searching for God knows what

I read a book by that title, by Donald Miller, but this has little to do with that (I would say nothing, but the book probably touches on similar sentiments for which I am using that same title).

I'm not working today, and my heart is suddenly finding it has time to examine things that aren't perfect.  My old wooden floors that need cleaning,  the strange and ominous gaping hole in the wall behind our toilet, the cockroaches I've seen (which have since been "terminated' by the pest control yesterday, but which still haunt me and taint the perfection of our very imperfect apartment), the fact that I've not yet published or submitted a single piece of my writing, that I'm not dating someone ridiculously handsome who loves The Lord with a fiery passion and loves me perfectly, that I have a list of books I still have not gotten to, that I have to sew a button on my favorite pair of shorts, that my hands have become very dry from washing them so many times at work, the fact that I'm 26 and compared to SOME of my friends appear to be behind, the fact that I still have not taught myself to crochet, that I've not yet been to Rock Island or Cummins Falls or even just Chattanooga, that I miss my dog linus (even though I never really took good care of him and he never really got potty trained),  that ....this and that and him and her are all just things and people scraping away at my attempts of painting a perfect portrait of what would be called "My Life".  I could go on mentioning the rust in my sink, the passive aggressiveness in me toward people who don't do simple etiquette, my landlord who has not returned my phone calls and text messages about this months rent since we were told we would get a discount for the leakages, and how tired I am, confused about whether or not I'm actually hungry, and how I miss my family and friends back in California, but I won't keep going.  I'll stop.  

       I can't seem to keep up with perfection.  I know my worries and anxieties stem from wanting perfection, and it's ludicrous to allow myself to think that perfection is possible, because nothing and no one is perfect except God.  I am searching for things and people of perfection, when really what I should be searching for is God, because He is perfect.  So where does one start when searching for God?

       I've read the bible, I've prayed, I've talked to spiritually mature people, and I've cried out to the whirring silence of my room for Jesus to reveal himself to me.  I mean, is everyone as lost and confused and broken as I am?  When I'm not busy with work, not succumbing to addictions and bad habits, not talking to a friend, not dating anyone, not starting a new project, and not sleeping, I am here.  In the comfort of my room (or sometimes in the comfort of a coffee shop or park), I am quieting the mindless things, the meaningless things (which begs the question of what is truly meaningful?), and I sit and ponder...and almost always my thoughts start pointing to all the things in my life that need repair or that could be better.  What a strange and immediate response to my attempts at deep reflection.  

       So here are some things and people I am most assuredly thankful for:

1.  I have such a spacious and beautiful room, with the help of my dad and Home Depot I love how my room makes me feel at "home"

2.  I have a number of best friends that I know would help me in a moments notice (you even know who you are!)

3.  I have three sweet potatoes all baked and ready to eat waiting for me in my kitchen.

4.  I live in Nashville, in a great area, near even greater people, and my church.

5.  I'm not super ugly, I mean, I'm not very discontent with what I see in the mirror

6.  I have really great parents, and a really strong relationship with my mom

7.  I'm not allergic to something that would make my life sad (like grass, or coffee, or pears)

8.  I have work that pays the bills and some nashy thrills ;P

9.  I've got good teeth

10.  I don't have acne.

11.  I've travelled to several different countries

12.  I've never really been in want or in debt

13.  I have had very kind and generous managers/bosses in the past and presently

14.  I found a great rug for my room, probably perfect in my opinion

15.  I have some cute dresses

16.  I'm thankful for ears to hear music, arms and legs to dance to music, and eyes to see how silly everyone else looks when they do the same

17.  I'm thankful for epic views, mountains, waterfalls, the sky right before the sun goes down, the sky right before the sun comes up, and when the air smells minty.

18.  My Prius :)

19.  the moments I am surprised by God's love and goodness (like when I find a great parking spot or make a new friend just when I needed one, or bite into the most wonderful juiciest white peach)

20.  I'm grateful that my life is filled with good people, good things, and God.

I found peace already, granted I know the uneasiness of my wants/lack of perfection will scratch at my mind again, it's important to remember all of the good things that fill my life.  That life is more than myself (my looks, my money, my accomplishments and the number of people who know what I've done, haha).  I strive (sometimes in agony or pain) for good things, and in that striving I am learning and shaping my character into being more like Christ,  who is perfect in every way.