Today is in a capsule of time, 24 hours to be exact. For about 15 hours of that time I will be awake and my eyes will be seeing, my nose will be alert, my body will feel, and my ears will hear all kinds of sounds both intentionally and unintentionally.
What if I saw something terrible, the stench hit my nose, the screams rang in my ears, and the moment made my stomach drop. Would I, in that very moment, fear or believe?
What happens when things in life just hit us like a freight train? Or maybe even like subtle pin pricks that we tend to ignore, but they keep on poking? Our minds resort to autonomy mode and we automatically resign to doing what we feel at the moment in order to quell the fear. We run or we hide or we start to worry that things could get worse for us if we don't take matters into our hands. Or maybe we shut down and let the fear rule our reactions. We succumb to its terror by not caring. Perhaps we over analyze the fear and try to figure out a way to beat it mentally. Whatever you do it is pretty clear that fear is there in most of us, especially those of us who have ventured into the root of our issues.
For myself, I discovered a few tyrant fears of mine after wondering why I was like this or why I occasionally did that.
Fear of worthlessness was one of the most clarifying ones that helped me understand why I did things I didn't mean or want to do.
I had a rough experience in the 7th grade that I thought was nothing after years and years had passed, but reflecting back on that time made me see that the 12 year old girl who experienced that awful pain of being rejected for no known reason had walked away without resolving why things happened the way they did. In doing so it probably left a small seed that became a deeply rooted notion that people would reject me for no reason, so that the best thing to do was to try as hard as possible to give them reasons to like me: be nice, be pretty, be popular, date hot guys (as proof to self), be smart, be funny, etc etc. It became so natural of an inclination that I began to think "this is just who I am." I'm nice. I'm pretty. I date hot guys, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm _______. And my worth was placed in each of those things, all the while I called myself a Christian because I went to church.
Be acceptable. Looking back now, as time wore on the load just only got heavier, as reality revealed the impossibility of my attempts to be acceptable to everyone, which led to isolation and deflation of my once colorful passions as a child, and by the grace of God it collapsed over me crushing me and forcing me to recognize that I could not go on living like this. I loved to love too much, I loved to live too much, and I loved to have meaning too much to just lay defeated underneath all the confusion and pain that I felt but that I didn't really understand. God was there working in me to bring me to a place of better clarity of Himself. He brought my philosophical questions into theology, my isolation into community, and my meaninglessness of life to His Kingdom where I began living life for as an heir. As an heir and as a child of God. The standard of meaning was met by God Himself who placed His promise and Word in me. The promise that when I turn 89 and my body is crinkled and smelly, things would only get grand after I said goodbye to family and friends. The Word in me said I had been given the kingdom of God when all that I knew and owned was hell and death.
Things began making sense. I am an earthen jar (with arms and legs and eyes and ears and a nose) and I'm breakable but the treasure within me is God who speaks truth about my identity.
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves"
2 cor. 4:7
Every once in a while when I crack or when a part of me chips, I see it, I smell it, I hear it and I certainly feel it.
But when Jesus overheard the people saying this and that about how the girl was already dead, I'm sure some of those that were talking had seen the dead girl with their own eyes, felt her cold arms with their hands, and heard the doctor proclaim that life had left her.
And Jesus said: "do not fear, only believe."
Fear will pounce on our earthen vessels, but the Word of truth that we hold as treasure reminds us that God is real. We are best exposed to His presence when, against all odds and feelings, we let the body crack and crumble only to see God restore and ressurect. I'm not saying that the purpose of our treasure is to bring dead people to life or to give us what we want (mend our chips and cracks!) but that God has given life through Jesus and it is for those who believe and pass over the fear who will see it.
If we got what we wanted that would only make us feel as though we knew what was good for us, undermining the ingenuity of our Creator. We want to reign and rule, but we don't have a kingdom! If you want to love and to live and have God's friendship as Father then He will show you this treasure in your earthen vessel.
When you see, smell, hear and feel yourself breaking, as all vessels of clay can
"Do not fear, only believe.” (Mark 5:36)
He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”
(Mark 4:40-41)
And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. (John 17:3)
Jmegrey
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