long walks and long talks

       So I tend to over think things, but only to the point where I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to take a nap or do something to numb the feeling of hopelessness of utter confusion...and I rarely carry my thoughts out far enough to make some sort of detangling conclusion nor do I utilize the resources available to me (because I'm lazy).  I find that long walks help me avoid just spiraling into a dismal place, especially when I walk with a good friend.  Something about good company and moving my legs, fresh air, the sky, makes me feel less cornered.  Even if the words we exchange have little to do with what's in my heart or mind, there's a strange connection between sharing stories, laughing, walking, talking, all of that stuff, that help me see again and again where I am.  I don't want to keep looking at the future, because I'm only a phantom in the future.  I am more me in the present, tangible, alive, seeing, breathing, speaking, laughing, crying, loving, singing.

       Sometimes I slip down my thoughts and suddenly everything becomes a potential danger, to the point where I'm swallowed by fear and I have to go into the small corner of my mind where it's most safe, but really that's the most dangerous place to be.  In a corner.  I don't want to admit that I'm afraid, I want to be brave and willing, active and a voice amidst conforming slurs...but what I want requires more.  I need God.

       I am starting to be ok with feeling pain.  To know that I will fall apart on some days, maybe even on most days for the time being, but the more I fall apart the more I come to realize that I need God, the One who created me, to make me whole.  To be my joy.  To be my reason for living. There's comradery in bearing the storm with/to someone, because we all need God for something, actually for everything.  It's the part of laying down my pride to ask for this help that I need to get over, and then to be grateful when the person doesn't go running for the hills.    

  It's a struggle; some days more than others, but allowing others to see my struggle helps me find hope again.  Hope anchors me to the light, long walks and talks are like a beacon in the storm of my confusion.  I highly recommend them.  

JmeGrey