THIS IS EXTREMELY UNEDITED so pardon the tangents and parts that don't make sense or leave you going: "wait, what?"
I'm not even going to re-read anything I write, I've got a waterfall of thoughts and they will just fall.
Cheap and Shady or Expensive and Safe?....or...........cheap, safe, but financially risky?
Finding an apartment is strange. It's literally ridiculous. First you just want a safe and semi-nice place to be able to move all your stuff into and eat, sleep, poop and watch netflix in, seems simple enough. You sort of picture this great hardwood studio, with a bathroom that doesn't look like someone missed the toilet, and the location is close to where you hang out (for me that would be near my church in Hilsboro Village and Green Hills because of Trader Joes, obviously) Then you have to consider finding a good roommate or mates. Then you begin the process, and for some reason the stress levels rise, because we will allow that to happen whenever things don't get presented to us on a nice and neat platter. -_- Then when the mates are found you both (or all, however many people band together) stress over finding a place to eat, sleep, poop and watch netflix in as the time snips awfully close to your move out date. After many failed attempts, blocked calls, and unanswered emails inquiring about these so-called "deals" on shady craigslist, you start to get desperate. Now you just want anything, and you want it as soon as possible. Or if you're like me, you begin to think that perhaps Nashville is booting you out, and God is calling you elsewhere. I kept my mind open to the possibility of moving back west. Of course a part of me thinks, well, going back will allow me to not pay rent for a while which would be nice, but eventually I'd move out and would have to pay rent, would have to find a job or apply to grad school, would have to search for mates, and the whole thing would follow me like a snickering cloud spewing rain and hail on my face, making my mascara run, my hair matted to my forehead, and I would just stand there....once again, finding that I need Jesus, that I cannot do anything on my own, because I'm weak, confused, easily distracted, and I write run on sentences.
Going back home wouldn't be bad, it would just be comfortable, slightly boring, and way too familiar. Those are all pretty much the same thing. I hate and love how I hustle to pay for rent, gas, food, and copious amounts of vegan food and coffee. (I'm not vegan, I just like to order vegan dishes because they taste good....try the curry dish at the Stone Fox...amaaaazing.) Also, a huge factor in whether I move back west or stay in Nashville is my walk with the Lord. Well, let me rephrase that to how it should be said: the ONLY factor is my walk with the Lord. I have prayed to the best of my meek and feeble ability, to ask God what He wants me to do, we've had these blunt exchanges like:
me: "Okay Lord, what do you want me to do? Should I stay in Nashville or do you want me to go back?"
me audibly saying what I think God is saying (so it doesn't appear like I'm having strange unanswered conversations with the silent air in my room): "It doesn't matter whether you stay or go, so long as you follow me."
me: "Right. Well, let me rephrase my question then. Will I follow you better going back or staying here?"
audible me/maybe God: "You will follow Me best if you follow Me now."
me: "-_-"
me: "..."
me: "but I'm so imperfect!!"
me: "(sigh)"
Where are those tears when you want them?! I hardly cry when I need the release, but if I'm trying to say something important or I'm wearing too much mascara then those ducts become a water slide and I can't get a word out. I'm just a clown.
Nashville is a great place to live. There are so many cute coffee shops (with brunch! Although I don't know why I put that bc I'm really not that excited about brunch, but I know a lot of folks are so it seemed appropriate to mention....but I had brunch at a place in East Nashville called : 308, and it was noteworthy), museums, parks, hiking and biking trails, cafes and restaurants, bars, churches, and other neat little gems like Jeni's ice cream or the Cheekwood Botanical gardens that hold various arrangements throughout the year including a light exhibit (the garden is lit up with lights in the shape of flowers and other artistic designs, it's pretty phenomenal...from what I hear, I haven't been yet.)
Geez, am I breathing? I promise I don't usually talk this much, I usually muse on the inside, constantly, incessantly...but I'm pretty tame from an external perspective.
About the safe, cheap but financially risky business, (slides across the floor with ray bans, white dress shirt and underwear...... ugh -_-) it's really not that risky. I'm just doing everything I can to stress myself out, because that seems to be a habit of mine. I would be the one signing a year lease, while the other girls would likely only stay 6 months. So, in a worst case scenario I could end up paying 600-1200/month for the remaining 6 months, . It's not death, but it's risky biiiiiiiznaaaaas. haha. Yea. I need to stop being ridiculous. I have Jesus. He's loaded.
------Thoughts on Dating (if you're reading this and we went on a date or two, this is not about you. This is about me. Wait, what?)
Christian guys are difficult to find, it's like meeting a foreigner who speaks English without an accent (in the eyes of a very close-minded American)...they exist, but either they spent a lot of time studying in the states, or it just comes naturally to them, but they are not common. There are a ton of "christian" guys here in Nashville, but saying you're christian and actually being one become very clear after a month or so, and I'm not the best example of a good christian, but I strive toward that...until I die. And that's what I mean by a Christian guy. Someone who is clearly broken, as all mankind is, but who strives toward allowing Jesus to heal him in every way. That and someone who will want to talk about Jesus a lot....I love talking about Jesus, and I don't get to as often as I would like/need (because I'm scared or the atmosphere or people won't want to). I'm not weird about it, although saying I'm not weird about it automatically makes me sound weird about it...so I'm gonna stop.
I have noticed that in my past dating life, I'm more shallow and less focused, which always leads to a break up. I'm always drawn by the handsome tall guy who makes witty remarks and can hold deep philosophical conversations. I put their love for Christ in the closet to be "safe", when really that is the most important and determining factor for whether or not I will commit, and if they will commit to me, because my life is a constant race toward Jesus and bringing him all the glory of my life's efforts. I'm non-committal. I'm afraid of nothing, really. Yet my non-committal personality is strong, and I despise that. I know I will never meet the perfect person, and I am slowly coming to terms with my brokenness, and the brokenness of mankind. I struggle with vanity, pride, greed, and selfishness (among other things). So I know I will get annoyed with whoever I end up marrying, but as one pastor put it: It boils down to the fact that you will fight with whoever you marry, so are you willing to fight with this person for the rest of your life?
On my shallowness...
I should get a tattoo that says:
"well, he's going to get fat and wrinkly (and so are you), but does he walk with Jesus?"
I told the Lord, when I first came to Nashville, that I would wait for a man after God's heart even if that meant waiting til I was 45 (cringe), and it's not always easy, and things appear bleak, but if I follow the thread of my logic then it makes perfect sense. If I married someone who wasn't in love with Jesus that would be hell on earth for me. So my options are : rushing into hell on earth in my 20s or prayer and patience possibly into my 40s? Of course ideally I'd still have the ability to bear children when I marry, come on, but we are talking extremes here. My thoughts get hot or cold. I leave the lukewarm stuff out with Obvious Oliver.
hmm, I wonder if I should be writing down and exposing this portion of my thoughts here. I mean, I'd like to speak to all the ladies (or guys) out there who feel the same way and hopefully offer encouragement and hope, but I don't want any guys thinking this is my ad for a Christian man.
Time for work.
JmeGrey
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