-Psalms 83:1
Having a bad day is so bad!
Bad bad bad bad. Bad. Baaaaad.
Bad.
I feel irritated at everything. I don't like it.
What's going on in my heart with You God?
I don't know exactly about what I believe You are doing or feeling when You see me sin/turn my face away from You...but the thought of your anger and rejection is almost unbearable. The thought of Your displeasure at my sins makes me feel dirty and worthless. I feel that is the most natural way for someone to react in this kind of situation. But grace tells me a different response. I don't know how to believe it, but grace tells me You knew it would happen before it happened and You allowed it to happen because You love me. Grace tells me You were there when I was willfully sinning, throwing in the towel, giving up on perseverance, and ruining the freedom from sin that You died to give me. You were there. And You sat there watching me quietly as I ignored You. You saw the depraved part of me go crazy. You stayed next to me? Yes, next to me. You were there. Grace tells me You never left, never said anything, but quietly waited for me to turn back to You. Can that be so? How can it be that a Holy God could be committed to a filthy sinner?
I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I myself am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh, to the law of sin. (Romans 7:25 HCSB)
Through Christ, who gave His life up for me and took my sin away, giving me Himself and His righteousness I am redeemed every day. Every day. Every day. I am redeemed by the blood of the cross every day. Every day. Everyday by grace. But why? Why do I feel and act free from sin on some days and not on others Lord?
What's going on? What's happening on my bad days? The days I wake up feeling like a storm is brewing within me? Feeling pressure closing in on me? Feeling scared and needy? What's going on when I see how far I fall short in this life compared to the lives of others or the perfect standards I place on my mind? What's going on in those times? Why do I not see how great You are during those times? What's going on with me and You there? Open my heart to truth and help me see the truth. What's going on when fear of man and fear of life and fear of death begin gripping me? Where are You in those moments? If I can't find You, feel You, hear You or know Your will during those times I fall apart and drown in a torrent of lies. Lies that wash me up on shore like a limp fray of seaweed. Deflated. Weak. Nothing.
I will ride the wave of "holiness" or closeness to God and then I'll fall into sin (of omission and commission) and everything gets blurred. I get tossed in a sea of confusion. I feel unsteady and unanchored. I know that sin has no more power over me, but in this practical sense it has intense influence over my mind. I start to feel self-condemning, guilty, angry, overwhelmed, ashamed, failing, unkind, unloving, and therefore unlovable/unloved. I know God loves me unconditionally, but I don't feel receptive to that love when sin pulls me down. The water becomes viscous like tar and I am no longer riding the "holy/closeness to God" waves that once made me feel alive and powerful. I feel alone and without God's protection and embrace. There's a sinking sensation of being pulled down by slow black tar. I feel the opposite of holy, I feel vastly separated from God as if He is so far away I can't even see His dot in the distance. I feel like His face is turned away, His back to me even though I know His love is unconditional...but what does that even mean? Can love be unconditional and feel absent at the same time? What does it mean that His love is unconditional? Where is the love God? Despite my irritation at everything and everyone, especially at myself, where is Your love?
I'm mean to myself. When God's felt and known presence is absent I am responsible for it. Therefore I proceed to beat myself up for making such a dumb ass of myself. I say things to myself like: "you are so despicable, why did you do that?" "Why did you say that?!" "Your motives are black!" "You chose this rejection!" "You're hopeless, because you never stick to what's right for very long." "Nobody loves you." "You make God angry and you grieve the Holy Spirit." "You should just give up, shut up, and stop everything you're doing."
I make myself have standards that no one should have, impossible standards like being pretty, smart, funny, God-empowered, and happy...ALL OF THE TIME. I feel the burden of the truth (that I'm so far from those standards) all weighing down on me, crushing my eyes and making me cry. Why do I feel so inclined to hold the world on my shoulders? Why am I so afraid of losing love? Why do I try to avoid failure with so much vigor? Why is my life feel so still and unmoving at times? Why do I have a routine in almost everything? Why does it hurt to think about what I'm really feeling? Why is it that I cry myself to sleep on most nights? What is it that is deep within me, needing something more than what I have and what I am doing. I need help. I need love. I need to know that it's okay to fail and to lose loved ones. I need to know that rejection will not be the end of my life, but that it will hurt and then get better in time as my more authentic relationships heal me. But I'm scared. I'm scared to trust people to love me, to love the part about me that is so insecure. The part of me that's more real, meaning more in need of constant forgiveness, mercy and grace. The real me who messes up, is late to things, forgets to bring things, is stingy about paying for things, is lazy, is condescending, is arrogant, is annoyed, is controlling, is careless about things, is bad at remembering things, is slow to understand, is so sensitive, and needy. All of which I viscously protect and hide from the eyes of others by closing them up deep within my heart. They are there but I know they are unacceptable and so I hide them in my heart and in my thoughts. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of my own emotions! How they can fill me up with so much and limit my freedom of speech and movement. I'm scared of that kind of surrender (but at the same time I want it so much!). To be utterly shunned is terrifying, because I was made for relationship. I was made for intimacy. Yet I hold back the most vital parts of me that make it possible.
There is something deep down inside of me that needs to be held and that needs to be wanted and loved in a genuine way. There's something built into my soul that needs God, but I notice it's sometimes hard to know where to begin looking for Him. What is that? I need God yet I refuse to accept and believe that He really does love me during those times when I don't know where to look.
It's so hard to believe He loves me when I sin.
It's hard to believe He exists when I sin.
It's hard to believe anything good about me when I sin.
I'm so discombobulated in and by sin that I feel I have nowhere to turn but to God in prayer. A most desperate state of mind. A simple kind of approach. Here I am again Lord. Back at square one, and desperate for healing and help. Desperate to be loved by You, known by You, held by You. Redeemed by You. Again.
I'm the meanest person I know. Especially to myself. I bully myself! So all of my imperfections are ample targets for bullying, and I'm so scared that if any of this gets out I will not be able to handle it. Others might bully me too, and I don't know if I could handle more bullies in my life. The memory of past bullies and my current self-bully is already so much for me. I'll fall apart and no one will be there to hold me. Where is God in this fear? What are You doing Lord? Father. Abba. What's going on? Are You speaking? Am I learning? Am I growing? What is this, this hidden part of me that seems to show itself during willful sins?
And most certainly, the mystery of godliness is great:
1. He was manifested in the flesh,
2. vindicated in the Spirit,
3. seen by angels,
4. preached among the nations,
5. believed on in the world,
6. taken up in glory.
-1 Timothy 3:16
I was made by the breath of God into flesh.
I was born again and vindicated by the Spirit.
I am seen by angels (I'm pretty sure haha)
Now I ...
Speak the gospel of Jesus wherever I am
See people all over the world who believe
Wait for Jesus to take me up in glory.
"so that through two unchangeable things,
in which it is impossible for God to lie,
we who have fled for refuge
might have strong encouragement
to seize the hope set before us.
We have this hope
as an anchor for our lives,
safe and secure.
It enters the inner sanctuary
behind the curtain.
Jesus has entered there
on our behalf
as a forerunner,
because He has become a high priest
forever
in the order of Melchizedek."
-Hebrews 6:18-20
Yes, I flee for refuge, the only refuge that makes sense to me: Abba Father.
I am weak but He is strong.
Jesus is in the inner sanctuary, the most holy place, and He is there forever to redeem me forever. He is there on my behalf and yours. Forever.
Jesus deals with my willful sins. Not me.
I just run to Him for refuge and truth.
Love is commitment.
Godliness is a great mystery.
Community needs unity.
Grace is unfathomable.
Truth-telling is terrifying.
God gives grace to the humble.
God is faithful even when I am not.
It is finished and Jesus is my high priest forever.
I was made for intimacy with God and His people
Though sorrow may have me weeping at night, His joy comes surely afresh in the morning!
Jmegrey
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