destruction, I am going to look at right now as a good decision or a bad decision.  

I don't know if it's my hormones and emotions, those tricky devils, but even after all that I have experienced in Nashville, Cambodia, Russia, and home, I still catch myself doubting God.  I see the same idiocy in me as I did in the Israelites in the Old Testament.  I catch myself thinking: "is God really there, or am I banking my hopes on something that doesn't even exist, just going along to find solace in my never ending searching soul?"  Then the question begs, "why is my soul always searching?". Even the term "searching" could be an emotional state.  Emotions are fickle, I know that I cannot fully trust my emotions because when I do they get me into trouble most of the time, but emotions are good too.  They help move me to do good things sometimes.  So I suppose it would be good ask: "are these tears going to help me make a good decision or a bad one?" And then to expose the emotions for what they are, feelings that change and recur all the time depending on what I see, eat, smell, hear, and touch.  But I am not my emotions, because if I were I would be completely unstable.  I have to find the Rock that I stand on no matter what happens and cling to it.  My Rock is God even when my emotions feel like He is not there.  Although those are the most scary moments, to be tossed in a storm of theology and faith, doubting the very thing that I cling to in order to keep from flying away.  Thoughts like "perhaps if I let go of the Rock there will be something else more better or more stable that I will find?", but I have let go before, many times in fact, but memory tries to betray me and trick me into thinking I haven't.  My own mind can be against my love for God when it makes me forget that I have crawled back to the Rock so many times, I crawled back in Nashville, in Cambodia, at home, and pretty much everyday.  I have yet to find a more real and more consistent, a more grace giving, unconditionally loving and adventure taking Rock like my God.  

Even so, I still weakly ask that God would show me more of Himself, that God would help me not focus on the waves or the impossibility of my feet on top of the waters as I look to Him through a storm.  

The struggles and frustrations of believing in an invisible God are what drive my faith into trusting God more.  

I could be wrong, I could be all wrong about God and about life, but I'm not letting go of the only thing in my life that I have found to be fulfilling and meaningful, despite it's struggles and frustrations.  So far nothing else compares...so if I find a comparable love, a comparable joy, a comparable grace, then I'll switch over, but if not I'll not stop getting to know God. 

God is not far away, nor is He just "up there" doing His god thing.  God is relational and loves talking to us.  I know He speaks to me because when I stop worrying or comparing my life to pictures on Instagram or biographies I read, when I stop all of that and just hold still, then I hear the the whisper like wind coo to me that all is ok.  Because none of this even fulfills me, no amount of gain has ever satiated my selfish ambition and appetite.  So it's in logic and truth that my God speaks to me, and I just need to listen.  

Especially in the chaos of my thoughts, I need to hear Him.

And so I pray.  

a grey-haired epiphany

Some things you just learn from getting older.  Cheers to years.  (easier said than felt, I know, so let it sink in somehow, think about what makes life genuinely rich)
--

Sometimes I say things that don't really make sense, but in the moment I get a little carried away by my desire to sound poetic or the delusion that I am inevitably a poet.  When in fact, the best poetry flows from the inward honesty that says exactly what is happening, and the realness of the description are what make it vividly come to life from words on a page to revelations in the heart.  So grace upon grace, I need grace even in those "blips" where I betray what I know with what I want in a subtle tyrannical publication.  When you read something of mine and you don't know what I'm talking about, it could very well be that you are more correct in your confusion than my writing is in it's ubiquity.  Case in point.  Ubiquity makes no sense in that sentence, but for some reason that was the first word that came to mind and that I wanted to use.  Well, I suppose it's not entirely incorrect in it's usage, but it does not tell what I was initially trying to convey, a better word would have been verity.  I'm a human being who clings tightly to many things, but I am learning to let go for the real thing.  In doing so I find the process hilariously revealing.

--

On my desire to know more about the Holy Spirit I came across a helpful excerpt from Terry Virgo's book "God's Lavish Grace" (where I gleaned much of my new understanding of grace, and which catapulted me now to know more about the Holy Spirit).

He writes:

       "Practical holiness in reality depends on your constantly making good choices.  The choices you make every moment of every day reveal the kind of person you have become and increasingly shape the person you are going to be.  

       Your character is developed one choice at a time, as you face the diverse circumstances that come your way. (What a marvelous sentence--proven by mere common sense and logic, the kind you should read over and over until it confronts you in your face.)

       As a follower of Jesus, your choices are not to be base on pragmatism or expediency, but on pleasing the Lord.  Right choices will come from inner convictions based on God's word, enlightened by the Holy Spirit and always motivated by grace rather than guilt.  Gradually, winning habits are formed in your life and character.  Practical choices around the house, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in front of the television, in the workplace, at college, in relationships, in styles of speech, in the giving of forgiveness and mercy, begin to shape your life." (From the DIY chapter)

Now just because Terry Virgo put these words so eloquently, don't rush to gulp it all down, but take considerable time and an intentional mind to then read the Word of God to find out for yourself if this really is what God wants.  Does God really want our choices to be based on solely pleasing Him or are we to make decisions to make our lives more successful?  What does it mean to make choices enlightened by the Holy Spirit?  What is practical holiness as lived out in the Word of God through the disciples?  These are the kind of questions that will solidify your faith and trust in God, so ask and seek out the answers from God.

So when I asked where the Holy Spirit's power begins and where my efforts (which also seemed to interlace with obedience) end, I think the Lord is gently reminding me that I have to choose every response, as one chooses an outfit from the closet.  It's not that I am making an effort to choose the right decision, but that I am fully aware that there is a decision so I am indeed free to choose one over another, despite a consistency in bad choices.  A bad decision is usually catalyzed by a bad circumstance, and so the more of the Lord I see, the less dire circumstances appear.  Now it comes around full circle, I look upon Jesus as my gracious Redeemer, and in doing so His Holy Spirit counsels me in the truth of wise decisions.  As I walk more in the Spirit's guidance, then it is with my intention that I progress to hear and do what the Spirit convicts me of.  I am being intentional, and not emotional.  I am choosing to make better choices, not trying to be transformed by my efforts to choose.  It is in the actual lived out choice that I enter into God's transforming power.  Ok, maybe I'm losing some of you in explaining this choice process so let me break it down more simply:

Let's say I have a meeting with a friend who is facing a difficult time at work.  She has a terrible boss who mistreats her with condescending remarks and an unreasonable amount of work with a terribly low salary.  She calls me on the phone saying how she hates her boss, how she hopes he goes bankrupt or that he somehow is forced to leave the company.  She explains how her life is just a mess because of this toxic environment, and that there is nothing she can do to change it.  It is in this moment where I must press into the Spirit for guidance on how to help lead my friend in the right direction.  So then I pray to myself, asking God to help me, does He want me to just listen?  Does He want me to rebuke in a gentle and loving way?  Is my motivation for helping her even out of pure and genuine love or do I get a sense of self admiration/accomplishment for giving out advice?  When I sense that I do love her, and when I don't want to see or hear that she is backed up in a corner when there is certainly a way out, then I speak.  I start to tell her how God is aware of her situation, and that perhaps through this seemingly hopeless circumstance He wants to use it for her to trust in Him by laying down her rights to having any say.  That perhaps this is a training in serving others, in responding with that amazing kind of grace to others.  In other words, to treat her boss with what he does not deserve.  To serve her boss diligently and pray for him, and then to press into Christ for all the moments of pain in taking a beating to her reputation, her pride, her comfort, all and any of those things that cushion us in life.  To give up trying to control things, and step out in faith toward God who is shown most explicitly when circumstances look awful.  Then she huffs on the phone and starts angrily saying words like:  "why can't you just listen to me for once?"  or "why do you always try to give me advice?"  or "you don't know what it's like!"  All of which I feel guilty of, and in that moment I have another choice.  I can apologize and retract my words (for what I truly thought was said out of a deep love), or I can gently say again that I stand by my words and I am praying for her regardless of how she takes them.  Which is more loving?  To appease her and let her wallow in self pity or to offer a way out even if the way out is quite a difficult climb?  The latter, of course, but in choosing the latter I must be ready to then continue on with her in the climb.  I have now entered her circumstance.  By choice.  Now, if I had chosen the former, that would be much more comfortable for me.  Not only do I not have to enter her circumstance, but on the outside we can remain cordial friends without my reputation being attacked.  Choosing to withhold truth from my friend is a sin of omission, and just as sinful as murder.  I am allowing her to stay outside the arms of Christ, letting her remain in the enemy's hands by such a choice of mine.  (Although sometimes we are led not to enter into people's bad circumstances, so it all depends on what you are personally hearing from God, it's not that we can do anything anyway, so only if God says to do something will that choice be made fruitful.  There is no law, there is only obedience and tons of grace.)

So the above example shows the perspective from one person's choices, but you can jump into the other person's shoes as well and see the choices available to them and how it is not always (or more accurately it is usually NEVER) easy to make the choice that leads towards God's presence.  He is so contrary to the world and His ways and thoughts are utterly different.  So it is in this "leap of faith", this trust in the invisible God, that we begin to walk by the Spirit and not by our selves.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
(Isaiah 55:8,9)

--

And truth to be told, I still make very bad choices.  I see the warning blinking ahead, and the more I ignore it the less I see it.  So for me, personally, I dive head first back into the pool of God's overflowing ocean of grace.  The grace that takes my corrupt intentions of disobedience to the Spirit and gets rid of it.  I wade in the waters of grace, floating with my arms out looking up at God's face without shame or guilt.  I often ponder the very craziness of this all, that I just get to jump into grace and have complete freedom and forgiveness simply by understanding that this is available to me if I choose it, and how could I refuse it?!  Wading and washing until every speck of grime is removed, and I am completely perfect.  Finding once again, this unfathomable love of God taking me in and changing my mind, wooing me to choose Him, to follow Him, and to devote every choice to pleasing Him...just because there is no greater love than that of His ocean of grace and arms of love in my grimiest state.

--

Now I've lost track of my thoughts for this post (which has been stretched over 8 days, meaning it has lost some of it's fluidity) so I'll stop and publish it here and now.

More on the Holy Spirit soon.

-J

A reminder who God is followed by a question.

Let me not float away from the winds my feet have been carried on these past few months...

Walking through the almost impeccable streets of California on an early 6:27am morning, I am flabbergasted by the calm I hear.  The very scent of pine and chill winds bring a kind of carefree coating to my bones.  It's beautiful here, but alarming to know that just a week ago I was suffering in a terrible sweaty heat with a mind to never take for granted the very basic blessings such as a cool breeze.  Yet here I am, and gratefulness is not what I feel, rather I feel calm and "just right" as if this was something I had orchestrated (or expected) to fit my preferences rather than a blessing to behold in all it's magnificent and wondrous glory!  That God above would so graciously give me a breeze, while my friends in Cambodia are in the sweltering heat of hot season.  I might think this was natural because they're in Southeast Asia and I am in the states, but does a breath leave my lips without the mystery of repeating itself on close examination?  In other words, when I think about it, who causes the seasons to fluctuate and transition?  Who holds the skies in the hollow of the hand?  Who says to the rain, "pour down" and then to the wind "run fast!"  

I may be experiencing good weather but am I protected by a feeling of invincibility, that I will be just fine so long as I feel fine and comfortable? 

Can I control if my heart suddenly stops or something bursts in my brain or if a car skids and suddenly runs me over?  I don't want to find solidarity in any of the blessings God gives me; I want to be thankful for them and enjoy them, but they must never take precedence over my love for God.  To love God even if i had none of this, to love God more than I love anything else so that in that I can freely be content in whatever environment or situation I find myself in.   So long as I am with God, in His presence, there will I find true solidarity and joy.

It is alarming that I can easily forget this crucial truth, so it's now my prayer that I be reminded everyday of it.  To protect my joy and my faith, which lead me into a real relationship with God.

--

(A few days later...)

The scent of my neighborhood is "Safety" and I find it strangely unsettling.  As if it's a strong perfume used to cover the reality of poop.  Comfort is deceptive, a reality I learned from Cambodia.  I wanted to be happy, I always want to be happy, and now I have discovered a joy that transcends the temporary reliefs that I have often sought after.  Yet it is not that I should demonize mere comfort or the scent of pine and jasmine outside my door, because I can enjoy them thoroughly when taken in as gifts given to me out of the great love and seemingly greater grace of God, but when I expect or desire them as rights of mine that I must have in order to be happy, then I immediately lose the foundation of everlasting joy.  So, grateful that I am for the lovely aroma on my walk outside, I remain more impressed by the overwhelming goodness that God would also take it away from me at times to reveal it's inevitable expiration date.  So that the root of my joy is not in the blessing, but in the God who gives them. 

--

So now as a believer of God, I find myself looking at the path before me.  Taking conscious steps forward in the direction of knowing Him more and peeling off those things that have weighed me down on my race toward being useful for His kingdom.  As I take these basic beginning steps of what is surely a genuine progression to a real goal (and not just some abstract idea that maybe this is the way or maybe not), I am discovering more questions.  More and more I have to ask God because the more intentional I get the more explicit my seeking becomes and that leads to all kinds of questions!

So the past few months I have been swimming in magnificent grace, the freedom of knowing I am perfect in Gods eyes because Jesus purposed for me to have no more sin through His death.  So though sin is still vigorously alive in and around my life, the blood of Jesus takes precedence over all of that and by His grace I get to walk into a sinless identity through Christ.  Basically, as I have written before it is a changing room.  Christ places new sinless clothes upon myself the moment I walk to Him (in my sin) and I come out clean...no charge, no cost, no nothing, just absolutely free and undeserved grace.

Today and lately I am learning about the Holy Spirit.  When I read the bible it talks a lot about how we are given God's Holy Spirit in us to walk in righteousness, not by our efforts to "be good" or "be changed" but solely because God's Spirit is in us, and His Spirit has power.  That power is what enables us to change.  His Holy Spirit is the agent that strips us of our old ways of doing and thinking things and creates in us a new heart, new thoughts and a new lived out life ...all of which produce those lovely benefits in Galatians 5 (love! Joy! Peace! Patience! Kindness! Goodness! Gentleness! Self-control!)

So the question is...how do we get the Holy Spirit?  Do we just ask?  And if we do ask, must we be sincere or is desperation with reluctance acceptable too?  How do we know if we are sincere?  Are we not always wanting to have all that the power of the Spirit will give, but also to hold onto the sin in our lives that give us our tangible spurts of pleasure?  

When asking for the Holy Spirit what do we need to do in order to "turn on" the overflow of His power in our lives?  

How do I become "filled with the Spirit"? (Ephesians 5:18)

According to the bible here is what you begin doing when filled with the Holy Spirit:

"addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 (Ephesians 5:19-21 ESV)

But that still doesn't quite answer my question.  So I'm digging more until I become satisfied with an answer.

So as Paul is writing to the churches and giving them instructions for how to walk in the Spirit, I wonder then, since the Holy Spirit is what transforms us yet we still have to make our own decisions to walk in the Spirit, how then does the Spirit transform us if we are still the ones making decisions?  Obedience?  I don't know, but to me that sounds awfully like making a strong effort (to obey), but isn't it true that we need the Spirit to help us make those decisions? So when does the power of the Holy Spirit start working and when do we make a decision?  Which comes first? 

More on that in my next post as I go digging into the bible and conversing with God in prayer.  

I anticipate my findings, because I am only a glob of countless questions, so answers are how I know The Lord speaks to me.  

Inquisitively,

J

Unbelief is like sand.

Is healing for me?  Can I really be set free from my addictions and my bad habits for good and not just "for the most part"?  Every single one of them?  

Does God want to heal me?  Can I be healed today if I just believed in faith that God wanted to heal me?  I think so.  Do I believe He wants to heal me?  I mean, why wouldn't He? Am I not good enough?  I'm not, but then again I never will be.  So then, will God heal a sick sad sinner?  I suppose that might mean it was a gift if He did.  A gift just given and not earned.  Is all healing a gift?  And if so, doesn't that mean we cannot expect it but just be thankful if and when it happens!..unless we expect gifts from God as our Father as we do our loving parents?  I certainly do!  Whenever my parents go on trips, I always expect that they will bring me back something, some gift, and they almost always do.  So then do I expect God to give me gifts?  Or more specifically, can i expect that God wants to heal me as His gift (among many other different gifts)?  Can we ask for gifts?  

"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

 (Luke 11:9, 10, 13 ESV)

So I'm going to ask God right now if I can have the Holy Spirit, just in case I don't have Him already.  Because I want to be sure, and (because I'm not entirely sure, to be honest--sometimes I am and other times I wonder or question it) I want to know that I did everything I could, biblically, to receive Him, so that I can't say that I never even tried, or that I never sincerely asked.  Now, right now, I am so sure that I want the Holy Spirit, and I have a bit of faith that His Word in Luke 11 is truth.  If I ask then my Father will give me The Holy Spirit.  And by His Spirit I can be transformed, I can experience healing and utter transformation of my bad habits and selfish thinking.  By the Holy Spirit I can be compassionate and understand more vividly how God feels about those who need healing. If I have compassion and a link to His heart then I pray more, and if I pray fervently then I come into communion with a God which leads me more into His presence, His power, His love, and the hope of glory in eternity with Him.  When I set my eyes on things that cannot ever die, then I'm no longer looking at the things that do.  And in the shift my faith grows, the faith that brings healing. 

"And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”

-Mark 5:34

A faith that comes from believing in God. Belief, which for me, is helped by knowing just who God is, exactly.  I ask questions such as: does God want to heal me, and why/how?  I don't want to ever just assume, because that's like building a house of sand, there's no firm understanding to withstand when the storms of confusion come.  But the more that I know that I know that I know then the more solid my foundation becomes, and the less confused I get.  The more steadfast my foundation is the more I can be confident that I won't fall apart like so many times before.  I need a firm foundation.  So I keep asking questions.  The more I know God, the more my faith solidifies.  I want faith to be healed, then to move mountains!  I want that so badly for obvious reasons.  

I used to question if I even wanted that, to want actual healing, and to want to know God.  I didn't always want it, til after I experienced the cold dark place behind my sandy walls.  It was living with a looming fear of preeminent winds of destruction.  Things that brought me a momentary blip of ecstasy or euphoria seemed to always end in bitter mortality.  I could never hold on to those feelings.  They'd be gone and that was it.  Yet I kept rebuilding with those sandy things, they'd disintegrate, and out of laziness or the comfort of familiarity, I would find more sand to replace what had crumbled.  Things like relationships, recognition, good food, lots of money, trips abroad, stuff, and more stuff.  That's when I knew I needed a new house.  A house built on the Rock.  

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."

(Deuteronomy 32:4 NIV)

In faith and desperation,

-J

Believe in God

I just woke up and was convicted of something.

Like some of the kings in 1 and 2 kings, they did what was right in the eyes of The Lord (most did evil, but some actually are recorded as doing what was right) but they kept the places where people burned incense to idols.  

"The Israelites secretly did things against the Lord their God that were not right. From watchtower to fortified city they built themselves high places in all their towns. They set up sacred stones and Asherah poles on every high hill and under every spreading tree."

(2 Kings 17:9, 10 NIV)

They didn't tear down the high places, and so did not have a heart for God like David did.  They just got by.  Even though they did what was right in the eyes of The Lord they were missing the greater glory!  

"Destroy completely all the places on the high mountains, on the hills and under every spreading tree, where the nations you are dispossessing worship their gods. Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and burn their Asherah poles in the fire; cut down the idols of their gods and wipe out their names from those places."

(Deuteronomy 12:2, 3 NIV)

Sometimes we settle for the bare minimum, but God wants us to want the greater victory in our lives!  I know for myself there were and still are many times when I feel hopeless to change or discouraged by my inability to carry out being "good" or "Christ-like" and I immediately slump down in defeat, self-criticism, and sleep.  I let that just be that, a hopeless cause...and I do not raise my desire to see Gods fullness and awesome life changing glory in my life!  I cower in my own strength rather than call upon the God of the universe who created heaven and earth itself!  

"My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I summon them, they all stand up together."

(Isaiah 48:13 NIV)

I need to want Him to be my God not just my friend, lest I miss out on His awesome power!  Yes, His love is amazing, His justice is perfect, but His power is also omnipotent, meaning it is all-powerful, all, meaning leaving nothing out.  God can do all things, so why settle for anything less than that which matches His nature!  For His character has already been shown to lavish love on us, abundant grace and new mercies every morning.  But have you understood His nature?  Who He is by definition, and what that means in your life?  Believe that He is All-Powerful and do not let anything get in the way of seeing His power in your life.  Want it desperately!  See it change the habitual sins, your personality, your relationships, brought into the glorious light!  Do not underestimate His power lest you miss out on the astounding transformation you once thought unthinkable.   He uses the wisdom of the world (what we think is possible or impossible) to put them to shame!  For He is God.

"Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know. But whoever loves God is known by God."

(1 Corinthians 8:2, 3 NIV)

"And he said, “Open the window eastward,” and he opened it. Then Elisha said, “Shoot,” and he shot. And he said, “The Lord ’s arrow of VICTORY, the arrow of victory over Syria! For you shall fight the Syrians in Aphek until you have made an end of them.” And he said, “Take the arrows,” and he took them. And he said to the king of Israel, “Strike the ground with them.” And he struck three times and stopped. Then the man of God was angry with him and said, “You should have struck five or six times; then you would have struck down Syria until you had made an end of it, but now you will strike down Syria only three times.” (2 Kings 13:17-19 ESV)

How much do you want the victory in your life? To conquer sin, conquer doubt, conquer apathy or fear?!  Then don't just do the sensible, but do the insensible, the acts of a desperate person who hears the instruction and takes it out to the next level.  Jesus said "let him who has ears hear"!  Hear Him.  Not with your physical ears, but open your ears that hear God rather than your own logic.  He speaks in power, not just love.  Speak the very words of God!  God who is All-powerful!

"If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."

-1 Peter 4:11

Believe with a desperate desire that God wants you to enter into His fullness because He loves you!  His power and His love are not meant to be given as separate graces!  No, but one catalyzes the other so that we might have the fullness of God.

"May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

-Ephesians 3:19

Ask desperately to experience His love if you haven't already or if you've forgotten it.  And if it is difficult to understand then good!  Because it is beyond our feeble minds to fully grasp such a great love!  We need only to want it, ask for it, seek Him for it, and pray that in His tremendous mercy He would give it to us!  And is there such a love that would give His only Son to die for us only to deny us that same love which crucified His Son?  I think not!  Do you believe God desires you?  Or do you find that you just don't understand?  Then cry out!

"...indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding."

(Proverbs 2:3-6, NIV)

When Jacob was left by himself before what was probably impending doom in His eyes (facing his brother of whom he stole pretty much everything from) a man came and wrestled with him til the morning!  And  Jacob wrestled back vigorously so as to not be defeated (this was a desperate man who believed in Gods promise and power and holiness:

"When the man saw that he could not overpower him (Jacob was probably yelling and slashing like crazy!), he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” 

(Genesis 32:25-28 NIV)

Will you fight like a desperate person who, against circumstances, will not let the fighting stop until you have overcome?  

That was my problem.  

But another astonishing thing is that Jacob states that he saw God face to face (Genesis 32:30), implying that it was God who came to him and wrestled with him.  To think, God would come and wrestle with Jacob, why?  I think it was to know that Jacob wanted the victory badly enough, desperately, both through his wrestle with God and with humans.  

Maybe God came to me or brought about a difficult trial and I just threw my hands up and became lame.  Thinking I was doing Him a favor by just weeping in my inability to do anything well in front of Him.  Weeping until I was so weak with sleep rather than wrestling with God in desperation to bless me!  I didn't believe His promise to me would stand after all my failures and sins, and that's why I could not walk in His fullness.  Now I want to become desperate like Jacob, to believe that His promise will come to fruition even when it looks hopeless.  To not let go in the night until I am blessed!

Man the bible is incredible, but it's the revelations from the Holy Spirit that bring the words to life! 

Jimmy needhan has a song called "clear the stage" the words came on the exact moment I finished writing this post and was so accurate!

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too

Until the congregations few, then have revival

Tell your friends that this is where the party ends

Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social

Then seek the lord & wait for what he has in store

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful

'cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

Take a break from all the plans that you have made

And sit at home alone and wait for god to whisper

Beg him please to open up his mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the one who deserves it

'cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to

I can sing all I want to

And still get it wrong

And you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song

Worship is more than a song

Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

---

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed. That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

(Ephesians 4:17-32 NIV)

Night and day

As thoughts rise like shadows in the dark

Against a fading light

Here in the night,

Unsteady in mind

Spiritually blind

Where does the light fade to?

Shadows roar but cannot snuff out,

the flicker is bright,

Though helplessly small to sight

A reminder that hope has yet to die

Beckons me to fight,

calls my heart to rest,

And stirs the words of prayer to best 

These looming shadows 

Unable to smother the light

No matter my fright

For even in blackest moment 

It still leads me to God's only sent.

Here in the night,

Here in the night.

--

That was last night.

--

This morning was refreshing.  I thoroughly enjoyed waking up and having half a watermelon, which I ate deliciously with a spoon like a bread bowl of clam chowder.  I never liked watermelons, but in Cambodia my taste buds shifted toward them because of the heat, and now I find them mouth watering!  Not to mention fun to eat right out of its half dome.  

Being back is oddly easy, but also displaced.  I was at an actual restaurant with my lovely and hilarious auntie last night, still wearing the exact pajamas I put on after getting off the plane (so perhaps I'm still not all put together here), and right away I felt like I entered the Capitol from district 12.  Everything was so glass walls and brass handle bars, pink hair and pale faces, crowded conversations and expensive plates of food.  I wanted to cry just from the sheer juxtaposition of my perspective and surrounding.  It was unsettling in a subtle way, and yet comfortably familiar.  Here is the first world, and back there was the third.  I don't know where I belong.  Obviously I love the ease, but inside I miss the daily appreciation.  I miss waking up to an outside morning, unfettered by billowy pillows and marshmallow blankets that make it difficult to get up.  The very thing that comforts me keeps me from other joys.  Yet, I know when I was in Cambodia the mornings were what comforted me from my lack of a good night's rest.  Sleeping in a bunk bed with bugs and cobwebs was never fun, so waking up to go outside was a grateful relief.  However, being back I'm robbed of that joy, replaced by a wonderful bed of which I am reminded is such a blessing.  

I know I left Cambodia early by choice because of many reasons, including the difficulty of coping with the heat and bugs, but being back home I strongly miss it.  I miss the community.  I miss riding my bike to the market or my favorite cafés.  I miss being an alien.  But I also love being able to wear the clothes that express my personality again.  No more drifit except when going to the gym, haha.  Now I'm just babbling.

I remember my letter to myself, I read it again.  

I have to keep reminding myself as I'm here, that I have important things to do that should not be forgotten.  Then I have to do them.

Darn this jetlag!  (Sleepy at 11am)

J