Yesterday I had a mental meltdown where my insides and outsides were not integrated but rather very disintegrated. What I knew was far from what I felt. And this chasm loomed before me. All from the trigger of one paper I need to write for my favorite theology class. Seriously. You can laugh, but my soul was on the verge of hell. Because it wasn't the trigger (the paper) but it was me...the paper was just a small litmus test for the real me exposed. My thoughts went like this:
Nothing will describe my reality
of pressure in this moment-- I feel an immense fear of impending doom. It is more than allowing for the idea that "I may fail the class", because even when I see that truth I also see that that isn't the fear....it's something deeper.
It is so deeply interconnected and integrated with who I am in everything. It's me...all of me hinging on this on paper, this class, this one decision.
-Shame gripped my eternity, and I could not bear it Lord! Were You there still loving me?-
It was not about failing one class (because I felt utterly unprepared and ill-equipped to write this paper), but it was about my future.
My ability--my will to choose good over bad for forever. I could not hold that weight--I could not be good forever or even for one day! I found myself thinking that one failure was connected to a future of forever failures because if I make one bad decision it means there is something bad in me causing me to make bad decisions. If in me is good then out of me would flow good, like an apple tree that produces only apples, but if in me is bad then out of me would produce bad.
I couldn't grasp being a sinner and saved in this moment.
So the moment I see one bad is the moment I freak out because it means in me is bad! It's still there! The fruit or the outcome is before my very eyes! I am still so bad. Or the thought of failure in life makes me bad. But does failure make a sinner unsaved? It depends...there is a failure that does make us unsaved. There is a failure that does not make us unsaved.
"For know and recognize this:
Every sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God.
Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for God’s wrath is coming on the disobedient because of these things.”
Ephesians 5:5-6
Failing a paper or a class or school does not fall into the kind of failure that is unsaved. I am still learning to discern between failure that is allowed and failure that is actually not allowed! Knowing the difference between one failure and another failure is important because in this life we will fail at things, but one thing we must not fail in is to know Christ and be loved by Him. Failure on our part is fine, failure to give God His part is not fine. We will fail, but we must not think He will fail- even while we do!
It was about me being a really inadequate person with a shameful will, powerless by the years of bad habits and self-sufficiency.
It may have been like a domino effect like this:
Fail class
Fail school
Fail youth ministry
Fail growing
Fail at joy and happiness
Enter suffering and pain
Be forever damaged
Ruined.
God was nowhere to be found in that thought process.
--
So this morning I was brought to Ephesians. The question on my heart was "what is MY PART and what is God's PART?"
“one God and Father of all,
who is above all
and through all
and in all.”
Ephesians 4:6
“From Him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building up itself in love by the proper working of each individual part.”
Ephesians 4:16
-What is my proper work? If I begin to fail at something, should I face the possibility that perhaps I was made to work on another thing? What have You called me to Lord? I don't want to keep doing what I think I need to do (studying, preaching, leadership, etc) but I want to do what You created me in the One body to do. Help me see this proper working and to let go of my projects. Help me to let go of my stupid projects.-
“You took off your former way of life,
the old self that is corrupted by deceitful desires;
you are being renewed in the spirit of your minds;
you put on the new self,
the one created according to God’s likeness in righteousness and purity of the truth.
-I took off--this was my part. And yes, I feel the sudden presence of my old deceitful desires that tell me if I don't have them I will be ruined! I take them off in a time like this, but they get back to me, so how do I keep them off? I am being renewed by You through the spirit of my mind. My thoughts seem weak in the moment though. How do I put on the new self when it slips off like water? I do this--I put ON THE NEW SELF, but how? Is it as simple as picking Your righteousness up and putting it on as a child would when she receives a gift of a dress?-
"And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit.
You were sealed by Him for the day of redemption.”
Ephesians 4:22-24, 30
-I feed the Spirit in me, but how? My part is just to not grieve Him, but God has sealed me by Him. The future is sealed by God, all I do is not grieve Him...so I need to discern between what grieves Him and what does NOT grieve Him. My failures in school or in the youth ministry might not be grieving Him as they feel to be grieving me, yet my disobedience and anxiety may grieve Him even though they do not grieve me.-
“For know and recognize this:
Every sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God.
Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for God’s wrath is coming on the disobedient because of these things.”
Ephesians 5:5-6
-If good rewards are meant to encourage one to obey then bad punishments are meant to keep one from disobeying. Know and recognize the reward from the punishment. What about my part? I cannot do a paper sometimes or breathe or please people who contact me or sit still without getting anxious or take one step out of the house because I don't know. I don't know. But teach me to know and to recognize the difference between the true reward and the real punishment that are connected to obedience and disobedience. I want to be encouraged to obey and discouraged from disobeying. My disobedience is so strong, so Lord break me and mold me at Your will, for my good and for Your glory. And through it all, above all, in all-be ever near to me so that the flames of hell that come close will not scorch me.-
“Everything exposed by the light is made clear, for what makes everything clear is light.
Therefore it is said:
Get up, sleeper,
and rise up from the dead,
and the Messiah will shine on you.”
Ephesians 5:13-14
-Get up! I get up and You shine on me,
my Messiah.
My part is to get up,
Your part is to shine on me
as the light that exposes everything making everything become clear to me. No more confusion when I get up, no more darkness when I get up, and no more sleep when I get up! Then You shine Your light that exposes me and shows me truth from lie within me so that I may clearly see which way I am to go. You lead me by Your light and I simply get up to have it shine on me to make everything clear. I get up.-
“submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.”
Ephesians 5:21
-People. People are a bit strange to connect with from the deep place of my heart. They yank and they pull, they shove and they push, they spit and they crush--yet through all these motions I am called to submit my heart to such beatings? It's no wonder it feels like death, because my heart is my control room and if someone untrustworthy is allowed in there then it could ruin my entire little kingdom of "me." Unless, You're in there. You've taken over the control room so that by letting all inside I am showing others who is a great and perfect King. A great and perfect engineer at the control room. I show others that it is You who knows how to reign better than anyone else, protect better than I ever could, and invite more for the joy of being one with all of God's children. When You are in my control room, my heart/my will, then when I let others in I wait with them to watch You work....I wait for Yahweh and His will to be done.-
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.”
Ephesians 5:31-32
-To be joined to Christ as two becoming one flesh sounds strange but beautiful. Christ and the church will become one flesh? How will that be? Will we still have individual bodies in heaven? What does that mean for me now? Am I being formed to become the bride of Christ as an individual in the church? Are you preparing me for You? So many questions because I've never experienced marriage yet, though I know what it is to long for it. Perhaps I am being formed in the longing of Christ as my husband, but it is hard because I see how adulterous I am like Hosea's prostitute Gomer. Yet Hosea always went back for her because God told him too, and Christ finds me again and again after I've left Him for other things I desire, because God's will is stronger than my sickness.-
“Don’t work only while being watched, in order to please men, but as slaves of Christ, do God’s will from your heart.
Serve with a good attitude,
as to the Lord and not to men,
knowing that whatever good each one does, slave or free,
he will receive this back from the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:6-8
-I forget that the disciples were martyred for Jesus. I forget to think: "would I be okay dying for Christ in this?" And all my attention goes to how I might be ruined because of this rather than how there is nothing more ruinous than to leave the love and grace and gift of life by Christ! Father You see everything. Help me see You seeing me. I want to walk in the truth of what is good being good back to me and what is bad being bad back to me, so keep my eyes on You because You see me. I am a slave for Christ--a shameful one, but a slave nonetheless who has been covered by the blood of Jesus. Help me to do Your will from my heart/my will, and not just from my body or my mind. But from my heart. When my body lacks help my mind to bring it back to You, and when my mind lacks help my body bring it back to You, as I surrender my will (my control room) to You and wait for Yahweh.-
“Finally, be strengthened by the Lord
and by His vast strength.
Put on the full armor of God
so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil.
For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.”
Ephesians 6:10-12
-It is His strength, that is His part! My part is not to be strong but to PUT ON. Once I do my part of putting on His vast strength then I CAN stand against the tactics of that deceptive devil. I PUT ON, and God is my strength. How do I put on? Just like Woooop...? Put it on. Putting clothes on do not mean I will look good, but I can easily put on clothes, however if I want to look good I have to think more deeply about what I have and what will match or fit right. But putting on clothes is not hindered by anything when it's just putting on clothes. So perhaps I put on the armor of God without thinking how it will work or if it will fit or what might happen afterwards...I just put it on and the rest is God's part.-
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