Greater grace

"The great danger of an underdeveloped sense of grace is that you rapidly waiver between pharisaical self righteousness and a terrifying realization that you will never be good enough for God."

I can't.

I can't Lord.

I can't. 

I know I'll never be good enough. 

But I did.

You did it for me.

You were there and saw me, and rescued me.

You gave me Your good and made me good too.

“But He gives greater grace. 

Therefore He says: 

God resists the proud, 

but gives grace to the humble.

Draw near to God, 

and He will draw near to you. 

Cleanse your hands, sinners, 

and purify your hearts, double-minded people! 

Be miserable and mourn and weep. 

Your laughter must change to mourning 

and your joy to sorrow. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, 

and He will exalt you.”

James 4:6, 8-10

I tried so hard to be good, I knew all the words to say and the thoughts to think, but my heart was so obviously and violently in opposition to that goodness.  It was unattainable.  I couldn't will myself to be good, even though I wanted to.

And there it was.

Grace came like a cloud over the sun to shield me from the burn.  

I was broken and messy, utterly exposed to my shame--and there You were Lord. 

I hate seeing how petty I am, how bad I am, how I hate that I am a certain way, but there I was in all my monstrosity like a feral creature emerging from a cave into civilization.  

So I did the only thing I could with You in that moment, I cried.  Because what else could I do?  My heart was bleeding out and there was nothing but a miracle that could stop the bleeding.  I wasn't going to save myself.  I wanted You to save me, and You did.  

You always save me.  Even when it hurts. 

I know it's going to hurt with each turn of my heart towards You, and I may never stop having puffy eyes, but give me greater grace to stay in it.  To remember what grace means and how much of it You give to me.  I need You. 

Teach me this greater grace. 

 Thank You Lord.

Jmegrey