God,
I'm frustrated that there is no certainty, no sign, no conviction or fullness in my heart to reassure me that it's You. I know I've sinned deliberately, I know I could have done better, I know I made bad choices, and I understand that comes with responsibility, but what about Your gospel? When I think about Your gospel, that no sin or bad decision is more powerful than Your gospel, I find I must be forgiven and sometimes it fills me with the presence and taste of Your love and grace, while today it just fills me with suspicion and guilt. I need the truth to settle the thoughts in my heart.
God, my Father in heaven. I'm sorry. And I'm not sorry with tears or with the right thoughts or even the right heart. I'm sorry because I miss You. I'm sorry because I want You. I'm sorry because I know You mean more to me than my idols, yet I fall for their momentary seductions ...just like the prostitute that Hosea married.
I'm sorry because without You there is no me.
What am I looking for Lord?
What exactly do I want?
Why do I feel stuck, yet know that I can't be stuck if I have You always with me?
What is going on in my heart of hearts?
Spirit, search me and know me,
See if there is any grievous way in me,
And lead me into life everlasting.
It's like cotton in my mouth or wool over my eyes. It feels like a stomach ache or cramps.
The chaos of my lost soul is wandering in futile places searching for futile answers, and then I'm flat on the ground with my cheek to the floor staring at the nothingness in my life. Without You there is no meaning. Without You there is no life for me.
Yet it is strange that hope will not leave me. It is so persistent, it's like a tick in times like these. When everything isn't what I expected, and in fact it's all quite out of my hands, hope will not budge from me. Are You pushing me along to the next area of growth? Even in my disobedience, are You having mercy on me?
“And this will be My covenant with them
when I take away their sins.
Regarding the gospel, they are enemies
(the Jews are enemies to the Gentiles in regards to how they upheld the Law)
for your advantage
(to be free),
but regarding election,
(but some of the Jews, even if wrapped up in the Law are still loved and saved because they are Mine by My will which is irrevocable)
they are loved because of the patriarchs,
since God’s gracious gifts and calling are irrevocable.
As you once disobeyed God,
but now have received mercy
through their disobedience,
(God even uses disobedience to fulfill His will)
so they too have now disobeyed,
(Their disobedience was in living by right and wrong, the commandments of God, rather than by the gospel in their heart of hearts)
resulting in mercy to you,
so that they also now may receive mercy.
(From those who have the gospel can now show mercy on those who live by obedience to the commandments of right and wrong, aka: the Law)
For God has imprisoned all
in disobedience,
so that He may have mercy on all.
Oh, the depth
of the riches
both of the wisdom
and the knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments
and untraceable His ways!
For who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been His counselor?
Or who has ever first given to Him,
and has to be repaid?
For from Him and through Him and to Him
are all things.
To Him be the glory forever. Amen.”
Romans 11:27-36
Again, it is true. This is the truth, and it's overwhelming that such a gospel has been given to us, to me. So unbelievable at times, because I know how wrong I am! I feel the law at work in my mind and in my body! I have shame and guilt and despair ready to break the dam and drown my soul. Yet there is the bright morning star, Jesus, and I am carried above the waters and into this glorious gospel.
Despite no strong feeling of joy or even gratefulness, although there is a little (the size of the hope and belief I have in the gospel), I can feel the battle of light against darkness in me. Where there is no joy there is darkness, but even the dark is light to You.
“even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book
and planned before a single one of them began.
God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend; how vast their sum is!
If I counted them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up,
I am still with You.”
Psalms 139:12, 16-18
All my days have been planned. Last night was planned and written in Your book, today is planned written in Your book, and 5 years from now is already planned by You and written in Your book.
Even now, Lord, capture my thoughts that accuse me of what's right and wrong!
“I beg you that when I am present I will not need to be bold with the confidence by which I plan to challenge certain people who think we are behaving in an unspiritual way.
(I feel in myself a fear that others may begin to think that what I hold as truth is unspiritual or wrong, but Paul reminds all believers that this battle is not about the behavior or external things that are visible...because if that were the case then I am definitely wrong. I see sin everywhere in me, on me, coming out of my actions!)
For though we live in the body,
we do not wage war in an unspiritual way,
(We do not wage war against the behaviors or the external sins of the body)
since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly,
(The weapons have nothing to do with what we see or do in actions, our weapons are not to try harder or become better or change our behavior)
but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds.
(Our weapons tear down the root beneath those actions, which are of a spiritual nature)
We demolish arguments and every high-minded thing that is raised up against the knowledge of God,
taking every thought captive to obey Christ.
(The thoughts are what matter, and the thoughts obey Christ, even if the actions do not)
Look at what is obvious.
If anyone is confident that he belongs to Christ,
he should remind himself of this:
Just as he belongs to Christ, so do we.
(Because nothing brought me to Christ save grace, so nothing of what I see in another believer will qualify that person as saved or not, because by grace we all stand equal with one another. Whether some look or appear to be more "holy" while others appear "rebellious" it does not make a difference. It is obvious that if I believe I am saved, like Paul writes here, then I know others who believe are also saved since there is no visible measure of qualification, only grace. So I take that as an internal cue in my thoughts that when I begin to think another person is wrong or doing something that is not what a saved person should do, I will remember it is grace, and if I am saved, then so are they. Amazing....that makes me love them rather than judge them. God is a genius. It also means that if I feel judged for my decisions as being wrong and fear grips me, I can relax because I am saved by grace. Wonderful, wonderful.)
For if I boast some more about our authority, which the Lord gave for building you up and not for tearing you down, I am not ashamed.
(Only when my authority is God can I boast, because if it were me I would be ashamed. I'm not qualified, nor am I clean or holy enough to direct anyone toward God, but I can do so unashamed because it is God who has cleansed me and called me to this glorious gospel that builds the hearts of those who believe in it up and not tear it down. This is why I can share the gospel unashamed despite what I know to be true about me, that I am the worst sinner I know, because it's not by my behavior that I am able to boldly speak but by this gospel that saved a wretch like me. I am one beggar among many beggars pointing to where we can all find bread!)
For we don’t dare classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves.
But in measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves to themselves,
they lack understanding.
(May I always look at Jesus and not myself when I feel the need to be reminded that I am right...that I am perfect and righteous. In such a way I will always be right haha, so when I am wrong I know I've stopped looking at Jesus!)
We, however, will not boast beyond measure but according to the measure of the area of ministry that God has assigned to us,
which reaches even to you.
(Whatever I do in ministry, I do because it is the Father's will that it be so. Whether it looks to me like it's flourishing or failing, I drop all expectations and hold on to my desire to please Him, without knowing exactly what that looks like. So that in everything I do I will naturally give all the glory to God, in every circumstance and in all my relationships.)
So the one who boasts must boast in the Lord. For it is not the one commending himself who is approved, but the one the Lord commends.”
2 Corinthians 10:2-5, 7-8, 12-13, 17-18
How do I know I am commended? Because I am clothed in the obedience of Jesus. An alien obedience! It is not my own but a gift!
Okay, there's my certainty. My joy. My refuge. God, keep me here in Your presence all day, everyday. Remind me when I forget. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the One I love. Take my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it more than I ever could!
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Here there by Thy great help I've come
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love
Songs of the heart,
Jmegrey
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