Devotional morning: My part + God's part

Yesterday I had a mental meltdown where my insides and outsides were not integrated but rather very disintegrated.  What I knew was far from what I felt.  And this chasm loomed before me.  All from the trigger of one paper I need to write for my favorite theology class.  Seriously.  You can laugh, but my soul was on the verge of hell.  Because it wasn't the trigger (the paper) but it was me...the paper was just a small litmus test for the real me exposed.  My thoughts went like this:

Nothing will describe my reality 

of pressure in this moment-- I feel an immense fear of impending doom. It is more than allowing for the idea that  "I may fail the class", because even when I see that truth I also see that that isn't the fear....it's something deeper.

It is so deeply interconnected and integrated with who I am in everything.  It's me...all of me hinging on this on paper, this class, this one decision. 

 

-Shame gripped my eternity, and I could not bear it Lord! Were You there still loving me?-

It was not about failing one class (because I felt utterly unprepared and ill-equipped to write this paper), but it was about my future.  

My ability--my will to choose good over bad for forever.  I could not hold that weight--I could not be good forever or even for one day!  I found myself thinking that one failure was connected to a future of forever failures because if I make one bad decision it means there is something bad in me causing me to make bad decisions.  If in me is good then out of me would flow good, like an apple tree that produces only apples, but if in me is bad then out of me would produce bad.  

I couldn't grasp being a sinner and saved in this moment.  

So the moment I see one bad is the moment I freak out because it means in me is bad!  It's still there!  The fruit or the outcome is before my very eyes!  I am still so bad.  Or the thought of failure in life makes me bad.  But does failure make a sinner unsaved?  It depends...there is a failure that does make us unsaved.  There is a failure that does not make us unsaved.  

"For know and recognize this: 

Every sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God. 

Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for God’s wrath is coming on the disobedient because of these things.”

Ephesians 5:5-6

Failing a paper or a class or school does not fall into the kind of failure that is unsaved.  I am still learning to discern between failure that is allowed and failure that is actually not allowed!  Knowing the difference between one failure and another failure is important because in this life we will fail at things, but one thing we must not fail in is to know Christ and be loved by Him.  Failure on our part is fine, failure to give God His part is not fine.  We will fail, but we must not think He will fail- even while we do! 

It was about me being a really inadequate person with a shameful will, powerless by the years of bad habits and self-sufficiency. 

It may have been like a domino effect like this: 

Fail class

Fail school 

Fail youth ministry 

Fail growing 

Fail at joy and happiness

Enter suffering and pain 

Be forever damaged

Ruined. 

God was nowhere to be found in that thought process. 

--

So this morning I was brought to Ephesians.  The question on my heart was "what is MY PART and what is God's PART?"

“one God and Father of all, 

who is above all 

and through all 

and in all.”

Ephesians 4:6

“From Him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building up itself in love by the proper working of each individual part.”

Ephesians 4:16 

-What is my proper work?  If I begin to fail at something, should I face the possibility that perhaps I was made to work on another thing?  What have You called me to Lord?  I don't want to keep doing what I think I need to do (studying, preaching, leadership, etc) but I want to do what You created me in the One body to do.  Help me see this proper working and to let go of my projects.  Help me to let go of my stupid projects.-

“You took off your former way of life, 

the old self that is corrupted by deceitful desires; 

you are being renewed in the spirit of your minds; 

you put on the new self, 

the one created according to God’s likeness in righteousness and purity of the truth.

-I took off--this was my part.  And yes, I feel the sudden presence of my old deceitful desires that tell me if I don't have them I will be ruined!  I take them off in a time like this, but they get back to me, so how do I keep them off?  I am being renewed by You through the spirit of my mind.  My thoughts seem weak in the moment though.  How do I put on the new self when it slips off like water?  I do this--I put ON THE NEW SELF, but how?  Is it as simple as picking Your righteousness up and putting it on as a child would when she receives a gift of a dress?- 

"And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. 

You were sealed by Him for the day of redemption.”

Ephesians 4:22-24, 30

-I feed the Spirit in me, but how? My part is just to not grieve Him, but God has sealed me by Him.  The future is sealed by God, all I do is not grieve Him...so I need to discern between what grieves Him and what does NOT grieve Him.  My failures in school or in the youth ministry might not be grieving Him as they feel to be grieving me, yet my disobedience and anxiety may grieve Him even though they do not grieve me.-

“For know and recognize this: 

Every sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God. 

Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for God’s wrath is coming on the disobedient because of these things.”

Ephesians 5:5-6

-If good rewards are meant to encourage one to obey then bad punishments are meant to keep one from disobeying.  Know and recognize the reward from the punishment.  What about my part?  I cannot do a paper sometimes or breathe or please people who contact me or sit still without getting anxious or take one step out of the house because I don't know.  I don't know.  But teach me to know and to recognize the difference between the true reward and the real punishment that are connected to obedience and disobedience.  I want to be encouraged to obey and discouraged from disobeying.  My disobedience is so strong, so Lord break me and mold me at Your will, for my good and for Your glory.  And through it all, above all, in all-be ever near to me so that the flames of hell that come close will not scorch me.-

“Everything exposed by the light is made clear, for what makes everything clear is light. 

Therefore it is said: 

Get up, sleeper, 

and rise up from the dead, 

and the Messiah will shine on you.”

Ephesians 5:13-14

-Get up! I get up and You shine on me, 

my Messiah.  

My part is to get up, 

Your part is to shine on me 

as the light that exposes everything making everything become clear to me.  No more confusion when I get up, no more darkness when I get up, and no more sleep when I get up!  Then You shine Your light that exposes me and shows me truth from lie within me so that I may clearly see which way I am to go.  You lead me by Your light and I simply get up to have it shine on me to make everything clear.  I get up.-

“submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.”

Ephesians 5:21

-People.  People are a bit strange to connect with from the deep place of my heart.  They yank and they pull, they shove and they push, they spit and they crush--yet through all these motions I am called to submit my heart to such beatings?  It's no wonder it feels like death, because my heart is my control room and if someone untrustworthy is allowed in there then it could ruin my entire little kingdom of "me."  Unless, You're in there.  You've taken over the control room so that by letting all inside I am showing others who is a great and perfect King.  A great and perfect engineer at the control room.  I show others that it is You who knows how to reign better than anyone else, protect better than I ever could, and invite more for the joy of being one with all of God's children.  When You are in my control room, my heart/my will, then when I let others in I wait with them to watch You work....I wait for Yahweh and His will to be done.-

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 

This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

Ephesians 5:31-32

-To be joined to Christ as two becoming one flesh sounds strange but beautiful.  Christ and the church will become one flesh?  How will that be?  Will we still have individual bodies in heaven?  What does that mean for me now?  Am I being formed to become the bride of Christ as an individual in the church?  Are you preparing me for You?  So many questions because I've never experienced marriage yet, though I know what it is to long for it.  Perhaps I am being formed in the longing of Christ as my husband, but it is hard because I see how adulterous I am like Hosea's prostitute Gomer.  Yet Hosea always went back for her because God told him too, and Christ finds me again and again after I've left Him for other things I desire, because God's will is stronger than my sickness.- 

“Don’t work only while being watched, in order to please men, but as slaves of Christ, do God’s will from your heart. 

Serve with a good attitude, 

as to the Lord and not to men, 

knowing that whatever good each one does, slave or free, 

he will receive this back from the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:6-8

-I forget that the disciples were martyred for Jesus.  I forget to think: "would I be okay dying for Christ in this?"  And all my attention goes to how I might be ruined because of this rather than how there is nothing more ruinous than to leave the love and grace and gift of life by Christ!  Father You see everything.  Help me see You seeing me.  I want to walk in the truth of what is good being good back to me and what is bad being bad back to me, so keep my eyes on You because You see me.  I am a slave for Christ--a shameful one, but a slave nonetheless who has been covered by the blood of Jesus.  Help me to do Your will from my heart/my will, and not just from my body or my mind.  But from my heart.  When my body lacks help my mind to bring it back to You, and when my mind lacks help my body bring it back to You, as I surrender my will (my control room) to You and wait for Yahweh.-

“Finally, be strengthened by the Lord 

and by His vast strength. 

Put on the full armor of God 

so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. 

For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.”

Ephesians 6:10-12

-It is His strength, that is His part!  My part is not to be strong but to PUT ON.  Once I do my part of putting on His vast strength then I CAN stand against the tactics of that deceptive devil.  I PUT ON, and God is my strength.  How do I put on?  Just like Woooop...? Put it on.  Putting clothes on do not mean I will look good, but I can easily put on clothes, however if I want to look good I have to think more deeply about what I have and what will match or fit right.  But putting on clothes is not hindered by anything when it's just putting on clothes.  So perhaps I put on the armor of God without thinking how it will work or if it will fit or what might happen afterwards...I just put it on and the rest is God's part.-

Heart check

I forget how vaporous my existence is in life on earth.  Yet, life is precious because it is so fragile.  The more extinct I become the more I see the thread of eternity like a spider's web across my vision.  A glint of soul shows on the inhales of quietness. 

I am moved by the simple notion of comfort, but I don't mean the kind of comfort that comes from money or sleep or even joy.  There is a profoundly deep comfort in true friendship that carries the worst of me away, far away, and that in itself is a kind of comfort of being left with goodness.  

The moment I begin to try is the moment I begin failing to live.  Trying seems to equate with dying, but in letting go I find freedom in the needs that go beyond what my trying could ever attain.  Freedom in that I am not alone in what I hope to one day achieve, and that is perfect and complete blessedness with love.  

Sounds of an epic story fill the chambers of my mind with visions of the Kingdom.  A place much grander than what my current bones could behold, a place made of purest holiness.  Taken into the fold of that place for eight measures more.  The songs I hear from the saints today bring me tears of awe and anticipation for the promises held in eternity. 

The low rumble of uncertainty and fear lie crouching at the door of my heart.  Ready to barge in and destroy the place!  But there is a well of living water that never stops reminding me that no matter how bad things get inside of me, there is One who dwells there within me who is more powerful than any intruder.  What the enemy steals, kills or destroys, the Spirit simply reproduces, resurrects, and renews-- just like that.  

Though this life is all depending and entertained with Time, it does not mean that eternity will be the same.  Eternity will not have a dependency on Time the way this life does, so it is good to consider how much importance we place on such a temporary thing as Time.  Time belongs to God just as any other created thing like money, trees, people, and stars.  So there is a good and a corrupt way for handling Time just as there is a good or corrupt way for stewarding money, relationships, the environment and so forth.  Time is something to be stewarded in such a way that it does not give rise to fear or anxiety but rather to the praise and adoration of who God is.  Time, or how much we have of it, should make our hearts full of wonder for all that God shows us through it.

Oh my.  My little heart.  So full of things much too big for it to comprehend.  So wandering and so blind.  So deep and so easily deceived.  So frail and yet so brazen at times!  My heart is such a well.  It is here at the well that I meet with the Savior of the world. 

Jmegrey

 

Come out of hiding

John 4: introducing Jesus THE GOSPEL

The crack in the habit meets with running water. It reveals the crack even more!  

The white lie:

“Go call your husband,” He told her, 

"and come back here.” 

"I don’t have a husband,” she answered. 

"You have correctly said, ‘I don’t have a husband,’ ” Jesus said. 

“For you’ve had five husbands, 

and the man you now have is not your husband. 

What you have said is true.”

John 4:16-18

Jesus is all about the truth in entirety.  The whole truth, not just the part of truth that sits well with your image, but especially the part that doesn't.  

The crack in the back.  

The hole at the bottom.  

The bad habit that's hidden. 

Jesus goes straight for the most vulnerable part of you, your brokenness.  The part about you that you try to hide from everyone including God. 

One of the most awkward moments in life is when you're caught in your lie.  All the evidence is laid out and it's clear that you just lied.  Flat out lied, whether that was a white lie that was pretending to be something it was not or just a lie about something that was not the truth at all.   (Like did you do this, no --when really you did)

Whatever kind of lie it was, when it comes up in the room by another person, it's hella awkward.  Like why did you do that?  (Facial expressions of a kid caught in a lie) haha. 

If you ask kids why they lied they're usually silent.  Or they'll follow it up with ANOTHER LIE!!  but sometimes a kid will just confess that they did it, and it felt good to hit Esther across the face and take her bag.  It felt so good!!! Cuz they think Esther is a brat and they liked the bag she had.  

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!!! The monster is unleashed.  Not created, unleashed...meaning it was always there on the inside, hidden from everyone for fear of judgmental eyes, but once the beast just steps out, there's no more hiding. 

Hello world! The lie is owned, the monster is them. 

No more hiding. 

Now for the kids that remain silent or follow up with another lie or even confess in a way as to try and convince the person that it was "an accident" or a slip up from your usual well-behaving nature....the lie is more like a separate entity.  Like the kid who tattle tales on you. Rats you out.  You hate that kid.  That's how this lie is treated.  It's unowned.  It's beside you not inside you.  And they figure out ways to keep this "kid" or this "monster" better hidden for future protection from being found out.  They go into deeper hiding. 

Slavery.  They work all their lives covering and defending the locked part of their heart where the monster lives.  Just so no one will see the real truth about what's inside.  

Jesus came to seek and save the lost, because a person who is hiding has yet to be found.  Jesus finds His own in the hidden places.  We meet God at Rock bottom, because that's the place where He shows us who is Savior.  

---

When you or I lie or live a lie so that others think some thing about us that we want them to or so that others will not think of us the way we don't want them to the question from Jesus is simply:

Why did you feel like you had to try and trick me or others into believing something about you that is not true?  

Because then no one would love me.

No one would like me.

I'd be seen as a monster. 

My disgusting habits will be exposed and reveal that I'm disgusting. 

It's awkward because it reveals that we were hiding something bad about us.  Why else would you lie?  We don't try and hide our good side.  We try and hide our cracked side.  

And the monster starts peeping.

Jesus converses with monsters because that's who He came to save.  

THE GOSPEL:

Jesus came to seek and save the lost.  He exposes this woman's lifestyle of guilt causing shame.  Guilt is feeling bad for something you did, shame is feeling bad for someone you are (a monster who does bad things repeatedly because that's what monster are--bad).

This woman lives in her shame because she is addicted to attention from men, but who can blame her, all the women hate her because she's "loose" and a woman of five husbands even in this day and age doesn't have a great reputation among their peers.  It looks....bad.  So she lives in the definition that others give her based on her choices.  How can she not?  She made the choice, and so she's paying the consequences.  We are so quick to judge, and yet so merciful when it comes to our own bad choices. 

Bad choices.  

What do we do with them?  

Only 2 ways to handle them:

1. Don't own it.  

Try to ignore them and act like you were only doing what you could do at that time, so it's not your fault.  Or add more lies as an aversion. You were forced by circumstances, you were over emotional, you were scared, you were bored and couldn't stand it....whatever your reasons are...that's one way we look at bad choices of ours. To hide it as if it wasn't ours.  To not own it. 

2. Own it.  

You are that disgusting monster.  People will eventually figure it out because lies breed lies. Never once was truth able to be born from a lie (an apple tree will never once produce oranges.)  you can wishful think your way into some twisted and confusing logic that maybe if I paint these apples orange people won't notice or eventually they may even turn into actual oranges, but the truth is very thorough, they will not ever be oranges until you own that the tree is an apple one.  

The diversion tactic: 

“Sir,” the woman replied, “I see that You are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, yet you Jews say that the place to worship is in Jerusalem.” 

How many of us have used this tactic before?? You get caught in a lie and you make up some diversion to get the focus off of your lie and onto something else?   The diversion just makes it even more awkward because now you've got the evidence smeared over your face and you're trying to have small talk.  

Jesus told her, “Believe Me, woman, 

an hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know. We worship what we do know, because salvation is from the Jews. 

But an hour is coming, 

and is now here, 

when the true worshipers 

will worship the Father 

in spirit and truth. 

Yes, the Father wants such people to worship Him. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” 

The woman said to Him, “I know that Messiah is coming” (who is called Christ ). “When He comes, He will explain everything to us.” 

"I am He,” Jesus told her, 

“the One speaking to you.”

John 4:19-26

Freedom gets rid of your facade: 

“Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did! Could this be the Messiah? ” 

They left the town and made their way to Him.”

John 4:29-30

She speaks up.  She's brave now.  People are attracted to bravery.  It's beautiful because it's bold and fearless.  Here's this woman who was shunned and shamed by her community now urging everyone to take her word!  A liar turned true!  

“The disciples said to one another, “Could someone have brought Him something to eat? ” “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to finish His work,” Jesus told them.”

John 4:33-34

I ate the the sweet will of God in meeting this woman and setting her free from a life of hiding!

The will of God begins with Jesus, and it's a pay it forward kind of chain reaction:

“Don’t you say, ‘There are still four more months, then comes the harvest’? Listen to what I’m telling you: Open your eyes and look at the fields, for they are ready for harvest. The reaper is already receiving pay and gathering fruit for eternal life, 

--the woman gathered the town!--

so the sower and reaper can rejoice together. 

For in this case the saying is true: ‘One sows and another reaps.’ I sent you to reap what you didn’t labor for; others have labored, and you have benefited from their labor.”

--or you have now entered into their labor--

John 4:35-38

(Examples: Behind the scenes of planning an event for the youth ministry or any ministry)

You have learned love from someone who has loved you, likewise you are also sowers in the lives of those you love who will reap that and benefit from your labor, and in this way both sower and reaper rejoice together.  For all of us received the love of God first, and give to others what we didn't work for.  Did you die on the cross for your freedom from your sins that heaped guilt and shame inside of you?  No, Jesus did!  But you benefitted from His death, and so you give to others what someone else gave you.  

“Now many Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of what the woman said when she testified, “He told me everything I ever did.”

John 4:39

Who brought people to Christ?  The monster! 

The monster was exposed and the voice of the true her was more compelling than all the veils she hid behind trying to be someone she was not --and never getting that kind of response from the people around her.  They all knew.  She was only enslaving herself. But once the monster was out and she realized that Jesus loved her as she was and came to save her from a life of shame and guilt the people listened to her. 

“And they told the woman, “We no longer believe because of what you said, for we have heard for ourselves and know that this really is the Savior of the world.””

John 4:42

Salvation came to an entire town, but it started with one ashamed and guilty woman.  The most effective person for the kingdom of God is a true one.  All it takes is one person who is true to make a difference, and to be true means that there are no secrets.  Everything is exposed and you are who you are down to the worst part.  Jesus uses broken people because there is no one who is not broken until they meet the Savior of the world! 

The second miracle was exposing our level of faith:

“Jesus told him, 

“Unless you people see signs and wonders, 

you will not believe.” 

"Sir,” the official said to Him, 

“come down before my boy dies! ” 

"Go,” Jesus told him, “your son will live.” 

The man believed what Jesus said 

to him and departed.”

John 4:48-50

--I don't know but maybe this man didn't believe what Jesus said about his son living, Maybe the man believed that he needed to see a sign or wonder in order to believe.  Or if he did believe that his son would live it was 

not a belief of trust, 

but a belief of hope. 

“The father realized this was the very hour at which Jesus had told him, “Your son will live.” Then he himself believed, along with his whole household.”

John 4:53

This was a belief of trust.  The belief that saved his soul and the souls of his entire household.

“This, therefore, was the second sign Jesus performed after He came from Judea to Galilee.”

John 4:54

You want a sign, there you go.  But that isn't faith, that's hope.  Hope leading to trust, which is faith leading to love.  Faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.  

How many of us think that if we see a sign or miracle it will be easier to believe? I do.  If I experience a miracle I believe in Jesus more.  And Jesus still performs miracles today.  One of which is me and my testimony, but that's for another time. 

Unless we SEE...we will have a hard time believing with trust. 

Faith is believing in what is not seen with hope and trust. 

Perhaps Jesus is showing us that believing there is hope can lead to believing we can trust. 

The area where hope is lost is an area where faith is hindered and trust is unattainable. 

Is there an area of your life where you have lost hope?

"I'll never change here."

"I'll never redeem myself in this area."

"I'll never be healed in this area."

"I'll never get back what I lost back then."

"This situation will never change."

"That situation will never change."

Etc...

Jesus has arrived and He is saying: 

Ahem.

"I am He,” Jesus told her, 

“the One speaking to you.”

John 4:26

My food is to do the will of Him who SENT ME.

This doesn't mean Jesus will do what you want Him to, because we might think that He did that for the royal centurion, but looking closer at the passage it leads to him and his household believing in Jesus for eternal life.  

That kid might not have died now, but eventually the kid will die.  That sign will be done and gone forever.  

But the greater gift is that which Jesus gave to them, through the use of a temporary sign, which is eternal life.  

Don't focus so much on the sign or wonder and miss out on the real gift which is eternal life.   

I'm the Savior of the World.  The One you have been waiting and hoping for to make right all those wrongs.  

What was lost is now found.  

What was enslaved is now free.  

What was broken is now mended and whole.  

What was dead is now alive. 

That's just who He is.  

His death for your life. 

Come out of hiding, 

and put your hope in the Savior of the world. 

Jmegrey

The most important decision

The most important decision you will have to make in your life that will influence and guide all of your other  decisions is this: 

Who do you give your allegiance to?  

Basically it means that you choose this day whom you will serve.  Everyone serves something or someone, otherwise we would be unable to exist.  We were made for worship.  This was meant so that we would enjoy God forever, but when sin entered humanity our connection to God became separated and our craving for worship went in all kinds of broken directions.  Worship of self-image, worship of money, worship of beauty, etc.  So when Christ died on the cross, He reconnected us to God, making a way back to our true connection of worship.  He made a way for us to be complete again.  However, worship is also a choice because it implies affection.  Choose this day whom you will serve is also another way of saying choose this day whom you will love.  

The one who holds your allegiance will also hold your obedience.  

The other day I was driving and I accidentally cut a guy off on the road and he followed me all the way into the trader Joe's parking lot!  Right away, my pride kicked in (feeling "how dare he try to make such a big deal of my mistake or try to intimidate me!") and I took my sweet time to drive v e r y slowly and then even stopped at one point to look at my phone until he finally drove up next to me, and I gave him a nonchalant gaze to show him that I was oblivious to his existence.  As he made some wildly angry hand motions and his face was heated I just smiled condescendingly because he looked silly and I wanted him to know that that's what I thought of him.  Then he drove off.  Immediately (and during) something felt so off in me.  But it all happened so quickly that I had reacted naturally, rather than responded intentionally.  God showed me how prideful I still am when my faults are flung at me.  Instead of humbly apologizing I resisted the call to humility and acted on the idol of self-glory.  An idol that has brought me nothing but disappointment, loneliness, and destruction.  I wish I could rewind that scene and pull over to that guy and apologize for cutting him off.  That's all I had to do.  Lesson learned though, and perhaps God brought me to that in order to teach me the reality of how sudden moments will occur where we don't have an hour to think about what we will say or do, we have a few seconds to decide....

If your allegiance is to the one true King you are a warrior not just in outward dress of conduct but one inwardly.  Your loyalty is with Him at all times no matter what the enemy might tempt you with.  Whether with torture (eps against your pride) or wealth, a person who has made up his or her mind of where their allegiance is, remains undeterred in their inner person, their character.  Allegiance is so much deeper than mere association.  It is a bond of love for the one you serve who possesses what is good, right, and true.  

"If you decide that it’s a bad thing to worship God, then choose a god you’d rather serve—and do it today. 

Choose one of the gods your ancestors worshiped..., or one of the gods (on whose land you’re now living.) 

As for me and my family, we’ll worship God."

Joshua 24:15 (MSG, condensed)

Choose this day whom you will serve. 

As for me...

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”

John 3:30

My allegiance is to the Lord.  

And grace, the response I get from God when I am found with treason, changes my traitor heart into devoted.  

Jmegrey 

It's exactly what you think it is

I think life is just harder for me than it is for other "normal" people who at least fall within a bell curve of what that is.  For me, it feels harder, it feels as if I have to try extra hard to find peace of mind.  I can't rely on ignorance because the only way I find peace is by thinking.  I have anxiety when I don't know and anxiety when I do know, and so there is this deeper craving for knowing "beyond knowing."

I crave integration with observation.  Maybe this is another way of saying I wish I did what I knew and I knew what I did.  But I don't.  And not knowing makes it hard for me to find balance...because I think my balance is in integration.  Everything is connected and so everything has a purpose.  Therefore when one thing is "broken" is wreaks havoc in my mind.  Because that one thing starts a chain reaction of brokenness in my mind that makes all of me completely ruined.  In pieces.  Life feels like a row of dominos and every new piece of knowledge gets added to the line.  The longer the line the more fascinated I am at how vast and amazing life is, but somewhere along the line a piece falls over and ruins everything...I'm left having to pick up all the parts again and the process is daunting.  There are 15 million pieces or more and every time they get knocked over, it's as if what once fascinated me is now trash.  

I find the frailty in the fallen millions of pieces.  I get to re-building and start to see my peace and confidence grow again as I take each piece and put it aright.  During that time (picking up the pieces) I find more pieces there than I remember and this new discovery excites me.  It's as if I don't have to really be disappointed in the wreck because I've been rewarded the treasure of more!  My life domino has grown into an intricate design that mesmerizes me....but one little push and the whole thing falls back down.

That's how I feel.  Or maybe it's more like I just feel like sadness and instability are genetically more present in me than in most people.  I don't take any medication, although I have seriously questioned the wisdom in that, but my dad was a doctor and said I should wait it out in case it was just "all in my head."  

That's the weird thing about all this, and about life in general...it's all in our ....invisible area.  Our "personhood."  Our character, personality, or whatever you want to call it.  Who we are is invisible...just like God.  I suppose it could be what He meant when He said "let Us make man in our image." (Gen. 1:26), or at least part of what He meant.  Jesus was not invisible, yet when Jesus is mentioned it says that He took on our flesh (John 1:14).  "The Word became flesh..." So our visibility seems to be separated from the part about us that bears God's image.  

Otherwise maybe it would have said He just came down.  But Jesus took on something that was never who He was from eternity, and that was a body...human visibility, tangibility. 

But He still carried the same image we had.  Which was His invisible part.  

You know what else is crazy?  The mind is part about us that we have no limit.  God is limitless.  

Yet we assume to be God when we think that our minds can reach a level of certainty sufficient to satisfy us.  It's not that we can't know, but it's that we refuse to believe. 

Many times I have thought to myself: 

"what if what I'm believing is wrong?"  

I would often think: 

"what if what I think is right is actually wrong?"

Now that sounds innocent enough, even "open-minded," but the poison beneath that is a desire for a level of certainty that only someone who knows the end of all things can know.  So why in the world would anyone be so adamant on getting their hands around such an impossibility as omniscience? 

Two things come to mind:

1. It mattered because being wrong or right has consequences.  

2. Being made in the image (and not the exact substance) of God I think we are constantly mirroring what we see of our Father, and since God seems to know a lot we have a hunger to as well.  

Now the thing revealing about that is that WE LIVE WHAT WE BELIEVE.  Because our thoughts are our invisible person, our inner man, our personality and our character.  We are what we think.  Regardless of that being right or wrong, we bring on our own circumstances by our being who we believe to be--not on the outside, but on the inside.  The beliefs we hold on to will be what shape our view of the world.  Now someone can have "different" beliefs that are opposite to another person, but that doesn't invalidate that they are seeing the world in their view.  In other words, it's not about a "wrong" or "right" view, but about a good or bad view.  

Bad view= bad world

Good view= good world

This is where the power of positivism gets its popularity in the media and best-selling authors.  But having a "good" view without God is like having to drink water again every morning in order to be filled.  It will last until either water runs out or something happens (like your water purifier breaks or you get into an accident and lose your ability to swallow or whatever.  It requires your effort in world to continue holding on to the good view, and you might be able to hold onto it for almost all your life!  But there is an inevitable day when your ability to hold on to your "good view=good world" will collapse.  When self-ability runs out, so does your world.  

Now take that a step further:

Self-as-God = self-destined life 

(you could make yourself a good or bad kind of god-person with a really good or really bad life)

God as one true God = God's destined life

This means that the Person who holds your worldview in life, meaning you adopt all the beliefs given to you (since they are GIVEN that obviously means they are not inherent in you--meaning, these beliefs are not originally yours!  So having pushback from your own views should be expected.) Taking on God's worldview means you take His beliefs and His thoughts and receive them as a gift for how to view the world over your original or self-made ones.  It's like being brainwashed in the sense that what you are thinking is not your own, but the difference is that being brainwashed implies coercion or force...or lack of choice.  Also brainwashed people probably don't experience pushback because their brains are mush.  There is no "them" in there is their brain is washed.  Having God's worldview is not brainwash in that sense because you are still very much present.  You are making a choice and choosing God's views over your own.  It is not brainwash, it is freely choosing what to put in your brain very intentionally...no mush.  

As mentioned, your beliefs are your world and essentially are you.  We are what we think until we are no longer able to think ...whether that's death or a state of vegetation.  (Which puts me on a rabbit trail thought that mentally handicapped people are probably more willing to have a God-view because they must be most aware inwardly of their inability to view life in a "good" way because of their handicaps.  And maybe people who get struck with amnesia or Alzheimer's or put into a coma or vegetation state in actuality "leave this life" more truly than death would appear to show.)  Anyways...

So subsequently, the person who holds your worldview (whether that's you or your mom or God) holds your life, and this is also the person who holds your life for as long as it is possible--since worldview holder also holds destiny.

Since God cannot die, I just assume that means never.   I could be wrong, but if God cannot die, even though we can, then it at least shows that having His worldview includes having His lifespan. 

I just scrolled up to the opening paragraph of this post and I chuckle because all that came from a broken belief.  A belief that was my own.  I wrote: 

"I think life is just harder for me than it is for other "normal" people who at least fall within a bell curve of what that is."

I even made it sound REASONABLE or well-constructed and thought out.  Because thinkers are more likely to be right, right?  That's a passive way of saying "because thinkers are more likely to make better gods." Not right if there is only One true God.  But possibly right if there is no God, but then you're still left with the weight of the world on your shoulders.  And geez, that's a lot to carry!  

You might think: 

"but I can't help that I think this way..." 

Of course you can't!  Because it's you.  It's your beliefs inherent in you.  That will always be there for as long as you exist in the way you do now.  Although the moment we think of something perceptibly "good", like this post, it's easy to think "this was MEEE!!!" Hahaha.   

The question is can you grab hold of what God says know what He thinks, and if you own a bible then the answer is yes.  The bible is full of what God says and you're more than welcome to it.  You can learn God's worldview and make it your own, the way you pretty much make any new thing your own, by owning it.  You make it your own and it's yours! This gift of God's worldview is the gift of receiving God Himself!  Take on His worldview which includes the centrality of belief in Jesus and you take Him.  He will hold your life better and longer than you can.  

"Do not be conformed to this age, 

but be transformed 

by the renewing of your mind, 

so that you may discern 

what is the good, pleasing, 

and perfect will of God."

-Romans 12:2 

So the only conversation I would be interested in now is about those who don't have access to a bible or are absolutely unable to read one ...maybe they are feral or locked up in a room, or they don't have a translation in their language.  What about them?  Which is atrocious!  How could anyone have the cruel audacity to block someone from having the life of God?  How?  I mean, I am one of them.  How because we are broken pieces and only when we leave the pieces as they are, fallen, can we see God standing there offering us entrance into something way beyond a length of dominos.  

Adam was like the first domino who screwed us all up (though we couldn't have done any better) and Jesus was like the last domino.  

When He got knocked over by all of us, God picked Him up to show us "It is finished."

Indeed it is finished means more than "hallelujah I'm saved!"  It means we can leave ourselves broken in order for God to pick us up and carry our lives for as long as He has the ability to.  We leave ourselves to His discretion.  If He moves us left we go left, if He moves us right we go right.  If He places an obstacle in front of us then it is no longer an obstacle but an experience.  Where He moves we move, and what He does we do, but we never move the pieces themselves.  We continually agree with God wherever He goes.  We take on His worldview. 

From one helpless domino to another, 

Look, God is in the room.

Stop messing with His dominos.  Stay down.  Haha.  When you get up you mess with everyone's life getting knocked over again the moment things get out of hand for you.  Let Him carry you in this life and beyond death.  And know that there will, for as long as we are dominos (alive in this world), there will always be a number of others who will continue to wreck the line. 

When your thoughts are not God's thoughts, and the heaviness weighs down on you because you see the connectedness of it all, stand down domino.  In doing so hopefully it will be one last wreckage, and hopefully you will stay down.  

And then there's grace....

To be continued,

Jmegrey

Refueling love

There are days in my ministry when I feel devoid of that love that once overflowed from me to others.  I mean it sometimes feels like an "on and off" switch.  When it's "off" I feel on edge and extremely stressed out because I am scraping for something to hold on to while internally I'm decomposing--all the while trying to hold it together on the outside.  Perhaps it has a lot to do with my image but even when I am convinced that no one actually cares about my image, I'm still left dry heaving something that I so badly want to be turned into rivers of living water.  Those are the days when I am flat out broke.  I have nothing in me to give, which then makes ministry extremely stressful.  I'm like running on fumes and if you've ever been at the "empty" light on your car's gas tank you know the feeling I'm talking about.  A feeling of impending disaster.  

In other words, when there is no love of God in me I am less able to love others well.  So how does this happen.  And how can we "refuel" our souls with more love from God? 

I found great advice from John, the beloved apostle of Jesus, about this very dilemma. 

You see, we all have our idea of what love is or feels like, and that may be true or it may be false.  Some think love is doing lots of sacrificial things or spending time or touching/hugging affectionately or giving gifts, or any of the five languages of love.  However, languages of love cannot be love itself.  It is a means of speaking love, but it is not actually love.   That's why it's called a language of love.  

With that in mind, you could have all the dialects of love down, but you don't have the actual substance with which it will be lavished upon the person you "speak" love to.  Because having a straw doesn't mean there will be something to drink.  It is only the means of recieving a drink, but the straw is never the drink itself.  

So you know HOW to love, but you cannot love without Love itself. 

When God feels distant what do we do when we have a bunch of "straws" or "dialects" for love?  Don't lose hope, because John has a word to bring you (and me) back to Life. 

“Little children, 

we must not love with word or speech,

 but with truth and action. 

--there are countless ways that God exhorts us to love others (serving, forgiving, being patient, giving money, showing mercy, showing hospitality, confessing sins with, not holding a grudge, carrying each others' burdens, encouraging, being kind, not envying or boasting, not giving up, etc). All of these are practical ways of loving because they involve our time, money, energy and sometimes are paired with our words.  But they are PRACTICES of the truth that we want so badly to believe in more regardless of whether we actually do or not.  The reality may be that you're "faking it to make it" but only you know if at the root of that is a desire to eventually "make it" to the place where it becomes real rather than faking it to please others or cover and hide your own guilt and shame by piling on a bunch of outer layers of "love."  This is something we ask the Holy Spirit for help in discerning.  

But nevertheless, that is love in action 

but it is not love itself. 

When we love by God's practices we are availing ourselves to be His vessels for His love, but the practice is not always the actual thing.  It is a form of shaping our desires into that which desires God to love through us.  So the more we practice these ways of loving in truth and action, the more shaped we are being for when God pours His real love into us.  

God will invest where it counts most.  The one who is able to love well will be able to receive much love. (See parable of the talents for how God always gives more to the one who has more.)

This is how we will know we belong to the truth and will convince our conscience in His presence, 

even if our conscience condemns us, that 

God is greater than our conscience, 

and He knows all things. 

--when I attempt to love others while harboring a secret sin or remembering the sins of my past my conscience is constantly feeding me condemnation.  Here, John says that the way to overcome those condemning thoughts against us is to practice the ways of loving others, even when real love is not felt or comfortable to give.  When we do this it says this is how we will convince our conscience, even if it condemns us, that God is greater than whatever negative or self-pitying/self-righteous thoughts might be trying to shame us.  God knows all of who we are and He has given His Son to die for our sins so that what we see before us (our sins) no longer has power to condemn us.  Therefore, when we are in the practice of loving the people God sends our way or puts in our hearts we grow into the truth of our own real forgiveness from all our sins.  We experience the power of His love when our conscience condemns us yet we still love in truth and action.  

"Dear friends, 

if our conscience doesn’t condemn us,

we have confidence before God”

1 John 3:18-21

So love is connected with our conscience in one way but not in another.  It is connected to our ability to refuel on God's love but not in feeling loved.  Love is not a feeling, but an outpouring substance from a person.  The more we practice loving in times of depletion the more we will be refueled with God's real love because He gives to those who will give to others.  

His love is not for building up a selfish person to feel loved but His love is for building up His body, His bride.  We were made to love and be loved, but one without the other is incomplete. 

It sounds (and experientially it will feel) impossible to love others when you feel devoid of love Himself, but John says that the way to refuel is to move against the thoughts by loving in action and in truth (meaning you are intentionally thoughtful about your actions to love despite what your thoughts are saying to you.)  

Then when you have held on to the greatness of God over your thoughts, you will gain confidence in Him...which is the beginning of a new outpouring of His potent love.  One who loves with confidence is dangerously effective. 

Loving is fun once you've had a taste for the real thing. 

Jmegrey