On being Wrong!

"You're wrong."

The words hurt more than I know.  They bring up my insides revealing indignation, insecurity, fear of man, and hopelessness. 

Sometimes being wrong is more than a black and white situation.  Sometimes it's being wrong even when your intentions were meant for good (or so you thought, maybe, maybe not).  I used to staunchly believe that so long as my heart meant well, that would carry me through any situation.  God saw the heart, and He couldn't possibly expect me to always get it right, but so long as I meant well or did something out of the desire to do good, then even if it was the wrong move, I'd be safe.  Safe in my heart.  And now, as I'm getting older, and realizing how sick my heart is, it's not as dependable as I once thought.  

Here's the thing, I think it's good to mean well, there's no argument there.  However, just because you mean well doesn't mean things will then go as your good intentions planned.  For example, I might, out of a desire to show love for a friend going through depression, tell them that they are going to be okay, and that God cares for them, and then proceed to day after day visit them at their home bringing them food and keeping them company, find one day that they committed suicide.  (I hate this example already).  Anyway, the point is, I would be mad at God, or at the very least extremely self-critical of what I may have done wrong.  In other words, I was wrong about something, whether that was the way in which I helped this friend (thinking maybe I should have prayed more or brought in more help, or the list could go on) or it could also be that I was wrong in the way I viewed God's part and my part in all of it. 

In some way, shape or form something was wrong, someone was wrong, and that feeling of wrongness is what I find is extremely unsettling.  It's like eating crap.  

Sometimes we are just wrong because we're less knowledgeable than we thought, that feeling sucks too.  

But I want to identify that being wrong goes beyond the amount of knowledge I can rack up through school, media, books, etc.  

Being wrong is in the core of every human being, and this is a wrong born of sin, and all have sinned.  

You're wrong, I'm wrong, and everyone we know is wrong.  So why are we all trying to be right?  And by be right I mean those times we beat ourselves up because of a bad situation.  On a more personal note, Why is it that I fear being wrong, and then proceed to stay in this state of oblivion....this fantasy of "maybe I'll get it right next time!" 

I do this to myself!  A cycle of never ending disappointment, mostly in myself, but often including others as well.

This is enslavement to worry, to anxiety, to fear, and to the Father of Lies.  Yes, that's right, to Satan and his devil minions.  If you don't believe they exist then the fault is still on you and your sole core of wrongness, but if you do believe they exist then the fault is shared :). Of course this makes little difference to the fact that you're wrong. 

So then, if I sound like a Debbie downer by this point it is because I'm trying to make that very point!  Being wrong sucks!  It's a downer!  But does that now give us grounds to try and find some "other truth" in order to escape feeling helpless?  Sigh.  I wish we could all serve God AND feel happy feelings all the time, perhaps even based on our good intended hearts (if such a thing exists), but experience will reveal that things just don't flow the way we want them to all the time, regardless of our intentions.  So what then?  What's the point of throwing your crap in your face (although I hope I was much more ladylike and gentle about it than that)?  The point is...

Being wrong stinks.  In a more serious tone, my hypothetical friend who committed suicide is beyond words a painful situation--as I'm sure it has actually been in some people's lives, and I'm sorry and just floored by it all.  The depravity that goes on in this world is enough to make one suicidal.  Now what drives people to suicide, I don't know, but I do know that the truth of the gospel drives me toward Jesus and Life.  Not initially, because first I always have to pass through a desert of painful realization, and these are periods that happen throughout my life in all kinds of varying time frames.   Then comes a powerful BAM! recognizing that I need Him not just on the level of my mental agreement, but by a deep personal leading of the Lord in my life.   Because anyone can recite a bible verse and then say "I'm a sinner I need Jesus" or read a Timothy Keller book and mistake a strong sense of agreement as one's own faith being actually swept up by the truth of it,but (which I realized I do all the time!)

On a fundamental level, being wrong means that someone else is right.  Absolute, perfect rightness.  It's so shiny and ...and Perfect! 

We crave it, I crave it, I want it, but I also don't know if God will give it to me or what it will mean for me.  There are so many risks in trusting God, am I right or am I right?!

People tell me to "just trust in God" and inside im thinking "huh?!?! You don't make sense!  I will slap you!". Outwardly, I politely nod and say "yes, thank you, amen."  And continue to struggle.  But what if we were all honest with one another?  That's hard because people are judgmental and unforgiving.  It's true, I've experienced it.  So then the only way to be able to be honest with the body of Christ is to be in Christ, putting on His perfection rather than our own, so that when our own is judged by others we can say, well that WAS me, but not anymore.  It's still hard, I know!  

Because it's never "just trusting in God."  It's dying and then banking on Him to raise you up in the future.  It's faith without conditions, because unconditional faith is the only kind of real faith there is. 

So I go through these crazy moments of considering the cost again and again, and it's usually followed by immense bawling (and yawning because I always feel really tired after crying so much.). But more than considering the cost, more specifically it's giving everything to Him that makes me start crying.  It's giving Him my fears, and part of me is crying because those were mine, under my (elusive) control.  I cry because it hurts to realize the truth.  I cry because everything about me is wrong and that sucks and so that's part of the crying too.  I cry uncontrollably thinking of all the people I hurt, all the people i love that I could be helping if I were in Christ, and all the people who have hurt me in the past.  Then I cry because God loves me so much, man I cry so much when I hear Him tell me He loves me.  Amidst all that ...amidst the combination of crying for selfish reasons, with sprinkles of sincerity in wanting to give Him my life, but the bulk of it being from my pain and agony over not getting my way...and being so cranky about that, I give God that, and He loves me.  

I don't know what to expect, exactly, and I'm grateful that I'm tired after these bouts of tearful dialoguing with God...so that I fall asleep.  And I can look forward to the morning.  To be surprised by joy, maybe, but mostly to wake up to God and be with Him in wherever I go.  If it's another dark night of my soul, so be it.  Even depression is a doorway to Him, because the light shines in the darkness.  All is light with God.  

So I'm learning theology and mostly learning how far from my heart all of what I'm learning is.  And perhaps how far it will always be, because the point is not about me being right in life, but about being in Christ.  Maybe I'll be more theologically right in Christ, haha, I mean if I'm theologically wrong in Christ then one of them ain't God.  So the two should go hand in hand, but the focus must always be on the real deal rather than the doctrine.  

So in the end, taking the truth, in this case on being wrong, I can begin desiring God again.  Not just because in Him I am right, but mostly because in my wrong He said that He loves me.  He loved me in my sin, and sent Jesus to die on a cross in order make a way for me to be right in Him.  

Being wrong makes the gospel Good news for me. 

So then, on the issue of community I can continue in Christ, to love the body of believers, even if many times that means just sitting there (when I don't want to be there) and being with them, silently.  Sometimes all I can do is sit there, and that's enough.  

Because that's all I can do.  

Give what you can, even if it doesn't meet your standards.  God sees everything, and gives grace to the humble. And grace is one of those things that is like a wild card in a very good way.  You definitely want grace, yea, grace is very good.  

And the only thing better than grace is God Himself.  I want God more, to know Him more, talk with Him more, hear His voice more, witness my life in His plan more, and just to be more and more near to Him.  The closer the better, until I'm with Him forever.  

Jmegrey

(Photo from buzzfeed, and not my own)