Outreach in preh vihear province:
Duration: 7 days
Some thoughts:
First bucket shower...awkward.
A bucket shower is literally filling up a bucket (that is actually a large plastic bin often also used as a trash bin) and using a smaller bucket to scoop out the water and pour over yourself. Is the water clean? Probably not. But it's better than keeping the mixture of dirt and sweat on yourself and getting some sort of rash.
No toilet paper, no hose, such a mystery, kind of don't want to know. I mean how do you...? Yea, I probably want to remain ignorant in this area due to my sensitivity toward bad hygiene. It's not that they are dirty to a degree that's unlivable, but it's that I'm not used to the way they do things here.
Yea, brown water bucket showers and no toilet paper........then there's the food: lots of oily rice with salty msg soy sauce or sugary chili paste with meat that's not been refrigerated.
But my faith grows. I can not help but press into God when everything both physical and mental begins to sink it's teeth into my life. There is hardly a place of relief here, but instead relief comes in moments, or more like minutes or seconds. I'll have a minute where I feel a cool breeze or a few seconds when I don't see Mosquitos, or I'll get to enjoy a banana for a minute. All of these are moments that I truly thank God for.
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And my little melt down before God:
Through all the mundane and all that's uncomfortable (bugs, sharing a squatty potty with no hose or toilet paper?!, hot weather, questionable food) I ask You God, what is the purpose for all of this? What are You trying to teach me? Team unity? Fellowship?
Day one (Monday, preh vihear)
Man I am so self centered. I made sure that I had the best seats in the van (because I was concerned about getting motion sickness), the best mangos, a full egg and a quarter (when some people only had half), and I keep my snacks to myself (my almonds, my turkey jerky, my gum. I share here and there, but not as much as I keep for myself. I also take showers first, and wash my hands in the bucket when I shouldn't (mostly clean hands, but still). I am so selfish. I keep hearing "outdo one another in honor", but the application is difficult for a selfish soul like mine. I have yet to let go of my self preservation control issues. Oh that God would heal me of my greed, and that my faith would grow higher and stronger in moments when I am afraid that if I don't get me mine first then I will regret it or be miserable.
Wednesday (preh vihear)
Yesterday was a good taste of real team unity.
Today was good in that God spoke to me through peace.
I had a good talk with two of my teammates.
Sarah told me about how she could see herself living in preh vihear! (Unbelievable! Especially because we both suffer the same things together, but what she said really shows that it's from God and not herself)
So piep asked me to speak truth into her life, to keep her boldly and honestly accountable.
I got bit 13 times on my back alone. Then 9 on my left arm, 2 on my left hand, 5 on my right arm, 5 on my left leg, 7 on my right leg and 1 on my right foot. Do the math. Gah. Heat that causes excessive sweating and mosquito bites that cause excessive itching. If those two things were subtracted I would say this is one of my favorite places (Cambodia). Well, also there is the worms in food issue, sanitation issue and dirt clogging everything issue, and poor plumbing issue, but this is the daily grind for most of Southeast Asia. Live and learn, and love. So yea, maybe not my favorite place, in fact I mostly dislike it here (if I'm honest my body hates it here), but I am oddly joyful albeit, so therefore it is one of my favorite places. (I'm talking about Battambang and not so much preh vihear, preh vihear was just all around difficult)
Thursday night (preh vihear)
Showered with 2000 Mosquitos or so it definitely looked like. My body is fatigued and I have a big bug bite on my cheek that has swelled. It's hot. I'm sweaty and I have to shower twice and change clothes multiple times during the day. I find it difficult to just be dirty, yet showering multiple times is also difficult because we have to conserve water for everyone else, and the water itself is not too clean, and I get attacked by legions of bugs whilst trying to get "clean". Then the more I change clothes the more hand washing laundry I will have to do which is tiresome to the fifth exponent.
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Lord,
Thank You for blessing me albeit my circumstances and attitude. Thank You for every good thing, but please clarify what You want from me. Am I believing in a genie god? Is my heart still bargaining for marriage and children or am I willing to obey You whatever You ask of me? This is so difficult. The Mosquitos, the sweating, the heat, the dirtiness, the food, the bathrooms, the beds, the people. Lord, where are You now? I don't feel You near me right now, and I'm so scared. I'm scared because I feel like I may be doing all of this for something unreal. I don't want to be doing this without You always with me, teaching me, and loving me. I loathe it here. I don't like it at all. It's not even just the discomfort, but the lack of production, the lack of motivation in me to serve. I am so dry and lost here. I feel like most of what I do is still selfish. I just don't want to come back here. Maybe You want me to stay in Burma? I do love my English class students (won nah, liep, geeah, som-nang, ree, maraka, rothana) but it's so boring. I feel like it's meaningless. I am learning how to always make use of my time, and to taste the life outside my blessed life, but Father what do You want me to do? Please speak to me loud and clear and I pray the itching ceases and that no more Mosquitos bite me, please. Protect me Lord.
I like the fruit.
I like the people.
I like encouraging others through prayer.
I like that I push into You as my source of strength and comfort
I like that I can see for myself how people live and what they suffer, and how they worship you in their settings.
So please. Please hear my plea and answer me about why I am here and if I am to come back?
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Then I heard God saying:
Pray for those who suffer these very same things all the while also struggling with insecurities, broken families, abuse, depression, loneliness and fear.
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I remember thinking, not verbally saying "I can't get too close to the village children (not even touch them) because I might get lice or some other disease." What a terrible thought! Why and how can I be so in love with God yet think such things?
After I bathed two kids, I threw their dirty village-worn clothes in the laundry pile, but their dad put them back on, I felt terrible for assuming they had other clean clothes to change into.
I also made a comment about how something was "only 25 cents", but to a khemi person I maybe sounded offensive. I need to be more careful. But I noticed that in my hesitance I heard a thought that also said I shouldn't have said that so that he doesn't know that I have enough money lest he use me for that! What a terrible thought, again! I am so greedy, and the only cure for greed is to give more.
Friday
So hot I am overwhelmed and faint. Weak. So faint. Overwhelmed by the heat and the excessive sweating. My stomach is hurting from bad indigestion and I'm so bloated, and feel sick in my stomach. I need more of You Jesus.
Tonight went from the worst to kind of really great. I got to pray during Friday night bible study, then enjoyed some boiled eggs at the night market with the other missionaries. I spoke to the khemi people a bit, as hard as it was since I kept thinking about the fruit I had just ate that had ants on it, but hunger threw caution to the wind. Why. Anyway, they say that when we come back in April for a month it will be the intense hot season (in the hundreds). And...scary as that sounds, especially when the "cool weather" now is already giving me heat illness and dehydration and constant sticky neck, back and hair ....I will carry His name, for Jesus, I always have to remind myself that he stepped down from perfect heaven to come and meet with wretched and cruel and imperfect man. What He did was for the sake of eternity, because He loved us, He wanted to be with us forever. So I am reminded that whatever discomfort I may feel (and might I repeat: I FEEL IT AND IT IS PAINFUL TO THE POINT OF DESPERATE CRIES FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT) this is not about me, my life is not mine anymore. I have to see the eternity in my obedience. Why is the question. I always ask why. Why am I here in preh vihear when I hate it so much? Why do I have to be with these people who are all so much younger and different than me? Why do I have to hand-wash my clothes in scorching heat? Why do I get bit by the Mosquitos the most? Why did You create Mosquitos?! God?! Why?! Why is it so smoldering hot here?! How do people live like this? It's so terrible...and I begin to cry. Why did You bring me here God? Why couldn't I serve You or learn the things You taught me here back in California? Or Nashville? Why here? After I am done venting to my Maker and Father I calm down a bit. He gently lifts my chin and says "I am." And it all gets cleared that why is a good question, but where is the one that makes all the pain and suffering worth it. Where are You God? And He speaks. To me. He speaks to me, and I don't know why but for some reason I hear Him much more clearly in Cambodia than in California or Nashville. He was barely a murmur in California, then a soft whisper in Nashville, and now I hear Him speak as one who is face to face with me. That is the answer to all my "whys". Where He is is where I have to be to live.
So I'm itchy, sunburnt and getting a disgusting tan (all who know me know I embrace my ghostly paleness), eating food that will eventually give me worms if I'm not careful, sharing a toilet with no flush or toilet paper with 10 other people, sleeping on a wooden slat on dirty unwashed bed sheets, sweating excessively through 3 shirts a day and scarring from all the scratching, and having to hand wash my laundry in what appears to be questionable water....and those are just a few of the external difficulties. I am just venting to you now, maybe I'm looking for pity or admiration, but regardless I know I'm still so selfish all about my self preservation, lacking in love, compassion, generosity, and just a heart for those who don't know that Jesus loves them. I have so much pride, shame, guilt, and apathy always lingering in every corner, waiting to tie me up and if I'm not close to Jesus I let the lies of the enemy slowly but meticulously entangle me in all my past. How I used to be is no longer who I am in Jesus. Thank God that I belong to the One who is over all, and whose mere name holds power over any enemy.
And now, today is Sunday. Thank God I'm back in Battambang, which once felt so difficult but now is luxury compared to preh vihear! Haha. God sees me, loves me and I'm learning to see more and more of Him through every hardship and every blessing.
J
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