I cried.

       My grandfather is on his deathbed as I type this.  My mom is with him (as he is her dad) in Canada, and it was strange, but it didn't really truly hit me, the sadness, until a few minutes passed by and I was slowly processing the reality that I will not be able to hug him, talk to him, or see him again while I live on this earth.  That made me sad.  I like hugging people.  I love my family, so naturally I'm hugging them left and right, out of nowhere, sneak attack hugs, big strong bear hugs, quick parting side hugs, and my favorite: the thankful back hug.  I wish I could have given my grandpa one more sweet hug, a soft one since he's probably very fragile, and because it would be sweeter and more memorable.  I won't be able to hug him, but I got to tell him that I loved him over the phone, and I take great relief in knowing that I will see him again in perfect joy.

        It puts life, my life, back into a more defined perspective.  We always hear the phrase: "life is short", but when someone close to you passes away, it's weird to think that they will be gone, but it's even more weird to also realize that one day you will be gone too.  We all come to an end eventually, and this is life, and that is what makes it so short.  However, death is only the way to eternal life.  We, as loved sons and daughters of our Father, shed this body and are lifted into His eternal kingdom.  That sounds like a sci-fi story, but it's true.  I mean, I'm not too sure about all the exact details, but the important thing is that death is nothing to fear because it's not the end.  Death should actually be a joyful experience for God's children; it is our goodbye on earth and our hello to the One who loves us most.  That's not to say we should desire an early death, since we are all called to run a race with all our hearts in order to bring God glory and somehow show our love and thankfulness for making a way for us to be with Him after death.  Death will happen to me, to you, to them, but it is not the end.

       I cried, no actually I sobbed, but it was weird.  Weird because I didn't feel heart-sad, but it was more of an obligatory cry mixed with sincere sadness, but not the kind of weeping sadness that I feel when I tell the Lord how sorry I am.  That kind of sadness makes me break down into rivers of tears, but this was brief sobs of goodbye...for now, for a while, wish-I-could-have-given-you-one-last-hug kind of cry.  Then I cried some more for my mom who I know must be more sad than me.  I wish I could be with my mom to hold her hand as she says goodbye to her dad, and to hug her tightly when it's over, and hug her to let love surround and comfort her, but I can't...so that's why I sobbed a little more.  I promise I'm not a big sob blob, but I thought I'd share it honestly on here because it seems to help me feel better about it all.  Not that I feel bad about it, but it happened, the sobbing, and in case there's someone reading this that sobbed too, I'm right there with ya.  ;)

JmeGrey