Keep me

Sometimes this hope in me feels so wrong.  It feels undeserved--like a lie.  God can't still love me after that, again and again, can He?  Yet, deep down it must be so because the first thing that rushes forth after I've fallen in my shame of disobedience or a lust of my desires is ....love.  I can't quite describe it, but when I feel a punch of guilt I'm met by an avalanche of love, if a wave of guilt then a tsunami of love.  

I feel flattened but I also feel loved.

I feel lost but loved.

I feel pain but loved.

I feel unsure, but then fully loved.

How could it be that strong?  How could love be that powerful in the midst of horrendous assaults to holiness?  Only by the blood of Jesus.

Because I'm creature and You the Creator

I stand still unknowing Your way,

I wait in the bitter fog, 

I listen in the dark for You to speak. 

In the cold my heart freezes over like brittle mud,

Dry and unwatered in madness and mess.

"Then I said, “Until when, Lord? ” 

And He replied: 

Until cities lie in ruins without inhabitants, 

houses are without people, 

the land is ruined and desolate, 

and the Lord drives the people far away, 

leaving great emptiness in the land.”

(Isaiah 6:11-12)

To be in bitter confusion until the end?  To waste away in the world and be consigned to end with absolute emptiness?  To watch for desolation, ruin and great emptiness in the land?

Because I AM Creator and you, Jamie, creature. 

I speak a better word, 

I speak the only word that stands for time now and time after all have died.

Do you know Me?

“Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord, 

or who gave Him His counsel?

“Who will you compare Me to, 

or who is My equal? ” asks the Holy One.”

(Isaiah 40:13, 25)

None Lord.  

Only You can both break 

and make again the heart in me.  

You are above the fears that come at night,

Your hand wipes away every tear,

And Your voice stays with me in the emptiness.

You bring me understanding in a whisper,

And You give me hope as in a jar of light,

And stars cannot shine in comparison to it. 

You clothe me in robes of reward,

You crown me with a garland of heavenly blooms, and You say to me that I am Yours, and You are mine. 

Then Your presence lifts away from my senses and faith takes its place. No longer felt, heard or known, but believed.  Where do You go Lord?  Why do you exercise my faith, why not remain in my senses and be ignited by Your good Word?  Why force me to stand in faith, breathing faith, calling forth faith like a desperate attempt to keep from losing You altogether?  Why Lord?

“in order to open blind eyes, 

to bring out prisoners from the dungeon, 

and those sitting in darkness from the prison house.”

(Isaiah 42:7)

When Your presence lifts then the fog and darkness surround me.  I am in a prison, and I am blind.  I sit in darkness in the cell of my dungeon.  This place is unpleasant and frightening.  But faith is painfully called upon to rescue me.  Faith in what is unseen.  Faith in You even when I don't sense You near me.  It makes no sense until I grab the faith You supplied me with.  I grab this mysterious faith, and it burns in my grasp.  It feels like it causes me more pain than good at first, but the pain of faith wipes out the threat of darkness.  The pain of faith opens my blind eyes to a light as it burns.  As if You are burning away something.  That which is being burned is the very cell I long to be rescued from. Lord, You leave my senses to burn away my ignorance and depraved mind.  The cell I sit in must be dealt with by faith.  

But Lord, the pain of faith is too great!  The resistance in me is strong and I cannot grasp faith for very long before I let it go and it all comes crashing down again.  Where tears of bitter shame and sweet grace received mix together and I have little strength to speak. 

What then Lord? 

“I will be with you 

when you pass through the waters, 

and when you pass through the rivers, 

they will not overwhelm you. 

You will not be scorched 

when you walk through the fire, 

and the flame will not burn you.

Because you are precious in My sight 

and honored, 

and I love you, 

I will give people in exchange for you 

and nations instead of your life.

I, I am Yahweh, 

and there is no other Savior but Me.”

(Isaiah 43:2, 4, 11)

Yes, Lord.  There is no other Savior but You.  There is no other option, no plan B, no other hope.  When I fall You are there, when I rise in victory it is Your hand holding me, and when I am here or there- in the light or in the dark, You alone save me without fail.  

Teach me to be humble.  

To run to You for refuge, whether in shame or glory.  In pain or joy.  In sadness or strength.  In my worst condition and in my most faith-filled.  In depravation (somehow) and in mindfulness of Your Sovereignty.  And lead me in the everlasting way.  Search me and know me.  And then show me myself so that I can see with my eyes and be led by Your love.  Place the reward of faith never too far out of sight, but remind me never to question You when it is.  Keep me.  

Jmegrey