He knows when I sit down

“Lord, You have searched me 

and known me. 

You know when I sit down 

and when I stand up; 

You understand my thoughts from far away. 

You observe my travels and my rest; 

You are aware of all my ways. 

Before a word is on my tongue, 

You know all about it, Lord.

See if there is any offensive way in me; 

lead me in the everlasting way.”

Psalms 139:1-4, 24

I'm sitting in my armchair, just sitting down and trying to gather my thoughts away from my body that just wants to turn "busy."  I'm sitting.

It's funny how simple David puts it:  "You know when I sit down."

God knows that I'm sitting in my chair.  So what does that mean?  Why is David so enamored and awed by this simple piece of truth that God knows when He sits down or stands up?  How many of my friends know that I'm sitting down now?  Perhaps the ones that read this blog, but let's say I didn't write it or post it...would anyone know when I was sitting at home in my chair by myself?  Clearly the answer is no.  But God knows.  He knows when I sit down.  This implies that He sees me.  

I think David was able to seek after God's heart because of this profound belief that God knew when he sat down or stood up.  It was the mundane moments that opened his heart to the true God.  The God that is ever-present and seeing you when you least expect that He is around.  We all want God to appear when things are going badly, but David knew that God was there when things were just him sitting or standing up.  The face of God and His loving eyes were always upon David, and that made David seek God to see Him back and to love Him back.  Being seen means we no longer live for ourselves.  

When I'm with a friend I'm always aware that whatever I do or say will be heard by my friend.  Therefore I hardly ever do anything or say anything that would directly cause hurt because I'm aware that my friend is there.  I do, however, say what I would want my friend to hear.  

David saw God as a friend who was always there, and that made his words and actions aware as well.  Even when he slept with Bathsheeba and killed her husband by placing him at the front of the war, David knew God was there and that's why it tore him up inside.  David knew that he had hurt God with his actions, because God was there when he did it.  

“Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, Lord.

See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way.”

Psalms 139:1-4, 24

I'm sitting down.  And you might be sitting too (if you're reading this) or you may be standing up.  God sees us when we sit and when we stand.  He has searched us and known us meaning He has searched the complex thoughts in our minds down to its root in our hearts.  What He sees is far more than just us sitting or standing.  He sees the connection our actions make to our hearts because He has searched and known us.  

God sees me now--In my chair, partly asleep, partly in pain from cramps, partly annoyed at the blemishes on my face, partly hungry, partly stressed over my studies, partly curious, partly confused, partly anxious, partly overwhelmed, and partly aware of Him seeing me.  

My prayer is for Him who knows me and has searched me to lead me in the way to everlasting life. To lead me into choices that will bring me more life than stress.  To lead me to more thoughts that will bring me more peace than anxiety.  To lead me to people who will build me up rather than tear me down.  To lead me to opportunities for growing rather than staying stuck.  To lead me in every moment whether I am sitting or standing or speaking.  

Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, because You have searched me and known me.  

You know. You see. 

So please lead me. 

Jmegrey 

Heavy, heavy Uncertainty

Nothing. Ex nihilo.

"Out of nothing" 

Once again I have nothing.  No words that satisfy....I have words but none that satisfy.  So I have something, but what is having "something" if it does not satisfy...nothing.  Nothing is worthless and meaningless and empty.  Does having "something" then mean simply a substance that can merely exist without any meaning?  If so then something sounds worse than nothing!  Something sounds terrible because at least nothing is empty by nature, but something that exists yet does not satisfy, that's just useless and pitiful...foul and hellish. 

God am I doing something useless? 

But if You're sovereign and You make all things work for good then even my useless "somethings" are Your meaningful satisfactions...right?  What satisfies You will satisfy me the more I get involved in this relationship. 

Yet I doubt without more information.  I doubt by the uselessness that I see.  I doubt by my weaknesses.  I doubt when I have nothing and then something, but none of it satisfies.

Where is the satisfaction. 

Heaven?

Jesus?

Talk to me Father! 

Why is it so hard?

Why am I so far from what I know is true and life?  Why can't You zap my heart and make it new.  My corruption is before me everyday.  I cannot bear it in me Father! 

Weak and exhausted.  I become sleepy, because unconsciousness offers a nothing or a temporarily satisfying something.  

Heavy, heavy are the first words to match my feelings. 

I cannot think the thoughts.

Heavy, heavy.

I want to forget. 

Uncertainty and inadequacy seep into me making my space dirty and polluted. 

God You saw me before I went to You. 

You had my feet head in Your direction.

You saw me where I was most lost in the nothing and most discontent in the "something". 

You saw me there when I did not see You.

God You took the direction of my feet from the day I was born and have been leading me on every path to get closer to You.  Conscious of where I end up, You lead me to each new and old place.  

I am good enough because of Your Son...even when I don't feel that way. 

When life is a blur and my hope is marred, You place my feet where they will lead me to You.  

God You see the direction before me and bring me closer to You through the turns. 

I'm standing in a pause, searching for You as if I could see You, but I do not.  Yet, You see me.  

I'm most myself when I'm brought to the place of uncertainty.  That is where I find faith, hope, and love.   

I'm on the edge of terror, and when I'm uncertain I am both most alive in Him and most aware of hell.  

Father,

Hallowed, honored be Your name.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give US this day, OUR daily bread,

And forgive us OUR debts, as we forgive OUR debtors.

Lead US not into temptation, but deliver US from evil, for Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory and honor forever and ever. 

Amen. 

Headache from the terror,

Passion from the Savior.

Jmegrey 

Losing control

“So I commended enjoyment 

because there is nothing better for man under the sun than to eat, drink, and enjoy himself, for this will accompany him in his labor during the days of his life 

that God gives him under the sun.”

Ecclesiastes 8:15

I've been feeling flat out exhausted and mentally unstable this past week.  My emotions have been like waves rising and crashing down on me.  I am left feeling out of control.  Nothing I hold on to stays and nothing that I search for is found.  I feel like I'm in over my head and close to drowning.

Drowning.  I can't say that I remember drowning as a kid because I have always known how to swim for as long as I can remember.  However, I remember the first time I went snowboarding and going down the mountain on my heels all the way because I was so unfamiliar with the way to stay balanced and my desired momentum.  I was getting used to it.  But after I got the hang of "carving" I started going faster and faster.  I remember a time when I was going so fast my heart was pounding because it felt like I was losing control more and more, my speed was at a pace that I would not be able to notice where the snow could be rock hard ice, and then I did.  I went over some ice and my board hit a rock solid patch which sent me falling face forward at a very alarming speed and my board unhitched from the rock and slammed into the back of my head.  I was traumatized by the accident.  Up until then I had been boarding for years without any sort of accident, but this one incident forever scarred my snowboarding experience.  I had lost control and because of it I paid the consequence of not so much pain, but untimeliness.  Losing control of the situation via speed was a barter I made and one that was met with a bash to the back of my head.  I could have died, or so I thought.  I could lose control in the future, I remember thinking that.  There could come another board to head incident, but maybe next time I wouldn't be able to simply rub my head and get back up.  

Maybe next time I could die.  

So I stopped boarding. 

It sounds silly, especially if you love snowboarding, because they all consider the risks within the learning process to be worth the development of the skill because it probably reaps a greater reward of enjoyment.  For me, that was not the case.  My fear of getting bashed in the head one last time was enough to leave the enjoyment of the wind rushing through my hair behind me.  I'll be in the cabin reading, thank you. 

Drowning is a scary thing because it is when we lose control of our perceived ability to "save ourselves" from death.   Snowboarding with incredible speed is similar to drowning except it is an intentional barter of losing some control for the sake of the adrenaline rush that you get in return.  Both scenarios take away a sense of control, albeit one is unintentional while the other is intentional.  The unintentional loss of control is like something that happens TO US not because of us.  The intentional loss of control is for us to gain something worth bartering for--a brief loss of control for a weighty degree of enjoyment. 

Which one is worse?  Losing control that feels unintentional or the kind that feels intentional?  It's harder to live with the former! Because no one wants to have bad things happen to them unintentionally, but yet we all live that way toward God.  When God says that the pressure is off and death is no longer a threat, that we are free to live and take risks and gain the enjoyment that comes with that--we instead live out of the more fearful place.  We live as if each day COULD be unintentional, neglecting that God has His will at work on earth as it is in Heaven, and His will is all intentional.  

We choose to think we are drowning rather than snowboarding. 

Haha.  Because giving God the intentionality for our loss of control feels heinous.  It don't feel right!  When we are "losing grips on our lives" or losing control in an area of our life or there is some unknown outcome at hand, we draw from conclusions in our innermost hearts that this COULD happen rather than that HIS WILL is happening intentionally.  

I hope to somehow gain deeper clarity in this area so that I can live more and more in the enjoyment of losing control rather than the fear of it. 

“For those who live according to the flesh think about the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, about the things of the Spirit.”

Romans 8:5

We are all dying in one sense, and those who have been raised to life in Christ are now living in Spirit until He comes to give us life eternal.  Which one are you living for....the flesh or the spirit, because one will bring fear and the other freedom. 

Jmegrey

Resolve: my will and God's will

I want a resolve Father!

“Lord, my heart is not proud; 

my eyes are not haughty. 

I do not get involved with things too great 

or too difficult for me. 

Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself 

like a little weaned child with its mother; 

I am like a little child. 

Israel, put your hope in the Lord, 

both now and forever.”

Psalms 131:1-3

This is one of those moments where I read a verse and it is the exact opposite of where I truly am.  I am not the calmed and quieted child who puts hope in God.  I am stuck in the confusion of trying to understand something but getting nowhere.  

My heart is probably proud because it insists on being able to understand and grasp what is making me....uncomfortable.  My inadequacy.  My troubled mind.   This begins to build the arrogance in me, because I will not back down not even for the sake of peace.  

My eyes feel haughty, seeing yet not perceiving.  I feel frustrated. 

This is too great for me.

This is too difficult for me.

But reading this is authoritative.  It is the Word of God speaking on my behalf as a prescription for my troubled heart.  It pierces my heart as the Word so often does.  This is true and whatever I may be holding on to in thought must submit to this truth. 

And so I pray, God, for mercy.  

I wanted...demanded resolve in my mind, but You remind me to rest in the mystery of who You are and who I am.  I am a child in the arms of an able Father who will bring all things to be according to Your will.  Help me rest in You and put my hope in You.  

“Or do you think that I cannot call on My Father, and He will provide Me at once with more than 12 legions of angels? 

How, then, would the Scriptures be fulfilled 

that say it must happen this way? ”

Matthew 26:53-54

Jesus could have had His resolve and been relieved of the pain he was about to endure, but He chose to willingly suffer rather than have resolve because He wanted it to happen if that was the way God, in Scripture, wanted it to happen.  He could choose relief from pain (pain resolved) or suffering in pain (pain unresolved), and He chose the way unresolved...because more than His resolve He put His final resolve in the Father's will.  

This is a difficult thing for me if I try to reason my way through it, but if by faith I take it up I can rest. 

Even in this I am a child called to rest and to quiet and calm myself.

The Father is good, and I am his. 

I may not know how He will be doing things or when, but I can choose to put all my hope in that His will is being done.

“God is not a man who lies, 

or a son of man who changes His mind. 

Does He speak and not act, 

or promise and not fulfill?”

Numbers 23:19

The mystery of God is revealed in Jesus, that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. 

I believe Lord, help my unbelief!

These are the moments when my world shakes me up.  I have what I believe, both in knowledge and in experience, and then I have the area where I am still being perfected through the process.  The vulnerable space where my heart is facing what the Spirit is changing:  my desires.  I am forfeiting self-glory for the glory of God to be made much of.  I can only do this if I am made more whole in Him than I would be if I got everything I wanted.  It's strange to think that everything I ever wanted was actually not good, because what I want by nature is death.  At the end of myself is me, but I am more me when I am less myself!  That is strange....how come I assent to this ridiculous idea?  Because the Word has revealed that I am a sinner and that Jesus has made a way for me to be saved.  I understand that I am broken, and because I see my brokenness and need for wholeness I see hope in Jesus.  

If Jesus is right about one thing, He must be right about all things because He is either the Son of God or He is not.  

The problem is my will. 

My natural love for human glory makes it impossible for me to know God.  I must stop seeking the love of human praise.  I need to be changed in my will.  To will the Father's will, willingly! 

Take it out Lord!  Take out my heart that loves human praise!  Change me God. 

I am the problem and the error, 

You are way and the truth to real life: the blessed life, the good life.  

The Lord's Prayer is a daily prayer, one which must be Prayed each and every day!

Abba Father, I need You to take care of me. 

My resolve is two sides of one coin: on one side it is me who is a baby on the other side it is God who is my Father.  What do I know??  Only that God is my Father, and I am just a child.  

I pray a deep will work to go on in my heart, so that I would be changed and my will would be transformed to Your will! 

Jmegrey 

To the coffee shop! (Here: Part 2)

Alright, so now that I'm here...the question is back to remind me: 

"What is Your will Father?"

Because I forget, and because He knew and knows that about me He sent me a gift to remember.  This gift is alive! 

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, 

whom the Father will send in my name, 

he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you."

-John 14:26

It is the gift of the King's Spirit!  A kind of radio sequence that dials only to the heart of my King.  So I have direct access into His heart, and therefore I can know His desire and His will depending on what His Spirit speaks to me.  

Tuning in.....turns into praying. 

This gift does not come with tangible dials or buttons, because it is a person.  This gift is accessed through relationship.  The more time I spend with His Spirit the more I am able to know what my King is speaking to me.  

So why wouldn't I be spending every waking moment with His Spirit?!  In the car, while I'm eating, at home, at school, the Spirit is within me and so it makes it even more convenient than if I were trying to have a relationship with another physical being.  Which is why Jesus said:

"Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you."

-John 16:7

If Jesus stayed then we would be trying to have a relationship with ONE person and only one of us could do so at a time.  He would have to drive with us, eat with us, or we would have to go with Him then wait for him to use the bathroom or take a nap or so forth.  But the Spirit is best because we have Him with us without all the limitations and inconveniences of a physical body.  We have Him in us, which is much more close than with us.  He knows our hearts and all the thoughts and fears and goals we might usually try to hide away from others in case they judge us or take advantage of us.  But we have the Spirit in us, reminding us of our citizenship back home and our call to know the King's heart as we carry out our lives according to what our King wills.  For we are His and under His protection sent to do what He wills.  

We are sojourners in this world.  

We are citizens of Heaven. 

Prayer is the place of tapping back into our reality of the truth.  When this world begins to use our bodily senses against us, what we see, hear, smell, touch, or taste, we have the Spirit of God within us that is not affected by the physical threats, and can therefore supersede their tactics.  Prayer is calling upon our King to guide us and help us sort through what our bodies feel and see from what our hearts know and believe.  

And I can attest most certainly that the body will see and feel a violently convincing contrast to what the Spirit reveals in prayer.  

Without prayer we are like unarmed soldiers walking into open fire from the enemy.  Prayer acts as a shield because it brings to mind the truth.  The shield is not against what our bodies see and feel but against what those things cause us to think and believe.  The shield protects our identity.  Without prayer we slip into the chaos of lies because the voice of truth is not being accessed by us.  All it takes is a moment of truth from the King, by His gift of the Spirit given when we were sent back into the Old Place through the door (that is, Jesus) from whom we received our citizenship the first time we walked through Him.  Jesus made a way, and we have access to the door at any time because we are citizens, but we have been called by our King to do what His will is now.  There is no threat of our new citizenship and the more we boldly do the will of our King the more we acknowledge our true citizenship.  If we are afraid and desire to go back before His will is done, we are not being true citizens, because it reveals our hearts being in a place that is not safe.  

The Spirit searches the heart, which for citizens is in the hands of the King in our permanent home, and therefore the King knows our hearts and can reveal what we need to hear from His Spirit.  The King speaks into our hearts, and the Spirit relays that message to us who have Him in us.  Our hearts have something like double locations.  One in us as the access point and home of the Spirit and the other location is with God in heaven where it will remain forever.  

This may sound confusing but it is like when you visit a friend for coffee.  You sit in the coffee shop and that is the place (location #1) where you can hold your conversation to know what's been going on with your friend, but the other location is in your head (location #2) at any given place you are at.  Because you carry with you the knowledge of what you know of your friend wherever you are.  And that knowledge or the relationship you have with your friend that you carry with you wherever you are can increase or decrease based on the times spent in the coffee shop. 

Likewise our access with the King by His Spirit in prayer is like the coffee shop, where we talk and discuss new things or more things in this space, but what gets discussed is then added to our relationship with the King that is permanent and growing deeper in Heaven where His heart is....and *drumroll* ....where OUR heart is. 

Is this confusing?  

Haha. I'm just trying to clarify the "double location" so that it's not as if we have two divided hearts.  It is one heart but not contained by any physical thing. 

I suppose if I refer things as the physical heart being the "coffee shop" but the contents of the heart are then transferred to where the heart will eventually end up permanently: in heaven with God.  

So back to the initial question:  

You're here now, and what was it that you were sent back to do? 

"What is Your will Father?"

To the coffee shop! 

Jmegrey

The door to Narnia (Here: Part 1)

Stepping in through the door that leads to Narnia is an epic experience...at least it sure would feel that way if I imagined it.  

Imagine finding a door in your closet, behind all your coats and cardigans hanging there, reaching to find your way to something you've been told is there: a door to Narnia.  

Narnia is a place unlike the world you currently live in.  Narnia is ruled by Aslan the great Lion who loves and protects his inhabitants as a just and merciful King.  He's the type of ruler who would, at any given moment, for any one of his inhabitants both big and small, lay down his own life to save theirs.  Does your president lay his life down to save yours?  Does your president even know your name?  In Narnia the King knows his inhabitants by name.  

Narnia is ruled by goodness, and since goodness reigns there is freedom to do all kinds of things like go for long horse rides through the woods and befriend whoever you come across and join new friends for dinner or build great halls for dancing and celebrating.  There is no threat of anything getting stolen or people closing their hearts to you in hospitality when you need it.  So much freedom allows for so much adventure.  The inhabitants live as if there were nothing to fear in life, because in Narnia there is no fear under the King who knows all that goes on and is ready and willing to save you.  

So in case you were vaguely imagining any other kind of Narnia less than that I wanted to set your perceptions straight.  Imagine that is the door to Narnia at the back of your closet.  

If that were true, would you venture to walk through that door?

What would you find?  

Who would you be?  

How would being a citizen of Narnia affect you and the person you are?  Since who we are at present in this world is deeply impacted by our limitations and fears, what would change in Narnia?  

Would you be the same person in Narnia as you are in the world you live in?  

The door to Narnia is an observation worth pondering if it indeed does exist.  If it's just fantasy and not real then it's not worth thinking about.  

We want the truth because the truth in our minds will shape our lives as people who either step into Narnia or those that walk right by it.  

What is the truth?  

Is there a door to somewhere unlike the world we live in now? 

Is there a door?  How can we be sure...or assured that there is?  If God said there is would you believe Him? 

“So Jesus said again, 

“I assure you: I am the door of the sheep.

I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved and will come in and go out and find pasture.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

“I am the good shepherd. I know My own sheep, and they know Me,

My sheep hear My voice, I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish — ever! No one will snatch them out of My hand.”

John 10:7, 9, 11, 14, 27-28

--in this New Place behind the door there is no escaping the safety of the King.  No one is ever too far from His watchful and protective presence.  The inhabitants, or we the sheep, who enter through the door will find a new kind of life.  A life that can be examined by the way we begin to live.  No longer carrying our past lives full of mistakes and failures which were due to our fears in the world we lived in, but a new kind of life that shows itself in the way we treat one another and the way we drink in the reality of our new home through the door we walked into.  If we find our lives unchanged in the new place, bringing with us the life we had into the life we are given through the door it would be rather strange to think that we have truly made it our home.  We would be more like foreigners who do not belong.  We may find it strange to notice all the differences, and it may take us some time to truly make the new place our home, but in our hearts we would desire the New Place more than the world we left behind.  We begin to plant and produce things useful to our new neighbors as they had done for us when we first arrived. That is the difference between a citizen and a sojourner.   A sojourner thinks that this New Place is temporary and not their real home so they will probably take from it as much as they can to bring back to their real home without investing in the kind of lifestyle a citizen would.  

“Therefore, leaving the elementary message about the Messiah, let us go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, faith in God,...

For ground that has drunk the rain that has often fallen on it and that produces vegetation useful to those it is cultivated for receives a blessing from God. 

But if it produces thorns and thistles, it is worthless and about to be cursed, and will be burned at the end.

For God is not unjust; He will not forget your work and the love you showed for His name when you served the saints — and you continue to serve them.”

Hebrews 6:1, 7-8, 10

--Which one is home and which one is temporary?  The citizen adds to the life cultivated by the King of the New Place, but a sojourner stands at a distance without fully immersing into the life and culture of the New Place because it is not home.  The sojourner may partake in some things or enjoy aspects of the New Place but in the end they eventually stop and discontinue their work with the other citizens.  They do not continue when they no longer desire to stay.  Those sojourners go back to the world they came from because that is their home, they are citizens of the Old Place.  

If we become citizens of the New Place then we find that we are now sojourners in the Old Place.  And we may go back temporarily for reasons only known to the King.  But citizens of the New Place know that the King only commands what is good because His nature is goodness.  So if going back as a sojourner to the Old Place, but as a citizen of the New Place, is asked of us then it is good and right for us to carry out whatever the King of the New Place asks of us.  For our citizenship is made more permanent by our relationship to the King of our Home.  The citizens of the New Place can go wherever the King calls us to because for us the King is able to reach us wherever we are and for any reason and for our protection.  The King has promised us our citizenship no matter where we are, we are His people. 

“Because God wanted to show His unchangeable purpose even more clearly to the heirs of the promise, 

He guaranteed it with an oath, 

so that through two unchangeable things, 

in which it is impossible for God to lie, 

we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to seize the hope set before us. 

We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain. Jesus has entered there on our behalf as a forerunner, because He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.”

Hebrews 6:17-20

--I find myself looking for the door again at times, forgetting that I've been through the door and made into a citizen so that the search for the door is no longer necessary.  I am what I was looking for already, sent back now to the Old Place for the mandate and commands given to me by my good King.  I am sojourner now in the Old Place, yet still fully safeguarded in my identity as an heir elsewhere.  So, when the time is right to be brought back home for good I will be ready and eager to see the King and present to Him what He had sent me to do.  

Your will be done, my King who is also my Father.  If home is where the heart is then my home is in Heaven with You though my body may be here.  Hold my heart safe and secure with You while I carry out what Your will is down here. 

"For where your treasure is, 

there will your heart be also."

-Luke 12:34

Jmegrey 

Humble Formations

Help me God, my Father.

Help me.

I am in need of You.

Your presence. 

Your promises.

Your love.

You.

Now.

Here. 

I'm fading in the flesh.

____________________

Rising in Your Spirit. 

“Peace I leave with you. 

My peace I give to you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Your heart must not be troubled or fearful.”

John 14:27

Not the peace that the world gives which alleviates our present circumstances and provides instantaneous comfort by money, health, and safety.  

No, not that sort of peace ...

but one that transcends time.  

Peace that comes from knowing that the end is secured and finished for us, and that these present painful circumstances are bringing our hearts into humble formations.  

Humble formations are able to see the face of God as King and Father.  

Bowing our head in recognition of His authority and power, but being brought into a place of honor and glory as a son and daughter of God. 

Why do we forget so easily?

Our humility turns so quickly into pride as if we can't lose this last shred of dignity by recognizing our need and our weakness in some area. 

Why do the feelings leave us providing ample fuel for doubt to get the upper hand? 

When we start to feel unliked, unaccomplished, or left behind then the more we start to believe we are those things and then everything we learned and heard from God is suddenly out the window!  

Why do the days keep going on and on as they do? 

No matter how much I want to think this moment matters in getting what I want, which I can never truly actually pinpoint, it will eventually fade away into a distant memory weeks, months, and years from now.  I want something, but I'll want something again and again and again, because my heart outside of Christ is an endless pit of needs and wants....emptiness trying to fill up. 

What are You speaking Father? 

I'm waiting now, listening now, praying now. 

When will You make known Your heart to me? 

More and more I get thirsty and hungry for more of You, because where you are is where I am home and full of love, but apart from You I can do or be nothing. 

When will I be transformed by Your grace more fully? 

I get deflated by the sin sickness I see in me and around me and in others, but I know that at my funeral all that will be remembered are the things You produced from my life that were good.  Help me live a life focused on Your goodness. 

Humble formations: 

I acknowledge the childish heart in me that gets so cranky or upset at not having my way.  I fuss and throw these inner tantrums and I refuse to accept the peace You give me.  I cling so tightly to my thoughts, I start to hate You.  I don't want to listen to You, I don't want to believe that I don't have to be anxious or worry or rushed, I would rather be upset at You and blame You for when things don't go as planned, because I wanted things a certain way.  I can throw a fit and wail my arms and turn my back on you and roll my eyes and start to bubble up inside with stress and frustration...or I can cry.  

I can cry because at the end of all of that fighting with You, I'm just me and You are still You.

Humble formations is recognizing where I stand  at the foot of the cross.  Humble formations show me what I am and who You are.

But I hate it.  And then I hate myself.

I couldn't breathe and I couldn't gather my thoughts in a coherent way. 

My body aches and my mind is restless. 

What was then and what is now gets all mixed up.  

Some days there is no conclusive bridge to close the gap from my heart to my head.  There is only faith in what I do not see happening.  Only faith will bring me home at this point.  Only faith that feeds on humble formations.  

Jmegrey

Thought War

“For though we live in the body, 

we do not wage war in an unspiritual way, 

since the weapons of our warfare 

are not worldly, 

but are powerful through God 

for the demolition of strongholds. 

We demolish arguments 

and every high-minded thing 

that is raised up against the knowledge of God, 

taking every thought captive 

to obey Christ. 

And we are ready to punish any disobedience, 

once your obedience has been confirmed. 

Look at what is obvious. 

If anyone is confident that he belongs to Christ, 

he should remind himself of this: 

Just as he belongs to Christ, so do we.”

2 Corinthians 10:3-7

The battle is one of arguments, thoughts, and fought only by prayer and by faith in Jesus to fight our battles for us!  We just entrust ourselves to Him.  Cleave to Jesus!  Take cover in the refuge of His love and take refuge in the will of the Father being done today! 

What is obvious?

Have you looked at what you are worrying about?

Is that worry too heavy or too complicated for God? 

Have you looked at something hurtful done to you in the past?

Was that experience not guided by God's hand of love to bring about something good? 

Have you looked at your present circumstances?

Is God too busy to care for all your needs today? 

Look at what is obvious.  

And know God. 

The victor is the one who sides with the Victor. 

Obviously. 

Jmegrey

Two different daughters, two different healings

 Two "daughters" 

“When Jesus had crossed over again by boat to the other side,"

--because when you roll with Jesus you get to where you need to be no matter what.  You're getting to the other side with Him. 

"a large crowd gathered around Him while He was by the sea."

--imagine a large crowd, like the crowd at a football home game or the crowd in Times Square on New Year's Eve or just imagine being immersed in a concentrated group of people haha--

"One of the synagogue leaders (a man who had great influence over the people like Pastor or Samonim), named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at His feet and kept begging Him, 

“My little daughter is at death’s door. Come and lay Your hands on her so she can get well and live.” 

--You know when you're desperate for something when all pride and image goes out the door and you get on your knees with tears and snot and persistence for what you want!  That's how you know what or who you love....it hurts to feel like you're losing it or that person, and the more it hurts the more you will do whatever it takes to keep it. 

--Some people beg God for money or beg God for health or beg God to get into the school they want, because begging shows how much we need and love something or someone.  That's why when we break down before God in worship it just shows how much we need and love God.  

--Jairus loved his daughter, so when she was sick and dying he got down on all fours because someone he loved was slipping away and Jairus wanted to keep his daughter with him.  

--When something we love feels like it's slipping away, our reputation, our money, our Beauty, our image, we can measure how much we loved something by how painful it is to let it go.  

--When it feels as if God is slipping away, or you are slipping from His presence do you cry out desperately?  Yet, even when we do not love Him He loves you.  And is relentless in chasing you because that's what love does, love never gives up.  God loves us because when we run from Him it hurts Him and He will do whatever it takes to have you back, even dying for you.  But love is not a one way street.  We love God back only when we first realize how much He loves you. 

"So Jesus went with him, (Jairus) and a large crowd was following and pressing against Him."

--Now, Jesus had a task to do.  He was set on seeing Jairus's daughter, they were on the move.  Sometimes we get a call during the day to do something, and we set our steps to get that task done, a program, a meeting with someone, homework, bible reading or hanging out with a friend...but sometimes God interrupts our task...

"A woman suffering from bleeding for 12 years had endured much under many doctors."

--Imagine if some part of your body never stopped bleeding and you had to somehow block it or get dialysis done every month to stay alive.  You went to doctor after Doctor but after spending $1000s of dollars none of them could heal your bleeding.  You just kept bleeding.  And people thought you were gross or unhealthy.  You were viewed as sickly and a sad case of what they would never want.  You were like trash to them, because what you were was something no one wanted to be.  (Especially in that culture where blood was viewed as unclean if exposed). It would be equivalent to someone with AIDS or warts all over their face and body.  So that wherever she went she was never considered pretty or valuable or precious.  That was the case for this woman.  Step into her shoes, for a moment.  Become her because we are her. 

"She had spent everything she had and was not helped at all."

--She turned to this and that hopeful thing or person trying to heal her brokenness.  Trying to get better, trying to be whole, trying to be happy....maybe for some of us we try to fill our selves with achievements or making our parents proud or having a nice body because we think "then I'll be happy"...but you will find out sooner or later that spending your time, effort and money on getting that wholeness outside of Jesus will lead to nowhere...because eventually your achievements will be outdone by someone else, your parents may never be satisfied or if they are they will eventually pass away and with them gone who will you live for to be proud?  Eventually your own bodies will become old and decay with age until your skin is a thin crepe like layer revealing your brittle bones and insides.  All the help she was searching for was failing, and these failings lead her to desperately reach for Jesus.  All she wanted was to be made well...maybe she stopped caring about what people thought and just wanted to live at this point or maybe she wanted to be well so that she could have more friends...we don't know for sure, but what we see is that she got to a point where she was desperate to be healed. 

"On the contrary, she became worse. 

Having heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His robe. 

For she said, “If I can just touch His robes, I’ll be made well! ” 

--Now step into her shoes.  Here's a person who is the unloveable reject among her peers and fellow citizens.  No one wants to be her and she knows this because she doesn't even want to be her!  Have you ever not wanted to be you? It's a really terrible feeling.  To not want to be you means you find yourself worthless and despicable.  Yet there is a clear desire in her to be loved and accepted, heard and held, understood and valued.  For that is the broken image of God in all of us.  We were made for fellowship with a loving God.  So she reached for Jesus in this moment of vulnerability.  Knowing she was unclean and that Jesus would probably treat her just as all her peers had she wasn't going to bother him for his attention, but if the rumors were true and he was the Savior of the world then perhaps if she just touched the hem of his robe as he passed by she would catch some of His saving power and be healed.  

Jesus was, after all, on his way to another sick daughter to heal her, the daughter of an important man of influence, a daughter who was so loved that her own father would beg Jesus to come heal her....but this woman, no one would beg on her behalf.  She came alone.  People probably were snickering and staring at her trying to touch the robe of Jesus like a crazy woman.  She didn't care, she was too broken to care, she was so broken it brought her to this place of doing whatever it took to touch Jesus because in Him she had hope that if He was the Savior then He might be able to save her too.  

"Instantly her flow of blood ceased, and she sensed in her body that she was cured of her affliction. 

At once Jesus realized in Himself that power had gone out from Him. 

He turned around in the crowd and said, 

"Who touched My robes? ” 

--Now, continue to be her in this moment.  You have suffered bleeding in your body for 12 years which means you have suffered being the leper in your society, someone people pitied and did not want to be...you were rejected for 12 years and hated being yourself because you were never good enough for the love of others or never valued as someone worthy of  anyone's time and care because you were gross to people.  You lived as an outcast for 12 years and on top of that you were dying!  You have been bleeding internally for 12 years spending $1000s of dollars in hospitals and seeing doctors who only left you worse than before.  Then all of a sudden, in that moment of desperation and hope in the man passing by said to be the Savior of the world, you reach for the hem of His robe and instantly you know you are healed.  What would you be feeling?  What would you be thinking?  You are healed!  Your 12 years of pain has stopped!  Can you imagine being her.  Because you are her, just not always physically but spiritually.  We were dying too, destined to utter darkness away from the only source of love, our Father who made us, because of sin in us.  What sort of Jesus have you encountered?  What sort of Jesus did she encounter? This woman who had been bleeding for 12 years and suddenly was healed just by touching the hem of Jesus's robe as he was passing by her on his way to heal a loved daughter.  First of all I would be shocked, speechless, and just dumbfounded for at least the first few minutes.  Then it would probably hit me: ...what just happened.  I got what I wanted....but now what?  I wanted healing....but was that all she wanted?  I think that was all she was aware of wanting because it dominated her life, but once she was healed its kind of like...reality check...life is still just as it was before.  But Jesus knew what she really wanted because He knows what is in all of us, that broken image of God in us.  To be whole.  To be loved.  To be God's child.  Even if she wasn't fully aware of that yet Jesus was and He cares for our needs even the ones we do not know about.  He knows what we need because He was with God in the beginning when we were being made. 

"His disciples said to Him, “You see the crowd pressing against You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me? ’ ” 

So He was looking around to see who had done this."

--Jesus was searching for her.  He knew very well who touched Him.  He's God.  He was asking and searching for her for her sake.

"Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came with fear and trembling, fell down before Him, and told Him the whole truth. 

--She told him the whole truth.  That she was unclean but she had the audacity to reach out and try and touch him.  That she did touch his robe, even though she knew she was doing this selfishly because touching his robe meant that he would be considered unclean, but all she wanted was to believe that He was the Savior of the world.  All she wanted was to be healed.  It says she told Him the truth in fear and trembling because she now knew that He was God.  And she had been a reject and undervalued human person for 12 years, if people rejected her then it made sense that Jesus would too...

“Daughter,” He said to her, 

“your faith has made you well. 

Go in peace and be free from your affliction.” 

--This is the only place in the entire bible and in the ministry of Jesus that It is recorded of Him calling someone daughter.  Because Jesus knew that more than healing her bleeding she was need of being healed of her rejection.  In this crowd all around them, looking straight at the woman who was the town reject for 12 years and who had a reputation of being gross and unloveable, uncared for, pitied and never valued as a person, Jesus, who is known and famous for being the Son of God ...people are crowding around him just to hear him speak and to get a look at his face, this Jesus turns and stops in his tracks, on his way to the daughter of Jairus the well known pastor, he stops and turns around.  Do you think He didn't know who touched Him?  I think he knew exactly who had touched Him.  He knew her well, and he wanted to make it known to all the crowd that this was His daughter.  She was not only healed of her physical bleeding but she was healed of the greater internal emotional bleeding of having never been loved.  He declared it before the crowd "daughter your faith has made you well."  She was no longer unclean, no longer unloved, no longer without a father.  The King called her daughter, claiming a new identity over her before all the people.  

"While He was still speaking, people came from the synagogue leader’s house and said, “Your daughter is dead. Why bother the Teacher anymore? ” 

--Jairus's friends came and said "well, too late now for YOUR beloved daughter Jairus.  She's dead.  While Jesus had stopped to help this woman, your daughter suffered the consequences and time ran out.  She's dead"

"But when Jesus overheard what was said,..."

--Say what?  What was that?  Oh heck no.  These guys think they know what's up.  Oh, you think I don't see what you're doing?  You think I'm just taking my sweet time as if I don't know what I'm doing?  As if death itself could stop me?  I'm Jesus.  Recognize.  

"He told the synagogue leader, 

Don't listen to these suckers....jk 

"Don’t be afraid. Only believe.”

Mark 5:21-36

Jesus knows what He is doing.  Whatever situation you may be in, maybe you're the bleeding woman who has held rejection and pain for most of your life or you're Jairus on the verge of losing something or someone you love, Jesus is the Savior of the world.  

Don't be afraid.  Only believe. 

--What I often pray nowadays, and this has become my practice or my dates with God, is to say: 

"Here's my situation God."

I will not fear it for You are the Savior of the world.

Here it is, here's the whole truth of it, and here I lay it down to you.  (Followed by snot and tears, most of the time haha because it comes from such a broken place of needing love.) 

You are getting to the other side.

He is making all things new, even things you didn't realize were in need of being made new or things you thought could never be made new again because it died a long time ago.  

This is Jesus.  

He is never a moment too late.  

Where you are when you find Him is where He intended to lift you up.  

Look at Your Savior! 

Some of you have kept your eyes on the things you see like your sickness, your addiction, your bad habits, your unloveliness, your rejection, your loneliness, or the impending possibility of losing out on something you want or someone you love.  Lift up your gaze higher.   

The Savior of the world has come and He has called you:

beloved sons and daughters.  

Don't be afraid.  Only believe. 

Discussion groups: 

Who do you relate with more and why? 

Jairus or the woman? 

What is the difference between the two? 

Why does Jesus call the woman "daughter"?

What would you do if you were Jairus and people said it was too late? 

Which daughter experienced the love of God more? How so? 

Jmegrey 

Unstoppable God

Though the violence befall me 

Though the killers approach me

Though fire and hell appear before me

Though my own thoughts betray me

Though my heart fail me

Though the world mock me

Though the cold strikes me

Though the pain overwhelm me

Though the burden weigh down on me

Though my sight scares me

Though the feeling leave me

Though fog threatens to swallow me

Though my hunger take control over me

Though the darkness cover me

Though discontent infects me

Though my friends abandon me

Though my own family leave me

Though the ones I love reject me

Though all may seem to hate me

Though the skies crumble over me 

Though the wall stand tall to stop me

Though my limbs lay limp beside me

Though I fall and the cause be only me

Though Your presence unsettles me

Though death itself finds me

I will remain in You.  

Safe and sound. 

You make all things new.

You turn the bitter into sweet.

You bless the broken pieces.

You give comfort to the crying.

You give joy to the sufferer.

You smile upon the servant.

You welcome the child-hearted home.

You sing me to sleep.

You give me a new song everyday.

Your mercies are new every morning.

Your kindness leads me to repentance.

Your grace is enough. 

You are always with me. 

You are for me.

You are my Father.

You are good.

Your love endures forever.

You are the beginning and the end.

You do not sleep or slumber.

You defend the poor and powerless.

You hear the prayers of the broken-hearted.

You accept a cheerful giver. 

You provide for all of my needs.

You see me.

You died for me.

You gave Your life to be with me. 

Remember the truth

Separation is preparation.

Pain is walking into the plan.

Faith is being uncertain. 

So many small anecdotes I have learned to help me -R E M E M B E R- because human beings have a brain that is so dang wildly mysterious and oftentimes out of control.  We forget certain things or we choose to hold on to certain thoughts or we twist certain truths into a lie or ugly lies into better looking lies to justify ourselves.  We must be good and right.  We must be found not guilty.  And we run from being found out or naked and exposed. 

So remember.  

There is only one truth and one way and one Life, and His name is Jesus. 

I've got a training method that makes more sense than the wild behavior of my brain being allowed run wild as if it always held on to the right thoughts and let go of the bad ones.  

All of that is connected to desire, and honestly I have some desires that are not good for me so I know the desire will subtly manipulate my thoughts to get what it wants.  Which makes it sound like my desires are not me, when of course they are me and they are my responsibility, but I'm more and more sure that I'm wrong.  So even though they are me, I am wrong!  This realization helps me trust myself less and trust the only truth, Jesus, more.  He is right and good and perfect in all of His ways.  

My desires are not always right.  For example, my desire to get perfect grades without having to study will twist my thoughts into somehow justifying cheating which I know is not good for me, even though good grades are good for me, especially if I manage to get them by using an optimal way of studying efficiently.  Howeevr, somewhere along the way things get real twisted.  I want to be skinny but I also want to eat a lot.  Meaning I should eat a lot of healthy food and workout because I can get what I want, but things will get twisted and I'll try to starve myself instead or overwork my body in ways that are not healthy. 

Desires that are not centered on Christ lead to destructive behaviors that harm us physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.  

But when I -R E M E M B E R- I'm wrong I can  humbly bring my thoughts to be renewed by the Word of God.  He is the truth that rescues me from myself. 

About the plan I'm walking into: 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

-Jeremiah 29:11

About the impossible obstacle in front of me: 

"I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you"

-Isaiah 43:2 

When I begin to fearing losing or missing out on something:

"Don't be afraid, little flock, because your Father delights to give you the kingdom"

-Luke 12:32

When physical pain hits:

"For it has been given to you on Christ's behalf not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him,"

-Philippians 1:29

When I forget what love looks like and if that's what I'm showing to my friends:

"This is how we have come to know love: He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers"

-1 John 3:16

"No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends."

-John 15:13

When I lose hope in myself:

"Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God."

-Psalm 43:5

When I can't feel God near me:

"And remember, 

I am with you always, 

to the end of the age."

-Matthew 28:20b

When I forget who God is: 

"Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

When I feel like there is no justice:

"Therefore, this is what the LORD says: I am about to plead your case and take vengeance on your behalf; I will dry up her sea and make her fountain run dry."

-Jeremiah 51:36

When I'm feeling weak as heck!:

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

When I lose my way and think that God has abandoned me because things are so bad:

“And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”

-Isaiah 30:20-21

When I forget just how much God gave up for me and that He is holding back good things from me:

"He did not even spare His own Son but offered Him up for us all; how will He not also with Him grant us everything?"

-Romans 8:32 

 When I get confused by what I hear/see/feel about who I am or what my circumstances mean: 

"Absolutely not! God must be true, even if everyone is a liar, as it is written: That You may be justified in Your words and triumph when You judge."

-Romans 3:4

All I do is win.  

When I'm unsure about taking on a new thing or taking a risk:

"so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it to do." 

-Isaiah 55:11

It's all God!  He is sovereign and whatever I do will be His will being done as I only commit my ways to Him.  Through and through. 

So many good words of truth in the Word.  It's my food.  My breath of life again and again.  My resurrecting love.  

Sometimes we forget.

Actually everyday we forget. 

We are always receiving grace for our forgetfulness! 

But these truths bring us life.

They remind us: -R E M E M B E R-

When what you know in your head and what your actions reveal to be in your heart don't seem to match up, that's when we are being called to remember.  

I often pray this prayer: 

"God, what's going on in my heart?"

Then I open up every ugly thought and let Him show me what's beneath the anger or the busyness or the exhaustion or the boredom or the anxiety or the fear.

Then I pray:

"Remind me of the truth."

Because it is written: 

"When the Spirit of truth comes, 

He will guide you into all the truth. 

For He will not speak on His own, 

but He will speak whatever He hears. 

He will also declare to you 

what is to come."

-John 16:13 

Prayer is a pause to remember the truth, without which we live a lie.  If we are forgetful then prayer must be just as habitual as thinking.  

Jmegrey 

Christ-centered clarity

Christ-centered clarity:

Last night I had a dream that I was trapped in darkness, in my dream I reached for my phone for light but it wouldn't turn on and I had nothing.  The darkness felt so scary and lonely. 

I ran to find someone to be with me, to be a source of comfort for me, but the person I found was a person who was stuck in a nightmare of their own.  The person was half awake and half dreaming like myself and I was shouting for that person to wake up saying it was me, because that person was someone I was close to but that person couldn't hear me.  Instead, that person was trying to hurt me because that person was stuck in a nightmare too and thought I was trying to hurt them.  It was the weirdest thing, but I woke up (for real) and I began to pray.  When I woke up my body was so tired, but my mind was a violent storm making it impossible for me to fall asleep despite the weight of exhaustion heavy on my body and eyes.  So with whatever physical ability I had, which was so little, I prayed for God to help me in the name of Jesus.  I prayed for God to help me fall asleep in the name of Jesus, to calm the storm in my head, the violence in my spirit, and He did.  But before He did He spoke to me. 

I was so scared because in my dream the person I went to for safety and comfort became the killer, but I realized oftentimes when we are stuck in our own self-centeredness we don't mean to hurt others but we do because when Jesus is not at the center of our lives then destruction is automatically at the center because people are all then trying to take and take from other people.  When we live self-centered lives we, too, become hurting machines, expecting things from other people that only God can give us, stuck in our dark sleep state expecting other dark sleep-stated people to give us what they can't!  They are trying to take from us to help them but we are trying to get from them and two negatives do not make a positive.  We destroy each other unintentionally. 

I think I dreamt this because the night before I got so upset and hurt by my close friend.  God reminded me that if my friend (or any person for that matter) is not living a Christ-centered life then they are stuck in a sleep state of self-centeredness.  

I will never find comfort or safety in another person stuck in a nightmare of their own.  Only in Christ.  When we are all Christ for one another we can be a source of comfort and safety for one another, but we ourselves need Christ at the center of our own lives first.  What I needed to do was see that I needed to find my security in Christ again, and not blame my friend who could be stuck in a sleep state of their own and unable to wake up let alone provide for me what I could only find in Christ.  

I needed to wake up from my self-centeredness first.  Press into my source of Life which is Christ and then I could help my friend only by giving them Christ through my actions and words.  Treat them the way Christ has treated me, give them what Christ gave me.  Compassion.  Forgiveness. Grace. Unconditional love.  Mercy.  My life. 

The ones who are awake can help others, but when we are ourselves are stuck in our own self-centeredness we are like sleeping zombies.  Let's wake up so that we can give Christ to others instead of take and expect things from them....we won't find what we are looking for in another zombie if we continue to be zombies ourselves.  We will end up hurting one another over and over.  What we can do is wake up and realize that our help comes from God alone--our comfort, our love, our acceptance, our hope, and our life comes from God at the center of it all.  When we wake up we can then begin to help others wake up too and point them to the source of life, Jesus.  

I'm just a fellow woken-zombie bringing Christ to my fellow sleeping zombies; the only One who is able to wake them up and bring them back to life.  Not I, but Christ. 

Jesus is the only way, truth, and life. 

We come as we are because Christ knows our deepest darkest secrets.  We are like the Samaritan woman at the well who meets with Jesus and is exposed for everything she has done and tried to hide.  Jesus calls out her promiscuity or whatever shame it is that makes her lie about not having a husband, and He gives her the truth.  She starts to question Jesus about whether He is greater than Jacob, the man of God, and Jesus is like "Yep, yes, I am."  

Haha.  

Because He is God.  

None is greater than God Himself.  

 

“You aren’t greater than our father Jacob, are You? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and livestock.” 

Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again.  (When we try to find life in anything or anyone other than God we will end up thirsty again, eventually.) 

But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again — ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.”

John 4:12-14

Let's wake up and give Christ to one another today, the only source of true life.  This is indeed the truth, and the only way.  

I was gently given the truth again to wake up from my self-centered life and put Jesus at the center of it all.  That is to have life everlasting.  Any other person or thing at the center of my life is eventually going to run out, and when it runs out it means the end of life: destruction.

"Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

-John 14:6 

Let's not remain zombies, but Christ is able to wake us up and live.  

To Him be all the glory and honor forever and ever, Amen. 

Jmegrey 

Sometimes I hate to think, but I do it.

I can't think or I don't want to think or I have no energy to think or I find it annoying to think.  

But I must think for that is all I have...to move on.  He won't let me give up. 

"What the heck" and a feeling of deep sorrow are my only two companions tonight.  For my sin, for my hurt, for my heart--a mixture of self-loathing and confusion and being hurt by others.  Being hurt by God. 

I'm floating away on a piece of driftwood into seemingly placid waters.  I see the fog of apathy creeping up on me, telling me that it will numb the hole in my soul.  Filling the brokenness with vapid thick air.  Cooing me to come and sit down in the nothingness of it all where nothing matters.  No point will mean no pain.  But no point will mean no plan, and no plan will mean no person.  I am called into the lie of being destroyed.  I cannot drift into that.  So I paddle back, away from the siren's song, with steady movements I fight the urge to forget the pain.  If the pain will mean a plan then it means I'm a person.  I matter.  When people stop having a point they lose their identity, people without a plan mean they don't really exist.  They're merely shells waiting to expire.  But I have a soul in me, I feel the plan like an ember, true as the pain.  

How many times have I asked:

"Where are You God?"  

The pain means I'm a person and there's a plan.  Without the pain there would be no love.

How was it in paradise?  Did Adam and Eve know love from having been dust and brought to life all of sudden by God's breath?  Were they aware of who or what they were before God breathed life into them?  Did they wonder ....who God was?  

How did they know Jesus?  Was Jesus the Word spoken to them by the Spirit telling them who God was?  The way He does for us now....?  How did they know God? 

They were human.  They probably didn't know much.  They were naked and unashamed. That's more human than what we know now...and Jesus came and He was unashamed, albeit clothed because of the world.  Maybe knowing right from wrong was not such an important part about being human, maybe it was walking with God and being loved by Him that made humans really human.  Completely naked with God, secure and sinless.  

Jesus restored what was broken by the fall of mankind.  He gave us that freedom again...to be sinless and naked before God, beloved again.  He gave us our humanity back.  

I did it.

The ugly truth about me.

Next to the beautiful truth about Jesus. 

The two intertwine like vines and branches.  

I am the recipient at all times because of who I am in Christ. 

I didn't do it. 

The ugly truth about me.

The beautiful truth about Jesus. 

The two truths open my eyes to unfathomable grace in new unfathomable ways! Haha 

I'll praise Him. 

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, 

and why are you in turmoil within me? 

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, 

my salvation."

-Psalm 42:5

Whether in much or in need I will praise Him.  In all circumstances, postures, and in every moment I am always a recipient of His love and shown amazing grace.  

You are always with me. 

Thank You Jesus for what You've given me.

 Spirit lead me out of my grievous ways into Your ways which are higher than my own.  Help me walk in the humility of knowing myself for who I am in order to walk in the glory of who God is!  

Father, speak.  

Hold me. 

Remind me.

Put me to sleep.

Sing Your song over me. 

Show me Your glory.

Bring me back from the drift.

Rescue me.

Renew my strength.

Refill my heart with Your Word.

Restore unto me the joy of my salvation.

Let me not live another second without You closer and closer. 

If tomorrow I go blind I would cry.

If tomorrow my life be found to be on edge I would cry.

If tomorrow I lost a loved one I would cry.

If tomorrow the world hated me I would cry. 

If tomorrow my friend left me I would cry.

If tomorrow I lost something good I would cry. 

The future holds much to bring me pain. 

But pain reminds me that there is a plan because we are having our humanity placed back on us by blood of another person.  

Pain is necessary for us to know truth.  

Knowing right from wrong is pain, 

but Christ is truth.  

We live with both, 

Jmegrey 

Prayer of a recipient of love

Lord, 

I just want to sit at Your feet and be with You.  But time calls and beckons for my attention, people to meet, places to go, events to attend to, studies to begin, classes to attend, books to read, messages to write, but above all of that...it's always about You.  

So here I am.  Meet with me.  Open my ears to hear Your sweet whisper of closeness.  Open my heart to be aware of the truth of what You're doing to bring me closer and closer. 

Soften my heart to make me receptive and repentant.  Humble me if I've falsely outgrown the depth of Your grace in my life.  Lead me quietly by still waters as I remember my identity.  Yours. 

Lord I feel the brokenness of where I used to be, and the brokenness of where I see some to be, and I need Your presence to be with me to remind me that You're here now.  You're here now and You make all things new.  You are mighty and You are God.  You are sovereign and You will have Your good and perfect way.  I rest in You. 

Jesus.

“Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. 

But let him ask in faith without doubting. 

For the doubter is like the surging sea, 

driven and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:5-6

“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without favoritism and hypocrisy.”

James 3:17

Lord give me wisdom to love like You do.  Sharpen my understanding and breathe into my mind the very essence of Your heart for me so that when I speak it will be Your heart speaking through me.  Give me patience and endurance, but let me not be alarmed when painful exhaustion or confusion begins to rise.  Let me take those as cues for Your presence taking over.  You speak through me, but You also remind me that it is You.  At times, I feel unsure because I begin to lose strength to carry what I am given, and it is then that I realize You are carrying me. 

I can breathe easy in Your arms, so remind me again and again to welcome the weakness and have it be a call to Your arms of love. 

Lord, 

Father...

Dad.

You and me.  No one could love me like You, because You are the Creator of love itself!  No one could love anyone the way You do because we are all products of Your love, but You are the very nature of love.  

We are recipients of love, but You are love.  Funny how as recipients we try and pull love out of other recipients expecting to have endless amounts of love from a recipient when the storehouse of love is You.  We can run out of love by running away from You, but You never run dry.  

Take me deeper into Your heart where I swim in amazing love unending, unconditional and irresistible.  Refuel my storehouse so that I may overflow again.  I think I almost ran out haha and I was reminded I needed more of You, because I am not on my own...but I receive in order to give. 

In the name of Jesus, Your precious Son and my precious Savior and loving brother, and by Your Holy Spirit in me I pray confidently as Your own daughter, 

Amen. 

Jmegrey