We have these ideas of what is good and bad for us, and then as a Christian those ideas turn into fears that produce guilt and shame or worry because we are left having VERY LITTLE to do with attaining the very things we want, again, from a Christian perspective that tells us to DENY ourselves and just surrender everything to God. Most at this point either take this to mean a sort of mental ignorance, like.."hey this is bad, but it's okay it'll be good because God is good" meanwhile we have our own agendas to making the bad become good, and we say "God is good" as lip service or as a person to blame when our methods fail. tsk tsk, I do it too.
Then when what we know is good for us becomes evident as that which is the very thing we don't do (ie: trusting in God through patience and faith as well as remaining diligent in the place we are at despite our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual agonies).
The things that we know we need to change are things we hold on to so tightly, and mind you they are usually obvious when you think about it intentionally, but can also easily be ignored when you don't take time to think about it because it's scary to think about--especially when those things (the things we need to stop doing) are, in our minds, tied to or associated with attaining the good things we want for ourselves, hoping God will just let this one thing remain with us as a kind of insurance....albeit it destroying us. I mean think about it.
When I think about this, and I think about letting go of certain sins of mine, both mental and physical, of really staying myself to God--meaning clinging to Him through prayer and patience and lots and lots of tears and moments of frustration and confusion--then the question always arises:
Am I going to be okay??
or more hysterically at times...when I tremble out of my spirit's desire to let go of things and give them to God it comes out more like
AM I GONNA BE OKAY?!!!!!!??!!!!??!!!??!
am I gonna be okay.
Am I gonna be okay, Lord?
I mean, think about it. Am I gonna be okay IF I GIVE THIS UP.
Am I gonna be okay if I place this in Your hands completely?
Am I gonna be okay if I start walking in the Spirit for this area.
it sounds so obvious, like umm...yes, God is pretty good at being God, so unless He doesn't love you or that He doesn't exist at all then no you won't be okay....but if that's true, either way, if you continue holding on to this you also won't be okay because you're effed if God doesn't love you or if He doesn't exist. So...in a sense it boils down to faith and trust....and I want to personally add RATIONALE (because Knowing God is actually much more rational then not knowing Him, at least that is my ever increasing conviction in my theological studies) but this entry is not an attempt to prove God exists. I already have chosen that He does, this is now about my SIN. As usual. Maybe I should word it as being about the gap of where I should be as a believer (according to the bible) and where I actually am. Not being necessarily about my sin, but sin is the red light warning that always brings me back to the reality of what it means to be "in Christ".
The question : "Am I gonna be okay" implies two things: first it implies that I am indeed very afraid to trust in God for certain things. This fear is not a Fear of God as Proverbs urges believers to have, but it's the very opposite because this is not a fear that God is so great and good, but a fear that God is not as great or as good as I may have read Him to be in the bible. This is foolishness. Wisdom is a Fear of God in that He is able, He is all-knowing, He is powerful, He is really a GOOD God, and He is in control or Sovereign. This is the proverbial Fear of God that leads to wisdom.
God wants us to deny ourselves completely, yet so many Christians attempt to sort of appease God by giving Him big chunks, and keeping little bits to themselves (the story of Ananias and Saphira comes to mind in Acts 5:1-11
But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, 2 and with his wife's knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles' feet. 3 But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back for yourself part of the proceeds of the land? 4 While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not at your disposal? Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to man but to God.” 5 When Ananias heard these words, he fell down and breathed his last. And great fear came upon all who heard of it. 6 The young men rose and wrapped him up and carried him out and buried him.
7 After an interval of about three hours his wife came in, not knowing what had happened.8 And Peter said to her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much.” And she said, “Yes, for so much.” 9 But Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Behold, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” 10 Immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. When the young men came in they found her dead, and they carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11 And great fear came upon the whole church and upon all who heard of these things.
Ananias dared to lie to God, as if God could be duped. Or as if Ananias was more cunning than God. or maybe he was just scared that people would look at him badly if he said "hey yea, so i'm keeping back some of the money I got....because just in case...." womp womp. Just in case what? Just in case God's idea of good isn't your idea of good? Just in case you know better? I mean, I'm being hard on the guy, when really I myself have probably manifested similar actions driven by similar fears and worries...so I'm glad this seems to have been a one time thing for some reason, and I won't question the reason....I'll just learn that lying to God is bad. Because it is! It's a daringly presumptuous sin! However, God knows everything, and it's better not to let fear of your image in front of others get in the way of your Fear of God as Greater than man.
This is not a story in the bible to scare people into selling their houses and to give all their possessions to the church. If that were the case more people should have dropped dead during the early church period, and in fact, the human race of "believers" would probably not have survived this long. So what I'm trying to say is that this story shows a lack of the FEAR of God (since clearly they both lied even though they claimed to believe that the Holy Spirit was there...implying that if He was there they didn't find Him smart enough to know that they were lying, which is pretty foolish when you think about it, it's pretty foolish because that means they viewed God as "less than" rather than fearing Him as God who knows all, is Holy, and is deserving of all glory and praise.)
Now aren't you glad this was an exception and not the rule? I mean, we should all be dead if this was the rule. How many of us lead lives that in secret areas imply a fear that God is "less than" or in other words we think "but am I gonna be okay if this goes into Your hands God?", otherwise we would give Him EVERYTHING. But we choose to know about His goodness and Greatness, while living lives that ignore believing what we know. At least that seems to be the case for my troublesome areas. I think the idea that God is "less than" is also blanketed by the fear that I know I am definitely going to screw up...so I tend to focus more on my inability (to be patient, to be self-controlled, to be selfless, to be giving, etc) rather than God's ability to take control. On the one hand I justify my fear to give up things to God because I know I'm such a failure, and I'll screw it up if I don't maintain tight control over how I mean to get the "good" things in life. In other words, I feel strongly that won't be okay if I don't know what's going on, so then I ask God..."am I gonna be okay?" And the clarity arrives only when I know strongly that if I don't give everything to God I will definitely not be okay. BECAUSE, any part of myself that is not "in Christ" can only be "in flesh".
"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. - Galatians 5:19-21
There is no "in switzerland". You're either walking "in Christ" (or in the Holy Spirit of Christ) or "in flesh".
Think about what you want or what you see as a deep desire, something good...something like a Ph.D, a resolved conflict, forgiveness, a better relationship with someone, financial security, a sense of being loved, a house, kids or marriage or a stable career. Think about it.
Then think about all the ways in which you will attempt to get those things.
That's usually where the bad happens.
What do you want? Okay, those are good, and we tend to stop thinking after that.
Good is good, and that's all we want to think about.
Good, good, good.
Because when we think about what we will do to get those "good" things we find they are usually through bad means, or I should state through means that are all too self-reliant (God is up in heaven somewhere doing His thing, and it's up to us to make things happen--this is the mindset that takes over consciously or unconsciously). Means that are bad because they exclude faith and trust in God. Means that are in the flesh which bring about methods like greed, vanity, money, using people, selfish ambition, slander, envy, etc.
It also helps us to see when we are walking by such means when we also look at what it looks like to walk in the Spirit, and to ask ourselves if this is what our lives look like?
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control;... - Galatians 5:22-23
I mean, not just one or two things, but all of the things that come to fruition by walking in the Spirit should be present, and if not then the area in which one is not is probably the area you are still sowing "in the flesh"...the residual corruption in you that is destroying you is this area...this is the area you are not "in Christ" and therefore this is also the area God is telling you to wrestle with, to put off, to fight, to get prayed over for, to confess to other believers, and to get desperate in prayer to the Holy Spirit for. We cannot change our residual fleshly desires (our sinful habits) by our own power, but we can seek God in prayer and faith to place those things under the power of the Holy Spirit for change.
Our part is to wait, to stay ourselves to Him, to groan in prayer, to cry out like Job in the midst of trials we don't understand, to make a habit of trusting God like Abraham, to seek to stay in the presence of God even when it is difficult to find that presence....we can choose not to despair (which is something someone does when they have no hope), but to wait patiently in faith, with hope, and through prayer, even if that means things start to look like they will fall apart and you begin to question, "am I gonna be okay?".
The answer is a glorious YES.
Giving yourself fully to God, especially that area where you will end up not knowing the status, process or outcome of it's original purpose to get that "good" you wanted, is the only way to actually get anything "good" at all. Because holding back from God is only holding you back from God Himself.
We are able to believe in Jesus and place ourselves to be "in Christ", and if we have faith in this then we are free from condemnation, to have Christ's righteousness on us, and thus as Romans 6:18 says: And since you have been freed from sin, you have become slaves of righteousness.
But if "in the flesh" we become slaves to sin, and sin is not something to be parceled out or measured...because it's like "a little leaven that leavens the entire lump" (Galatians 5:9) that lump being yourself, and the leaven is the portion of "in flesh" you don't mind staying with you.
Indeed I mind! I mind if it means it will eventually work its way into my entire being! So the question is answered also in that "I will NOT be okay if I keep this to myself". I cannot do anything in the power of Jamie, so why do I try to? Why Lord? I can only but pray these words of groaning, and stay myself to be always seeking His presence especially when I am afraid of what will happen if I let go.
God is the ultimate good, He is the the goal of which all other "goals" of good turn to rags.
I am weak, and He is strong.
So I encourage you, as I have myself, to come to God in desperate prayer, to ask Him all the questions, and to not be afraid to trace the things back deeper into what lies at the root of your fears that imply God as "less than" being Good and less than being God who loves you.
God is good, and it is evidenced when we walk "in His Spirit", that the fruit starts being produced, but more than that we grow spiritually and confidently closer to God the more we experience the proof (the fruit) that reveals to us His goodness, His perfect will. His will not ours. He is the goal, remember. Fruit is not our goal, it is the means by which we can evidence our process toward the goal, but the goal remains God.
"Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
And I'll pray it again, and ask God again probably in about 5 minutes because I'm that feeble and untrusting....
Lord, am I really gonna be okay?
Okay.
It's out of my hands now, balls in Your court.
and then I go about my day...with a ton more freedom. Being in Christ is being free. Christ fights your battles, Christ is your hope, and Christ will become sufficient for you. When you have everything you need, worry disappears...and that too is a weird feeling! But we won't go into that. haha...at least not now, because I need to finish studying for my midterm.
I'll leave you with this lovely tid bit of wisdom found in 1 Corinthians 2:9-10
“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”—
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”—
10 these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.
No matter how creative or imaginative I may think I am, it's exciting to be challenged and awed that God of the Universe, God who created Time and brains and the palpitations of hearts has prepared things for those that love him, which all things considered, can only be epic and too amazing for words. It must be experienced!
Oh, I'll be okay, I'll be more than okay. haha.
Jmegrey.
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