I've lost a great love or some wonderful thing because I feel the depth of just how much I've lost. The loss. The sense of being unable to get what I lost.
I discover the place around me, stretching eternally far from my reach, He stood there. Standing over me on the cliff's edge I see the One who made me, my creator and Father, my parent. But I'm here and He is way up there.
I want to be with Him, to be with Him who formed me.
But I'm down in this pit and being here means I'm not with Him.
There is much I want from Him.
I want intimacy and His love.
I want to tell Him what's in my heart and on my mind.
I want to share life with Him.
I want to be whole in Him.
Peaks and valleys are what cover this pit, but in the grandest picture this is a deep dark pit. The highest peak is still in the pit.
How could it be that I long for Him? I seem to forget the reasons. I doubt life could be anymore up there than it is down here.
Yet I long for Him still.
I desire what only He can give me but the pain of seeing Him up on the cliff is miserable.
So I foolishly look down and search for ways to figure it out. I look for distractions. I look for ways to amuse myself because looking up only reminds me of what I don't have. Yet I see another, a Son who comes down from the Father's side and with one swift motion carries me up the cliff as rocks hit his face, his hands bleed, but He continues with me on his back.
I hit him with my fists, "why can't you climb faster?" Forgetting that I was once doomed to be forever in that dark pit, I find I must be more than just what I saw, I find that I am that darkness. It's not just where I was but it is who I am. I cry.
But moments later I complain to the Son, "why are You moving so roughly, I'm uncomfortable!" As he simply keeps going I try to make it a little harder for Him so that He hears what I said. I shove my foot against the wall to halt Him.
He keeps going.
I yell at the top of my lungs, "listen to me! I'm uncomfortable!" And with that I claw at his back like a rabid animal. I see blood seep through His shirt and it startles me. I think to myself "oh no, did I do that?" And I say "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And without a reply He continues upward, sweat pouring down His face.
At some point I start to feel my stomach rumble and find myself demanding Him to stop and feed me. "Why didn't You bring some food for me?" And He just keeps climbing up with strained muscles. I try to push myself off of Him and manage to unwrap myself from Him and immediately I scream as I start falling, but He turns around for the first time and catches me just in time to break my fall with His back. His face is beautiful. It takes my breath away for that moment where I'm falling and He is turned around to rescue me. My weight crushes His ribs and I hear one them break. I cry, "I don't know why I did that, I'm so sorry!" And He puts me back on His back and I wrap my arms around His waist trying to be careful about His broken rib.
We begin the ascent again. This time I manage to stay still and quiet for quite some time.
I start to drift away to sleep, and when I wake up I find my back in pain from the way I am being carried. The pain is bearable but on top of that I feel dirty from the debris that have accumulated on the Son's back. I cringe at the scent and open my mouth, "You reek of B.O." Adding, "could you try and shift me because I'm uncomfortable and my back is suffering!" But He keeps steadily climbing upwards. I kick His side to try and get His attention, "hello? Did you not hear me? My back!" But no response, just the upward motion.
I can't take it anymore and I fidget with so much angst until I find the place where I know His rib is broken and for one second I hesitate about what I'm about to do, but my back hurts and so I shove my fingers towards the spot where it's broken. His body violently reacts and He lets out a cry of pain, the sound is more unbearable to me than my back pain and I yell "stop it! Be quiet! Shut up!" He stops and keeps going. I'm confused as to what just happened. But I don't want to figure it out, so I try to sleep.
We keep going up. For some reason I catch myself looking down at the pitiful blackness which is now farther below me than ever before, and a sense of ease comes over me. I think to myself, "I used to be there, but now I'm here." I look at the One who's back I am on, and it's strange to understand who He is and what He's doing. Then I look up and there He is, my Creator with bright light in His eyes filling me with the fullness of every delight I find most oddly to be most me. When His eyes meet mine there is no other to be known. He is mine and I am His, and every fiber in my body, everything inside of me yearns for Him. Then it suddenly occurs to me that I am being carried up out of the pit and it is then that the One carrying me is almost as beautiful as the One I am going to. And when I see the beauty of Him that is carrying me I am stuck in both self loathing and inexplicable joy.
I'm getting closer to the Father by the Son's work, and His Spirit is directing every movement. I am but a child.
“But He was pierced because of our transgressions, crushed because of our iniquities; punishment for our peace was on Him, and we are healed by His wounds.
We all went astray like sheep;
we all have turned to our own way;
and the Lord has punished Him
for the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet He did not open His mouth. Like a lamb led to the slaughter and like a sheep silent before her shearers,
He did not open His mouth.”
Isaiah 53:5-7
Jmegrey
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