The enemy, on the other hand, is like a chatty Chelsea. The enemy or yourself will start to think about too many things that veer away from the simple truth.
For me that was fear of going on outreach for two months. Fear of the heat, fear of going into villages and possibly having to hug or wash dirty people with lice, fear of giant red ants and all sorts of spiders and bugs biting me, fear of unclean water, fear of slipping and falling in poop, fear of food that I don't want to eat, fear after fear after fear that built up anxiety in me. Fear that even led me to think that perhaps this was not what God wanted. God doesn't want me to be anxious! God doesn't want me to be angry! So surely this means I shouldn't go. And I got so confused. So confused.
Confusion usually leads to defeat or apathy. Those ends are not what God desires. God gave us our lives to live! Not to be or feel defeated, He put life in us, to produce joy, peace, love, and unity with our churches. We are called to just give Him everything, and not let anything....anything get in the way of what He asks of us. He wants your money? Give it all. He wants you to let go of your boyfriend, do it. He wants you to fast? Just obey. He wants you to donate your favorite shoes, bag or dress? Give it away after you pray and ask God who to give it to. He wants you to quit your job and go be a missionary in morocco? Pack your bags!
It is not that God needs or wants any of these things from us. What He asks of us is only for our good.
Things are what get in our way as we walk toward God. So God sees a blockade and He knows if you remove that then you can come closer to Him. It is difficult because things are what make us feel worthy. Our identity is usually based on our things, our physical appearance can define us, maybe God wants that from you. Our jobs can define us, our money, a pair of shoes can feel so "ours". You know when something is what defines you when you actually grab that thing and stand before God in readiness to give it all to Him, and you are quaking with tremors and just fear all over.
I'm not talking about thinking about it, thoughts are weak and oftentimes justifying as our good intentions. No. I'm talking about when you, if you ever have the grace from God to get to that point of getting ready to give up what defines you to Him, find yourself standing there with that thing, and you fully understand that it is a choice. That the choice will mean you will suffer not just physically or emotionally, but the suffering is mostly mental. Your mind will war against you, you will start to feel angry or maybe impatient, but what you feel is not a product that appears due to the loss of your sacrifice.
This was revelational for me.
What surfaces after such an act of obedience is something that was always in there.
What you find come out or begin to come out as you give God the most precious thing to you is actually something that was always hiding behind that blockade in your heart.
Things like anger, rage, cursing, scowling, worry, panic, anxiety, stress, lust, impure thought, jealousy, envy, greed....
God knew it, and He wanted you, all of you, so when you prayed He asked for that from you. If you're like me you may have thought, "why do you want my precious thing? I love this! I don't love it more than I love You....I don't think. But why? And if I give this to You can I trust that You will give me something better or will I just be short of that all my life?"
I looked at it as a sacrifice on my part, rather than Gods mercy and love wanting me to be closer to Him. In Him is fullness.
We hardly ever know why God asks us of such things, we just think He wants to take from us what we love most because He is a jealous God or because, if you don't know Gods nature and character that well, you think He just wants to see us suffer; that it's one of His mysterious characteristics that we are just supposed to accept.
But the God I serve is not like that at all. God speaks to me and reveals His plans to me when I ask Him and do my part in seeking counsel from others who I know also walk closely with God. For are we not one part of one body? So when I think I have to struggle with something confusing on my own, I am like an injured eye trying to detach myself from the socket in order to get better. I want to be perfect so that I can come back to the body and everyone will be happy. But can an eye get better or even survive without being attached to the socket and the body? Haha, the reasoning is all messed up! We are not meant to live individually. We have personal relationships with Christ, but we live and thrive and get healing when we are unified and attached to the body, where Christ is the Head. So talk to people. Not because they are perfect but because they are the body that you are attached to. You need them in order to get healing and strength. Christ is the Head, and He is perfect. The body can be broken and messed up, but so long as it remains unified under Christ, it will be in the only place where it has any opportunity at all to become better. Apart from the body you will not last long.
But just to clarify an important point regarding the sin or sins that hide behind those things that we find so difficult to give up, be aware that they were always there.
For example, I found that when I had to give up my comforts (coming to Cambodia) I found myself complaining or feeling irritated at people, and I blamed the heat or the dirtiness and mosquito bites. That made sense to me, I am complaining because these things are difficult. But if I truly knew God was with me and that He was all I needed as I walked with Him then nothing should have bothered me. But when I removed the blockade of comfort, I saw that God was not all I wanted. I saw comfort sitting there on the throne of my heart, and when I threw it down, there behind it lay the ugly sins of anger and greed. Like mold, it was festering behind comfort. But God is merciful and so good, He brought to light those things that were keeping me from Him, things that I know I don't want! I don't want anger in my life! I don't want to be greedy! But when I didn't see those things, I just saw comfort, and comfort didn't look like sin, it didn't look evil, it looked good, actually.
But it is not that comfort is evil, God blesses us with comfort lots of times. The comfort of a nice bed, the comfort of a loving friend, the comfort of good food or clean water or maybe a first class seat on your flight :).
It is when comfort sits on the throne of my heart, the throne that belongs only to God, then it means it is hiding something. And that's when sin is not so noticeable. But that's why we need to ask God : "what is it that is holding me back from You?" And we may not understand fully why He asks us to give Him something that appears to be good and not sinful, like comfort, but when we trust in His perfect will, in His goodness, His fierce desire and love for us to be close to Him, when we trust in Him like that, it's usually not very long before we see the sin that was festering behind what appeared to us as ok.
Don't be scared of the sin that surfaces.
Be thankful that it was brought into the light in order that It could be dealt with so that you could remove it and go forward.
That is what healing is.
Obeying God.
Letting light shine in the dark places of your heart.
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One of my favorite verses in the bible is Colossians 3:3 that says:
"For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
I think about that and I recall that Jesus died too. He died on a cross to reconcile man to God again because sin separated us from Him. He died and took all that sin down with him into the grave, then rose from the dead.
He made a way for us to be united with God if we repented and believed in Him. Instead of having to sacrifice an animal every time we sinned, all we have to do now is repent and believe that Jesus has cleansed us from all sin.
He died and then rose from death back to life.
So I died. My sin died. My life is now hidden with Christ in God. I wait for His return, which is my hope, my choice. I choose God.
Colossians 3:4
"When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory."
I died, but death will not hold me down as it could not hold Jesus down.
I wait for Christ, to appear with Him in glory. That is why I live for Him, in Him, and by faith do all things through Him who is the One that will raise me up with Himself. So for a little while it may appear that I am losing, but what is it to me these things that I know will eventually lose their luster? Comforts. Clothes. Money. Beauty. Even the world knows that these things will eventually die out.
But in Christ there is eternal glory.
I would rather wait a little while for that then live a life without hope for more than just now til death.
So yea, I died. :)
My life is not mine, but I walk with Gods word saturating my mind. I keep my eyes on Him. I set my mind and my heart on Him. I put to death whatever belongs to my earthly nature. I die to gain Christ. To live a life worthy of The Lord.
Here's a silly doodle I wrote on my arm as a reminder of my choice. (Because I still forget everyday).
Stay close to God by wrestling in praying, reading His Word, and obeying whatever He asks of you because He knows what is keeping you from Him.
And I will rise, as Christ was raised to life.
J.
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