Postpartum week 4

7/12/18

They all say “it gets better” and I see other parents thriving (or so it seems from photos) and I just think...”what’s wrong with me?”  I lose sight of the PROCESS and the way God works in all of us individually.  Not everyone has an easy birth or a colicky baby or cancer or owns a condo—we all have a story to share about who God is and what He has done in our lives.  We are all witnesses. 

What’s my story?  It seems my story is one of learning to form a Christ-centered, Christ-exalting, Christ-honoring marriage.  My story is about the powerfully painful process of my expectations being shattered when I had my first child.  My story is about how God healed me from bulimia.  My story is about how I still struggle with wanting to be thin.  My story is about how my relationship with my family has gotten so good!  My story is about how much I have loved leading the high school youth students at my church.  My story is about many failed relationships before I met my soul-mate and best friend, Ben.  My story is about heart ache from many confusing nights about my faith to many tears of joy through my seminary years of walking exclusively with the Lord.  

And now here I am raising my first child, and they say “it gets better.”  There might come a day when I wear cute clothes again and work out and hang out with my girlfriends over oat milk lattes and have my baby in the stroller who’s wearing a cute outfit and a big bow head wrap.  But right now that is just not the picture in my very real life, and it may never be the picture.  Right now it’s sleep deprivation, it’s gaining weight, it’s feeling fat and consequently ugly and fighting to hold on to my confidence as a daughter of the King and not in my physical appearance, it’s cleaning and sterilizing bottles, it’s sore sore sore nipples, it’s lots of crying from my baby, it’s back aching, it’s tiredness and helplessness, but it’s also deeply pressing into my Savior for help and courage to continue walking in His will.  

“My eager expectation and hope is that I will not be ashamed about anything, but that now as always, with all boldness, Christ will be highly honored in my body, whether by life or by death. 

For me, living is Christ and dying is gain.

For it has been given to you on Christ’s behalf not only to believe in Him, 

but also to suffer for Him,”

Philippians 1:20-21, 29 

My story isn’t over, and everyday the words written about my life are being carefully penned by my Heavenly Father.  He is writing my life into His good, pleasing and perfect will.