I teach the youth kids at my dad's church every Friday and Sunday. And this past Friday I was once again rescued by them. I know it makes me sound humble and what not, and saying that only makes it sound more so, and I could continue ripping myself to shreds, but whatever. I had the Youth write down some thoughts they had in response to a paper I gave them with questions on it, and one of them in particular wrote back with such vulnerable and brave honesty that it stirred in me all night. I wanted to give love and hope to this student so much that I started crying because the burden to do so felt too much for me to handle. I had to give it to God. This is the product of that one student's honesty given to me, and I am thankful for each and every one of them that blesses me. I learn something so profoundly impacting and life-giving by being with them, with my Youth students :)
(Honestly, at times they are not so cute, but when they are...it's game over haha)
I hope for myself and for you all to be washed in the truth of this area. It is an area that has kept me in chains to my sinful habits, and it is still the area that I have the most trouble in understanding....but I have hope that God is doing something for us as we pursue truth together about it.
"This hope will not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
-Romans 5:5
Discussion questions*
How do you handle anger?
I don't, anger is very confusing to me.
How was anger expressed in your family when you were growing up?
Growing up I would describe the expressions of anger as:
Bad
Prohibited
Suppressed
Isolated
Disappointment
Scary
Unloved
Condescending
Hit
Yelling
Quieted
Ignored
Festering
Unvoiced
What words or phrases would you use to describe it?
I was left feeling unloved and belittled when my parents got angry with me. Jamie broke this, jamie wasted money on this, jamie doesn't listen, jamie doesn't care about others, jamie did it wrong and now look what happened, jamie can't finish what she started, jamie did this badly, jamie disappointed mom and dad, jamie doesn't love mom and dad (passive aggressive anger), jamie can't do it, jamie shouldn't do it.
Recalling these emotions hurts a lot, but no wonder I'm confused about anger. It hurt to have experienced anger in this way, but that does not mean this is the right way to express anger. I can learn from this experience how to be angry under submission to God's will. I cannot blame my parents or my teachers or my brother or my friends or anyone else for that matter, because I believe the word of God that everything has happened as God has ordained it for my good. Meaning God allowed me to experience anger in this way for a reason that was for my good. Which God revealed to me at the end of writing this.
What happened when your parents were angry?
I felt the above. As for anger toward one another, I was never really exposed to my parents fighting. Which, come to think of it is a bit odd since everyone is bound to have fights, but due to a lack of exposure to fighting I now understand a little bit of why I am so unsure about confrontation that may first appear as fighting. Not that fighting is a good or bad thing, but that anger that may cause fighting is our responsible human emotion to submit to God to resolve. It could mean fighting to resolve in order to bring God honor, not fighting for the sake of getting one's own way. How strange it is to think like this....I always assumed fighting was bad, and I had learned to belittle it when I saw others doing it. I need God for this. I need the answers from God for this. I need to learn how to be angry in a manner that glorifies God.
(If my parents are reading this I hope you don't think I blame you or that you are to blame ...see how I am already so scared to confront the matter honestly! I love my parents because God gave them to me to love, and I put my hope in that joy set before me.)
How did you express anger toward a sibling?
Your parents?
Through rebellion at first, then when that wasn't enough I added isolation, then when that wasn't enough -added to it- self-resentment, reinforcing more resentment and bitterness towards them, and then eventually when none of that helped but only increased the pain I felt--not dissolving my anger (which at some point I just took in as pain)--I just began searching for ways to numb myself to it. That was all I could do at the time, because that was all I knew. I didn't know how to handle anger, because every time I tried it didn't work. So the closest thing to handling the pain of anger was the pursuit of distractions and numbing techniques. I became a master at distractions and numbing my self to pain. ....but even that eventually wore out, every technique and distraction eventually faded and it was a mad dash for whatever else I could do to get my next fix. Sometimes even crying became an addiction that wore off. I needed something that lasted, but when I couldn't find it I settled for what I could find. I expressed anger through temporary fixes.
As you watched anger expressed in your home, what decisions did you make about it?
I watched it and decided it was bad. I had to avoid it at all costs because it was only painful. Making my parents angry was the last thing on earth I wanted to do. Subsequently, making people angry was the last thing I wanted. I would do anything, even harm myself, if it meant saving myself from the pain of anger. Which is ironic, I did whatever I could to preserve myself from the pain of anger, even if the means of preserving was actually what would end up killing me.
What happens to your body when you are around angry people?
Physical discomfort, even the thought or slightest increase in possibility for anger to erupt causes me physical discomfort. My body feels tense, my stomach feels bloated or pressurized, and my limbs feel very raw and sensitive. My eyes hurt too. They twitch or my mouth quivers. My ears start to plug or ring. Breathing becomes a chore when I'm around angry people. I start to feel faint. Hence it is reasonable from such that I do not like anger. I don't like feeling those things in my body!
When you are angry now as an adult, how do you express it?
Through bad habits and with much confusion. With resentment, weakness, and
going to God for answers.
All my life was and is being designed by God to bring me to a place where I went and go to God alone for the answers. Hallelujah. Haha.
We all have different experiences, but everyone's experience is a gift from God if you believe in Him. You just need to seek out the truth.
---
I don't know what your parents can do or should do to walk in this area in a way that brings honor to God, because I don't teach them on Sunday's and Fridays. I was given the position of Youth teacher not adults teacher. So what I say is for you students alone. The rest is not our business until God makes it one.
But let's consider what we do have. And we have a heart that hurts. We have an understanding of wanting things to be made better. We have voices, we have some time, and we have each other. This is where each of our individual gifts become so crucial. Our testimonies become encouraging proofs that help each other become more brave or trusting. Our forgiveness and our words with one another become a way for us to breathe again. Our ideas, our failures, our successes, our strengths and our weaknesses, everything that makes up you are what will make up our wholeness in getting God.
We need each other because we need help. Some of you will continue going at it alone, trying to get God alone for reasons beyond my control, but some of you will open up your heart to the scary life of vulnerability and honesty in needing each other by taking risks of looking dumb or being wrong or failing because I have hope that this will happen. I only have hope, not a guarantee, but hope. And God says that hope will not disappoint us.
"This hope will not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
-Romans 5:5
Let's walk in honesty before a good God, with the hope in our hearts, for the joy set before us!
Maybe that means telling your parents what you really think or how you really feel. I know I can't do that well, so I don't expect anyone to do it either. But maybe some of you can and I'll be encouraged by your step of faith whether you mess up and have to apologize or if things go smoothly and anger is dissolved. The outcome of anger dissolved is only in God's timing, so it's not why we take action. It will be your step of faith and humility that will grow for you and consequently for us.
Or maybe it means asking someone else how they are feeling about the pressures of trying to make their parents proud, because we all know how heavy that can be. We can help carry one another's loads, even if it bruises or breaks us along the way (when it feels like we failed or made a mistake at doing or trying something). We can still live fearless and brave because we have hope. And we have faith that whatever we do God first willed for us to do so. And we trust in His sovereign all-knowing, all-controlling and all-perfect wisdom of the past, present and future.
Today, students and friends, you are in God's perfect plan. Go ahead. Make a mistake, but do so only if your hope is anchored in the truth that sets us free. Be honest with one another. Forgiving one another.
"Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices"
-Colossians 3:9
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
-Ephesians 4:32
Jmegrey
*Questions used for discussion originally found in the book "I Quit" by Geri Scazzero
Helpful Excerpt from the book:
"I had no idea anger could be used in a healthy way to assert oneself and to serve others. I also didn’t realize I had a responsibility before God to process my anger, to think about it and respond appropriately. When I finally quit the lie that good Christians don’t get angry, I walked through a door that changed my life.
A word to those who have difficulty knowing when they’re angry: you will want to watch your body closely. It will often reveal to you what is going on before your brain catches up. You may find your heart pumping faster, your pulse rate going up, or your neck, stomach, shoulders, and back tightening. You may lose your appetite, become irritable, get tension headaches, or experience insomnia."
....haha I think I might be angry right now. So God, reveal Your mysteries to me, please :)
In hope and for joy-- because I already have the goal,
Jmegrey
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