What is your position now?

A theme statement is basically the main point.  I read something over and over and over and pray about it to get this.  I definitely encourage you try this for any chapter or book in the bible for astonishing clarity.

My theme statement for psalm 1:

A believer is someone who meditates on being nourished by Christ and bears fruit in due season, while the wicked are not firmly planted but destroyed from lack of a life giving source. 

Nourish me Lord, please.

I really don't feel like doing anything, I feel like crap.  I feel unable to organize my thoughts, mad at myself for falling short of pleasing You.  I feel tired, my eyes burn and I have a heady feeling like a headache and frustration mixed together waiting to feel terribly overwhelmed.

I don't feel motivated Lord, but I want to be nourished.  Please help me get up spiritually.  

Please help me get up spiritually. 

Feed me your life giving river of living waters! 

“Master,” Simon replied, “we’ve worked hard all night long and caught nothing! But at Your word, I’ll let down the nets.” (In other words, I've worked this out and I know what will happen, but if You say so I'll do it anyway....!!) 

When Simon Peter saw this(all the fish they caught that even their boat began capsizing!), he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, because I’m a sinful man, Lord! ”  (yes, yes you are and that's NORMAL, not exclusive to just Peter.  We are all sinful, but yet I know for me I often think I can work things out in my head and I place confidence in the outcome or in the expectations I have, and these are what lead my actions.  God is saying one thing, and I'm thinking...no I've been here and that won't work, BUT what if I was like Peter and said, "But at Your word, I'll let down the nets" despite what I know.  What would that look like?  Could I trust God's word enough to let go of my understanding?  From the smallest thing to the bigger things? 

(Luke 5:5, 8 HCSB)

For he and all those with him were amazed at the catch of fish they took, (Luke 5:9 HCSB)

I want to be amazed, and being amazed has a lot to do with being surprised.  Being surprised has everything to do with knowing nothing...and that is what we have.  Nothing.  

Friends, I pray you and I use nothing to obey God.  Not our intellect, not our money, not our understanding, and definitely not ourselves to be amazed by God today. 

But use that nothing as the prayer to be filled with Him who is everything. 

What does that look like?  I don't know, it could look like crying or it could look like going about your normal day just dialoguing with God to help you see what that looks like.  We start with nothing, and our nothing then has a need.  That need might be painful (a need for comfort, for love, for help, for strength, for whatever) but it is a need that comes with having nothing.  

Let your nothing open up before God.

Let that need soak in your spirit.

John 15:5

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Apart from our needed vine, us branches can do nothing! 

I know I've got nothing, and yet I start to think that with my nothing I can get something...but that makes no sense.  You have to have something in order to get anything.  So first we have to find a resource to get something from, and this is often where I rely on the resource of my thinking or my abilities or my resources...which is nothing!  Although they  appear to be something, because of how I feel from them ...

I feel good when people like me or when I get a good grade in theology like I'm really doing this God stuff right, or a raise/promotion at work or when I write something enlightening, or when I have a nice good cry during prayer or when I help other people with something or when my Instagram photo gets a lot of likes!  It feels goood--the feeling is strong and its palpable in my mind...

but they always lead back to nothing and a need because eventually I'll fall and the feeling of falling sucks.  

So then it is a blessing to fall only because it reveals to me my need again, from my nothing.  Apart from the vine I can do nothing (but temporary feelings of good that die out eventually) 

But as in psalm 1, the tree planted (or positioned) firmly by the stream never withers.  And the branch that abides in the vine never stops producing fruit because of its source.

A need requires a source.

Nothing needs something.

Two nothings make nothing! 

Nothing plus Jesus = something

Word.

Go to the Word, with nothing.  

Go to prayer, with nothing.

Embrace your nothingness, haha, and then your need will embrace God. 

Jesus says:

“So I say to you, keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. (Luke 11:9 HCSB)

Oh and He said this too: 

Don’t be afraid, little flock(that's us! Sheep who have nothing and need a shepherd), because your Father delights to give you the kingdom.

(Luke 12:32 HCSB)

We all need Jesus.  Every single one of us is nothing without Jesus.  If you find at some point that you are nothing and what you have or feel is nothing...take that and come out of hiding with it...and let your nothing need Jesus, because in Him you will never be nothing, but you get something...and what you get I cannot describe.  Because it is amazing and surprises me every time!  

What is your position?  Ask God right now.  Are you secure in your thoughts and your configurations and plans? Or are you resting (or maybe scared) in the fact that you have nothing and need the source to be anything.  And then be in Christ.  He said "Don’t be afraid, little flock, because your Father delights to give you the kingdom." (Luke 12:32 HCSB)

I am reading and digesting the entire book of Luke via audio (I have the youversion bible app on my phone) and it is amazing.  Haha.  I woke up with a headache and a really uneasy heart, but I'm like so rested now.  Just resting in God, the Creator of the universe, of time, of epic waterfalls and canyons, of lightening bolt kisses and even the minds and hands that brew delicious coffee.  All of that...was made by God.  I'm just resting with Him.  

Jmegrey

Like a Tree/ like a House

My last night was pretty shaky, it was a subtle kind of arrows that came from the shadows.  I didn't feel them at first, and it wasn't until later that I saw the wounds in my spirit. I noticed my thoughts sort of draining of confidence in the Lord, I couldn't recall His greatness as well, and I began to feel that false sense of strength rather than that humbling acknowledgment of weakness.  

Throughout the day we may begin with the mercies God pours out on us, and we dress ourselves physically, but more importantly we must dress ourselves spiritually for the war that is not present to our immediate senses.  Be aware that the arrows strike from the shadows, and we may be bleeding out spiritually without even knowing it unless we consciously take time to examine ourselves.  Where are your thoughts circling back to?  What is driving you in the direction you are presently going?  Is it the glory of God or the glory of yourself?

I hope that I become ever more aware of my spirit and the Holy Spirit working together to produce roots that stay to the life source of God's provision and instruction.  I don't want to be like the dried chaff, self reliant and independent of that which is the only One who can sustain and nourish me.  The dried chaff get blown by whatever winds occur, this and that they become affected by and tossed around.  But the tree that is firmly stayed to the source of life, the stream, remains lush and constantly renewed, producing fruits in different seasons.  I want to be like the tree, the stable tree that stays...even when it's a season of unripened fruit or a season of shedding leaves or a season of harsh winds, I want to remain always to the source of life, to God.

But that's hard because my roots are still frail, still reaching, and the process is grueling.  I'm uprooted and then planted again, and so many times I feel exhausted and hopeless.

I keep the Lord in mind always. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 

(Psalms 16:8 HCSB)

Keep the Lord in mind.

Because He is (close as) my right hand

I will not be shaken.

When you notice you're draining of that life source, take note of it, examine your wound and ask the Lord God who is close at hand to heal you. 

You might be drained for a while, maybe the wound is deeper than you thought, so don't rush trying to get well, but instead allow the life source to replenish you like a tree drinking up water.  Just stay firmly planted, positioned for the Lord to work, and not for you to just get better.  Oftentimes we don't even know what really needs to be better, so the only thing we are instructed to do is be unshakeable.  

Root yourself to God, and stay there because apart from Him is to disconnect from Life itself...and end up as dried chaff blown by all kinds of winds.  Let the winds come, but let us stay.

I pray you stay today.  Firmly plant yourself with the Lord in mind as He works in each of us to be like a tree. 

...his delight is in the Lord’s instruction, and he meditates on it day and night. He is like a tree planted beside streams of water that bears its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. The wicked are not like this; instead, they are like chaff that the wind blows away. 

(Psalms 1:2-4 HCSB)

Again...

But the seed in the good ground (position)

these are the ones who, 

having heard the word 

with an honest and good heart, 

hold on to it and by enduring, (can do this only because of their position in the good ground, which is In Christ)

bear fruit. 

(Luke 8:15 HCSB)

First we must take note of our position. 

Holding on and enduring is NOT the first step!

I encourage you to ask the Lord in prayer what your position is.  

Are you trying to hold on and endure among thorns or dry ground?  If so, all your hard work will be a waste, because it is based upon the position FIRST, that you will be able to hold on and endure for the actual fruit.  If your position is wrong, you will never be able to bear fruit.  

However, if you find that your position is not in Christ, then be glad you were given such insight that only comes from the Spirit of truth, and begin asking the Lord to place you in Him.  If you don't know what that looks like, then you and I are in the same boat! Haha but we can see how little we know by this, and how it is truly all God's power and grace and love that will place us in Him, and so I pray you join me in praying to be in Christ.  

If we knew what or how to do this Part then we wouldn't need God.  

God is the one who will make things happen, not us.  There is no formula or figuring this out in our heads, there is only the humility in realizing how confusing and unknowable our great God is and then, by faith, setting ourselves under His authority to speak His Word to us ...and us being obedient--not out of fear of punishment or out of wanting to feel like good christian people (because feeling guilty and ashamed sucks), but because we sincerely desire to be positioned in Christ.  Remember our position then leads us to the capacity to hold on and endure!  But first things first.  

I will show you what someone is like who comes to Me, (we see a need for Jesus)

hears My words, (we read the bible and get convicted)

and acts on them: (we act on what we read, most of the time completely unfamiliar and unfeeling with the act itself, not knowing how or what will happen, but we act anyway because it is the words of God that we follow not our own thoughts and configuring)

He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. 

When the flood came, the river crashed against that house and couldn’t shake it, because it was well built. 

(Luke 6:47-48 HCSB)

It is during floods, crashes and dry seasons that we come to find out our true position, and in doing so hopefully either rejoice in God in the deep door of our hearts, quietly resting albeit the pain, or become humbled with a sorrow of joy for His grace in our false position and correctly be corrected by Him. 

Without the floods and crashes we would never know what sort of house we have built for ourselves.   Without seasons we wouldn't know if we were firmly being nourished by the river, and without God nothing could be done.  His hands hold every matter, every circumstance, every outcome, and every thing that will one day be completed.  

It is a sobering blessing that I go through difficult times, because in those moments I can most clearly see if I am truly a tree or chaff, a house built on the rock or on sand.  

Today I thank God for the purposes behind every hard moment...though always in retrospect.  

This, too, shall pass. 

The words of God have been spoken, 

Jmegrey 

Resting or restless?

"Be in Christ and live as those who keep in mind the grace of salvation by Christ."

-my theme statement from reading the book of Titus 3 times. (Something we have to do in seminary from time to tedious time)

I realized today, throughout the day of an uncomfortable sense of dispassion (feeling no forward stimulation towards a noble goal) that there is within me still a deeply rooted desire to find meaning OUTSIDE of Christ.  I mean I hate to say that, but I want to be honest with myself if I'm going to uproot it, and I want to uproot it.  I want to be fully in Christ, resting in Him and to be free from all the striving of wanting to be something other than just a resting daughter with my Heavenly Father. 

I just wanna chill with God.  But we aren't that close yet...I'm like distanced from Him, I act like we are good when we're not, and that makes for awkward times together.  Deep down I want to be close and I want to be honest with Him, but I'm still afraid to admit that I'm afraid He will not love me the way I am.  I'm afraid my problems will be too big for Him, I'm afraid my issues will be too ridiculous and dumb for Him, and I'm afraid that I'll disappoint Him sooner or later and all hell will break loose.  He will get angry at me or worse...stop loving me.  Also I'm really frustrated with how chill He is sometimes...like how He's all invisible yet "right here" and I'm like "huh?!  Where?!" Like a crazy person, I can be.  I wonder if this is how I feel (in a general sense) about people to some degree....but let's not open too many drawers just yet haha. 

 If I am indeed "in Christ" then I should be resting, rather than restless, but today my mind was restless and so I'm setting out to discover why.....via blogging as usual haha.  Let's see where this ends up. 

I completed a 3 hour midterm exam yesterday.  Prior to that I had so much work to get done in order to have time to study, and I was pressured to get things done.  If I wanted to do well on the exam as well as in all my other classes I had to use my time the way a kid would scrape up a bowl of leftover cookie batter....scrupulously.  Every day counted and the week weighed on me with the exam looming over all my other assignments.  Perfect.  I wanted to be the perfect student.  The perfect daughter.  The perfect christian. 

Was I in Christ?  Is that what it looks like to rest in Christ?  I was so stressed.  What do I want so badly that I will step outside of the freedom of what my amazing Savior did for me?  I want to be lovable, stable, good.  People like smart people and people like nice people, people like people who have it together and who are really smooth and polished.  I think that's what I want....to be loved by the world, to be loved by my friends, to be loved romantically and to be loved by my church and my family.  Yet what I know is that God loves me....but it's somehow not enough for me.  I know He loves me because that's what the Christian is told and that's written all over the bible both explicitly and implicitly.  I know it, but have I really opened my heart to God's love?  Have I allowed Him to fill the deep infinite hole in my heart?  Or have I kept trying to fill it with finite things?  And okay, what des it mean to "open my heart" to God?  We hear christian phrases like "open your heart" or "surrender all to Him" or "invite God into your heart", but what does that mean really?  What happens or doesn't happen when it's done or when it's not really done?  These should be important if we are to make appropriate changes in our steps....right?  Well, here's a helpful directive straight from Paul, the apostle of Christ Jesus Himself:

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. (Titus 2:11-14 NIV)

..."say No to ungodliness"

 (make intentional choices when it comes to saying "no" to what you know you shouldn't do)

..."live self-controlled"  

(huh? But I'm outta control haha I need Jesus to help me a lot on this one)

..."in this present age" 

(this means now, today) 

..."while we wait". 

(This isn't as appeasing as instant gratification, but it is still good to be aware that waiting is required, so when we wait...we wait with a reason good enough to wait for.)

..."eager to do what is good." 

(what are you eager about?  Are you eager to help others or are you eager about helping yourself?  Sigh.  Lord, please change my heart to be eager for what pleases You rather than to be loved by others or to preserve myself)

Jesus gave Himself.

To purify.  Make clean.  

The more I see myself the more awfully contaminated I look, so if Christ purifies and cleanses me I should run toward Him because of how grimy I am.  I should run to His cleansing blood, and be cleansed.  

I give myself up, 

throw up my hands up like a vulnerable surrender 

how incapable I am, 

and how smelly and gross I am! 

....and just hope that He really does love me unconditionally.  

Ugh this is a process.  

I get a little closer each day...some days more than others.  This relationship thing is so awkward for me, but I want it so badly, and so I say a few more words, I start opening up more about my fears, my dreams, my curiosities...scary.  

But more than that I need to see the reason for my waiting in the moments of pain.  When God is hard to "see" and meet with....I have only the hope that He is still there, in His perfect wisdom making things unfold in His time and according to His perfect will.  If I trust that, if I believe that, then that means I can wait and do what He says without questioning His methods.  Instead of asking "where are You?!" Or "why do I feel this way?!"  I can wait.  I can wait.  I can wait. Stay myself to Him as God, the all-knowing.  

Waiting is difficult, it often feels grueling and impossible, but I've waited before and God always has a way of showing up and surprising me.

But when I don't have a reason, then waiting becomes weak, I need both the reason with my waiting always before me.  

So if you're waiting today for God to show up today (maybe to answer a prayer or just give you a sense of His comforting presence), what's your reason for waiting for Him?  The reason, I believe, has everything to do with the longevity of your waiting.  

Hold fast to His amazing love. 

I'm just trying to be pretty while I wait, but I end up looking more like this:

And that's okay.  Because I'm this regardless.  Hahaha.

Jmegrey 

Does God really love me?

I almost want to just scratch out everything I have ever written to make this next point so clear: 

If you don't know and experience that God loves you then you will never be able to begin the kind of satisfying process of change in your life.  If the motivation is not because you know He loves you then the means will carry a constant sense of trying to measure up...often followed by a disconcerting sense of failure leading to apathy or frustration.  

I can know God is God, that He is good, but to know that He loves me is every bit personal as it is to know I am loved by my mother who sees me take advantage of her time, money and even of her love for me.  I think it's always more out of obedience and fear of punishment that I try to change myself, but I'm always left miserably unable to meet my own standards, let alone the perfect standards of God.

So then what does it mean or how does it look like to be sure of God's love for myself?  How can I begin a relationship with an invisible God without texting him on my iPhone, taking selfies with Him for my Instagram or playing with his hair as we sit down listening to music or a podcast together? This is the way in which I relate most with people, this is how I connect and cultivate relationships.  So perhaps there is something to be said of how I do my "quiet time" with the Lord.  What does it mean to get to know God.  What does it mean to spend time cultivating a relationship with Him? 

What does it mean in my personal life to have a personal relationship?  

First off, I'll admit I'm not so experienced in the realm of romantic relationships.  Lots of fear of vulnerability, disappointment, so on and so forth, but I can attest to cultivating meaningful relationships with friends.  And a relationship with God is a combination of the two, He is both our husband and our friend.  And married people are friends first!  The best married couples only grow in friendship, in other words, they become bestfriends and lovers.  This seems glorious, but also it speaks volumes into my reality.  I want so badly to love God, and at times my feelings feel stronger than at others, but this love thing is not unrequited.  It begins with knowing for myself that God loves me, but more importantly that he loves me despite my being me in all the ugly areas I know are me.  In other words while I am still in my sin God loves me.  I can snuggle up to God and rest in that perfect love, the love that takes my bad and says "I see that mess, but come here because I love you unconditionally".  Unconditionally.  Without conditions.  I ask "so I'm sinning and I don't want to do what You, God, are telling me to....you still love me with the same degree of passionate love as when I do love you back and do all that you command through the power of the Spirit?"  If God's love is without conditions, then the answer can only be a clear, crisp "Yes".  

All the bible verses in the world won't help me have an assurance of His love, just as all the nice messages and texts I read from an online dater will not make me confident that I can start trusting this person with my bank account or anything of substantial security on my part.  So reading the bible is good, indeed it is the very words of God, our foundational information guide to who He is, but it is not God Himself. 

We can know God and begin readying ourselves to experience Him by faith in what we know from His Word. 

Ready yourself.

God's love is without conditions, and the only way we can begin to live life fully and for that very purpose to which we were made is to enter into a genuine relationship with God, talking to Him, resting with Him in our moments of sorrow and bleak pain, and laughing with him in our times of joy, always drawing more and more near to Him like two people dating that get closer and closer until that destined day when a heartfelt proposal is made.   God is someone we are to know relationally, not just factually or religiously or theologically.  We may facebook stalk someone to know more about them, but we can never consider that person a close friend without sharing deep conversations, laughs, and secrets with them.  God does not want you to facebook stalk him by just reading the bible, combing through the text for golden nuggets.  Those are all the means to get to the goal of falling in love with Him.  Knowing Him experientially.  

But first we must understand that God loves us.  God loves me, not only because I might think I do a good job at life, but He equally and passionately loves the me that does poorly at life.  He loves me when I sin!  He loves me when I win!  He loves me when I'm good! And he loves me when I'm bad.

I may not feel lovable most of the time when I am so self aware of my inadaquacies, but that's me.  That is not how God feels.  Don't ever make God's love for you to be like your love for Him.  My love for Him is pathetic and weak, narcissistic and very conditional.  Thank God He loves me without conditions!  Otherwise I'd be screwed! 

But believing and experiencing His love begins with being vulnerable.  Be ready to break into a million jagged pieces while He remains all powerful and perfect, and rather than try to be a little more put together, just humbly and vulnerably show your worst to Him.  Then let Him take your heart and make it beat like a thousand wild drums despite its frail condition, because with God all things are possible, but with man all things break down and decay.

So be sure of His love through personal experiences of vulnerability. 

It is only when we are sure that He loves us that we will begin to find delight in doing what he wants.  Because in the end, we will find that He only wants us.  Not our good deeds or our sacrifices.  He wants you for Himself to be in perfect love with Him.  Every single person can attest to this deep desire of wanting to love and be loved.  

This is our reason for living!  To be loved and to love.  So let go and go to the perfect love of God, let it bring rest to your weary souls after having searched and searched in other broken loves.  God's love is perfect, and His love is that which can never break.  Experience His love, not by who you are, but entirely by who He is. 

This is really freeing for me.  Someone who is constantly trying to measure up to my own standards or by the standards I think others have of me, and then constantly failing!  I can be good for a while, and the more isolated I am the more "good" I appear to be, but that is not life!  That's isolation!  That's pretending.  That's....miserable.   Life is meant to be had drinking in love daily, and drinking in perfect love that satisfies the deepest and most thirsty parts of your heart, and overflowing love to others!  

I pray you (as well as I) drink in the perfect love of God today by bringing all of me, my good and my bad, and cuddling up to God's perfect love and resting there without a doubt in it at all.  Yep, God loves you, and yes you're not that great of a person, and He knows full well exactly what makes you not that great....so be amazed at His passionate love for you...stop thinking too hard about how this can be!  

Just relax. 

Breathe. 

And rest in perfect Love.  Begin going steady with the Lord to have and accumulate first hand moments with Him.  One date at a time.

You are loved.  Experience it right now. 

Jmegrey.

The Question: "Am I Gonna Be Okay??"

You know, we all think about the things that hurt us as well as the things we know we need to change, and we feel introspectively sound when we think about the things that we want or that we think will make us happy (some might say "that we KNOW will make me happy") to relieve a tension or emptiness in our lives.  Things like money, relationships, confidence, beauty, etc.

We have these ideas of what is good and bad for us, and then as a Christian those ideas turn into fears that produce guilt and shame or worry because we are left having VERY LITTLE to do with attaining the very things we want, again, from a Christian perspective that tells us to DENY ourselves and just surrender everything to God.  Most at this point either take this to mean a sort of mental ignorance, like.."hey this is bad, but it's okay it'll be good because God is good" meanwhile we have our own agendas to making the bad become good, and we say "God is good" as lip service or as a person to blame when our methods fail.  tsk tsk, I do it too.

Then when what we know is good for us becomes evident as that which is the very thing we don't do (ie: trusting in God through patience and faith as well as remaining diligent in the place we are at despite our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual agonies).

The things that we know we need to change are things we hold on to so tightly, and mind you they are usually obvious when you think about it intentionally, but can also easily be ignored when you don't take time to think about it because it's scary to think about--especially when those things (the things we need to stop doing) are, in our minds, tied to or associated with attaining the good things we want for ourselves, hoping God will just let this one thing remain with us as a kind of insurance....albeit it destroying us.  I mean think about it.

When I think about this, and I think about letting go of certain sins of mine, both mental and physical, of really staying myself to God--meaning clinging to Him through prayer and patience and lots and lots of tears and moments of frustration and confusion--then the question always arises:

Am I going to be okay??

or more hysterically at times...when I tremble out of my spirit's desire to let go of things and give them to God it comes out more like

AM I GONNA BE OKAY?!!!!!!??!!!!??!!!??!

am I gonna be okay.

Am I gonna be okay, Lord?

I mean, think about it.  Am I gonna be okay IF I GIVE THIS UP.
Am I gonna be okay if I place this in Your hands completely?
Am I gonna be okay if I start walking in the Spirit for this area.

it sounds so obvious, like umm...yes, God is pretty good at being God, so unless He doesn't love you or that He doesn't exist at all then no you won't be okay....but if that's true, either way, if you continue holding on to this you also won't be okay because you're effed if God doesn't love you or if He doesn't exist.  So...in a sense it boils down to faith and trust....and I want to personally add RATIONALE (because Knowing God is actually much more rational then not knowing Him, at least that is my ever increasing conviction in my theological studies) but this entry is not an attempt to prove God exists.  I already have chosen that He does, this is now about my SIN.  As usual.  Maybe I should word it as being about the gap of where I should be as a believer (according to the bible) and where I actually am.  Not being necessarily about my sin, but sin is the red light warning that always brings me back to the reality of what it means to be "in Christ".

The question : "Am I gonna be okay" implies two things: first it implies that I am indeed very afraid to trust in God for certain things.  This fear is not a Fear of God as Proverbs urges believers to have, but it's the very opposite because this is not a fear that God is so great and good, but a fear that God is not as great or as good as I may have read Him to be in the bible.  This is foolishness.  Wisdom is a Fear of God in that He is able, He is all-knowing, He is powerful, He is really a GOOD God, and He is in control or Sovereign.  This is the proverbial Fear of God that leads to wisdom.

God wants us to deny ourselves completely, yet so many Christians attempt to sort of appease God by giving Him big chunks, and keeping little bits to themselves (the story of Ananias and Saphira comes to mind in Acts 5:1-11

But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, 2 and with his wife's knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles' feet. 3 But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back for yourself part of the proceeds of the land? 4 While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not at your disposal? Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to man but to God.” 5 When Ananias heard these words, he fell down and breathed his last. And great fear came upon all who heard of it. 6 The young men rose and wrapped him up and carried him out and buried him.

7 After an interval of about three hours his wife came in, not knowing what had happened.8 And Peter said to her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much.” And she said, “Yes, for so much.” 9 But Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Behold, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” 10 Immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. When the young men came in they found her dead, and they carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11 And great fear came upon the whole church and upon all who heard of these things.

Ananias dared to lie to God, as if God could be duped.  Or as if Ananias was more cunning than God.  or maybe he was just scared that people would look at him badly if he said "hey yea, so i'm keeping back some of the money I got....because just in case...." womp womp.  Just in case what?  Just in case God's idea of good isn't your idea of good?  Just in case you know better?  I mean, I'm being hard on the guy, when really I myself have probably manifested similar actions driven by similar fears and worries...so I'm glad this seems to have been a one time thing for some reason, and I won't question the reason....I'll just learn that lying to God is bad.  Because it is!  It's a daringly presumptuous sin!  However, God knows everything, and it's better not to let fear of your image in front of others get in the way of your Fear of God as Greater than man.

This is not a story in the bible to scare people into selling their houses and to give all their possessions to the church.  If that were the case more people should have dropped dead during the early church period, and in fact, the human race of "believers" would probably not have survived this long.  So what I'm trying to say is that this story shows a lack of the FEAR of God (since clearly they both lied even though they claimed to believe that the Holy Spirit was there...implying that if He was there they didn't find Him smart enough to know that they were lying, which is pretty foolish when you think about it, it's pretty foolish because that means they viewed God as "less than" rather than fearing Him as God who knows all, is Holy, and is deserving of all glory and praise.)

Now aren't you glad this was an exception and not the rule?  I mean, we should all be dead if this was the rule.  How many of us lead lives that in secret areas imply a fear that God is "less than" or in other words we think "but am I gonna be okay if this goes into Your hands God?", otherwise we would give Him EVERYTHING.  But we choose to know about His goodness and Greatness, while living lives that ignore believing what we know.  At least that seems to be the case for my troublesome areas.  I think the idea that God is "less than" is also blanketed by the fear that I know I am definitely going to screw up...so I tend to focus more on my inability (to be patient, to be self-controlled, to be selfless, to be giving, etc) rather than God's ability to take control.  On the one hand I justify my fear to give up things to God because I know I'm such a failure, and I'll screw it up if I don't maintain tight control over how I mean to get the "good" things in life.  In other words, I feel strongly that won't be okay if I don't know what's going on, so then I ask God..."am I gonna be okay?"  And the clarity arrives only when I know strongly that if I don't give everything to God I will definitely not be okay.  BECAUSE, any part of myself that is not "in Christ" can only be "in flesh".

"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.  - Galatians 5:19-21

There is no "in switzerland".  You're either walking "in Christ" (or in the Holy Spirit of Christ) or "in flesh".

Think about what you want or what you see as a deep desire, something good...something like a Ph.D, a resolved conflict, forgiveness, a better relationship with someone, financial security, a sense of being loved, a house, kids or marriage or a stable career.  Think about it.

Then think about all the ways in which you will attempt to get those things.
That's usually where the bad happens.
What do you want?  Okay, those are good, and we tend to stop thinking after that.
Good is good, and that's all we want to think about.
Good, good, good.

Because when we think about what we will do to get those "good" things we find they are usually through bad means, or I should state through means that are all too self-reliant (God is up in heaven somewhere doing His thing, and it's up to us to make things happen--this is the mindset that takes over consciously or unconsciously).  Means that are bad because they exclude faith and trust in God.  Means that are in the flesh which bring about methods like greed, vanity, money, using people, selfish ambition, slander, envy, etc.

It also helps us to see when we are walking by such means when we also look at what it looks like to walk in the Spirit, and to ask ourselves if this is what our lives look like?  

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control;... - Galatians 5:22-23

I mean, not just one or two things, but all of the things that come to fruition by walking in the Spirit should be present, and if not then the area in which one is not is probably the area you are still sowing "in the flesh"...the residual corruption in you that is destroying you is this area...this is the area you are not "in Christ" and therefore this is also the area God is telling you to wrestle with, to put off, to fight, to get prayed over for, to confess to other believers, and to get desperate in prayer to the Holy Spirit for.  We cannot change our residual fleshly desires (our sinful habits) by our own power, but we can seek God in prayer and faith to place those things under the power of the Holy Spirit for change.  

Our part is to wait, to stay ourselves to Him, to groan in prayer, to cry out like Job in the midst of trials we don't understand, to make a habit of trusting God like Abraham, to seek to stay in the presence of God even when it is difficult to find that presence....we can choose not to despair (which is something someone does when they have no hope), but to wait patiently in faith, with hope, and through prayer, even if that means things start to look like they will fall apart and you begin to question, "am I gonna be okay?".

The answer is a glorious YES.

Giving yourself fully to God, especially that area where you will end up not knowing the status, process or outcome of it's original purpose to get that "good" you wanted, is the only way to actually get anything "good" at all.  Because holding back from God is only holding you back from God Himself. 

We are able to believe in Jesus and place ourselves to be "in Christ", and if we have faith in this then we are free from condemnation, to have Christ's righteousness on us, and thus as Romans 6:18 says: And since you have been freed from sin, you have become slaves of righteousness.

But if "in the flesh" we become slaves to sin, and sin is not something to be parceled out or measured...because it's like "a little leaven that leavens the entire lump" (Galatians 5:9) that lump being yourself, and the leaven is the portion of "in flesh" you don't mind staying with you.  

Indeed I mind!  I mind if it means it will eventually work its way into my entire being!  So the question is answered also in that "I will NOT be okay if I keep this to myself".  I cannot do anything in the power of Jamie, so why do I try to?  Why Lord?  I can only but pray these words of groaning, and stay myself to be always seeking His presence especially when I am afraid of what will happen if I let go.

God is the ultimate good, He is the the goal of which all other "goals" of good turn to rags.

I am weak, and He is strong.
So I encourage you, as I have myself, to come to God in desperate prayer, to ask Him all the questions, and to not be afraid to trace the things back deeper into what lies at the root of your fears that imply God as "less than" being Good and less than being God who loves you.

God is good, and it is evidenced when we walk "in His Spirit", that the fruit starts being produced, but more than that we grow spiritually and confidently closer to God the more we experience the proof (the fruit) that reveals to us His goodness, His perfect will.  His will not ours.  He is the goal, remember.  Fruit is not our goal, it is the means by which we can evidence our process toward the goal, but the goal remains God.

"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

And I'll pray it again, and ask God again probably in about 5 minutes because I'm that feeble and untrusting....

Lord, am I really gonna be okay?

Okay.

It's out of my hands now, balls in Your court.

and then I go about my day...with a ton more freedom.  Being in Christ is being free.  Christ fights your battles, Christ is your hope, and Christ will become sufficient for you.  When you have everything you need, worry disappears...and that too is a weird feeling!  But we won't go into that.  haha...at least not now, because I need to finish studying for my midterm.

I'll leave you with this lovely tid bit of wisdom found in 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
    nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”—

10 these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.

No matter how creative or imaginative I may think I am, it's exciting to be challenged and awed that God of the Universe, God who created Time and brains and the palpitations of hearts has prepared things for those that love him, which all things considered, can only be epic and too amazing for words.  It must be experienced!

Oh, I'll be okay, I'll be more than okay. haha.

Jmegrey.

Today, right now.

I love waking up with a newness of joy sort of overflowing from within me, it's a confidence in God's sovereign hand and voice in my life, and this morning, right now, I wondered:

What could I do to place or position myself in God's presence more consciously and intentionally?

The first thing that came to mind was a dreary cliché bow of the knee in prayer, and that's not to say that prayer in such a way in dreary, but for me in this moment it sounded less than exciting.

I wanted fresh and real excitement to delight before The Lord, knowing that He was taking delight in me!

So I came up with this:

Turn on music and just get super into it, which is easy when no one is around to see me make a silly dancer/diva of myself except the one who I am trying to entertain!  Being joyful, like really joyful always puts me right at the heart of God, my joy is where He is, and I am in His presence most when Joy within me flows outward.

So friends, what can you do right now to position yourself in the presence of God?  

What can you do to delight before the Father who loves to see you delight in front of Him?! 

Jmegrey