"Why should I trust you when you won't tell me what's going to happen to me, why do you have to change for the New Land?" She wasn't so much angry as she was afraid. She rudely looked away like a child not getting what they wanted, and He watched in pain as a tear made a sleek line down her pale cheek. She was looking down as if finding shelter in the ignorance of his presence.
If I can't see him he can't make me feel so much pain, she thought to herself.
He can't break me because I won't let him, he can just leave me alone, her thoughts prompted her downward gaze harder.
But the reality of his presence was too big and too experienced to continue with the lie in hiding. In fact, the longer she averted his gaze the more fearful she felt, but she wouldn't look up. She would win this one.
The silence felt fuzzy and began pushing her coolness out, pinning her down, and it made her feel so empty. She felt defeated and weak, like someone left behind and forgotten, but he was still there. She hadn't heard any steps of departure, yet. She could feel her body get uncomfortable, which was the pain of feeling unloved.
He stayed where he was instead of going to her, even though everything in him was a flood of compassion for the one he loved. He needed her to trust him for what was going to happen. He was going to be taken by the King for a special honor, but it meant that he would be out of sight for a very long time. He would allow her to suffer a while now in order to protect her from suffering in the New land.
"You're abandoning me when I need you." She spoke without looking at him. Still no response, and she assumed he was pitying her now, which felt even worse than abandonment. The pain increased and now there were streams of tears falling from her downward gazing eyes. She hated that she was crying and wanted to stop, but also hoped that it would coax him into caving to her desires. She also wanted to stay angry at him, but the pain of wanting him made it awful and self loathing to feel that way. Her desire for him was greater than the pain of losing him altogether.
What will happen to me when I can't see him anymore? When would I see him again? She knew these questions would be left unanswered.
He was reaching for her, but she couldn't see. He couldn't reach her sincerely without her eyes on him, because he knew that if she never looked at him she would never see him in pain too. They shared a powerful relationship like no other, but it needed to be mutual to outlast what was to come. He wanted to show her that his love was real, and holding her too soon would place more of the responsibility on him, and that needed to change for when he would be different. He wanted to prepare her for who he would be after everything in the land was given over. Everything would be different and she needed to be ready. To him she was his valuable companion, someone who was worth every means--even taking the pain of being temporarily perceived as cruel if it meant that she would later see the depth of his love for her in the new land.
The silence continued and she held onto some mystery ember that perhaps things would change. So she chased the light that made him love her, but only o the inside. She held onto hope as if clinging to the last piece of driftwood after a shipwreck. But she refused to show it to him. She would keep it hidden from his eyes because she wanted him to want her the way he had so many times before, giving in to her first, comforting her, and making her feel so euphorically loved. There was no sound. She wanted to run but she wanted to stay. So she kept her face toward the floor and fought the battle inside.
He waited too.
He would wait for her to see him.
And he would wait until she did, because he knew she loved him enough to find it in herself to do so.
She was getting angry now. The silence hurt so badly but the pain of losing was more unbearable. He was everything to her, and losing him was simply not an option. She had no other love as deeply nourishing as his, but this silence was torturing her. She wanted what she knew and nothing else, even if a part of her knew he had more. She didn't trust that part as well, yet. There were too many things coming to mind now. He doesn't really care, she tossed the thought around like a deflated volleyball, insisted that it could play.
He wanted her to be bold about her worth, and he knew breaking the silence first would cripple her endurance. It pained him to watch her fight her fear and insecurity, and he hated those monsters for making her doubt everything about his desire for her. He wanted her to end her fears for good, because fear would blind her from him in the new land. He knew her confrontation with it would be painful for her, but he knew she'd be far worse if it separated them. Nobody could protect and love her like he could. So he stayed waiting for her to look at him.
She resisted and continued looking down. She felt as if a weight was pressing down on her and all she could do to keep breathing was to let the tears continue rolling down her cheeks forming dark circles on her grey shirt. The room felt empty, but she knew he was there.
Why won't he speak? Why won't he comfort me? What's he doing just standing there staring at me like a stupid person in my stupid clothes?
"So, you don't love me?" She blurted at the floor, but she didn't believe the question either. She just said it just because it felt deliberate and curt. She wanted to be frank, but only because she wanted to hear him say something. This realization only made her cry harder. He did love her, and she knew this very well, but she wanted him to say something. Everything in her wanted him to hold her and say it so she could feel it and hear the words, and be filled with the power and affirmation of it, the words. She was in pain and she needed him to give her what she wanted.
I knew he would stop loving me one day, I mean look at me, I'm a mess.
He watched her sobs become shaky trembles, and how stubborn she was to keep her eyes down. It hurt to see how much she fought to remain in that position when he was there in the room for her to see and know everything she wanted. It had to be done like this if she was going to trust him. She needed to learn trust now for when he would disappear.
So the two of them remained in the small room.
She was trying so hard to get her way, and he was waiting for her to give up the demand.
The two of them were crying, but only he saw her. He was always looking at her, and he wanted for her to always know that, but it meant she would have to look up this time. One look at him would show her that every doubt was a lie.
It was almost time for him to go. His eager desire for her to let go was waiting to embrace her in his arms. A few minutes felt like hours for the two of them, and the approaching time was nearing for him to take leave for the New land.
It's pointless, she thought. I can't win.
She looked up just as he began to disappear into the New land.
To be continued.
No comments:
Post a Comment