There are days in my ministry when I feel devoid of that love that once overflowed from me to others. I mean it sometimes feels like an "on and off" switch. When it's "off" I feel on edge and extremely stressed out because I am scraping for something to hold on to while internally I'm decomposing--all the while trying to hold it together on the outside. Perhaps it has a lot to do with my image but even when I am convinced that no one actually cares about my image, I'm still left dry heaving something that I so badly want to be turned into rivers of living water. Those are the days when I am flat out broke. I have nothing in me to give, which then makes ministry extremely stressful. I'm like running on fumes and if you've ever been at the "empty" light on your car's gas tank you know the feeling I'm talking about. A feeling of impending disaster.
In other words, when there is no love of God in me I am less able to love others well. So how does this happen. And how can we "refuel" our souls with more love from God?
I found great advice from John, the beloved apostle of Jesus, about this very dilemma.
You see, we all have our idea of what love is or feels like, and that may be true or it may be false. Some think love is doing lots of sacrificial things or spending time or touching/hugging affectionately or giving gifts, or any of the five languages of love. However, languages of love cannot be love itself. It is a means of speaking love, but it is not actually love. That's why it's called a language of love.
With that in mind, you could have all the dialects of love down, but you don't have the actual substance with which it will be lavished upon the person you "speak" love to. Because having a straw doesn't mean there will be something to drink. It is only the means of recieving a drink, but the straw is never the drink itself.
So you know HOW to love, but you cannot love without Love itself.
When God feels distant what do we do when we have a bunch of "straws" or "dialects" for love? Don't lose hope, because John has a word to bring you (and me) back to Life.
“Little children,
we must not love with word or speech,
but with truth and action.
--there are countless ways that God exhorts us to love others (serving, forgiving, being patient, giving money, showing mercy, showing hospitality, confessing sins with, not holding a grudge, carrying each others' burdens, encouraging, being kind, not envying or boasting, not giving up, etc). All of these are practical ways of loving because they involve our time, money, energy and sometimes are paired with our words. But they are PRACTICES of the truth that we want so badly to believe in more regardless of whether we actually do or not. The reality may be that you're "faking it to make it" but only you know if at the root of that is a desire to eventually "make it" to the place where it becomes real rather than faking it to please others or cover and hide your own guilt and shame by piling on a bunch of outer layers of "love." This is something we ask the Holy Spirit for help in discerning.
But nevertheless, that is love in action
but it is not love itself.
When we love by God's practices we are availing ourselves to be His vessels for His love, but the practice is not always the actual thing. It is a form of shaping our desires into that which desires God to love through us. So the more we practice these ways of loving in truth and action, the more shaped we are being for when God pours His real love into us.
God will invest where it counts most. The one who is able to love well will be able to receive much love. (See parable of the talents for how God always gives more to the one who has more.)
This is how we will know we belong to the truth and will convince our conscience in His presence,
even if our conscience condemns us, that
God is greater than our conscience,
and He knows all things.
--when I attempt to love others while harboring a secret sin or remembering the sins of my past my conscience is constantly feeding me condemnation. Here, John says that the way to overcome those condemning thoughts against us is to practice the ways of loving others, even when real love is not felt or comfortable to give. When we do this it says this is how we will convince our conscience, even if it condemns us, that God is greater than whatever negative or self-pitying/self-righteous thoughts might be trying to shame us. God knows all of who we are and He has given His Son to die for our sins so that what we see before us (our sins) no longer has power to condemn us. Therefore, when we are in the practice of loving the people God sends our way or puts in our hearts we grow into the truth of our own real forgiveness from all our sins. We experience the power of His love when our conscience condemns us yet we still love in truth and action.
"Dear friends,
if our conscience doesn’t condemn us,
we have confidence before God”
1 John 3:18-21
So love is connected with our conscience in one way but not in another. It is connected to our ability to refuel on God's love but not in feeling loved. Love is not a feeling, but an outpouring substance from a person. The more we practice loving in times of depletion the more we will be refueled with God's real love because He gives to those who will give to others.
His love is not for building up a selfish person to feel loved but His love is for building up His body, His bride. We were made to love and be loved, but one without the other is incomplete.
It sounds (and experientially it will feel) impossible to love others when you feel devoid of love Himself, but John says that the way to refuel is to move against the thoughts by loving in action and in truth (meaning you are intentionally thoughtful about your actions to love despite what your thoughts are saying to you.)
Then when you have held on to the greatness of God over your thoughts, you will gain confidence in Him...which is the beginning of a new outpouring of His potent love. One who loves with confidence is dangerously effective.
Loving is fun once you've had a taste for the real thing.
Jmegrey
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