Rest in the pursuit of Joy

Rest in the pursuit of Joy 

Rest is a joy because rest is good through and through.

What happens when we find ourselves unable to rest?  Or more explicitly, if our rest is without joy...

“So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief.”

Hebrews 3:19

The moment I begin to feel anxious or afraid or worried is the moment I am no longer resting.  In other words, to be resting means to feel safe and secure in a place where all things, at least for that time being, are in order.  When I think back on one of my favorite memories as a child it involves a book over my head, a crackling fireplace, and the sound of clinking pots and pans coming from the kitchen indicating my mom was close by (oh, and the wafting scent of warm chocolate chip cookies half baked in the oven!).  I was resting even though I wasn't sleeping.  The rest in this case was a rest of heart and mind, of safety and joy.  I was reading, but it wasn't "work", it was rest.  This is the rest I know is true and that I believe is what God our good Father has given to us.  It is unbelief in His loving sovereignty that sprouts all kinds of unrest in us. 

“For the person who has entered His rest 

has rested from his own works, 

just as God did from His. 

Let us then 

make every effort to enter that rest, 

so that no one will fall into the same pattern of disobedience.”

Hebrews 4:10-11

So the way to avoid a pattern of disobedience is to make EVERY EFFORT to enter that rest!

Make every effort to enter that rest!  

Make every single effort in you to enter that rest!  What rest?  Your rest or God's rest?  You have to know the difference between your rest and God's rest, and you will know which is best rest!

It's almost too good to be true but God is saying that we are to rest!  Stop "working" and rest!  Does that mean we stop getting out of bed, going to our jobs, or doing things?  It could be but it includes all aspects of our life, because this rest is a rest of heart and mind.  If we nap then nap restfully!  If we eat then eat restfully!  If we go to school then listen restfully!  If we go to work then work restfully!  How so? You might ask.  How can I rest when I'm at work and people are stressing me out?!  That's a good question, a question suited for the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.  How are we to rest at work, school, with family?  The Holy Spirit reveals these amazing truths and shows us how when we open our hearts to Him in honesty. 

“For the word of God is living and effective and sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating as far as the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow. 

It is able to judge the ideas and thoughts of the heart.”

Hebrews 4:12

Praying with the aid of the Word of God (as I did for this, reading the book of Hebrews as I prayed with each passage) is a living and effective way to slice open the heart.  Like a sword it penetrates the layers inside your heart with a precision so specific!  It says it's sharper than a double-edged sword!  And that it penetrates as far as the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow.  In other words, it not only separates in the spiritual life but also in the physical!  There are things in the spiritual life that need to be sorted--truth from lie, and there are things in the physical life that need to be sorted--truth from a lie.  Because we are both spirit and body, and the word of God addresses both.  It says that it judges the thoughts and ideas of the heart, not of the mind!  Praying with the Word of God avails us to the separating power of the Spirit, and as these separations are made that is how we cooperate with the Spirit to see our true thoughts and ideas more clearly.  We discern with the Spirit not apart from Him.  How can we walk in the freedom of His rest without Him?  So then, we must make every effort to enter into rest, whether at work, in bed, at school, out to lunch, or with certain individuals.  We must enter into God's rest, because only a good God would command us to live such a life!  So then, as we pray with the Word of God and avail our hearts to be sliced open it will undoubtedly expose the source of our worries, fears, and unbelief...these are the very blockades that make us unable to enter into God's rest.  We cannot enter into God's glorious rest if we hold on to anything that takes away from God's goodness, sovereignty, love, and care.  That would contradict the very presence of God!  So, as our hearts are cut open to the Spirit we will see things that are painful to see, but even in this moment of truth we are further aided by Jesus Himself! 

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tested in every way as we are, yet without sin. 

Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time.”

Hebrews 4:15-16

Once our hearts are cut open by the Word of God and every ugly sin writhes exposed by the Spirit to the light of Truth, there Christ is our High Priest.  He knows every sin in us, yet was without sin Himself, meaning He has experienced the weight of sin without committing the sin.  We experience the weight of sin by committing sin, but Christ experienced the weight by volunteering to take ours without committing sin.  So then He knows the weight of difficulty and by that is able to sympathize kindly and gently with our burdens.  He knows how sin weakens us spiritually and physically because he carried our sins.  So the point is, He knows you and me through and through.  There is nothing in our deceptive hearts that He does not know and that He does not sympathize with as our weakness.  All we do at this point of having invited our High Priest into the deepest part of our hearts is to approach the throne of Grace.  

Now the throne of grace, by definition, means that grace is administered.  And what is grace but that which we are given according to what we do not deserve!  Which is to receive mercy and help in our time of need!  It is grace because "our time of need" was caused by our own sin in our own hearts!  And for that causation we deserve to reap what we sowed!  Yet, at the throne of grace we get what we don't deserve, which is mercy and help!  

God's Word says:

"Today, if you hear His voice, 

do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

Hebrews 3:15

What is God speaking to you about today?  Surely it is spoken for those who will hear His voice and enter into His rest.  

I encourage you to open the Word of God and prayerfully walk through the passages with an open heart to the Spirit.  Listen and do not harden your heart, but avail yourself to the cut and allow the Spirit to excise the source of unrest in your hearts so that you may be able to approach the throne of grace!   

Jmegrey

Occupied with joy (in the workplace)

First things first, find your joy in Him. 

“Behold, 

what I have seen to be good and fitting 

is to eat and drink and find enjoyment 

in all the toil 

with which one toils under the sun 

the few days of his life 

that God has given him, 

for this is his lot. 

Everyone also to whom God has given 

wealth and possessions and power 

to enjoy them, 

and to accept his lot 

and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. 

For he will not much remember 

the days of his life 

because God keeps him 

Occupied with joy in his heart.”

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

Upon deeper reflection in prayer, I think that I considered work to be my value or my status.  Looking back I don't want to think about work because my work back then was not anything that brought me value or status.  My work back then was miserable and mundane because it wasn't where I wanted to be.

I wanted to disassociate  myself from my past jobs because to me they were not up to par.  While my standards were looming ahead I had very little room to enjoy my work.  It was joyless toiling, and it led me to breakdown and ask God what it was that my standard would give me?  I ended up seeing rags.  What appeared so desirable was exposed as dirty rags because even if I got the life I wanted, I would still be me on the inside.

I associate work with worth and the more satisfied I am with my work the more I feel valued.  If my work is meaningful I believe that makes me meaningful.  If my work sucks, that means I suck.  Rather than being occupied by joy I'm occupied by fear, fear of losing more and more of my value as time passes.  Or that my value is always at risk, depending on the task at hand, giving rise to much anxiety

The Spirit showed me this false belief.  My value is not dependent on my work, but rather work is meant to bring me joy alongside the value that Christ has given me.  That each piece of work is part of the many colors that paint the portrait of the Father's good love. 



...but then I think well what if I lose everything?  And the joy is sucked out of every good thing I have: money, a roof over my head, good food, family, clothes--all of that become "at-risk."  Things that are made to bring me joy and keep me occupied with joy are bringing me anxiety, fear and a sense of worthlessness.  Keeping me occupied with anxiety! 

So what can be done about this?

I think the revelation of this passage is in all the portions I underlined.  To be busy with joy!  To chase and seek after joy in all things.  I sometimes feel guilty or wrong to enjoy certain things I have (like money that I didn't necessarily work for, expensive food, new clothes, etc)  and I can't enjoy them because I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy them or that if I enjoy them it would be wrong.  However, clearly this passage is a reminder that everything is a gift from God, whether we worked for it or not!  Because in the end it is God who occupies us with joy in our hearts through it all.  So why spend another moment in anything but the truth that what we have now is made to bring us joy! Yes we toil and we work, but God knows what each of us needs, and He continues to send us gifts to occupy us with joy.  So find what you enjoy most, stop comparing your gifts to someone else's and live joyfully! 

I'm talking most acutely about your work, your vocation, your job, your career.  Stop chasing after some kind of status, money or value in your work, because eventually one day all of that will be in the dead past.  Instead may God occupy you with joy in your work!  We only have so many days to live until we meet God face to face, and if we can live now as recipients of His gifts and steward them with joy then it might show us ready to enjoy the greatest gift of all: Him.  

Jmegrey 

The secret place

This rain got me in the contemplative mood, but who am I kidding...I'm always in that mood, but the rain brought a special perspective to the process.  The scent of rain makes me think of good memories, or rather, of Christmas.

I need to be still sometimes. 

I need to wait and hear the voice of my Shepherd lest I fall into step with another. 

So I wait.

I hear the noises, the lies and threats, and I hear them but I know better now than to listen to them. 

Instead I wait and I worship and listen for His voice.  It usually comes as a flood, but today it came like the rain in soft drops.  I heard Him say He has me right where I need to be.

Then I started to think about His ways.

He has led me to love in such deep and satisfying ways.  

Because of Him I love my high school students and I get to be filled with the joy they bring into my life.  

Because of Him I love my friends more genuinely, and it's crazy because I never knew love could be so fulfilling without goals. 

When I'm with my friends or my high school students I have nothing to bring but myself in all of my unpredictable awkward strangeness, and then He turns that into a beautiful bond. 

I come weak and confused, much afraid and vulnerable, but He meets me every moment with His strength. He holds me and keeps me, but most of all He turns my negative things into glorious things! 

It's so clever, so genius.

I come as my deeply flawed self, but I am met with perfection. 

So today I've been thinking about Him and how His love snuffs out every fear.

So then it was strange to not be in fear, not even the fear of being back in fear again! Haha.  But I was so overwhelmed by His love that fear seemed so plastic.  It was uneasy to be so uneasy.  So perhaps the will of my Father is not for me to feel easy, but something else.

Something else....not easy but not fearful.

But not necessarily uneasy either.

Hmm, what could He mean by this? 

Filled.

The wick of my heart is to burn brighter like a million shooting stars! 

It's not easy, or fearful, or even uneasy, but wondrous!  

I think I'm afraid to be so....awestruck all the time because it makes me feel like I'm being childish, but I find that at the end of it all I am always caught up in some really enamored place in my soul as if Heaven is growing in my heart.  I come to this sweet secret place with the Lord, and I'm captured.  It's as if I stumbled into a new world where there is so much light and everything is made to glorify an awesome King.  And I am told that I'm a daughter of this awesome King.

It's all overwhelming and confusing and I feel very out of place at first. 

But then it starts to dawn on me that this is what I have been born to be.  

A daughter of the Awesome King. 

Nothing seems of higher essence than to be who I am in the secret place. 

Doesn't it sound silly?  Like a sci-fi movie haha, but I can't pretend like it's not awesome. 

The rain brings me to the secret place. 

Who has done this?

“Who has performed and done this, 

calling the generations from the beginning? 

I, Yahweh, am the first, and with the last — I am He.””

Isaiah 41:4

Waking up with the Lord is so refreshing to my soul.  My eyes are adjusting to being open again, but my heart and the meditations flowing from it are good and fearless.  

Who has done this but God who wakes me with His love? 

He calls me in the morning, leads me to the breakfast I have, fills me with good coffee, refreshes my face in the water, and clothes me with soft threads. 

Throughout the day God stays with me, fills my eyes with the heavens as I drive on the freeway, my ears take in His song, and still the meditations of my heart are of His love for me.

When I walk to class He holds on to me, the unpredictable friends I make, the conversations I have, the lessons I learn, and the snacks He has prepared for me to have when I get hungry.  All the while the meditation of my heart is that He is for me.

As I go to the library to study He waits with me in the moments of anxiety that need to be calmed.  He walks upon those waters and calls me forth to step out into His power.  That all things are subject to Him--even the winds.  And my heart is vulnerable to the fears that He brings to the surface to show me that even those are futile and rendered powerless when His love floods over them.  His love wrecks every fear.  And the meditations of my heart is that His ways are perfect.

Finally, as I meet with friends for dinner and genuine conversation my God goes before me.  He prepares my way and makes a path for me to walk through.  He might make my heart very tender to ready it for compassion, or He may build it up to ready it for some courageous but loving confrontation.  It is all in His hands as He continues to set me where my feet will desire to go.  I go willingly and not willfully, I go willingly and not will-lessly.  I go because the meditations of my heart sing His love for me. 

And when I come home to change into pajamas He settles my thoughts.  He sweetly recaps our moments with me like old fashioned reels played against a white wall.  He feeds me, He clothes me, He fills my heart with awe and wonder. 

At last He is there in the dark of the night.  Sometimes calling me to prayer, or bringing me rest right away.  His eyes never leave me, and His hand never lets go of me.  From the moment I lay my head down to sleep He speaks His love over me, and again there is no fear that stands after this.  The meditations of my heart say that He is God, He is good, and He loves me. 

Come what may in the night, pain or fear or an unknown darkness, my God goes before me and prepares the way with Love that always brings me back to safety.  

“Who has performed and done this, 

calling the generations from the beginning? 

I, Yahweh, am the first, and with the last — I am He.””

Isaiah 41:4

Jmegrey

Don't be afraid of pain

There's been this line going through my mind again and again in thought and in spontaneous song:

"Whether I sink or swim,

It makes no difference when

I'm beautifully in over my head."

Today has been so good. 

By good I mean that I felt so good and the people I was with were good company, the food I ate was so good, the things I got done were pretty good, and the uncontrollable surprising  things were the most good.  

I think after the past few days when I just broke down before God with everything in my heart that was not satisfied and happy in Him it was painful but it was necessary --for Him to make room for all the good He had in store for me today.  He knew I needed it, and He wouldn't let me go without giving it to me.  Giving me the pain necessary for the good.  

Pain is always only worth it if the reward far outweighs it, oftentimes I have found that the pain I go through is even made beautiful and good once the outcome is given to me.  Because the outcome is so good that it makes the pain necessary for it good too!  It makes pain good!  Haha. 

Whether I sink or swim,

In this ocean of ups and downs,

It makes no difference when 

I'm in over my head,

When the reward is knowing God,

And being more full of His love, 

Sink or swim all looks the same,

All that matters is that I get God. 

So I hope I will always remember that pain or failure or messing up are all fears that are considered "downs" in life.  But they're only downs of the "ups" are considered what is good (the "ups" like success in life, comfort, peace, etc). But if my reward is God then up and downs make no difference when Christ alone gives me Himself by grace through faith alone. 

There's nothing I do to get God, I only believe. 

Believing does not mean I only have ups or that I only have downs.  Believing is just believing in spite of ups or downs.

Because the reward is God.

To know Him more,

To be drawn into the words of life,

The truth that is undeniable.

There is nothing that refutes His Name.

Nothing compares to Him.

I only hurt myself when I try to resist Him.

But when I'm in over my head...

Whether I sink or swim,

It makes no difference when

I'm in way over my head! 

To enjoy God's love so much that it's all I want.

To have Jesus in me is to know that I get God!

I have Him in me.

The Spirit of God is my seal of adoption.

But I mean,

It's been about realizing that pain is not bad.

Mistakes are not bad.

Because by bad I mean something to worry or upset or threaten me. 

Pain and mistakes are 

Simply pain and mistakes.  

That's it.

They're just there but they have no power.

Like a bumble bee without the stinger.

So I can hold the bee, I can be around the bee, I can even examine and touch the bee, because it has no power to harm me.

This has really helped me to bring my heart to God more.  

To know that the pain I once tried so hard to avoid is actually just stuff God uses to transform into good! 

If God redeems our bad stuff into good stuff then the more bad stuff I have to bring Him the more good stuff I will avail myself to. 

:). That's been the case for me this week.

“For whoever has, 

more will be given to him, 

and he will have more than enough. 

But whoever does not have, 

even what he has 

will be taken away from him.”

Matthew 13:12

God cannot be had in part.  You either get all of Him or none of Him at all.  I think taking the time to have the real Him in whatever seemingly small amount it may look to be is always just to prove to us that to have a little of Him is indeed to have all of Him.  So long as the God you get is indeed Him and not your own solution to your problems.

God cannot be conned by your finite intelligence.  He cannot be less than who He is, and that is God.  It means understanding what it means to be God.  What does it mean that God loves you?  What does it mean for Him to be God versus what it means for you to be "god"?  

Getting God is not about quality but about reality.  You either want all of Him or you get none of Him at all.  He is indivisible.  

Oh man. 

Oh God.

All I know is that God is real, He is good, and He loves me.

The rest is sitting with bees without stingers.  One by one they go from being threats to being interesting and sometimes funny.  

And the less I fear the more I enjoy. 

The more I enjoy the more I know.

The more I know God the more I believe.

The more I believe the more I enjoy.

In the beginning and in the end I get to enjoy Him. 

It's so weird sometimes, but once I get God there is nothing more I want.  What could be better than having Him?  You tell me please.  

What is better than having everything? 

It leaves nothing to be lacking.  How can you have more than perfection and still want more?

It's illogical. 

Getting God is getting everything. 

When I get Him I can love others more genuinely.

When I have Him I can laugh more.

When I have Him I can connect with others.

When I have Him I'm just a singing machine! 

Haha.

“But the angel said to them, 

“Don’t be afraid, 

for look, 

I proclaim to you good news 

of great joy 

that will be for all the people: 

Today a Savior, 

who is Messiah the Lord, was born 

for you 

in the city of David.”

Luke 2:10-11

Don't be afraid. 

Look.

Good news.

Of great joy.

Jesus the Savior and Lord.

For you.  For me.  

No more fear of death.

It has lost its sting.

Jmegrey 

Resurrection power

There's a violence in me

Kindling fears, past regrets, and self loathing.

There are deep murky waters of disappointment,

This reflection of me upon the filthy water is scary.

The me I see is not who I want to be.

Why have the waters gotten dirtier,

It must have been my heart opening more.

The more I saw the more I abhorred 

Who has taken my dreams more than this monster? 

I was robbed and held at gunpoint by the enemy in my own skin.

I want to understand.

I want to change, 

but this corruption is deeper 

than just a behavioral ban.

It's a soul wound all bruised and bent.

I'm completely disfigured on the inside it's so painful to handle again. 

Your eyes on me feel nice, but why can't I see what You do?

All I see is this ugly body with unaccomplished things.

What is meant by all this sorrow and suffering? 

Hold my soul's bent figure as You unfold me. 

May the pain subside in time for me to see,

The beautiful me. 

My true identity.

I'm not fourteen or seventy three, so I've had some time and more time will help me see.

Or if the beauty I long to see is not the one I expect to see, help me understand this strange epiphany. 

“Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, 

did not consider equality with God as something to be used for His own advantage.”

Philippians 2:5-6

My identity is not a matter of necessity? 

How do I consider my righteousness given to me by Christ?

It's not to my advantage?

What then is it for?

The good news is about my salvation, but

is it much more? 

Is my salvation a kind of by product of what's truly good in being remade in Your Son? 

What is there to being saved that's more than just this salvation?

“My goal is to know Him 

and the power of His resurrection 

and the fellowship of His sufferings, 

being conformed to His death, 

assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead.”

Philippians 3:10-11

Know Him, understand the power, join in suffering, take death, and somehow resurrection?

Sounds...bleak. 

Where in all of this is my beauty? My identity of someone I want to be.  Where in all this is me? 

But it is to Know Him.

It is to know the power of His resurrection.

It is to suffer as He also suffered for me.  (There's "me")

It is to make room for suffering unto death. (There's me)

It is to assume or believe that I will also continue in His steps into resurrection from the dead. 

The goal of all this is (according to Scripture, by Paul's letter to the Philippians):

1.  To Know Him

2.  To be convinced of His power to rise from the dead. 

3.  To suffer as He did.

4.  To willingly die as He did.

5.  To rise as He did. 

So where have my goals been different things?

Well, yea. 

So what's so great about this goal? (1-5)

My goals of identity seem much more pressing and good.  

The ones above sound like a lot of death and suffering.  Knowing, power and rising too.  But why the suffering and death too?!  Why is that necessary?  I suppose it's much like the way we know our friends better by entering into their experiences with them as closely as possible, it's how we know them more.  It's a way of trusting them more, and it's loving them more because we have more of them to love. 

So as I know Him, and the power of His resurrection, I take steps into His kind of suffering, and I find a willingness to suffer even unto death as He did, not because I must but because to do so is to enter His experience by relationship.  In suffering and willingness to die from it, ...what a dreadful thing!  So much resistance in me of something like that! 

I don't want to die!  I don't like suffering.  But to know Him and His power to rise is to know the lesser things even if they feel like big great devastating things!  The more I suffer the more I see.  The more I am bent toward a willingness to die from suffering the more I know His love for me.  That I gave Him what the world now gives me.  But instead of turning my back on this pain and suffering, like Jesus I can willingly die for the joy set before me.  Only if I do hear from Him that that's what I'm doing.  And how do I know He's telling it and speaking to me?  

By the power of His resurrection displayed in me. 

What does that look like? 

The power of His resurrection? 

What does that really mean?

“For I have often told you, and now say again with tears, that many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 

Their end is destruction; 

their god is their stomach; 

their glory is in their shame. 

They are focused on earthly things, 

but our citizenship is in heaven, 

from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, 

the Lord Jesus Christ. 

He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself.”

Philippians 3:18-21

So the power of His resurrection is to know that this body is decaying, but a new body will be given, one that I can't now see but believe to be as glorious as He!  

Oh that is so hard to believe.

It is indeed a difficult thing.

Much of this power is known through suffering. 

The way in which I see the body I have decaying. 

I then see more clearly the need for a new body. 

This one is to die willingly because death will come no matter what.  This life is short in comparison to eternity. 

So suffering does help me see.

But it is still suffering that I feel burdened by until He speaks. 

To reveal Himself and the power of His for my new body. 

I get and I gain because I suffer in letting go of what's killing me destructively. 

Oh the God I love is compassionate to me!

To love a wretch like me that clings to lies and wanting whatever is dazzling for my temporary body. 

But oh! I know I'll fall again  and I'll weep in grief.

In tender moments like these, I ask my Father to hold me.  Softly, sweetly, until I sleep. 

Keep speaking Lord, 

Let grace open my listening. 

“The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ 

be with your spirit.”

Philippians 4:23

But.  How will I know that this is Your will?

What if I miss the call You purpose for me?

“We have redemption, the forgiveness of sins, in Him.

He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together.

But now He has reconciled you by His physical body through His death, to present you holy, faultless, and blameless before Him —

God wanted to make known among the Gentiles the glorious wealth of this mystery, 

which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

I labor for this, striving with His strength that works powerfully in me.”

Colossians 1:14, 17, 22, 27, 29

I can't miss what's in me, nor can I do anything apart from His strength working in me.  It's impossible to not be in Your will and Your purpose for me!  That's so safe, now I can sleep.  I don't have to worry about messing it all up,....but really?  How can it be?  That's too good to be true isn't it?  It's such good news! 

I love the gospel.  

But there's a nasty critic in me.  Parading as a holy thing.  Telling me I'm a lost cause if I don't do more--making me worry and causing me to hide from God like Adam and Eve after falling and seeing their naked bodies.  Ashamed of the body they saw, and now this trap of lies and shame of my body tries to make me run from Him.  

“Therefore, God’s chosen ones, 

holy and loved, 

put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. 

Just as the Lord has forgiven you, 

so you must also forgive. 

Above all, put on love — 

the perfect bond of unity. 

And let the peace of the Messiah, 

to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. 

Be thankful. 

Let the message about the Messiah 

dwell richly among you, 

teaching and admonishing one another 

in all wisdom, and singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, with gratitude in your hearts to God. 

And whatever you do, in word or in deed, 

do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

Colossians 3:12-17

I look at my life in the name of Jesus not in the name of my degree, accomplishments, or status. 

This body.

“For we know that if our temporary, earthly dwelling is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal dwelling in the heavens, not made with hands. Indeed, we groan in this body, desiring to put on our dwelling from heaven, since, when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. Indeed, we groan while we are in this tent, burdened as we are, because we do not want to be unclothed but clothed, so that mortality may be swallowed up by life. And the One who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave us the Spirit as a down payment.”

2 Corinthians 5:1-5

“For we must all appear before the tribunal of Christ, so that each may be repaid for what he has done in the body, whether good or worthless. Therefore, because we know the fear of the Lord, we seek to persuade people. 

We are completely open before God, 

and I hope we are completely open to your consciences as well. 

We are not commending ourselves to you again, but giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may have a reply for those who take pride in the outward appearance rather than in the heart. For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, since we have reached this conclusion: 

If One died for all, then all died. And He died for all so that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for the One who died for them and was raised.”

2 Corinthians 5:10-15

Raised in resurrection power, 

Jmegrey 

Before I study

Before I start my studies....

Father what is Your will 

And what is mine? 

Yours is good and beautiful and true

Mine is being redeemed to be good and beautiful and true.

Is Your will and my will the same?

No.  Clearly my will is meant to be transformed into Your will, but it still has corrosive, ugly, and false distortions to it.

Why?

Because I'm a sinner by nature (because of Adam--Not to blame Adam but to understand what it means to be created in need of the authority of a Creator.) 

How much of my will should I be okay with?

"Test and discern"

By grace.

Lord help me to keep my eyes on your goodness, beauty and truth.

Help me to put Your word before mine as a filter that helps my will be good and beautiful and true as Your image in me is redeemed to what it was originally intended to be.

What do You say about my studies?

To be diligent, but not anxious.

To be easy but not lazy. 

To be fun but not frivolous.

To take enough time to read but also enough time to reflect.

Take enough time to digest but enough time to continue on. 

Help me to navigate these boundaries.

As I go to the library Lord I pray that You go with me, go before me, and guide my mind and my body to be in submission to Your will as good, beautiful and true.

Help me not to be anxious, overwhelmed, bored, or confused.  But if I do become or start to become any of these things give me the wisdom to stop what I'm doing and seek Your face. 

“So the one who boasts 

must boast in the Lord. 

For it is not the one commending himself who is approved, but the one the Lord commends.”

2 Corinthians 10:17-18

What do You say about my work ethic? My study habits? 

My eating habits?

My conversations and relationships with others? 

My exercise regimen?

My reading and comprehension speed? 

My reflection times?

My instagramming? 

What do You think of me when I do anything? 

It matters to me what You think because You are my soul's love. 

You commend me not because I study well or because I don't get anxious, but you commend me because when You see me down here, You see that I am covered in the white robe that Christ's blood was shed to give me.  

So, I boast in You when I study.  I study well to magnify Your beauty to others.

I study and eat well to magnify how good and true You are.

I study, eat, exercise and talk to people in such a way that magnifies how good and beautiful You are, which is the truth.  

I do none of those things to be commended by You, but I do all from having already been commended by You.

I want to study well and teach Your word to others clearly and beautifully and humorously because you are clear and beautiful and humorous to me!  

If I fail to accomplish my task....

If my teaching or my studying is criticized by others, by me--though claiming I am doing all of these things just to magnify Your beauty and goodness and truth, yet seeing/hearing or feeling that I'm falling short of that task...if in fact I find that my teaching or studying or eating or being with people is not magnifying You...Father be gentle with me.  Let Your compassion face me.  Bring me into Your dwelling place of restoration and refreshment, so that with more of You I can again study, eat, speak and be to the praise of Your beauty, goodness and truth. 

Mark off where I am grabbing Your glory and where You are most glorified through my satisfaction in You.  

Both seem to be going for the same thing: satisfaction, but only one gets the reward. 

Glory is just an impression of the reward.

You deserve all the glory because You are God, and I want all the glory because I was made to want You. 

But sin rusted my image of You and made glory the ultimate gain.  But glory was always only meant to be an impression of who You are that I want. 

Now I find that I do want glory, and that's okay so long as I want glory because it is what I can give to You.  

You are my highest gain. 

Not glory. 

Glory will always just leave an impression, like smoke from a fire, but You give me Yourself.  You give Yourself, the One with all glory and honor and praise.  

So again, I'm about to head to the library to study and I know I'll be tempted to shirk from things that are boring, overwhelming, confusing or uncomfortable.  But may diligence flow not from the value of being good, since all my goodness comes from Christ having died for me, but from my time spent with You.  

Speak to me through the texts, through my peers, through the assignments and through what I see, hear, taste, and touch....and smell! Haha.

All things.

Keep me awake and alert for catching all the wonders that You are just in today. 

Amaze me with Your beauty. 

Capture me with Your truth.

Convince me with Your goodness.

I want to see You more and know You more in whatever means possible and available to me today. 

Change my heart from the distorted to the redeemed. 

Let hope be firmly anchored in my soul. 

May Your grace extend across my mistakes. 

Father, keep me close to Thee

"faithfulness, not success, is God’s measure of our service."

-my theology textbook 

Pain, envy, guilt and despair

“For I am about to fall, 

and my pain is constantly with me. 

So I confess my guilt; 

I am anxious because of my sin.

Lord, do not abandon me; 

my God, do not be far from me. 

Hurry to help me, Lord, my Savior.”

Psalms 38:17-18, 21-22

Wow.  I read David's psalm in psalm 38 and the words flee from the pages of David's heart into mine.  

The feeling I get before I fall into sin is usually very known to me.  I am familiar with the feelings that lead up to the temptation and commission of my sins.  Knowing everything that causes my anxiety, worry, envy, and so forth, only make me realize how helpless I am without God's help.  

At times I don't understand why I choose the very thing I hate, even if I know it offends the God I love or why I continue in my sin even when I know it will only harm me and eventually lead to my decay (spiritually, mentally and physically).  

The law of the Lord is sweet to my soul, because I know that when I am in Christ--who accomplished the law in Himself--I am made to walk in the way of life.  In the way of life I choose to honor God and in doing so I reap life giving outcome spiritually, mentally and physically.  Not just in a religious sense, but choosing life in Christ benefits me all around!  

So it's very disheartening when I see that I am anxious, still, because of my sin.  The thoughts that drag me down, the temptations I willfully step into, and the mindless actions I take that go against God's instruction....all for what?  Pleasure?  Pain?  Boredom?  It is usually a mixture of those things.  

I want something, 

but at the same time I don't want it. 

But here in psalm 38 I felt the comfort of David's cry because he too knew what it meant to sit in his anxiety toward his sins.  He didn't just accidentally fall into sin, but he was aware of them.  He brought his sinful heart to God:

“Lord, my every desire is known to You; 

my sighing is not hidden from You.”

Psalms 38:9

The fact that God sees everything, including the things we pretend are not there anymore, such as our dissatisfaction, longings, and envy of others who have what we want, is the truth. 

Our every desire is known by God. 

Our inner sighing is not hidden from Him.

He knows and hears every cry both audible and inaudible from our mouths and our hearts.

The pain.

The guilt.

The anxiety of our sins.

All of these things that redouble on one another and cause inflammation of the preceding element in the destructive cycle.  It feels doomed and heavy.  It feels as David also described:

“My heart races, my strength leaves me, 

and even the light of my eyes has faded.

I am like a deaf person; I do not hear. 

I am like a speechless person 

who does not open his mouth. 

I am like a man who does not hear 

and has no arguments in his mouth.”

Psalms 38:10, 13-14

Flattened.

Utterly squashed to a sad pulp.

It is a discouraging time when the light leaves your eyes, when you have no strength, when you feel disabled and deaf to the words of Life, when you have no words to defend yourself, and when you know the sin you committed and cling to is your own.  There is no argument to be made.

In that moment there remains one hope.

“I put my hope in You, Lord; 

You will answer, Lord my God.”

Psalms 38:15

David knew that place of desolation well.  He knew the ramifications it had on his mind and body, even on his reputation. 

“For I said, 

“Don’t let them rejoice over me — 

those who are arrogant toward me 

when I stumble.””

Psalms 38:16

David knew that his own sin lead to his own demise, which exposed him as the fool that he was to everyone.  He knew this and he brought even that fear of embarrassment to God because David was very much aware of the fact that he still walked in the direction of sin.  He was doomed by his own sins.  Yet even this helplessness of his was not completely helpless in the sight of the God he knew and loved. 

However, that only meant that David laid his heart bare before God.  It did not mean God helped David according to David's expectations or hopes.  David laid his heart bare with absolutely no predictions as to how or when God would act to help him.  In the Psalm 39 David wrote:

“I said, “I will guard my ways so that I may not sin with my tongue; 

I will guard my mouth with a muzzle 

as long as the wicked are in my presence.” 

I was speechless and quiet; 

I kept silent, even from speaking good, 

and my pain intensified."

David attempted to keep himself from speaking anything because he thought it was a matter of words that caused him to sin.  However, the mere external act of refraining from speaking (where probably much of his behavioral sins flew out) did not change the more potent sin-sickness inside of his heart.  It says that the more he kept silent the more his pain inside just intensified! 

"My heart grew hot within me; 

as I mused, a fire burned. 

I spoke with my tongue: 

“ Lord, reveal to me the end of my life 

and the number of my days. 

Let me know how short-lived I am. 

You, indeed, have made my days short in length,

and my life span as nothing in Your sight. 

Yes, every mortal man is only a vapor. 

Selah"

Then David opened his mouth. 

He tells God to show him his death.  It sounds like David was basically saying "God, being quiet did nothing, so why don't you just kill me now."  David's words sound half holy and half indignant because he's saying that God is so great that compared to His greatness all men's lives are just puffs of smoke, but on the other hand he's basically calling God uncaring about the life God gave him as he says it means nothing to God's sight.  He's treading down a path of honesty as carefully as he can.  

“Certainly, man walks about like a mere shadow.

Indeed, they frantically rush around in vain, gathering possessions without knowing who will get them."

David acknowledges the vanity of all life.  The emphasis that people place on having things, how they frantically rush around to get to work, to make money, to plan things, achieve things, gather stuff in their houses, without knowing who will end up with what they have.  Because new things become old things.  Even the things they so badly want are not guaranteed because to want is only to have a desire for something but not the power to control or possess it.  

In desire, too, humans are powerless to posses.  But they sure do try.  They kill themselves trying.  

David concludes, 

"Now, Lord, what do I wait for? 

My hope is in You."

David asks God with absolute no expectations or assumptions about God.  He has no idea what will happen or what he is waiting for God to do.  All he says is that hope or any chance of anything good is only going to be found in God.  

"Deliver me from all my transgressions; 

do not make me the taunt of fools. 

I am speechless; 

I do not open my mouth because of what You have done. 

Remove Your torment from me; 

I fade away because of the force of Your hand. 

You discipline a man with punishment for sin, 

consuming like a moth what is precious to him; 

every man is only a vapor. Selah”

Psalms 39:1-11

David recognized God's sovereignty.

Although he was pressed down by his anguish over the sin that corrupted him and brought him low, acknowledging that he needed God to save him from his own sins (not being a victim of others' sins), it was God who he knew to be in control.  

Even of the way in which he felt tormented.  

If David lost things that were precious to him (family, money, comfort, health, status) it was God being God--being in control, being Sovereign. 

Yet David was a man after God's own heart.  David loved God.  At first it would seem strange to love a God that allowed so much torment to consume a person like David, but that's only if you were someone who had expectations about what it meant to be God.  David held his heart open to God.  He simply stated "what do I wait for?"  Rather than saying something like "I know You'll give me back my comfort" or "I know that You will give me what I want." Or even "I know that this feeling of anguish will pass soon."  These things are true and good things that are from God, but the emphasis was that David approached God as God, not as the solution to His problems.  

David knew what ultimate treasure was.  He knew that compared to God everything else mattered only under His submission to God as His King. 

If pain happened to David, it was a matter of being open to God for the unknown. 

If torment happened then David let it happen only as something God allowed.

If David was trapped by his sins, then it was God again who would deliver him. 

When anything happened it was under the authority of God. 

Whether David experienced something as good or bad, God was always still God.

When I am pressed down by the guilt of my sins, when I'm burdened by my own envy of others, when my desires for possessions have me frantically rushing around, when finally I am in a place of excruciating pain and torment spiritually, mentally and even physically, then I understand this psalm more vividly.  

God remains to be God, and that never changes.  

What do I wait for then?

I don't know, because I'm not God.

All I can do is bring Him my heart and lay it bare before His Sovereign will.

I have hope in God. 

Hope: verb, to believe, desire and trust.

Hope: noun, the feeling that what is wanted can be had 

I lay my heart bare before God, believing, desiring, and trusting Him with the feeling that everything I want is in Him--even if what I actually have is not what I want in this moment. 

The hope I have is deeper than now and deeper than years.  The hope of having what I desire is for the eternal.  I hope in God, the only one who was and is to come now and forever.  

He reigns. 

He is King. 

He rules my days. 

He delivers me from my own sins.

He is my hope.

He is my desire.

He is God.

I was foolish to think pain or despair meant something was wrong.  Those are feelings in my bare heart that still fall safely into God's hands. 

Jmegrey 

In a funk

Again, and again these sheets and this pillow are my refuge of rest.  I need them because without them I am lost.  In a world of people and places, money and food, age and beauty, status and achievement, pain and death, in this world I do live and breathe and move--so it's no wonder the pillow on my bed is most frequented. 

Here in the silence of my room, with not even the desire for anything in particular--not for friend, food, or wondrous sights.  Perhaps I don't even know what I want.

Maybe not knowing what I want somehow gets transmitted into my subconscious as not having any desire at all--apathy.  Which is clearly not honoring to God. 

So to be intentionally contrary to that way of viewing my position on my pillow let me think of what I do desire.

I desire rest.  Physical and emotional rest.  

-God might be allowing unrest to take place to show me that I'm trying to find rest in a place where I shouldn't be resting.  Or I may feel unrest because God is showing me that there is no rest in such a place as the one I am chasing after (being organized and on top of things), compelling me to find it where there is rest (Giving Him full control even if that means it appears to be chaos to me for some time).  

-I took a 1 hour nap and feel sooo much better, but still a little off.  So that was much needed, and I will not discount that in itself as a very necessary gift from God. 

I desire joy.

-God might be allowing me to feel a loss of joy because I am attaching it to the wrong source, namely to temporary gratifications.  I often get mixed up between deep in-my-soul Joy and fleeting happiness when I'm over-focused on being happy. 

I desire completeness. 

-God might be allowing me to feel incomplete because I am not yet glorified in the way that I will be when I see God face to face, and it is good to remember that because it means that feeling incomplete is not to feel unsaved or unworthy, but rather to feel incomplete is to recognize again that Jesus gave Himself on the cross to make a way for me to be complete (glorified) when I get to heaven.  No other thing or person on earth could complete me.  Before Jesus came I was doomed to be incomplete forever!  But now I am being made more and more complete, albeit still not fully glorified. 

I desire to be in control and prepared for what I know is to come (papers, speeches, youth meetings, lectures, exams, family and friends) 

-God is allowing me to feel unstable and not in control or even as prepared as I'd like to be because maybe He wants it that way to show me that He is in control.  Maybe God wants me to feel that way so that I will work harder...but feeling out of control and unstable don't exactly give me the impetus to then work harder...I always just go back to pillow.  So perhaps that's not what God is saying.  Maybe God is saying that I feel that way because He wants to reveal to me that His grace is indeed sufficient for me.  

I desire to feel beautiful and powerful.

-how might this desire be redeemed in the gospel, so that it is a desire that honors God (is subservient to my desire for God)? 

I desire to be out of this funk.

-why the funk Lord?  Is this to help increase my faith? 

I desire to read and write easily for my school assignments and my blog. 

-why this trouble Lord?  

-when it comes easily do I begin to get arrogant?  Do I lose track of who gets the glory when these things are in place and "easy" for me?

-are You training me to endure and work diligently with my mind for something I don't yet see or even imagine?  Help me trust in You. 

I desire to be loved.

-I suppose this reveals the clear traces of human love in my heart where God's love can only fill completely.  I'm sorry.  Help me Lord.

I desire to have a hot bf to talk to about all my theological findings.

-uhh, yea I know this one is like embarrassing, but it came up so if the Holy Spirit is bringing it up, help me not to be ashamed to see it. Having my friends get married or have kids makes me lose sight of what's truly "beautiful" at times because of envy.  But also, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about You.  Someone hot.  

I desire felt over faith closeness with God.

-this faith closeness is suffering! 

-sigh.  But I also desire my faith to increase since faith is more about You and feeling is more about me. 

I desire self-sufficiency.

-mooching off my parents at 28 is not exactly ideal but I do recognize that I am blessed for this and that it doesn't take from my value, but it teaches me to grow steadily in humility.  Help me to see that more consistently.  If You didn't want me here, or being in this situation was not a part of Your will then I would not be here.  Help me see what You're so graciously always teaching me.  And thank You for the provision You give me as a reminder that every good thing is from You.  I am Your steward--whether that's with Your money, Your time, or Your circumstances that fill my life.  Help me to remember that when I can't Christ already did.  

“So we rebuilt the wall until the entire wall was joined together up to half its height, for the people had the will to keep working.

When our enemies heard that we knew their scheme and that God had frustrated it, every one of us returned to his own work on the wall.

And I, my brothers, my men, and the guards with me never took off our clothes. Each carried his weapon, even when washing.”

Nehemiah 4:6, 15, 23

I have the will to keep going because God is good in allowing me to do so despite this funk.

I know that God is in control even in this funk and that's why I can continue no matter what happens. 

May I never take off the righteousness of Christ that clothes me in white day and night, not because of my earning it but because of Him freely giving it to me. 

Building up,

Jmegrey