I wonder if Paul liked being in prison, like if it made him feel more like a warrior or a champion? I wonder if he liked all the opposition he got from the religious leaders, knowing that Jesus got the same kind of opposition. How sometimes to be esoteric feels great, I wonder if he actually got a sense of enjoyment from things that most would look at as "suffering" or "difficult". Markers for dislike, for me personally, are usually isolation from others, crying, and at the worst turns into a strong desire to sin (be lazy, be apathetic, and rebellious). Did Paul ever cry in his cell? Did he ever just up and leave to be by himself? Did he ever feel the weight of his areas of weakness, did he fall into sin and feel ashamed? Was sin still so tempting for him? Everything in me says YES! Because he was human. But ...how did he do it? I want to know, because I am not there.
Or was he a lot like Jesus, always knowing that although temptation was alluring, God held the real glory?
I mean, what I'm really wondering is: did Paul always have it all together? Cuz he went through the worst of the worst...
2 Corinthians 11:24-29
"Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned.
Three times I was shipwrecked;
a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers;
in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night,
in hunger and thirst,
often without food,
in cold and exposure."
"And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches.
Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is made to fall, and I am not indignant?"
" If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."
Ok Paul.
So did he have moments where he forgot to trust in God, or was that just never a problem for him? I mean, moments where he just downright pouted amidst a bad circumstance, or maybe pouted is too feminine, maybe he was sulking, glaring at nothing, griping over every little thing...? Hanging his head low.
Because man am I feeling beat up by my sin right now. I feel like I have one tooth left dangling, a bloody and bruised upper lip, a cut up eyebrow, mushed up muscles, and the strongest desire to just fall to ground in defeat. I am complaining inside, I am getting so affected by how people will view me if I do this or do that, I am letting thoughts of irritation proceed and expand, I am judging myself harshly, I am thinking others will also judge me harshly so I'm getting irritated at them for something they haven't even done yet. I am responding to my King with cowardice, with anxiety, with pride, with a desire to sit on the throne of my heart.
I have a massive headache.
I'm hot and sweaty.
I feel seasick.
I came back to my hotel room to lie down, missing my morning lecture, and feeling ashamed for doing so, and angry at the people who will start judging me for doing so. Thoughts of outreach, once again, bear down on me like two walls closing in on me like a human sandwich. I'm thinking this is it, I'm gonna get smushed. I can't do this.
And in this moment I feel God...should be angry at me, disappointed at my lack of trust. I know God hates sin, so much so He died to take it away, because sin is what separates us from Him. So God really hates sin, and really loves me. I have sinned in so many ways just now, wallowing and griping over my circumstances. God should be angry, because my sin is detestable. Yet I sense His overwhelming love for me as well, strangely.
Hosea 11:8,9
"How can I give you up, (jamie)?
How can I hand you over, (jamie)?
How can I treat you (like dust)?
How can I make you like (a forgotten person)?
My heart is changed with me;
All my compassion is aroused.
I will not carry out my fierce anger,
Nor will I turn and devastate (jamie).
For I am God, and not man--
The Holy One among you.
I will not come in wrath."
Instead I rest in Him.
I am gathered in a mighty embrace of all of Gods compassion.
He is with me,
He is for me,
And He loves me.
As I figure out more of how I can stop the lies that cause so much fear in me, as I return my gaze to Jesus, I take a deep breath. Still a little begrudging at Paul, but moreso thankful and humbled by Gods grace for my situation. I don't want what Paul went through, I just want his stamina. :).
Heading back to class now. With about an hour left, praying first that I will not harbor any preconceived allegations from others.
Jesus help me now to walk in love and humility.
J
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