The rain is crying heavily outside my window, veiled by my thin curtain (which could also be used as a luxurious scarf) and hideous plastic blinds. A nice juxtaposition of pretty and cheap, which is mostly bad, but in times like these priorities are food, friends, and fun times. Interior decorations may take a stand later down the road when I have a family of my own and Jones's to keep up with...but I am hoping that will never be the case. Perhaps hideous blinds should ground me as a reminder to be content with the important things; to reiterate: friends, food, and having fun! Although the right decor, and searching for it, can be quite a fantastic endeavor to share with someone who has a spectacular eye for what looks good. Am I right or am I right?
I just heard the squawk of a very angry eagle or hawk through those same crying windows, who have now settled to a soft sobbing. Weather is a good metaphor for our emotions, hot and sunny one day, then cold and rainy the next without so much of a gradual transition. I get caught off guard by my "feelings" these days, I put "feelings" in parenthesis because they're so ambiguous and often misleading for what's really going on inside. They do an H-E-double hockey sticks of a job covering or smothering the deep gnawing truths we are so afraid to confront. Fear is a terrible feeling when it is ambiguous, like being in a dark room only to discover that it's actually a dark place, much wider than you had anticipated with sounds and objects that have no definite shape or origin that your mind can comprehend. Confusion mixed with fear is a deadly combination, and yet I find myself naturally wanting to find a corner rather than a light to expose what is confusing me. I have to muster the boldness and intentionality to find light which I know will take away most of the confusion and thus weakening the fear. I am weak and much more fragile than I like to admit, but I love a God who knows these attributes about me, and that is immensely comforting. Like a lover who knows you don't always feel beautiful and thus continues to daily remind you with affection and words of adoration without a trace of sounding tedious or repetitive. God daily reminds me that He knows I am fragile and prone to be gripped by my confusing fear, and therefore assures me that He loves me when I find traces of light and also, and perhaps more so, when I crawl into a corner to hide. It is His love that compels me and catalyzes my intentions to continue to find light, because He is in the light.
Nashville is getting warmer and sweatier. I have about a month and a half left on my current lease, and it will be time to move. I have, for so long, wandered around, searching for a place to call home, but after 20 or so years, I think I'm finally discovering that home is nowhere to be found, but rather a state of gratefulness combined with usefulness in efforts that reach beyond my selfish wants. To volunteer and help the countless people who have lost so much or who are hurting so much, and to be thankful for each day that I can see and speak to friends who shower love and laughter with me. This is beginning to sound like a cheesy hallmark card or philanthropic speech, but it's about my heart. To face the truth that no matter where I am, or what I have, be it much or little, there is a reason for my life, and that reason always reaches farther than what I think of in my feeble mind. I am hands and feet and eyes and ears and voice that are instruments for greater things than just myself; I am meant for others to know and experience love and joy. This is important. This makes me happy more than anything else I can think of, so the question is why I am so short sighted when it comes to this truth. Again, I am fragile, and fear projects my greed that says I need to take care of myself or no one else will, but I can't even do that, I've tried taking care of myself and it never pans out as well as when I put my trust in God to take care of me as I do what He asks of me ...for others. Thank God for grace and new mercy every morning. So I strive to practice generosity, regardless of my circumstances. Light is in me, even when it's not around me.
I would like to visit Alabama and the other surrounding states soon. Perhaps as a side trip, to get to know the South more. It's so interesting to see the contrasts and similarities between the West and the South. People and places help me see more clearly, just how desperate we are for Jesus, though most would not recognize it as that, I see it and hear it the more I see and hear people.
I feel like this post is so heavy, emotionally, and that just seems unfair to my readers. Like they expected some light hearted feel-good or humorous entry, and got whammed with this. So i'll say what I thought the other day at the park. I was reading while leaning semi-cozily against a pillar of the Parthenon, when after several hours I had neglected to tune into my body and it hit me like a volleyball spiked at my face that I had to pee. Now, if you know me at all or have spent more than 3 consecutive hours with me and are decently observational, you'll see that I have a propensity for using the restroom. I don't know if it's OCD or if I just have a really small bladder, but I was making my way from the Parthenon back to my car, in order to drive to the nearest clean bathroom (ie: chipotle or panera), because the port-a-potty's at the park are gross, as most are) when it hit me that if I were born a boy I would not have as much of a problem finding places to pee. However, instead of wishing I were a boy, I realized I should first wish that I did not have this OCD or small bladder to begin with. haha. Ok. You still got gypped, but my humiliation should count for something because being vulnerable is priceless in this day and age. :)
-Jme Grey
The joys and frustrations of knowing and understanding an invisible God
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