On being single

Am I scared to be single forever?    Sometimes.  But I'm also scared of settling for a guy I don't really love or that doesn't really love me.  

I fear I might regret this post at some point when this confidence in me wears off or what not, but at the moment I feel like this is what I want to share with you, my mysterious readers (and mom, hi mom.) 

So as I'm nearing the time of turning 29 I am asked by a lot of people whether or not I want to get married, I'm guessing because I look so "content" with my singleness, or I don't know, maybe they prefer me to look distraught and despairing about it?, or maybe they are merely just curious to see if I am a normal person with desires for romantic love (or if I have the gift of celibacy?), I don't know what they're thinking, and I'm probably missing the mark by a wide margin, so I just want to share what I'm thinking honestly since that's all I can know so far as I'm concerned (after all this is the subject of my singleness haha)...and hopefully this may help anyone else in similar shoes, or in the least it will help you understand mine haha.  

So to be honest (and that is the last time I will say that since it should hopefully be established by now) I do want to say "I do," to get married.  Lets clear the air about that.  Haha.  I do want to get married.  I have a deep desire to get married, I'm as human and as woman as the next one haha.  

But I want to marry a guy that loves Jesus.  And God has been teaching me that.  How to see a guy that loves Jesus, because there are a lot of posers out there.  And becoming an expert at spotting posers is just as crucial as becoming an expert at knowing what a poser I was...err, I mean, am.  I hope that makes sense to you.  

But to be a bit...structured and frank about it I'll just be candid by the mixture of my stance on marriage.  I'm not perfect at spotting this, no way, but through this season of examining my own heart I have narrowed in on what I'm looking for when I say "I want a man that loves Jesus."  

By knowing more specifically these characteristics as I endeavor to have them myself, I become better at spotting the fakes from the reals.  So I'm certainly a far ways from perfectly loving Jesus, but the point is that the process is healthy and very instructive for the areas of dating (among many other areas that I usually write about).  

I'm going to regret this post, but that's okay.  Regrets are a part of messing up, and I'm not scared to mess up.  At least I want to believe that. 

When I say I want a man that loves Jesus I more specifically mean that the way he loves people and the way he works hard and the way he has a deep joy as well as a deep sorrow for all the things God gives him are all expressions of that love, not tasks.  I want to find someone who wants to live everyday in profound beauty and awe of God, even though that may not always be the case, I want him to want that so badly.  I want to marry someone who fears separation from God more than losing money or reputation.  I want to marry someone who is tall.  Because I'm attracted to tall guys.  This might need some redeeming, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it.  And since we are at that point I'll throw in that I still very much want a hot guy that everyone will see and envy me for.  I want my friends to think I'm so blessed and awesome because look at the guy that wants to willingly marry and spend the rest of his life with her!  Haha.  But I'll admit that other than the being tall thing, sometimes I find myself honestly not caring so much about the looks and the envy and admiration from others.  Sometimes.  

I want to marry someone who is wise, and not so smart that it makes him an ass.  I want someone who has some naiveté towards certain things because that's cute and attractive, and real.  No one knows everything so I basically want an honest guy who wants to know everything but is ready to admit with childlike sincerity when he does not.  However, I also want someone who will call me out lovingly when I'm being an ass and who will want me to call him out lovingly--even if it's painful at first.  Because there's no fear in love.  I want someone who knows how to communicate with people well.  Someone who isn't so socially awkward to the point that people avoid him.  If you're socially awkward in a cute way then that's different, but if people don't like being around you then there is something to be said in that area.  I mean all of these things find their completion more fully in the one real genuineness of a man that loves Jesus.  Because being socially awkward usually has deeper issues rooted in fear and what not that get dealt with when you enter into the gospel of God's love.  At least that has been my experience.  

I know, some of you might be thinking "okay Jamie so you basically want to marry Jesus."  Haha.  Yea! Pretty much!  I mean what does it mean to remain in Him but to have Him (Jesus) altogether?  I want a man who really has Jesus in his heart.  So there's that.  

Now I'm pretty sure that the man that has Jesus will also want to be with someone who shares his heart...so it'll be a nice and snug fit, right?  Hence why the best gift I could give whoever I end up marrying is my devotion to Jesus.  I mean if his heart is a triangle and mine is a square then we will clash in terms of becoming one flesh.  You might like to be creative and think that triangle and square can make some new alien shape, and that's great for you, but we are not talking about you.  We are talking about me.  If my heart is Jesus I want his heart to be Jesus too.  That's it.  No Jesus + Ego, Jesus + Buddha, Jesus + gym, Jesus + football, Jesus + money.  No.  Just all Jesus at the center of it all, and all those other "loves" can fall only In submission to Jesus, except no Buddha.  

So the more I shape my heart to be where Jesus shines more brightly the more I will be ready when he comes along with Jesus in his heart.  If I don't date you, like you, or hang out with you it's not personal.  It's spiritual.  You can take your case up in your spirit with God.  (I've learned to also be the reciprocal of this truth as well when unrequited love happens to me)  But I'm still broken and there are a lot of character flaws that God is helping me work through and each one makes me feel more and more whole.  And when the time is right God, in His Sovereignty, will have me stop being single.  No one can stop Him.  I am learning to trust God more and more in this area, especially when I see cute babies and engagement photos in a barn where the girl looks beautiful and her man looks beautiful and the overwhelming beauty of it all just captures my awe....because I love beauty.  In fact beauty is one of the great struggles for redemption in my life, so I can see why I'm still single haha. 

In conclusion of this whole thing, whatever it is, the question is not whether or not I want to get married or even if I will ever get married, but it is the question of what is Your will God?  

Not my will, but Yours be done.  

So some folks have been trying to set me up or have me go on blind dates or meet their son which is fine and I don't mind it, and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't.  But if and when I do or don't, I will have my reasons (of which I seek to know for better clarity), and I will make mistakes along the way, but I trust God and have to remember He is in control.  Not to mention that my options at present seem pretty undesirable (as a pastor's daughter the pool of men is drawn mostly from missionaries!!! Ahh!  I have to trust God.). Haha there's nothing wrong with being a missionary's son for me--especially since I'm a missionary's daughter--unless you live somewhere yucky and you make no money and you don't shower regularly.  So maybe God is changing that in me, but it will be His timing and my submission to His will.  Honestly, at this point if you were like this hot Australian missionary ANYWHERE and you loved Jesus I would follow you to the slums of India.  Hahaha.  Probably. 

All I know is that the truth is the truth and the truth will lead me into freedom and life.  And so far that's the truth as far as I know it.  So whether you make money or not, whether you're tall or short (though I really hope that one doesn't change) or whether you are the kind of man I mentioned above or not, it makes no difference because God will have His way.  All I am is how much of Him is in me.  And I want someone who loves Jesus as much as I do.   I'm pretty sure I'm single for a reason haha.  The more I love Jesus the more I begin to want other things more rightly.  And this goes for my food choices, sleeping hours, time spent exercising, time spent studying or meeting people, friend choices, job choices, attitude choices and so on....everything.  

So all my single ladies and men, just love Jesus. If that means figuring out what love really is then start searching God's word about love.  Start understanding what God says love is.  Seek understanding and wisdom in all things under submission to God leading you.  Be confronted.  Cry.  Get angry and settle it with God.  Feel your fears and ask God to show you how to fear rightly.  And that is something only you can know is real or not.  Perfect love casts out fear.  

When love for others and God overtakes you and starts to surprise you and not be a task, then call me.  If I say no, then I say no.  God is having His way.  Rest in that.  (And I totally do not get asked out ...like hardly ever haha probably cuz I'm at home reading most of the time.) 

Haha and then I feel like...gosh with standards like that I'll never get a call.  But not what I will, but God's will be done.  :) 

That's how I feel about being single.

Who knows what will have changed in me a year from now.  Maybe I'll blog about it. 

PS:  about being tall, I don't mean to offend you if you're short because I know plenty of guys who only like tall girls or rail thin girls or whatever, and I'm not any of those things either.  So please don't take offense, and if you do I'm sorry.  I'm being honest.  God will change me if He so wills.  And anyway, the girl for you will just not be me if I never change.  That's the worst that could happen.  Haha.  Which will be good for you.  

Jmegrey