Originality

Whenever a new idea or some epiphany begins to materialize in my mind, the first thing to squash it is the competing idea that it has already been thought of in the mind of another, but in my case usually many others.  The fact that it is likely not original, though original to me, is the rain on my ambition's parade.  

What is it about wanting to be original that I so suspire? 

Why is it that a thought or idea already produced by someone else becomes less than to me?  And not only less than, but easily let go for lack of originality.  Why must I be original?  Why must I be the first?

It seems there is, in me, the rooted inclination to be first. 

I never thought originality could be an idol, because to me it was just seen as unique or special.  But in trying to attain it I am realizing just how self inhibiting it actually is.  I want to be first to present an idea, but if I am not (which I never will be since God is) what does it benefit me to try and assert my originality if not only to prove to others that I am someone valuable?  Then by putting originality at the center of my focus I simultaneously place my value in the hearts and eyes of mankind rather than in Christ.

Lately I'm finding a particular annoyance to people that take a cliché and bash it in order to make another (more valid) point that supports their views.   This irks me, I think for two reasons: 1.  I'm somewhat probably just mad that I didn't come up with it first being that I hate clichés to begin with or 2.  I know how easy it is to play devil's advocate for any view, ANY VIEW.  I mean, even my faith, the whole buck behind this very blog is myself fighting myself in a rather comical yet serious battle of me vs. me.  Some might call that "body vs spirit" or "faith vs unbelief", but both reside within me and are constantly "duking" it out for my will to do, to be. 

That was a bit of a tangent, but to bring it back to the idea that the desire for originality could be an idol is best found in the litmus test of it's opposition.  In other words, if I put an effort to stop trying and wanting to be original and just continued with an idea for the sake of it's awesomeness to me, it would be more about the idea itself than about me.  If you haven't sniffed the epiphany yet, it's also a safe bet to say that anytime you do something good for someone beside yourself you are probably on the right track.  And therein lies the freedom from the suspiration, exasperation, frustration, all the bad "-tions" of what could just turn out to be God's original genius evidenced through you.  

Theology #1-  if God is God then...

He is the Original, therefore only in Him can you be as well. 

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding,

"Who has put wisdom in the innermost being Or given understanding to the mind? (Job 38:4, 36 NASB)

So keep at it, whatever your ideas are, but check to see that whether they work out or not you do it because you want God to get all the glory.  You will get none regardless.  If the idea fails you don't get glory.  If the idea succeeds, God gets the glory, and that is because All glory is His to begin with.

Theology #1-  if God is God then...

All glory belongs to Him, and Him alone.  

"to whom be the glory forevermore. Amen." (Galatians 1:5 NASB)

"to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." (Ephesians 3:21 NASB)

If after reading this you still find in yourself a "what about me" disturbance then I want to remind you that Christ gave His life because of His love for you.  As children of God we are the apple of His eye, and who better to have full value in than in the eye of The Original.  

"Keep me as the apple of the eye; Hide me in the shadow of Your wings" (Psalms 17:8 NASB)

For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. (Zechariah 2:8 NASB)

The unoriginal,

Jmegrey

Interview with Jesus.

If I could interview Jesus it might go something like this...

(What do you ask first??)

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Morning. 

What's your favorite color?

Red.

How come I struggle with sin?

Because you do not look at me during those times. 

What's my favorite color?

Grey

Do you keep a close watch on everybody?

Definitely.

You still get hungry?

I'm always feasting.

Do you have a favorite food?

Heaven's food is indescribable

What is Heaven like?

Nothing like earth.

What do you see when you look down on earth?

My children.

Am I silly for interviewing you?

No.

What is the best thing that I could do on earth?

Believe in Me.

Can you make that plant turn into a cartoon?

Of course.

Since I have you here um do you love me?

More than 1000 rushing winds.

More than a wildflower at its finest beauty.

You are my joy.

Who is the Holy Spirit?

You will soon find out. 

Thank You for your time.

I love you.

Starbucks sinning

Let's talk about idols, or in other words things we look to to meet our needs (obviously looking away from God).  Things we admire more than God.  Things we place an importance on more than God.  Things we will kill for.  

Sin enslaves us, and we can spot their filthy stains on our soul.

David described sin as : "There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation; There is no health in my bones because of my sin.

My wounds grow foul and fester Because of my folly. (Psalms 38:3, 5 NASB)

We are enslaved idolaters.

We serve work.

We serve ourselves.

Idols could be our kids, our parents, our lovers, and even our churches or ministries.

We serve control, time, money.

We serve vanity.

We are surrounded by the demands of idols in every area of our lives.

They are there, ravenous for our souls.

They disguise themselves in the "what" of things, but their true form is in the "why" of things.  

Why do I get so upset when the Starbucks lady gets my drink wrong?

First, because a regular latte is full fat, and not as healthy.  It has more calories than a soy latte. So the idol "Beauty" is upset. 

Second, I spent money (even though it was not my money initially but a gift card given to me) and now that money has been wasted or not optimally used.  I got ripped off, and failed to handle what was given me.  So the idol "money" and "success" are angry.

Thirdly, I now cannot drink what I bought and wanted in the first place, and not getting what I want is tangibly upsetting.  The idol "myself" is steaming at the ears.

When my idols are not served they become very upset, and I am slave to their desires.  Their unmet desires manifest in my action to sin (in this case-become angry)

And there are many more idols, but let's look at the ones here:

Beauty, money, success, myself. 

These are idols because they are "why" I am upset. 

When looking only at the "what" of what happened- in this case I got the wrong latte and it was upsetting-it's easy to shirk it off as normal and nothing.  However, asking "why" reveals the true beast behind the little twist of rage (or jealousy, gossip, hatred, or whatever sin might appear) within me, which can then shine the light on bigger issues where sin occurs.  Starting with the simple offenses help us sift to the deeper more complicated ones like picking the debris out of a wound.  Get out the dirt first, then you can more clearly see what festers beneath that causes that area to rot. 

The sin in this simple case reveals anger, idolatry, greed, vanity, selfishness, and pride; whatever is causing me to produce sin needs to be cut off.   But before I examine the "how", I want to share some of the hindrances to getting there.

I am afraid at times that if I cut off one sin, it will result in the possibility of two things: 1.  I will lose my acknowledgment of being a desperate sinner utterly in desperation for Jesus, and 2.  I will find that in it's place grows something else (a new sin) for which I will not be prepared for.

Both are illogical.  I delude myself into thinking I can somehow attain perfection in this earthly tent (this physical life), especially when it is a particularly dominating, habitual sin, because letting go of such a powerful incrimination in my life does produce a sense of real freedom--and that freedom is often mistaken for bliss.  In this fear it is the lie that suddenly God will be unnecessary to me, and that in itself is innately terrifying.  The latter deludes me to think that the next sin will be something I must handle myself rather than being something Christ has already overcome (indicating a sheer fear of the unknown and incapability on my part).  An ironic dichotomy. 

It will be a responsibility of mine to be prepared only through prayer, fellowship with the body of Christ and the renewing of my mind with the help of the Holy Spirit through scripture.

I have all that I need to outwit, overcome, and obliterate whatever sin that comes my way.  

How? You might ask.

It is by seeing that Jesus is enough for me, and therefore I have the grace to stand down and give Him every battle.  

When I see that Jesus is all I need then Beauty loses it's luster.  Money becomes whatever.  Success is laughable. And Myself, myself is wretched, powerless, hopeless, and doomed to hell if not for the saving grace of Jesus who died and finished the war for my soul.  

I am free to stop thinking of myself, and to begin thinking of others.  

I am free to give generously.

I am free to serve others.

I am free to not get angry when the Starbucks barista gives me a regular latte instead of a soy one.  ;)

Jmegrey

Perfection is found

In Christ, and nothing or no one else. 

So why do we still agonize over it?  Why are we such an anxious and worrying generation? Why do we want our lives to be as perfect as can be with complaining, jealousy, anger, and idolatry?  

Galatians 5:19,20

"Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality,

idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions,"

We sin because we lose sight of Christ and the perfection found only in Him.

Even as Christians I see, especially in myself, this transcendence into sin despite what we know by faith.  We know that God will take care of all our needs, yet we frantically snatch that responsibility from Him and make it ours, quite pathetically too as we can all attest to.  We are programmed to think that how we feel is what we are.  But Christ has said that who we are is not our bodily desires, but in Him we are free.  (Google "in Christ bible verses" if you're too lazy to read the bible about who we are in Christ, and you will find a nice list of Christ-like attributes that should define us by faith and not necessarily by feelings.  

I like days when I wake up, feel refreshed, drink a deep dark roasted cup of coffee, and get into the Word of God.  I start feeling great!  I feel good, good vibes, strong, and slightly on the verge of reaching perfection.  Then I think about sin, my sin, and how history has shown just how fragile I am.  Although I may feel unstoppable and utterly determined to live "perfectly" as a follower of Christ in one moment (as described above) I know all too well how quickly things can change.  I've been in the Pit, as described by David in the psalms, and I am aware that I am incapable of maintaining perfection in this life where sin hangs on to all the different parts of my mind and body.  I am incapable, but He is capable.  Immediately one might think that this means that what one cannot do Christ can, and in a sense that is true.  However, the bigger miracle is often shirked; that being that in Christ whatever happens we remain steadfast in faith, brazenly fixating our mind's eye on Christ as capable to govern as He sees fit while we remain loyal to Him as God.  Now the difficulty of course is that we already want a tangible or visible indication that all will be well if we let God be God, but faith is invisible.  We cannot have faith if we constantly search for something to produce this faith.  The only resource for faith is Jesus, who also happens to be invisible, frustrating, I know!  But it is frustrating because we want faith to be visible, as Thomas did when he said that he would only believe if he saw Jesus for himself.   So therein lies the problem.  Belief.  Belief comes through faith.  If we really absolutely believed in Christ then we would not sin, because in Christ we would be fully satisfied.  Is that true?  If not how would you refute it?  You might say, "well only Jesus is perfect", to which I would agree but Jesus Himself says that in Him we are perfect.  So clearly you and I still sin, does that mean we are not in Christ?  So then what does "in Christ" mean? 

Or perhaps we should first define what "perfect" is.  I would go so far as to simply state the human desire for perfection as the following:

1.  Satisfaction or contentment

2.  Happiness

3.  One's meaningfulness (which is often instated through one's achievements and reached goals)

It would be nice to think that we could have some sort of tranquility between life as a slave to sin and life as a slave to righteousness.  If somehow we could be neither and just be some other "free" thing, but what is freedom?  

1. ability to act freely:a state in which somebody is able to act and live as he or she chooses, without being subject to any undue restraints or restrictions 
2. release from captivity or slavery:release or rescue from being physically bound, or from being confined, enslaved, captured, or imprisoned

Those two definitions seem conflicting to one another.  If one person or country is free by the first definition, then another person or country becomes a slave by the second definition.  If we were all "free" to do whatever we wanted then anarchy would ensue.  If you need examples of this, you can study history or just visit a country where traffic lights and speeding are not regulated.  

But there is no such "freedom" to be found.  It is like asking if one can be half dead and half living.  The human is either slave to sin or slave to righteousness.  We will do things habitually by our own standards, or we will do things habitually by God's standards.  Why then, you might ask, do we even consider there to be a "freedom" from both?  What is that?  I think that's a lie.  I think the enemy will use such ambiguous lies to get us to remain as slaves to him rather than to God, for being a slave to perfection means we are habitually turning perfect...I'm which case such slavery becomes perfect (by the definition given above).  Whereas slavery to sin leads to habitually destructive behaviors until death.  (Sin being the deeds of the flesh such as seenin the Galatians verse above)  

So, to me, it would suffice to say that a slave to sin vs a slave to righteousness is also saying choose death vs life.  

I think it is very helpful to work out these things in your mind in order to understand that a life dedicated to Christ is not the laborious thing you might make it out to be, and the life dedicated to gratifyingly the deeds of the flesh are not as gratifying when seen to the end result: death.  Now of course we all will die, believers and unbelievers alike.  Eventually, whether by old age, accident, sickness, suicide, or murder, all human beings will succumb to biologically ceasing to exist.  No can refute that.  The Christian, however, being a space to righteousness, or choosing life, will have reached their final result of perfection in Christ in eternal Life.  

"Life" being defined as heaven, "heaven" being defined as "forever with God (our loving Father)".

The slave to sin will have reached their final result in death.  "Death" being defined as "hell" and "hell" being defined as "forever with satan (who torments)".

So there are the two choices.

It would be seemingly nice to think there were other options, like reincarnation as a cat or other animal, or maybe going to heaven with 500 lovers at your disposal, or whatever else other religions/beliefs propose.  But go with the one that makes the most sense, because if you were given the capacity to think, then think.  Take whichever option you want to examine, such as Mormonism, and thoroughly trace back the beginning all the way to the end, and if what you find makes more sense in that then by all means take that route.  You only have yourself to blame if you shirk that responsibility.  A genuine faith is propelled by a genuine understanding.  And understanding is..well understanding, haha there is very little room for apathy or laziness in understanding.  

Perhaps it's not as difficult as it may seem.  Perhaps faith propels understanding so we won't have to study for ourselves all the different religions in order to come to the conclusion of choosing Christ.  (Although it just so happens that there are countless theologians throughout history who have done an extensive amount of studying for us to provide theological information as well as personal experiences (their lives) to help us navigate a little more quickly.) 

However, if even that seems too uninteresting, laborious or not motivating then a sure way to narrow your decision is to look at yourself.  I don't mean your appearance in the mirror, but I mean the person on the inside.  Hope is the light in life, it gives us a reason to continue, and for believers that hope is Christ (who is eternal).  For unbelievers that hope may be humanitarianism, wealth, accomplishments, or even charity.  All if which end at death for that unbeliever.  You cannot carry your good deeds into death, and if you think you can then it is a rather ambiguous guess that you rely on. Eternity is not something I really want to bank a guess on, especially my own.  But hey, if you're willing to bank your eternity on an ambiguity, as nice and comforting as it might be, then I sincerely hope you get that, but moreso I fear for you because ambiguity is terribly unstable, unreliable, and completely ....ambiguous! 

So for those who choose to make eternity less ambiguous, I urge you to either gain understanding through external resources, but if not then at least through the internal resource.  Both are equally laborious though.  One is more physical laborious while the other is more mentally laborious.  However, both help to make belief in something more than the fickle feeling it is often resigned to.

(End of long tangent regarding unbelievers; back to perfection in Christ-- speaking to professed "believers")

How does one get faith? 

Romans 10:17

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ."

I want to be free from sin, to change areas in my life that are bad for me, but rather than focusing so much on wanting to be free I am going to start focusing on Christ.  Hearing His words in scripture, which are God-breathed, meaning God spoke them and so they have eternal value as truth, are what Romans 10:17 say will produce faith in me.  

Faith and Waiting

I should have titled this blog "faith and waiting", but I wanted to emphasize that the perfection we all seek (by the definition above) is and can be had in only Christ Jesus, and nothing else.  Perfection being synonymous to "meaning", "happiness", and "contentment".  All of which are fully attained at the coming of Christ, but meanwhile habitualized through faith in this life.  In other words, we practice becoming people who live "in Christ" by looking at Christ, through the lens of faith.  When idols pop up we look at Jesus, when anger arises we look at Jesus, when lust or impurity arises we look at Jesus, when jealousy or envy arises we look at Jesus, because in Him alone are we made perfect, the real perfect without quotations.  

This looking at Jesus takes WAITING.

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. WAIT for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, WAIT for the LORD. 

(Psalms 27:13-14 NASB)

Jmegrey

Upon looking more and more closely at myself I find a very real brokenhearted mess, and a crushed spirit.  However, faith (hearing the word of God) revives me daily and shows me that God is near to me.  My hope is that God would increase my faith as I read His word more and more, and that I begin, by looking at Jesus, to habitually enslave myself, one area at a time, to Him and thus to perfection.  We all long to be perfect, because He is perfect.  

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

(Psalms 34:18 NASB)

This was quite the long thought relaying, but I can honestly say that this is my desperation.  I am compelled by my desperation to write, and that desperation is to know my invisible God more for the sake of my life.  Quite frankly I cannot live without God. 

So here's to faith and waiting for perfection in Christ alone.  

Stayed

And when the minds eye looks up at Christ,

When darkness fades within His light,

Mine eyes doth see, even if small,

The faintest glimpse of heavens all.

And joy does rise from peaceful stills,

Triviality lost to an eternal will

I see so small, and yet so great,

The Lord is good in every trait.

Oh that I would stay here 

Staring at Thee,

Fixed like a child on Father's knee

To listen and watch His words that bow,

Creating new ones, earths in tow.

Oh I am a small blessed one!

Seeing Him now,

Afraid to look away, as I know I shall.

But Lord, Your Spirit is friend in me,

Always reminding me, again, to see

You are God, and You are good, 

By faith most days, teach me to be,

Especially when sin darkens mine eyes to see.

Not by reason,

Not by sense,

Not by fear 

Or recompense,

But utter trust, through uncertainty 

Calmly keep me stayed to Thee.

-jmegrey

habitually realize (more on the Holy Spirit)

Acts 2:17

"And it shall be in the last days, God says, That I will pour forth of my Spirit upon all mankind; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams." 

This sounds weird at first, like what does it mean?? What are prophecies exactly, and what's with the young seeing visions and the old men dreaming dreams?  So if we dream dreams are we old now?  Without going too much into historical context, I think the main idea of this verse is that God does have a Spirit that He pours out upon all mankind.  Not just to Jews or praying Koreans, but on all mankind.  

Before the Holy Spirit was given, God used to speak through prophets in the Old Testament who spoke on God's behalf, like messengers.  People could not hear from God unless a prophet spoke to them from God, and in this way they, as prophets "prophesied".  In other words, they heard God speak and they spoke what they heard.  It doesn't necessarily mean they predicted the future, in fact that was hardly the case, but it was that they spoke the words of God that counseled them, encouraged and reminded them of their identity as God's own people.

So then, when it says: "your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams" we understand that it is no longer needed for a prophet to be designated to hear God's voice for us to know what God is saying.  But that because His very own Spirit is now poured upon us all, we have direct communication, each of us, individually, with God to prophesy, or in other words, we are all now prophets who can hear God's voice and tell others about what He says because we have His Spirit in us.

God says "I will pour forth OF my Spirit, meaning that it is part of His Spirit that pours into us, while He Himself still remains with His Spirit, showing the greatness of just how much He is and how much He has to give us of Himself while still (obviously) remaining God as the Trinity: Father, Son, and Spirit.  In essence we take a piece of God with us wherever we go--not in the fuzzy, romantic metaphorical way, but literally, the Holy Spirit is God in us.  Emmanuel.  

Some unbelievers hesitate to make a decision for Christ because they know it is hard to live a life as a Christian:

                        -the narrow door (Matt 7:13,14)

                        -take up our cross and follow him (Matt 16:24)

…but once you embark upon your life as a believer there is a wide road through that narrow door, and walking on that road is having the freedom of eternity before you.

It is difficult to choose the path less chosen, to take up our cross—an attitude, not an action (since the actual cross has already been taken up by Christ)—and be reminded daily of what that cross represents to us today, now.  We have been set free because of what Christ paid on our behalf.  We are free, but salvation itself was not free, it cost the life of Christ, remember that.  So then it could be assumed that the main difficulty lies not in what we do, since all is finished regarding the means to salvation, but in our attitude.  Christianity becomes difficult because most unbelievers feel it a burden to take on an attitude of gratitude, which takes from them their rights of anything in their lives.  However, gratefulness should set us free from anger, from vanity, from fear, and all sin since all we need is what we have been given: God Himself, in us, the Holy Spirit our seal as adopted children.  Praise God, it is finished!

So how does one begin to change one’s attitude from that of “what about me” to “it’s all about Him”?

Every sin can be traced to that attitude of “what about me”  (life of sin)

Every miracle (impossibly good things) is saying “It’s all about Him”  (life of miracles)

It takes practice and patience, perseverance and repentance, it takes our whole lives.  We live better and better as we walk more and more in the Spirit.  Life does not get more difficult, but our perspective of self shifts from "me" to "Him".

The life of a Christian begins with the Holy Spirit and ends with the Holy Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit empowers us, reminds us of truth, and counsels us with wisdom from God.

He is the answer to our transformation, renewing our thoughts.  

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Rom. 12:2

"It is not the much that you say you believe that shapes your character; it is the little that you habitually realise. Truth professed has no transforming power; truth received and fed upon can revolutionise a man’s whole character." (Roman 12 commentary by Expositions Of Holy Scripture, Alexander MacLaren)

...the little that you habitually realize.  

We are naturally driven by what we see right in front of us, the bills, the people, ourselves in the mirror, etc.  To be mindful of the Holy Spirit takes more than just what we see right in front of us, it takes seeing the unseen, aka: FAITH, over and over and over and over until it is habit.  The Holy Spirit helps us see things clearly, especially ourselves, because if we do not see ourselves clearly we cannot see God clearly either.  C.S. Lewis once wrote: “Just as sunlight, though it has no favorites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as in a clean one. “ 

The REAL body of Christ is broken and sinful, and desperately in need of God.  As one pastor put it: “God uses bad people, because bad people are all there is!” 
Some think Christians are chained to walking around as pilgrims and saints...which if you look around any church closely enough you will soon see a plethora of broken people, far from being on a pilgrimage.  I once wrote a blog that I titled "swamp monsters emerge!", in which I go on to describe my true self as a swamp monster.  Nonetheless I am a loved and forgiven swamp monster with the hope of eternity securely in my heart.  PRAISE GOD!  You might wonder what makes me a swamp monster, and the list would be endless.  I'm selfish, in that I always keep my eye out for the best for myself.  I'm greedy in that I am inclined to take more than what I need.  I'm vain always worrying about my weight, my skin, my clothes, my instagram, i'm impatient- getting angry when things don't go the way I wanted them to, i'm distrusting, i'm critical, i'm skeptical, i'm judgmental, i'm mean, i'm self-righteous, i'm the worst kind of person even in my action of being self critical is bad.  I'm just bad through and through.  Yet, Christ died so that I too would die in my sinful nature, and be resurrected with Him into a new life.  This new life I so desperately desire to live out, but can only do so with the help of the Holy Spirit.  
That is precisely why the Holy Spirit is referred to as OUR HELPER-- because we cannot begin to live out new lives in the Spirit without the help of the Spirit Himself to bring us to the finish line.  Seeing myself clearly shows me just how badly I need the Holy Spirit’s help.

Also, as in all good things in life, living as a christian or as a successful businessperson, a straight A student or a good parent, a loving spouse, or whatever good kind of person you want to be, has it's difficulties.  Life is difficult, yea?  I mean, who here doesn't have any problems in their life, even right now?  Whether your problems are external (like you need a job or help coping with someone at work, money or surgery) or internal (you struggle with depression, loneliness, anxiety, apathy) or most likely you have both like I do!  So it might be more correct to say that most people hesitate to follow God because they think it will be even HARDER than it already is, rather than the tremendous gift and grace it truly is because we receive help.  The Holy Spirit is referred to as our "helper".  Not our tormenter; that is the job of the enemy.

Matthew 15:22
"A Gentile woman who lived there came to him, pleading, "Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! For my daughter is possessed by a demon that torments her severely."

(what possesses you at times?)

John 14:26
"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you." 

The Bottom Line of all that He has said is “You are free”. 
The entire bible culminates and points to Jesus, what He did, what He finished.


Understanding for me came through the clarity of seeing that I now have the grace to believe that though this assault on my life feels like death, moreso even if it does kill me, my faith is in God who resurrects.  Therefore faith gives me the freedom to obey, the freedom to never get offended.  However, it also reveals to me that in some areas I am more in love with my sin (my rights) than with God, and that is one of the most difficult things to see for myself; all the more reason I know more deeply just how much I need God to help me as a desperate person, so desperate that other things begin to fade and all that matters is my freedom from that bondage.  The Helper shows me more clearly why, then I am convicted more strongly, and by grace the faith given me transforms my life.  I am always questioning God’s methods, or my abilities to really act in faith, but yet in the areas that I find I am still in bondage I have not made a real attempt to face such feelings of death with faith in God’s resurrecting power.  I often wonder why, or if i can...and that is where faith becomes a choice.  Very difficult.  Seemingly impossible.  

Oh that He would increase my faith, help my unbelief!

What I can do is make it a habit to realize it is all about Him, and why.

Another day of fighting war.

There are a lot of things I think about.

I worry about having a satisfying and stable career.  (Yet I do quite nothing to get myself to where I want to be.  I quickly become overwhelmed by every possible hindrance.)

I think about what I can do to better myself, be more content.  (Yet I seem to have little consistency in maintaining my good changes.)

I think about marriage and having children.  (But it is so hard to find a decent man who puts God first and has a job.) 

I pray for strength and healing in specific areas of my life.  (I try and try and sometimes when I get it I feel proud, which points to my leaning on my own strength, which is meager.) 

I think about my discomforts, and the possibility of having more discomforts (lack of money, getting older, losing loved ones, getting sick, failing).

I think about my past.

I think about my future.

I think about my present circumstances.  All the good and the bad, but mostly the bad. 

I feel sorry for myself.

I criticize myself.

I have moments of being truly thankful for my life.

I think about what my pursuit is...what am I living for?

And peeling all those thoughts aside, layer by layer...

I find at the core of myself, is a small child crouching in the corner, terrified and lacking faith and clarity, utterly naked with a heart of distrust and skepticism. 

--

Who is that feral looking child?  How did she get there? Where did she come from?  What is it that makes her so frightened as to cry and shiver in a small corner?  What happened to her to make her this way?  

I see photos in the room where she is.  I see she had loving parents and a sweet brother.  I see she traveled extensively and got to see things most people only ever get to see on the television.  I read some of her writings and they are incredibly convicting and beautifully conclusive.  She has many photographs that show she was happy, beautiful, loved.  There are stacks of notes, books she's read, her college degree, certificates, gifts from others, and so many precious trinkets that imply a lovely life, yet she is there crouching in the corner.  Afraid.  Scowling.  She's looking at me with black eyes, swimming with repulsion.  

I am Perspective.

I am seeing everything, including her, and she does not seem to like that.  However, her attention to me quickly fades, and she goes back to crying.  I see her, and I see all that made up her life.  It doesn't make much sense at first, looking at all the things that she had, but the reality is what I see: a terrified and confused little girl crouching in the corner.  This is what happened, and it can be strongly evidenced that all those "good" things in the room did nothing to make this child better.  Or that there possibly something else, some factor not visible at the scene.  But that child is me, and only I know if there is something hidden, and there is not.  There is no background of abuse, no mental disorder, no handicap, there is just me.

And Perspective shows the darkness deep within myself.  That despite having been loved, beautiful, well traveled, educated, and admired, I am but a shivering feral child.  What can be done to help myself, my true self that is there behind so many veils? 

First, I can ask the logical question:

1.  Why am I scared, or what am I afraid of?

I am afraid of so much.  Fear upon fear upon fear, until it is a mountain on top of me.  I vaguely remember of One who gives the power to move mountains.

So much so that it feels like an innate part of my psyche: fear. 

If indeed it is innate to myself then the only way to squash it would be to kill the girl altogether.  Now if I do not believe in the power of God to resurrect, then that would be an incredulous, heinous suggestion.  A murderous, evil idea.  How else can one change that which is natural to them?  Practice? Mental training?  Perhaps, but ultimately death and resurrection will bring about the purest swipe and new life.  

So then I see that sin in me fights to stay alive.  Sin is the little girl crouching in the corner, fearful of what I will do to her, and rightly so. But my own hands quake tremendously.  How can I kill her?  How can I kill myself?  Will I really resurrect?  What if that is the end?  Is it then better to live like so, frightened beyond mobility and filled with a black darkness?  No, indeed not.  I do not want to live in fear.  I want to set all my worth on the hope and belief that if I die to myself, God will resurrect me in Spirit.  

Life in the Spirit is very different than life in captivity to fear.  It's vibrant yet peaceful. Busy yet rewarding.  A war fought with greater confidence.  

First thing is to die, again.  And that's where I'm stuck.  

How do you kill that part of yourself that just gets so annoyed and bothered to the point where you almost lose it?  The other day I walked to Starbucks and ordered an iced soy latte.  Halfway back to my house I took a sip, and to my annoyance it was a regular latte.  I couldn't even drink it (unless I wouldn't mind being gassy all day!)  I was too tired to turn around and walk all the way back, and so I just went home.  The entire way back I kept telling myself that it was ok, it was just a simple mistake that cost me money and time...and I just really wanted a soy latte at that moment!  I didn't get what I wanted, and the war began in my head.  The part of me that is all about my rights and my way, was thwarted, ridiculed, looked down on, and this infuriated me.  I was shocked at myself, at how much something so small could bother me so much!   I remember thinking that I so desperately want to be someone who isn't like that, but rather be one who can give up oneself and not be bothered by anything save lost souls.  Is that possible?  

For others their annoyance may arise when someone cuts them off on the road, a prime example being my brother.  I never understood how he could become that infuriated with something so very possibly accidental, but I am seeing now that at the core of both incidents it is a matter of what we see as something not going the way we wanted it to go.  Our rights as a person were tossed into nonchalance by another, and that is infuriating because we are all about being right.  Others cannot tolerate those that chew with their mouth open because the sound is annoying and their rights to. Hearing what they want to hear are tossed aside.  It could be anything!  For me it was being given a regular lactose latte when I so craved a refreshing and drinkable soy one!  However, such is life.  Things happen, people make mistakes, I make mistakes, but living in the Spirit is a daily dying in order to set our rights aside for the greater right which is in Christ being the judge and avenger.  It sets anger aside and propels us to do the will of God regardless of circumstances.  It gives us a more peaceful life to not be one who can be bothered by injustices done to us, since many such "injustices" will occur and we may begin to question God's judgment.  However, trusting in God so much, in His love for us to give us not just good, but best rather than bad or decent brings us into real relationship with God not our idea of god.      But laying down my rights is scary.  It is being Job who lost family members, home, health, possessions, and even reputation among his friends yet he never changed his view on who God is.  It is being Abraham (or Isaac) who did what looked terrible, yet stood firm in their view of God.  God as God, undeniable, unquestionable, immovable, JUST, and just God, our Master. 

Everyone in scripture who stood firm in their perspective of who God is, even and especially when it made more sense to doubt God, those that remained steadfast were always blessed in the end.  They were angry, they were sad, they had all the emotions one would expect to have given their poor circumstances, but their core remained firm in that they knew God was God and they could not refute that.  When you cannot refute someone it is a genuine understanding that you believe them to be right.  

So how does one begin to know that God is right with an irrefutable understanding?  Only by faith.  

Why then does God ask us to have faith if it is such a difficult thing?  Why can't we just see and believe?  

Because we don't know ourselves as God does. 

The Israelites saw a freaking ocean split, they saw a giant pillar of fire guide them, they saw bread fall from the sky, they saw 10 plagues fall on the Egyptians, yet did they have faith in the desert?  Out of millions only 2 were able to enter into the promise land because only 2 had faith.

So seeing would do very little in helping us to have faith.

Then why doesn't God just give us faith, let us be robots who just have faith.  Then we would not have relationship with Him.  The whole of our existence is that we get to know and love and be loved by God.  Anyone having ever been in any relationship knows that love is not love unless it is a choice.

Where am I going with all this now?  Haha I'm shooting in all sorts of tangential directions.

Back to the little scared girl.

I find that in a moment of trouble, when I stand at that fork in the road that leads to doing it God's way or having it my way, I am utterly quaking with fear.  However I detect that it is not impossible to choose Gods way, even if it means the death of me, since God can resurrect.  So then, I am weak.  I am afraid.  I am looking at what I see rather than having faith (believing what I do not see, seeing irrefutable God).  

Hmmm...

Being content

Thinking about the root of some of my more hard to let go of  sins,
I have found that I struggle with contentment in God alone.

For me, I fear not having enough when I want it, how I want, and if I want it.  Not enough love, not enough money, not enough time, enough good food, enough opportunities, and the list is endless.

You'd think that I wouldn't be that way if God was all I wanted, but apparently upon closer examination of my more habitual fears I find a sense of "what if...".  As in "what if I will not have enough" or "what if I cannot keep what I have" or "what if I will want this later?".  Most of the time the sins I commit are more out of fear, and not out of an actual desire.  Of course there are times when they rage from a potently strong longing (as I'm sure most of you can relate), but for me personally most of the times I am in a state of mental "what if" warfare.   

 

But the only hope of help I have is God, the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit operates on my faith.  How can I give way for the Holy Spirit to lead me when I keep yanking the reigns back from Him in my state of fear?  I must let go completely, and be ok with whatever follows, be it pain, lack or even death (though I know that the opposite will ensue).  If the Holy Spirit says "no, stop that", then I must cease completely no matter how strong I may want to continue in whatever it is I should not be doing.  If the Holy Spirit says "speak up to this person" then I must lay myself aside and speak up even if I will be rejected.  If the Holy Spirit says "give" I must be generous.  If the Holy Spirit says "go" I must drop what I am doing and obey.  If the Holy Spirit says "do this" then I shall do that.  And all the while I must prepare myself by clothing my eyes, ears, hands and mouth with unceasing prayer and the Word of God.  

I don't want to live in fear.

Romans 8:15 says,

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”

I am my Father's daughter, and when I sin it is me forgetting that I am no longer a slave to fear.  The Holy Spirit is in me to remind me of the truth: that I am a child of God.  That He paid for me in full.  It is finished.  I am His. 

Lord, 

Please increase my faith so I may experience more of Your Spirit's leading in my life.  Help me remember who I am in You.  Lead me by still waters, and keep me far from temptation.  May Your will be done in my life.   Thank you.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen. 

Prayer blue

I'm sorry Lord.  I'm so sad by my actions and my neglect of you.  I'm heartbroken by my selfishness and fears that put no trust in your hand upon me.  I keep letting ambiguities and my limitations become real barriers to You, when You bid me come just as I am.  I'm sorry for making a mess of my life, I'm sorry for not doing better.  I'm sorry for not doing perfectly.  I'm sorry that I choose to live by my fleshly desires most of the time rather than by Your Spirit.  I'm sorry for often overlooking the countless blessings you pour into my life.  I'm sorry for being lazy.  I'm sorry for being so fearful.  I'm sorry for wanting comfort over Your presence throughout my day.  Please heal my body, my mind, and my heart so that all that I am would thirst only for You.   Lord, I don't always feel the joy and the peace that is mentioned in Your word, but help me to have more of it in my life.  Teach and counsel me with whatever I do so that I may walk with you wherever I go.  Help me to be more courageous in loving others.  Help me to be confident in my identity in You.  Remind me every second of You.  Teach me to walk in the Spirit.  

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.