Daily reminder

It's been a haze ever since first semester wrapped up.  It's not that God stopped talking or that i felt Him to be far away.  I think it was more of a moment of pausing.  Taking into consideration the coordinates of my heart in relation to others.  Well, also pausing for the sake of pausing.  Just stopping.  It takes me a while to mull over certain thoughts before they are fully ingested.  There have been a few things on my mind. 

The gospel is still the most beautiful and hopeful news to me.

Sin is still a struggle, and I am caught in idolatry on a daily basis.  

I try to be conscious and aware of how easily I fall, how fragile I am, and how blessed and grateful I would be the moment I remember what the gospel means for me.  

Community is powerful because it catalyzed the majority of my actions.  Being in community is direct experience with how others view me and vice versa.  This can be a very good thing if the community you're in is healthy, and a terribly dangerous thing if not. 

People show me how I really am.  

That's scary, but very genuine, and truth is always the first step in the right direction.  

I feel so pause-y.  Is it laziness?  Contemplative pondering.  Inward analyzing.  Indigestion? Haha.

My faith is emerging out of the fog.  It's taking shape like an image coming into focus.  

Faith is fathomable, but when it's called upon it becomes flurried.  It is called upon daily--and it becomes normal to let the chaos of it become natural.  However, I don't want to live with a frantic faith.  Faith is contingent upon trust, and I would say that trust is contingent upon courage.  For to trust is to take a risk, and risks are bolstered by bravery.  

Be courageous and trust in God to have faith in Him today.  Live boldly, and watch God in the details, behind what the faithless eye cannot see. 

I miss so much when I forget about faith.  I see so much when I live by faith, and what I see is bright hope amidst the darkest days. 

Take courage, trust the Father of lights, and live this day in unconditional faith.  

Jmegrey 

From Hell to Heaven

Perhaps, as Timothy Keller and C.S. Lewis prescribe, Hell is a choice we make when we place our identity in something other than God.  Hell is choosing to be self-willed, self-centered, and self absorbed.  Hell is having to be all about oneself in a way that excludes the freedom of being loved by God to thankfully receive His blessings.  Isn't Hell having to get it your way and not letting go of what you want, which is a never ending gaping hole, a broken cistern, rather than choosing the fullness of God?  Is it not like Hell to live day by day unchanged when what is habitual is also shameful and self-loathing to you?  What may seem like a small problem now, and even a small problem in the next 60 years, like a small bout of anger at a friend, could turn out to be catastrophic in 4000 yrs, tortuously unmanageable in eternity.  Hell is not the judgment of God more than it is a choice to continue to be your own Savior.  Hell is a display of God's love in that we all were headed there due to our sinful inheritance, but God sent His Perfect Son to become like us and die as the One through whom we all had access to inherit the Kingdom!  To have the fullness of heaven in our hearts, which is to have all we ever wanted...to be loved and accepted, and perfect.  In Christ we have all that we need, but lies continue to mark our mortal bodies.  Lies about death, about self-preservation, about one's glory, respect, and person.  Lies that say we don't have what the gospel says, by faith, we freely have! 

"giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints’ inheritance in the light. He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves. We have redemption, the forgiveness of sins, in Him."

(Colossians 1:12-14 HCSB)

From rags to riches on a level beyond our full comprehension, but enough comprehension to make a choice.  It's not that Christ died so we could all go to heaven, but Christ died so that we would choose freedom in Him because of love.  If hell is about being enslaved to the wants and desires of our never ending wants and desires, then heaven is more than just having all those wants and desires (since they continue to only lead to more wants and desires), heaven must mean satisfaction, contentment.  I ask myself everyday, Jamie, are you content?  What do you want? Have you tasted the true love of the Father who sent His only Son to die for your sins to be wiped away?  Have you been embraced by the God of the universe who calls you daughter?  And now, what do you want?  What remains in you that feels it is lacking or incomplete? 

Heaven must mean that the hole in our hearts, which could be viewed as our connection to God, is fully repaired, and every want and desire no longer slips through but stays fully enjoyed only because it is enjoyed with the Father.  I take it a step further and say that if the hole is sealed by the love of the Father, then we would no longer have a want or a desire.  In other words, heaven is having the love of the Father. 

If that's heaven, and it must be if the goal is complete wholeness bound by love and eternal acceptance and delight, then heaven begins on earth. We have access to the Father by His Spirit.  The Word of God says that we begin to experience Him the moment we believe, by faith through grace, that Jesus is the Messiah, God's Son sent to die for us.  We begin on earth...

"For we too were once foolish, disobedient, deceived, enslaved by various passions and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, detesting one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us — not by works of righteousness that we had done, but according to His mercy — through the washing of regeneration and renewal by the Holy Spirit."

(Titus 3:3-5 HCSB)

To have heaven is to have the fullness of Christ dwell in you.  Heaven is the fullness that your selfish ambition, the gaping hole, could never grasp.  Heaven is having the perfection of God, right?  Is that my heavenly?  To have the righteousness, the holiness, the love and the power of God, is that not heaven?  Or is heaven the ideal spouse who we all know is just another person like ourselves in need of that fullness that only is of a perfect God?  Is heaven money and wealth, a commodity rendered useless on our deathbeds?  Perhaps heaven is the respect and honor we all crave, but none of us gets enough of, one accolade is only the next dangling thread calling for more attention.  Without God nothing is ever enough.  What sounds like hell? A life without our comforts?  Without beauty? Without respect?  What is the root of all our desires? Is comfort an ultimate end?--if so the rich would be satisfied, in their big lush homes with exquisite and unending access to the best food, best furniture, best traveling itineraries, and best of what anyone on earth has to offer at a price.  Comfort is a gaping hole if it does not satisfy, and we all know well it is never enough for the rich who have access to all the comfort in the world without limits!

Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with the Messiah in God. When the Messiah, who is your life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. Therefore, put to death what belongs to your worldly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. (Colossians 3:2-5 HCSB)

Devote yourselves to prayer; stay alert in it with thanksgiving.

Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person. (Colossians 4:2, 6 HCSB)

giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints’ inheritance in the light. He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves. We have redemption, the forgiveness of sins, in Him. (Colossians 1:12-14 HCSB)

We have inherited the Kingdom, but only by faith for now, and then in fullness again when Jesus gathers all the children of God to Him.  

As Colossians says,

 "When the Messiah, who is your life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory."

And we wait with unconditional faith and the help of the Spirit of God dwelling always close within us.

I embrace heaven today, because the love of God has been revealed and made real to me.

It's weird to have everything, but nothing is quite like it.  Nothing is everything except this:

"God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him. Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

(1 John 4:9-10 HCSB)

Merry Christmas. 

Jmegrey. 

Because you just want to be loved

I pray that He may grant you, 

according to the riches of His glory, 

to be strengthened with power in the inner man through His Spirit, 

and that the Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, 

may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, 

and to know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so you

 may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

(Ephesians 3:16-19 HCSB)

To know and to have knowledge is differentiated here by one thing: the former is a verb and the latter is a noun.

A verb indicates an action, a noun is a thing. 

To know the Messiah's love is to be interacting with it experientially. 

Whereas to have knowledge of Messiah's love is like owning a backpack you never use.  You see the backpack, you even know the make and model of the backpack, and the backpack is your size. 

However, without any actions with the backpack you render it pointless for the purpose you wanted it for--to go backpacking. 

Knowing and knowledge of Messiah's love are as different as use and useless in their ultimate ends.

Knowledge is only as good as it can be applied, and......this is where things become messy for believer stuck in delusion.  

Trying to apply God's love to our hearts, in order to be transformed by it, is impossible. 

I repeat, trying to apply Messiah's love into our hearts is impossible.

So what can be done?  How can we go from the noun-knowledge of Messiah's love to the verb-knowing through interaction of that love in action?

What can be done for the self-loathing and oblivion we endlessly discover?

What can be done with our struggle with sin and the way in which we know the good, but do not do the good? 

What is our will?  Do we not have free will to do what we will? And is our will the only thing that makes decisions?  Clearly not--a prime example is anyone who has ever sinned or acted in contrary to what they wanted (their will).  Last night my dad ate a bowl of ramen and didn't want to, because he knew he would wake up bloated the next day, but he still ate it--against his will.  Likewise, I may come across a cookie, not wanting to eat it because I know it is not healthy for me, but I eat it anyway.  It is my will to study right now, but instead I am blogging.  Have you ever wanted to do something yet in actuality, did not follow through?  So then, our decisions are not steered by our will alone, but by our character.

Why do we act in contrary to our will then?  Because the deeper ontological issue is our character. 

Philippians 2:13 says,

"For it is. God who works in you, BOTH to will AND to work for His good pleasure."

So it is the will and work. 

Both the desire and the action that stem from our whole person, our character.

And by Whom are these controlled? 

By God.  

No amount of trying or even wanting to experience transformation by God's love will do anything, even if the desire and efforts are with good intentions.

Biblically, God alone is the transforming agent.  We are transformed by His love, only when God's love interacts with us.  

Oftentimes, I find that I am just not good enough yet.

Not good enough to lead praise,

Not good enough to get married,

Not good enough to be loved,

Not good enough to make money,

Not good enough to be good! 

And so I try.  

I try to be good, to be better.  Sometimes that takes the form of praying more, reading the Word more, humbly submitting to my mentor (or my parents), or just creating wise safe guards for me to be able to resist the temptation to sin.  

I fortify myself with this and that, and I think to myself, "good job, Jamie, you're doing well, making good choices, being proactive." *hooray for me. 

While all of these are not bad (in fact they are very wise and helpful), they do not transform me.  There is no amount of preparation, discipline or planning ahead that I can do to see myself "become good enough--good enough to lead praise, to get married, to be loved, to make money, etc. 

Every good gift comes from God.  Nothing I do will give God a reason to bless me.  

And while that might make some immediately think to give up on trying to be good, the point being made is that God's grace and love is deeper and wider than you can ever imagine.  But to know it means nothing for you--to possess knowledge of love as a noun is worthless of it never becomes a verb--if you don't experience it through interaction. 

Most of our sins that escape our will to abstain from them have deep hidden historical and relational roots that the Holy Spirit knows all about.  He knows us better than we know ourselves because He sees the thoughts of our hearts not just our head.  And this is where transformation can begin, on a cooperative interaction with the Holy Spirit revealing the hidden filth driving our wills to act ...against our will!

The fact that God is the only agent of transformation, brings to reality the uselessness of our efforts in being transformed.  Or in change.  

You can't change a pile of poop by covering it with snow. 

You have to expose the poop, take off all the "good" covering it, just remove the snow and reveal the shit under there. 

Romans 9:16 says,

"So then it depends not on human will or exertion (for all you do-gooders out there), but on God, who has mercy."

Then when sin occurs in our lives, we don't try to justify ourselves by exerting "good acts" of kindness or serving or missions or giving--all that may help to alleviate the guilt (like alleviating the stench of poop by covering it with snow), but it will not remove the actual sin underneath, once the snow melts (and it always does) there's your shit again. 

Instead of trying to be better or work harder at becoming good, the only way for us to be transformed, is to be vulnerable to the work of God.   That's how bad our crap is!  God is the only one capable of getting rid of it, in fact He got rid of its power of death by dying for us.  Now, we are forgiven by ultimate means, but the experience of forgiveness comes by confession.  To know, by interaction with God, that we have been forgiven is the way in which He transforms us.  Experiencing the weight and depth of His rich and love-overflowing forgiveness for our wrongs, is to experience being rescued.  

God says in Ezekiel 36:25,

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanliness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you."

He will do it.  Him and Him alone.  So then stop trying to change yourselves, and start opening to God by taking off those coverings of your sin. 

John 8:32 urges us to look at the truth.  The truth of our condition, our shit buried under all our "virtues". 

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Stop trying.  Start uncovering to the truth and know, by interaction, the love of the Messiah. 

"For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."

Eph. 2:8-9

Sometimes, all I can do is sit down or lie down or huddle in a corner (no, I don't really do that--mostly sitting...lots of sitting) and cry about the things in my heart that hurt me to think about, but that I don't want remaining inside of me, buried underneath the coverings.  I cry about all my badness, my bad choices, my bad thoughts, my fears and worries, complaints and unmet wants, I sit there and just open up whatever I can to God because He see me through and through.  He knows when I get up and when I sit down, He knows every word before it leaves my mouth, and He knows all the days that make up my life before I was even born  (Psalm 139).  

Because He made me!  I love God because He first loved me.

And most of the time I end up crying uncontrollably like a blubbering baby.  I feel so weak and helpless in those moments because I can't even control my heaves or the fact that this much crying will give me a puffer fish face the next day.  I cry because that's all I can do when the crap of my badness surfaces, when all the painful memories, the hurts buried in my heart come to the surface it makes me feel so weak, and that weakness is enhanced by blubbering sobs.  I don't like being so vulnerable but when I am God speaks love into my heart.

Or sometimes I feel nothing at all.  I look at my crap and I hate it.  But no tears come, and then I realize how much I liked the tears.  But this time it's different.  On these occasions my consolation of crying to release all the fear and pent up hurt is not there.  This time it's just quiet.  These times are both agonizing and deeply moving (because I get bored while thinking my sin should be convicting me to cry....where are those contrite tears?!). I am moved by Him.  How He works in me.  How my faith and His grace start to dance in a different setting.  We go from the highschool drama stage to the still gaze of two friends on a porch swing.  

It's remarkably surprising to meet with God on these non-crying levels, too.  I'll admit sometimes I want to cry, because it feels good and tires me out, but when the tears don't come and I am there in vulnerability with the Lord about all the deeper issues in my heart...just sitting in the weeds with Him, I find that my faith is called upon to rise to the occasion.  Faith to trust without feeling or preparing for the worst.  Faith to recall God being my Father.  And then He speaks in the stillness about something.  Usually about something hindering me from getting closer to Him, because He is always wanting me to draw nearer to Him.  

And all the world lays flat in comparison to the surpassing greatness of knowing God...just in this brief minute.  

“Instead, this is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after those days” — the Lord’s declaration. “I will put My teaching within them and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be My people. 

(Jeremiah 31:33)

I struggle in sin everyday, and rather than going humbly before God in prayer for Him who is the only one capable of changing me from the inside out, I tend to think things like "Jamie, what's wrong with you? You should work harder at being good! Go to bible study!  Get a good job!  Change this, change that!  Go give $100 to church!  Feed the homeless!  You should Do this, do that, and then you will become better, slowly, progressively."  

Lies!  All lies. 

We don't do anything to change our deep rooted character--the issue is our hearts that control our wills.  God alone stated that He would be the one to write His ways upon our hearts, and He would be the One to will and work for His good pleasure. 

Nothing can prepare you for that.  God in His mercy and deep love will take you down to lift you up.  

May you find hope in these words, and may God meet with you right where you are.  

I  pray that He may grant you, 

according to the riches of His glory, 

to be strengthened with power in the inner man through His Spirit, 

and that the Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, 

may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, 

and to know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

(Ephesians 3:16-19 HCSB)

Jmegrey

On being Wrong!

"You're wrong."

The words hurt more than I know.  They bring up my insides revealing indignation, insecurity, fear of man, and hopelessness. 

Sometimes being wrong is more than a black and white situation.  Sometimes it's being wrong even when your intentions were meant for good (or so you thought, maybe, maybe not).  I used to staunchly believe that so long as my heart meant well, that would carry me through any situation.  God saw the heart, and He couldn't possibly expect me to always get it right, but so long as I meant well or did something out of the desire to do good, then even if it was the wrong move, I'd be safe.  Safe in my heart.  And now, as I'm getting older, and realizing how sick my heart is, it's not as dependable as I once thought.  

Here's the thing, I think it's good to mean well, there's no argument there.  However, just because you mean well doesn't mean things will then go as your good intentions planned.  For example, I might, out of a desire to show love for a friend going through depression, tell them that they are going to be okay, and that God cares for them, and then proceed to day after day visit them at their home bringing them food and keeping them company, find one day that they committed suicide.  (I hate this example already).  Anyway, the point is, I would be mad at God, or at the very least extremely self-critical of what I may have done wrong.  In other words, I was wrong about something, whether that was the way in which I helped this friend (thinking maybe I should have prayed more or brought in more help, or the list could go on) or it could also be that I was wrong in the way I viewed God's part and my part in all of it. 

In some way, shape or form something was wrong, someone was wrong, and that feeling of wrongness is what I find is extremely unsettling.  It's like eating crap.  

Sometimes we are just wrong because we're less knowledgeable than we thought, that feeling sucks too.  

But I want to identify that being wrong goes beyond the amount of knowledge I can rack up through school, media, books, etc.  

Being wrong is in the core of every human being, and this is a wrong born of sin, and all have sinned.  

You're wrong, I'm wrong, and everyone we know is wrong.  So why are we all trying to be right?  And by be right I mean those times we beat ourselves up because of a bad situation.  On a more personal note, Why is it that I fear being wrong, and then proceed to stay in this state of oblivion....this fantasy of "maybe I'll get it right next time!" 

I do this to myself!  A cycle of never ending disappointment, mostly in myself, but often including others as well.

This is enslavement to worry, to anxiety, to fear, and to the Father of Lies.  Yes, that's right, to Satan and his devil minions.  If you don't believe they exist then the fault is still on you and your sole core of wrongness, but if you do believe they exist then the fault is shared :). Of course this makes little difference to the fact that you're wrong. 

So then, if I sound like a Debbie downer by this point it is because I'm trying to make that very point!  Being wrong sucks!  It's a downer!  But does that now give us grounds to try and find some "other truth" in order to escape feeling helpless?  Sigh.  I wish we could all serve God AND feel happy feelings all the time, perhaps even based on our good intended hearts (if such a thing exists), but experience will reveal that things just don't flow the way we want them to all the time, regardless of our intentions.  So what then?  What's the point of throwing your crap in your face (although I hope I was much more ladylike and gentle about it than that)?  The point is...

Being wrong stinks.  In a more serious tone, my hypothetical friend who committed suicide is beyond words a painful situation--as I'm sure it has actually been in some people's lives, and I'm sorry and just floored by it all.  The depravity that goes on in this world is enough to make one suicidal.  Now what drives people to suicide, I don't know, but I do know that the truth of the gospel drives me toward Jesus and Life.  Not initially, because first I always have to pass through a desert of painful realization, and these are periods that happen throughout my life in all kinds of varying time frames.   Then comes a powerful BAM! recognizing that I need Him not just on the level of my mental agreement, but by a deep personal leading of the Lord in my life.   Because anyone can recite a bible verse and then say "I'm a sinner I need Jesus" or read a Timothy Keller book and mistake a strong sense of agreement as one's own faith being actually swept up by the truth of it,but (which I realized I do all the time!)

On a fundamental level, being wrong means that someone else is right.  Absolute, perfect rightness.  It's so shiny and ...and Perfect! 

We crave it, I crave it, I want it, but I also don't know if God will give it to me or what it will mean for me.  There are so many risks in trusting God, am I right or am I right?!

People tell me to "just trust in God" and inside im thinking "huh?!?! You don't make sense!  I will slap you!". Outwardly, I politely nod and say "yes, thank you, amen."  And continue to struggle.  But what if we were all honest with one another?  That's hard because people are judgmental and unforgiving.  It's true, I've experienced it.  So then the only way to be able to be honest with the body of Christ is to be in Christ, putting on His perfection rather than our own, so that when our own is judged by others we can say, well that WAS me, but not anymore.  It's still hard, I know!  

Because it's never "just trusting in God."  It's dying and then banking on Him to raise you up in the future.  It's faith without conditions, because unconditional faith is the only kind of real faith there is. 

So I go through these crazy moments of considering the cost again and again, and it's usually followed by immense bawling (and yawning because I always feel really tired after crying so much.). But more than considering the cost, more specifically it's giving everything to Him that makes me start crying.  It's giving Him my fears, and part of me is crying because those were mine, under my (elusive) control.  I cry because it hurts to realize the truth.  I cry because everything about me is wrong and that sucks and so that's part of the crying too.  I cry uncontrollably thinking of all the people I hurt, all the people i love that I could be helping if I were in Christ, and all the people who have hurt me in the past.  Then I cry because God loves me so much, man I cry so much when I hear Him tell me He loves me.  Amidst all that ...amidst the combination of crying for selfish reasons, with sprinkles of sincerity in wanting to give Him my life, but the bulk of it being from my pain and agony over not getting my way...and being so cranky about that, I give God that, and He loves me.  

I don't know what to expect, exactly, and I'm grateful that I'm tired after these bouts of tearful dialoguing with God...so that I fall asleep.  And I can look forward to the morning.  To be surprised by joy, maybe, but mostly to wake up to God and be with Him in wherever I go.  If it's another dark night of my soul, so be it.  Even depression is a doorway to Him, because the light shines in the darkness.  All is light with God.  

So I'm learning theology and mostly learning how far from my heart all of what I'm learning is.  And perhaps how far it will always be, because the point is not about me being right in life, but about being in Christ.  Maybe I'll be more theologically right in Christ, haha, I mean if I'm theologically wrong in Christ then one of them ain't God.  So the two should go hand in hand, but the focus must always be on the real deal rather than the doctrine.  

So in the end, taking the truth, in this case on being wrong, I can begin desiring God again.  Not just because in Him I am right, but mostly because in my wrong He said that He loves me.  He loved me in my sin, and sent Jesus to die on a cross in order make a way for me to be right in Him.  

Being wrong makes the gospel Good news for me. 

So then, on the issue of community I can continue in Christ, to love the body of believers, even if many times that means just sitting there (when I don't want to be there) and being with them, silently.  Sometimes all I can do is sit there, and that's enough.  

Because that's all I can do.  

Give what you can, even if it doesn't meet your standards.  God sees everything, and gives grace to the humble. And grace is one of those things that is like a wild card in a very good way.  You definitely want grace, yea, grace is very good.  

And the only thing better than grace is God Himself.  I want God more, to know Him more, talk with Him more, hear His voice more, witness my life in His plan more, and just to be more and more near to Him.  The closer the better, until I'm with Him forever.  

Jmegrey

(Photo from buzzfeed, and not my own)

Prayer for community

      Father, help me to understand what Your will is, because without understanding I'm confused and can become apathetic and stagnant.  

Help me to know and be convinced in my spirit that what I do is what You want and not what I want, or make what I want to be what You want.  I want to do Your will, but so much of me is confused and scared.  So please give me courage to present my body as a living sacrifice, 

this is my spiritual worship; that I may gain Christ and be found in Him--so that I may discern what is Your good, pleasing and perfect will.  Your will, not mine. (Romans 12:1-2)

Father especially when physical pains begin to hurt me, or people's words pierce me, please remind me of Your perfect and good will that I am, by grace, being brought into.  When my stomach or my head or my body is aching (or becoming upset/insistent to do what my will wants) please send reassurance to my mind about persevering through it and being renewed and strengthened after it. Renew my mind and clear out any false identities that try to ensnare me.  I am not a slave to sin or to fear or to perfect standards I conjure up in my mind, but I am Yours alone.  I am eager and shrewd about doing Your will, and when I am not please make me, because even though I don't feel it now I know and have experienced that You bring peace in time, all according to Your perfect will that I enter into by faith. 

Father, when I don't want to be a part of small group/community activities, please remind me that this is my spiritual worship.  I am here to benefit the body of Your Son who died for me, He gave me a  righteousness from You based on faith.  

Father, give me a joyful heart to dance or participate or eat a meal together with my small group and others under Your wing of protection.  Help me to remember You are there when I'm with them.  Help me to be unified and not divisive.  Lord it is difficult to let go of my moods and my fears and my anxieties when I'm with them, so please help me to remember and to be faithful to what You have called me to: a life of serving and loving others because Your love for me and what Jesus did to serve my needs was and is greater than anything I could ever do to repay it.  I can give my body as a living sacrifice: dead to my will but alive in doing what Your will is, and I desire for my mind to be always renewed so that I can discern between what's Your will and what's mine, and carry Yours out.  This I can only do when Your light shines to blot out the darkness in me.  

But Father please help me, I am so weak willed and rebellious, scared still about certain things, but I know You see that and You know me inside and out.  Help me to look to You, to always run to the cross, and to be reminded and renewed in my mind of Your good and pleasing and perfect will.  Your will be done.  Be glorified, and thank You because I was lost and You sought and found me especially in my bad and worst days.  You never gave up on me, and it was Your kindness that led me to repentance day after day.  

So Father please fill me with Your Spirit and Your power to embrace my cell church (small group) and be in unified community with them and to use what You give me to benefit, them, Your body.  I am Yours.  May Your will be done by me who is in Christ, so that it is not based on my abilities but on Christ who works out Your will in me.  

The truth is that on my own everything I do is useless, even my being honest in this blog is useless if Christ is not the One who gives me the power to write.  On my own I can write the truth but I cannot give myself freedom or eternal life.  Only in Christ can my writing and acknowledgment of the truth help me towards lasting freedom and life.  So I pray to be found in Christ Jesus, whether in writing, or in moments of being internally honest with myself and others, apart from You I am useless.  Nothing bears fruit apart from the vine, so please help me to be in You, always and in everything.  Even  and especially when I'm in community. 

I want to be near to You, but I am so afraid of Your body, the church.  People frighten me because their words are like swords that pierce through my fragile heart, and I am trying to protect myself from them.  But they are Your body and I want to be near and with You, and so I must be near and with them.  Help me see You when I am with others. 

In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Jmegrey

Adventuretime

This morning, after a whirlwind weekend of social events one after the other, all I wanted to do was stop.  I don't like being so busy that I can't take a moment to soak in the people and places I've seen and talked with.  (That and I usually don't like anticipating busyness) I felt tired and a bit heady...like I couldn't figure out what I wanted, and maybe that was a good thing.  If I didn't know then I might do what I thought was best, rather than having a desire and doing what I wanted to get it.  (That will only make sense if you've read my previous posts and know that I tend to be quite relentlessly selfish by nature). Anyway, it's been a really heartfelt thanksgiving because I truly went to each dinner with the sincere sense that I missed the people I spoke with.  More than a social thing it was a people thing, lots of laughing, deep conversations, delicious turkey, and of course good photos for my insta-editing hobby ;)

Now I'm here, and asking God: what's going on in my life now and with/during this past weekend with You?  

There were several moments I had dialogued with God at the different places I went to, and sometimes I realized afterward that there were moments (hours long) that I didn't think about or talk to Him at all.  For me, that's unpleasant because all the things I enjoy are much more enjoyable when they are rich in meaning and part of a piece of God's promises happening in my life.  Being aware of His goodness is like receiving letters from friends in faraway places. 

So I asked the Lord, how are we?  Cuz it's been pretty chill and cozy lately...I feel like I'm in the sweatpants and movie nights at home stage with God--so comfortable and free to be at ease.  It's sweet.  Yet when I asked the Lord this morning where we were in our relationship I felt Him say that it's been the sweatpants and movie nights thing, but "how about we go on an adventure?"  I was a little taken aback, I mean, that sounds really great to me, but I wasn't sure what He meant.  It didn't feel like "lets go on a trial or a lesson or a period of suffering in order to mature" but it literally was an adventure...like hiking in Peru or crashing someone's festive wedding reception.  It was all about having thrills and a good time. 

Three things stood out to me about the adventure God wanted to take me on.

1.  A risk or risks would be taken

2.  Good company

3.  And a surprise 

That was pretty much it.  I heard it, I agreed and the rest, as usual, is God's doing and my living it.  

A risk sounds a bit scary, but if it didn't involve a risk it wouldn't quite be an adventure.  

We shall see where God takes me.  :) 

I am absolutely loving the weather.  This is adventure inducing weather indeed! 

Oh and I'm almost done with my first semester at theology school.  I have a few projects and papers to finish this week, then final exams, but I need to take it one day at a time.  Sipping Joe and writing in between.

Perhaps God is preparing tons of adventures and looking for people to participate in them?  If so, just remember the three things: 

1.  Risk

2.  Good company

3.  Surprise

Maybe it's happening right now,

Jmegrey

In the desert

Psalm 139

Lord, you know all of me, and you made my inward parts.  You know what worries me and you know the offenses in me.  Please reveal them to me in a way that I will repent and turn from them.  Please be gentle with me.  I know I still fear the lack of control over pleasures, but lead me into understanding more deeply that Your love is great and given to me everyday.  Give me a thankful perspective. 

---

God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. 

(Psalms 63:1 HCSB)

The desert scares me.  Being without water and feeling physically faint sounds horrifyingly helpless and near death.  

I asked God in prayer to give me a thankful perspective.  I wanted to understand more in order that through understanding I would be convinced of letting go of more of my desire to be prepared, in control, and self-preserving.  I knew that God wanted me to trust in Him, but so much was unsure that I just wasn't convinced enough, didn't understand enough, to let go of what I knew was stifling my spirit.  I am definitely in the desert, but I kept my eyes shut tight in order to protect myself from knowing this.  I think I wanted to believe that I shouldn't be in the desert, I should be by the streams of living water, "I should be the tree in psalm 1!" I wanted to be peacefully resting in a valley with bright blue skies and tall blades of grass.  

Not in the desert.

This just can't be right.

And because I thought it couldn't be right I kept trying to imagine it away, closed my eyes, plugged up my ears, and even made prayers to God that He was good to have placed me where I was.  But the truth prevailed and no matter how hard and creative I got at pretending I was somewhere else, I was here: in the desert.

And the Lord, gently answered my prayer this morning.  Because opening my eyes I saw that was parched and thirsty and I needed him so badly.  Or goodly? Hehe. 

I mean I felt the dryness.  I felt the lostness.  I didn't just feel, but I saw, I knew, and I understood that this was the desert, and the more I realized it the more I sought the Lord for help, and the more I understood that this meant I was pretty powerless to change the situation.  Here, in the desert, I'm forced to be dependent on God.  To wait for Him because that is all I can do to get out.   There is no other way, because before my eyes I see only dry desert in every direction.  I might catch a glimpse of one of those false watery facades in the distance, but I've chased enough down to know at this point that it's useless, because there's nothing there.  All I can do is look around, see where I am, and understand...I need God to rescue me.

God may have placed me here for this very purpose, perhaps somewhere along the way in my life I had grown quite comfortable with the world.  I was not at odds with their ideals and their pleasures, although I may have been against some of their morals or methods, it was still not so distinctly and exceedingly differing.  I was matriculating, again, and in that God used His Father-card on me and placed me in the desert to understand where I had gone wrong. 

I rarely learn the first time around, and pretty much never learn when someone just tells me...I learn best when I make a mistake and get cut really bad from it, so bad that I never forget how terrible it was to be there in the end, and how I never want to be there again.  But even when I experience that, I know that I still need help because some ends just come with different skins.   Really, there are two ultimate ends in life: misery and joy.  Then there are two ends after death: Heaven and hell.

But seeing as we can't make much to change the ends after death, I'll touch only on the ones mentioned during our time of living, since ultimately misery leads to hell and joy leads to heaven.  

We've all been at both ends.  I've had my share of misery and I've had plenty of joy in life.  

The strange and elusive part is how I somehow always think that joy should lead to joy ends and that misery will lead to misery ends (excluding death).  However, the fact that has become repetitively apparent to me (and to probably everyone) is that in order to reach joy you have walk through misery.  And when you walk past joy you then have misery.  

This truth is made famous by sayings like : "good things come in small packages" or "no pain no gain" and a million more that you probably can think of.  

The point of all this is that God brought me to the desert, and instead of opening my eyes to His leading I had tried so hard to deny it.  Because I associated it with badness.  I didn't just trust Him as I should have, because I trusted my instincts more.  And perhaps that is what I had been doing for a while which had God leading me here to be corrected.  

So I prayed for understanding, and although I had my idea of what understanding would be like, I got it in a way I didn't expect.  I thought it would just click in my head, over a cup of coffee, while I had christian music playing in the background.  But no, this understanding is acceptance of my situation, and my position.  I am in the desert, and there's nothing I can do about it except turn fully to God for His help.  What else can I do?  Who can help me but God?  Can money help me? Can beauty save me? Can other people who are also lost help me?  Can even my bank of knowledge give me ideas?  The only response that makes sense in all that I have, see and understand is God alone can save me. 

Hands open in a parched land within me, I seek God.  

Here I am Lord, I see where I am, I understand.  Now what? 

PS: please be gentle. 

Jmegrey

Prayer

I get so distracted, Lord my mind loses hold of You and I don't even check to see when it happened.

Nothing is as sweet to my eyes and my ears and my mouth as Your voice speaking to me, but still I find myself time and time again back in the garbage digging around for things I threw away.  Why did I end up here but for my own carelessness in seeking You every day.  I don't want to lose the treasure of knowing You intimately.  

My heart gets cold and dead, and I start to feel the pain of distance from You.  I want to be near You, and in Your complete words that fill my mouth and spirit with sweetness.  I can forget how You spoke to me, because Your words brought life and joy, peace and courage to my crushed spirit.  You fed me daily with Your truth of who You are, and what You do with those that are soon to be with You in eternity.  How You watch their every thought, protect their kingdom hearts, and know a trial before it touches them.  You know when I rise and when I go out, You see when I move and hear what I say before the words leave my lips.  God, You are always present, always watching, and Your presence is there even if I don't always sense or remember it is You. 

The days are evil because they do much to help me forget.  I forget the instant I feel alone, or the instant physical pain discomforts me, but I forget most when I harbor sin inside of me, cherishing it for the temporary consolation and companionship it brings.  Lord, You know these things already, and You know my thoughts deep within that go against Your power and Your Name.  So I pray for ever more grace and compassion to be shown to me, and I confess, I admit Lord, that I am unwilling to give You all of me, I admit that I am afraid You might harm me, I admit that I have doubts that linger in the crevices of my mind that You see me, and I admit that I don't always want to do what is right because I don't trust that You know better than I do.  Lord, my heart is black and my mind guards it.  Jesus only You can save me from myself.

“He is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them” 

(Hebrews 7:25).

Christ You live always to intercede on behalf of those who call on You.  I cannot tear down the guards in my mind, nor can make what is dark in my heart to be light, only You can do all this, and I pray that You do this for me today....and every time in after when I forget. 

even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to You. For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalms 139:12-13 HCSB)

You know me because You made all of me.  Every thought, word, desire and gift to make something for Your kingdom, but when I use those means for other ends I am the one who suffers.  Remind me that You are good and that Your love is great, because I it is, and I know this is true, but I forget because of the weakness in me. 

Weakness that brings me to my knees and also drives away my inclination toward exalting myself.  I am nothing without You.  I shrivel apart from You.  Nothing I do on my own amounts to anything lasting because You alone are forever, and by Your grace You've shown me well that fleeting pleasures end up in the garbage, but eternal treasures and knowing You are worth everything I have.  My entire life is but a small price to pay for the glory of riches that You give me, and when You speak I am firmly reminded of this epic reality.

Lord, my prayer is this: that You would speak to me, and open my mind to hear Your words.

Peel off my expectations, sweep away my doubts, swaddle  my weaknesses in Your arms, and when I close my eyes from the sin in me, I pray You kill all of it with Your mighty hand so that when I open my eyes I will see desolation of what You have slaughtered for me.  It is always another sweet reminder of how You are my refuge and the One who goes before me, You are mighty to save, it is You who makes the darkness light, and only You.  

Again, I pray, Father speak so that I listen.  Bring back Your promises into my mind and write them upon my heart.   May I never be far from Your words that powerfully protect me.  Every thing will end at some point, but Your words are forever. 

Do I get to have Your words and be filled by them so that I do not fade as well? 

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Life was in Him, and that life was the light of men. 

(John 1:1, 4 HCSB)

You gave Your life to give me light, and I thank You....I thank You with words in prayer now, because that's what I have right now, but when the time comes and I am given (by You) an opportunity to thank You in some other form (serving, giving money, singing, whatever it may be) I pray that You subtly remind me of how I can give You thanks with what I am given.  All of me is Yours and that's what makes my life light up.  

Speak Lord, search my heart, know my way, and if there is any part of me that is not in You, take it down. 

:)

In Jesus' name I pray, 

Amen.

Jmegrey

Fear

I used to be so afraid of my fears.

Fear of my self preservation,

Fear of my future, 

Fear of losing things or never attaining goals,

Fear of screwing up,

Fear of offending,

Fear of failing,

Fear of becoming ugly (does that mean I think I'm pretty, maybe),

Fear of rejection,

Fear of abandonment, 

Fear of missing out or losing out,

Fear of dying,

Fear of disappointing,

Fear of being poor,

Fear of never even trying,

Fear of living a meaningless life,

So many fears...,

You can see why I just wanted to get rid of fear, 

But now that's not what I want, nor what I believe that God wants.

I don't want to live my life fearlessly....

I want to live my life fearing God. 

Fear is a human capacity that every human being has, and how we use that fear is something we can choose to glorify God.  Not to be changed or to avoid worrying, albeit those are highly probable blessed outcomes, but to choose to turn my fear from everything and to fear God alone is best when it is solely to know how much God loves me. 

I love when I fear God, because it is in those moments that I feel His love most powerfully present and so profoundly real.  

Jmegrey

Heaven hearts and body parts

And answering they said to Him, "Where, Lord?" And He said to them, "Where the body is, there also the vultures will be gathered." 

(Luke 17:37 NASB)

It feels like a knife sinking into my heart draining all the blood from within until a small thinning puddle is left making me weak and unable to stand.  Depleting the body of its habitual pleasures is a violent kind of obedience.  It's not self control or discipline, but it's dying.  The process of "bleeding out" is the scary part.  Spiritually bleeding out until you are emptied of all your previous desires, previous goals, previous worries, and previous concerns for the future.  Giving your body over to the vultures, because in the end that's the only place the body will be.  In the mouths of vultures, your body will rot and decay.  Yet for now, while the body lives it feels right to think it will continue living forever, but everyone knows that time ages us, our bodies age, wrinkle, crinkle, sag and start smelling like death.  The scent of old age is a reminder that death comes to us all even if we manage to stay alive until our heads turn grey and our eyelids droop.  Jesus told his disciples to always be mindful of this reality, and to let it bring hope and joy rather than apathy and anxiety.  Hope because there is a new life that overflows with joy after we have spent our time here investing in eternity, storing up our treasures in Heaven by the means of money and resources given to us on earth.  We are all stewards sowing into the kingdom that God has graciously prepared for His people.  God sees the heart, and "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Luke 12:34 NASB)

What does that mean?  Where you treasure is there your heart will be also.  It means where your mind wanders to, where your money is spent, where your goals lie, all of those things help us see where our treasure is.  Are we treasuring eternity or the decaying body?  Are you treasuring the hope and joy God gives you today?  I know for myself fear tries to put me in a chokehold and feed me worry after worry until I can't help but vomit despair.  I easily forget that there is hope and joy beyond the life that is leading to the vultures.  I don't mean to sound morbid, but I'm speaking about our sense of invincibility and how it deludes us into thinking we have to "live it up", "yolo", and so forth as an excuse to get what we want now before it's too late. 

It's already too late, because those pleasures and desires cripple our hearts.  They make us believe a lie that having this or experiencing that is what will carry us in life, but when have you ever felt like getting what you wanted made you rest in contentment?  Rather, didn't it and doesn't it stress you out always trying to get what you want?  Always thinking "if only I had this or her/him, that, THEN I wouldn't feel this way."  We worry ourselves to death because of the things we don't yet have, and that is how it is already too late the moment our treasures are for the things in this life.  Too late, they vanish quickly.  Too late, they will never satisfy you to rest.  Too late, they will not stay with you on your deathbed.  These will all be left in the mouths of vultures, and Jesus is telling those who will listen to Hear Him.  Listen to His words and let the truth of His words bring life and light to your eyes!  Hope and joy are what He plants in the core of our hearts as we begin to treasure real treasure.  

But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. (Luke 12:31-33 NIV)

That is what worry does to me.  

Fear is the knife, and worry is the blood leaving my heart.

Lifeless.  Let fear stab you, because all of us were made to fear, it is a human capacity meant for our protection.  We fear a bear in the woods rather than amuse it, because it has the power to kill us.  Then we fear people, rent, or unemployment because they have the power to make us poor or homeless or hurt if we don't act accordingly.  Yet how many of us fear God?  

"But I’ll tell you whom to fear. Fear God, who has the power to kill you and then throw you into hell. Yes, he’s the one to fear."

 (Luke 12:5 NLT)

God is not a fluffy genie who will just hand out lollipops and flowers when we die.  God is a just God who created the universe under His authority and rule.  He is the king, and we are His subjects by definition.  Our King came to earth and died for us so that we would turn from our sin and acknowledge Him, because He so loved us and wanted us to be with Him forever.  However God and sin cannot coexist in eternity.  Our sin makes us unable to be in His presence, but when Christ died He took all our sins (past, present and future) upon Himself and clothed us in His perfection.  We were given the choice to not just depart from our old self, like a divorce, but to completely die to it and live in a kind of waiting position in Christ on this earth.  We live in Christ, only ...I repeat ONLY after we have died to our old self.  Now that doesn't mean we become floating spirits residing in a human body of Christ, rather it's the other way around.  Although we die and live in Christ, He is the one that dwells in our bodies and what it means to be "in Him" is our eternal heart (as mentioned above: our time, our goals, how we spend our money) are all in Him.  Inwardly, we place our core in Him who is in us, while outwardly our bodies inevitably continue in time and space reaching old age and eventually death.  The part about dying is our hearts.  It's a difficult thing to give up our hearts, as I'm sure most of us can attest to the fear of rejection when dating or pursuing some kind of human relationship (even as friends).  And so when Christ tells us to Give Him our whole hearts, we naturally recoil in self preservation and fear.  God is patient and kind.  He knows you better than anyone else.  He is not like your earthly father, your boss, your friend, or your lover, but He is your maker and the one who died for you.  

It will not do to just make a decision about believing in Jesus, and then working our way into being "good" followers--which is like divorce or separation (luke 16:18), but it will mean dying in our hearts and getting the heart that beats eternally for eternal treasures, essentially we receive heavenly hearts. 

Everything.

Every thing changes.

For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 

(Luke 12:23 NIV)

In other words, all the things we want and worry about to be comfortable and survive and thrive are things that really have no value when compared to the treasures of God. 

Of course after a good night's rest I'm brand new, and it feels silly to have feared and worried in the night, but I know from the past that it should not be taken in how I feel in the morning.  Out of sight and out of mind does not mean out of commission.  A mere separation from my fears is not the solution.  Dying in my heart (where all that fear is based) is the only and beautiful way to be in Christ--have an utterly new heavenly heart. 

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. 

(Luke 8:15 NIV)

Hear what Jesus says, give Him your broken heart for a heart that beats unending, and albeit maintaining the body which your new heart must reside in for the time being, be reminded that faith is not what we see with our bodily senses, but know in your heavenly hearts where your treasure is.  

Persevere in the body, be present in Christ. 

Jmegrey