Apartment Hunting....wait, what?

THIS IS EXTREMELY UNEDITED so pardon the tangents and parts that don't make sense or leave you going: "wait, what?"

I'm not even going to re-read anything I write, I've got a waterfall of thoughts and they will just fall.

Cheap and Shady or Expensive and Safe?....or...........cheap, safe, but financially risky?

       Finding an apartment is strange.  It's literally ridiculous.  First you just want a safe and semi-nice place to be able to move all your stuff into and eat, sleep, poop and watch netflix in, seems simple enough.  You sort of picture this great hardwood studio, with a bathroom that doesn't look like someone missed the toilet, and the location is close to where you hang out (for me that would be near my church in Hilsboro Village and Green Hills because of Trader Joes, obviously) Then you have to consider finding a good roommate or mates.  Then you begin the process, and for some reason the stress levels rise, because we will allow that to happen whenever things don't get presented to us on a nice and neat platter. -_- Then when the mates are found you both (or all, however many people band together) stress over finding a place to eat, sleep, poop and watch netflix in as the time snips awfully close to your move out date.  After many failed attempts, blocked calls, and unanswered emails inquiring about these so-called "deals" on shady craigslist, you start to get desperate.  Now you just want anything, and you want it as soon as possible.  Or if you're like me, you begin to think that perhaps Nashville is booting you out, and God is calling you elsewhere.  I kept my mind open to the possibility of moving back west.  Of course a part of me thinks, well, going back will allow me to not pay rent for a while which would be nice, but eventually I'd move out and would have to pay rent, would have to find a job or apply to grad school, would have to search for mates, and the whole thing would follow me like a snickering cloud spewing rain and hail on my face, making my mascara run, my hair matted to my forehead, and I would just stand there....once again, finding that I need Jesus, that I cannot do anything on my own, because I'm weak, confused, easily distracted, and I write run on sentences.

       Going back home wouldn't be bad, it would just be comfortable, slightly boring, and way too familiar.  Those are all pretty much the same thing.  I hate and love how I hustle to pay for rent, gas, food, and copious amounts of vegan food and coffee.  (I'm not vegan, I just like to order vegan dishes because they taste good....try the curry dish at the Stone Fox...amaaaazing.)  Also, a huge factor in whether I move back west or stay in Nashville is my walk with the Lord.  Well, let me rephrase that to how it should be said: the ONLY factor is my walk with the Lord.  I have prayed to the best of my meek and feeble ability, to ask God what He wants me to do, we've had these blunt exchanges like:

me:  "Okay Lord, what do you want me to do?  Should I stay in Nashville or do you want me to go back?"

me audibly saying what I think God is saying (so it doesn't appear like I'm having strange unanswered conversations with the silent air in my room):  "It doesn't matter whether you stay or go, so long as you follow me."

me:  "Right.  Well, let me rephrase my question then.  Will I follow you better going back or staying here?"

audible me/maybe God: "You will follow Me best if you follow Me now."

me:  "-_-"
me:  "..."
me:  "but I'm so imperfect!!"
me:  "(sigh)"

Where are those tears when you want them?!  I hardly cry when I need the release, but if I'm trying to say something important or I'm wearing too much mascara then those ducts become a water slide and I can't get a word out.  I'm just a clown.

       Nashville is a great place to live.  There are so many cute coffee shops (with brunch!  Although I don't know why I put that bc I'm really not that excited about brunch, but I know a lot of folks are so it seemed appropriate to mention....but I had brunch at a place in East Nashville called : 308, and it was noteworthy), museums, parks, hiking and biking trails, cafes and restaurants, bars, churches, and other neat little gems like Jeni's ice cream or the Cheekwood Botanical gardens that hold various arrangements throughout the year including a light exhibit (the garden is lit up with lights in the shape of flowers and other artistic designs, it's pretty phenomenal...from what I hear, I haven't been yet.)

       Geez, am I breathing?  I promise I don't usually talk this much, I usually muse on the inside, constantly, incessantly...but I'm pretty tame from an external perspective.

       About the safe, cheap but financially risky business, (slides across the floor with ray bans, white dress shirt and underwear...... ugh -_-) it's really not that risky.  I'm just doing everything I can to stress myself out, because that seems to be a habit of mine.  I would be the one signing a year lease, while the other girls would likely only stay 6 months.  So, in a worst case scenario I could end up paying 600-1200/month for the remaining 6 months, .  It's not death, but it's risky biiiiiiiznaaaaas. haha. Yea.  I need to stop being ridiculous.  I have Jesus.  He's loaded.

------Thoughts on Dating (if you're reading this and we went on a date or two, this is not about you.  This is about me.  Wait, what?)

       Christian guys are difficult to find, it's like meeting a foreigner who speaks English without an accent (in the eyes of a very close-minded American)...they exist, but either they spent a lot of time studying in the states, or it just comes naturally to them, but they are not common.  There are a ton of "christian" guys here in Nashville, but saying you're christian and actually being one become very clear after a month or so, and I'm not the best example of a good christian, but I strive toward that...until I die.  And that's what I mean by a Christian guy.  Someone who is clearly broken, as all mankind is, but who strives toward allowing Jesus to heal him in every way.  That and someone who will want to talk about Jesus a lot....I love talking about Jesus, and I don't get to as often as I would like/need (because I'm scared or the atmosphere or people won't want to).  I'm not weird about it, although saying I'm not weird about it automatically makes me sound weird about it...so I'm gonna stop.

       I have noticed that in my past dating life, I'm more shallow and less focused, which always leads to a break up.  I'm always drawn by the handsome tall guy who makes witty remarks and can hold deep philosophical conversations.  I put their love for Christ in the closet to be "safe", when really that is the most important and determining factor for whether or not I will commit, and if they will commit to me, because my life is a constant race toward Jesus and bringing him all the glory of my life's efforts.  I'm non-committal.  I'm afraid of nothing, really.  Yet my non-committal personality is strong, and I despise that.  I know I will never meet the perfect person, and I am slowly coming to terms with my brokenness, and the brokenness of mankind.  I struggle with vanity, pride, greed, and selfishness (among other things).  So I know I will get annoyed with whoever I end up marrying, but as one pastor put it: It boils down to the fact that you will fight with whoever you marry, so are you willing to fight with this person for the rest of your life?

On my shallowness...

        I should get a tattoo that says:
"well, he's going to get fat and wrinkly (and so are you), but does he walk with Jesus?"

I told the Lord, when I first came to Nashville, that I would wait for a man after God's heart even if that meant waiting til I was 45 (cringe),  and it's not always easy, and things appear bleak, but if I follow the thread of my logic then it makes perfect sense.  If I married someone who wasn't in love with Jesus that would be hell on earth for me.  So my options are : rushing into hell on earth in my 20s or prayer and patience possibly into my 40s?  Of course ideally I'd still have the ability to bear children when I marry, come on, but we are talking extremes here.  My thoughts get hot or cold.  I leave the lukewarm stuff out with Obvious Oliver.

hmm, I wonder if I should be writing down and exposing this portion of my thoughts here.  I mean, I'd like to speak to all the ladies (or guys) out there who feel the same way and hopefully offer encouragement and hope, but I don't want any guys thinking this is my ad for a Christian man.

Time for work.

JmeGrey

Nightly thoughts.

      This month (June) has been hectic.  Or I'm just being dramatic.  I handled it, am handling it.  So maybe it was just the downhill part of the roller coaster (since that metaphor is usually used to define the ups and downs of life)....or was it the chugging upward part?  I'm not sure.
     
      Nashville is heating up so well that I almost cannot recall the bitter cold nights of rubbing my meager legs together underneath my blankets to generate some heat...and feeling sorely disappointed in the theory of friction.  The beginning stages of summer are pleasantly soothing for those past memories of feeling just so cold, but I know that soon enough the ratio of hot to cold will overcompensate and I will start pining for crisp cold air.  Oh, woe is me!  hehe.

       I have been learning at a steady constant rate who I am and how contrary my mind and heart can be.  One moment I feel swept and intoxicated by enthusiasm and joy, and the next moment I am emptied and feeling hopeless.  Such highs and lows are mostly due to my actions and reactions to circumstances, while other times they just ebb and flow regardless of events.  I may think that a life of comfort and smooth sailing would be ideal, but would that cost me compassion?  Joy?  Humbleness? Would I still be someone with an ounce of integrity if I never needed it?  I don't know, but it sure makes sense that without those moments of desperation and even pain, I would have no reason to love the people who would have comforted me, and very little motivation to be the best me.  So here I am, in a moment of quiet desperation, but I know after evaluating things, that this is a part of what makes me need love and have love.  Times of joy wait just around the corner.



       On a lighter note, my new favorite summer cup is an almond milk latte. :)  I would recommend getting one at The Frothy Monkey (but if you like it slightly sweet then ask them to add a little vanilla and or banana to the drink).  Cafe Coco also has a delicious almond milk latte, but they don't accept credit cards for purchases under $10.

       I'm now serving at two restaurants.  I never thought I'd actually be a server, it seemed like such an impossibility, because of my lack of experience.  I'm enjoying it thoroughly.  It is stressful at times, and makes me get frazzled when I cannot deliver perfection...so I'm frazzled at every moment, but it works well for me.  I can make my own schedule (after having made enough for rent), and I get to interact with a myriad of diverse minds.  I was surprised to find that I am actually very intrigued by my coworkers.  I used to think everyone annoyed me in some way or another, but turns out I like people a lot.  I don't know why or how or where I had fostered such an incorrect view of myself, but serving has shown me that my heart loves people.  So that was nice.  Although, it does scare me how much love people desire once you begin to give it to them.  Perhaps we all have unending amounts of love to share, but it doesn't always feel that way.  I try not to rely too much on my feelings, truth has a way of being the opposite of them.

        Here's the photo I put on my resume.  I don't know if it gives off an unfriendly vibe, but when I saw it I thought it depicted my personality spot on.  I'm smiling, if you can't tell, and the empty look in my eyes just means I'm thinking about something that I maybe want to share with you, but likely will not unless you say something first that's oddly unexpected and semi-vulnerable.  Or maybe I'll just share what I have to say if you wait long enough for it.

JmeGrey

I cried.

       My grandfather is on his deathbed as I type this.  My mom is with him (as he is her dad) in Canada, and it was strange, but it didn't really truly hit me, the sadness, until a few minutes passed by and I was slowly processing the reality that I will not be able to hug him, talk to him, or see him again while I live on this earth.  That made me sad.  I like hugging people.  I love my family, so naturally I'm hugging them left and right, out of nowhere, sneak attack hugs, big strong bear hugs, quick parting side hugs, and my favorite: the thankful back hug.  I wish I could have given my grandpa one more sweet hug, a soft one since he's probably very fragile, and because it would be sweeter and more memorable.  I won't be able to hug him, but I got to tell him that I loved him over the phone, and I take great relief in knowing that I will see him again in perfect joy.

        It puts life, my life, back into a more defined perspective.  We always hear the phrase: "life is short", but when someone close to you passes away, it's weird to think that they will be gone, but it's even more weird to also realize that one day you will be gone too.  We all come to an end eventually, and this is life, and that is what makes it so short.  However, death is only the way to eternal life.  We, as loved sons and daughters of our Father, shed this body and are lifted into His eternal kingdom.  That sounds like a sci-fi story, but it's true.  I mean, I'm not too sure about all the exact details, but the important thing is that death is nothing to fear because it's not the end.  Death should actually be a joyful experience for God's children; it is our goodbye on earth and our hello to the One who loves us most.  That's not to say we should desire an early death, since we are all called to run a race with all our hearts in order to bring God glory and somehow show our love and thankfulness for making a way for us to be with Him after death.  Death will happen to me, to you, to them, but it is not the end.

       I cried, no actually I sobbed, but it was weird.  Weird because I didn't feel heart-sad, but it was more of an obligatory cry mixed with sincere sadness, but not the kind of weeping sadness that I feel when I tell the Lord how sorry I am.  That kind of sadness makes me break down into rivers of tears, but this was brief sobs of goodbye...for now, for a while, wish-I-could-have-given-you-one-last-hug kind of cry.  Then I cried some more for my mom who I know must be more sad than me.  I wish I could be with my mom to hold her hand as she says goodbye to her dad, and to hug her tightly when it's over, and hug her to let love surround and comfort her, but I can't...so that's why I sobbed a little more.  I promise I'm not a big sob blob, but I thought I'd share it honestly on here because it seems to help me feel better about it all.  Not that I feel bad about it, but it happened, the sobbing, and in case there's someone reading this that sobbed too, I'm right there with ya.  ;)

JmeGrey

Desperate people like you, like me.

So I'm pretty active on instagram, which is amazing because I'm the most inadequate social media user.  My facebook is dead (it resurrects every once in a while when I feel desperately uninformed or curious about people's updates in life/past), and I've never had a twitter account, and I'm not even on Pinterest (sadly).  But Instagram is my jam.  I take a lot of photos.  Mostly with people, of people, myself, friends, strangers, family, or a lot of partial -grams: feet (hipsters do this alot so I stopped), my mouth, an eyeball, knee caps, etc.  However, most of my photos are with my friends, coworkers, and myself....Ok lets be honest, mostly of myself, because I'm around me all the time.  However, what you see is not always what it may appear to be, I may look like I'm doing great because I'm smiling with friends in a photo with just the right lighting and a great setting, but that is just a photo.  I want to be blunt, because what you may be feeling, is what I may be feeling as well.  Whether that is sad, confused, lonely, in apathetic turmoil, or empty.  Maybe all of the above and then some.  Basically, my revelation was to remind myself and hopefully others, that we all need Jesus.  If I can easily post a photo that is saturated with the impression that my life is good and that everything is going well when it's not, then I should certainly realize that others can too...and with that understanding, remind myself to stop comparing or being envious or feeling sorry for myself, because nothing will be sufficient for me or anyone apart from the only eternal person which is Christ.  Jobs will fade, people will disappoint you, new places will become old places, and money will just be an unending pursuit of things that break down and also fade, but having a relationship with your Creator and Father who loves you, and with that love doing things that matter in life; will build the eternal part of you, your soul.  To set your eyes on what God desires, will change you, shift your perspective and move you toward an unshakeable joy.  It's always difficult in the beginning, and I'm not saying that it will one day be easy, but I do believe that it does get easier, and the more we strive for what's right and good and true, the more we exercise our identity being in Christ, the less we will be slaves to our sin and bad habits.  I believe God knows we will fail.

''All of us have sinned and fallen short of

God's glory. But God treats us much better than we

deserve, and because of Christ Jesus, he freely accepts

us and sets us free from our sins" -Romans 3:23-24)

That beautiful grace catches us, wraps us up and gives us strength and hope to try again, until we see change happen.

I was looking through instagram, at people's photos, smiling faces, happy places, good food, and group shots, but suddenly it occurred to me that most likely than not, these were the faces of desperate people.  People like me who need Jesus more and more.  

I would much rather not say anything because it's uncomfortable and it makes me feel like some hypocritical christian or "religious" person, and because I'm lazy and would rather not think about what's right (because doing what's wrong feeeeels better at first), but thankfully blogging about it isn't as scary bc I get to hide behind a keyboard, (even though I'm sure people I actually see on a weekly basis have access to this blog...which is good, but doesn't feel good haha) I have to write it.  I have a blog, and what I have to say must be from my heart otherwise it's just useless banter.  I'm not really one to just talk for the sake of talking....which can be a good or bad thing, but that's a whole other topic haha. 

I'm writing this from a house that I am nannying at (but the kids are tucked away in bed and sleeping), and it just occurred to me that maybe there's a nanny cam here, so I better not fart or pick my nose, or eat too much of their food.  ....dang it.

-JmeGrey