"Be in Christ and live as those who keep in mind the grace of salvation by Christ."
-my theme statement from reading the book of Titus 3 times. (Something we have to do in seminary from time to tedious time)
I realized today, throughout the day of an uncomfortable sense of dispassion (feeling no forward stimulation towards a noble goal) that there is within me still a deeply rooted desire to find meaning OUTSIDE of Christ. I mean I hate to say that, but I want to be honest with myself if I'm going to uproot it, and I want to uproot it. I want to be fully in Christ, resting in Him and to be free from all the striving of wanting to be something other than just a resting daughter with my Heavenly Father.
I just wanna chill with God. But we aren't that close yet...I'm like distanced from Him, I act like we are good when we're not, and that makes for awkward times together. Deep down I want to be close and I want to be honest with Him, but I'm still afraid to admit that I'm afraid He will not love me the way I am. I'm afraid my problems will be too big for Him, I'm afraid my issues will be too ridiculous and dumb for Him, and I'm afraid that I'll disappoint Him sooner or later and all hell will break loose. He will get angry at me or worse...stop loving me. Also I'm really frustrated with how chill He is sometimes...like how He's all invisible yet "right here" and I'm like "huh?! Where?!" Like a crazy person, I can be. I wonder if this is how I feel (in a general sense) about people to some degree....but let's not open too many drawers just yet haha.
If I am indeed "in Christ" then I should be resting, rather than restless, but today my mind was restless and so I'm setting out to discover why.....via blogging as usual haha. Let's see where this ends up.
I completed a 3 hour midterm exam yesterday. Prior to that I had so much work to get done in order to have time to study, and I was pressured to get things done. If I wanted to do well on the exam as well as in all my other classes I had to use my time the way a kid would scrape up a bowl of leftover cookie batter....scrupulously. Every day counted and the week weighed on me with the exam looming over all my other assignments. Perfect. I wanted to be the perfect student. The perfect daughter. The perfect christian.
Was I in Christ? Is that what it looks like to rest in Christ? I was so stressed. What do I want so badly that I will step outside of the freedom of what my amazing Savior did for me? I want to be lovable, stable, good. People like smart people and people like nice people, people like people who have it together and who are really smooth and polished. I think that's what I want....to be loved by the world, to be loved by my friends, to be loved romantically and to be loved by my church and my family. Yet what I know is that God loves me....but it's somehow not enough for me. I know He loves me because that's what the Christian is told and that's written all over the bible both explicitly and implicitly. I know it, but have I really opened my heart to God's love? Have I allowed Him to fill the deep infinite hole in my heart? Or have I kept trying to fill it with finite things? And okay, what des it mean to "open my heart" to God? We hear christian phrases like "open your heart" or "surrender all to Him" or "invite God into your heart", but what does that mean really? What happens or doesn't happen when it's done or when it's not really done? These should be important if we are to make appropriate changes in our steps....right? Well, here's a helpful directive straight from Paul, the apostle of Christ Jesus Himself:
"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. (Titus 2:11-14 NIV)
..."say No to ungodliness"
(make intentional choices when it comes to saying "no" to what you know you shouldn't do)
..."live self-controlled"
(huh? But I'm outta control haha I need Jesus to help me a lot on this one)
..."in this present age"
(this means now, today)
..."while we wait".
(This isn't as appeasing as instant gratification, but it is still good to be aware that waiting is required, so when we wait...we wait with a reason good enough to wait for.)
..."eager to do what is good."
(what are you eager about? Are you eager to help others or are you eager about helping yourself? Sigh. Lord, please change my heart to be eager for what pleases You rather than to be loved by others or to preserve myself)
Jesus gave Himself.
To purify. Make clean.
The more I see myself the more awfully contaminated I look, so if Christ purifies and cleanses me I should run toward Him because of how grimy I am. I should run to His cleansing blood, and be cleansed.
I give myself up,
throw up my hands up like a vulnerable surrender
how incapable I am,
and how smelly and gross I am!
....and just hope that He really does love me unconditionally.
Ugh this is a process.
I get a little closer each day...some days more than others. This relationship thing is so awkward for me, but I want it so badly, and so I say a few more words, I start opening up more about my fears, my dreams, my curiosities...scary.
But more than that I need to see the reason for my waiting in the moments of pain. When God is hard to "see" and meet with....I have only the hope that He is still there, in His perfect wisdom making things unfold in His time and according to His perfect will. If I trust that, if I believe that, then that means I can wait and do what He says without questioning His methods. Instead of asking "where are You?!" Or "why do I feel this way?!" I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. Stay myself to Him as God, the all-knowing.
Waiting is difficult, it often feels grueling and impossible, but I've waited before and God always has a way of showing up and surprising me.
But when I don't have a reason, then waiting becomes weak, I need both the reason with my waiting always before me.
So if you're waiting today for God to show up today (maybe to answer a prayer or just give you a sense of His comforting presence), what's your reason for waiting for Him? The reason, I believe, has everything to do with the longevity of your waiting.
Hold fast to His amazing love.
I'm just trying to be pretty while I wait, but I end up looking more like this:
And that's okay. Because I'm this regardless. Hahaha.
Jmegrey
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