Transparency reveals our poop.

I read an article by an intern at a magazine that I dreamt of writing for who wrote something very similar to what my cousin who is a young lawyer also told me.  He wrote something along the lines of this: that upon being hired he had always imagined that at that point he would know what he was doing, would be ready and prepared to do his job decently well.  He wrote that it surprised him how much he still didn't know, but more surprising was the amount of responsibility and trust he was given to do something even though he himself felt very incapable of being entrusted with what was given to him.  My cousin used to say, at the beginning of her career as a lawyer, that most of the time she felt ill equipped to really do much, but that she sort of just went with it and maybe did things she had no clue about.  The intern said he didn't feel qualified, and my cousin said she wasn't sure what she was doing most of the time.  Both of them had reached a place, whether by an outside perceived qualification, networking, money, education, or mere chance to perform a task for which they felt unqualified for.  Yet they were there and they did what they were told to do, they performed, they tried, and both of them probably got better as time passed.  The interesting thing is that they had no clue, most of the time, what they needed to do in their given positions.  They winged it.  That's what we do to help us survive, and in the workplace that is a great way to grow.  Messing up helps us see and improve our weaknesses.  

However, this sort of transparency is not always sought, we would rather keep that information within ourselves, hide it, keep it under all the smiles and laughter and fun Instagram posts.  We can hide it extremely well from others, but we cannot so easily hide it from ourselves.  We try to though, because we want to believe that we are not all those inadequate and ugly things-- things like greedy, vain, selfish, lustful, jealous, angry, out of control, lonely, scared crapless, or whatever else.  So we try to distract our self awareness with all kinds of things.  We pick our poison: drinking, dating, sex, food, exercise, working, gambling, movies, and so on.  We get good at finding ways to not have to see what's really inside of us, but if you're human then you know that whatever the distraction, it can never fully help us ignore what's gnawing inside of us.  We want to fake it and hope that, like the intern and my cousin, that things will eventually just get better.  That we will catch on soon enough, and that it'll get easier, we just have to keep at it.  But the thing about that intern and my cousin is that they were transparent about their thoughts, they knew that they really had no idea what they were doing, and I think that's why they do what they do so well.  They are aware, and in order to be better you have to be aware of the truth, no matter how embarrassing or shameful your transparent self may be. 

For me, the most effective way to get me to start comprehending who God is starts with my transparency.  I heard a few pastors and leaders who began their messages by being transparent, and it really encouraged me to do the same.  It was a reminder to myself that I can see goodness, Gods goodness, only when I see what is bad in me to place it side by side.  If I cannot see myself then I cannot fully see how good God is.  In the same way we can't really see a flashlight when it's turned on in full daylight, but when you take it into the darkest room there it is the brightest it can be.  The same goes for grace.  I still forget grace all the time.  There more days when I numb myself to the debt Jesus paid for me.  It's easier for me to ignore recognizing grace because I naturally forget; so it feels easier to sin.  And because sin feels good I just let myself forget everything until I do what I want to do.  I just want to sin all the time, I want to forget grace and I want to let my desires and my feelings just dictate all of my decisions because that takes no work at all in the present moment.  It's only afterwards, the consequences and repercussions that have me crying out to God to save me.  It feels wretched!  But when I cry out it feels like I'm being sincere, when I just look at my tears it feels genuine and emotionally powerful, God must hear me now in this state if wretchedness and brokenness.  So does that mean God does not see what was really inside of me, just because I refused to see it myself?  If I do not see my heart, does that mean I can hide it from Almighty God as well?  Will He hopefully just see these tears, my trembling, my desperation and empathize with me?  Or if God truly sees all things, does he also see my fear of punishment and consequences?  Does he see my inward foreknowledge that I probably intend to sin again knowing that I can probably ask Him for forgiveness again afterwards?  Does He see that it's all about me?  Does He see that the moment I chose to cry out was because it came convenient for me?  Does He see    that I am almost testing Him or bartering with him because in my heart I want Him to prove that He is real by giving me what I want?  Does God see all of that... and the obvious answer is yes.  

You know, when someone asks me something, to this day I still fight the urge to just pretend like I know the answer just so that my reputation or my credibility in their eyes does not go down.  Sometimes it works, and I can walk away in a sweat just thankful that they didn't ask for verification or further details regarding the matter that I had no clue about.  Sometimes I do that at work too, so long as it is not a life threatening lie, just a little one, I lie to save face.  I also lie when it's convenient for me.  When I have a friend who wants to see me for lunch but I don't want to spend money or go out then I'll make something up on the spot: "oh shoot, I would love to but I have plans" (which I suppose is not really a lie if my plans are to have no plans), but the point is I'll say whatever I need to say so that I can get what I want or avoid what I don't want.  This example in itself illustrates two very stark points.  One is that if I want something I will do whatever it takes, even lie, to get it.  The other point is that I will choose sin, which in this case is lying or my selfish ambition, and can do so totally unaware that it is really sin.  I can make myself look good even while sinning, at least for a time.  In other words, if I don't want to see myself for what I'm doing (especially sinning) it's easy to justify my sins with more lies.  The less I see myself, then the less I see who God is, and that makes it easier to continue sinning.  This is just another helpful reason for how to see God more, to begin by seeing yourself clearly.

I don't know what everyone struggles with, their sins, bad habits, dark secrets, or what not, but what I do know is that we all fall short in varying areas, but in similar degrees.  We are drowning in doubt or worry, sadness or apathy, loneliness or fear, in dark rooms within our hearts that we don't want anyone to see, and that we ourselves try to keep shut and out of.  

I was told by my doctor that every human carries within themselves about 2-3 lbs of poop in their body at all times.  It's just sitting there until you eat more or do something to cause pressure in there to push it out.  This sounds a lot like sin.  We have sin within us all the time, and the more we ignore it and keep adding to it the more the pressure rises and it will start to show it's ugly head.  We can't just ignore it, because it will manifest whether through depression, addictions, and eventually death.  It will not sit quietly behind closed doors because it is not satisfied until it completely destroys a person.  The 1 Peter 5:8 says the devils roams around like a lion seeking to devour.  Have you ever been devoured by a lion?  If you're still alive then no you haven't.  Have you seen or heard about a lion devouring another animal?  If so, did that animal walk away from the incident bruised and scarred?  No, if it was devoured then it was eaten up, killed, dead, a bloody mess with no more life in it.  That means that the devil who uses sin will use it to devour us.  To kill us, rip us apart, and leave a bloody, lifeless mess.  That is sin's desire.  Do you know that?  Do I know that? Do I believe that?  Because that's what the bible says, and if I claim to love God and believe in Him then I have to know these truths to be true as well.  If sin is the poop within us then grace is like the toilet that flushes it away, and it's gone.  

(I just love an effective metaphor.)

Have I lost you here yet? Haha.  The bottom line is that in order for us to see God more clearly we have to see ourselves clearly.  If everyone stripped naked and their bodies somehow became transparent we would all see that everyone has poop inside of them, literally.  There is no exception, and the same goes with sin.  We all have it, just because others can't see it or we try not to look at it, it's there.  So take great heart in the fact that IF it is there (and it is) then God definitely sees it, and He loves you no matter how great your sin, but that isn't the most amazing part.  The most amazing part is really seeing Gods grace in all of your nasty poop sin.  That God loves you so much that gave up his son to become like one of us (poop carrying sinners) but yet who never sinned himself but made himself go through everything in order to help us have a way to overcome sin through Himself.  He ultimately went through life as a human, basically just loving people and teaching them  to have great love, Gods love.  Then he died because God saw our sin from the start, and knew we would sin again, but his love was so all consuming that he have up the only one precious and powerful one enough to atone for all our sins if we believed in Him, He gave us Jesus.

Jesus is amazing. 

Jesus helps us see God's  true life altering grace.  

Jesus changes the game.  

Jesus is God who died for you and me, so that this sin we hate looking at would no longer have relevance but only exist to remind us how much God loves us!  

We have sin in us, but we don't have to give it anything!  

We just need to remind ourselves that we are forgiven, and with that unbelievable good news, we can rest in Him.  

Have grace so that we can have peace.

I don't know about you but I have a hard time resting in God.  

I would love some peace in my ever turbulent mind.

This truth is the only substantial peace I have ever ever ever found to really bring genuine peace in my heart and in my mind.  Peace to laugh and smile.  

Look at Jesus, rest in remembering what He did, and then you can go and be the best you can be because you are a child of God, God of love and all power to keep you. 

It's the gospel over and over.  The same message about the same God who never changes.  

Hallelujah.

To Him I am always His precious girl, and He would die for me, He did die for me.

He would die for you.

He did die for you.