When people judge

Stop judging me!

When I feel judged by someone, regardless of whether or not they are actually making judgments about me, I feel like I am losing a sense of my rightness.  My thoughts become less right, my actions become less right, and my motives become less right, and the farther I am from being right the closer I am to being wrong.  That is the part where being upset comes in after feeling judged. 

When someone thinks something about me, says something about me or I get the impression that they think something about me that's in any way negative-

I get upset.  

(Whether or not I show that I am upset is a whole other matter.  Upset is anything to disturb mentally or emotionally; or physically.)

Why?  Because they're saying or thinking wrong about me and I want to be right.  

I don't like being wrong!  Of course I hardly ever show this to the people who upset me, haha.  I'm as cool as a cucumber on the outside.  My upset self usually shows itself in the form of reciprocating judgment. 

So theoretically, if I connect the dots in one way:  by getting upset I'm essentially telling myself that who they think I am is who I actually think I am.  They are my validation.  

Otherwise, if I trusted and believed they were wrong and knew with reliable confidence that I was right about who I am, then I would be free to love them in their wrong as Christ loved me in my wrong.  This would mean spiritual maturity for me, in the same way an adult might show greater patience to a child they loved because they understand the child's ways to be less developed than their own, and therefore can extend greater grace toward the child, even allowing for the child to snarl and bite at them without losing love for them.  

But as it stands, I don't really believe and trust that I am right first and foremost, and therefore who others view or judge me as becomes serious to me, and I get upset about it.  

I need Jesus to make it so much more clear to me that I am who He says I am, and as that assurance solidifies then naturally my love for others (especially others that judge me) will be met by my love.  

But the trouble seems to be that I have a hard time really confidently believing that Jesus loves me.  That His love and acceptance is really all I need.  That I am fully and wholly and completely right in Jesus alone.  I know in my head that Jesus loves me, but in some deeper more secretive part of my heart (and my bodily reactions) I see another system working. 

Here's what I can examine of me:

When part of me feels like it's coming under suspicion from another person (especially a person close to me), 

I get the overwhelming sensation 

that I might be wrong.  

And being wrong just isn't right.  

Literally being wrong isn't being right.  Haha.

And it makes sense,

as a created being meant for God,

that I want to be right, 

we need to be right, 

because God is right.  

And we were made for God. 

Ultimately that's what I find it comes down to.  

You might think, 

"I don't need to be right, I just think it's annoying when people judge me.  I don't think people should judge me wrongly."

And I might ask,

"Well why is it annoying?  And why do you think it's wrong for people to misjudge you?"

To which some of you might feel tempted to quickly respond:

"Just because.  I don't know.  I just know that's what it is and not all that other complicated stuff."

If you have that sort of response, then nothing I say or nothing the bible says will change your mind.  You've made up your mind with a "just because" or with an "I don't care" resolution.  If you will base your reasoning on "just because" feelings and "I don't care" sighs, then no amount of information will be helpful to you.  You are better off consulting magic tricks and living vicariously through movies and daydreaming.  For you, change might be wanted the way one wants a new dress or a certain food craving, but not necessary.  It is not a matter of life and death for you.  

But for those who see change--being wrong into being right--as a matter of life and death, much as the bible says it is, then change becomes necessary in the same way working to pay next month's rent is.  It's a non-negotiable thing.  Change must happen, because without it we might be forfeiting life with God.  And the more wrong we see in ourselves, the more desperate we are to be made right.  We become desperate for God. 

So I understand more of why this walk is scary.  

I hate to be wrong because I was created to be right (meaning to be with God who cannot be with wrong), but in order to become right (be with God) I must first be wrong (becoming that which is unable to be with God!). Right there!  That.  Is.  Risky.  Why must we first be wrong?  Why must we become what we were not made to be?  

Because when sin entered humanity through Adam, everyone's forefather, we all inherited his sin and took on the sickness of being wrong.  We became separated from God, and our lives lost the ultimate meaning to them: God's fellowship.  

So God had a plan from the very beginning to bring humanity back to Himself in a way that most glorified Himself: Jesus's life, death, and resurrection.   Jesus showed us the way:

1.  Life (being physically born represents us) 

2.  Death (He died for us and gave us the promise of life to come)

3.  Resurrection!  (Proof of His promise to us!) 

This implies that the way to be right

 is to first be wrong;

To die. 

Because you cannot resurrect from the dead without first being dead. 

We must walk to our deaths, stare death in the face, and die, with faith and hope in the promise of new life.  

That's what it is.  That's why I still hate feeling judged by others.  That's why I want more validation in other things like a career, relationships, money, beauty, intellect, and affirmation of those things by people.   Because the one way to being right is the way that sacrifices all of my wrongs.  And everything outside of Jesus is wrong.  

You can't have your cake and eat it too 

...at least not all at once.  

But you have to give up your cake (your life), and trust that God will use it to bring it back to you, in the most delicious way!  

Otherwise we hold on to our cake and hardly eat it because after that it's gone.  Then we are left without our lives.  We lose our lives by trying to save them in this life.  

Matthew 16:25- "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of Me will find it."

So then we must trust in God's will to give us this life.  Trust that when what we want is not what we are getting means that God is teaching us the right way.  

Ugh.  Just saying the words is hard to accept.  How can what I want be so wrong but feel so right?  It's terrible, the human condition of being wrong, then feeling right, and choosing wrong.  But thank You God, that through Jesus, I am being changed! 

"But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!"
-1 Corinthians 15:57

So then this impossibility becomes a possibility.  This dying becomes more and more of a doable thing.  Death becomes less and less daunting.  Hope becomes more and more apparent.  Jesus is more and more believed in, and this is from the Spirit's help to us.  

"We all, 

with unveiled faces, 

are looking 

as in a mirror 

at the glory of the Lord 

and are being transformed 

into the same image 

from glory to glory; 

this is from the Lord 

who is the Spirit"

-2 Corinthians 3:18

I need the Spirit to show me Jesus more and more.  To look at Him, as if looking in a mirror!  To see His face as my own!  To see His beauty as my own!  The life He lived becomes my own life.  When I see Him, looking at Him as a reflection of myself, I will also see His suffering as my own.  His death as my own.  And His resurrection as what is mine to come.  

Then when I am judged by another, in my secret heart where the real genuine belief is, I can understand that it is not a sudden mistake on Jesus's part having defined me incorrectly (which is what most of us really do and believe...because we frantically question our rightness or we somehow try to find a way to justify ourselves) but instead, when I am judged I can look in the face of my Lord, as in a mirror, and know who I really am.  I am His.  Being transformed into His likeness.  

So whatever anyone else says, 

I will be sent to look at Jesus.  

The more I look at myself when I feel judged, the more my sickness of being wrong discourages me and sends me into a panic.  For every one look at my sickness, I must take 5 looks at His glory. 

For me, this is what makes sense.  

I dislike feeling judged, but I recognize this as a deep deficiency in my confidence of being right.  And nothing I do or turn to will change that, only Jesus.

Look at Jesus.

Looking back at you.

Reflecting Himself onto you.

Yes, sometimes it's too amazing to comprehend.  That I look like Jesus?!  (I'm sure many would disagree!  Myself would be the first to say it) but that is the message of the gospel:

Jesus died to give you His life. 

Believe in Jesus. 

Especially when the judgements poke at you, let them be a reminder to look at Jesus.  You're true reflection.  

Jmegrey